Brain Dead

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

"These websites.. I don't get it," starts Female Boss.

I can only imagine what kind of nonsense is gonna strike my medulla oblongota. Female Boss is fairly decent when it comes to computers and fairly retarded when it comes to them as well.. though I am sure you would agree that empirical evidence leans more towards the retardation of her computer skills than her know-how. Either way, I only know to expect the worst when she is bitching out loud about her computer. It is her way of getting my expert advice and more importantly my attention to stew in her anguish with her.

"Whats the problem?" I ask.

"Well its these stupid websites. I can never find anything when I use these search engines."

"Which one are you using?" as if it matters...

"I like Ask.com for the most part. It seems to be the easiest. I can just ask the guy what I want and he gives me the results from there but isn't there an easier way?"

Ok, I kinda gotta dissect this statement before I get to the question. "The guy" she is referring to is the cartoon image of a butler, as in, Ask Jeeves.. Mr. Jeeves, if you will. I really have no clue how far the metaphor goes, if it really is one, but for her to say that makes me question her ability to comprehend the internet at all. Female Boss is far too literal when it comes to certain things so it is a cause for concern to those around her that may care. I, for one, do not so we'll just move on.

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"Well, I ask Jeeves the question and he doesn't really understand what I mean."

"Give me an example of what you put in the search field."

"The what?" Jeezus....

"Just tell me what you type."

"Okay. Like this one for example. I want to find out about this store back in Jersey. I want to see if it still exists and what they sell now."

"Okay."

"So I type in the field, (roughly remembered by me) 'Does Store in City, New Jersey still sell Products and are they still at the same address?'"

I am dead ass serious. Female Boss is typing complete sentences into this shit with multiple questions as if someone is reading them and finding the information at the speed of light. I couldn't believe it.

Speechless at first, I finally came up with the right words, "What? Are you serious? Ask Jeeves isn't giving you the answer or website you're looking for with that specific of a question?"

"I know! I don't know why I have so much trouble with it sometimes."

I had to take deep breaths and take it easy. I am on the verge of laughing but I want to continue the conversation and see how absurd things get. I can't. I will crack. Bad poker face. Then, Female Boss speaks again:

"Well, I mean isn't there a website search engine that finds what I want without searching for it?"

I didn't say a word. I stood up from my desk and went straight to the restroom. I had to laugh and have some "me-time" to contemplate the hilarity and stupidity of the statement. A search engine that finds what you want without you physically doing anything to generate a search for it! What the hell does that even mean!? Are we talking about a mind reading website? Isn't that what it boils down to? What the fuck is she thinking!? I dunno, Mexi, maybe I need to hire a taxidermist...