The Kryssmas Chronicles: "Pet Adoption"

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Sidebar: Okay, Angry Timers, this will be the last post for maybe another 2 weeks or so just like the last one. Reason being is that there are big things going on behind the scenes that you don't know about just yet. First thing being that the next post I make will be the 250th post on Angry Time and the second thing being a secret. Stay tuned and check every couple days cuz once its here, you're going to want to be a part of it! You may read the story now.

This story is from back in the day when I first started working here. There I was, full of hopes and dreams and really desperate for any form of income. I somehow found my way to this god forsaken place and decided to dig my trench here and, as you well know, have been taking grenades ever since. I'm hoping to dredge up a few more stories from memory that are worth mentioning. This was probably one of the first instances that I experienced here that made me see how suicide could be a viable option for some people.

Back then, Demonseed had an ally. The bird's name was.. eh, we'll call it Kryssmas. Any real deal gamer among you will appreciate that.. derived from UO and the underrated weapon, the kryss.. good ol' deadly poison. Ok, enuff of that. So, Kryssmas wasn't so much gifted to Female Boss and Male Boss as it was forced upon them and ultimately adopted. As the story goes, some friend of Female Boss' was leaving the state and couldn't take the bird. The bird needed a home and Female Boss figured that Kryssmas would make a fantastic pet. Upon close arm's length, if not across the room, inspection anyone could tell that Kryssmas wasn't going to be a normal bird let alone pointing out that taking on the little shit was no where near being seen as an intelligent decision.

Kryssmas was one of those birds that are completely neurotic. Kryssmas' neurosis lied within the realm of self-mutilation.. plucking any feather out of its body that the ol' beak could reach. The poor fuck was a terrible sight.. and probably looked even worse than that. It made the bird as unattractive as one could possibly be.. and not being a big fan of birds, in general, it made that feeling of wanting to throw paper clips at it all day long that much stronger.

Back then, Male Boss was a bit thinner in comparison to him being quite rotund now. Male Boss had a quick bonding with Kryssmas. His pet names for Kryssmas were "the crazy bird" or "the fucked up bird." Endearingly, of course.

Of all the times I wish I was smart enuff to have a camera at work to document the evidence for all to see, I regret not having one this time. I remember the scene quite well, Male Boss was on his couch in the sitting room snacking on what looked to be a two pound bag of sunflower seeds. He was in a slouched position with his ass barely hanging onto the couch. Male Boss wore a black sweater that was completely covered in sunflower shells, fragments and salt. It was absurd, having a black sweater on only made it stand out even more.

The word slob falls as short as a Wile E. Coyote bridge building kit trying to span across a canyon when trying to describe what Male Boss looked like. There he sat, completely disheveled, looking like a cross between a hobo and an ape of some sort. His hair was sticking up like he stuck his finger in a socket.. and then there was sweet, innocent Kryssmas. The reason Male Boss' hair looked like complete shit is cuz Male Boss allowed Kryssmas to literally nest in his hair. Kryssmas would hang out on Male Boss' head as Kryssmas would do his best job to tease Male Boss' hair into a desired look from the '80s.

I was able to see this up close bcuz I handed Male Boss a report for him to take a look at. Referring to his weight.. or coulda been how disgustingly dirty he made his surroundings, Male Boss looked up at me and said, "If you want to look like the bird you have to eat like the bird."

I did my best not to shiv him in the throat or make a big deal out of it cuz I didn't want him to make any moves. I wanted to sit back from my desk and observe this sloth being preened by Kryssmas. Indeed, up to this point in my life, it was one of the oddest things I had ever seen.. now trumped by a myriad of other sights I have had to be witness to here at the investment property. However, much like everything else in Angry Time, the madness didn't end there.

While keeping a close eye on Kryssmas picking thru Male Boss' lice and flea infected hair, Male Boss kept shoveling more and more sunflower seeds in his mouth. Knowing no bounds, Kryssmas decided to share in the bounty. A few hops down toward Male Boss' right hand Kryssmas plunged head first into the enormous bag of sunflower seeds and started having lunch. Kryssmas was living most any person's food fantasy.. being ankle deep in a bag of tasty goods and eating as much as you could possibly stand. What's crazier is Male Boss didn't even flinch.. this had to have been normal behavior for both of these clowns.. pretty much makes me sick much like this did.

Now that the whole scene is set I'll leave you with Male Boss' words that followed about ten minutes after Kryssmas starting his gorging.

"Oh shit. The fucking crazy bird just took the shits in the bag with the seeds!"

Less than two minutes later, without moving, Male Boss was seen shoveling more seeds into his maw. Maybe he was just reaching deeper into the bag. Its still good.

Age of Enlightenment

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I was in the middle of that fantasy I have become so fond of. I'm sure you all have the same one. You know how it goes.. you're working on that first knee cap of (insert the name of your favorite adversary here) Female Boss' and right before popping it clean off with a dull wood chisel your concentration is disturbed. This time its the horrible sound of Female Boss pleased with something she has done. I grit my teeth over the fact I didn't get to finish playing out that beautiful scene.

"This is SO cool!"

I already know its gonna be stupid. I know this bcuz she's impressed with herself without the aid of anyone else and her enthusiasm is through the roof. As long as she doesn't go on and on about it we're good..

"I can't believe it!" she exclaims.

It'll pass, Northe. Just ignore her. Get back to your happy place.

Just before I could strike the chisel with that hammer, Female Boss interrupts again.

"This is great!" she booms.

Fine! Let's get this over with..

"What's up?" I ask, secretly hoping that she found a dull wood chisel in her desk drawer.

"Get this! Did you know that you can type in Microsoft's Word while your internet loads up a website!?"

As Female Boss fawns over her discovery like a monkey swirling its finger in a puddle of diarrhea I gather my thoughts wisely. I thumb thru several ideas the multiple voices in my head put forth to me like one would a roladex. My first personality says to climb over the desk and make pencil holders out of her eye sockets. The second begging me to ask ask her if she knows how stupid she is. The third voice, and always more passive and sarcastic, wins.

"Wait. You can be on the internet with Word open and use both programs at the same time?" I ask.

"Yes! I'm so happy!"

"Wow. You must be pretty quick to be able to swap programs that efficiently."

Female Boss might as well had swooned for me. "Heh, well, its not all that hard to do. I mean really, Northe, how many people really know about this? I just can't believe it took me this long to figure out but now that I have, I feel like I am on the cutting edge," she says with a big smile on her face.

"Pretty slick," I beam a shit-faced grin back at her.

Kill me..

Boss Warfare 8

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Sole Scenario: As I touched on in the past Male Boss is smoking those good ol' really gay looking, slim cigs. I guess his smoking is really becoming a nuisance to Female Boss who is waging her own personal anti-smoking campaign. Whenever he lights up in the office she starts talking about how real office buildings have rules against that type of behavior. Male Boss, like a typical dunderhead of something resembling a man, doesn't really give a shit and decides to constantly test the bounds of Female Boss' already fragile mental condition. Empirical evidence would suggest this to be quite foolish but we have grown to expect nothing less out of this dimwitted duo.

This time Female Boss' reaction to his insolence is not found in the might of the sword but rather the use of non-violent protest and turning to the strength of the pen. Like most who protest, Female Boss finds the taste of failure to be a trough of therapeutic gruel that can only be more fulfilling by taking in larger and larger mouthfuls each time she rehashes her poorly thought out plans. Her first attempt to quell Male Boss' smoking rebellion was to get up and turn off the lights every time he lit up. Color me impressed, Male Boss can still smoke in the dark. Good thinkin' Female Boss. Why not give it another go..

The second idea Female Boss had was to hold up her pen over her head whenever Male Boss started to smoke in the office. I'm sure you can see the shock on my face when I find out that, like most out of shape desk gremlins, Female Boss can't even hold said pen over her head for more than a minute before it starts drooping down to shoulder level.. not to mention that Male Boss probably never even realized what she was doing to begin with. Realizing that this new tactic wasn't going to work, Female Boss wrote "Smoke Free Office" on a piece of paper with a Sharpie and started walking to his desk holding it in front of Male Boss' face whenever he would puff on a smoke. Male Boss responded by lighting the piece of paper on fire after the third time Female Boss encroached on his territory.

Female Boss only had one option left.. to go for the jugular. She waited like a lion stalking her prey for the precise moment to launch the offensive. Male Boss was smoking a cigarette and started to shuffle thru papers frantically on his desk.

"Lose something?" asked Female Boss who had slyly taken what Male Boss was searching for.

"I can't find this fucking papers. I know I has them right fucking here!"

Female Boss holds up the papers and asks, "Oh these?"

Male Boss gets pissed, "What the fuck are you doing? Give me them fucking now those papers!"

Female Boss, with lighter in hand, sets the papers aflame. Male Boss' face goes pale. He leaps from his desk and yelps like a stuck pig, "What the fuck are you doing!?"

Female Boss drops them into the metal trash can at her feet. The papers are now completely on fire and the unintended consequence of smoke starts to billow. Male Boss is livid.

"You fucking bitch! This is not funny!"

Before Male Boss could do anything too crazy, Female Boss starts laughing and brings out the original documents.. the others were copies. Female Boss stamps "Gotcha Again!" on Male Boss' forehead! The color returns to Male Boss' face; however, he is still pissed.

"I don't understand what the fuck your problem is," he says as he returns to his desk to continue his smoking.

"You don't get it do you?" Female Boss asks.

Male Boss doesn't care what the hell she has to say and continues doing what he had to do.

"Your problem is you have a *cough* better grip on your cigarette *cough* than you do on *cough, cough* reality," chokes Female Boss.

At this point I leave the office to grab a bite to eat and give the office some time to air out. This is probably the most realistic case of fighting fire with fire I can think of. Female Boss hates the smell of cigarette smoke in the office and ends up combating her hatred of the smoke by producing her own smoke. Could this happen anywhere else?