Offspring

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

There was probably a time when I thought that this scourge of stupidity that plagues my office environment was somewhat contained.. that the concentration of idiocy was at its greatest possible height within this place. I thought that this was the hive, the mother brain of the infection. Sure, I know there are plenty of idiots around the world, you see them plastered all over our newspapers, magazines and on TV all the time. Tho when I came to work, I really thought I had tapped into the source. In due time, with an analytical mind and a critical eye, I proved myself wrong. Perhaps it was more of a safety mechanism. It would make me feel better to pretend that I was working for business professionals that lack the ability to load paper into printers properly or consistently remember how "Cut and Paste" works and that was the worst humanity could offer in the range of straight dumb people. Alas, I was wrong. There are many equal and greater examples out there. The truth of the matter is that we, Angry Timers, are the few "normal" people. Unfortunately, by design, being normal we have cornered ourselves into really being a minority of two-percenters. Chin up, everyone.. chin up..

I get a phone call.

"Hi, how are you doing this is Client calling from Client's Office."

Huh, someone I haven't spoken to at this company before. I wonder if he's a new guy. Oh well, lemme just introduce myself and carry on.

"How ya doin, this is Northe. What can I help you with?"

"Well I was wondering, is this your fax number?"

Hmm, this is a noodle scratcher. You called this number and a person answered the phone. Wait a second, do I hear that funny fax noise..... no, no I don't. Ok, I'll give this clod some credit, maybe he thinks I have to turn on the machine in order to accept a fax. Let's get things straight with this jiggling vegetable before I jump to assumptions.

"The number that you're calling me on?"

"Yes, is this your fax number?"

Target analysis complete. Specificity is the enemy. Proceed with extreme sarcasm.

"Yeah, is your fax machine loaded with what you want to fax cuz I'm not getting anything right now."

"It has three papers.." ...Wow! The way this guy is climbing up the stupidity ladder is pretty impressive. Better take it easy on this fool, after all, I dislike picking on the mentally retarded.

"Hey, I'm kidding, champ. This is the office number. Do you need the fax number?"

"Well I have two numbers, one says 'Office' the other says 'Cell' so I wanted to try one for the fax number."

I seriously hate the fact that I don't work for my own company. I would be able to chew this idiot out and laugh about it with the higher-ups at Client's company for days on end. Instead I have to play patty-cake with someone I would sooner bludgeon to death with a candlestick.

"Client, are you serious? I don't think you have our fax number."

I think forcing enlightenment on the guy is the next best thing. Let's see if my gentle nudge can give him some realization.

"Well, I guess I should get the fax number from you then."

"Very good, its xxx-xxx-xxxx."

"Thanks, I'll fax it right over."

Three minutes later I have a fax machine dialing the office line.. not the fax line. I call the Client back. I instruct him to punch the new number I gave him into the fax machine as the number he has is dialing on the fax machine is our office number.

"Which number?" asks the guy that is about .4 seconds away from the beating of his life.

He's now wasting my time so I am going to do my part in juicing it for all its worth, I am positive the guy is not mentally retarded so its game on. Making an example of his stupidity is totally fair. Plus, it makes me seem like I'm busy in front of the Bosses.

"Read off the numbers you have."

He reads off the office number and the cell number.

"We seem to have a problem here, bucko. What happened to the number I just gave you a few minutes ago?"

"I guess I can't find it."

"The number I just gave you, that you wrote down, you now cannot find? I suppose I should give you the number again?" I ask.

"Yes, please."

"Tell ya what, is Client2 there?"

"Client2? Umm, yeah, he is here."

"Lemme speak to him."

Client2 gets on the line. Client2 has been working at that company for a few years. He knows me fairly well.

"Hey Client2, its Northe. Can you write down this number, punch it in to the fax machine and maybe put it into a database where Client can access it without a problem in the future?"

Client2 is kinda miffed. He does what I say and the fax comes over. Client2 never spoke of the situation again to me. Further still, I never spoke to Client again. I would imagine that he was fired or was bumped back down to a duty a bit more fitting like scratching and burping. Let this be a warning to all.. the plague spreads.