Glad You're My Friend

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Lately, Female Boss has been nothing short of a recluse. I am talking about taking no calls from friends, not answering her cell phone and the social butterfly she sometimes can be has all but spun a cocoon of secrecy to hide in. Especially with the Plastics. The Plastics are her usual go-to girls for fun and excitement and she has been really stand-offish with them. It could be that she is finally learning to ignore the siren song of $150 dinners several nights a week that don't fill you up and the overall pretentious attitude that tends to make Female Boss that much more unbearable. Maybe its a good thing, maybe it will turn into a positive. Regardless of my unfounded and optimistic outlook for Female Boss' failing brain, I can tell you that her dodging The Plastics have resulted in her fucking up pretty royally.

For a couple weeks a particular Plastic was blowin up her cell phone and even the office line. I found it kind of odd cuz this particular Plastic isn't much on phone calls and stranger was that Female Boss would usually brush off her call saying that she didn't want to talk to her right now or that she would call her back. Way different, cuz 9 times outta 10 she'd have taken the phone call.. this is no longer the situation. Newly appointed as the office arbitrator, I am stuck with the task of getting rid of this whore and dealing with her nonstop questioning about why Female Boss is not calling her back. I grow weary of her pathetic assault on me and turn it around.

"She hasn't been returning your cell phone calls either, maybe you should get one of your other friends to call her and see if she calls back if you're so concerned."

This angers the Plastic. She thinks that a conspiracy is afoot yet does not adapt to the new challenge laid out in front of her by me. Nor does the Plastic have the smarts to tell me what the fuck she needs to communicate to Female Boss so we can get on with our lives. So, while I am caught between this terd sandwich.. and shut the fuck up idiots, I know how "turd" is spelled and it looks fuckin stupid so I spell it with an "e".. the way it should be spelled.. my world you bitches, deal with it.. and if you're coming here to study for the fuckin grammar rodeo or honing your skills for a spelling contest you came to the wrong fuckin website. Moving on.. being caught knee deep in the rotting brain matter of these two apes starts to enrage me further. Literally 3 weeks into the affair, the Plastic finally gives in to my demands and lets me know that she wanted to make sure that Female Boss was "attending" on Saturday, two weeks from then, as she has not heard from her.

Now that I have something a little more mucilaginous to hock at the gaping spitoon that is Female Boss' ability to process and act upon, I can only hope that it clings on for dear life long enuff for her to nip this shit in the bud. I regret to report that much like common sense, motor skills easily mastered by third graders, critical thinking, coherent thought, basic use and understanding of the english language and self respect.. Female Boss has failed to heed my call and it slips thru the grating to the void of her mind to be swallowed and further fuel her voracious appetite to fail in life. Female Boss even burps up a phrase I am able to understand:

"Probably another stupid party of hers."

No phone call back. No nothing. Just the continued avoidance of her Plastic cohort. So be it. I will play the game and I will play it according to my rules. Unfortunately, not much else is done over the next two weeks. I receive, maybe, a handful of calls from her to which I am forced to continue dodging and making excuses. Whatever. I give a fuck. Female Boss does to.. until the reveal the following Monday after the elusive Saturday!

I come into the office about 10 minutes early to get a jump start on some shit I did not finish the previous night. Female Boss is practically in tears on the phone making excuses for her pathetic existence to some chimp that likely has no clue what to do with the information spewing forth. Blubbering and writhing, Female Boss' display goes on for what seems to be an eternity. She must have received a dozen phone calls and made another dozen herself in the span of a couple hours. Slowly the pieces start to fall into place.

Turns out that Female Boss missed a fuckin wedding! Not just any wedding, the wedding of the Plastic that has been calling her for over a month! Correction.. not just the wedding of the Plastic that has been calling for over a month but the wedding of the Plastic that has been calling for over a month that Female Boss was supposed to be in!!! The stupid fuck Plastic was trying to communicate to Female Boss that she still hadn't picked up her dress, rehearsal dinner.. yadda yadda. Can you believe this shit? The best is that stupid fuckin whore never told me a thing. Never communicated to me the urgency of the whole dealy so I have no remorse.. she deserves nothing less than the cream of gene's pool she now wades in. Fuck her. The kicker is that Female Boss' friends had been leaving her messages on her cell too, in detail, about what was going on. Why did Female Boss not get any of the messages. Let me quote:

"I forgot my voicemail password and was too embarrassed to call my provider."

Hahaha. Wow. Well fuckin done, you idiot! I realize this one is another "close to home" post that if they ever stumble upon it will be my ass but some things are too good not to share. I put my life here at my job in the hands of fate. With the combined brain power of those I mock I would tend to put a healthy wager in my job security.