Female Boss Shorts 6

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Since I have a lot of stories to catch up on and little gumption to make it happen I am bringing back the highly rated Female Boss Shorts for today's entry. Things at the office are as retarded as ever, I'm sure you can imagine so stay a while and listen. Here are some quick updates on some of the recent happenings.

Scenario #1: Female Boss landed the company a new Client. This is something new for her as its usually Male Boss' job and the Professional's job to get in the high class clientèle. Being that it is so unusual for Female Boss to score a new Client for us, you know that this was never meant to be. I am not sure how she met this women but her last name is Valdivia (Val-dee-vee-uh). Its a pretty difficult name to pronounce if you have no spanish influence around you. Female Boss, Angry Time's favorite New Jerseyite, is not the best at switching gears and turning on the spanish accent. In fact, she is so bad at it that she started calling our new client Mrs. Velveeta. That's right.. like the cheese.. while on the phone with her. The sad part is that she truly thought this was how to pronounce her name. It went on like this for about 2-3 weeks before the woman blew up on her. We are yet to get new assignments from her. Whether that is the reason for the falling out is still up for debate.

Scenario #2: Since Female Boss' splendid plan to get Demonseed a trainer things haven't been more hilarious. Recall that this man is a dog trainer, not a bird trainer. He does the training sessions, I use that term loosely, like he would a dog. Demonseed doesn't give a shit. All the bird knows is that attention is all the rave when Trainer steps in. Their latest teaching assignment for Demonseed? To throw debris out of its cage. Meaning that if you give Demonseed a sheet of paper, they are encouraging the bird to make a mess on the floor.. something that Female Boss and Male Boss have cursed to the high heavens about how many times a day they have to sweep under and around its cage! Something tells me that this bird is training the owners to accept the behavior, more like a reverse grooming. This is nothing new for Female Boss tho.. its what we have seen for years here. The owner bending to the will of the pet.. brilliant...

More updates to come.

Glad You're My Friend

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Lately, Female Boss has been nothing short of a recluse. I am talking about taking no calls from friends, not answering her cell phone and the social butterfly she sometimes can be has all but spun a cocoon of secrecy to hide in. Especially with the Plastics. The Plastics are her usual go-to girls for fun and excitement and she has been really stand-offish with them. It could be that she is finally learning to ignore the siren song of $150 dinners several nights a week that don't fill you up and the overall pretentious attitude that tends to make Female Boss that much more unbearable. Maybe its a good thing, maybe it will turn into a positive. Regardless of my unfounded and optimistic outlook for Female Boss' failing brain, I can tell you that her dodging The Plastics have resulted in her fucking up pretty royally.

For a couple weeks a particular Plastic was blowin up her cell phone and even the office line. I found it kind of odd cuz this particular Plastic isn't much on phone calls and stranger was that Female Boss would usually brush off her call saying that she didn't want to talk to her right now or that she would call her back. Way different, cuz 9 times outta 10 she'd have taken the phone call.. this is no longer the situation. Newly appointed as the office arbitrator, I am stuck with the task of getting rid of this whore and dealing with her nonstop questioning about why Female Boss is not calling her back. I grow weary of her pathetic assault on me and turn it around.

"She hasn't been returning your cell phone calls either, maybe you should get one of your other friends to call her and see if she calls back if you're so concerned."

This angers the Plastic. She thinks that a conspiracy is afoot yet does not adapt to the new challenge laid out in front of her by me. Nor does the Plastic have the smarts to tell me what the fuck she needs to communicate to Female Boss so we can get on with our lives. So, while I am caught between this terd sandwich.. and shut the fuck up idiots, I know how "turd" is spelled and it looks fuckin stupid so I spell it with an "e".. the way it should be spelled.. my world you bitches, deal with it.. and if you're coming here to study for the fuckin grammar rodeo or honing your skills for a spelling contest you came to the wrong fuckin website. Moving on.. being caught knee deep in the rotting brain matter of these two apes starts to enrage me further. Literally 3 weeks into the affair, the Plastic finally gives in to my demands and lets me know that she wanted to make sure that Female Boss was "attending" on Saturday, two weeks from then, as she has not heard from her.

Now that I have something a little more mucilaginous to hock at the gaping spitoon that is Female Boss' ability to process and act upon, I can only hope that it clings on for dear life long enuff for her to nip this shit in the bud. I regret to report that much like common sense, motor skills easily mastered by third graders, critical thinking, coherent thought, basic use and understanding of the english language and self respect.. Female Boss has failed to heed my call and it slips thru the grating to the void of her mind to be swallowed and further fuel her voracious appetite to fail in life. Female Boss even burps up a phrase I am able to understand:

"Probably another stupid party of hers."

No phone call back. No nothing. Just the continued avoidance of her Plastic cohort. So be it. I will play the game and I will play it according to my rules. Unfortunately, not much else is done over the next two weeks. I receive, maybe, a handful of calls from her to which I am forced to continue dodging and making excuses. Whatever. I give a fuck. Female Boss does to.. until the reveal the following Monday after the elusive Saturday!

I come into the office about 10 minutes early to get a jump start on some shit I did not finish the previous night. Female Boss is practically in tears on the phone making excuses for her pathetic existence to some chimp that likely has no clue what to do with the information spewing forth. Blubbering and writhing, Female Boss' display goes on for what seems to be an eternity. She must have received a dozen phone calls and made another dozen herself in the span of a couple hours. Slowly the pieces start to fall into place.

Turns out that Female Boss missed a fuckin wedding! Not just any wedding, the wedding of the Plastic that has been calling her for over a month! Correction.. not just the wedding of the Plastic that has been calling for over a month but the wedding of the Plastic that has been calling for over a month that Female Boss was supposed to be in!!! The stupid fuck Plastic was trying to communicate to Female Boss that she still hadn't picked up her dress, rehearsal dinner.. yadda yadda. Can you believe this shit? The best is that stupid fuckin whore never told me a thing. Never communicated to me the urgency of the whole dealy so I have no remorse.. she deserves nothing less than the cream of gene's pool she now wades in. Fuck her. The kicker is that Female Boss' friends had been leaving her messages on her cell too, in detail, about what was going on. Why did Female Boss not get any of the messages. Let me quote:

"I forgot my voicemail password and was too embarrassed to call my provider."

Hahaha. Wow. Well fuckin done, you idiot! I realize this one is another "close to home" post that if they ever stumble upon it will be my ass but some things are too good not to share. I put my life here at my job in the hands of fate. With the combined brain power of those I mock I would tend to put a healthy wager in my job security.

I Know a Guy Who Knows a Guy

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

One of the most ridiculous purchases of all time took place before I started working here. Male and Female Boss bought an authentic slot machine for the house. I guess they thought it would be a good idea to have in the house and pass time with. Initially it seems like a good idea but you'd be surprised to find out that if there's anything slightly more boring than work its fake gambling. Nothing says Lord, take my life like winning jackpot after jackpot on a machine that refuses to pay out. Terrible shit.

So, here's the deal. Female Boss thinks its a good time to retire this thing from the main room of the house to the corner of the den. The den is more like a dungeon. The den is windowless and appropriately has a light bulb with a pull string in the center of the room. The fate of the slot machine lies within the confines of that personal hell to become a dust collector and depreciate until it becomes something that Female Boss wishes to give away.

Here's the rub. The reason why I even bring this up is cuz the thing weighs a good 250lbs. Its a big clunky beast likely made in the late 50s from old WWII tank parts. Female Boss needs this thing moved and is scared to move it because she does not want to damage the marble flooring in the house. Ingeniously, Female Boss calls up the company or warehouse or whatever the fuck she bought it from trying to see if they can send over some guys to move it. They are more than willing to perform the task and kindly let Female Boss know that its gonna cost $175.

A little perspective here. This move is no more than about 25ft, if that. I tell Female Boss that I think that the cost is a little steep. Female Boss, rather than listening to the logic in my statement, boasts about how they are going to be arriving this afternoon. I decide to keep my mouth shut and get back to work. If she wants to spend $175 for 10 min of work then so be it. I just wish she'd pay me that well.

A team of three clown college graduates get to the house about two minutes before I walk out the door to go home. Female Boss makes no mention to their faces that they are a mere 4 hours late and starts putting them to work. I am in no mood to stick around and watch, so I leave.

The next morning I stroll in and ask Female Boss how everything went. Her face lights up as she begins to tell me how these guys were done in no time at all. She might as well be swooning.

"These guys knew exactly what they were doing. I mean they were great!! If you know anyone who needs a slot machine moved I recommend these guys with high marks. They're the best."

Now hold up, before you start in-mailing me, asking me what the phone number is to get your slot machines moved, lets figure out an orderly way to handle this. Okay, I got it. How about you in-mail me if you don't need a slot machine moved cuz it will save me a lot more time taking one or two people off my mailing list than checking on dozens and dozens of people that are in need of this valuable service. Fuck man, finally.. someone that can move that slot machine. Female Boss has the hook up, guys! We're in!

Time Well Spent

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Just when I thought I couldn't say What the fuck often enuff, Female Boss comes in with some more crap. I mean, what the fuck! I am not one to tell people how to spend their free time but this is just about the dumbest shit I have ever seen. You ready for this? I don't think you are. Jeezus fuck, this is so stupid!

Female Boss is sitting there on her lunch break. She decides to bring in a salad from home today and talking about how "fresh" it is. I hope so idiot, you brought that shit from home! Just when I am settling back in from my lunch break and starting to get my workload started, Female Boss starts rusting through some letters she brought from home.

"This is really interesting, Northe."

"What is?" which is my way of saying what now you, fuckin reject!?

"I am reading some of these ads I am getting in the mail," Female Boss pauses.

I would guess she is reading one or trying to get back that hiccup in her brain so it can start spewing forth further bullshit. Regardless, I take the chance to give her a quick jab, "You mean junk mail?"

"Well, I guess. No, not really. Kinda."

There goes that hiccup again. Her own stupidity is at war with itself. Its amazing!

"Well, I mean listen to this. They use words like exclusive and congratulations and this is an invitation. Then it goes on to tell me that I am part of a select few.

"Okay," I say waiting for her genius to reach its apex.

"Well, I mean isn't this interesting?"

"What is?" At this point I have to challenge her cuz she is fuckin nuts and I want to let her know. Does it work tho? No. Questions are only answered by those with the aptitude to perform that task. Female Boss is only able to put forth idiocy, not describe it. Fair enuff?

"I'm gonna call 'em."

So, here I sit listening to the stupidest conversation of my life between two festering hags that could very well team up to beat a baboon in a spelling contest and still lose. Female Boss is asking them all these questions about the words they use in their ad and then goes on to complement this pigeon on the other end of the phone.

"This is great!"

In the amount of time it would have taken me to hack off her limbs and quarter her torso, Female Boss finishes her conversation.

"Well, get this. They told me to keep the letter that I received if I find interest in using their services."

"Are you going to?"

"Sure, why not? I think they want to make me feel special. Call me crazy but I think they are going to enter me into a raffle." More excited now, "Wouldn't that be great! I mean that would really be something."

How the.. what in the fuckin hell is she talking about!? What raffle!? What anything!? No, I won't call you crazy.. I'll call you a dumb fuck! Do something.. ANYTHING more productive with your time then dreaming up this nonsensical bullshit! Fuck!

Double Cha-jee

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Back in the day a buncha my friends used to go grub sushi at this all-you-can-eat spot that was pretty good. The spot was definitely the place to grub down. It was like $25 for all the sushi you could muster in an hour and the quality, tho not top notch, was up there. The other plus about the place is that it was all-you-can-eat at the sushi bar only. So get the picture of some buffet style slopfest outta your head.

After a while of getting to know the sushi guys we started becoming revered patrons of the establishment. We'd walk in, get treated like kings and the fish would start heaping up in front of us. Even the manager would start talkin shit to us. We'd order certain things and he'd yell out with a thick accent, "Double cha-jee!" Which means double charge. It was funny ass shit and likely you had to be there to appreciate the humor. So, going on to what the day's latest brings at Angry Time..

Apparently Female Boss decided on getting a really nice care package for our top client for no specific reason. Essentially its a show of gratitude, something that will bring our two companies closer together. The gift is coming from a local eatery, Company. There are tons of different food items that she wants to give them. All fresh stuff, it would be a good amount for the employees to snack on all day when it arrives. Sounds like a plan from the heart to me.

The first problem that Company runs into is that Female Boss jotted down the wrong address to deliver the package to. Company calls up the office and I happen to pick up the line. They tell me the address Female Boss gave them. Its completely different than the company address we have in our database, different city and everything. I am now really confused. Its one of two things, either Female Boss is completely off her rocker or they have a corporate office or some such that she is wanting to deliver to. I don't want to make any assumptions so I take down the message for Female Boss and give it to her when she gets in.

"Oh okay. Yeah, I am sending it to their office location. The address we have is just their mailing address."

Fair enough. I'll just go ahead and pick up the phone to tell them the switch. What.. what am I doing? I thought she wanted the package to go out today. Female Boss leaves the office. Hmm.. that's completely outta the ordinary.. Female Boss is acting retarded.

To make a long story less exasperating I'll shorten things up. Over the next 8 work days I get 4 messages from Company complaining that the order was set for that particular day and that the contents of the package are no longer fit for consumption. Every single day they call I give Female Boss a verbal message along with a hand written note with their number and everything to make things very basic for her to understand.

As shocking as it may be, my efforts come to no avail. Female Boss still hasn't called up Company. Then, finally.. the golden opportunity surfaces. I receive a phone call from Company, again. Why these people are so persistent to begin with is beyond me. They have already been paid, what the fuck do they care at this point? Anyway, Female Boss is outside talking to the gardener when they call. I have to get her into the office. I am successful after a lot of hollering for her to get the phone. The best is how the conversation starts.

"Yes, hi," *pause* "Well I ordered that to be delivered like two weeks ago I don't understand why you guys' didn't deliver it," followed by the self-dissapointing "Oh."

Yeah that's right idiot. 'Oh' means you dropped the fuckin ball. After a few minutes on the phone I am happy to report: Comeuppence is at hand!!

"This is bullshit, Northe."

"What is?"

"They made me pay twice!"

"For the second package since you didn't call back and they couldn't deliver the first one?"

"They said I didn't call back in time. I had to pay the shipping cost again too!"

Yeah.. ignore me you jerkass.

"This is bullshit."

You're right. It is bullshit. Its bullshit cuz these people had to waste their fuckin time tracking your ass down. The best is that Female Boss is shocked and appalled cuz they accused her of not calling back in time. She never fuckin called! She was on the phone with them cuz they called her! Get a fuckin clue, idiot. For your insolence you get double cha-jee!

Continuation From Last Post

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

So with our last update on the Eighth Ring of Hell that is my workplace, Female Boss was busy becoming a bilingual prodigy. Unfortunately, Female Boss is likely to be stoned to death before any acclaim comes her way. The following is just another scenario among now, the 100s of stories, that keep me guessing and on my toes while at work:

Female Boss is on the line with Trainer. Hearken back to Trainer. A dog trainer that Female Boss hired to start training her bird. Jeezus Christ.. I can't even type that shit without wanting to spend the next three paragraphs excoriating her very, very slowly. Staying on task.. I catch her midstream, "Well Trainer, you know you're the expert and I don't know anything but I think we need to focus on Demonseed."

Yeah, that's right. Female Boss just said 'I don't know anything'.. well, sorta. I'll take it. So catching up I think, if I recall correctly, Trainer was starting to suggest more time with the other animals rather than on the bird. Trainer has dollar signs in his eyes and thats all well and good. Conan knows any change in this office is for the best.

So literally right after that last confession and suggestion by Female Boss she interrupts all train of thought and blurts out, "Oh! By the way. I have the cutest story!"

I have no clue what she's gonna say.

"I have started to call Pigfoot Gay now." .. "Uh huh.. like, 'come here, Gay!'"

My eyes squint in shrouded disbelief. I mean, what the fuck is wrong with this woman? Of course, it gets better.

"Isn't that funny? Oh! Then, if Pigfoot is being bad I'll call him Puto!" .. "Yeah, it means fag in Spanish. Hahahahaha." .. "Oh okay, well I don't want to keep you, bye."

Female Boss hangs up the line and I can feel the ripple in the atmosphere hit the back of my head as she wrinkles up her face. She's confused. She's trying to comprehend the situation.. wait for it.. wait for it.....

"I can't tell if Trainer thought it was funny or if he just wanted to get off the phone with me."

There it is. I hope it doesn't shock anyone that there was no self-realization at all. If that starts happening, Female Boss will start losing her luster. She must remain in her mentally challenged state. As for Trainer, I just hope he sticks around cuz this has all the makeup of a great relationship.

What Does One Say...?

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I always tell my daughter, if you make it out of high school with the knowledge of two languages you will be among the average; if you make it out of high school with the knowledge of three languages you will be above the fray of the average; if you make it out of high school with the knowledge of four languages you will have the advantage.

Language is key. Being multi-lingual is insane. Being able to communicate to more people will make you a force in life. Luckily, Female Boss has picked up on this even at her later years in life. Its never too late to start taking on the challenges of another language. Who knows, you may have a knack for it. If you do then you can start learning languages quicker than the next and really start expanding your horizons. Let's see what happens in Female Boss' latest caper..

"So Northe, I went out and asked the gardener how to say 'gay' in Spanish."

At least she is interrupting me while I have a phone up to my ear since I am on hold with a client, "Fascinating, what is it?"

"Well it depends, 'maricon' means gay and 'puto' is more derogatory."

I don't comment after that. I actually work instead. As for Female Boss, her wheels are spinning. Who knows what is going on within that dust storm of a brain. Before I know it an hour sails by. Female Boss has likely been in a catatonic state that entire time.

"Ok so, what did I say? Maricon? Is that it?"

"Yup. That and puto is what you said," I answer back.

"Punto like a point?"

"No bitch, puto!" said slightly more respectfully, of course.

"Ohhhhh. Puto. Well what does that mean?"

Arrrrrrrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!! The best would be if Female Boss was so smart that she was trying to get a reaction out of me. Thing is I stay pretty stoic and just jot shit down. Inside I definitely am raging in complete of awe of her stupidity tho. The fact that someone can tell you what something means then an hour later ask you what the same thing means is frikkin crazy. Then come to find out later she wrote the word as "punto" on her monitor. About two weeks later she put an X over the N. Only in my world..

Brain Dead

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

"These websites.. I don't get it," starts Female Boss.

I can only imagine what kind of nonsense is gonna strike my medulla oblongota. Female Boss is fairly decent when it comes to computers and fairly retarded when it comes to them as well.. though I am sure you would agree that empirical evidence leans more towards the retardation of her computer skills than her know-how. Either way, I only know to expect the worst when she is bitching out loud about her computer. It is her way of getting my expert advice and more importantly my attention to stew in her anguish with her.

"Whats the problem?" I ask.

"Well its these stupid websites. I can never find anything when I use these search engines."

"Which one are you using?" as if it matters...

"I like Ask.com for the most part. It seems to be the easiest. I can just ask the guy what I want and he gives me the results from there but isn't there an easier way?"

Ok, I kinda gotta dissect this statement before I get to the question. "The guy" she is referring to is the cartoon image of a butler, as in, Ask Jeeves.. Mr. Jeeves, if you will. I really have no clue how far the metaphor goes, if it really is one, but for her to say that makes me question her ability to comprehend the internet at all. Female Boss is far too literal when it comes to certain things so it is a cause for concern to those around her that may care. I, for one, do not so we'll just move on.

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"Well, I ask Jeeves the question and he doesn't really understand what I mean."

"Give me an example of what you put in the search field."

"The what?" Jeezus....

"Just tell me what you type."

"Okay. Like this one for example. I want to find out about this store back in Jersey. I want to see if it still exists and what they sell now."

"Okay."

"So I type in the field, (roughly remembered by me) 'Does Store in City, New Jersey still sell Products and are they still at the same address?'"

I am dead ass serious. Female Boss is typing complete sentences into this shit with multiple questions as if someone is reading them and finding the information at the speed of light. I couldn't believe it.

Speechless at first, I finally came up with the right words, "What? Are you serious? Ask Jeeves isn't giving you the answer or website you're looking for with that specific of a question?"

"I know! I don't know why I have so much trouble with it sometimes."

I had to take deep breaths and take it easy. I am on the verge of laughing but I want to continue the conversation and see how absurd things get. I can't. I will crack. Bad poker face. Then, Female Boss speaks again:

"Well, I mean isn't there a website search engine that finds what I want without searching for it?"

I didn't say a word. I stood up from my desk and went straight to the restroom. I had to laugh and have some "me-time" to contemplate the hilarity and stupidity of the statement. A search engine that finds what you want without you physically doing anything to generate a search for it! What the hell does that even mean!? Are we talking about a mind reading website? Isn't that what it boils down to? What the fuck is she thinking!? I dunno, Mexi, maybe I need to hire a taxidermist...

Boss Warfare 3

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Sole Scenario: Its the middle of the day. I get back from my lunch break promptly at 1pm. Taco Bell was on the menu cuz I felt I needed to build up my immunity, it was during a flue outbreak and I wasn't gonna fall prey to that bullshit. Dining at Taco Bell made sure of it. More on that theory another time..

I take a seat in the office and Male Boss comes in from the rear portion of the house laughing hysterically. Female Boss follows a few steps behind telling Male Boss, "You're an asshole."

Male Boss laughs harder and louder.

"Want me to tell you why she's pissed, Northe?"

I know better than to ask questions that will give me negative faction to either Boss. I keep my nose in my keyboard and just wait for the gem. Its gonna come, no need to force it or make an unsavory play for it. Just give it a second..

Snickering the whole time, "Come on Female Boss, can I tell him?"

"Fuck off, you fucking bastard."

"Come on, can I tell him how you took a big shit?"

I can feel the heat coming from the sitting room where Female Boss is seated. She has to be bright red with fury and embarrassment. Male Boss knows no boundaries when it comes to decency, especially with me in the office. He tries to be the guy's guy and it comes off about as smooth as sodomy with a pine tree.

"Come on, don't be mad on me. Its funny. You took a huge shit. Stinks up the whole house and clogs the toilet. I got my hands wet helping the toilet to swallow the shit. Just for you. You're gonna be mad on me, Female Boss?"

Female Boss storms out of the house without saying a word. Male Boss is laughing his ass off still. I chuckle a little with him. Poor lass, she really didn't deserve that. You guys though, my Angry Timers.. you definitely deserve it.

Printer Problem

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Its early in the morning and I am just arriving at work. Female Boss is in the kitchen, I say hi. I head to the office and take a seat at my desk. Male Boss springs up from his TV watching and already starts things off. Its a bit early for him, this means he is gonna be cranky. Sure enuff, Male Boss starts barking about some bullshit regarding the printer connected to his computer and how its not working properly. This is a good time for me to grab my trusty pen and pad, so I do.

From the kitchen, Female Boss interrupts his rant by throwing gasoline on the fire, "It just needs to be plugged in, Northe. Don't listen to him. We both know how brilliant of a mind he has when it comes to computers."

I do not get up from my seat. I sit there, waiting for the comeback. Then.. right on queue:

"Hey Northe, I'm pretty sure she fucked it up."

"Okay. I'll check it," I say gratuitously still waiting at my desk with pen in hand.

Why am I still seated at my desk? Are you kidding? Male Boss is just getting started, "She always fucks it up.. don't you Female Boss? Can never let shit the way it stays. Always wants to fuck around, right? Isn't that how you do?"

"You better shut the fuck up right now! I'll fuckin leave!"

Male Boss goes into a mumbling state, "Well I'm pretty sure you fucked it up."

I get up at this point as the pot has slowed to a simmer. Female Boss was quite right, the printer was unplugged.. for what reason or another I have no fucking clue.. and why she didn't solve the problem before it fell into my lap is a totally different skull to crack. It wasn't to conserve power as the power cable was still connected. Even she would know to turn the power 'off' on the printer, wouldn't she? So why the fuck it was unplugged is not for me to guess. I will leave that up to you guys. Anyway, I plug the shit in and call it a job well done.

"What was it then, Northe?" asks Male Boss.

"Oh, just the cable was unplugged on it.. its fine now," I says.

Male Boss focuses his ire toward Female Boss again, "So tell me, Female Boss why the fuck you like to fuck around and unplug that shit? Why the fuck you doing it?"

"I swear to God, you better shut your fucking mouth," she hollers.

"Fuck you, don't ever touch my fucking printer. Never again!"

I coulda counted to 5 at that point. **SLAM!!!** The front door slams shut. Female Boss is gone. She did not return that day. Male Boss didn't give a shit. He sat on the couch most of the day anyway. Crazy fucks..

Grooming the Demonseed Part II

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I last left you with the seed firmly planted, that yes, Female Boss did indeed hire a dog trainer to train her bird, Demonseed. Skipping over the fact that it would take a complete moron to do that we'll go right into the introductory dialogue between the two. It began something like this..

"Just so you know I have never worked with a bird before," said Trainer.

"No, I know. You told me before. I just want to see if we can get anywhere with this training."

Sidebar: Just so you know this took about 2 minutes to communicate to one another. The screaming of Demonseed and barking of the dogs was so loud they moved into the office to where I can hear them no problem. Once they were in the actual office it was much easier for them to communicate and much easier for me to write down their conversation.

"So what do we want to accomplish with Demonseed?" asks Trainer.

"Well, I just want Demonseed to be happy and not screech so much."

"Okay, we'll try with things that keep the bird busy."

Female Boss goes over to the bookcase and grabs some paper. "Like this?" she asks.

"Sure, paper will do."

For one hour these two chimps fed Demonseed paper and Demonseed proceeded to shred it up. Over and over again. They shot the breeze about how stupid each of them is and how its a marvel that people with such untraceable levels of intelligence even possess opposable thumbs.. you know, stuff like that. I just nodded in agreement the entire time.

Before long the "bird training" was just the two of them standing next to the bird cage and talking about music.. and get this.. Female Boss starts going off on how she loves to play the mandolin! She has not touched it in seriously 6-8 months I think. Its just so stupid. Oh, Demonseed? The bird is just standing there on its perch staring and these two whistling every now and then and just enjoying the fact that people are standing next to her for such a long time. The dogs have been barking, not furiously, but enuff to give an average person a headache after this much time has passed.

"Well I should really get going," says Trainer.

"Oh ok, no problem. How much do I owe you? It was two hours right?"

"Yes, $180."

Money well spent if you ask me. Gives me enuff info to write a story about and keeps Female Boss outta the office for a couple hours. Plus there was a lot of progress made. Imagine handing paper to a bird and the bird shredding it up! I mean, its practically inconceivable. The question becomes whether or not this is going to be an ongoing relationship. I am answered shortly thereafter!

"I can't help but notice the dogs are a bit unruly. Perhaps one of these days I can work with them."

"Oh my god! I never thought of that! What a wonderful idea! I think we're gonna have to do it!"

Dog trainer.. dogs.. hmm, dog trainer.. dogs. Dog trainer.. and.. dogs.. dog, trainer.. dogs.. dogs... trainer of dogs.. dogs.. hmm.. no. Nope. I got nothing. Thank goodness Trainer was able to put that equation together cuz there's no chance I'd have even thought of it! I heard a line once.. Shake the nut tree and you're bound to have a few fall in close enuff proximity to drive you to the point of murderous rage. Something like that anyway...

Grooming the Demonseed

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

The more and more I write on this blog the more and more I realize how much I leave out of it due to the worry that one day someone unsavory will stumble upon this blog, report me to the proper authorities and I will be out of a job. Things that I would rather not comment on cuz the connecting of such dots will only make it that much easier to corroborate yours truly in a fiasco to end all fiascoes. The more and more I think about it the more and more I really don't give a fuck. Seeing as though that would spark an entirely new set of Angry Times and the gloves would come off I am likely satisfied with the outcome or with my current state of affairs. So how about I do some more intimate stories involving these Bosses and their antics, yes yes?

We'll go on some idiocy that only Female Boss would think about pioneering. Blazing the trail from the territory of stupidity to less traveled roads.. into the lands of extreme mental retardation. What do I mean by this? Well let's see. Knowing what limited tidbits you know about Demonseed it would be safe to say that either A) you shoot the bird in the face with a paintball gun until an autopsy would reveal a failed set of lungs beautifully coated with a bevy neon colors or B) try to regulate the bird's behavior to where its tolerable. One thing's for sure, these birds are very bright. So why not treat em like any other pet and see if you can train em?

We're now crossing into the lands of extreme mental retardation. If you look out the window to your right you will see a smiling marble bust of Female Boss. To your left, miles of lifeless plains that signify the airy, open space in her skull.

"You know what I'm gonna do, Northe?" asks Female Boss.

"Not yet I don't!"

"I'm gonna get Demonseed a trainer."

"Splendid!"

The following Monday is here in a flash. Female Boss is excited about the trainer headed in to the office today. I am a bit indifferent, knowing what I know all I know is to expect the unexpected. I have become a cheesy character in a poorly written sitcom it seems. I'll just act surprised or feign interest whenever I am called upon.

Around 2pm the trainer, Trainer, shows up. Trainer is greeted with the deluge of horror that greets everyone that enters this vile domain. He's a pigeon of a man. Small, meek and a noting stench coming from his body.. and the matted gel like organic material one would likely recognize as his hair, he is likely swimming with disease. My antibodies quiver in the excitement of fighting off new bacteria.. now would be the ideal time for my HIV to flare up again.

Sidebar: I guess I'll make this a two part post guys. There is far more information and I feel I am long-winded as it is. No sense in boring you before I get to the meat of the matter. However, before I do I'll give you the cliff hanger that will leave you begging for more!

As the pasty husk of this individual passed by the office heading over to Demonseed's cage he waves in my direction.

"Hey, how ya doin," I tell him.

"Fine. My name is Trainer from Woof Woof Training."

Woof Woof Training. Oh, hell no! Please tell me Female Boss didn't hire a dog trainer to train her bird... then again what'dya expect? If I can redirect your attention again to the vast, open, lifeless plains to your left that is the equal to that of Female Boss' mind. To be continued...

Female Boss Mutterings 5

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Indeed! The latest installation of what used to be an all time favorite among Angry Timers. There definitely hasn't been a lack of Mutterings just a lack of will to continually jot them down and sort thru the everyday mutterings and find the real gems. However, in my endless quest to win your favor I have a fresh dose of Female Boss Mutterings that will boggle the mind, make you nod in agreement and scratch your head in bewilderment! Here goes..

"I like mindless tasks." - Yes. So do maggots. Food goes in, poop goes out.

"I'm gonna start getting out of my car and cleaning up trash at red lights." - Great idea. Clean the environment a bit. Just remember to start with the opposite side of the street first, then work your way back to your car.

"A guy like that needs to run for mayor." - After muttering something about how she saw some guy sweeping up the street.. that's good enuff fer'me!

"I'm not like.. all there." - Hasn't she said something along these lines before?

"Another day gone and I haven't done a thing. Oh well." - What? Are we keeping some sort of record now? Cuz up until this point I haven't questioned it being par for the course.

Well that'll do it for this post, friends. I'll do my utmost to keep the mutterings coming. Get the beers in!

Some Peoples' Kids

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I'm just gonna go off on a basic rant today. Nothing work related, just something that inspired a bit of anger from both ends of the spectrum.. as you'll see. Some people's kids are more frustrating to me than others and then the other half of the time I really don't give enuff of a shit to even bother commenting or caring beyond the moment.

The topic of discussion is what some peoples' kids eat. We're talkin crazy ass shit that people eat. Some people might think that sushi is crazy to eat. Those people are met only with a pike to the gullet when they say that to your ol' pal Northey. I personally think that mushrooms are repugnant. Why you'd want to eat fungus is beyond me but hey, I really don't give a shit either way.

The other day fellow Angry Timer, deBACLe, took a video from a wedding over the weekend of what was served to the guests for dinner. Jellied meat. Ever heard of this shit? No? Well, you're probably better off for it. Believe it or not it is served warm like a regular cut of meat. The key is to eat the dinosaur snot, I mean jellied meat, before it gets cold lest ye wish to eat a coagulated tapioca style slurry that is meat flavored. Sound appetizing yet? Have a gander at the video that deBACLe took --> Mmm, just like mom used to make.

That's some fucked up shit. I mean come on. Some breasts don't even shake like that. Its absurd. Cheers, deBACLe, cheers.

So then, the other day, Female Boss was gasping at some garbage in-mail that talked about how horses are bought in the United States, shipped over the great blue seas where they are butchered like.. well, animals.. and fit for human consumption. Female Boss was outraged. Sure, I can understand the whole majesty behind horses. I can understand that horses are considered an elegant beast and far more intelligent than most. People from India think we are sick fucks for eating cows, which they think are godly beyond all else. The bottom line is, when you're fuckin hungry you're gonna eat what you can get your hands and you gotta do what you gotta do to survive.

Hell, if you're starving I bet you anything you'll eat some shit that you never thought you'd eat. Its all about survival. How else do you think some bloke (<-- my tribute to the Crocodile Hunter may he rest in peace) in Russia sat there one day and somehow made a gelatinous cube outta meat remnants and pan drippings, served it to his family and the fuckin family looked at the mother fucker and said, "Hey dad, this is some good shit."

Hunger bitches! That's how. I say if you like the way it tastes and you're excited about grubbing down on some foul shit, Do it! Cuz at the end of the day, all the bitching and moaning coming from either end of the ocean about who eats what and what not doesn't amount for shit cuz neither culture is gonna change the other. Wow, that sounded like a PSA. My next post will be much angrier. Sorry :(

Chakhtee Strikes Again

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

You know my friend, Chakhtee? This mother fucker man. What a champion. I mean I know for a fact this guy isn't the brightest and I guarantee you he isn't gonna win any beauty contests but his luck is also a terrible, terrible shit storm. I don't think I have seen anything go his way ever. Plus, I haven't seen the son of a bitch in a while. Ever since he gifted us with Dunkirt he's been a ghost. This would all change and I bet that Female Boss wishes he had stayed a ghost.

A little background on this latest happening came about a little while ago. Basically Male Boss had the seed planted into his head that he should spend a few bucks and renovate the exterior of the Investment Property. He put in a few new planters out front, some new sod and was gonna pour a brand new driveway. The old concrete was kinda cracked and pretty badly stained. He had planned on putting in some brick trim to accent it and everything. A little curb appeal.. why not..

Without getting into the details of the project, after a few days the concrete is poured, smoothed out and ready to cure. They poured it down in the a.m. and I suppose they said after a handful of days the driveway will be good to go for all use. Its now late afternoon, the same day the crew poured the new driveway. Both Male and Female Boss are happy to finally be at the end of the project. Its gonna work out nicely and everything was handled within a week. Not bad at all.

Oh shits.

I'm sitting at my desk writing up some paperwork and hear Female Boss shrieking like a baboon. I get up from my desk and run over to her, I have no clue what's going on. For all I know she fell and broke her hip or something. Then, I see it..

Chakhtee.. ankle deep in concrete, but that's not all. Tire tracks carved into the driveway by Chakhtee's truck. Apparently he had no clue they were doing work on the driveway.. apparently those 6 inch stakes with the red twine marking off the driveway meant nothing to him.. apparently he didn't feel any drag on his vehicle when he hit the wet concrete.. and apparently he got out of his car so quickly he took four or five steps in the wet concrete before realizing the gravity of the situation.

Now I am to deal with the absolute horror of Female Boss going more ballistic than I have ever seen. She is not only screaming but she is cursing like a longshoreman and Male Boss is doing nothing to calm her down. I need you to picture this situation. Front door wide open. Chakhtee kinda stuck mid-stride in wet concrete, Female Boss screaming if he is insured to cover the damage, Chakhtee insuring her that he will repair the driveway and Male Boss telling Female Boss that its not a big deal.

Amazingly, within the tumult of the situation the dogs and Demonseed are about as dumbfounded as I am.. they're completely dead silent. They couldn't compete anyway, not against Female Boss, not today. Before a hobbit could eat a cupcake, a light goes on in Chakhtee's head. He starts retracing his footsteps in the driveway back to his truck, print by print. Chakhtee reaches into his car and grabs a squeegee from his front seat and starts smoothing out the footsteps one by one.

This does nothing to the demeanor of Female Boss. She storms away from the doorway into the main room ranting about how Chakhtee "has the nerve to say that it will look the same as before by the time he's done." I am trying to lighten the mood a little bit but Female Boss isn't having it. Before all is said and done, Male Boss is able to get in touch with the contractor and he sends out a couple guys to fix the damage. What a mess.

Everything turned out fine, the driveway is more than better and there's no remnants of the disaster that took place that day. Good thing too, cuz I've never seen Female Boss go that nuts. What a sight.. Oh, the reason Chakhtee came over.. he was so happy he landed a job at the local Smart and Final and wanted to share his excitement with all of us. Poor guy. I felt really sorry for him after hearing that.

Idiocy Knows No Bounds

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I may have mentioned in passing previously.. Female Boss does have a genuinely good heart but its that brain of hers that seems to be the problem. Empirical evidence definitely backs that statement up so I don't think I will go into it any further and just skip forward to the latest demonstration of stupidity. Even I had a hard time believing this one..

It was all revealed to me while eavesdropping on a phone conversation between Female Boss and some friend of hers. On its surface it seemed to me Female Boss was wasting more company time making random calls to unimportant entities. This went on for a good week or two. I really didn't pay much attention while they were going on but when I heard the recent news it all came together.

The conversation went something like this:

Female Boss started it off, "Hey Friend, I have great news! You know how I was commenting on your beautiful garden when I came by the other day? Well guess what!? I booked a wedding ceremony at your place two months from now!"

Angry Timers.. I am not kidding here. This was not a planned thing, this wasn't even something that was mentioned in passing. This was an outright surprise, if you will, planned by Female Boss that apparently, in her arid desert of a brain, didn't require any clearing with Friend or Friend's husband prior to making phone calls to fucking wedding planners!

Shockingly, Friend wasn't too enthusiastic of putting her house up for complete destruction within the two month period. Female Boss did her best to try and convince her that it was going to be great exposure for the property. This did not go over well either considering when she got off the phone Female Boss commented, "I guess they don't want their property shared with strangers."

I think my favorite selling point that Female Boss presented to Friend was:

"It'll be great. They said you can have all the leftover food!"

I'm really at a wall when it comes to this type of commentary. How someone could wake up in the morning and plan the life of two other people without consulting them first is beyond me. Sure, she's trying to be helpful, maybe get them some additional income.. fame.. anything.. but for fuck's sake when you don't communicate don't be shocked when people really dislike your fuckin meddling.

Let's Talk About Mars

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Aside from the fact that you people are the dumbest ever listening to the hype over the Mars, guess what else you stupid fucks? Just bcuz being 2 miles closer than its ever been, and the heap of dung that the internet tried to tell you that Mars is gonna be the size of the fuckin moon, doesn't mean shit. Now I know my Angry Timers aren't that fuckin stupid to believe that shit are you? Idiots. I bet a shit ton of you thought you were gonna see it. Even tho for the lead up weeks there was NO visible sign of it. Yeah.. that makes sense you titmouse. Cuz whenever things travel they appear instantly! Jeezus christ you idiots piss me off. The level of stupidity is off the charts. However, I will offer you some hope, cuz Female Boss has one-upped the shit outta all you with her latest in bout of stupidity.

Here's the conversation damn near word for word that I had with her a few days back:

Female Boss starts it off, "I think this whole Mars thing plays havoc on people's brain."

I lift my head up using the strength of my eyeballs. You know what I'm talking about.. when you are so fed up with life that you can just roll your eyes up into the back of your head and your chin follows suit. Try it if you don't believe me, shit head.

"How?" I ask, opening the mental retardation satchel that would be most equivalent to what we know as Pandora's Box.

"I don't know."

So not only has Female Boss evolved to the point where she can answer a follow up question without exhausting her entire body in the process but her insight is just unbelievable. Taken aback by such powerful words I slink back into my work.. thinking to myself Please, shut up. Please, shut up. Please, shut up.

"Maybe it depresses people."

The more and more time I spend here the more I feel like Female Boss works for the media. Her laziness and ability to say shit that no one gives a fuck about is astonishing. She really has a gift that mainly members of the media are blessed with. Irrelevant discussion coupled with mindless drivel. This conversation is only doomed to get better.

"I mean look at all the things that happened in the last two weeks with the hurricanes and stuff."

Two completely different thoughts that have nothing to do with each other and I imagine that she confused hurricanes for tornadoes considering thats pretty much whats been in the news. Unless she is that dumb. Hmm, ok. After further review, its a coin flip, so get it over with and move on. Then the hobo ramblings begin..

"Thing is everyone is acting really strange."

Oh, really? I haven't noticed, you whore! Unless you're talking about people going out of their way to waste my fucking time with mindless conversation! That must be what you're talking about..

"Shouldn't NASA be telling us? I mean, they can detect waves of energy. I'm pretty sure they can measure it."

Hoping to end the stupidity from impregnating me I just concur with her.

"Yeah, I'd imagine they can."

Measuring the waves of energy that depress people! NASA is much further advanced than I thought! The problem is that they aren't telling us. Those erudite fucks!! I hope Female Boss really follows up on this breaking story.. and then shares with me her findings...

Boss Warfare 2

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I thought I'd go ahead and resurrect this series again. See if I can't bring the numbered stuff back into the blog. I am finding a bit more time to post now so maybe I can get these 40-some stories written that I have on deck. Irrational reactions abound in this here series of shorts.

Scenario #1: Male Boss is in a rather punchy mood today. He has been screwing around with Female Boss, verbally, all afternoon. Female Boss is in no mood for it which forces Male Boss to continue berating her. Now, the lot of us would assume that in order to get another human being peeved it would take some harsh shit; however, Male Boss plays Female Boss like a fiddle. The simplest of things can send Female Boss through the roof. Such as:

"Wow, the dining room is smelling like shit!" says Male Boss coming into the office.

Female Boss ignores him.

"You let the dogs back there to shit? It smells like shit all in the lunch area."

"Please!!!" screams Female Boss slamming her hands down on her keyboard. She hit the damn thing so hard that some of the keys popped out.. which I had to put back into place. Bright red, Female Boss couldn't do any more work until I fixed her keyboard.. she might have realized she's a bit nuts.. might have..

Scenario #2: This one was rather odd. Female Boss has a friend, a Plastic, that she rarely ever hangs out with but she talks to all the time over the phone. I have never met the lady but we talk like we have met cuz she calls so often. Apparently Female Boss is going out with her for the evening and Male Boss doesn't like her. We'll call her Jamba cuz she has brought up smoothies all week with me on the phone for some reason.

Shocked, Male Boss asks, "You're going out with Jamba!?"

"Yeah, I haven't seen her in a while and I want to catch up with her," says Female Boss.

"You don't know what you're talking about. She has AIDS!"

I have no clue what that means but Female Boss got so pissed off she stormed out of the office for the rest of the day. It might be true or Female Boss might be psychotic. Possibly.. err rather, likely, both. Oh life..

Vegas: Last Day

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

The last day of Vegas is always weighed with circumstantial Pros and Cons. You never leave Vegas feeling completely the same way you have during any prior trip. For some I know they can't get outta there quick enuff. For others they are already long gone with early morning flights.

For me, it was rather bitter sweet. With how much fun I really had on the weekend its hard to just get up and leave. On the other hand, the three hours of sleep and bottle of Belvedere I have in my system when its 11am is racking my body. Saying goodbye to the friends under those conditions is always a laugh. Its a laugh bcuz you see the pain in the other guys you were with the night prior and you get to hear all the great stories passed along.

The final story I am going to share with you, I believe, happened on Saturday night. I could be completely wrong, it coulda been Friday. All I know is it was Tom Foolery, another fellow Angry Timer's, birthday. Good old Tom Foolery. Last year in Vegas I think he was sober the first 1.5 hours of the trip only cuz he couldn't get drunk on such a short flight. From that point on he was shit-housed. Now take a guy that drinks like that for no particular occasion and slam him in Vegas on his birthday weekend. However, this is the only story worthy of Angry Time print this year.

Tom Foolery and mO RLY (Morly) are both heavy drinkers. To my knowledge the drinking started way early in the day and reaching the point of surly and degenerate behavior is long passed. They are both at the point of indifference. The two men stroll over to the Poker Room and wish to get on a table. Tom Foolery is a pretty big gambler, he likes to bring a good amount and bet pretty big. Both Tom Foolery and mO RLY get in with no problems. I mean come on, they may be drunk but if they're gonna play poker they gotta be able to pull off the poker face to get in without much suspicion, right?

It is done. Now this is the story told to me by Tom Foolery himself: Apparently he walks in with mO RLY. Tom Foolery takes a seat at a poker table. He begins to gamble. He really doesn't remember how well he did, the only truths at that point of the night is that he is A) Drunk as shit and B) Gambling with his buddy.

Time passes, Tom Foolery is still both drunk and gambling. So far so good. He looks around for a bit to shoot the breeze with mO RLY. Good ol' mO RLY. Wait a second. Whe.. Where's mO RLY??

Tom Foolery is angry. He looks at the dealer, "Hey, where the fuck is my friend?"

Dealer responds, "Sir, you can't say fuck to the dealer."

Tom Foolery is insulted. That guy didn't just say that to Mr. Foolery, an esteemed gambler.. of sorts! Tom Foolery, with eyes glazed, focuses in on the three dealers in front of him and picks up his chips.

"Why don't you go fuck yourself."

Go take on the week!!

Vegas: Gambling 101 - Part III

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

The perfect storm is brewing. We have all the craps heavy-weights bellying up to the craps table. Legions of the fallen that have come before us are represented by dozens of stacks of chips guarded by the pit boss and two other dealers. The battlefield is set. We're deep enuff to do some damage. Its on.

I walk up to the table. There's no excitement.. not a good sign for craps. I get behind the table and right next to the dealer and set up camp.. then I cash in. Babs has the dice and finishes up rolling rather quickly. I didn't get much action on her rolls.. not sure if she hit any points or not. After she is done rolling, Babs and Equis leave.. no luck thus far. The shooting goes over to my brother.

Everyone is cashing in and getting situated. Memn is to my left, first time ever at a craps table. I tell him assuredly to just mirror me and play whatever odds he wants cuz I usually do max odds on "Pass Line" and "Come" bets.

Sidebar: I am not 100% sure how many points my brother or I hit but give or take 1 point for my own personal margin of error. Oh and another thing, I may use the word "dice" when I should use the word "die".. go fuck yourself if you have a problem with it.

My brother picks up the rocks and starts shootin. We're getting bets out there and before we know it he hits a good 4 points. We're starting off up at the table. That is usually a good sign but the dice is moving from my brother to foreign shooters on the opposite, far side of the table. Being gamblers we stay on the Pass Line and of the four or five shooters that have at it we pretty much stay even or maybe even gain a bit. I would say most of them hit at least 1 point if not two. Things are shaping up for this table to catch fire. The fact that strangers are keeping us afloat is huge. By last year we'd already be on our last leg.

Aww, shit! Maybe not. The dealer pushes the dice to me. I'll have you all know I am not the guy you wanna bet on in craps. I suck at craps. I love to play craps but I am no shooter. The only thing keeping me from passing is the day prior I played craps for 20 minutes and actually rolled a good dozen times without crapping out and made some cash for myself playing the Field.

For those that don't know, the Field is basically the numbers that aren't the most popular to hit. They are the rag tag bunch. You also get paid double odds on snake eyes and triple odds on double box cars (12). As sad as it sounds, these are my numbers. I roll the gayest crap you've ever seen. I know this, so I tell my friends, "Play the fuckin' field!"

The dice are comin out. I start hitting the stupidest numbers known to man. I am rolling Field numbers non stop and actually have a Field number as my point. I am keeping anywhere from $15 to $20 on the Field every time I roll. When all was said and done I hit the snake eyes twice and the double box cars once. I rolled 19 times +/-, hit 3 points and probably didn't roll a Field number twice. I made a good chunk of change off of my crap rolls. Did my friends listen to me and bet the Field with me? Of course not. My gain.

The next shooter up is Memn. New comer. He doesn't wanna shoot the dice after my ridiculous display. Everyone tells him to pick up the fuckin' dice. Damn good thing he did too. The man starts shootin like a champ. Hittin point after point and loading up the Come bets with numbers he is knocking down as well. After all was said and done I think the guy banged out 9 points for us. For those that don't know, this is huge. To hit 9 points you are rolling a good 35 times easy. He champed it up for sure.

We're all impressed, especially this older gentleman to Memn's left, The Next Shooter. This guy has been goin nuts, bettin big and winning really well since we strode up to the table. He's definitely a bigger gambler than us with quarters out on the table instead of nickels. The good thing is that he's gettin the jokes and laughing at my unique sense of humor. We all like this guy. The bad news is his wife is giving him the eye to get the hell off the table since he's up. He tells her that he's gonna shoot and they can leave. We wonder how he's gonna fare with a pair of dice in his hand.

The Next Shooter comes out and hits a couple points. Unfortunately, that was all he could muster. He shot maybe a dozen times or so, knocked down a Come bet for us but thats about it. He cashes out from the table up $1500. He's a happy man. We're sad to see him go.. but fret not! Cuz the bottom line is that he made us some money and the table remains heated for our two star shooters: RaeRae and Daku.

RaeRae is the next in line. A few years back RaeRae and Daku helped spark a blood bath in the Aladdin. We were at the table for a good 4-5 hours and just raped them dry. I think RaeRae rolled 51 times that afternoon and Daku rolled upwards of 70 and some lady with a voice deeper than any of us rolled in the 60s to 70s as well. That was something we've been talking about ever since. Today would be different.

RaeRae picks up the dice and starts chuckin em. Being the loud and obnoxious guy that I am, I keep the noise at the table up. I am the hype man. Its my job to keep the morale and the chatter going for our star shooters. The other side of the table finds me annoying as do my friends but I keep it up, shouting and clapping before every roll "Come on RaeRae!"

RaeRae does more than just that. He starts knockin down numbers, clearing Come bets and hittin the Hard Ways like its nobody's business. He's an unstoppable force. The table starts getting in on my hype. "Come on RaeRae! Come on RaeRae!" starts coming from the dealers even! We are regular yearly comers at the Luxor, most of the craps dealers know us. They know we tip if we win.. they are on our side, much to the chagrin of the pit boss. He wasn't ready for what we were bringing today.

"Come on RaeRae! Come on RaeRae!" Boom! Another point knocked down and the table erupts. More Hard Way bets are thrown down on the table, RaeRae doesn't disappoint. He's hitting Hard Ways almost every time he rolls an even number. The tide of the table is completely in RaeRae's corner. He surpasses his 35th roll, still gunnin. 40th roll comes out, still hittin numbers!

Dealer change comes up. They change out every 15-20 minutes it seems. No biggie. However, this time there's something brewing. The dealers aren't communicating well on the switch. This lady dealer doesn't understand who has what bets. Its bad. She starts arguing with Setty. RaeRae and I are getting pissed. He doesn't roll for at least 5 minutes. He comes out right after the bullshit scene and smacks down another point. That'll learn em to try and cool the table.

Then, not but a few rolls later, the lady dealer starts questioning shit again! It seems blatant. I don't like it. What the hell is her deal?, I keep thinkin to myself. Then, this whore does the unthinkable. All Come and Hard Way bets come down and are passed back to us. I'm furious. RaeRae has been hitting every number in the book and the House brings down the bets. Total bullshit. Its in their favor for sure and everyone starts replenishing their Hard Ways. The problem is you can't replenish Come bets unless you start re-betting. The shit of it is that every Come bet placed is a Come bet that shoulda been paid out. Total crap. We're all peeved.

This doesn't phase RaeRae tho. This huge, stoic, beast of a man from the other side of the craps table echoes my calls to hype the table back up, he booms out "Come on Rae!" I think the whole casino shook. RaeRae heeds the call. More shots come out, more money is made. The same guy then sets down $5 Hard Way bets for RaeRae. A player betting for another player, that's class. I take a look at this guy's chip stash. He has a complete row of black chips and then some. He has another mini row forming of purples ($500s). No wonder he's betting for RaeRae, he's paying off his house playing craps with us!

RaeRae continues. He rolls a good 10 more times, then bad voodoo starts breaking out. Some lady is trying to squeeze in between Setty and Daku. "That's not a spot, lady" says one of the dealers to her.

She ignores them and this goes on until she gets the point. RaeRae is continuing to cool down. Then, an argument breaks out on the far end of the table. Some stupid whore on that end has a $10 Pass Line bet out with like 15 chips backing it up as her odds.. that's way too much money. She's an idiot. The dealer tells her as much. RaeRae rolls during this discussion. Bad business... by the time the stupid whore understands she has to take off some chips she instead moves all of her odds from behind the Pass Line to the middle of the Come bet area! This is where RaeRae has shot every.. single.. roll.. RaeRae shoots, he hits the chip stack.. he rolls a snake eyes.

Let me give you some perspective here, we are on roll #50 and RaeRae hasn't rolled one crappy dice roll this entire streak. He hits that stupid bitch's chip stack and a crap number surfaces. We're all pissed. RaeRae is holding in his rage. He takes the dice and shoots again. His next roll is a 3. Another crappy dice roll. Mother fuck!

I shake out the bad mojo from my wrists and look at RaeRae, "Its getting icky here."

Next roll. "Seven."

Piece of shit! Then, perspective. 54 total rolls, 11 points. RaeRae boasts that the huge guy's Hard Way bets for RaeRae earned him an additional $200. I look down at my chip stack. I am not at a "full" spot on the craps table but I have bridged the canyon of an entire row with greens ($25). We all give RaeRae a huge round of applause.

Setty's next up. He fires away and gets us two points. I'll take it. Even money if not a little in the positive. No problem. The guy that's next up to shoot is some random clown. I dash to the restroom as my bladder was about to burst when we first started shooting.

By the time I get back to the table the random shooter is out and Daku has already commenced rolling. Daku is the satin gloved roller of all the craps players. RaeRae has set the bar high, we are praying that Daku can keep it up.

He hits a point, sweet. Without recanting the entire tale it was without much spark. Daku did hit a few points tho. We made money off him. My brother was the next up. I look his way. He already has his chips down on the table in front of him. I nod, time to go. We're up and we best walk away now. We destroyed the table and ended on a great roll. We pack up and cash out.

Everyone won between about $400 and $1400. The $400ish went to Memn cuz he bet conservatively being his first time ever at a craps table. Hell, if I made that much my first time at a craps table I'd be stoked. My brother took the $1400 spot being a bigger gambler than the rest of us. I did really well. It was my first time walking away from a table with a yellow chip ($1000). Makes you wonder how much The Next Shooter woulda won if he'd have stayed. Great times. Not bad for nearly three hours of playing craps. That's how its done.

Vegas: Gambling 101 - Part II

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

When winning, there's no funner game than craps. There's no game that pits the collective of gamblers against the house better than craps. Whenever you walk into a casino and there's noise being made, its at a craps table. You don't hear it like that anywhere else on the floor. When a table is hot, the energy is incredible. The problem is that its not a sure fire game. Shocking I know but truth be told.. Vegas wasn't built off of donations from winners.

Before getting into the craps story I'd like to knock out a tale regarding 3 Card Poker. Now I haven't played this one at Vegas before. Its pretty fun. Low odds, high payout. My friend and another fellow Angry Timer, Bonky, followed me to watch me lose my ass playing this table game. He's never seen the game before so I am explaining to him how it all works, the different bets, how you get paid and how you are playing with the 3 cards dealt you and only those 3. I win my first hand and the pit boss calls for a new deck. Great..

Using the time effectively I continue to try and explain the game to Bonky. I am not sure if he's getting it cuz I don't think I was doing a good job. Not the biggest deal, the new cards are good to go and being dealt. I lose a couple hands telling him the way of the game further. Bonky then glances at the odds on the table and questions, "Hmm, wonder what a straight flush looks like in 3 card."

I flip over my hand and tell him, "Just like that." The bad news is that I didn't have a crazy bet out. Just a triple bet of tenners on the ante, the paid plus and the play bets. Either way it was over $250 so I just walked away to grab some el lunche. I hope the next time Bonky watches me gamble on Megabucks he says, "I wonder what winning the jackpot looks like."

Wow, this is going to be a long post. I think its gonna have to be a three parter. Sorry guys but I don't want to short change the happenings that Saturday morning so you're gonna get the set up to the craps table and you're gonna have to deal with it. Here's how the lead up started tho.

I head up to go grab a sangwich from Quizno's with Gatsu and deBACLe. Without boring you of tales of double scoop frozen yogurt desserts, all you need know is that Daku comes up to the dining area and informs me that a $5 craps table just opened up. This is huge cuz playing $10 craps on my budget or anyone's budget that isn't in the multiple thousands is an expensive venture. With the thought of $5 craps on a Saturday afternoon in my head I charge up to the room and head back down to the floor with Gatsu.

On our way up to the room we run into the lucky roulette guesser from the night before, Setty. He's in. On the way back down from the room our floor stops on the 16th floor. In steps another one of us, Memn. I tell him $5 craps table. He says he's never played before. That doesn't stop him with a bit of coercion on my part. By the time we make it to the table the line up is as follows: Myself, my brother, Memn, RaeRae, Equis and Babs, Setty and Daku with Gatsu and Beardbar waiting in the wings. It shaped up to be strong showing. The stars definitely aligned themselves this day but I cannot help but compare it to the year prior.

The prior year was a pathetic display. We were about 10 deep coming out of a brunch buffet and decided that hitting the craps table would result in an easy victory. Damn were we mistaken. I can only speak for myself but I know I lost $250 in about an hour last year. On a $5 table that really means that the only thing happening was the table being set up for a run and being knocked down. That's pretty much how I remember it. The truly sad thing is that we played the "Don't Pass Line" about 20% of the time to keep ourselves afloat.. to no avail. We were scattered and decimated. However this year would be different. This year vengeance was on the agenda. Come back tomorrow for the long and drawn out writings of Vegas: Gambling 101 - Part III.

Vegas: Gambling 101 - Part I

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

What's a Vegas trip without a lil gambling? We definitely go there for the opportunity to cry victory in the middle of the casino and this year's trip among the friends was no exception. As I mentioned before, I wasn't packing as much cash as I usually do, about half as much, hence hanging out by the pool. It matters not, you can only hope to contain the dragon. With that said, this is another two part series. Next one will be on Monday.

This will be a two day tale of triumph. Friday night I stayed away from the tables for the most part. Mostly due to the fact that I had a whole lotta sake in me and I don't like to gamble drunk. I know, I know.. everyone says that gambling drunk is the best cuz you are numb to losing and winning while drunk is insane.. I'll just take your word for it. When I get wealthy enuff to not care at all when I lose I'll do it, till then I at least want to make a memory.

So we get back to the casino from Nobu and fools are hittin the tables. I am in the background bullshittin with a few other guys. A fellow Angry Timer, Setty, was getting his ass handed to him on the blackjack tables. He comes off the tables pretty pissed off. So using my superior intellect I offered him some sage advice:

"You gotta play something that you hate, you know, switch it up a bit."

Setty throws my advice to the wind. That's usually a fatal mistake. Luckily he is my friend.

"What's the game you hate worst of all?"

"Roulette," he answers.

"Go play roulette!!"

Again, ignored. Thankfully another Angry Timer, Daeth, was listening in on our conversation. He strolls up to Setty and begs him but one request, "Setty, give me a number between 1 and 36."

Without hesitation Setty answers, "21."

Daeth turns his back on the conversation and makes his way to the roulette table some 20 feet away. He places down a $20 bill, cash bet. I stood back with another Angry Timer, Gatsu, with a smug look smacked on my face knowing exactly what was going to unfold. The group of friends is at least 20 deep. Everyone starts to buzz not knowing what all is going on. The wheel starts and the number is but seconds away from being decided.

You know the outcome. I am not even going to glorify the fact that when I am right I am right. There's no point. Just take one thing away from you.. when Northe offers you any type of advice, just listen and comply. Simple as that. Listen.. and comply. Its Friday sirs, get 'em in.

Vegas: How We Do's It

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I guess I have a couple extra stories to tell so this series of tales will go into next week. I was hoping to have wrapped this all up in one package by Friday; however, doing that would only short change my fellow Angry Timers. So let's move on to post-plantar blisters to later on that evening. Sushi Night! Its a celebration, bitches!

Like many things I do with my time I do it high class. Class, class, class. Hah, yeah right. Tho I will go high class a bit of the time in Vegas. Sushi is definitely that way. If you haven't been to Nobu in the Hard Rock you should definitely go if you have the cash to a) pay for overpriced sushi and b) for the miso black cod. Other than that, the new age sashimi is pretty good and the spicy crab is up there too. The cuts of fish are great quality and the fusion of stuff makes it worth it. I am pretty spoiled when it comes to sushi so the regular sushi orders themselves aren't anything better than what I eat at home.

Angry Time suggests: go for the fancy dishes and live it up.

Ok, enuff with that bullshit. If I haven't mentioned it before, I love sake. Nigori sake to be precise. First off, its unfiltered so it looks like milk. If you're a visual pussy stay away from it. Secondly, its cold. Hot sake is crap. I'd rather drink my rubbing alcohol cold, you should too. Third, it is not super expensive and shooting sake gets the job done quickly. With 10 of us at the round table in Nobu we decided to take down 8 total bottles of sake and make the alcohol tab just over 1/4 of the total bill fee. Now that's good times.

With alcohol surging thru our systems we were loud, obnoxious and easily the funniest people in the restaurant. We had to have been cuz I was laughing so hard that even the servers would pass by laughing.. and it definitely wasn't bcuz we looked like idiots. Um... So this next joke, the whole reason behind the post, is not for everyone. I mean you'll get the punchline and all but the lead-up is for the nerds among us. Sorry, just skim it and find out what the last thing said was and get a kick out of it.

It has to do with World of Warcraft, I know about 50% of my readers play the game so thats why I feel its appropriate to tell this one. We are at the table talking shit about how we decimated our PvP server without being a zerg guild blah blah blah. Thats another story irrelevant to Angry Time. Anyway, a fellow Angry Timer, Annoxa, starts going off on a drunken rant. He is a druid, they don't kill fast, they are survivors, he makes this clear by shouting this at the top of his lungs. His volume returns to normal levels. Let's get one thing straight, normal levels for Annoxa is enuff to have only our neighboring tables hear him with perfect clarity. He continues and tells a story about being jumped by some Alliance fag elves and how it takes them forever to kill him. I'll quote him from here on out:

"Yeah, those fucking Alliance pussies. They come out like 3 or 4 of them to try and kill me, wearing those faggot fucking frost turbans from AV."

Then, he decides to turn up the volume to where everyone in the restaurant can hear him.

"Fucking stupid turban wearing mother fuckers!"

Oh, good. What better thing to say? Our whole table erupts in a giant, drunken burst of laughter. I raise my hand half-standing up. "Yes, yes, we are racists." Sushi, sake, friends.. you can never lose. Do it!

Vegas: Poolside - Part II

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Angry Time wasn't over quite yet for the morning. With three daiquiris working their way thru my system I wanted to get another. I perk my curious noggin up and that damn drink lady wasn't in sight. I have to go to the bar which is two pools away. Fuck! So, I get up and start heading over to the bar.

Hmm, that's curious, I think to myself as each step I take leaves a layer of skin melted on the deck of the pool area. Well shit, ain't this a daisy, I think to myself as I know stopping will only result in my feet permanently stuck. By this time of the day there are now hundreds of people out here and if there's anything a prick like me with alcohol in his system can't do is I can't look like a bitch, not now! I press on, in excruciating pain, and I finally spy a puddle of water. I reach the water, my feet have never felt so good. I stand in it for about 2 minutes completely cooling my feet. Ok idiot, you gotta move.. people are starting to notice. I muster up the courage to charge for the bar as I am within about 50 feet.

Just go and don't stop, quick like a bunny! The first step I take is roughly 14 times worse than the last step I took. I hold back the urge to scream like a stuck pig and make it to the shade of the bar. The shade didn't even feel good. I broad jump at least 38 feet onto the damp carpet and just stand there. The bartender asked me what I wanted twice before I even acknowledged him.

I order another daiquiri. I think after the first one I ordered he kinda scoffed at me. This time he insulted me and put a fuckin cherry in my drink. I plucked it out of my drink and wrapped his dollar tip around the cherry and placed it back on the drink counter. I walked away with a macho spring in my step while sucking down my slurpee.

FUCK!!!

I gotta walk back. I honestly think if I looked at my feet they would have been sloughing skin. They were likely burnt to either a roasted red hue or a golden brown, either way I wanted to shove the straw in my drink thru my ear and into my brain. I leaped like a gazelle from puddle to puddle, into the first pool, over to shade, onto unoccupied chairs, waved at hot chicks and smiled thru the excruciating agony, all the while screaming every bad word and phrase I could think of in my head.

After all this, I was only half way back to my chair, standing on the opposite side of the pool that I was seated near. I still had to make it to the other side. So I waded into the pool with drink in hand and crossed that shit as if I was Moses himself. Lifeguards blew whistles and screamed at me as the thought of my red beverage would taint their blend of sweat, feces, urine and that filmy layer of sun tan lotion that they refer to as "the pool."

I ignored the jeers and made it to the other end and where my chair was without talking any shit back. I was pretty proud of myself. I definitely woulda been kicked out and I had a drink to enjoy, the alcohol made me keep my mouth shut and worked out nicely.

My pride quickly turns back to the pain in my feet. I am pretty sure I bloodied up the pool with my mangled feet but screw it. I returned to my chair greeted by laughter from the couple to my right. They totally saw me dying and took pleasure in my pain. What can I do? I was a total fool. I took a seat and looked down thru the vinyl ribbons of the chair, I shall never leave you again, I said to my flip flops that I brought out by the pool for that very reason. Well done Northe, well done.

Vegas: Poolside - Part I

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Alright. Off the bat I am sure that 90% of you are wondering what the hell Northe is doing out by the pool while at Las Frikkin Vegas. Well lemme tell ya. I didn't have a lot of money to gamble with this year, like I said before, so I was doing my very best to stay outside of the casinos unless absolutely necessary. Before I get criticized further just know that I walked out of Vegas with nearly $500 more than what I came in with so winner, winner chicken dinner for me. Eat it.

Basically I woke up at the crack of dawn on Friday cuz I didn't stay up late. See above paragraph for repetitive explanation. I find out the pool opens up at 8am and I head on over there after a few laps around the casino and seeing that no one I went to Vegas with was awake or at least gambling yet. The crazy shit is that it was actually cooler out in Vegas than it was in L.A. There's no humidity in Vegas and that was very welcome considering how insanely nasty it was the last week and a half out in L.A.

I go ahead and grab a few towels from the stand and find out that I am about the first one out there. I see 600 chairs or so, I pick what I deem to be the best one. Thirty minutes into my cooktime I go wade into the chilly waters. That damn cold pool sucks for about 30 seconds and then it feels great. I stay in for about 10 minutes bullshitting on the phone with my friend. I get out and look back in my chair's direction. Mind you, there are literally hundreds of chairs all over this 2 pool area and a whole other section with two other pools and hundreds more chairs. So imagine my blood starting to boil when I turn to see my entire row packed with people and no where else. I am pissed.

I had this one couple to my right, whatever not that big of a deal. The guy ended up being real cool and bought me a pair of strawberry daquiris, before the end of my visit to the pool. Before I get shit about that you fucks, they didn't have Belvedere out by the pool so I'll take a thirst quencher. Before you say beer, I hate beer, so shut the hell up. Daquiris bitch! Alcoholic slurpee! If you can plug up the testosterone dripping out your nose for two seconds you can appreciate having a flavorful, chilled drink while poolside in 100+ degree weather.

The biggest problem was the lady and by lady I mean hippo and by hippo I mean zeppelin that took the end chair on my left. Once I notice her I head back into the pool and commence shit talking about her to my friend so I could actually head back and continue baking myself without being vocal. That's one of my personality traits, once I have pent up steam about anything I need to pry open the release valve or its gonna come out in more distasteful fashion or in a more inappropriate time. Upon careful examination of this behemoth, I was reminded of a childhood memory, maybe you can relate:

I take you back to the times when Disney actually made good movies, tho this wasn't that great in my opinion, it was more of an experience.. much like the nausea unfurling in my stomach. Let me put it to you this way, if I was an alligator with a cape and feathered pimp hat I would have been doing pirouettes with this mammoth. She wore a one piece that words only fail to describe, maybe the image will help. I shit you not this is exactly what she wore. The only difference was instead it was a pastel color, some sort of bluish purple.. fear not tho, it was equally repulsive. Oh, ballet..

The thing that really pissed me off tho is that neither party, to my left or my right, decided that moving the chairs inches away from my chair was a good idea. Seriously, its just dumb, we are but a few people out there and we should have mere millimeters separating us? I eventually made my way back to my chair holding in my stomach bile long enuff to politely asked her to scoot her shit the fuck over. She had to get up and rearrange and all this nonsense.. it probably took her about 3 minutes. Do I feel bad? No. I will not compromise my comfort nor have my portion of the sun blocked by this beast. She actually moved her shit about a foot away from me and I couldn't have been happier. The angry guy wins.

That's only Part One of my morning. Part Two tomorrow.

Vegas '06

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I am not gonna get into reasons to go to Vegas nor even, really, what all went down while I was there with myself and about 30 of my closest friends. What I am gonna do is stick to the tradition of this here blog and point out the fun times Vegas offers when you go with some great people and have a different perspective on people in general.

I arrive in Vegas on Thursday. I decide that since I don't have as much money to gamble with as I usually do its in my best interest to take it easy for the evening and avoid playing at the tables. I go ahead and meet up with about 20 individuals that have landed the same evening.. I head up to the local eatery where they're all at, order myself a yard long margarita in preparation to see if I can't get a "first down" before the end of the night. Much to my chagrin, the alcohol did nothing for me with my first $25 drink so I wasn't going to continue. Without a buzz on that much liquid I would have spent more time in the restroom than I could berating vacationing citizens so, like I said, I opted to stop.

Around the time I finish my the dissatisfying beverage the food started coming around the table and I decided a stuffed steak quesadilla would suit me just right. It was definitely tasty. Then comes the typical bullshit of dealing with a lot of friends. You got it.. the bill. Somehow by the end of the meal I had to pay $18 for my quesadilla cuz cheap ass fucks either don't remember what sales tax is or are too cheap to tip or are just trying to get over on us. Either way its horseshit and continued to be part of the ongoing theme in Vegas that weekend.

Bottom line is if you can't do basic arithmetic and actually round up to the nearest dollar or maybe even two dollars, don't fuckin come out or, just make it easy on all of us, ask for your own bill. It gets tired having to babysit and throw down extra money during every group meal. Its an extra dollar or two! Big fuckin deal. The kicker is its the same type of jackfucks that'll shortchange on the fuckin meals and shit but go down and drop a few hundred bucks into a slot machine or on a table game.. but an extra couple bucks to pay off a restaurant bill, "Fuck that! No way!" Jackasses.

Ok, here's the deal on this shit, I have a story for each of the days in Vegas. Considering that I was only there for a handful of hours that Thursday, that's all you get. I'll post about each day, only the worthy Angry Time shit, until Sunday the day of departure. Come back tomorrow for more.

Offspring

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

There was probably a time when I thought that this scourge of stupidity that plagues my office environment was somewhat contained.. that the concentration of idiocy was at its greatest possible height within this place. I thought that this was the hive, the mother brain of the infection. Sure, I know there are plenty of idiots around the world, you see them plastered all over our newspapers, magazines and on TV all the time. Tho when I came to work, I really thought I had tapped into the source. In due time, with an analytical mind and a critical eye, I proved myself wrong. Perhaps it was more of a safety mechanism. It would make me feel better to pretend that I was working for business professionals that lack the ability to load paper into printers properly or consistently remember how "Cut and Paste" works and that was the worst humanity could offer in the range of straight dumb people. Alas, I was wrong. There are many equal and greater examples out there. The truth of the matter is that we, Angry Timers, are the few "normal" people. Unfortunately, by design, being normal we have cornered ourselves into really being a minority of two-percenters. Chin up, everyone.. chin up..

I get a phone call.

"Hi, how are you doing this is Client calling from Client's Office."

Huh, someone I haven't spoken to at this company before. I wonder if he's a new guy. Oh well, lemme just introduce myself and carry on.

"How ya doin, this is Northe. What can I help you with?"

"Well I was wondering, is this your fax number?"

Hmm, this is a noodle scratcher. You called this number and a person answered the phone. Wait a second, do I hear that funny fax noise..... no, no I don't. Ok, I'll give this clod some credit, maybe he thinks I have to turn on the machine in order to accept a fax. Let's get things straight with this jiggling vegetable before I jump to assumptions.

"The number that you're calling me on?"

"Yes, is this your fax number?"

Target analysis complete. Specificity is the enemy. Proceed with extreme sarcasm.

"Yeah, is your fax machine loaded with what you want to fax cuz I'm not getting anything right now."

"It has three papers.." ...Wow! The way this guy is climbing up the stupidity ladder is pretty impressive. Better take it easy on this fool, after all, I dislike picking on the mentally retarded.

"Hey, I'm kidding, champ. This is the office number. Do you need the fax number?"

"Well I have two numbers, one says 'Office' the other says 'Cell' so I wanted to try one for the fax number."

I seriously hate the fact that I don't work for my own company. I would be able to chew this idiot out and laugh about it with the higher-ups at Client's company for days on end. Instead I have to play patty-cake with someone I would sooner bludgeon to death with a candlestick.

"Client, are you serious? I don't think you have our fax number."

I think forcing enlightenment on the guy is the next best thing. Let's see if my gentle nudge can give him some realization.

"Well, I guess I should get the fax number from you then."

"Very good, its xxx-xxx-xxxx."

"Thanks, I'll fax it right over."

Three minutes later I have a fax machine dialing the office line.. not the fax line. I call the Client back. I instruct him to punch the new number I gave him into the fax machine as the number he has is dialing on the fax machine is our office number.

"Which number?" asks the guy that is about .4 seconds away from the beating of his life.

He's now wasting my time so I am going to do my part in juicing it for all its worth, I am positive the guy is not mentally retarded so its game on. Making an example of his stupidity is totally fair. Plus, it makes me seem like I'm busy in front of the Bosses.

"Read off the numbers you have."

He reads off the office number and the cell number.

"We seem to have a problem here, bucko. What happened to the number I just gave you a few minutes ago?"

"I guess I can't find it."

"The number I just gave you, that you wrote down, you now cannot find? I suppose I should give you the number again?" I ask.

"Yes, please."

"Tell ya what, is Client2 there?"

"Client2? Umm, yeah, he is here."

"Lemme speak to him."

Client2 gets on the line. Client2 has been working at that company for a few years. He knows me fairly well.

"Hey Client2, its Northe. Can you write down this number, punch it in to the fax machine and maybe put it into a database where Client can access it without a problem in the future?"

Client2 is kinda miffed. He does what I say and the fax comes over. Client2 never spoke of the situation again to me. Further still, I never spoke to Client again. I would imagine that he was fired or was bumped back down to a duty a bit more fitting like scratching and burping. Let this be a warning to all.. the plague spreads.