From Bad Taste to Worse

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Seems to me that prolonged exposure to The Plastics has had some side effects on Female Boss I could have never imagined. Aside from the usual "your self-worth is defined by what you own" syndrome, it turns out that you can pick up on interests that are so bizarre that Male Boss won't even try to string together an incomprehensible sentence in attempts to criticize it. Really.. its crazy. So what is this new thing?

Well, let's see, I came in one Monday morning to see two brand new paintings hanging up in the investment property. The first I had the pleasure of being greeted by as I opened the door.. staring back at me on the wall facing the door was a nude painting of a woman. Nine times out of ten I would imagine this could be a pleasant surprise but my problem with the painting is that it wasn't very good. Odd colors, not a great rendition of a person and just a weird, lifeless pose. As fucked in the head that I am due to my exposure to intense gamma rays of dumbnity I still haven't grown that passion for necrophilia that this painting suggests it would have wanted. Feeling a bit disturbed, I did not tarry and took a few paces thru the hallway and stumbled upon the second. Over the television in the sitting room hung another nude painting. I am not sure if it is the same artist or not, I just knew that this one gave me the same sinking feeling.

When Female Boss came in she was beaming that afternoon I knew that she was going to make mention of the stupid paintings. I had to come up with something to answer her self-serving questions with. She entered the office and predictably the question came, "So, did you see the new paintings?"

Just from the sound of her voice I knew Female Boss was wearing one of those perked up looks on her face. That ear to ear grin that cries out for me to smack down to a self-loathing and pathetic stare yearning for my acceptance.. and I'll have you know that my research has shown that there's no better way to answer a potential conversation starting question with the obvious answer followed by nothing at all.. especially if you'd find that conversation about as interesting as taste testing urine samples at a hospital. Adding a dramatic effect, I pause for about three seconds before answering Female Boss' question.

My answer is simple and emotionless, "Yeah."

I can all but feel the change in the air flow of the room being sucked into her lungs begging for me to comment further. I don't. I know she is leaning in at me waiting for something more. Instead, I keep my back to her as I type away shunning her to the best of my ability. I can feel her eyes fixed on me but I do not crack. All that can be heard in the room is my keyboard clicking for a good while until she gives up and goes back to work.

As the days go by and I become accustomed to the paintings welcoming me when I come in. What's odd is that Male Boss is yet to comment at all. Female Boss had thrown out a few lines to get him to say anything but he has refused to take the bait. I had no clue this was bothering her so much until she kinda lost it. All three of us were in the office and it came outta no where.

"Why won't you tell me what you think of the paintings!?" snapped Female Boss.

I took the opportunity to get outta my seat and do some copies so I had a good view of the discussion but Male Boss ignored her. Female Boss wasn't going to let him off without a fight.

"Answer me!"

Male Boss shook his head and started laughing, "What? What you want me to say? Northe? You tell her."

"Oh, no! You can't bring him into this. Now you gotta tell me."

Male Boss just kept shaking his head and said nothing. Female Boss turned red in anger. The result of this incident weighed on her pretty heavily. Staying true to form as a wannabe Plastic, Female Boss needed outside approval to justify her existence. So apparently, later on that day, she took photos of the paintings and sent them around to her brother. Bad move. One thing about Female Boss' brother is that he is not one to be quiet about certain things. Namely when he doesn't like something he makes it quite clear. Female Boss shared with me his opinion on the, and I quote, "cheap attempt at being artsy" paintings. She read that to me that Thursday.. the next Monday was the show stopper.

I came into work to be greeted by my usual suiters, naked lady A and naked lady B, hi ladies. I went straight to my desk and right to work. Female Boss came in like 10 minutes later.

"Well? Did you see them?"

Thinking that I missed a new one, "What's that?"

Indeed, Female Boss informed me that I had missed a couple in the dining area. Female Boss promptly told me where I could gawk at them. I respectfully declined to act on the suggestion immediately.

"No, but you gotta see 'em!" she urged.

"Hmm, okay.."

Female Boss ushered me to her mini gallery in the dining room, "Well?"

They were different. Something was.. what the hell? The paintings were pierced with actual jewelry.. earrings and a belly button ring. I seriously had nothing to say. The only thing that would escape my mouth at that point would have been obscene and offensive. I buttoned up.

"Pretty cool, huh?"

So rather than actually answering her question I asked my own, "I have never seen paintings pierced with jewelry before. This is a new style?"

Female Boss started cackling it up, "No, silly! I did it!"

I remained clammed up. There's nothing I can do. I am frozen. I have visions of setting her on fire and using her as a torch to burn her pathetic attempts at exploring her "artsy" side. Thankfully, before my boiling point is reached, the soupy mass of brain in her head jumps to conclusions and saves me from really risking my employment by saying something untoward.

"I can't get enuff of that, Northe. I can't believe you think that I am an artist!"

Wait, what? How did that even happen? That giant leap bcuz I thought that her tacky alterations to an already terrible piece of artwork might have been all one original idea shat upon canvas by one colossal moron who thinks that this is somewhat resembling art? Excuse me for not realizing that two clods formed up like Voltron to create the most embarrassing thing I have ever seen hung on a wall!

Oh, and it didn't stop there. Then the phone calls went out to The Plastics. They all went something like this:

"Guess what? Northe thinks I am an artist."

So on and so forth. Think things can't get any more ridiculous? Think again. After making numerous phone calls Female Boss came up with an idea. The following Friday, and after purchasing a fifth painting, Female Boss had each one of her gals propped up around the house and displayed in new frames. They were all pierced.. some even had some glorious nipple piercings. Uh huh. Grand. Not to mention, classy. So why the display? Oh, well wouldn't you put them in brand new frames and placed strategically thru the house if you were going to feature them for an evening of wine and cheese tasting with The Plastics?

Just in case you were wondering. The following Monday I was not greeted by the house whores. As soon as Female Boss arrived at work I started asking 20 questions about the *ahem* art show. At first Female Boss said that everything went fine. Come to find out that everything going "fine" she was only talking about the wine and cheese portion of the affair. After further probing I find out that The Plastics couldn't say enuff negative things about the art and her "artistic" changes. Female Boss was so upset that she took them down and put them in the coat closet right here by the front door. Locked away to this day, I'll have you know.

Truth be told, I can't even fathom what Female Boss was thinking first of all. Maybe she thought that her take on art was going to be the next big craze? All this madness bcuz of something I said? Is she fucking nuts? This whole scenario was insane.. even for Angry Time. Not to mention what a waste of money this whole ordeal had to have been. Its all just so fucking stupid.