Those Days

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Yeah, you know the days I'm talking about. The angry days, the ruff and tumble days, the Vietnamese tiger trap ying-ying days. The ones that make you wish that when you got out of bed to be in a camp on the outskirts of medieval war. The days that all you want is some petty excuse to send a blunted axe into the skull of choice people that just happen to make your day, this day, painfully idiotic. The days where you can no longer look past the ignorance and nonsensical spasms most people on this earth describe as performing in their job. The days when Casual Friday, or for some of you asshats Beer Drinking Friday, would be the perfect day to serve up some Molotovs and watch the pretty lights. The slow, sweet drip of flesh taking on a form of magma from the faces of the, soon to be, former wastes of space in the world days. The type of day when I would usually sit back with that estranged grin on my face pitying the peons rather than wishing ill upon them. "Those days," the had enuff days, the down to throw down days, the pike to the gullet days, the bare knuckle bruiser days. Yeah, you know the days I'm talking about.

Fuck it all. The days that when you are sitting on the computer most of the day. The days when you're busting your ass to only reach a series of hours with nothing but sitting on your thumb to pass the time. The days when an hour of work gets wiped from the program you're working in when you knock the phone over. The falling phone smacks down on the keyboard, hits the perfect keys in exact order or in unison to send a rift into the stability of the machine. The days when no one seems to speak english correctly. The days when that tick of the clock should be a ticking package laid out on the front door of that client that makes life shit, this day, due to their incompetence. The screwdriver to the eye days, the bat to the shin days, the ball peen to the clavicle days, the pickaxe to the spine days. Fuck it all.

Rage in the head. The days when there isn't a fuckin thing going on but you have to work the full 8. No point in staying except for the hatred to generate and spread like a mephitic mold. The days when your time spent organizing and optimizing turns feckless due to the inability of superiors, lessers and peers to be able to adapt. The days when no one seems to get the most basic of concepts. The days when nothing but a grenade launcher could solve traffic woes. The days when a little nuclear fallout could solve that checkout nightmare at the grocery store. Rage in the head.

I love "those days." The putting everything into perspective days. The days that are so sparse and scattered that you know if they repeated more often you might well very be one of the globulous slugs that mix and mingle forming that mass of retardation we refer to, kindly as, "humanity." The days that make hanging out with friends and family that much better. The accomplishment days, the milestone days, the big payoff days. The days when you see your daughter turning into a brilliant person. The days when she has her two best games of the year during soccer playoffs, when it counts. That feeling of pride when she brings home nothing but As and Bs. The days when you can see self-pride in her eyes when she knows she's accomplished something great. Bring "those days," but bring them scarcely, cuz without "those days" I would never know how good I've got it. I love every single day.

Here's to another great New Year.

Boss Warfare

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Sidebar: No post tomorrow guys, last post of the year will be Friday. So don't in-mail me. Jerks.

In the hopes that the verbal sparring that has been happening of late between these two warriors of mental prowess, Male and Female Boss are getting a new series. Similar to that of the 'Shorts you have grown to love these will take on the same form. Enjoy.

Scenario #1: Male Boss is in a great mood. Female Boss.. not so much. Male Boss knows this and loves to prey upon her. Call it a little well-to-do ribbing. Female Boss would call it something else but thats not important.

"Hey, Female Boss you want to help me with some sandwich?"

"Oh God," she cries out. "Just stop trying to speak English, its not working."

"Why you like to give a hard time on me? I just want you to help me make a salad."

"Sandwich or salad? You don't even know what the word is you are looking for."

"Fuck it, I am going to order some pizza. Do you want?"

"I don't give a fuck what you do."

His tone turns to mocking, "Oh, you don't give a fuck? You don't give a fuck. You will give a fuck when I am licked the grease from my fingers. That's right, pizza! Northe, we are getting pizza, three of them. Lets go!"

Male Boss wins this in my book. I love it when hes happy.

Scenario #2: Female Boss is in need of some Male Boss assistance. A typical everyday scenario for you or I, turns into an atypical fiasco. Here goes:

Female Boss, "Can you help me write a proposal letter to a client to expand our workload with them?

Male Boss, "No way. No way, I think its a lunch hour and it can wait."

"I am not talking about this very moment, later on today."

"I don't know. Its a lot of work and I am not thinking of this client like you do. All the time trying to make them happy, they do very little for us."

"Which is why I want to write a proposal letter to them."

"I said it. Not now, I am not thinking of this client like you do."

"Why do I even bother? You don't even know what you are trying to say."

"Would you let me eat!"

"You are so stupid, look at what you eat. It sure isn't brain food."

"Fuck you."

For those interested, he was eating a bag of potato chips and crackers with butter. That's a pretty basic lunch for him unless he orders take out. I think she got him on that one.

Scenario #3: Female Boss is trying to claw at something that, in some circles, could be mistaken for a sense of humor. It turns out, with a sense of humor like hers, she could have been a star on shows like Small Wonder, Full House and well I really can't think of worse shows than that growing up. Oh well.

"Hey, Male Boss, what do you call a lazy slob that hates to do work?"

Sharp like a ginsu, Male Boss answers the way she phrased the question, "A lazy slob that hates to do work?"

Female Boss is miffed. She stammers. Stumbles. Then comes back at him, "What do you call him? Do you know?"

"Stop raping me. What idiot? What do you call him?"

"Male Boss."

"YYYYYYYEEEESSSSSSSSSSS!!!" cheers Male Boss. He continues, "You're very energetic and wasting my time, why don't you call your cousin to cool you down. Cuz its Feliz Navidad Time, right Northe?"

Yes, Male Boss, yes indeed.

Cause For Concern

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Well, maybe not so much a cause for concern, rather a possibility that, if it comes into fruition, could be the craziest component to enter the realm of Angry Time for as long as I can remember. Do you know my friend, Chakhtee? Well, if you're a loyal Angry Timer, you remember this post and how in the beginning of that story I touched on this festive pet of Chakhtee's, Dunkirt, the piglet. Fuckin Dunkirt, damn it, he's quite possibly one of the funnest pets I have ever played with. Basically imagine a super intelligent dog and that's how Dunkirt is, except he is puppy sized. So much fun.

Well, Chakhtee, as I have mentioned before, isn't the best with his money. His latest financial problems have caused him to quite possibly look to give up good ol' Dunkirt. To my surprise, Male Boss and Female Boss mentioned in passing that they might be willing to take him on. Nothing is certain yet, there is nothing in stone but I have good feelings that we may absorb this animal. This would add a new dynamic to the office.

For one, there would be an upgrade in intelligence. A human would no longer be the second most intelligent behind me in the office. My closest peer would be a feed pig. Oh, and for those wondering, this isn't a pot belly. This is fuckin Christmas Ham pig. Pink as can be.. its a fuckin farm pig. Picture Babe.. you know, that movie. Hmm, probably smaller than him. He's about half-shin height.

Second, it would be great to see how the dogs react with him. Jealousy, feuding and food consumption would all be highlights of Dunkirt's presence. Then, I wonder how big he will get and how quickly. I really don't know jack about pigs. Damn it, I might need a towel to catch the drool. This could be something else.

Let's just hope that Chakhtee continues to be a failure at life and Male/Female Boss really do take on Dunkirt. I am going to start talking him up to them, as well. Couldn't hurt. I'll keep you all informed.

Merry Christmas

Hey guys, I just wanted to say Merry Christmas and Happy Hannukah to everyone. You guys have made dealing with work a hell of a good time and the emails have been awesome. Keep em coming. Have a safe Holiday and I'll start up a few stories next week on Tuesday.

Puppy's Favorite Toy

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

A little while back Puppy has taken a shine to destroying magazines. She has no preference, just anything with paper she loves to shred. It brings a tear to the eye thinking that she could very well grow up to be a female version of Pigfoot. That would make for some great times ahead. Let's hope in silence.

Female Boss has been pretty pissed off after Puppy shredded up some magazines she didn't get an opportunity to read yet. My solution is what my friend did with his dog that loved paper. He waded up some sheets of paper together, used tape to keep em together and the "ball" became a great time sink for the dog. I asked her if she wanted me to do the same for Puppy. Female Boss thinks its a great idea.

So the other morning, Puppy is playing with the paper ball. She has been nonstop. I am happy and Female Boss is seemingly happy that her magazines have become virtually intact. Hey, its a lot smarter than placing the magazines a little higher off the ground or actually disciplining the animal.. yeah..

Well its a pretty quiet day at the office and the sound of Puppy playing is kinda loud. Whenever Puppy chews on the paper ball its pretty damn loud, especially when the phone isn't wringing. They have tile so it kinda echoes. Perfect conditions to set off Female Boss. I kinda felt it in my bones and sure enuff it does.

Every time Puppy gets a hold of it and starts trying to tear it up Female Boss sucks her teeth. I smile on the inside. Then she starts up with the shouting.

"Stop it!"

Stop what? Stop playing cuz it doesn't suit you right now? What are you gonna do? Oh, that's right, nothing. Puppy continues.

"Stop it!" Female Boss slams on her desk.

Puppy doesn't give a shit. She doesn't even know she is being addressed bcuz her name isn't being said and Female Boss sits face forward staring at her monitor. Useless. The best part is watching her deteriorate, be worn down by an unknowing adversary.

She begins to whine, "Stooopppp pleeeaase."

Its really pathetic that Female Boss hates confrontation that much. Puppy wins without even knowing what the hell she was doing. Female Boss never gets up, hell never does shit. Just complains and whines. I think that is the single type of person that I just can't take. If you have no gumption, no moxie, no drive then why the hell do you exist? Take charge, go on offense. Win for fuck's sake. Win!

Appointment Setting

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

We all have our lazy points. There's always something in our job that we hate doing either out of laziness, spite, repetition or just the lack of thought process it involves or the amount of time it consumes. For Female Boss and The Professional its taking the time to reply to a client request on when and where to meet a "Pickup" and take them to wherever they need to be.

I have no idea why, its just the way it is with these two. Not so much The Professional as Female Boss. The Professional hates to haggle with people on times and places. All The Professional wants is a static and concise itinerary with no variables. I don't blame him but it is kind of annoying when he calls me to do it for him. Most of the time I have to tell him to fuck himself but sometimes, when I am bored, I'll hook him up.

This particular day was a bit different. The Professional came in this morning with a lead that is requesting that Female Boss be her liaison again. Funny thing is, a job from a couple days back offered a lead to Female Boss that requested the Professional be the liaison for this lady he worked with a few months back.

I keep close record of schedules and tasks for appointments. I speak with The Professional first thing in the morning, he tells me about Female Boss' lead and I tell him she's wide open for today so its no problem. He made the appointment time for noon which gives her a little over 2 hours to be ready. He asks me if there is anything for him to do today since he's got nothing going on. I got nothing.

Then, Female Boss makes her appearance.

"So Female Boss," starts The Professional, "I wanted to ask you something."

"Wait, first, do you have any appointments today?"

"No, not any. You?"

"No, I'm open. So I landed you one for three o'clock," she says smiling.

"Well, why?" he asks her. "I mean, I have an appointment for you too this afternoon, 12 o'clock."

To make a long story short they are both pissed. Nay, irate would probably be the better word as they go back and forth on each other. The fact is both of them have jack shit to do but get mad cuz the other person set them up with an appointment on a day that they have zero going on. We aren't busy at the office. I can handle the workload in here.. go out and make some fucking money. But no, nooo. Its never that easy. That would be normal. That would require a sane workplace. No, for me, its fuckin bitch bitch bitch for no reason. Lazy ass motherfuckers. I just don't get it.

Pigfoot's Not That Bright

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I think this has to be one of the grandest displays of stupidity I have seen in years. The sad fact is that it involves Lord Pigfoot. Definitely not one to to be underestimated; however, with great regret I must say my standing with him has slipped quite a bit after this one.

In a related story that will be written on the New Year, I am feeding Pigfoot a shit ton of treats. Why is not important, like I said, it will be written later. Pigfoot is on his 5th treat. I am holding another ten or so in my hand. All of a sudden the guy stops, holds the treat in his mouth and stares at my hand.

"What the fuck are you doing? Eat," I says.

Pigfoot stares at me while drool builds up and drips off his mouth.

"Asshat, eat that and you get these."

This isn't working. Pigfoot sees many and doesn't want the one he has. Idiot. I hide the treats behind my back.

"Ok Pigfoot, eat."

Pigfoot stares, he can't see the treats anymore. His interest fades and Oh, what's this? He can taste the treat in his mouth. His attention turns back toward it.

He starts lowering himself to lie down and finish it off. In the process, he drops the treat. Now that he is on his belly all he has to do is pick up the treat and there are more to come. Hark, there is a dilemma. Pigfoot looks about, no treat in sight. When he dropped the treat it went under his body, he is lying on it and can't feel the fuckin thing.

"You fuckin idiot," I say shaking my head in disbelief.

Pigfoot's head is twitching every which direction, he doesn't want to get up but he can't see his treat. Then it starts. He stares at me and starts to growl. Jackass thinks that I took it from him! I start cracking up. He stands up, looking at me angrily.

"Wow, you fuckin clown, look beneath you!"

He doesn't he keeps looking around.

"For fuck's sake, its right there."

All the commotion has brought The One out from hibernation. He walks over briskly seeing the treat under Pigfoot, nudges him aside and wins the prize. I can't believe what I am seeing. Do you not smell it? You fuckin dumb dog. It was there the whole time. I said fuck it, walked away with treats in hand and went back to work. He doesn't deserve to eat his weight in treats if he is that dumb.

Perfect Outcome

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Every once in a while comes a time when something is exactly the way it should have ended. It is extremely rare but it can show its face once in a blue moon. The perfect conclusion. Anything from comeuppence to reward. Who can ask for more? I sure couldn't have made up a better ending for this shit myself. Check it out:

Over the weekend Female Boss had some people over at her house. She has a crazy ass house by the way, she has done well for herself.. bigtime. Anyway, the idea was for her cousin to come over and bring a friend and son, as well, for dinner. Seems alright but the thing is, Female Boss brought all the dogs home with her. That is, as you Angry Timers damn well know, a recipe for disaster.

With a fortuitous roll of the dice, disaster would not be the case. Female Boss came in Monday morning with eyes gleaming and the song of victory spewing out of every pore. Hey good for her, I am not mad, I don't wish ill on anyone.. well, that's a lie but in this instance its true.

Needless to say Female Boss is so proud of herself, "I couldn't believe that the dogs were so fond of the little boy."

This coming from the same woman that swears her dogs are saints. Its just all too recockulous to even go over. The list would be a mile long and it would only bore you guys to tears, me recanting the numerous ways I could call bullshit on her statement that comes right out the gates of her describing her victorious weekend. So let's just move on merely flagging that idiotic statement there.

"What surprised me the most is that Pigfoot didn't act mean once to him."

Hmm, mean? The other day it was protective, but now its mean. You getting my point here guys? Truth only in the face of success apparently.. cuz by then, what does the truth matter, you've won.

"Then on top of that, I let him play with Puppy and she didn't bite him either!"

Well, wouldn't that mean that she was showing her how much she loves him? That line worked before, but this time you are happy that Puppy didn't bite. You're all over the place, you whore.

"Oh and The One didn't growl. Not once. I think they knew that he was a friendly child."

Great. Happy day! What Female Boss fails to realize is that this is what most of the world's pet owners deal with on a daily basis. Well behaved dogs and sane meetings with friends and family. The concept is new to her, give her a little time and I think she'll get used to it. That is if it ever happens again.

Just then, she goes over to the trio of dogs to congratulate them. Well deserved pups, well deserved. Just as I get that urge to slink back into my work, the best possible thing happens. While petting the dogs and showing her gratitude it happens:

"Ouch! That's my finger! Ow! Puppy!"

Reality strikes. Your dogs are decent for fleeting moments at best. Ahh.. sweet, sweet satisfaction.

Incompetence With A Dash of Ignorance

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories. This isn't a story along that follows the theme of the site, its from a few weekends back that I need to vent out:

Saturday was a long ass day for me. Woke up at 7:45 to take my star soccer player to her soccer game with my brother. Great game, the winning goal scored by my star soccer player's team was done with literally a minute left on the clock. Undefeated still. Then, came the confirmation call to go to the USC/Stanford game at 7pm. My friend told me to be at his house at roughly 3pm so finding parking isn't an issue. No problemo, I tells him. I head in his direction around a quarter to 3pm and being that I was parched I pulled into the local WacArnold's to grab myself a tasty beverage.

"Powerade with no ice," I tell the local clod on the other end of the drive-thru speaker.

I pull up to the window, fork over a bill and some shiny coins.

"Can you pull up, please?" asks said clod.

"Pull up? I wanted a large Powerade."

"Yes, please."

5 minutes pass, I am on the phone with Florida's favorite son and fellow Angry Timer, RaeRae, and I start realizing that I ordered a fucking fountain drink and I am sitting in my car, like a chump, waiting for it. Let's put it into further perspective, I'm waiting in my car for some clod to dispense it from the fucking machine, that does all the work for her, into a cup. Why am I waiting?

"Fuck this," I tells RaeRae, "Hold on, time to raise some hell."

I enter the domain of WacArnold's and see three women dishing up fries, cokes and two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions all of which happen to be served on a sesame seed bun encased in recycled camel spittle that has been dehydrated to resemble a cardboard-like polymer.

"Hey!" I shout letting them know that Northe is serious business.

"I'm waiting on a large Powerade."

Clod looks at me, hands me a large cup, points and says, "Fill over there."

Knowing that my rage to alcohol ratio is deathly low, I can make no savagely placed crane beaks about the clod's body. My friend is awaiting my arrival at his house so we can jet to the game. I take the high road, fill up my cup with the tasty blue liquid and leave. My friend calls me up asking me where I am, I release the steam pent up and paint the interior of the establishment in my mind with the body parts of said clod. I feel better, arrive at his house and we head for the USC campus.

All was right for the most part, parking was found in 5 minutes, we had sushi at the student cafeteria prepared by an asian woman that had what I presume to be a name tag that read, "Fight On!" So being the prick that I am, decided to address her as Fight On! whenever we were in need of additional raw fish on our plates. After a satisfying meal we went downstairs to the on-campus underground dive bar. It was packed so I tell my friend, "Fuck this man, let's go to the sto'."

For those that have no clue, "the sto'" is ebonics for the liquor store. Being that we were in the heart of the hood it seemed not only hip but appropriate with bonus points for context. We walked almost a mile to the nearest liquor store and stocked up, trekked back to the Coliseum and pounded them down. We find our seats and get to enjoying the football game. Then, in attempts to kill my buzz, two hispanic girls bent on tequila and a husband/wife duo with their 4 year old son two rows behind where my friend and I sat swallowed their time-release, and FDA approved, Idiocy Pills.

Sidebar: If you don't know, at sporting events there are season pass deals that ensure people the same seats, every game, for however many years they have been season pass holders. Most of the people that have season passes have known the people that sit around their immediate area for years. So, in scenarios like this, its hard to gank seats. Which is exactly what these two girls were trying to do.

Fucko, the husband, decides to be the first to break the ice, "Are those your seats?"

The girls ignore him and he asks about three more times. Fucko's wife decides to chime in, "Excuse me ladies, are those your seats? I don't think they are."

This goes on for a few minutes where the girls refuse to show their tickets and the interrogation degenerates into off the cuff insults which were all just pathetic at best. Said insults were peppered with vulgar expletives to make their shouting seem witty and innovative.. maybe even to add a sting. Sorry guys, failure is failure even when you're drunk. Then, before I know it, the ignorance bomb is dropped.

"They're just assholes bcuz they are white," says one of the girls.

Alright, let's take a look at shit here and I'll give you my perspective before we go on. The girls obviously don't belong in the seats; however, my deal is that if no one is sitting there anyway, why not let them sit there? When the seat holders come, you kick the girls out. Its not rocket science. Them being in those seats isn't hurting anyone. On the other hand, the girls are the ones that are breaking the rules and are sitting where they shouldn't be, leaving themselves open for criticism and correction. Yet in their infinite void of wisdom, the only reason they are being chastised is bcuz they are hispanic and the people behind them are white. Have I told you how much I love humanity? Have I told you how much I love how people exonerate themselves for bad behavior by making themselves victims? Have I expressed these common urges I get to shove ice picks into the aural cavities of most everyone?

You do something stupid, you reap the consequences and regardless of the fact that people may have sinister motives when calling you out does not justify your bad behavior. Pointing at bad behavior to excuse other bad behavior is the way the world works now and it sickens me more and more. Do the right thing and you keep yourself out of a lot of bullshit. I learned this a few years late in my life but at least I fuckin learned it.

The conclusion is nothing, my buddy told everyone to shut the hell up and cool down. Eventually an usher came, checked the tickets of the girls and told them to shove off. My criticism to the Whitey's is that they could have avoided confrontation with the girls, rather than expose their 4 year old son to baboonish behavior, called an usher over from the get and handled it that way. This is a bitch's way out but hey, the problem is nipped in the bud. Again, my stance on the situation: Let the girls stay there since no one is being adversely affected by what is happening and enjoy the frikkin football game. I hate humanity and its a Monday on top of that.. gonna be a long week. Angry times.

Awkward Times

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Male Boss purchased a new display case for a couple pieces of art (fag ass figurines). He purchased these a while back but never got around to showing the world how homosexual he really is by putting them in a lighted display case with a satin backdrop. For those wondering, red satin.. what else? Its all really uncomfortable, the good part is that they are putting the display case in the dining room area where I never am since its on the other side of the house.

In order to accomplish this task, Male Boss hired a delivery man and installer to get it moved into position and to hook up all the electrical wiring. No sweat. However, Male Boss is going to a lunch meeting with a big Client of ours and Female Boss will be in the office. As fate would have it, predictably if I may be so bold, the potentially 20 min job of moving in a piece of furniture and hooking up some electrical wires turns into a fiasco.

Delivery Man comes to the place around a quarter to two. I just got back in the office from my late lunch and Delivery Man trails me in a few minutes later. Female Boss is busy picking up shit with her pooper scooper out back. As soon as Delivery Man gets in the joint to move any obstructions and lay down some mangy ass quilted runway carpet, the dogs and Demonseed spark it up. Party time.

Delivery Man can't hear his own thoughts let alone hear anything Female Boss is trying to instruct him on what to do. This usually gives me the opportunity to laugh nice and loud without being heard. I do. Time passes and the shelling starts to die down. The only casualties are Female Boss' frail pride and Delivery Man's anvil bone in his inner ear. Not too shabby.

So the guy sets his shit up and starts to head for the door. Female Boss decides its a good time to get to know this individual that she will likely never see again in her life for the following reasons A) he'll never want to be back in this house and B) for there is no more money to make here. Pick your poison, the outcome is the same but Female Boss is a persistent one.

"So yeah, this is Pigfoot and his girlfriend Puppy," she says making no reference to the dogs that she is talking about.

Delivery Man obviously had no clue what she was talking about not only bcuz he doesn't know she's talking about the dogs but also bcuz he's busy finishing up his job, "Excuse me?"

"The dogs. Those two right there," she points. "Pigfoot and Puppy."

"Oh, nice. They are quite the barkers."

"They are just very protective," she smiles.

Delivery Man kinda shrugs her off and puts some twine around the roll of runway he layed out.

That's when Female Boss pulls out her Trump card for making everyday situations awkward, annoying and just odd, "You're acting as if you want to get out of here."

The guy kinda stops in his tracks, looks up at her and has no words to offer. I would imagine he was raised in the school of If you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all. Poor guy.

"Okay that will do it," he says.

"Do you want some water, a banana?"

"No thanks, I have another appointment to go to."

"Oh I see, thanks for stopping by. Don't forget to say goodbye to Puppy and Pigfoot."

He doesn't. He leaves. Rightly so. What the fuck? I dunno, maybe I am harsh. Maybe Female Boss is just trying to be friendly. That, or I could understand if she was fucking with the guy, like after he leaves she turns to me and starts laughing like, "Ha ha I really made him feel awkward." I just think that when a guy isn't chatting it up to begin with you don't force him into conversation. You let him leave and go finish up his fuckin day. The reason she is trying to impress him or whatever word you wanna choose is cuz she is trying to recoup from how pathetic the behavior of the animals are whenever anyone comes in. Lady, ya can't. Just leave the guy alone. Oh and offering him a banana too, that just made her look fuckin crazy in my opinion. Reason being, the bananas are brown.. dark brown.. all over. I really hope he saw them. Great idea, idiot.

Female Boss Mutterings 4

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Another series of good time quotes. Its funny cuz sometimes it takes a while for enuff worthy ones to surface and I get to go back and read these and I do a double take. Shock value everytime, she never ceases to amaze me. The best part is I think she has been down on herself lately. Get a load of all the negative comments she has made about herself in this particular entry.

The first quote she says with extreme overt sarcasm in her voice, "Yeaaahhh, I'm really stupid."

"People that dress nice don't like exercise."

"Whatever I'm doing, I'm not doing it very well." - Related Articles: see Angry Time

"I just love these shoes, they are good fire safety shoes." - WHAT THE FUCK!?

"Mentally I'm just not fast enuff. Never have been." - /grin

Close it out with one of my favorite quotes of all time now:

"I couldn't be that stupid.."

Voice raises to a high pitch:

"Well, I guess I could."

What!?

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

You want my fuckin Angry Time entry for today? You fuckin people in-mailing me about getting a post up. You want it, you got it!

My fuckin day has consisted of so much hectic crap its insane. First off, Female Boss and Male Boss start the day off at noon, cuz we all know thats when the work day starts, with yelling at each other over irrelevant bullshit. Screaming shit. This makes me feel great. Let me tell you, it gets way fucking out of hand. Then you have Demonseed start screeching in the background challenging them all to the duel of fates that they simply cannot win. Demonseed starts piercing and rupturing the ear drums of both of them and they finally shut the hell up.

No, that's not it. Thats just the start. From there we have Male Boss getting on the computer and every 2 minutes asking me how to do something. The same fucking programs day in and day out for who knows how long and he still doesn't get it. They're pretty much accounting, tracking and database programs. I mean its not rocket science, we aren't coding.. we are opening, modifying and closing files. Its fucking basic. This is why I would rather just take the work load. I gag at the sight of incompetence. It makes me lick my chops in anticipation of cannibalization. Fuck everyone.

So after that fuckin episode, I get to listen to The One whine, cry, yelp and whimper for 2.5 yes, two and a half fucking hours! Never quitting, never getting any weaker, same fuckin tone and fervor as the very first yell. Why is the little bitch crying? Cuz Female Boss decided that it would be a good day to go to the spa. Sure why not? We only have two deadlines to meet today! Deadlines that I have no authority in completing. But go, its in the company's best interest. It might as well be Europe in here. Issue her her government check to maintain her lifestyle and not do jack shit. You fucking socialists.

Then, at the end of the day, Male Boss comes back in. This is the last hour and change. I started a tally. The question he was asking is not important, its worthless and will make no sense to you folks. The fact of the matter is that in the course of just over an hour he asked me the same question 11 times. Eleven fuckin times, double checking the answer.. trying to imprint the 5 word phrase that is the answer in his head.. trying to translate it backwards and into Russian for all I fuckin know. I have no fucking clue but if you can't retain information maybe thinking and doing aren't your strong points. Maybe lounging, eating and smiling are more your speed you fucking asshat!

So that's my fuckin day. That's why I didn't post yet. I haven't had the time! I have been seeing red and can't focus on trying to get you good people quality shit. So here's some impromptu ranting, real deal, uncut, not proof read. Its just hatred from the fuckin mind. Eat it and love it.

Bitchy Bitch

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

We all have that helpless feeling from time to time. You know it, when you want assistance or you're just plain needy. Maybe when you're sick. There was nothing better than when you were a kid, mom would come in and hook you up with some hot soup or whatever. It was just the good shit. When you needed something and it was done, it was that much sweeter.

Now we're all older and maybe its nice when you have some shit around the house that needs doing and a friend helps you with it. Anything, at all. Even when someone looks out and picks you up a meal from Taco Bell. Its the good shit, compassion, the hook up.

I realize this is a stretch when it comes to the typical but its the hill Male Boss decided to die on this day. Me? I'd have chosen another hill to die on when exhibiting the utmost of baby, helpless behavior. I think it was his tone and whining that really made the nails rake the chalk board. It went something like this:

Its nearing the end of the day, a Friday, Male Boss is getting ready to go out clubbing. Need I reiterate Male Boss' age? Sorry bitch, scroll up! Go read The Primer at the top of the page. You aren't listening. Yeah, he doesn't need to be going to a club at his age. Its just not right.

Back on track, Male Boss' friend is gonna be there at about 7pm to pick him up for dinner. Male Boss is using him as his designated driver. Sounds like its gonna be a good night.

"Female Boss, would you mind helping me?" Male Boss comes in with already that whining voice.

"What!?" says Female Boss pissed off.

"I went outside and the car is still in the street, can you bring it on the driveway for me?"

Already irate from who knows what, "Fuck you. I'm not doing anything for you!"

"Yes you could."

"You have the fucking keys, go outside and do it your fucking self!"

Sidebar: Have I mentioned that my vocabulary has shot to the high school cursing level bigtime since starting to work here?

"Come on, please. I am in need of the help."

"You don't need my fucking help, you need to stop being a lazy piece of shit."

"Come on.. I have to make two maneuvers to get the car into the driveway! I don't want to,"

Easy there Bitchy Bitch, my ears could have bled with the screechy complaining coming from Male Boss at this point. Can I just tell you we are in a residential neighborhood that is 99% traffic free on the street. The driveway is all of 10 feet. There is ample room on the street to make a 2-point turn to turn the car around if not even just back the shit up into it. Something about a lazy guy, especially when its something gay like that, especially when you are getting ready to go out and charge on a Friday night to a club! Don't start the baby bullshit then, do it on a Monday when I can empathize. Fruitcake.

High Class All The Way

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

There's something to be said about Male and Female Boss. They are rich, period. I mean we work out of an investment property. Not an office that is leased, a fucking house that is only one mark of their wealth. I have no problem with it, they are successful, no big deal. This post is riding the wake of this here post just showing that even with nice furniture and all, they can deface it and buy some more. They drive decent cars. They do enjoy eating out and shopping. They have two plasma TVs in here as well. There does become a point tho, when having money or acting high class does become a bit absurd.

This morning I am listening to Male Boss complaining about something. I tune in to their direction. Its a typical scuffle about who should see what appointments today and what client is or isn't calling. Then the hub bub turns toward a direction that I didn't even know happened.

There was a pause of silence and Male Boss asks, "What the hell is that?"

Sidebar: Remember I can't see them from the office, the kitchen is two rooms down. Good thing the tile helps bounce the sound so I can hear them better.

"What?" asks Female Boss defensively.

"You don't needs to have them that water."

"They're going to haaave (stressing his bad English) the water that I give them."

"That is fucking, no way, you cannot do this things. No bottled water for dogs!"

"I am not going to give the dogs tap water!"

"Fucking crazy, you. You cannot do that. These are like $2 a bottle, wasted it on the dogs?"

"You think its fine? Then you drink the tap water!"

"They're fucking dogs!"

I agree. She is nuts with that. I mean.. I dunno. It goes without explanation that that is extreme behavior. So Male Boss, in his demonstration of butchering the English language definitely wins this round.

Life Lessons

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I know I come off as an asshole here. Like my shit doesn't stink. Like I am some braniac guru on life. Like I make no mistakes and can very well be perfect. Now this may not necessarily be true, you have to understand that on a daily basis I compare myself to those that surround me. More often than not, the comparison is myself vs. Male Boss or Female Boss. So you can at least appreciate my arrogance.

Seriously tho, I have made a lot of mistakes in life. Some that some know, some that most don't know and none that I will be sharing with the likes of strangers. Eat it. However, this doesn't stop me from observing and criticizing for the sake of you, my beloved Angry Timers. One thing that I will say about the mistakes I have made in my life, is that I have learned from them. Meaning, I will next to never make the same mistake twice. I make it a point to learn, correct and adapt.

This is not the way of Female Boss. The As Seen On TV post is one in a long line of purchases Female Boss has made over the television. That particular story just happened to rise above the fray and hit the bigtime. As you can imagine, there are a dozen or so items purchased that were opened, used once and never used again. Some even Female Boss attempted to pawn off on to me. There is nothing learned in these purchases, impulse buying happens to be a trait of Female Boss and that only adds to blog content.

The last purchase she made was a $20, 28 in. diameter, "professional grade" wok. Now if you know anything about woks, you know that a professional grade wok is no where near the realm of costing two-digits of American Dolla. Especially one of this size. Hell, I'm sure with a bit of investigation you can probably find 12 in. woks costing over $100.

Its not the action but the justification that I always find amusing. One can justify any course of action if you're willing to do it. Hers went something like this:

"Hey, Northe?"

"Yo."

"I like non-stick cooking ware, do you?"

"Uhh, sure. As opposed to the kind you have to use a lot of fat to make sure things don't stick when you cook?"

"Yeah. I mean, its just practical."

"Uh huh."

"I mean, I saw this great buy over the weekend on TV."

"What'd you get?"

"A professional wok. I think I want to start cooking more Chinese food."

More Chinese food? How about any Chinese food? Better yet, how about cooking. Better yet even still, how about grocery shopping? Male Boss and Female Boss are the take out kings and queens of the country, hands down. However, she wants to start doing more Chinese cooking.

"That sounds good," I tell her.

"Yeah. I mean the value on this thing has to be incredible, 20 bucks!"

"For a wok?"

"I know what you're thinking but its top notch, the best quality out there is what the guy was saying."

What "the guy" was saying? Yeah, I know some guys that would convince you that "A History of Violence" is a good movie too.. even tho they were too weak to challenge me on it. Who listens to the infomercial jackasses anyway? They have the energy of hobos on PCP with grins plastered on their faces like fat kids eyeing a three-tiered cake and deliver their lines worse than Steven Segal. You have to be drunk, bored or having thoughts of suicide to give these things the time of day. Or maybe you have too much money, I dunno.

"They were selling dozens by the second! The counter just kept going down and down and down on the number they had left."

For all we know, these could be fancy tricks of the silver screen. Like I said, you trust these fuckin people you got problems. Justification tho, quite possibly the most powerful tool created by man.

"Sometimes you have to bite the bullet ya know?"

Biting the bullet? Doesn't the damn thing cost only $20? Isn't that why its such a great value? Actually hold up, if she's including shipping then she might have a point, cuz that usually costs three times what the item you're purchasing does. The thing I find funny is that she shares information to me that she very well doesn't have to, then does her best to dance around her obvious regret about the purchase and make her case to me that it was in sound judgment. Like I give a shit. Learn from your past mistakes and you won't ever have to crawl out of a hole that no one cares you are in to begin with.

Happy fuckin Friday!

IMing Revisited

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

With all the e-mailing (in-mailing), slacking, shopping and now IMing Female Boss has been doing to keep herself from work that needs to be done she has started to plateau. There's only so much certain people can absorb in every subject in life. Like me, for instance, won't absorb and don't care to absorb anything having to do with baking. Yeah, I don't know. Its pretty fucking interesting that of every subject that I can access in my head that is the one I am least interested in. I'd be more interested in soil samples than baking. Eating baked goods, on the other hand, is a different story.

That's not important and most everything I say isn't but stop dissenting against me and just fuckin read on! So with the magic of ICQ she has now discovered that she can hold multiple conversations at once. Even greater the revelation is that these conversations can be chat boxed. If you aren't familiar with ICQ its basically like every basic chat program but you can default it to only show messages received, to which you can open read, close and respond making the dialogue box disappear. Unlike how a lot of real-time chat programs are now, the open box and when you close it you lose all chat info.

Sigh, tangents, tangents, tangents. I hear her freak out all of a sudden.

"What happened?" I ask.

Female Boss repeats frantically, "How come I have two? How come I have two?"

I glance over at her screen that she has completely pushed herself away from in shock. Nothing looks amiss.

"What is it?" I ask again.

"Two of them, how come I have two?"

"Two what?" Fuck! Articulate you idiot!

All of a sudden she starts laughing.

"What a fun way to spell 'tomorrow' hahaha!"

Focus you asshat, "What happened? Whats the problem?"

"I don't know somehow I have two chats going at once, what does that mean and how do I know who I am talking to?"

That blank look drips over my face. I take in a deep breath and use my indoor voice, "The name on the top of the chat bar is who you are talking to, you can access each by clicking on the chat that you wish to communicate with."

"Wait, so how do I know I am typing it in the right chat?"

"You you can access each by clicking on the chat that you wish to communicate with." Parroting, it works.

"Well, wait look tho. She spelled tomorrow with an 'oe' at the end, pretty cool, right?"

Why do I even bother? Why? The light is long gone, there is no brain activity going on in there. Anything I say is thrown into a void that acts as a vacuum, consumes the information and vaporizes it into the ether. Its worthless, pointless and worst of all frustrating.

I go down to her level, second grade speak and answer back, "A riot."

Then turn back to my computer. Life is bliss..

Awareness

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

If there's one thing martial arts teaches you, its awareness. Its knowing what your surroundings are, possible threats and if your inherent awareness isn't up to par use your fuckin eyes to confirm perception! I can't even waste your time with lead up material without losing my fuckin temper anymore. Damn it all!

I'm finishing up a phone call and one of the other phone lines starts to ring. Its on its third ring by the time I hang up. Good thing Female Boss is sitting next to me on top of it. Not really. Instead, I am going to have to pick it up, she must be avoiding someone or, like Ralph Wiggum, trying to figure out "where the world goes when the drapes are closed at night." God, I love The Simpsons. I also love being a Line Pirate. In fact, I think I even pirated the term Line Pirate from someone else. Awesome!

So since she's not going to lift a finger in the office today, I answer the phone.

"Yello," I says.

Then, as I am speaking to the clod on the other end of the phone I hear Female Boss asking questions.

"What? What? Northe? Are you talking to me?"

Stupid fuckin idiot. She's not even looking at me and no she's not trying to be funny. At all. She's dead ass serious.

"Thanks for calling. Bye."

I hang up the phone and look at her.

"Oh God, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were on the phone."

How? How do you not seek answers? How do you sit there like a slug, barking out shit when you cannot even get a grasp on your personal 5' radius!? What in the fuck is the problem here? Do you not hear the phone ringing, do you not see the light on the phone in front of your fucking face lighting up and displaying the caller ID on the 1x4 inch display screen? What in the fuck is going on in your head!? Anything? Anything at all? FUCK!

Ongoing Gollum Theme

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I came in this morning, to my surprise, Female Boss is there before me and actually hard at work. I say good morning to her and take a seat at my desk. If this sets the tone for the day then I'll be in good shape. Maybe I'll get a lot accomplished and maybe, just maybe, have what most of you would consider a normal day. No sooner than that thought finished passing through my head does Female Boss come with her patented material.

"Hey, Northe?" she asks.

"Yeah."

"Do you find it obnoxious or is it just me?"

"What's that?" I ask.

"I dunno."

Queue the awkward silence. That sinking feeling in my gut starts up and tells me today is no different than any other, just that Female Boss got into work earlier than you. To my surprise, the work day is going fairly well aside from the irrelevant conversation had that morning. It didn't turn out terrible, more like something that everyone can laugh at:

Female Boss goes to get Puppy from her whining state outside. She holds her in her arms and says, "Hi precious. Precious, precious."

Then it goes to a level I would have never expected. She starts immitating Gollum from Lord of the Rings.

"Myyy Preciooouusssssss."

She keeps repeating it. It was actually kinda funny. For once, a little humor without having to laugh at her mockingly. Well done. Sigh, what is she doing? Oh, great.

Since I found it funny, then surely, everyone should know how funny she is! Why must people seek acceptance from people that care less? Anyhoo, Female Boss picks up the cordless and starts dialing away. She's not even setting up the scene appropriately. She just starts saying "My precious," and only half the time tells them that she is caressing Puppy while saying it. Most of her friends don't know why its a) funny or b) what movie it is from. Come to find out, neither does Female Boss. What ended up flooring me in laughter was the question she asked one of her friends:

"Myyy Preciooouusssssss. Hahah yeah, didn't a muppet say that?"

Hahaha. Oh, man.

Dog Shorts 2

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Scenario #1: Over the summer we had a flea problem. Not so much a problem as it was an infestation. I can recall a dozen times picking up the dogs and seeing the little buggers hop right off the dogs. It was nuts. I'd never seen anything like it in my life. Thank goodness the exterminator came but not before Female Boss demonstrated her quality.

This was before the magnitude of the problem was clear to us. The One had been biting and scratching pretty frequently. Female Boss really detested that behavior, I think it was more of a denial reflex by the way she reacted to it.

"Stop it! What the hell are you biting for?"

It continues.

"You better quit it!"

He bites again.

"That's it, you're going outside!"

Punishing The One for that!? Scratching an itch = bad. Crying like a bitch as soon as Female Boss is out of sight = good. I give up.

Scenario #2: Do you know my friend, Chakhtee? He came into the office the other day. The One was surveying the office from his usual territory, the bosom of Female Boss. Chakhtee says hi to me and goes over to say hello to Female Boss and The One. The One, and I quote from before, "is particularly attached to Female Boss. By attached I mean anchored with incorruptible fanaticism."

Using the adjective defensive in front of the judge would likely result in my incarceration for perjury. As soon as Chakhtee gets within a few feet he starts up with the growling. He sounds like a rusty chainsaw and his bite would probably cut about as cleanly as one. Chakhtee takes a step back, "Whoaa.."

"Oh, no," begins Female Boss, bathing The One in the light of innocence. "He's growling but I think he's playing."

Chakhtee, as smart in this scenario as he is repugnant, replies, "I don't think I'll take any chances."

Never trust a lunatic. Under any circumstances. Wise move, Chakhtee, wise move.

Scenario #3: I think I saw one of the most disgusting things I have seen in quite some time here at the investment property. I went outside to go play with the dogs the other day and over by the entrance door to the house, from the backyard, are three metal toolboxes. I think they belong to Chakhtee.. hell what do I know?

When I went outside to play with the dogs, I turn and focus in on these toolboxes. I am pretty sure I have never seen them accessed or even moved the whole time I have worked here. I took a closer look and see that they are covered in rust a few centimeters thick. The thing is that it isn't just rust from the elements. Well, unless you consider gallons and gallons of canine urine as elements.

I mean I was pretty impressed, three dogs have gone to work on these toolboxes and pretty soon they will be skeletal outlines of what they once were. There a problem? Yeah, I said three dogs. I know Puppy is a girl. Uh huh, Puppy doesn't pee like a female dog, she pees like a male dog. Leg lift and everything. So like I said, three dogs.

Where Does One Pick Up This Behavior?

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Since last month I have been witness to some disturbing behavior by Male Boss. The reason why it bothers me so much is bcuz I have never seen anyone do this before. Its just completely out of the realm of normality and its starting to get under my skin. Pinching off a little toe cheese and smelling it, you ask? No. Picking his nose and flicking it against a wall? No. Something far less disgusting yet just as galling.

Male Boss has furnished the investment property pretty nicely. Most of it is high class stuff. So then why has he lately, been writing stuff on the walls and on the wooden furniture? Yes, seriously. What one might call defacing or graffiti is slowly becoming Male Boss' method of note taking. Phone numbers for take out dining, fax numbers, appointment dates with times and even television scheduling. Its starting to spread from the sitting room into the office area. They have gorgeous furniture in this house, items that I would be proud to have in my own home. I think this is why it is bothering me so much. Its a complete disrespect for what they've earned.

On his wooden desk and computer monitor, in permanent blank marker there is now writing. Stuff that is irrelevant and will never come off! Its becoming real bad cuz the other week, I saw Female Boss use a Sharpie to write on the side of her computer. Monkey see monkey do. I mean we have legal ledgers, message books and the large post-it note carriages all over the place.. including the sitting room and even some in the dining room and kitchen! What gives? Are they becoming that lazy?

In what could very well be a glint of hope, Female Boss actually got disgusted by the behavior after partaking in it. Kinda like when you pick at a scab and then all of a sudden some puss surfaces. I hate when that happens.. So yeah, she's now against the writing on the walls and furniture. Female Boss came back that afternoon with a can of beige paint to get the walls back to normal.

Female Boss re-paints the walls where Male Boss wrote frivolous crap for the past month. To her dismay, Male Boss comes back irate at what she has done.

"I have important people on the wall!" starts Male Boss.

"If they're that important they'll call back," fires back Female Boss.

"I don't like when you do's stuffs like this without my consent."

"Oh get off it jackass, the walls aren't your personal note pad."

"I don't give a fuck what you think they are not."

"Grow up."

So the weekend comes and passes. I get into the office on Monday morning for another eventful work week in anticipation for more shock and awe. First thing, Male Boss is already busy on the phone with clients and what else is he doing? That's right, I catch him writing a phone number on the wall. Shit's gonna hit the fan when Female Boss gets here. Right? Nope. She saw it, rolled her eyes and that was that. What the hell? Show some moxie, woman!

Instead of showing moxie, Female Boss has become worse than Male Boss over the last handful of days. Although, proving that evolution is alive and well, Female Boss does not enjoy the wall as her canvas for artistic expression. Instead, Female Boss has embarked on a mission to completely cover her computer, printer, scanner, monitor and fax with Sharpie doodlings, ideas, passwords and account numbers. Yes, account numbers as in bank. I have no need for this information but I mean come on, show some concern about anything! It is making the office look tacky and my Indifference vs. Bloodthirsty ratio is really starting to tilt in one direction. I find myself plotting more and more on how to get away with it all. Get away.. with.. hmm, yesss.. that just might work. Shit, wait up.

Mental note: Whatever you do, don't write down ideas from brainstorming on the furniture. Check.

Fuck. Yup. Just Fuck.

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

There's only so much a guy can take. This involves Female Boss, Angry Time's brightest star and dimmest bulb. Frustration mounts, angry times are had and the pressure valve is released for you guys to laugh at my plight. Rant on.

Here's one that happens all too frequently that never seems to enrage me any more or any less no matter how often it happens. There is no getting used to or conditioning one's self for certain types of behavior. One thing I can't ever get used to is the idea of using patchouli (fuck hippies) and this Female Boss personality trait.

I don't know about you guys but when I have a request, assignment or task to do at work I don't procrastinate. I don't sit on it, make people wait and rub one out while thinking of holding out on someone as a show of power. I fuckin handle the business at hand and I move on to the next task. Hence, my ability to have cannibalized the pathetic officemates I used to have. Well, Female Boss is the exact opposite. She loves to make people wait.. she loves setting things aside and she absolutely loves telling me to tell clients that she is on an appointment rather than fulfill the obligation.

I don't know where this behavior is learned. I don't know why one would even want to subject others or even their own work ethic to it. Get the fucking job done. Don't be a prick for the sake of being a prick when it comes to business. This happens all the time. From 8am to 5pm.. same shit. Someone calls in first thing in the morning asking for a status report or appointment schedule for a client, I turn and ask Female Boss when she can give them an answer, she tells me, I repeat it and then the follow up calls begin.

About 20-30 min after the promised time, Client starts calling in asking where the item needed is. The game continues to be played. I have to lie to Client and/or pressure Female Boss.. usually both, several times in the course of the day. The reason it pisses me off so fucking much is bcuz I am caught in the middle of the bullshit. I don't like associating with incompetence.. I can rarely withstand the stench of it whilst in the vicinity of it. Keep me the fuck out of it and fork out your own lies. Fuck, man, I'm tellin' ya it starts a fire in the belly.

Oh and then, when I'm at full tilt ready to implode, Female Boss throws gasoline on the fire. Like this shit, just the other day. Its worth its own post.. not even a Female Boss Muttering post could do this one justice.

Female Boss, after a day of slacking and IMing looks at her calendar to put all her social event ducks in a row. She stares at it for a minute. Tapping her pen, trying my patience with what I know is a fetus of idiocy growing and ready to breach the lapse of common sense canal:

"How come.. hmm. How come the 11th isn't on this stupid calendar?"

Ever get that craving to use a staple remover as a weapon?

"Where the.. Ohh there it is. Right next to the 10th."

You want a Braveheart quote worth its weight in weapons grade plutonium?

Robert the Bruce to his father, "My hate.. will die.. with you."

Just Plain Wrong

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Every season is an event for the fashionistas. Its time to wear whats "in" and toss away whats "out." Fortunately, no one that works at the office is one of these trendy lunatics that seek self-esteem in praise form by those that see through the green eyes of envy and live in the shallowness of anorexic movie stardom. Unfortunately, the one's that have no say in the office, the victims of experimentation and exploitation, become fashionistas by design. I speak of the dogs.

With the extended stay of Old Man Winter comes the undying quest to one-up the other pet owners on the block. I know some of you may think that dressing up your dog is cute and on a good day I might even side with you in that opinion.. where I depart company and unsheathe a pointy stick to make sure you keep your distance is when male dogs are dressed up in female dog winter-ware. This is where I draw the line, all is fun and games until the defenseless becomes the focus of ridicule. You can't lampoon someone that doesn't know he is being lampooned! A mockery I say!

To what end do I owe this outrage? Let me tell ya. Female Boss comes in to work after supposedly being on an appointment all day. She didn't bring the dogs in this morning, which is highly abnormal. Instead, after her lunch break I guess she went home brought them in for the last 2 hours of the day. All of them are normal, so it would seem. I have assumed too soon, Female Boss parades in with The One in hand.

He's got on a new coat. Its white, with white fur and pink embroidery all around it. On The One's spineless back it reads: "Spoiled Princess"

What the fuck! To make matters worse she starts telling The One that he looks like a girl dog. Giggling about how "pretty" he looked. This wasn't enuff to make me post it on Angry Time when it happened. As queasy as it makes me, there needed to be more for it to be worthy of a posting and the other day that additional nudge to push this bitch over the cliff happened. In her self-aggrandizing state of mind, long after I had left work, Female Boss took pictures of The One in the coat and in-mailed them to everyone.

The only response tendered by morning was from one of Female Boss' friends that was received by Female Boss with complete disdain. Boy was Female Boss pissed. I opened the in-mail and copied the entire thing verbatim:

"The One looks like a fag."

Concise, clear and succinct. I couldn't have said it better myself. Clearly someone after my own heart.

Chakhtee, Master of Deception

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

**There won't be another post 'till Monday, the 28th. Happy Thanksgiving, Angry Timers. Get the turkey and gravy in. If you eat tofurkey.. a pox on you.

Do you know my friend, Chakhtee? Chances are, when he was in his late 20s, when Dungeons & Dragons was just becoming popular in the 70s, Chakhtee played a Rogue. Roleplaying such a mysterious character, my best guess is that Chakhtee fancied the arts of deceit and prestidigitation. In fact, now probably in his mid 50s, Chakhtee relives his days of skullduggery in today's storytime.

Chakhtee came to the investment property some Friday a while back with his brand new piglet on a leash! Yes, a piglet, fuckin awesome! Its name is probably the best name ever too. Dunkirt! I mean come on, you can't help but love the piglet already. On top of that, he's as energetic as a puppy and twice as smart. Talk about a rift in the monotony. Well done Chakhtee, but the story isn't about the young Squire Dunkirt.

Chakhtee is experiencing calamities of the fiduciary kind and came asking Male Boss, the other Friday, for any work he can do for him around the house. Male Boss is really good about taking care of this guy. Much like my own take on life, Male Boss gives Chakhtee a hand up and not a hand out. Score one for a little old-fashioned elbow grease! Sure, Male Boss could fork over a few hundred bucks to the guy but why not bring the guy around the office to make him feel human and earn it instead? Sounds good to me.

The deal was for Chakhtee to do some touch up work on some tiles and grout in the bathrooms and on some of the marble. Whatever, no big deal. He comes in, day one, Wednesday, day two, Thursday, and then came day three, Friday, where Chakhtee earns the ridicule from the beginning of this story.

Reiterating, its now Friday morning, Chakhtee is already in the house, when I get to work, doing his thing. Considering that he has a bald spot that is no longer a spot, per se, but of helmet size Chakhtee rarely does anything to cover it up.. to each their own. Yet today, he had on a ball cap. I did a slight double-take but pressed on to the humdrum of the office. After sitting down at my computer for about 20 minutes, it hit me. What the fuck happened to Chakhtee?

I went out to the kitchen to grab a Powerade from the fridge and took a good, hard look at this poor man. What Chakhtee was being plagued by was unlike anything I had ever seen before. His melon-shaped head had morphed, overnight, into something of a gourd. His hat was on but careful examination revealed that it was unclasped. It was pretty frikkin bad. It looked like someone took a sledge to the side of his face. I don't really talk to the guy so rather than taking on the role of a concerned citizen, I took on the task of replenishing my electrolytes via ingesting my tasty Powerade. Though, as callous as I wish I was, I didn't leave this leaf unturned.

When Female Boss emerged from her shopping spree in the afternoon I asked her what the hell happened to Chakhtee. She tells me that he said he has had a tooth ache for the past few weeks and somehow he agitated it last night.

Now let me put things into a little perspective here. Get the image of a honeydew, cut in half, in your mind's eye. Are we there? Now put that halved honeydew up against the side of your face. That's about how insane Chakhtee looked. Except that his cheek bulged out with Chris Kringle-like ferocity. The swelling was so severe that it followed up his jawbone into the temple area. The hat he "wore" no longer fit on his head, rather it lay there, balanced by the steady posture of Chakhtee. Female Boss said that he can barely talk on top of all that and that he had to have a rag in his pocket to wipe away the puss! Fucking puss! A toothache can do this!?

What's worse is I never received closure on this one. That was the last time he worked on the house and I didn't see him for another month. Female Boss never asked him what ultimately happened; if a team of surgeons had to drain his bulbous, puss-filled face or what. Talk about disappointing but talk about a pathetic attempt to disguise what could possibly have been the most grotesque disfiguring I have seen in my life! So FYI Angry Timers, next time your head swells up to almost double its normal size, a baseball cap doesn't help. More than likely it draws more attention to the problem than not.

Easily Amused

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Female Boss comes in almost 3 hours late to work. I have several messages for her posted on her computer but this isn't important. What is important is checking her in-mail. Its nonsense time during my watch but I have to be Serious Business while she is impressed by internet parlor tricks circa 1991. Like this fuckin daisy of an in-mail: Random jackass friend of yours sends you an in-mail with some title that is supposed to spark your interest. Instead of doing that, the only reason you open the in-mail is bcuz you hope that the asshat isn't trying to expose you to more nonsensical spam. Every time you open that stupid in-mail and every time you are wrong yet you keep doing it. Pieces of shit and their spam.

Sorry, sorry but fuck this.. I am ranting so try to keep up with me here. The stupid title of the in-mail says "Clean your monitor from inside." God damn it, I know some of you jerkasses are sitting there laughing cuz you've seen this stupid shit before. Yeah, you have. You open the attachment and there is a cat, dazzling to a newborn child, "licking" the computer screen from "inside" of the monitor. Northe's response: Har, har, har. Great fuckin' gag, close the in-mail. Don't send it to anyone. Don't waste anyone's time. Delete. But that's not the response shared by Female Boss, instead I get, "Incredible!!"

My interest isn't so much sparked as it is my programmed reaction to a) pretend to care about what Female Boss is talking about and b) perhaps this emotional outburst will yield a story for Angry Time. I see the kitten licking the screen and turn my head squeezing my eyes as tightly as I can as if that will help me escape this horrific world.

"Oh my goodness! This is the best!" she squeals.

Did I mention the movie loops itself. That's right, its never-ending.. the entertainment doesn't stop. Ever.

"You can't beat this one!"

Looped, a three second loop. Same shit, over and over again. The average person cannot possibly watch this for more than 15 seconds.

"I am enthralled by this! This is the best!"

No matter how much I will this scene to end it keeps going. At this point even God is shaking his head. Then, He looks over at me and starts to laugh.

"Would you get a load of this!" she continues.

Ignoring her does nothing but prolong the situation. I cannot bring myself to feign interest or contribute to her wallowing in cheap humor. I just sit there and stare at my monitor and think maybe, just maybe, that cat will be as enthusiastic licking the blood off of her screen one day.

"I'm gonna have to send this to everyone!" says the idiot.

Thus, the cycle continues. When that jackass in-mail hits you, you now know how its propagated. You know how the madness doesn't cease. You know the means by which the worm bores into your brain, infects, then eats away. All in a matter of 5 minutes. Be wary and do us all a favor by not forwarding any of these bullshit in-mails. Please!

Dog Shorts

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Eh, why not start up another series. All these short stories make for having to expound and expound with filler to make it worthy of a single post, so I have decided to just bunch a couple together every now and again to get em on Angry Time. Quality over quantity.. a direct example that shows that I care about the reader! We'll start off with a healthy subject: dog shit. The first two scenarios will answer any questions regarding Pigfoot's and Puppy's bowel movement tendencies.. by popular demand of course. Hey, I'm just lookin' out for you guys.. its been a good month.

Scenario #1: One thing about Pigfoot, aside from being an unstoppable force in the canine world, is that he knows how to get under people's skin. Female Boss rarely lets him out into the house. Reason being is that he is destructive. However, this doesn't deter Female Boss from testing the ever-boiling waters, that is Pigfoot, to be scalded. This happens at least 84.6% of the time:

Pigfoot starts getting grumpy and starts barking to get into the house. Female Boss can't take it and eventually lets Pigfoot in. Anywhere within the first 30-60 secs of not being watched, Pigfoot takes a giant shit in the middle of the dining room. Sweet, sweet Pigfoot.. he must like taking shit on the cold tile.

Scenario #2: Puppy has been the favored pet of the trio lately. Female Boss caters to her every whim and lets Puppy stroll around the house almost the entire day now. I don't mind it cuz even with how brain dead Puppy can be, she still provides some good company during downtime. Such as, calling her over to then ignore her and watching Female Boss trying to train her with different commands everyday. Inconsistency doesn't work well apparently, just so you know. Who'da thunk it?

So the other day, Puppy is out and wandering around. Female Boss gets up to head out for lunch. Turns out Puppy took a shit by the front door. My best guess would be that Puppy was trying to get out, couldn't hold it any longer and dumped closest to where she was supposed to.

Then came the question for the ages by Female Boss, "God damn it, Puppy. Can't you do that outside?"

/sigh

Scenario #3: I am pretty sure that I have mentioned in passing that The One and Pigfoot hate Puppy. They literally, in my professional pet behavioral analysis, want to kill Puppy multiple times a day. In fact, here's a bit of Angry Time trivia for when Angry Time: The Board Game hits the shelves --> Female Boss generally leaves one or two dogs at the investment property every night bcuz when she takes them home with her they, in her words, "Fight all night."

So, whenever the aggression sparks up you hear the low growls and then as their fill of Puppy starts to steep they do a combination of barks and growls. This type of behavior is not good in the animal kingdom, folks. I think Commissioner Phelps would concur on this, since he has shared his expertise on the subject in the past, as well.

In a desperate plunge to become a more responsible pet owner, Female Boss believes that intervening during this type of behavior is the best thing to do. Hey give the woman credit, only took about 10 months to unearth this solution. The way she attempts to stop Pigfoot and The One from tearing the soft flesh from Puppy's skeletal frame by shouting, "Hey!"

Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't but its the justification for her screaming that makes this noteworthy. Typical scenario, dogs getting ready to attack and Female Boss screaming, "Hey!" After excessive ignoring of her cries Female Boss switches it up with a loud clap and a, "Hey!" shout. It works, they stop.

Female Boss, drunk on her own pride comments, "Sorry for shouting, I just have to stop their brain thing."

Uhh yeah, if only someone would come over and start your "brain thing."

Female Boss Shorts 5

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

**I know I know, Friday means Sensei Clause conclusion posts. I need some inspiration tho. I'll try to get another up next Friday.**

Sometimes I get dizzy thinking how amazing it is that this series is already on #5 then I look at the heap of stories I have sitting in front of me on my legal ledger and know that I have enuff for another 5 more. What can I say, she's an interesting lady this Female Boss and she consistently brings inconsistent levels of intelligence to the table. Well, here's to another set of Shorts. These are pertaining to food oddly enuff.

Scenario #1: Chow time for the dogs. Female Boss heads for the kitchen while she simultaneously puts some ham on the frier to make one of her patented fried ham sandwiches, yargh. None for me today thank you very much. I happen to have the other half of my chicken parmesan sandwich sittin in front of me and there's very little that sounds better to me than this right here.

Before too long I hear the clank of the dog food being poured into the stainless steel dog trough built for three. I dive into my sandwich and cut the strings of cheese coming off of the chicken with my teeth. Female Boss takes a bite into her sandwich and gives off her typical moan and comment at how delectable it is. Everyone is on cloud 9.. well, not so much.

With a concerned edge to her voice, Female Boss asks, "Why aren't you eating honey?"

A few seconds pass.

Female Boss laughing now, "Oh crap, instead of buying dog food this morning I bought guinea pig food."

Northe = speechless.

Scenario #2: Female Boss is rummaging thru the fridge in search of something tasty. Chances are there isn't much as the shopping has been at a stand still for restocking the investment property. I am wise tho, I know this and brought myself a little Taco Bell to keep the belly full.

Female Boss starts thinking out loud from the kitchen, "Oh, here we go, smoked salmon."

A sound somewhat like, "Eaurgh," comes from the kitchen.

"You ok?" I ask.

"The expiration date on this is 8/30/04. I can't believe how quickly this expires."

8/30/04 I'm thinking to myself.. if it was quickly that means you bought it around summertime last year, if its slow to expire that means you bought it in '03 or earlier. My stomach turns at the thought of it then glee takes my heart as I hear more thoughts spoken out loud.

"You know, I kept it around for when guests came."

It went on, "Wow, I've been snacking on this all year... well, I'm glad I looked."

A small voice inside my head tells me not to share my happiness with her.

Scenario #3: Nearing the end of the day Female Boss is looking for an early dinner at the investment property rather than heading home to eat. I can't blame her, easy alternatives satisfy that much more. Then, a synapse in Female Boss' head fires, "Hey Northe, have you ever eaten cream cheese with turkey?"

Sounds odd, but basically you make a turkey sandwich on a bagel, add a slice of tomato and instead of using a slice of cheese put a little shmear of cream cheese on it, big whoop, its good tho. I find it troubling she is asking me this as she is the one that introduced me to it! I guess forgetfulness and idiocy go hand in hand, so I'll play along.

"Yes," I answer.

"Oh, well have you had it on a bagel with tomato before?"

Fending off the urge to get up from my seat to perform terrible deeds, I answer in the exact same way as the first time, "Yes."

"Really? Where have you tried a sandwich like that before?"

My voice reeks of condescension, like I give a fuck, "Here."

"Oh."

Yeah, oh. Oh, my brain fails to function 90% of the time I attempt to use it, or, oh, I was thinking Northe, maybe when you find the free time you can take this butter knife I used to spread the cream cheese on my sandwich and saw away at the major artery of your liking? Which one? Cuz that "oh" couldn't mean anything other than those two options. This is one of those times when eeny-meeny-miney-mo can be used to pick a solution without catching ridicule.

Another Dose of Crazy

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Sigh. Just when I think that showing off the dogs to neighbors would be enuff to stop Female Boss' irrational thought process that the animals are well behaved and exceptional, this happens:

Female Boss is on the phone with another Friend. Female Boss is fawning over her perfectly behaved trio of canines as if they were the hallmark of decency. Don't ask me about that link, I typed "hallmark of decency" into Google Images and its the only picture that came up, complain to Google.. or India. As if my jaw can use, yet another unhinging, I listen to Female Boss spewing this crap about how well-behaved they have been. This on the heels of Pigfoot's latest creation and The One's case of the "Oops Poops", see Scenario #3.

Who the fuck does she think she is kidding here!? Obviously she is fooling Friend, but how can you tell straight up lies to someone when a different someone, fuckin Northe that's who, that knows all is sitting right next to you!? Is it a lie tho, or is it something deeper, like a blocking of reality? Female Boss is partaking on a journey of complete refusal to admit that she had to crawl on her hands and knees to clean up shit that took on the form of mustard water! Seriously! Someone throw me a fuckin bone here cuz I haven't the slightest clue.

Then the conversation turns to vomit inducing levels.

"Oh I know, I know. They're just adorable! Well, to be honest, I have been looking on the internet to see how I can start them on the path to becoming Show Dogs."

In cartoon land, I think my head would have snapped back, off my neck and rolled across the room. In real life, I clenched my jaw so tightly the enamel on my teeth turned into a residue one would liken to pixie dust.

Assignment: If anyone can come up with a line that expresses both shock and infuriation better than "Holy fucking shit" that I actually like, I will use it often here.

So, wait up, let's get a visual here. Out comes The One, a nine year old dog that when put down by Female Boss cries like a baby. No wait, I am looking at the bad side of The One. Out comes The One, that when grabbed by the Judge for the complementary molestation and nuts check, attacks the Judge with unforgiving wrath. Or how about, The One comes out and is to follow Female Boss around the judging ring but since he's nine and has no idea how to follow a command, does whatever the fuck he wants! Hows that!?

Then Pigfoot comes out and jerks free from the Judge's hands to go dry hump the nearest male dog. Or how about, Pigfoot decides that its his time to take over the world and attacks everyone that gets near him. Quite the Show Dog!

Then Puppy, the dog that is so frikkin insecure she can't even walk with a collar on. You heard me, when Female Boss puts her collar on, she stands frozen until it is taken off! Tug all you want, the dog will be dragged across glass and hot coals before she walks with a collar around her neck. So fuckin stupid..

Yeah Female Boss, great fuckin' call! Show Dogs! Your rabble of unknowing, paragons of incivility would be fantastic candidates for Best in Show! Its a wonder that Crufts isn't knocking down the door to plop your dogs into a trophy! Brilliant!

Cooking Time!

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I was pretty excited coming into work today. Yesterday, rumor had it that Male Boss was going to be cooking up some classic dishes from the mother country today for lunch. This excites me cuz as nutty as it sounds, Male Boss can throw down in the kitchen. The guy makes some fucked up shit you can't pronounce and you would never think of as putting together as a meal but hot damn if it isn't tasty bird. I mooch off them nonstop and a change of pace is welcome thing when it comes to lunchtime.

My hopes were dashed about one hour after I arrived at the office. Male Boss had an urgent meeting to attend to and would be gone the majority of the day. Such is life, looks like the basic will do. Then, a ray of light is sent through the clouds. Female Boss steps up to the plate and says she'll cook something in his stead. Eh, I'll take it. She has grilled up some stuff on her little hibachi grill out back before and it wasn't bad at all. Its pretty hard to fuck things up when you just throw meat on fire. Things are looking up.

Female Boss takes off an hour later to hit up the local grocery store, I get a chance to fuck around on the internet while getting paid and I am looking forward to a hearty meal. Female Boss comes back, starts cooking up a bunch of stuff. She tells me what she is making. Pretty basic but, hell, who cares? Grilled pork chops, some veggies and some lime concoction she likes to dip her pork chops in. Sounds fantastic.

Just when everything was coming together, Female Boss puts on a masterful display of intelligence.

"Ah fuck, these aren't limes."

What a daisy. Surely this couldn't be, as most children know the difference between the numerous citrus fruits we have in our grocery stores nowadays. Then came the back story on it all.

"While I was in the store looking for the limes I came across these huge ones. They were the biggest limes I had ever seen. It was just so silly because they were marked as oranges but look, Northe. They are as green as can be."

"But they were marked as oranges?" I ask.

"Yeah, they had them in the orange section. I thought they made an error on the signs."

"You didn't squeeze em a bit and smell em to double check?" I probe further.

"Noooo," she says completely insulted by my question. "Why would I?" Then trailing off, "Damn it, I can't believe they aren't fucking limes."

So, for future reference, items marked are definitely not what the sign says, just ask Female Boss.

Female Boss Mutterings 3

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

More under the breath, nonsensical rantings from the mindless.

"You know, maybe that's the.. maybe that's the ummm... ahahaha hahah." - What the fuck..

"Someone should design a bird handling glove." - I forgot those don't exist..

"Well, I think you can get in a rut in this weather, can't you?" - I don't know how to answer that.

"Excedrin is not for tooth decay." - If that's not on the label it should be.

"Gonna have to ask the vet about the blood in Puppy's stool." - I don't know about you but I love the word "stool."

"Shlomo, shlomo. Sounds like slow motion." - What do you want from me that hasn't already been sufficient with her own stupidity?

"Seems like everyone has June Gloom." - In October..

"He looks like Robin Hood." - While looking at a fax with nothing but text on it.

"Where did the day go!?" - While the clock reads 11:40am.

We'll end with what has to be the quote of the year:

"Sometimes it helps not knowing anything."

Yes. I swear on my life. I think she had an epiphany. The chances of her having an epiphany considering that the statement was said some time last week and I already have 11 new drafts on deck for the blog, chances are the answer is a resounding no. Eh, oh well, more fun for us.

Stress Apportioning

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Whenever Female Boss is stressed about something she does her damnedest to make sure that someone else is feeling the same way she is. I touched on this slightly in paragraph two of the first Master of Analogy post. Its her need to seek, then dump and finally, commiserate with someone else bcuz, clearly, it eats away at her brain.. literally and figuratively.. what's left of the acorn size nub anyway.

For the time I have worked here I never really noticed that it is more than just sharing an opinion or feeling on a subject. Its the actual attempt at getting the listener to become as stressed out as she is. For the most part Female Boss only behaves this way when it comes to stress. Disturbingly so, it is a pattern.

It never really struck a chord with me until recently. Being as unamused as I am while at the office, all of her sharing with me reaps nothing but unemotional responses and replies. Before long, I doubt she will ever speak to me about anything aside from work cuz I am not giving her what she wants from a conversation (read as: bitching session). I guess one can always hope.

The conversation happened about a week before today. Female Boss' Friend is planning on going on a cruise for a week. Friend has a cat that Female Boss is fond of. I recall her stress building up since then regarding the matter. A week's worth of conversation on the topic can be summed up with this:

"I just don't think its right for her to leave her cat behind for a full week," she tells me.

"She's taking it to someone's house, leaving it at home or what?" I ask.

"No, she's taking it to a pet motel."

"Oh, that's not bad.. we used to call them kennels in my day," I quip.

"I just think its wrong. I mean so many bad things can happen there. Fleas, ticks.. she could get sick. What if she doesn't eat?"

Female Boss' irrational thought process is fertilized with bullshit that comes out of anyone's mouth that just wants to carry on a conversation with her. I want no part in growing this crap crop, so I hang up my Mantis and enjoy a cup of shut the fuck up. Come on, reap.. fertilize.. crop.. oh the punnery!

Its the day before the trip and talking to me only leaves a dissatisfied taste in Female Boss' mouth. Instead of bothering me further, Female Boss turns to ye olde (with an E) telephone. She calls up Friend to let her know how concerned she is. Before long, Female Boss is describing some of the worst case scenarios that could ever happen at a kennel. I jotted down a few things that she said. The four things she already mentioned before were said along with:

a) What if there's an earthquake?
b) What if there's a fire at the kennel?
c) What if the other animals really don't like your cat?

Let it be known, this conversation was a good 15-20 minutes of Female Boss just harping on this shit to Friend non stop. Every time Friend would come up with some sort of rationalization Female Boss would throw another one on the table in hopes to drag her down into her morose. Then, like storm clouds suddenly parting, Female Boss tries to hem everything up by saying, "I mean I don't want to make you worry while on your trip, I am sure the cruise will be a blast."

Gee, thanks. Fill my head with bombastic, horrifying scenarios for my pet but yeah, I'll have a great fucking time on my trip! No worries at all! Thanks for the concern and making sure I know how my animal could possibly suffer while I eat my weight in shellfish! Thanks tons.. whore..