Female Boss Shorts 9

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Scenario #1: The Gardener has gone back to Mehico, or wherever Jews are from (see Scenario #2), for a one month. Since Female Boss is very dependent on his services she is becoming quite stressed out. I'll take another second to remind you that the property is tiny which puts Female Boss' overwhelming feeling of distress into prespecteev.

Lemme break it down for you. Female Boss' stress amounts to this quite literally: weeding a couple flower beds and mowing the lawn.. once at the very most for each job. Now that we are in a clear understanding for DefCon 4, Female Boss takes the necessary precautions. She heads to the local hardware store and comes back equipped for her month long standoff with the yard.

Female Boss' purchases include: a new spade, bcuz according to her the other one she bought last year "doesn't work right," whatever that means.. Next, a 50 count box of 33 gallon black garbage bags.. 33 gallon.. 50 of em.. 50. A pick axe to "turn up the soil even tho 98% of the property is lawn. Grass shears, in case the lawn mower "slows her down." Lastly, a new pair of gardening gloves for, and I swear to you this is what she said, "to combat her allergies." Wow..

Scenario #2: With Turkey Day looming back at the time this tale was in the making, I can't help but be reminded of another one of Male Boss' finest moments that you will find here (First Scenario). What sparked this thought? Female Boss is rambling on and on about Thanksgiving for some reason. Somewhere along the lines of her nonsensical string of half-thoughts and burps, she starts complaining about Turkey Day of all things! Lay off the feasting of tasty bird for crying out loud! Whore.

"I don't want to go to my family's! There always ends up being a fight. Then, my brother will make jokes about my pets and that they are a part of my "zoo" and worse yet, I am the zoo keeper!"

...

"I can't take it! I can't take it! I don't want to go!"

Yeah? Well what the fuck do you want me to do? Just shut up already..

As I keep my mouth shut, Female Boss doesn't drop more gems like I had hoped for. Instead her train of thought changes, as is the way of a brain lacking that ever so vital oxygen supply. Basically she starts talking about her plans for the weekend. Involving going to her family's house.. christ. Glad you spent the last 15 minutes bitching about it only to rejoice in the fact that you are still gonna go. Female Boss switches topics yet again to dig deep and pull out some Nostradamus-like foresight.

"I think a lot of ppl are gonna be cooking for Thanksgiving this year."

No shit? Wait a second, no way! People cooking for Thanksgiving.. that's just dumb. We all go out to dinner at Bunboy like her family I am guessing?