Conquering teh Internets!

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Ever since the turn of the century Female Boss has been doing her best to keep the office up to a respectful level regarding technology. Little did she know that she was doing a piss poor job until I arrived on the scene a few years later. They didn't use that new fangled in-mail, had no clue that we could .pdf reports or even use the internet as a research tool. Only now are both of these officetime orange roughies (c'mon, Fish Game!) really starting to see the potential of this information age. Next thing you know they'll be stumbling upon this website and we'll all share a good laugh.

One day, Male Boss came home pretty excited about one of our older clients. Turns out that they took some time to show him what their website looks like and does. Let me just tell you, he was quite impressed with all the bells and whistles and also exposure to the world. This became his new mission: Build a Website!

His gumption was summed up in one sentence, "Female Boss, find out how to get us a website."

Shortly thereafter, he set up shop on the ol' couch, tore open a bag of potato chips and had himself dreams of greasy adventures. With Female Boss now on the job the fervor was steadily climbing. We're gonna turn this office into an e-office and doll out shares of stock like toilet paper! We're gonna be rich I tells ya! The energy is really upbeat, save for the snoozing man on the couch, Female Boss' questions like, "Do you think AOL knows how I can make a website?" and my slow yet satisfied hand writing down of all the absurd things happening around me.

After an hour of computer hacking, Female Boss lands herself on a do-it-yourself website that says you can make your own in minutes! The price is right and Female Boss is looking forward to, in summation from her very words, "express herself and show off her personal things" on the website. Sure, why not? This isn't about building a site for the company, its about random images, blurbs and features that have zero to do with us, our clients and our business. Everything is shaping up as well as I could expect. The question was would all that is promised really be delivered with the vigilant, slumbering giant Male Boss keeping one sharp eye on her from his couch?

Answer: Absofuckinlutely

Female Boss goes for it. She calls up the do-it-yourself website company and gives the cc digits to the employee. Before she knows it, Female Boss has a login and password and is ready to design the interweb.. but before all that she has to successfully navigate their website a second time and perform the login. To my dismay this goes by without a hitch. Female Boss starts in on the basics, URL, layout, colors.. all that crap.

All seems to be going well, then, she takes her lunch break. When she comes back, Female Boss wants to go on to the actual site from her trusty AOL browser. Uh oh, we have a problem..

"Hey Northe, what's my site name?"

"Uhh.. didn't you name it?" let's see if the nudge works.

"Yeah, but what is it?"

"Well, what did you name it?" I refuse to help this idiot.

"I want it to be called Website."

"Ok, so is that the name then?" C'mon lady, its not that hard.. connect the fucking dots here.. please..

"Hmm, what do you think? Should I call?"

"You probably have to," cuz fuckin trying ANYTHING is just plain stupid.

Without the usual hem and haw, Female Boss calls back the company. They tell her that the site name is up to her. She asks them again what it is. After a five minute conversation of explaining that it is up to that fleck of creativity blowing in the wind of her proverbial shanty town of a brain, Female Boss may have grasped it. Then, the guy on the other end of the phone tells her that she actually already named it Website.. the exact same name that she said 10 minutes ago. Wow, she might now know what her site name is. Let's check.

After she hangs up I ask her, "So what is the name of it then?"

Female Boss replies, "Oh, it was Website all along!"

Sometimes pulling the wings off a fly gives me great pleasure, "Are you sure? That's the way they said you should get to the site? I dunno.."

"Well.. well, yeah. I mean I guess."

At this point I'm waiting for her spontaneous combustion or an aneurysm.. something. Her brain has to be on complete overload. However, the seed didn't take root. :(

"Well if its not I am going to name it that right now."

Going back on the site and into the page editor she finds out everything is there the way she had originally done it and named it.. but its not over. The final design of the website was hardly business related at all. Instead of putting up a good deal of information about the company, Female Boss put up snapshots of her "art gallery" and dogs. The best part was when she used a photo provided by the web editing page.. they had a whole set of default photos you could use to spruce up your site apparently.. Female Boss chose a night time skyline picture of some random city.. ocean, bridge.. all that. I don't know my skylines so I couldn't elaborate on how far off she was regarding the whole thing, but Female Boss put a caption under the photo and put "Los Angeles at night, this is how we live."

Upon sending the site to clients, and of course, friends and family I was met with a lot of snickering and "its nice" by the typical pussy ass egg shell walkers that I would expect. I mean why be honest when you can lie and come off as nice. Fuckin idiots. Tho I did get a couple guys really laughing at it. Some guys asking if this was really our "business" website. I would just answer yes with a big grin on my face.

The most notable call back was when Female Boss' brother called and started bitching at her for calling that photo the Los Angeles skyline. Per his criticism, he told Female Boss that "everyone would think that she had no clue what she was talking about" if he kept that caption there. What I find funny is that Brother believes that is the barometer for her lack of smarts.. nothing else this blog would point to. Ahhh, I need more days like these..