Saleswoman of the Future

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Every now again there is change in all of us. From humans to the amoeba to lowly Female Boss we all experience some sort of change. The type of change is sometimes up to us. We can change our role, let's say.. from chair moistener.. to marketing guru. Sure, why not?

First Scenario: I didn't mean that Female Boss was going to become a marketing guru literally. What Female Boss is becoming, I suppose, could be classified as pushy, irritating or downright worthy of her hamstring being snapped in half with a scythe. She is really into her new pain in my ass attitude too. Why just the other day she was complaining about how she has been feeling sluggish all the time. I imagine that with the modern world we live in, her feeble brain is so over stimulated that before she gets out of the house she's exhausted. A while after, Female Boss came in to work telling me about her latest and greatest cocktail of herbs and vitamins to really put some pep in her step.

Indeed, it was about 9am, shockingly Female Boss was at work. She starts in on her being on time as a result of this line of crap she's been gagging down a few times a day to give her energy, "Aren't you tired in the morning?"

"No, I am pretty good at starting my day," I answer.

As if I answered yes and begged her for a solution, Female Boss rev'd up, "Uh huh. Well you gotta get on these!"

"Get on what?"

"These vitamins! I feel like I can work all day and then some!"

Then some, eh? So basically Female Boss is admitting that she needs some sort of crutch to really struggle thru a day. It probably takes that brain of hers so much energy to remember to perform the involuntary functions of the body that come evening she drools herself to sleep. However, I must say she is on top of her game. She takes her usual lunch break at around 11:30am and comes back on time, pretty incredible stuff.. maybe she is on to something here.

"Oh yeah, I am feeling good. If you want I can pick you up some on the way home, Northe."

"No thanks."

Female Boss moves to some sort of pyramid scam pressure tactic, "You don't want to feel this good all the time?"

"Nah, I'm feeling good as it is. No need to spend money on that kind of thing."

"Well, maybe you'll change your mind."

Sure, hold your breath while I grab lunch. When I get back from my lunch break, roughly a quarter to 2pm, she is still pecking away at her keyboard. I settle in and start banging out what I have to do. She starts up again with the bothersome salesman shit.

"So how can I get you on these vitamins, Northe?"

"Are you serious? I don't think I need them," I say with a bit more disdain in my voice than usual. I just can't stand shit like this. Leave me the fuck alone. I don't need some ground up, dry goat shit packed into a capsule to get my day going.

"Oh," she responds sadly.

Did I take the wind out of her sails? Nay. The truth was much more interesting. Little did I know Female Boss had already hit the wall. Perhaps conversation was the key to her salvation. At approximately 2:15pm, "I just have zero energy."

My hand reaches for the trusty Angry Time ledger, ready to write more.

"I am pooped. I think I need a nap."

No more than 20 minutes go by and Female Boss reaches for the phone.

"Male Boss, I think I am gonna go home. Yeah. I am sapped."

Oh yeah, you sold me on those vitamins. Can't wait to give 'em a whirl. Nie nie, peppy.

Last Scenario: Turns out that Female Boss is on some major airline spam in-mail list. The idea is to catch 24 hour deals on flights. I know this due to her habit of reading just about everything out loud like a kindergarten teacher during show and tell.. like I give a shit. She goes on talking about various air fares and deals going to this city and that city. Unless I'm getting surprise vacation time that I can take on a whim Female Boss needs to shut the fuck up as far as I'm concerned.

After a couple minutes her sharing ceases. While I am entrenched in what I have to do, I can't help but notice that Female Boss is extremely quiet. I kinda perk up my senses in her direction. Nothing. No sooner than I start to pay attention does she grab the phone. A phone call goes in to one of The Plastics.

"Hey, I have been thinking. You know how these Airline companies try to get you to buy tickets from them?.. Yeah, well I think I have an idea that they should try. You know, say they want you to buy a ticket to Delhi, they could put Delhi! Price is only $XXX, WOW!"

Never seen anything like that before in my life. Its like the airline would be promoting and drawing attention to their low fees! This is crazy! You wonder why they never used something like TV or print ads to do this!

After listening to The Plastic either belittle her for stupid she is or brainstorming the idea, Female Boss has more to say.

"Right, saying things like Direct flight home! Strange cities! Get it? I know!"

I really, really wanted her to take it to the next level and call up the airline company. You know.. give em some suggestions. What? You think she hasn't done something that absurd before? You don't know Female Boss then. Lucky for her this was before my Angry Time cataloging days and I don't remember enuff to really put together a story about it, but yeah, she has called up companies before trying to help them advertise before. I'm pretty sure she's still waiting on some checks in the mail for her services.

Conquering teh Internets!

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Ever since the turn of the century Female Boss has been doing her best to keep the office up to a respectful level regarding technology. Little did she know that she was doing a piss poor job until I arrived on the scene a few years later. They didn't use that new fangled in-mail, had no clue that we could .pdf reports or even use the internet as a research tool. Only now are both of these officetime orange roughies (c'mon, Fish Game!) really starting to see the potential of this information age. Next thing you know they'll be stumbling upon this website and we'll all share a good laugh.

One day, Male Boss came home pretty excited about one of our older clients. Turns out that they took some time to show him what their website looks like and does. Let me just tell you, he was quite impressed with all the bells and whistles and also exposure to the world. This became his new mission: Build a Website!

His gumption was summed up in one sentence, "Female Boss, find out how to get us a website."

Shortly thereafter, he set up shop on the ol' couch, tore open a bag of potato chips and had himself dreams of greasy adventures. With Female Boss now on the job the fervor was steadily climbing. We're gonna turn this office into an e-office and doll out shares of stock like toilet paper! We're gonna be rich I tells ya! The energy is really upbeat, save for the snoozing man on the couch, Female Boss' questions like, "Do you think AOL knows how I can make a website?" and my slow yet satisfied hand writing down of all the absurd things happening around me.

After an hour of computer hacking, Female Boss lands herself on a do-it-yourself website that says you can make your own in minutes! The price is right and Female Boss is looking forward to, in summation from her very words, "express herself and show off her personal things" on the website. Sure, why not? This isn't about building a site for the company, its about random images, blurbs and features that have zero to do with us, our clients and our business. Everything is shaping up as well as I could expect. The question was would all that is promised really be delivered with the vigilant, slumbering giant Male Boss keeping one sharp eye on her from his couch?

Answer: Absofuckinlutely

Female Boss goes for it. She calls up the do-it-yourself website company and gives the cc digits to the employee. Before she knows it, Female Boss has a login and password and is ready to design the interweb.. but before all that she has to successfully navigate their website a second time and perform the login. To my dismay this goes by without a hitch. Female Boss starts in on the basics, URL, layout, colors.. all that crap.

All seems to be going well, then, she takes her lunch break. When she comes back, Female Boss wants to go on to the actual site from her trusty AOL browser. Uh oh, we have a problem..

"Hey Northe, what's my site name?"

"Uhh.. didn't you name it?" let's see if the nudge works.

"Yeah, but what is it?"

"Well, what did you name it?" I refuse to help this idiot.

"I want it to be called Website."

"Ok, so is that the name then?" C'mon lady, its not that hard.. connect the fucking dots here.. please..

"Hmm, what do you think? Should I call?"

"You probably have to," cuz fuckin trying ANYTHING is just plain stupid.

Without the usual hem and haw, Female Boss calls back the company. They tell her that the site name is up to her. She asks them again what it is. After a five minute conversation of explaining that it is up to that fleck of creativity blowing in the wind of her proverbial shanty town of a brain, Female Boss may have grasped it. Then, the guy on the other end of the phone tells her that she actually already named it Website.. the exact same name that she said 10 minutes ago. Wow, she might now know what her site name is. Let's check.

After she hangs up I ask her, "So what is the name of it then?"

Female Boss replies, "Oh, it was Website all along!"

Sometimes pulling the wings off a fly gives me great pleasure, "Are you sure? That's the way they said you should get to the site? I dunno.."

"Well.. well, yeah. I mean I guess."

At this point I'm waiting for her spontaneous combustion or an aneurysm.. something. Her brain has to be on complete overload. However, the seed didn't take root. :(

"Well if its not I am going to name it that right now."

Going back on the site and into the page editor she finds out everything is there the way she had originally done it and named it.. but its not over. The final design of the website was hardly business related at all. Instead of putting up a good deal of information about the company, Female Boss put up snapshots of her "art gallery" and dogs. The best part was when she used a photo provided by the web editing page.. they had a whole set of default photos you could use to spruce up your site apparently.. Female Boss chose a night time skyline picture of some random city.. ocean, bridge.. all that. I don't know my skylines so I couldn't elaborate on how far off she was regarding the whole thing, but Female Boss put a caption under the photo and put "Los Angeles at night, this is how we live."

Upon sending the site to clients, and of course, friends and family I was met with a lot of snickering and "its nice" by the typical pussy ass egg shell walkers that I would expect. I mean why be honest when you can lie and come off as nice. Fuckin idiots. Tho I did get a couple guys really laughing at it. Some guys asking if this was really our "business" website. I would just answer yes with a big grin on my face.

The most notable call back was when Female Boss' brother called and started bitching at her for calling that photo the Los Angeles skyline. Per his criticism, he told Female Boss that "everyone would think that she had no clue what she was talking about" if he kept that caption there. What I find funny is that Brother believes that is the barometer for her lack of smarts.. nothing else this blog would point to. Ahhh, I need more days like these..

Recent Happenings

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I have quite a few very short stories here that have been piling up that really don't relate to anything monumental. I usually save these on the side in hopes that things snowball into something greater but nothing seems to be happening in these departments anymore. So I'll take the day to bang out a few stupid plots that have failed to go anywhere.

First Happening:The first one is a new behavior Pigfoot has been picking up on. In short, whenever I go over to see the dogs they all do the typical dog thing and welcome you with wagging tails. However, as of late, Mr. Foot has been doing his best to make sure that I greet him first. Typically its just Puppy and Pigfoot that come running while The One goes over his Female Boss complex before reassuring himself that its okay to acknowledge someone else's existence.

So the way it goes down is Pigfoot and Puppy race to get to me first. Since Puppy is quicker than Pigfoot, cuz he's fat, he has come up with a tactic to counter her speed with brawn. As Puppy begins to slow down, Pigfoot speeds up and jumps paws first at her. This results in him shoving the shit out of Puppy and she tucks tail and literally gets in line behind him. It was a pretty interesting thing to see unfold the first time and sure enuff its been happening with regularity.. not all the time but often enuff to put a grin on my face.

Next Happening: One of The Plastics purchased a shiny new kitten. Female Boss was on the phone with her just last week. They basically just called to give her the news. Female Boss asks what the name is.. turns out they haven't named it yet. So in proper Female Boss fashion she wants to lend a hand. I hear her saying "no" with that drawn out disappointed tone that she tends to have which translates to "only my answer is good." Her brilliant name is Matzo. Now some people pronounce this matsa, she pronounced it with a very hard O.. just sounded weird the way she was saying it. Then, to the best of my knowledge they answered how they weren't Jewish.

An offended Female Boss strikes back with, "You don't have to be Jewish! Where's your Christmas spirit!?"

Need I go on?

Last Happening: Some neighbor is having a movie shoot go on for the week at their house.. I imagine its porn. Notices are posted on the trees to let everyone know. Being the people watcher that she is, Female Boss is now spending more and more time outside in the front.. problem is the shooting doesn't start for a couple weeks from the time she started making her rounds.

A week goes by and she finally meets the neighbor that is having the crap done at their house. There is very little information that the neighbor offers up to Female Boss.. cuz its porn. After a few more days, Female Boss calls up Neighbor and lets her know that if they need a place to park they can use her driveway. The investment property has a pretty good size driveway with ample parking for about 8 cars and with construction going on at two neighborhood houses the parking on the street is pretty slim.

Female Boss' parking proposition comes at a cost of course and the Neighbor knows this but if they don't want to march for a half mile it may be in their best interest to take Female Boss up on her idea. The Neighbor lets her know that the studio is very pleased to here about her generosity and offers her 8 cars for $50 a day each. Female Boss tells me, I congratulate her. Two days drop off the calendar and she comes into the office very anxious. Finally she spills the beans.

"I don't think $50 is fair. I am going to tell her $100 per day."

I don't stop her. Female Boss delivers the rate negotiation to Neighbor. She is told that Neighbor will get back to her on Monday and that she should be at the office, that morning, just in case. Monday rolls around, Female Boss is bitching left and right about how she doesn't want anyone to park on her property. She starts talking about how she should be charging even more.

When noon thirty hits, it is apparent that no one is going to be using the driveway. Female Boss is livid, "Why has Neighbor not called!? Where are they!? She said they would be here!"

Female Boss makes a phone call to Neighbor. Neighbor explains that they did not want to pay that much for the parking and they worked out a busing solution. Female Boss puts on her best bartering dashiki, "Well we can charge 'em like $30 a day if they want, I could really use the extra money."

Neighbor tells her that everything is arranged and taken care of but thanks her for her offer. When Female Boss hangs up with Neighbor, she is completely offended. I am talking disgusted. She can't understand why they wouldn't use her driveway for such a good deal. Then, after all that stupidity of going back and forth on what she wants and for what price she says, "Well I guess its better this way, I didn't want anyone parking here anyway."

Now tell me there aren't several really stupid people fighting for control of her brain in there.

I'm a Helper

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

If or when you have kids you'll better understand this. I guess you don't even need kids to relate. You just need to be that fed up with spoon feeding your brainless peers, inferiors or even superiors to get the gist of this. However, the way I look at it is trying to get a young person to figure out the answer by themselves. All that is required is a gentle nudging in the right direction and their little eyes light up as the solution or whatever it is pops in their head. Its a win win cuz they learn and you don't have to go about wasting much time trying to explain something that you already find pretty simple to begin with.

I have taken this approach with Female Boss a couple times with disastrous result. There is nothing in her poor brain that can click. Nothing that can muster the power of logic and make her feel good about herself, on her own.. with or without help from outsiders. Well, enough about that, gather around and I'll tell you a tale.

I had a great opportunity not too long ago to assist Female Boss in a little brain work. I was in the kitchen grabbing a drink and the phone began to ring. I have no phone in there with me so Female Boss is gonna have to answer it. Clearly, life couldn't be that easy.

Instead its, "XXX-XXX-XXXX... Who the hell is that?"

The phone is on its 4th ring and getting ready to be rocketed to voicemail if she doesn't grab it. Still ringing. Is she gonna answer that shit or is she awaiting a response from me?

The phone stops ringing. Female Boss never picked it up. Jeezus, what a reject. I decide that I am going to extend my break and have a snack. I stay in the kitchen. A few moments later the phone rings again.

"Same number. Who the fuck is calling?"

I decide to give Female Boss an answer, "No clue."

"Well, I'm not getting it."

"Heh, you're not gonna answer?"

"Nope."

Great. Why answer your own question by figuring it out yourself? Why would you do that? That would make sense and that has no place within these walls. My threshold for such stupidity is non-existent yet somehow while I am at work I can grin and bear it, I guess its bcuz I know the situation will continue to revisit and revisit and revisit until there is some sort of satisfaction. The gods deliver no longer than a minute later. Ringy ding ding, grab the fuckin phone you idiot.

"Its them again. Do you know who it is?"

Hmm, in the last 60 seconds I gave a fuck enuff to browse my memory to set your fuckin nerves free from being hassled. I don't think so. Try answering the phone your damn self. The phone call again goes to voicemail. So dumb.

Less then 10 seconds go by this time. *Ring*

"They're calling again!"

"You gonna grab it?" I ask.

"No, I'm not answering it!" she says with her arms crossed and staring at the phone.

You have to understand when the dumb don't understand something they lash out against it in one form or another, be it thru fear or anger. Female Boss has taken the anger route. This phone caller is becoming a threat and she is taking it personal now.

I have finished what I was doing in the kitchen and I head back to my seat. Amazing, the phone is ringing again. Oh, and looky here, same number! Couldn't have guessed that was coming.

"Do you want to answer it to solve the mystery or is the pleasure all mine?" I ask.

"I'm not picking it up," answers Female Boss with a salty look on her face.

I grab the phone. Mystery solved, "Female Boss, your best friend is on the line."

"Oh yeah!!! I thought I knew that number!"

Hey I tried to help the clown. I tried to coax her into falling into the tiger trap of answering the phone but the conversation blasts off into the ether and nothing that would transpire between normal humans takes place. When Female Boss got on the line with her best friend, it was as if her brain was properly supplied with oxygen the entire time.. likely priming the gears for a good talk about keeping eggs warm.. totally amazing to me. This woman calls about 10 times a week and she doesn't recognize the phone number instantly? Who's up for a neck stabbing?

Female Boss Shorts 11

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Oh yeah, have another dose!

Scenario #1: The other day Female Boss asks me, "Is it gonna rain?"

I check the forecast, "Nope, no rain. The weather is just gonna stay cool."

A good 5 minutes later, "Is it gonna warm up?"

At first I don't answer but the burrowing parasites keep stimulating the same section of her brain, "Northe? Did they say if it was gonna warm up?"

Deep breath, "Nope.."

"Oh and you believe them?"

Aaaaa.. ha ha.. aaaah.. ha ha ha.. oh.. ha... She must have been waiting to drop that funny one. How do I figure that it was a joke? Cuz she did one of those pbbt sounds by pressing her lips together trying to hold in her laughter. Yeah, good one.

Scenario #2: Here's a brain teaser. We have several lines here in the office. Female Boss uses different lines to dial out a lot of the time. In other words, she'll just randomly push a line # and start dialing, whether it be line 1, 2 or 3. Whatever.

So lately, Female Boss has been the main character in this ludicrous saga where she has no concept on how telephones work. Here's a typical example. She makes the phone call to the person. The person calls back. The phone line ringing isn't the default line 1, its the line she called from. I answer the phone, tell her that So-and-so is on line whatever and it starts..

"How'd they get on that line!?"

I never answer her. There's literally no reason why I should have to waste my time and breath on such stupidity. Like all things at Angry Time the situation has begun to snowball. Now it goes something like this..

"Where are they getting this number???"

Female Boss answers the phone, "Why are you calling on this number? I don't think you guys have the right phone number in your database for us."

Then, just the other day, "Here let me give you the right number to call..."

Followed by Female Boss refusing to talk to them on that line, hanging up and them having to call back. It was pretty much the last straw for this person so they told her why the fuck they called on that line. I could practically see that dim bulb appearing over her head as she realized how easy that it is to figure out. Fuckin idiot. Of course after the phone call I get hit with, "Northe! Its bcuz of caller ID!"

What a time to be alive..

40 Days in a Month

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Oh Female Boss, you are truly a miracle of science. Oh! So one of The Plastic's husbands went under the knife to repair his ticker. The surgery was a success and this fine gentleman is recuperating without any problems thus far. Female Boss followed up bi-weekly with them to keep tabs on any needs they may have had and for her own peace of mind. Good friend, just dumb.

After a conversation with The Plastic, Female Boss hangs up and starts giving me the scoop as if I asked and as if I was at all interested. Hey lady I'm working here, and no I don't care. Sorry, I don't. Fuck you if that's a problem, I have my own shit to deal with. During her insipid monologue, Female Boss does a little flexing of her perception muscles and demonstrates to me how well she understands the Gregorian Calendar.

"Well anyway, he's doing just fine. Which is great news. Hmm, let me see.. he had his surgery on July 19th, right? Annnnnndddd todaaayyyyyy is, ah! August 27th! Wow! Pretty soon it will be a whole month and the man is doing great!"

I drop a condescending, "Yeah, its only been a few weeks."

Like a moronic mackerel (cmon HMT, what ever happened to the Fish Game?), Female Boss takes the bait and swims away with it.

"Well yeah, but it hasn't even been a month yet!"

You know, you'd think that Female Boss might be able to just do some quick arithmetic in her head. Not even arithmetic, you'd think that when she flipped thru her calendar she might have noticed skipping thru like 5 or 6 lines of weeks before speaking. All it would take is counting. Counting! Of course not. Sometimes she makes it too easy to get the type of response I am looking for..

Female Boss Shorts 10

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Jeez, over the last few days I have really been dumping out the Female Boss Shorts. I will have another update with another set of stories before the week is up too. She just never has a dull week. No one here would have it any other way I'm sure.

Scenario #1: This first one was during one of Female Boss' short lived phases. She was in one of those moods where she was taking no guff. All day she was just bitter at about everything; however, the one thing that stood out that day was when she was on the phone with some client and said client brought on one of their clients to complain to Female Boss about their experience dealing with her. Needless to say she was caught off guard, embarrassed and pissed. To deal with her frustration Female Boss had some scathing words to say to the poor, helpless base of her phone, "Great! You fuck! Great! (Changing her voice to emulate someone with a speech impediment now) Oh, hi my name is Jack and I had some concerns (Angrier now) about how stupid you are! (Switching to stern) I bet your last name is Jack Fuck! (Trailing off into mumbling) Writing it down as Fuck, Jack on resumes."

Scenario #2: After receiving some in-mails about how horses are killed in the United States, Female Boss has gone on a short-lived PETA kick. Everything is oppressed, the world is caving in, severe depression.. the life of so many idiots in this world.. I am sure you know the type. In her newfound world view that lasted all of 4 days, Female Boss made the decision to let Demonseed "roam free" as she says. No more cage for the bird. Sounds good to me. Let's go over how it played out.

Day 1: Two rolls of paper towels and her kitchen towel shredded.

Day 2: In the night, Demonseed found interest in all 4 of the pillows on the couch, not the cushions. Too bad the couch stayed intact.

Day 3: Female Boss finds herself cleaning up and complaining about bird shit "hiding everywhere."

Day 4: On Demonseed's final day of freedom the hose of the vacuum was split in two by one powerful beak. The cord was also frayed in three places.

Expensive lesson. So much for that idea, brainiac.

Muttonhead Sangwich

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

What'dya know we're having another meltdown in the office and I am caught between this boisterous, travesty of a baboon and the vacuous mind of a mentally defunct banana slug. Male Boss calls me up from his car and is going ape tits. He is repeating himself over and over again.. some shit that, first of all, I can hardly understand and, second of all, I definitely have no clue what the fuck he's talking about. As his voice gets louder and the crisis seems to be getting crazier in mind of Male Boss, being that its already his 3rd phone call in no more than 10 minutes, Female Boss is completely unaware of it all.

Once Male Boss gathers what's left of his wits (read as: phone call #4), he starts to demand to speak with Female Boss. Oh, by the way, reason why Female boss is oblivious to whats going on is cuz she's on the damn phone with one of her reject Plastic friends. I have no clue what the hell she's talking about as I have only been able to listen to the rantings of Male Boss' best impersonation of a schizophrenic vagabond the whole time. With the tepid thought process of Male Boss slowly infecting my brain, I attempt to disrupt Female Boss' conversation and tell her that Male Boss is desperate to speak with her. My request is met with outright refusal. Of course, why would it be anything different in this shitfest? I unclick the hold button and deliver the news.

His response is, "Fuck her." *click*

Another phone call comes in sooner than I can let an exaggerated sigh to get as much dumb outta my lungs that I may have accidentally inhaled. Hey, guess what, he wants to speak with Female Boss. I place him on hold, interrupt Female Boss and before I can get out his full name Female Boss is shaking her head adamantly. I give him my best narration on the latest and he hangs up extremely pissed.

Again, call back. Again, no dice. Again, hang up.

Here we go once more, only this time Male Boss is fed up, "Tell her I am coming home to kick her ass!" *click*

Knowing that this could very well be the highlight of the last fortnight, I don't exactly follow thru with his request. In fact, I don't think I said a fucking thing to Female Boss. Whoops. Oh well, I figure that in my absentmindedness things will go much better if its a surprise anyway. Its fun to play god in this demented universe.

The final time he calls, Male Boss is only a few minutes away. I go ahead with the same song and dance of trying to get Female Boss on the phone for him. This time, Female Boss gives me a bit of a rant about she is having an important conversation and whatever the fuck it is, "it can wait." I am sure to give Male Boss the message. He's about as bent as I have ever heard him. Only profanity seems to be able to escape his mouth and that itchy trigger finger keeps hanging up before he can finish a sentence. Oh well.

So as soon as I set the phone down and focus in on Female Boss' conversation the first words I hear outta her whore mouth are, "So they take the egg and sit on it to keep it warm! Yes! I know!"

These words were emphasized as if she was reporting that the cure for cancer had been found. Good thing Male Boss has been completely blown off for that profound exchange. I do regret to report that the disappointing part of the story is the ending. It was really nothing at all. Turns out Male Boss was just being a dramatic bitch. Its all too ridiculous either way.

Female Boss Shorts 9

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Scenario #1: The Gardener has gone back to Mehico, or wherever Jews are from (see Scenario #2), for a one month. Since Female Boss is very dependent on his services she is becoming quite stressed out. I'll take another second to remind you that the property is tiny which puts Female Boss' overwhelming feeling of distress into prespecteev.

Lemme break it down for you. Female Boss' stress amounts to this quite literally: weeding a couple flower beds and mowing the lawn.. once at the very most for each job. Now that we are in a clear understanding for DefCon 4, Female Boss takes the necessary precautions. She heads to the local hardware store and comes back equipped for her month long standoff with the yard.

Female Boss' purchases include: a new spade, bcuz according to her the other one she bought last year "doesn't work right," whatever that means.. Next, a 50 count box of 33 gallon black garbage bags.. 33 gallon.. 50 of em.. 50. A pick axe to "turn up the soil even tho 98% of the property is lawn. Grass shears, in case the lawn mower "slows her down." Lastly, a new pair of gardening gloves for, and I swear to you this is what she said, "to combat her allergies." Wow..

Scenario #2: With Turkey Day looming back at the time this tale was in the making, I can't help but be reminded of another one of Male Boss' finest moments that you will find here (First Scenario). What sparked this thought? Female Boss is rambling on and on about Thanksgiving for some reason. Somewhere along the lines of her nonsensical string of half-thoughts and burps, she starts complaining about Turkey Day of all things! Lay off the feasting of tasty bird for crying out loud! Whore.

"I don't want to go to my family's! There always ends up being a fight. Then, my brother will make jokes about my pets and that they are a part of my "zoo" and worse yet, I am the zoo keeper!"

...

"I can't take it! I can't take it! I don't want to go!"

Yeah? Well what the fuck do you want me to do? Just shut up already..

As I keep my mouth shut, Female Boss doesn't drop more gems like I had hoped for. Instead her train of thought changes, as is the way of a brain lacking that ever so vital oxygen supply. Basically she starts talking about her plans for the weekend. Involving going to her family's house.. christ. Glad you spent the last 15 minutes bitching about it only to rejoice in the fact that you are still gonna go. Female Boss switches topics yet again to dig deep and pull out some Nostradamus-like foresight.

"I think a lot of ppl are gonna be cooking for Thanksgiving this year."

No shit? Wait a second, no way! People cooking for Thanksgiving.. that's just dumb. We all go out to dinner at Bunboy like her family I am guessing?

Mistakes of the Past 2

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Yesterday left you with a classic Male Boss scenario. His arrogance has proven to get the best of him and his comeuppence draws nigh. When we came into work after the weekend neither of us were prepared for what greeted us.

That Monday morning the investment property was a complete disaster. The house was slathered from the windows to the wall in a fine slick of dog shit. It was as if a kindergarten class came over and had a finger painting party. I follow close behind Male Boss, the second the dogs see me they charge me happily to say hello. I stomped my foot as hard as I could and told them to back the fuck up.

Of course they are too stupid to understand my disgust in them but Lord knows their paws are carrying a cocktail of bacteria in the form of dry, caked on shit accented with the fresh wet shit from that very morning. No thanks, assholes. Male Boss was petrified, I really don't think he could believe his own eyes. He stood there, the dogs bounced to and fro off of him mucking up the front and back of his jeans. He does nothing at first, then expresses how furious he is with himself.

"I fucked up, Northe. I really fucked this up this time. I didn't think and I fucked the shit up."

I gave him the ol' grin followed up by an, "I told you so."

Male Boss didn't even acknowledge me. He started gathering all the stacks of napkins from his various fast food trips he could find. I tip toed thru the mine field in the kitchen, grabbed the roll of paper towels and tossed it to him. Knowing that it wouldn't be enuff to do the job, I gave him a heads up.

"Hey, Male Boss, I'm gonna head to the store and grab you a 3 pack of paper towels."

I needed to get the hell outta there. I spent a good hour away from work and came back to spy a beautiful scene unfold. The door was slightly ajar when I came back, a black plastic trash bag with the ends tied in a knot lay at the front step. Knowing what it was full of, I nudged it aside and slowly poked my head into the house.

There it was, Male Boss down on his hands and knees. He fashioned knee pads out of napkins that didn't do as good a job as he had hoped. With one napkin in hand, Male Boss was picking at wads of doo. Every now and then he would do the swirly scoop smear that would only make it harder to come clean. All the while the dogs are playing in circles around him and putting their faces right in his.

After a few seconds of watching, Male Boss reaches his breaking point. With poo clasped in napkined hand, he goes from dog to dog shaking the it and shoving it in their faces, "Huh? You wanna smell it!"

Male Boss' eyes are wide and look almost bloodshot. His hair is all frazzled and he breathes only thru his mouth making him sound much more hilarious than usual, "You wanna smell your own shit!?"

He lunges at them angrily and sadly enuff the dogs are so confused with the situation they keep coming back to him wondering what exactly is in his hand and if he's offering it up to them. This is only pissing Male Boss off more so, "Get the fuck outta here!"

They come back for more. The One gets a little too close and faces the wrath, "You want to taste it you son of a bitch!? Huh? Taste it!"

Male Boss shoves the open faced napkin into The One's snout, "Fucking taste it! You like it you mother fucking ass!?"

I am just standing in the doorway, holding back the tears of laughter as best I can. After Male Boss had lashed out at the pups, Male Boss' demeanor changes. Maybe he felt bad, I don't know. His speech and behavior were as indecipherable as his usual speech.

"That's it. You're all just dogs. All of you, just fucking dogs. That's it."

Mistakes of the Past

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

During the time this story was going on Female Boss was taking more vacations than a popular politician. Over a two month period she was gone for 24 work days. Upon her latest return, a Wednesday, she told Male Boss that she was going to leave again for the weekend. In Female Boss speak "for the weekend" meant that she would be leaving early today and we weren't likely to see her until Tuesday. Within her pep talk about the joys of travel Female Boss decided to drop a bombshell on Male Boss.. it would be another go at Female Boss handing the reigns over to Male Boss in regards to taking care of the pups.

Male Boss began with his usual protesting. Female Boss was not trying to hear a thing. Male Boss even brought up the fact that in the past he has been a terrible failure and how he resents having to take care of "those fucking dogs." Female Boss starts up on the "I am under so much stress" speech and wins the argument. It doesn't shock me one bit that Male Boss doesn't have the mental dexterity to bring up the fact that she has taken tons of vacation time lately. Instead, Male Boss folds up like a whimpering bitch and Female Boss rightfully wins the debate.

Thursday morning Male Boss comes into the office with all the dogs. He walks into the office with all the dogs with harnessed and leashed up and a face full of shame. I start laughing at him, Male Boss' head sinks to the floor, "Oh you think this is funny? Look at me, Northe!"

I continue to laugh and shake my head at him. To my delight the mocking inspires Male Boss. It is he that will have the last laugh.

"Fuck it, Northe. You know what I am going to do? Leaving the fucking dogs right here! Right fucking here!"

Rough translation means that he is not going to take the dogs back home with him. He wants to just leave em here at the investment property essentially relinquishing him from all responsibility..

I toss him a logical question, "Are you going to come back and feed them and give them water over the weekend?"

I am met with the answer from my wildest dreams, "Hell no! Fuck these fucking dogs! Going to put out the bowls of food and water and thats it."

"What about their shit?" I ask.

Male Boss believes that it is in his best interest to let all the shit pile up and clean it up in one fell swoop on Monday. I remind him of his folly of the past, that worse things can potentially happen. Male Boss laughs in the face of death by not taking heed to my words and blows off my warnings without hesitation.

Sidebar: Gonna have to break this into two stories. I have been slacking on finishing up a bunch of different stories here so if I get something out it will motivate me to finish this up tonight when I get home. Tomorrow's update will conclude the story.

We Have A Visitor

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Imagine the joy in my heart when I found out that Padre was sending over a friend from overseas, another priest so you know, to stay at the investment property for a couple of days. This was a brand new shot at someone else's personal Vietnam to take place here at the office. The smile on my face was not like one of those jovial kid in the candy store type deals, its more like the sinister smile of a sniper before he squeezes off a kill thats been a long time coming.

Rejuvenated with the news, I asked when this would be. The victim was gonna be here on Thursday and then stay the weekend, most of his time would obviously be at the investment property alone but it gave me two days of some great potential. Not the best case scenario but good enuff. The week before fell off the calendar and arrival time came.

He was a portly gent, not very nice and seemed to me that the good Lord blessed him with an extremely severe case of gum disease that stopped me from even shaking his hand. It was frikkin disgusting. It looked like it hurt to smile.. it was like a coked out angel stole God's product and hammered pieces of chipped teeth into his gums. Apparently no one showed this idiot what a toothbrush or floss was in his 60+ years on this here Earth to boot. According to my calculations the only thing that can save this guy's mouth at this point would be some sort of chisel set and enuff porcelain to construct a bidet. Then maybe pickup a set of donated horse gums to replace the red, irritated and decaying human set he has. Even then, you'd still have to tackle the halitosis problem.

As one can deduce, his overwhelming repugnance set off the 21 gun salute welcome that the dogs give off to any and all guests of honor at the investment property. Lucky for this jackass, they were all present and about as loud as you can possibly imagine. Before long his ears were ringing to the point where he can no longer hear a lot of the frequencies he once enjoyed. Good enuff, as the only person worth speaking to in the office wasn't going to be saying anything to him anyway.. so you know, that person would be me.

The best part about the whole thing is that Female Boss is doing her usual song and dance about how this is so uncharacteristic of the dogs followed by her making shushing sounds that are all but drowned out completely in the noise. Female Boss takes GumDisease to the back room and shows him where he will be staying, silence takes the room back, not a peep from the dogs. When she comes back in with GumDisease, it starts all over again as if these were GumDisease's initial seconds of entry.

The tour continues to the office, where I am now seated. Demonseed's cage is in the room with me as well. As soon as Demonseed sees GumDisease she starts going completely ballistic. She couldn't quite see GumDisease when he walked in so she had only been flying back and forth across her cage trying to sneak a peak. Now that she has seen the infiltrator she greets him like only Demonseed can. Her screeching is insane. I'm talking painful. Its like a very fine laser beam passing right thru your brain over and over again. The good news is through many hours of training I am able to find it hysterical bcuz the chaos only makes for a more interesting story for Angry Time.

Female Boss is starting to fidget and bob and weave. She knows she looks like an idiot and GumDisease is really getting pissy. GumDisease puts his hands on top of his head and leaves them there.

"Good heavens that bird!" yelps GumDisease.

"Oh, nooo. She's a good bird. Right, Northe?" pleads Female Boss.

The beauty of stupid questions and ambient noise is that you can pretend that you never heard them.

"Yeah, see she's a good bird," says Female Boss to Demonseed as she clutches the side of the cage with her talons screaming right in her face.

"Quiet!" screams Female Boss back at the bird.

Even though it was probably the loudest I have ever heard her scream its as if she was whispering. The sound is becoming deafening, GumDisease is in complete shock staring at her with his hands still on his head wondering what the hell Jesus would do.. I am guessing. Unfortunately, GumDisease doesn't have the answer in any handbook and stands frozen, mouth wide open and the blood rushing to his head.

So Female Boss starts up something new, "La la la la la."

Female Boss' singing seems to be working. Slowly, the dogs cease their barking one by one after some time. Demonseed is down to a mere caw and all is becoming right in the world again. Still nervous with hand shaking from the embarrassment, Female Boss turns around to face GumDisease.

She sees how completely appalled GumDisease is. Trying to lighten the mood, Female Boss jokingly says, "I take it you are dying to hold the bird."

GumDisease is not amused, "That bird is not my responsibility."

His stare is about as cold as a witch's teet. There is no sarcasm. There is no joy. There is no light in his eye, only despair. In the first 15 minutes of being here, GumDisease has already outlived his stay. He did not spend the night at the investment property. He did not even stay a couple hours. In fact, Female Boss told me the next day that he never unpacked his things and left to a local motel in a cab about 30 minutes after I left. GumDisease was such a pissed off customer that when Female Boss insisted that she drive him to the motel he wouldn't even accept it. Phenomenal.

Quality Time With Male Boss

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

It was getting toward the end of a long day. Female Boss and Male Boss are in their typical cerebral bitchfest complaining about this, that and the other. I make sure to immerse myself in some kind of radio topic drowning out their pathetic sparring session. For once, I am pretty upset I was doing my best not to pay attention bcuz Male Boss and I shared a moment not much later.

Still completely into my sports radio talk, I can hear the dyspeptic rumble of idiocy dying down. Female Boss leaves in a shitty mood, as usual. I still have another 20 minutes left on the clock before I can escape my temporary damnation cuz Male Boss is still floating around somewhere in the kitchen. If he'd just leave I'd leave a minute or two later and all is right in the world again.

Instead, Male Boss comes in with two tumblers with a bit of scotch in each.

"This one's on me, Northe."

I take my glass and raise it to him. We sip a bit in silence and he starts up the conversation, "You and me. We got lucky, Northe."

After a bit of silent and another swig of scotch I ask him, "Why's that?"

"God didn't make us born the womens."

We share a laugh, raise our glasses again and take our last sips.

"Female Boss is one fucked up broad."

I can't argue so I swirl a bit and take down my last drop.

Male Boss gets up and instructs me that its time to go home. He turns off the lights in the office and closes up shop for the evening. I take his glass and take em to the kitchen to rinse em out.

"We got some fucking luck, right?" asks Male Boss.

I look up from the sink ringing my hands of the water on em, "I suppose we do."

As we leave the investment property and he locks up the door behind us he leaves me with this, "Yes my friend, we got some fucking luck.. not to be that shit."

Here's to not being that shit, friends.

Dunkirt Revisited

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Re-read me. At minimum, re-familiarize yourself. Things haven't been getting any better. Dunkirt's new friends are now known as "The Flies That Go Thru and In" in many friendly circles to Angry Time now and said flies continue to make sweet love within the anal cavity of this frikkin pig. It hasn't just stayed the same either, its getting worse.

Day by day, I have noticed the increasing swarm of flies around this fat fuck. Useless lump that he is, Dunkirt just lays there enjoying the delicate tickle that the flies offer him. Female Boss is beside herself bcuz every day Male Boss makes a comment about the disgusting situation. Its become so bad that if Dunkirt is laying there and you walk by him a fleet of flies leap up from all over the place.. its insane. So Female Boss has come up with a few solutions, if they will work only time will tell.

Her first idea was to buy this crap. Its this thick, opaque salve that I pray she isn't rubbing "thru and in" on ye ol' pig but I can't confirm. However, at first I didn't know that this crap was a salve. I just saw the container. All I know is when Female Boss brought it to work she opened it and just placed it where the pig spends most of its time sideways and conjuring up more stink. For a couple days there, I didn't notice the pig being swarmed. I figured maybe the crap worked like one of those insect candles or some such. Turns out I was wrong.

After that weekend, the lid was still off the Flys-Off and the flies were back to continue their expedition of going thru and in. During the course of the week it became so bad that Dunkirt was found trying to snap at the flies and even squealing in frustration. Perhaps his nether regions have grown raw and sensitive.. mmm, good visual. Male Boss didn't give a fuck anymore, his comments had now ceased but Female Boss was determined to stop the infestation.

Her next tactic was to "tent" the sleeping quarters of Dunkirt. Female Boss is making Dunkirt sleep within his makeshift tent and continuing to place the salve right next to it. I think its working better as there aren't near as many flies but there are flies still about. The more disturbing part of this tale is the final and most desperate measure, I believe, Female Boss has taken.

The other morning I noticed finger dents and smearsmear marks within the jar of salve. Taken aback by this, I peered down to read the directions. Turns out you want to rub the crap within wounds and shit like that. Thing is, Dunkirt doesn't have any wounds but according to Male Boss he has an orifice that doubles as a condo. I hate to take your minds down that path but I gotta tell ya it may be true. I don't know for sure tho. I just hope that Female Boss isn't that crazy to apply cream upon, within and around the thru and in entrance for the flies.

Boss Warfare 7

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Scenario #1: Male Boss is shockingly in the sitting room doing nothing at all. Female Boss and I are in the office area. I can only vouch for myself when I say "we" are working. Chances are Female Boss is trying to figure out how to open a file on her computer.. something she forgets fairly often how to do.

Once Female Boss' brain hiccups her back to a somewhat functional human being she notices Puppy is with Male Boss on the couch.

"What are you doing, Puppy?"

"I'm watching my stories. Leave me the hell alone. I'm with the dog."

Female Boss turns red in the face.

"I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to Puppy, you idiot!"

"If I'm the idiot you tell me what Puppy says."

Female Boss is silent, what can she say?

"You see? You see how dumb you are? Asks the dog the question and mad on me for answering. You wouldn't hear shit! The dogs don't talk, stop asking questions and stop wasting my stories!"

Scenario #2: Female Boss is on the line with her brother. Its the usual crap they talk about.. summed up in a word - nothing. They don't talk about shit important. They don't talk about events, music, movies, shows.. anything. Usually she just asks if he received an in-mail or something or why he didn't reply or who should she forward the in-mail to, or if he forwarded it to anyone. Drives me fuckin nuts.

So while Female Boss is on the line with him, Male Boss is in the kitchen with The One. He is making a bit of a racket which usually means that he is looking for a treat to give The One. Female Boss realizes this. She made it fairly clear that she didn't want The One getting any treats during the day anymore cuz when she takes him home he doesn't eat dinner. Rather than reiterating this to Male Boss she goes a different route.

"Male Boss, can you bring The One in here for me?"

Male Boss doesn't answer. Female Boss repeats herself. Still no answer.

As Male Boss is turning the corner with The One in his arms, Female Boss is beginning her whining to her brother, "Sorry Brother, but I apparently am not allowed to talk on the phone right now. I am so sorry, Male Boss says that I can't talk on the phone. Uh huh, yeah, I am so sorry, nothing is important but doing work here so I have to go now."

Female Boss hangs up the phone.

Male Boss gets angry, "Why the fuck you tell him like that? What the fuck? What the fuck you doing?"

"You can't do a simple thing that I ask of you," she yells at him.

"What the fuck? You blinded? I have the fucking dog here. Fucking take him. Stupid, stupid. Fuck! Don't do that again. You fucking lie on me to your brother. I don't like that shit!"

"Then do what I ask and I won't."

"Fucking crazy woman! I bring you the dog! Its here! You have it! Don't lie on me again! EVER!"

Its maddening. I don't know where Female Boss gets off doing shit like that. I don't know what her deal is. She's simply insane and poor Male Boss has to deal with her wrath. I wouldn't know what to do if she ever tried pulling shit like that on me.

"It looka like a man."

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

We've all seen that sketch that got old after the first 25 seconds on Mad TV haven't we? Oh well, who cares. Its really not that important. However, it does shed some light on how brazenly stupid Male Boss remains. There is no need for me to re-link you guys the myriad of stories about how Male Boss is all but hopeless when it comes to computers so you're gonna have to go back and refresh yourself with terms like "in-mail" on your own time.

A while back I showed Male Boss how to set up some basic computer bullshit. He asked a bunch of stupid questions while I was doing it and then would repeat aloud what I was doing. For example, taking a cord and plugging it into the back of the computer he would say, "Yeah, go ahead and take that and plug it right there," while I'm doing it! Pretty fuckin annoying, lemme tell ya. I tried to teach him anything but Male Boss is the type of guy that doesn't have the patience to learn anything new and once sees it, thinks he is a know-it-all. I could really care less, its when he bugs me on the weekend to try and figure out shit that I couldn't decipher to save my family.

I remember getting a voicemail over this one weekend. It was Male Boss, calling from his cell phone from a friend's house. They were trying to set up the guy's new computer. Somehow, they got the computer up and running but when it came to the peripherals they started coming across snags. The voicemail was half in english and the other half in the beautiful, angry barks that is his native language.

What stuck out most in my mind is, "We have the cable with the man on it. We want to know where it needs to be plugged. Looks like a man, I don't know. Where do we put?"

Next voicemail message was him again, Male Boss kept repeating himself, the same shit, while talking to the guy that was with him. Both messages were a good 2 minutes. I had no clue what the poor guy was talking about at all. After shaving another 2 hours off the clock in the hopes that he would no longer be at his friend's house I called him back. Thankfully he didn't answer his cell so I just left him a message that I'll see if I can figure it out come Monday.

On Monday, he presented me with the problem. He drew a sketch of a stick figure. I asked him what it was. Male Boss insisted it was the symbol on the cord and they had no clue what it meant.

"What means that? Looks like the man, right?"

I affirmed that yes, that drawing does look like a man but I have never seen anything like that before on a computer part. After a few frustrating minutes Male Boss calls his friend up. Thank god the fucker spoke good english. He told me that it was his printer. They had the old-school fatty cable that his computer didn't have and then there was the second cable to connect to the computer.

"The USB cable?" I asked.

The guy had no clue what I meant, so I put him on hold. I went to our printer and pulled out the USB cable.

"Is this what it looks like?" I asked Male Boss.

"Yeah, pretty thin like that."

"Has to be the USB cable then," I told him.

"What about the man then?" he asked me.

Having no fucking clue what he was talking about I gave the cable a closer inspection. No fuckin way. This couldn't possibly be. I lifted the end of the cable to Male Boss' eye level, "This it?"

"Yes! That's the man! What's fucking means that!?"

"That is USB symbol, Male Boss. Its not a man."

You know what it looks like? Here take a look. Rotate it in your head so that the circle is at the top.. I guess thats the head. Just like a man right? Fuckin unreal. Rather than the conversation ending with Male Boss' strangulation with a USB cable it ended with..

"To me looks like a man. That's the older people thinks. You see, you are young so you know. To me, looks like a man. Its a fucking man."

Dunkirt vs. The Professional

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Go ahead and take some time to refresh yourself on what Dunkirt once was. The world was once this pig's oyster, he had it all. He was entertaining, energetic and most of all a pleasure to be around. Now that you remember young Dunkirt, lets continue to delve into what has become of this land cow.

The reason I link to you that particular post is to demonstrate that how some things at one stage in life are cute and how the exact same thing can eventually become just plain fuckin annoying. Over the months, Dunkirt's brain soaked in everything like a sponge. Female Boss rightfully was recognized as the general caretaker. I became, "morning banana peel guy" as I would give Dunkirt the pleasure of eating what I consider a portion of my daily waste, and The Professional became "the tag guy" to Mr. Kirt.

One thing was for sure, nothing made Dunkirt happier than seeing The Professional. If Dunkirt was in the right mood, as a burgeoning young adult pig, he would squeal and charge The Professional with wanton disregard. The poor guy was only hoping that The Professional would stick around and play tag with him. The problem is that as Dunkirt aged and grew the act went from playful tyke to a battering ram ripe to cause internal bleeding. This upset The Professional very much. Often he would scold Dunkirt when coming into the house or use his briefcase as a makeshift shield to fend off his foe. The Professional would act up the most if Female Boss wasn't around. He would curse at Dunkirt and scare him off. This turns out to be a bad move.

Now that Dunkirt is hulking house of flies, he has learned to hate his one time Huckleberry Friend. Nowadays, whenever The Professional comes to the house, it turns into a dangerous game of cat and mouse. The last time The Professional was at all amicable with Dunkirt he paid for it dearly. The way he tells the story is he was getting out of his car and Dunkirt was in the front putting around, per the norm. As The Professional approached the house Dunkirt slowly made his way over toward The Professional and as he turned his back on the pig, Dunkirt smashed his forehead into the side of his leg.

Needless to say The Professional came in ranting and screaming about "that fucking pig." To no one's surprise, Female Boss stepped in to her oblivious role of pet owner and refused to believe it was anything malicious or even something to be concerned about. Where have we seen this behavior before? Hmm..

So now, The Professional avoids Dunkirt at all costs. On weekday mornings I can look out the window and seeing him dodge from left to right and even leaping as he crosses the path of Dunkirt to get around him. When Dunkirt is blocking the front door, he'll use the side door. Anything to get away from him. When asked why he doesn't come in the front door by Female Boss, The Professional replies, "Tell me when you want to turn that pig into sausage and I will come in through the front door when that fucking guy is in my way."

I put my money on The Professional in anticipation of a good meal.

Female Boss Shorts 8

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

After taking my summer break from Angry Time and starting to write up this duo of tales I had forgotten that I created a series of Female Boss Shorts.. then to find out that I am now on #8 for this series I am at the crossroads of whether or not that the number is becoming impressive or if I am way behind on schedule. This pair of stories are just as good as any. They continue to document that stupidity knows no bounds. Have at 'em.

Scenario #1: Female Boss is doing her best to fumble around on the internets. She comes across some website that sells shoes. I keep hearing her comment, "Oh that's cute. That one's cute. Oh wow, I love those."

The high pitched impressed tone she emits is starting to wear down my ability to ignore her for extended periods of time.. that and the fact that I really can't stand it when people talk out loud about shit that you can't see or don't care to see. Figuring I'd rather just get it over with now I ask, "What is it?"

"Oh! These shoes! They are SO CUTE," squeals Female Boss.

"You gonna buy em?"

"Absolutely, I just don't know how many pairs."

"Sounds good."

A couple quiet minutes later, disappointment has taken over Female Boss' annoyingly pleased mood. "Aww, Northe. These are baby shoes!"

I didn't even know what to say to that. Instead of having to come up with a stealthily demeaning yet witty comment, Female Boss takes it all one further.

"Well wait hold on a sec, let me check the sizes. Oh! Great. These are size 8B. I am size 8! I'm gonna order a pair and hope they fit."

Baby sized shoes. Its gotta be the same thing. I mean that "B" after the number couldn't possibly be some sort of sizing method especially for baby. No way. Female Boss scored some new shoes.... sigh..

Scenario #2: Female Boss has been having problems with the gardener she hired to tend to this investment property lately. Nothing new really. She is always dissatisfied about something the poor old guy is doing. There's really not much that has to be done to such a small property but rather than communicate what she wants done she tends to just air it out to me in hopes that the gardener will pick up her vibes thru ESP. Female Boss almost never tells the gardener what specifically she wants or what is bothering her about the job he does; therefore, nothing ever goes the way she wants leaving us with a perpetual complaint machine.

A few weeks back, the gardener starting bringing along his younger brother.. and by younger I mean about 45. I have spoken to these guys on occasion if I come to the house when they are outside and just say whats up. They speak Spanish and a good amount of English, too.

This is relevant bcuz Female Boss started on a rant the other day, "That stupid brother of his. I know he speaks English! I have seen him speak it to his brother! Then when I talk to him he stares at me like he has no clue what I am saying!"

Female Boss is pretty pissed so I laugh a bit to keep her going. She does.

"I mean come on.. these guys know English! They aren't even Mexican!"

This takes me by surprise bcuz I am pretty sure they are. You also have to understand that "Mexican" doesn't necessarily mean from Mexico out here. Just means they are likely from Central America, only in gardening terms do you hear the word Mexican tossed around rather than some other PC way to describe hispanic or what have you.

I question Female Boss, "Are you sure they aren't Mexican?"

"No! They're not Mexican. They're Jewish!"

I wanted to ask her what country that made them from but decided, instead, to say a prayer for the brain cells I lost in that skirmish and call it a day.

From Bad Taste to Worse

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Seems to me that prolonged exposure to The Plastics has had some side effects on Female Boss I could have never imagined. Aside from the usual "your self-worth is defined by what you own" syndrome, it turns out that you can pick up on interests that are so bizarre that Male Boss won't even try to string together an incomprehensible sentence in attempts to criticize it. Really.. its crazy. So what is this new thing?

Well, let's see, I came in one Monday morning to see two brand new paintings hanging up in the investment property. The first I had the pleasure of being greeted by as I opened the door.. staring back at me on the wall facing the door was a nude painting of a woman. Nine times out of ten I would imagine this could be a pleasant surprise but my problem with the painting is that it wasn't very good. Odd colors, not a great rendition of a person and just a weird, lifeless pose. As fucked in the head that I am due to my exposure to intense gamma rays of dumbnity I still haven't grown that passion for necrophilia that this painting suggests it would have wanted. Feeling a bit disturbed, I did not tarry and took a few paces thru the hallway and stumbled upon the second. Over the television in the sitting room hung another nude painting. I am not sure if it is the same artist or not, I just knew that this one gave me the same sinking feeling.

When Female Boss came in she was beaming that afternoon I knew that she was going to make mention of the stupid paintings. I had to come up with something to answer her self-serving questions with. She entered the office and predictably the question came, "So, did you see the new paintings?"

Just from the sound of her voice I knew Female Boss was wearing one of those perked up looks on her face. That ear to ear grin that cries out for me to smack down to a self-loathing and pathetic stare yearning for my acceptance.. and I'll have you know that my research has shown that there's no better way to answer a potential conversation starting question with the obvious answer followed by nothing at all.. especially if you'd find that conversation about as interesting as taste testing urine samples at a hospital. Adding a dramatic effect, I pause for about three seconds before answering Female Boss' question.

My answer is simple and emotionless, "Yeah."

I can all but feel the change in the air flow of the room being sucked into her lungs begging for me to comment further. I don't. I know she is leaning in at me waiting for something more. Instead, I keep my back to her as I type away shunning her to the best of my ability. I can feel her eyes fixed on me but I do not crack. All that can be heard in the room is my keyboard clicking for a good while until she gives up and goes back to work.

As the days go by and I become accustomed to the paintings welcoming me when I come in. What's odd is that Male Boss is yet to comment at all. Female Boss had thrown out a few lines to get him to say anything but he has refused to take the bait. I had no clue this was bothering her so much until she kinda lost it. All three of us were in the office and it came outta no where.

"Why won't you tell me what you think of the paintings!?" snapped Female Boss.

I took the opportunity to get outta my seat and do some copies so I had a good view of the discussion but Male Boss ignored her. Female Boss wasn't going to let him off without a fight.

"Answer me!"

Male Boss shook his head and started laughing, "What? What you want me to say? Northe? You tell her."

"Oh, no! You can't bring him into this. Now you gotta tell me."

Male Boss just kept shaking his head and said nothing. Female Boss turned red in anger. The result of this incident weighed on her pretty heavily. Staying true to form as a wannabe Plastic, Female Boss needed outside approval to justify her existence. So apparently, later on that day, she took photos of the paintings and sent them around to her brother. Bad move. One thing about Female Boss' brother is that he is not one to be quiet about certain things. Namely when he doesn't like something he makes it quite clear. Female Boss shared with me his opinion on the, and I quote, "cheap attempt at being artsy" paintings. She read that to me that Thursday.. the next Monday was the show stopper.

I came into work to be greeted by my usual suiters, naked lady A and naked lady B, hi ladies. I went straight to my desk and right to work. Female Boss came in like 10 minutes later.

"Well? Did you see them?"

Thinking that I missed a new one, "What's that?"

Indeed, Female Boss informed me that I had missed a couple in the dining area. Female Boss promptly told me where I could gawk at them. I respectfully declined to act on the suggestion immediately.

"No, but you gotta see 'em!" she urged.

"Hmm, okay.."

Female Boss ushered me to her mini gallery in the dining room, "Well?"

They were different. Something was.. what the hell? The paintings were pierced with actual jewelry.. earrings and a belly button ring. I seriously had nothing to say. The only thing that would escape my mouth at that point would have been obscene and offensive. I buttoned up.

"Pretty cool, huh?"

So rather than actually answering her question I asked my own, "I have never seen paintings pierced with jewelry before. This is a new style?"

Female Boss started cackling it up, "No, silly! I did it!"

I remained clammed up. There's nothing I can do. I am frozen. I have visions of setting her on fire and using her as a torch to burn her pathetic attempts at exploring her "artsy" side. Thankfully, before my boiling point is reached, the soupy mass of brain in her head jumps to conclusions and saves me from really risking my employment by saying something untoward.

"I can't get enuff of that, Northe. I can't believe you think that I am an artist!"

Wait, what? How did that even happen? That giant leap bcuz I thought that her tacky alterations to an already terrible piece of artwork might have been all one original idea shat upon canvas by one colossal moron who thinks that this is somewhat resembling art? Excuse me for not realizing that two clods formed up like Voltron to create the most embarrassing thing I have ever seen hung on a wall!

Oh, and it didn't stop there. Then the phone calls went out to The Plastics. They all went something like this:

"Guess what? Northe thinks I am an artist."

So on and so forth. Think things can't get any more ridiculous? Think again. After making numerous phone calls Female Boss came up with an idea. The following Friday, and after purchasing a fifth painting, Female Boss had each one of her gals propped up around the house and displayed in new frames. They were all pierced.. some even had some glorious nipple piercings. Uh huh. Grand. Not to mention, classy. So why the display? Oh, well wouldn't you put them in brand new frames and placed strategically thru the house if you were going to feature them for an evening of wine and cheese tasting with The Plastics?

Just in case you were wondering. The following Monday I was not greeted by the house whores. As soon as Female Boss arrived at work I started asking 20 questions about the *ahem* art show. At first Female Boss said that everything went fine. Come to find out that everything going "fine" she was only talking about the wine and cheese portion of the affair. After further probing I find out that The Plastics couldn't say enuff negative things about the art and her "artistic" changes. Female Boss was so upset that she took them down and put them in the coat closet right here by the front door. Locked away to this day, I'll have you know.

Truth be told, I can't even fathom what Female Boss was thinking first of all. Maybe she thought that her take on art was going to be the next big craze? All this madness bcuz of something I said? Is she fucking nuts? This whole scenario was insane.. even for Angry Time. Not to mention what a waste of money this whole ordeal had to have been. Its all just so fucking stupid.

"That's the way the pig does."

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I start writing this particular diddy with my back to a one Demonseed. Perhaps she knows that her day to day antics aren't worth her own stories anymore and in her jealousy of the fact that I am going to write up a tale about Dunkirt, she wants a cameo appearance on Angry Time. To earn this mentionable, Demonseed has her face plunged down thru the grating at the bottom of her cage along with her talons, realizing that they are not very well suited for picking up tiny objects. She reaches ever so vigorously, making a bit of noise but definitely drawing attention to herself. I stood up to see what the hell she was doing... Oh, that's nice. Demonseed is sifting thru her shit and eating something out of it.. she isn't eating it by the clump tho, she is taking the clump from the bottom of the cage, running her beak around it and only taking in select morsels. Pleasant..

On to Dunkirt! With my last post touching on the fact that I can't stand this pig much at all anymore, this one was the first incidents to take place that started to change my opinion of him even tho it is funnier than hell and didn't happen to me. Plain and simple, he isn't the cute little runt of a piglet that used to play tag with The Professional. What makes Dunkirt such an impressive adversary is that he is incredibly cunning. The level of intelligence displayed by this mother fucker makes him one scary son of a bitch. Let's explore.

Remember, Padre? I imagine you do. There are a few stories right around the time frame of 9/07/05 - 9/15/05 there with Padre making a guest appearance if you're interested. He has been in and out of this here place from time to time over the last couple years. His last visit was during the first part of the year. He stayed about 2 weeks again, at the investment property of course, and thankfully brought the good stuff back into the office.

Now, Padre hadn't seen super-sized Dunkirt for quite some time. He was shocked at how large he had become in so short a time. From time to time he would come into the office where I work and shoot the breeze with me about the pig and how much he enjoyed saying good morning to Dunkirt before his morning walk and giving him some food. Whatever makes the guy happy, sounds good to me.

The problem came about towards the end of his stay. The scene is set. Male Boss is laying across the couch in the sitting room watching TV. Padre is forced to sit on the ottoman cuz Male Boss doesn't like to share. Lunch time is approaching and Female Boss is the first to leave to go eat. I decide to wait for her to come back from lunch and I am rewarded.

On her way out the front door, Female Boss didn't shut the front door the entire way. The curious pig that Dunkirt is, he roots around the front door and pushes the thing open. At this point in time, no one knows that Dunkirt is inside the house. Its not that he is some sort of stealth farm animal or anything, its just that the TV is on. Of all things to be watching, Male Boss is watching one of those spanish soap operas.. just so you know.

Looking back this whole scenario took less than a minute, two tops. About 2 minutes after Female Boss leaves the whole ordeal is over. Ordeal? As soon as Dunkirt gets into the house, he sets his senses on Padre. Padre, again sitting on an ottoman, is just minding his own business. Out of no where, I hear Padre yell... well lets be honest here, I hear him scream. I lift off about 4 feet from my chair, Male Boss yells and I hear the grunting and squealing of Dunkirt.

I dart into the sitting room and see Padre in complete terror, shielding his face while still seated, as if someone was gonna throw a baseball at him. Male Boss is on his feet kicking and screaming at Dunkirt to, I quote, "Get the fuck outta here!" Oh and by the way, Padre is now shirtless. That's right. Dunkirt ripped the shirt right off this poor son of a bitch's back. I have no clue what the fuck happened at his point.

Once Dunkirt is subdued, Male Boss comes back into the house.

"Padre, Padre are you okay?"

Padre is very shaken up, he asks Male Boss for some water. Male Boss grabs him some water and hands it over to him. Male Boss starts giggling a little bit trying to lighten the mood and asks Padre, "What the hell happened?"

Padre looks up at him, still shaken up, "I don't know, I don't know what I did!"

"There has to be something," says Male Boss. "I have never seen him so angry before."

Padre starts going on with his usual speech about how much he loves Dunkirt. He talks about him as a piglet, how smart he is and of course how he likes to feed him in the morning before his walk. Male Boss probes further, "Oh? I didn't know you feed him, what have you been giving him in the morning."

Padre answers, "Well along my morning walk I found a lemon tree at one of your neighbor's houses. They said I can take as many as I want. So, I grab a couple each day, one for me and then one for Dunkirt in the morning."

Male Boss interrupts Padre, "Lemons? He hates lemons!"

After some critical thinking we figure out that this entire time Dunkirt has been eating Padre's lemons each morning, he has been secretly bubbling over with incredible rage. Each morning the pig is laying down and Padre leaves it there for him to eat. As Dunkirt is wrestling his immense girth off the ground and on to his tired hooves, Padre is already long gone. Indeed, the pig has been eating the lemons, but each lemon that went down that gullet of his has turned into a time bomb. The one opportunity Dunkirt had, while actually on his feet, he reacted and attacked Padre. I imagine that he could have done much worse than ripping Padre's shirt clean off his back but maybe this was just a message, stop feeding me those fuckin' lemons! After a little while Padre had calmed down a bit, still without a shirt on mind you, and started going over everything in his mind. As he relived the nightmare over and over again he had but one question:

"I just don't understand why he would keep eating them then. Why would he do that?"

Male Boss had a simple and concise answer, "That's the way the pig does. Eat first, act later."

"This is too important!"

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Apparently before I walked in to work today Male Boss was busy hitting the bottle of Rage-a-hol. He is in no mood for anything, so I just wish him a good morrow and get to crackin' out the crap I gotta get done for the day. Not too long after, Male Boss says he's gonna go visit a client or two and earn a little face time. Female Boss walks in around the same time he is leaving. They don't say too much to each other and all is right in the world of Angry Time.

A couple hours later of nothing exciting to report, Female Boss gets on the line with a Plastic. Just then, the phones start ringing.. of course. There's no other time that they would ring other than when Female Boss is on the phone with her friend, read as: she ain't helping me. So I start doing hold management and whatever I gotta do to get these chair moisteners off the lines.

Of course in the middle of this shit storm, Male Boss starts calling. I answer it, he wants to speak with Female Boss. I put him on hold and inform Female Boss that Male Boss is on the line and get back to the other idiots on the phone.

A good minute falls off the clock and the phones aren't letting up. The next one I answer is Male Boss again.

"Where the fuck is she? What the fuck is going on?"

I tell him that I told her that he was on the line, tell him to hold on and tell Female Boss that he's waiting for her to pickup again.

As the phones are slowing down a bit, I notice that Female Boss hasn't grabbed the line, so I preempt Male Boss' inevitable phone call that will be filled with screams and profanity.

"Hey, Male Boss, she's on the line.. you want me to have her call you back?"

"No way. Put her on the fucking line, this shit can't wait."

I feel like knocking Female Boss' teeth out with the receiver, instead I tell her again, "Male Boss is on the line for you, he said he can't wait."

Female Boss isn't having it. I imagine she is in the middle of some gossip or discussing how ol' horseface (or recently gifted to me via a fellow Angry Timer, this one) from Grey's Anatomy is hot or something. The only reason she's on the show, by the fucking way, is cuz stupid ass females have such a fucked sense of what is good looking that they drive her to some sort of status in the realm of attractive. Which makes me fucking puke. Listen idiots, if you think she's hot.. no, not even.. if you think she even lies on the cusp of the outskirts of a good looking female, and you're not a girl, you're fucking retarded. Hell, even if you are a girl you are completely senseless. I want you to hit that link to her ugly mug again. Go ahead, click it and study it for 30 seconds, I'm serious. Study it. Soak in the gross and then click here.

Seriously, aside from a pair of slightly funner cheek waddles, that dude ain't half bad by comparison.. at least that mother fucker can win a bar bet or two by eating a baby whole. I mean come on, what good is that chick? She's repulsive. I'd sooner put that dress on that thing from Pan's Labyrinth and dine on some fairies or clean this frog's spitoon for a week than slap that lady across her whore mouth. Putrid, vile.. okay, enough..

I feel better now. Point is Female Boss doesn't feel like talking to Male Boss and I have to juggle these two buffoons until their brain waves collide into a supernova of inanity. Rather than puss out like and make like a slug, I give it another go.

"Hey Female Boss, he's pissed. You should probably grab the line."

"This is too important! Tell him that he can fuck himself and I'll call him after."

I go back to Male Boss and tell him not exactly as much but he gets the point. Male Boss is pissed. He calls me back not even 15 seconds later and says, "I am coming back to the office, I'm gonna kill her."

I grin and wait. What's this? The phones have died again. Sweet, time to get back to my work and.. what the fuck? The first line I catch from Female Boss' important conversation is:

"... so it lays on its egg the entire time. It doesn't even get up to eat!"

Now before we grab the torches and pitchforks I think you all need to look at this from a different angle. You see, Female Boss learned something and like any adolescent mind, she wants to let others know she too can learn. Sharing is an evolutionary step in the right direction for this young mind. Well done, Female Boss. You not only absorbed information but you passed it along.

However, the beacon of promise didn't burn too long. While Female Boss was still on the line Male Boss comes in the house screaming at her. Apparently, Female Boss passed on a job for a client due to her laziness and didn't bother asking Male Boss if he or The Professional wanted to pick up her slack. I guess the client was so offended that they didn't order anything from us since. Male Boss found out by chance when he went to visit and smoothed things over. Its worth debating tho, which is more important.. making a living and maintaining a business or talking about our avian friends?

A Brush With Death!

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

So I'm driving down the freeway the other day with the windows rolled up and the A/C humming so that my intake of stupidity is pretty minimal. This is a common concern of mine, the inhaling of fumes that people with low IQ have been scientifically proven to emit, but not really like smoke. It is my belief that smoke, smog and the like that our cappuccino skies offer only make my lungs stronger.. but taking in any amount of dumb from ppl, that god knows where they've been, that just creeps me out.

So while driving in my steel cage insulating me from the infection of idiocy around me I get to see some classic smarts at work. I am not a fast driver, I tend to coast around the speed limit or 5mph over, steady as she goes. I am passing a car that if I saw in my kitchen I would have mistaken for an egg.. then it happens.

The truck in front of me, typical mexican immigrant hauling system strapped with about 14 items too many and stacked up about 6 feet higher than a highway underpass, lets fly a plastic bag that was covering some sort of trinket. I am about 200 feet behind this guy and right along side the egg. Plastic bag takes flight and swoops over to the egg's lane. The egg slams its breaks, I kid you not. We went from neck and neck to me seeing him in my rear view about 150 feet back in 2-3 secs. The plastic bag found its target and latched on to its prey.

Now I am sure you are thinking that maybe the bag got caught on this fruit's windshield wiper or something. Nope. No. It was caught underneath the front bumper. Now ok, maybe this fuckin idiot got scared and his cat-like reflexes that scream out flight in today's gene pool laden with way too many pussies took over and made this guy fear the plastic bag as if it was a jackknifed 18 wheeler careening across the freeway, but no. The guy continues to slow and slow and slow. Before I know it cars are slowing down behind me and this guy is becoming a speck on my mirror. The egg stayed in sight for about a minute or two and then vanished as I took a slight bank to the right on the freeway.

So no, there was no logical response to this. There was no reactionary prowess to be discussed here. No mental acumen, no cautionary take, not even worthy of a gold star from a kindergarten teacher. This was just 100% retardation. The best part is the jackholes behind me are the ones that pay for this guy's irrational behavior. This is one of the reasons that traffic is so insane. You put a fair amount of stupid ppl on the road and there are gonna be plenty of problems. You put a shit ton of stupid ppl on the road you have the Los Angeles traffic. I don't need to say anymore than that.

Can O' Hot Dogs

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

This is a slight deviation from our regularly scheduled Angry Time post. Its an ode to a good friend of mine. A recording of an event that is worth its re-telling through the generations. Its something that Angry Time will eventually switch over to if I ever leave this job and run out of the typical Male and Female Boss stories. This is one of the happenings in my life that I am most proud of and its definitely an homage to one of my best friends who happened to get married this last weekend here. With all the nudging and urging I received for me to roast this guy during a speech at his wedding, I decided it better not to do during the dinner and all due to the length of the story when told properly and well.. you'll see why. His brothers and friends wanted to hear it bad but hey, why not make an indelible mark here on the ol' internet. So, for all the people at the wedding that wanted the story.. you can now read it here. Enjoy!

Let's take shit back a good 15 years to high school. The year is irrelevant and the grade escapes me.. but what doesn't is the scene. Here my friend and I stand in his kitchen, we'll call him Meilla (pronounced May-Uh). Two young lads that take down a good 5,000 calories a day are scrounging thru the kitchen pilfering whatever goods we stumble upon and turning his parents' hard earned cash into energy to fuel our minds and bodies to come up with ridiculous situations like this.

The typical meal for Meilla and I was an entire loaf of Roman Meal bread and a fist size helping from a canister of Country Crock. Sure, why not. It was cheap and did the job. Not that day, tho. That day was something special. There was a wind of promise in the air and it swept fortune down upon us. Indeed, it was the culmination of Grocery Shopping Day. With cabinets freshly stocked Meilla and I had our choice of what to take down before the armada of his 3 brothers and 1 other sister got home to steal what was rightfully ours. So plunder we did.

We ate like Spaniards. Goodies and taste treats abound. Before long, Meilla stumbled upon processed gold. A can of hot dogs. A 12 count can of hot dogs, "in water." I think the liquid soak resembled something more of a brine or a pint of hog squeezin' than it did water, but what a find nonetheless!

As Meilla opened up the can of hot dogs the stink breached the kitchen air. The all too familiar smell of over-processed hog anus sprung from the freshly opened can. The room seemed to become more humid as the bouquet soaked into our pores. Mind you, we had taken down about half of the food supply his mom, aka Mommers, had brought home for the entire week, but despite the odds being firmly stacked up against any chicanery, my natural ability to instigate didn't let me down.. and genius struck.

"Before you choke down one of those hot dogs like a stork would a mackerel, let me present to you a gentlemanly challenge. I propose to you, dear friend, for the rewarded sum of $20.. well let me be frank, I think you haven't the moxie, gumption or tenacity to take down all those hot dogs in a timed trial."

Perhaps I didn't speak half as eloquent and maybe I wasn't wearing a pair of suspenders to push forward with one thumb nor had I a long enuff mustache to twist between the thumb and index finger of my other hand when I was fifteen but I think its pretty damn close to what really happened...

Meilla squinted his eyes at me after challenging his manhood and spat, "Name your terms."

My response was simple, "Five minutes, the entire can."

Meilla leaned back against the formica counter top staring down the can of plump pre-cooked wieners soaking in man-sweat and pig urine. His stomach was already distended from the 30 minutes of gorging prior to the challenge. His eyes took a pass at me, I stood stoic, staring him right back down taking the $20 out of my wallet and putting it down on the table. His eyes went back to the wieners, back to me and back to that god damn can that seemed to mock his every breath.

Meilla took a deep breath and said, "I'll do it."

In my heart of hearts I knew he was finished. I handed him a shovel from the word go and he had already dug half of his grave with the myriad of chips and dips and crackers that pushed and stretched his stomach walls to the breaking point. He slammed both of his hands down on to the table, one on each side of his opponent. The can did not waiver, it just stood there churning the cesspool of multiple layers of fluid around like a bilge on some long abandoned houseboat.

"Well then, how are you going to take on the challenge, standing or sitting?" I asked him.

"I'm gonna stand."

"You tell me when you're ready."

Meilla took a few deep breaths. His lanky frame hovering over the can, readying himself for the battle. Seconds turned into minutes and all of a sudden the call was out.

"Okay," he said.

"Go!"

Before competitive eating was a thought in the mind of some all too bored idiot, I became witness to dining etiquette completely foreign to me. Meilla reached in with each hand plucking out one wiener per and then switched his grip on them to how one would hold haunch of mutton. They were plumper than he had anticipated but took the first two out quickly. Two more were pulled from the depths of the commode, the hot dog bouillabaisse dripped down his arms, off his elbows and on to the vinyl floors forming a slick stain challenging his footing. Two more! He forced them into his maw and with great discipline continued to chew.

With his chin slathered in drippings he had at it again, two more! This time the chewing had slowed. It was a battle of wills, I could see it in his eyes. Oh and the smell.. good lord that smell.. it started to get to him. Nuts to the olfactory center, must stay focused. His esophagus dissented next, pleading with him to cease and desist making it harder and harder for him to take down the hot dogs little by little. He had about 2 minutes and change left with 4 dogs to go. With his mouth not completely emptied he took a breath and had back at it.

The call came out, "Two minutes!"

Meilla steeled his will. Taking down the first dog and with it still not completely chewed in his mouth, Meilla broke the next dog in half and shoved them into the corners of his mouth. His gumption waned. His chewing had all but stopped.

"Do it!" I shouted at him, "Take them down! You have a minute and a half!"

He leaned over his foe trying to breathe and chew and swallow all at the same time.

"Come on!" I yelled, "Finish them! You gotta have em all down!"

Another 30 seconds fell off the clock, "One minute!"

Meilla stood there with dog giblets resting on the corners of his stuffed mouth. His saliva had broken them down to thick paste and they started to fuse with his skin. Meilla did his best to try and remain focused, he desperately tried to chew and chew. There were still two left in there. What was he to do? With no room left in his mouth, he reached back in with one hand.

"That's it!" I responded with gusto.

He broke it in two and they disappeared into the half eaten flesh within his mouth forming a soggy meatloaf that you might be served whilst dining in the 4th ring of Hell.

"Thirty seconds!"

Meilla lurched back exhausted. He reeled and reeled but my heckling.. I mean encouragement would not fail him, I was determined to get him thru this!

"Sack it up you have twenty seconds! Chew damn you, chew!!!"

His slumped posture and defeated eyes stared back at me. His mouth was unable to even move. I had to do something...

"Additional minute for half the pot! Ten bucks, You have another minute. Finish the job!"

Meilla's eyes lit up and his mouth started to work again. Chomp, chew, grind. His saliva had broken down the fatty walls of the dogs but even still he could not swallow the meat pudding filling his gullet. The gag reflex was in effect.. he kept it down tho it wanted so badly to escape. Still poised, Meilla gathered himself and took down a bit more. A little more still. Despite his best efforts, his mouth was still stuffed.

"Thirty seconds, come on!"

He cocked his head back and took a deep breath. I could see the spittle mixed with hot dog juice spurt out like a broken water gun against the sunlight that shone thru the kitchen window. His cheeks were stretched like a water balloon, the pain was immense. He was all but done for.

"Another minute awarded, $5, finish that last dog!"

Meilla struggled to clasp the can of dogs and out came the last wiener. His hand shook as violently as a crack addict reaching for his foil pipe anticipating the morning's first hit. He took a bite out of the dog, tho I do not know how. His mouth was so full that he couldn't actually close it but somehow used the pressure of his jaw lined with hot dog porridge to break away a small chunk.

"Breathe, damn it breathe!" I instructed him.

Meilla could take no more, he rested his lazy bones on one hand that leaned against the table.

"Finish the job, damn you!"

The saliva building up in his mouth began to spew forth like clear gullet milk, thick and putrid. I winced at the sight of it spilling down on to the tabletop. He kept trying to chew but he couldn't make a dent. He started to wave his hand at me as if to say I am done. No, Meilla! Failure was not an option.

"Meilla, you listen to me! Sack up and finish that shit off! You're right there! Fuckin finish it!"

I turned from heckler to motivational speaker. Meilla didn't respond to my provocation the way I would have wanted. He was losing grip of reality and the last hot dog. It started to slip with from his grip and his face was losing its color. I couldn't have that.

"Fuckin chew that shit! Chew it and take it down! Put the god damn hot dog in your mouth and be done with it. Its the last one!"

His entire body quaked with an emphatic no but Meilla raised the hot dog to his parched and cracking lips. In it went, he coughed and gagged, spittle flung from his mouth and he still couldn't chew.

"We're going on ten minutes here, man. Let's go!"

Meilla placed his hands on his hips straightening out his posture and began a slow, steady and methodical mincing of the mouthful. He halved the load to the point where his cheeks weren't puffed out like a trumpeter. Meilla saw the light at the end of the tunnel, the trial was nearing its end, he wanted to finish strong and save any last shred of dignity he had left and like any good friend I snatched victory from his grasp and told him, "Two bucks man, two bucks to finish this off, drink the damn juice!"

Meilla scorned me with his eyes and grabbed the can. He nodded at me angrily, still unable to speak and lifted the can to his lips. The lukewarm slurry hit the back of his throat and Meilla leaped for the sink. He spit out the last of the dogs in his mouth and poured the juice from the can down the drain. The towel was thrown in.. Meilla was humbly defeated.

In his defeat he was met with uncontrollable and mocking laughter for much longer than he should have.. not to mention during the ENTIRE challenge. My stomach was as tight as a drum and cramped from the heckling. And there Meilla stood, slumped over, sick of sound of my laugh sicker even still of the taste in his mouth, yet he did not reach for anything to wash the flavor out cuz he was completely up to his eyeballs in pre-digestive food.

Meilla just stood there for a good ten minutes in a daze.. the look that he gave me forever seared into my brain. Completely disgusted, with his loss and with himself in general, Meilla gathered his wits and shook his head at me. Poor, poor guy..

However, this was not the end of Meilla and his competitive eating career. He went on to out-eat just about everyone I know very handily that stepped up to the plate. From backyard hamburger barbecues to In N Out competitions Meilla has proven to be a formidable giant in the eating department and why not, he is about 6'6" now and having gone thru the rigorous training of growing up with the likes of me, he is prepared for any challenge that may come his way in the future.

To Meilla and his wife, I wish them the best, they had a beautiful wedding and it couldn't have happened to a nicer guy to find a hell of a gal. Meilla, this one's for you. Cheers, man! May you have many happy decades together and I'll see you when you get back to the States.