Random Stupidity

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I am in the process of thinning out this mountain of post-its that are heaped up on my desk. This will be the sharing of stories, snip-its really, that aren't quite detailed enuff or lengthy enuff to make the cut to become a full fledged Angry Time feature. These are the small timers, the things that make the office tick.

Random Fact: Male Boss keeps ice cream in the refrigerator... not the freezer.

Scenario #1: One time Male Boss ate a full bag of potato chips. I am talking the huge ones.. that are like the size of a Glad bag. He went thru the entire bag of chips in about an hour.. maybe slightly more. All I know is that in the time it takes me to perform a specific task at work, he went from start to finish. Now this specific filing task generally takes me no more than an hour but no less as well. That's how I can at least give a bit of perspective on the amount of time that passed. Male Boss' comment to me after performing such a feat: "What happens when you eat so much that you can't breathe?"

Scenario #2: Whatever month it is, Female Boss' mother's birthday comes up. She is terrible about getting any of her family members gifts for their birthdays let alone even a birthday card. However, she always goes on and on about how she wishes she could change her ways. This never happens of course but this is also irrelevant. The point is she received a stupid joke in-mail. Within the in-mail is a picture attachment. The picture amuses her. Her bright idea: "I am totally gonna forward this to my mom for her birthday!"

What a thoughtful gift.

Scenario #3: I am sitting at my desk the other day and Female Boss is playing around with Pigfoot. Nothing new here. Big whoop. My head gets wrapped up in to what I'm doing and I am brought back by the voice of Female Boss calling me to get my attention.

"Look at how brave he is. See how brave Pigfoot is, Northe?"

I don't exert any effort to turn and see what she's talking about, "Why? What's he doing?"

"Oh, heh, nothing."

Ah.

Caught in the Act

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Female Boss is outside walking the "Trainer" to his car. Wow, is that guy a screw job.. but thats another story. Male Boss gets up from his favorite spot in the sitting room and starts shuffling around the office.

"What do you think.. is it snack time, Northe?"

"You're the boss."

"Yes! I say its snack time."

Male Boss heads over to the kitchen.

"You stupid son of a bitch!"

Commotion is heard from the kitchen. Then growling and barking.

"Hah! Stupid son of a bitch!" yells Male Boss.

Female Boss tends to have radar ears when anything is happening with the dogs. She storms into the house from the driveway.

"What the hell is wrong with you now!?" she asks Male Boss.

"No freaking fucking way, Female Boss. No way!"

"What!?"

Rather than answer her, Male Boss comes back into the office.

"Can I tell you Northe, can I tell you what that stupid fucking dog is doing!?" says Male Boss slowly raising his voice to a shout.

"Which dog?" I ask him.

"The One, The stupid fucking One. Fuck! He was preparing to bite from his own shit! How dare you, Female Boss! Going to eat from the shit!"

Female Boss tails him in to the office with The One in hand, "What the hell are you yelling at me for?"

"Fucking disgusting that dog, get him the fuck outta here!"

The One starts barking and growling at Male Boss.

"I think he's pretty smart. He got you to pick up his shit cuz he knows thats the only way you will," says Female Boss.

"That's the way you train him? Like a fucking idiot!? To let him eat shit! You trained him this way! You!"

"He's pretty fucking smart," she says again.

Male Boss points his finger at the dog, "How dare you stupid mother fucker!"

Female Boss lurches away from him with The One trying to bite Male Boss at this point, "Don't you dare!"

"Stupid fucker you have there! To eat the shit! If I wasn't there he would eat the shit! He's not allowed to eat that shit!"

"He's pretty smart isn't he? Got you to pick up his shit."

"You better fucking tell him. Not to eat the shit!"

"Uh huh. Pretty fucking smart."

"Your fucking trainer. Your dog!"

"Yep, pretty fuckin' smart..."

The Tale of the Important Package

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Every now again there comes a time in our lives when we order something so important, so urgent, that its very arrival haunts our dreams. We freak out over the promptness of the delivery date and time. Is it gonna make it here in time? We punish ourselves for not being more proactive. I shoulda ordered it sooner! Sometimes we get burned but sometimes the plan comes together. Yet, my friends, this is Angry Time and in the world of Angry Time nothing is ever that cut and dry.

This story happens to be a couple weeks in the making. Female Boss is planning on getting a bigtime gift for one of the Plastics for her birthday. Female Boss' relationship with the Plastics, need I remind you, is one laden with pretentious behavior and one-upping the next Plastic. Female Boss has put herself on a mission to outdo all the Plastics this time. Queue the shady man with handlebar mustache rubbing his hands together in a sinister manner.

"Okay Northe, here is a copy of the online receipt for the item. Here is a copy of the UPS tracking code. Keep this some place safe. I have a copy here at my desk and one over here on the bulletin board. I'll just pin it up over here, okay?"

"Ten-four, rubber ducky."

With such a flawless system there is nothing that can go wrong. Practically every day she reminds me of the ordeal and I amuse myself by checking the UPS website to see if it has gone off course or if any unforeseen delays have occurred. Unfortunately, "Brown" is on their shit.. zing! By the way, that's the stupidest nickname to ever give yourself. Brown.. jeezus christ..

I am happy to report that the package arrives the day of scheduled delivery, a Friday, and a comfortable 4 days before the Plastic's birthday. Female Boss is elated. She is really looking forward to giving her this gift and seeing the look on not only the Plastic celebrating the 28th anniversary of her 21st birthday but to see the looks on the faces of those that dared challenge her birthday present giving prowess. My opinion is that of indifference but I think Female Boss has chosen her gift well and perhaps a good report on the whole occasion is in tow.

The Tuesday is upon us. The tension is thick in the air. Female Boss comes in to "work" at 4pm.. roughly an hour before her usual departure time to go home.. whore.. She is completely gussied up. I imagine they are going to some place where they charge a meager $45 for a chicken cutlet stewed in gutter water and mushrooms.. But never mind that, the hour is upon us! Female Boss informs me that Plastic is on her way over and they are driving together. Male Boss is not at the Investment Property so she tells me its okay to head on home. I am happy with the turn of events as an early day is hard to come by.

I finish up what I am doing and start getting my things together when lo and behold the door bell rings. Plastic is early. Female Boss goes to answer the door. The two let out the typical girl squeal that not only affirms but acknowledges their mutual mental retardation followed by "air" kisses in the vicinity of each cheek. What I would do for a sickle and a length of bicycle chain at that point in time.

"I'm gonna go grab your gift and give it to you now. The wait has been killing me!"

*Clop, clop, clop*

Off goes Female Boss in her ever so comfortable *rolls eyes* 3.2 inch heels to her sooper sekret hiding place for the gift. I have collected all of my wares and head for the door.

"Oh hey, happy birthday Plastic," I say to the waiting Plastic.

"Thanks Northe, too bad you aren't coming out with us. Lots of single ladies to be had," winks the Plastic in a playful and somewhat sarcastic manner.

Now I don't know about you guys, but something about a Cougar just doesn't do it for me. The idiots out there are thinkin' that a Cougar with money is that much better. Well lemme tell you something, it is until you decide to call it quits. The money is a means by which to track you down or have you killed. Fuck with the women your age and leave the deranged psycho geriatrics to their own kind.. or go nuts at your own risk. That closes out the Fatherly Advice Corner of Angry Time for the month.

Before I can get out the door, Female Boss yells from down the hall, "Hey Northe, did you see the package?"

My chin hits my chest, "No, I don't know where you put it."

"Damn it, its gotta be around here somewhere."

"Yeah, I dunno. You took it when it arrived and hid it."

"I know. I just can't find it."

You have to understand this house is not that big at all. There isn't but maybe a handful of places where you can "hide" something. Even that is kind of a stretch. Who knows where Female Boss has misplaced the stupid thing but fuck if I care. I want to go home.

"Well, have a good time guys," I say loud enuff for Female Boss to hear.

"Okay Northe, see you tomorrow. We'll order a duplicate when you get in," says Female Boss as I walk out the door.

A duplicate? She's already given up the search? That's good. The final outcome is that Female Boss does not want me to place the new order the next day. Instead, she was really depressed telling me that every one went over the top for their gifts. After sulking for quite some time I heard one of her last remarks under her breath. She said, "There is just no competing with them."

To which I laughed.. under my breath, of course.

What of Dunkirt!?

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

What of him indeed! The pig for crying out loud, the pig! The in-mails come swarming in begging me to tell a tale of our pork-loined companion. Well here it is, a quick update!

Dunkirt is growing.. and fast. Some might look at his haunches and comment that he is indeed robusto! That's spanish for "lunch." He's slightly larger than the dogs but is easily three times their weight now. He knows his name and loves to run in to things with his snout. I guess butting is a playful thing pigs do. Who knew?

Just the other day The Professional was at the investment property and he was playing with ol' Dunkirt. The Professional would smack Dunkirt on his ass when he wasn't expecting it and take off. Dunkirt would not give up chase until he butted The Professional in the leg. They played this game for a good 15 minutes. It was quite amusing to see Dunkirt purposely turn his back to The Professional and pretend to not be paying attention.. tho he would indeed be looking out the corner of his eye waiting for The Professional to get close enuff to smack his rear. Dunkirt would sometimes turn and snort at him and other times would let him smack him and make chase squealing the whole time. Dunkirt is absolutely hilarious. I suppose what this boils down to is the piggy has learned the game of tag, something that probably took someone like Female Boss an entire childhood to master. If Dunkirt can learn something that I imagine is pretty complex for a pet, the potential for this little bugger is pretty nuts. Indeed, in the future Dunkirt will not disappoint.

Sorry, this post isn't very funny.. not to say that the majority of my posts are anything hilarious but I think its a necessity to catch you guys up on this here pig. He'll eat lightning and crap thunder before you know it. You'll see.

In other news, Female Boss was quite miffed over a photograph she received over in-mail the other day.

"I don't get this gun."

A good ten minutes later, if not more..

"Ohhhh. Its not a gun Northe, its a phone!"

Wow, ma'am. You're a dumb shit.

Boss Warfare 4

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Sole Scenario: Technical problems in the office. Seems like Female Boss' computer took a dump and they're gonna have to share the computer. At first, things seem to be going just fine.. and by "at first" I simply mean the realization of these two land-bound gibbons that they are going to have to work under each others' noses the whole day if they want to get anything done. From there on out, the formulaic chaos ensued.

Notable Highlights:

*Preparing to switch from Female Boss at the computer to Male Boss:

Male Boss: "Can you save your work?"
Female Boss: "Can you shut your mouth?"

*Female Boss' request to use the computer:

Female Boss: "Can I get on there and check this work file?"
Male Boss: "I don't think its going to cost you the penny."
Several minutes later, Male Boss still at the computer.
Female Boss: "Are you done yet? Let me check that work file."
Male Boss: "No problem."
Another handful of minutes drop off the clock.
Female Boss: "Okay, let me get on there!"
Male Boss: "Fuck you, I need it."

*The printer has run out of paper.

Male Boss: "Looks like it says we might have the paper jam."
Female Boss: "Hey dumb shit, you need paper in the printer to have a paper jam."
Male Boss: "Then put me some fucking paper!"
Female Boss: "Put yourself."
Male Boss slams a thick slab of paper into the printer.
Male Boss: "Okay ass, what button to press to start?"
Without listening for an answer Male Boss starts pressing buttons on the printer.
The printer chokes on the paper load.
Female Boss: "You didn't do it right!"
Scary noises come from the printer.
Male Boss: "Its too late now, you didn't want to show me help."

Turns out Female Boss' computer locked up. Since she couldn't power it down using the "Turn Off" button in Windows, her critical thinking process was at a stand still. All I had to do was lean on the power button for a few seconds to shut it down. Other solutions could have been: ripping the power cord out of the computer and shutting off the surge. These solutions will remain unsaid in this office so that there is a slight chance something like this happens in the future. Regards.

Best Dream Ever

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

The following took place during a dream told to me and recounted as accurately as possible:

"Northe, are you listening?"

"Yes," I answer without paying much attention to anything that has been said up to this point.

"So then, I appear with my friend Plastic and we're in a grocery store. The ceiling is like 40 feet high and there is a second level above us. Its like one of those old warehouses that uses the upper level for storage. Its really crudely built. Just planks of wood and metal railing. Then, this sinister feeling comes over me. I look up and I see this really mean looking guy pull his pants down and take a shit."

That's probably the precise moment when my ears perked up. I grabbed a pencil and started jotting down notes trying to recall what was said before that. That's about all I can remember.

"Isn't that good luck in a dream?" I ask, figuring that at this point my commentary can only stoke the fire more.

"I don't know, but anyway this guy takes a shit and he reaches down and starts shaping it! I can see him molding it in his hand!"

"Like clay?" I ask.

"I guess, but he was shaping it quickly. And I couldn't see it really but I knew in my mind that he was shaping the ball of shit into a fist! But a fist with the middle finger sticking up, like an 'F you' fist!"

Now I'm starting to laugh.

"Then that feeling that I got when I looked up gets worse. I know he wants to hurt Plastic but I can't do anything. I am trying to tell her to watch out but I can't, all I can do is watch this guy up there. I couldn't get my eyes off him. Then, I get a sinking feeling. I see the guy stretch back. I see that he's gonna throw it at Plastic! The thing is, when he threw it he was trying to hit her but he hit me instead!"

"That has to be good luck!" I barely get out cuz I'm laughing so hard.

"It wasn't funny! He threw the shit so hard! It hit me in the leg and it broke the skin! I started to bleed out of the wound!"

Its hard to breathe laughing as hard as I was.

"Everyone in the grocery store seemed to know what to do at this point. They brought me a bottle of peroxide so I could clean the wound and when I was doing that I could see the shit giving me the 'F you' and no one wanted to touch it. So the thing is just pointed right at me the whole time! So, the end of the dream I finally was able to look back up at the guy who threw the shit and at first it was my dad then it turned into Male Boss. But it wasn't my dad or Male Boss when the dream first started, it was some guy with glasses or something. Then, Male Boss ran away after he smiled at me. What do you think that means?"

*dead*

Semi-Amusing

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Sometimes you gotta dig for a story. I know that statement baffles the majority of my readers cuz today's media is comprised of regurgitation artists that earn healthier livings than I ever will based on someone else's work. Well sons a bitches, I'm gonna go ahead and appoint myself to status of news reporter today. I not only bring new items to the table this day, but I also have become a sleuth of sorts here at ye olde workplace!

I was going thru some of Male Boss' things.. that's right I said I became a sleuth! Perhaps in your country you might call this rummaging thru one's personal property or even invading it; however, as a member of the media I call shenanigans on your unjust claims and spit on you not once, not twice, but thrice for such a heinous accusation. All I'm doing is investigating.

So after going thru his things, I found an old cassette tape. The cassette tape was wrapped in plastic wrap.. I found that rather odd but perhaps thats how his people do it. Anyway, accompanying said cassette tape was a folded up piece of paper, roughly the same size. Turns out I stumbled upon some sort of List! The sharpest among us are able to deduce that it is indeed a list of songs on the tape. Here are a few gems that may earn a chuckle:

"Rubb A Dubb Daub" -- Why the first dub is spelled differently than the second one I know not..

"Teachdown Dance" -- Not that shocking that someone not from the U.S. doesn't know how to spell touchdown.

"Some Harts are Dimondes" -- I wonder if this was an episode name in that series Hart to Hart.

"In the Slepper Tree" -- I think these trees are now extinct due to deforestation.

"Even the Bed Times are Good" -- My mind races to too many places to pick just one comment.

"The You're the Greatest Louver" -- Yes, two "the's" and perhaps a misspelling of The Louvre.

And the one that made me laugh the most:

"Sofly Sofly" -- I don't even know why either.

The only thing I coulda asked for better than this list of hilarity would be that if he woulda hand wrote it. Then at least I coulda held another online contest! Oh well. Take 'er easy.

Foul Odors

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Just another day here at the office. Male Boss and I show up to work on time, Female Boss shows up late. Male Boss is using Female Boss' desk and computer. He has not removed himself from her seat since he got in. As of late, I have been showing up about 10-15 min before anyone else.. so since coming in, Male Boss plopped himself down at her desk and started working.

Male Boss notices Female Boss come into the office, "Oh, sorry. You have some stuff on this computer I don't have on my memory."

Whatever the hell that means appeases Female Boss and she politely asks him to get up as soon as possible so she can get to work. Male Boss stays at the desk for a handful of minutes longer and gets up. Female Boss moves in on her territory.

"What the hell is that?" I can hear her sniffing the air like a water buffalo trying to catch the fresh scent of a water plant on the wind.

"What the hell is that?" she says again. "Is that you, Male Boss?"

"I do not," replies Male Boss.

"You do not what? You do not make my chair and desk smell like shit?"

"Female Boss, I do not. Cut it out."

"Let's make a new rule, you don't sit at my desk anymore unless you've showered this week."

"Shut the fuck up! Cut it out!"

The phone rings. I have to grab it. Male Boss leaves the office, Female Boss leaves after him. The phone call is quick but I keep the phone up to my ear and feign conversation while I listen to her dig into him under her breath from the other room.

"You really stink, you're lucky Northe is too polite to say anything."

Honestly, I couldn't smell the guy but he musta done quite a number on that side of the office. Female Boss came in with a blanket and draped it over her chair. After that, Female Boss brought in a little air freshener doodad she uses in her car and spritzes the surrounding area. What the fuck does "Egyptian Cotton" smell like anyway and how the fuck would anyone know if the scent is wrong!?

So take note. Male Boss smells.