"That's the way the pig does."

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I start writing this particular diddy with my back to a one Demonseed. Perhaps she knows that her day to day antics aren't worth her own stories anymore and in her jealousy of the fact that I am going to write up a tale about Dunkirt, she wants a cameo appearance on Angry Time. To earn this mentionable, Demonseed has her face plunged down thru the grating at the bottom of her cage along with her talons, realizing that they are not very well suited for picking up tiny objects. She reaches ever so vigorously, making a bit of noise but definitely drawing attention to herself. I stood up to see what the hell she was doing... Oh, that's nice. Demonseed is sifting thru her shit and eating something out of it.. she isn't eating it by the clump tho, she is taking the clump from the bottom of the cage, running her beak around it and only taking in select morsels. Pleasant..

On to Dunkirt! With my last post touching on the fact that I can't stand this pig much at all anymore, this one was the first incidents to take place that started to change my opinion of him even tho it is funnier than hell and didn't happen to me. Plain and simple, he isn't the cute little runt of a piglet that used to play tag with The Professional. What makes Dunkirt such an impressive adversary is that he is incredibly cunning. The level of intelligence displayed by this mother fucker makes him one scary son of a bitch. Let's explore.

Remember, Padre? I imagine you do. There are a few stories right around the time frame of 9/07/05 - 9/15/05 there with Padre making a guest appearance if you're interested. He has been in and out of this here place from time to time over the last couple years. His last visit was during the first part of the year. He stayed about 2 weeks again, at the investment property of course, and thankfully brought the good stuff back into the office.

Now, Padre hadn't seen super-sized Dunkirt for quite some time. He was shocked at how large he had become in so short a time. From time to time he would come into the office where I work and shoot the breeze with me about the pig and how much he enjoyed saying good morning to Dunkirt before his morning walk and giving him some food. Whatever makes the guy happy, sounds good to me.

The problem came about towards the end of his stay. The scene is set. Male Boss is laying across the couch in the sitting room watching TV. Padre is forced to sit on the ottoman cuz Male Boss doesn't like to share. Lunch time is approaching and Female Boss is the first to leave to go eat. I decide to wait for her to come back from lunch and I am rewarded.

On her way out the front door, Female Boss didn't shut the front door the entire way. The curious pig that Dunkirt is, he roots around the front door and pushes the thing open. At this point in time, no one knows that Dunkirt is inside the house. Its not that he is some sort of stealth farm animal or anything, its just that the TV is on. Of all things to be watching, Male Boss is watching one of those spanish soap operas.. just so you know.

Looking back this whole scenario took less than a minute, two tops. About 2 minutes after Female Boss leaves the whole ordeal is over. Ordeal? As soon as Dunkirt gets into the house, he sets his senses on Padre. Padre, again sitting on an ottoman, is just minding his own business. Out of no where, I hear Padre yell... well lets be honest here, I hear him scream. I lift off about 4 feet from my chair, Male Boss yells and I hear the grunting and squealing of Dunkirt.

I dart into the sitting room and see Padre in complete terror, shielding his face while still seated, as if someone was gonna throw a baseball at him. Male Boss is on his feet kicking and screaming at Dunkirt to, I quote, "Get the fuck outta here!" Oh and by the way, Padre is now shirtless. That's right. Dunkirt ripped the shirt right off this poor son of a bitch's back. I have no clue what the fuck happened at his point.

Once Dunkirt is subdued, Male Boss comes back into the house.

"Padre, Padre are you okay?"

Padre is very shaken up, he asks Male Boss for some water. Male Boss grabs him some water and hands it over to him. Male Boss starts giggling a little bit trying to lighten the mood and asks Padre, "What the hell happened?"

Padre looks up at him, still shaken up, "I don't know, I don't know what I did!"

"There has to be something," says Male Boss. "I have never seen him so angry before."

Padre starts going on with his usual speech about how much he loves Dunkirt. He talks about him as a piglet, how smart he is and of course how he likes to feed him in the morning before his walk. Male Boss probes further, "Oh? I didn't know you feed him, what have you been giving him in the morning."

Padre answers, "Well along my morning walk I found a lemon tree at one of your neighbor's houses. They said I can take as many as I want. So, I grab a couple each day, one for me and then one for Dunkirt in the morning."

Male Boss interrupts Padre, "Lemons? He hates lemons!"

After some critical thinking we figure out that this entire time Dunkirt has been eating Padre's lemons each morning, he has been secretly bubbling over with incredible rage. Each morning the pig is laying down and Padre leaves it there for him to eat. As Dunkirt is wrestling his immense girth off the ground and on to his tired hooves, Padre is already long gone. Indeed, the pig has been eating the lemons, but each lemon that went down that gullet of his has turned into a time bomb. The one opportunity Dunkirt had, while actually on his feet, he reacted and attacked Padre. I imagine that he could have done much worse than ripping Padre's shirt clean off his back but maybe this was just a message, stop feeding me those fuckin' lemons! After a little while Padre had calmed down a bit, still without a shirt on mind you, and started going over everything in his mind. As he relived the nightmare over and over again he had but one question:

"I just don't understand why he would keep eating them then. Why would he do that?"

Male Boss had a simple and concise answer, "That's the way the pig does. Eat first, act later."