From Bad Taste to Worse

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Seems to me that prolonged exposure to The Plastics has had some side effects on Female Boss I could have never imagined. Aside from the usual "your self-worth is defined by what you own" syndrome, it turns out that you can pick up on interests that are so bizarre that Male Boss won't even try to string together an incomprehensible sentence in attempts to criticize it. Really.. its crazy. So what is this new thing?

Well, let's see, I came in one Monday morning to see two brand new paintings hanging up in the investment property. The first I had the pleasure of being greeted by as I opened the door.. staring back at me on the wall facing the door was a nude painting of a woman. Nine times out of ten I would imagine this could be a pleasant surprise but my problem with the painting is that it wasn't very good. Odd colors, not a great rendition of a person and just a weird, lifeless pose. As fucked in the head that I am due to my exposure to intense gamma rays of dumbnity I still haven't grown that passion for necrophilia that this painting suggests it would have wanted. Feeling a bit disturbed, I did not tarry and took a few paces thru the hallway and stumbled upon the second. Over the television in the sitting room hung another nude painting. I am not sure if it is the same artist or not, I just knew that this one gave me the same sinking feeling.

When Female Boss came in she was beaming that afternoon I knew that she was going to make mention of the stupid paintings. I had to come up with something to answer her self-serving questions with. She entered the office and predictably the question came, "So, did you see the new paintings?"

Just from the sound of her voice I knew Female Boss was wearing one of those perked up looks on her face. That ear to ear grin that cries out for me to smack down to a self-loathing and pathetic stare yearning for my acceptance.. and I'll have you know that my research has shown that there's no better way to answer a potential conversation starting question with the obvious answer followed by nothing at all.. especially if you'd find that conversation about as interesting as taste testing urine samples at a hospital. Adding a dramatic effect, I pause for about three seconds before answering Female Boss' question.

My answer is simple and emotionless, "Yeah."

I can all but feel the change in the air flow of the room being sucked into her lungs begging for me to comment further. I don't. I know she is leaning in at me waiting for something more. Instead, I keep my back to her as I type away shunning her to the best of my ability. I can feel her eyes fixed on me but I do not crack. All that can be heard in the room is my keyboard clicking for a good while until she gives up and goes back to work.

As the days go by and I become accustomed to the paintings welcoming me when I come in. What's odd is that Male Boss is yet to comment at all. Female Boss had thrown out a few lines to get him to say anything but he has refused to take the bait. I had no clue this was bothering her so much until she kinda lost it. All three of us were in the office and it came outta no where.

"Why won't you tell me what you think of the paintings!?" snapped Female Boss.

I took the opportunity to get outta my seat and do some copies so I had a good view of the discussion but Male Boss ignored her. Female Boss wasn't going to let him off without a fight.

"Answer me!"

Male Boss shook his head and started laughing, "What? What you want me to say? Northe? You tell her."

"Oh, no! You can't bring him into this. Now you gotta tell me."

Male Boss just kept shaking his head and said nothing. Female Boss turned red in anger. The result of this incident weighed on her pretty heavily. Staying true to form as a wannabe Plastic, Female Boss needed outside approval to justify her existence. So apparently, later on that day, she took photos of the paintings and sent them around to her brother. Bad move. One thing about Female Boss' brother is that he is not one to be quiet about certain things. Namely when he doesn't like something he makes it quite clear. Female Boss shared with me his opinion on the, and I quote, "cheap attempt at being artsy" paintings. She read that to me that Thursday.. the next Monday was the show stopper.

I came into work to be greeted by my usual suiters, naked lady A and naked lady B, hi ladies. I went straight to my desk and right to work. Female Boss came in like 10 minutes later.

"Well? Did you see them?"

Thinking that I missed a new one, "What's that?"

Indeed, Female Boss informed me that I had missed a couple in the dining area. Female Boss promptly told me where I could gawk at them. I respectfully declined to act on the suggestion immediately.

"No, but you gotta see 'em!" she urged.

"Hmm, okay.."

Female Boss ushered me to her mini gallery in the dining room, "Well?"

They were different. Something was.. what the hell? The paintings were pierced with actual jewelry.. earrings and a belly button ring. I seriously had nothing to say. The only thing that would escape my mouth at that point would have been obscene and offensive. I buttoned up.

"Pretty cool, huh?"

So rather than actually answering her question I asked my own, "I have never seen paintings pierced with jewelry before. This is a new style?"

Female Boss started cackling it up, "No, silly! I did it!"

I remained clammed up. There's nothing I can do. I am frozen. I have visions of setting her on fire and using her as a torch to burn her pathetic attempts at exploring her "artsy" side. Thankfully, before my boiling point is reached, the soupy mass of brain in her head jumps to conclusions and saves me from really risking my employment by saying something untoward.

"I can't get enuff of that, Northe. I can't believe you think that I am an artist!"

Wait, what? How did that even happen? That giant leap bcuz I thought that her tacky alterations to an already terrible piece of artwork might have been all one original idea shat upon canvas by one colossal moron who thinks that this is somewhat resembling art? Excuse me for not realizing that two clods formed up like Voltron to create the most embarrassing thing I have ever seen hung on a wall!

Oh, and it didn't stop there. Then the phone calls went out to The Plastics. They all went something like this:

"Guess what? Northe thinks I am an artist."

So on and so forth. Think things can't get any more ridiculous? Think again. After making numerous phone calls Female Boss came up with an idea. The following Friday, and after purchasing a fifth painting, Female Boss had each one of her gals propped up around the house and displayed in new frames. They were all pierced.. some even had some glorious nipple piercings. Uh huh. Grand. Not to mention, classy. So why the display? Oh, well wouldn't you put them in brand new frames and placed strategically thru the house if you were going to feature them for an evening of wine and cheese tasting with The Plastics?

Just in case you were wondering. The following Monday I was not greeted by the house whores. As soon as Female Boss arrived at work I started asking 20 questions about the *ahem* art show. At first Female Boss said that everything went fine. Come to find out that everything going "fine" she was only talking about the wine and cheese portion of the affair. After further probing I find out that The Plastics couldn't say enuff negative things about the art and her "artistic" changes. Female Boss was so upset that she took them down and put them in the coat closet right here by the front door. Locked away to this day, I'll have you know.

Truth be told, I can't even fathom what Female Boss was thinking first of all. Maybe she thought that her take on art was going to be the next big craze? All this madness bcuz of something I said? Is she fucking nuts? This whole scenario was insane.. even for Angry Time. Not to mention what a waste of money this whole ordeal had to have been. Its all just so fucking stupid.

"That's the way the pig does."

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I start writing this particular diddy with my back to a one Demonseed. Perhaps she knows that her day to day antics aren't worth her own stories anymore and in her jealousy of the fact that I am going to write up a tale about Dunkirt, she wants a cameo appearance on Angry Time. To earn this mentionable, Demonseed has her face plunged down thru the grating at the bottom of her cage along with her talons, realizing that they are not very well suited for picking up tiny objects. She reaches ever so vigorously, making a bit of noise but definitely drawing attention to herself. I stood up to see what the hell she was doing... Oh, that's nice. Demonseed is sifting thru her shit and eating something out of it.. she isn't eating it by the clump tho, she is taking the clump from the bottom of the cage, running her beak around it and only taking in select morsels. Pleasant..

On to Dunkirt! With my last post touching on the fact that I can't stand this pig much at all anymore, this one was the first incidents to take place that started to change my opinion of him even tho it is funnier than hell and didn't happen to me. Plain and simple, he isn't the cute little runt of a piglet that used to play tag with The Professional. What makes Dunkirt such an impressive adversary is that he is incredibly cunning. The level of intelligence displayed by this mother fucker makes him one scary son of a bitch. Let's explore.

Remember, Padre? I imagine you do. There are a few stories right around the time frame of 9/07/05 - 9/15/05 there with Padre making a guest appearance if you're interested. He has been in and out of this here place from time to time over the last couple years. His last visit was during the first part of the year. He stayed about 2 weeks again, at the investment property of course, and thankfully brought the good stuff back into the office.

Now, Padre hadn't seen super-sized Dunkirt for quite some time. He was shocked at how large he had become in so short a time. From time to time he would come into the office where I work and shoot the breeze with me about the pig and how much he enjoyed saying good morning to Dunkirt before his morning walk and giving him some food. Whatever makes the guy happy, sounds good to me.

The problem came about towards the end of his stay. The scene is set. Male Boss is laying across the couch in the sitting room watching TV. Padre is forced to sit on the ottoman cuz Male Boss doesn't like to share. Lunch time is approaching and Female Boss is the first to leave to go eat. I decide to wait for her to come back from lunch and I am rewarded.

On her way out the front door, Female Boss didn't shut the front door the entire way. The curious pig that Dunkirt is, he roots around the front door and pushes the thing open. At this point in time, no one knows that Dunkirt is inside the house. Its not that he is some sort of stealth farm animal or anything, its just that the TV is on. Of all things to be watching, Male Boss is watching one of those spanish soap operas.. just so you know.

Looking back this whole scenario took less than a minute, two tops. About 2 minutes after Female Boss leaves the whole ordeal is over. Ordeal? As soon as Dunkirt gets into the house, he sets his senses on Padre. Padre, again sitting on an ottoman, is just minding his own business. Out of no where, I hear Padre yell... well lets be honest here, I hear him scream. I lift off about 4 feet from my chair, Male Boss yells and I hear the grunting and squealing of Dunkirt.

I dart into the sitting room and see Padre in complete terror, shielding his face while still seated, as if someone was gonna throw a baseball at him. Male Boss is on his feet kicking and screaming at Dunkirt to, I quote, "Get the fuck outta here!" Oh and by the way, Padre is now shirtless. That's right. Dunkirt ripped the shirt right off this poor son of a bitch's back. I have no clue what the fuck happened at his point.

Once Dunkirt is subdued, Male Boss comes back into the house.

"Padre, Padre are you okay?"

Padre is very shaken up, he asks Male Boss for some water. Male Boss grabs him some water and hands it over to him. Male Boss starts giggling a little bit trying to lighten the mood and asks Padre, "What the hell happened?"

Padre looks up at him, still shaken up, "I don't know, I don't know what I did!"

"There has to be something," says Male Boss. "I have never seen him so angry before."

Padre starts going on with his usual speech about how much he loves Dunkirt. He talks about him as a piglet, how smart he is and of course how he likes to feed him in the morning before his walk. Male Boss probes further, "Oh? I didn't know you feed him, what have you been giving him in the morning."

Padre answers, "Well along my morning walk I found a lemon tree at one of your neighbor's houses. They said I can take as many as I want. So, I grab a couple each day, one for me and then one for Dunkirt in the morning."

Male Boss interrupts Padre, "Lemons? He hates lemons!"

After some critical thinking we figure out that this entire time Dunkirt has been eating Padre's lemons each morning, he has been secretly bubbling over with incredible rage. Each morning the pig is laying down and Padre leaves it there for him to eat. As Dunkirt is wrestling his immense girth off the ground and on to his tired hooves, Padre is already long gone. Indeed, the pig has been eating the lemons, but each lemon that went down that gullet of his has turned into a time bomb. The one opportunity Dunkirt had, while actually on his feet, he reacted and attacked Padre. I imagine that he could have done much worse than ripping Padre's shirt clean off his back but maybe this was just a message, stop feeding me those fuckin' lemons! After a little while Padre had calmed down a bit, still without a shirt on mind you, and started going over everything in his mind. As he relived the nightmare over and over again he had but one question:

"I just don't understand why he would keep eating them then. Why would he do that?"

Male Boss had a simple and concise answer, "That's the way the pig does. Eat first, act later."

"This is too important!"

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Apparently before I walked in to work today Male Boss was busy hitting the bottle of Rage-a-hol. He is in no mood for anything, so I just wish him a good morrow and get to crackin' out the crap I gotta get done for the day. Not too long after, Male Boss says he's gonna go visit a client or two and earn a little face time. Female Boss walks in around the same time he is leaving. They don't say too much to each other and all is right in the world of Angry Time.

A couple hours later of nothing exciting to report, Female Boss gets on the line with a Plastic. Just then, the phones start ringing.. of course. There's no other time that they would ring other than when Female Boss is on the phone with her friend, read as: she ain't helping me. So I start doing hold management and whatever I gotta do to get these chair moisteners off the lines.

Of course in the middle of this shit storm, Male Boss starts calling. I answer it, he wants to speak with Female Boss. I put him on hold and inform Female Boss that Male Boss is on the line and get back to the other idiots on the phone.

A good minute falls off the clock and the phones aren't letting up. The next one I answer is Male Boss again.

"Where the fuck is she? What the fuck is going on?"

I tell him that I told her that he was on the line, tell him to hold on and tell Female Boss that he's waiting for her to pickup again.

As the phones are slowing down a bit, I notice that Female Boss hasn't grabbed the line, so I preempt Male Boss' inevitable phone call that will be filled with screams and profanity.

"Hey, Male Boss, she's on the line.. you want me to have her call you back?"

"No way. Put her on the fucking line, this shit can't wait."

I feel like knocking Female Boss' teeth out with the receiver, instead I tell her again, "Male Boss is on the line for you, he said he can't wait."

Female Boss isn't having it. I imagine she is in the middle of some gossip or discussing how ol' horseface (or recently gifted to me via a fellow Angry Timer, this one) from Grey's Anatomy is hot or something. The only reason she's on the show, by the fucking way, is cuz stupid ass females have such a fucked sense of what is good looking that they drive her to some sort of status in the realm of attractive. Which makes me fucking puke. Listen idiots, if you think she's hot.. no, not even.. if you think she even lies on the cusp of the outskirts of a good looking female, and you're not a girl, you're fucking retarded. Hell, even if you are a girl you are completely senseless. I want you to hit that link to her ugly mug again. Go ahead, click it and study it for 30 seconds, I'm serious. Study it. Soak in the gross and then click here.

Seriously, aside from a pair of slightly funner cheek waddles, that dude ain't half bad by comparison.. at least that mother fucker can win a bar bet or two by eating a baby whole. I mean come on, what good is that chick? She's repulsive. I'd sooner put that dress on that thing from Pan's Labyrinth and dine on some fairies or clean this frog's spitoon for a week than slap that lady across her whore mouth. Putrid, vile.. okay, enough..

I feel better now. Point is Female Boss doesn't feel like talking to Male Boss and I have to juggle these two buffoons until their brain waves collide into a supernova of inanity. Rather than puss out like and make like a slug, I give it another go.

"Hey Female Boss, he's pissed. You should probably grab the line."

"This is too important! Tell him that he can fuck himself and I'll call him after."

I go back to Male Boss and tell him not exactly as much but he gets the point. Male Boss is pissed. He calls me back not even 15 seconds later and says, "I am coming back to the office, I'm gonna kill her."

I grin and wait. What's this? The phones have died again. Sweet, time to get back to my work and.. what the fuck? The first line I catch from Female Boss' important conversation is:

"... so it lays on its egg the entire time. It doesn't even get up to eat!"

Now before we grab the torches and pitchforks I think you all need to look at this from a different angle. You see, Female Boss learned something and like any adolescent mind, she wants to let others know she too can learn. Sharing is an evolutionary step in the right direction for this young mind. Well done, Female Boss. You not only absorbed information but you passed it along.

However, the beacon of promise didn't burn too long. While Female Boss was still on the line Male Boss comes in the house screaming at her. Apparently, Female Boss passed on a job for a client due to her laziness and didn't bother asking Male Boss if he or The Professional wanted to pick up her slack. I guess the client was so offended that they didn't order anything from us since. Male Boss found out by chance when he went to visit and smoothed things over. Its worth debating tho, which is more important.. making a living and maintaining a business or talking about our avian friends?