Double Cha-jee

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Back in the day a buncha my friends used to go grub sushi at this all-you-can-eat spot that was pretty good. The spot was definitely the place to grub down. It was like $25 for all the sushi you could muster in an hour and the quality, tho not top notch, was up there. The other plus about the place is that it was all-you-can-eat at the sushi bar only. So get the picture of some buffet style slopfest outta your head.

After a while of getting to know the sushi guys we started becoming revered patrons of the establishment. We'd walk in, get treated like kings and the fish would start heaping up in front of us. Even the manager would start talkin shit to us. We'd order certain things and he'd yell out with a thick accent, "Double cha-jee!" Which means double charge. It was funny ass shit and likely you had to be there to appreciate the humor. So, going on to what the day's latest brings at Angry Time..

Apparently Female Boss decided on getting a really nice care package for our top client for no specific reason. Essentially its a show of gratitude, something that will bring our two companies closer together. The gift is coming from a local eatery, Company. There are tons of different food items that she wants to give them. All fresh stuff, it would be a good amount for the employees to snack on all day when it arrives. Sounds like a plan from the heart to me.

The first problem that Company runs into is that Female Boss jotted down the wrong address to deliver the package to. Company calls up the office and I happen to pick up the line. They tell me the address Female Boss gave them. Its completely different than the company address we have in our database, different city and everything. I am now really confused. Its one of two things, either Female Boss is completely off her rocker or they have a corporate office or some such that she is wanting to deliver to. I don't want to make any assumptions so I take down the message for Female Boss and give it to her when she gets in.

"Oh okay. Yeah, I am sending it to their office location. The address we have is just their mailing address."

Fair enough. I'll just go ahead and pick up the phone to tell them the switch. What.. what am I doing? I thought she wanted the package to go out today. Female Boss leaves the office. Hmm.. that's completely outta the ordinary.. Female Boss is acting retarded.

To make a long story less exasperating I'll shorten things up. Over the next 8 work days I get 4 messages from Company complaining that the order was set for that particular day and that the contents of the package are no longer fit for consumption. Every single day they call I give Female Boss a verbal message along with a hand written note with their number and everything to make things very basic for her to understand.

As shocking as it may be, my efforts come to no avail. Female Boss still hasn't called up Company. Then, finally.. the golden opportunity surfaces. I receive a phone call from Company, again. Why these people are so persistent to begin with is beyond me. They have already been paid, what the fuck do they care at this point? Anyway, Female Boss is outside talking to the gardener when they call. I have to get her into the office. I am successful after a lot of hollering for her to get the phone. The best is how the conversation starts.

"Yes, hi," *pause* "Well I ordered that to be delivered like two weeks ago I don't understand why you guys' didn't deliver it," followed by the self-dissapointing "Oh."

Yeah that's right idiot. 'Oh' means you dropped the fuckin ball. After a few minutes on the phone I am happy to report: Comeuppence is at hand!!

"This is bullshit, Northe."

"What is?"

"They made me pay twice!"

"For the second package since you didn't call back and they couldn't deliver the first one?"

"They said I didn't call back in time. I had to pay the shipping cost again too!"

Yeah.. ignore me you jerkass.

"This is bullshit."

You're right. It is bullshit. Its bullshit cuz these people had to waste their fuckin time tracking your ass down. The best is that Female Boss is shocked and appalled cuz they accused her of not calling back in time. She never fuckin called! She was on the phone with them cuz they called her! Get a fuckin clue, idiot. For your insolence you get double cha-jee!

Continuation From Last Post

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

So with our last update on the Eighth Ring of Hell that is my workplace, Female Boss was busy becoming a bilingual prodigy. Unfortunately, Female Boss is likely to be stoned to death before any acclaim comes her way. The following is just another scenario among now, the 100s of stories, that keep me guessing and on my toes while at work:

Female Boss is on the line with Trainer. Hearken back to Trainer. A dog trainer that Female Boss hired to start training her bird. Jeezus Christ.. I can't even type that shit without wanting to spend the next three paragraphs excoriating her very, very slowly. Staying on task.. I catch her midstream, "Well Trainer, you know you're the expert and I don't know anything but I think we need to focus on Demonseed."

Yeah, that's right. Female Boss just said 'I don't know anything'.. well, sorta. I'll take it. So catching up I think, if I recall correctly, Trainer was starting to suggest more time with the other animals rather than on the bird. Trainer has dollar signs in his eyes and thats all well and good. Conan knows any change in this office is for the best.

So literally right after that last confession and suggestion by Female Boss she interrupts all train of thought and blurts out, "Oh! By the way. I have the cutest story!"

I have no clue what she's gonna say.

"I have started to call Pigfoot Gay now." .. "Uh huh.. like, 'come here, Gay!'"

My eyes squint in shrouded disbelief. I mean, what the fuck is wrong with this woman? Of course, it gets better.

"Isn't that funny? Oh! Then, if Pigfoot is being bad I'll call him Puto!" .. "Yeah, it means fag in Spanish. Hahahahaha." .. "Oh okay, well I don't want to keep you, bye."

Female Boss hangs up the line and I can feel the ripple in the atmosphere hit the back of my head as she wrinkles up her face. She's confused. She's trying to comprehend the situation.. wait for it.. wait for it.....

"I can't tell if Trainer thought it was funny or if he just wanted to get off the phone with me."

There it is. I hope it doesn't shock anyone that there was no self-realization at all. If that starts happening, Female Boss will start losing her luster. She must remain in her mentally challenged state. As for Trainer, I just hope he sticks around cuz this has all the makeup of a great relationship.

What Does One Say...?

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I always tell my daughter, if you make it out of high school with the knowledge of two languages you will be among the average; if you make it out of high school with the knowledge of three languages you will be above the fray of the average; if you make it out of high school with the knowledge of four languages you will have the advantage.

Language is key. Being multi-lingual is insane. Being able to communicate to more people will make you a force in life. Luckily, Female Boss has picked up on this even at her later years in life. Its never too late to start taking on the challenges of another language. Who knows, you may have a knack for it. If you do then you can start learning languages quicker than the next and really start expanding your horizons. Let's see what happens in Female Boss' latest caper..

"So Northe, I went out and asked the gardener how to say 'gay' in Spanish."

At least she is interrupting me while I have a phone up to my ear since I am on hold with a client, "Fascinating, what is it?"

"Well it depends, 'maricon' means gay and 'puto' is more derogatory."

I don't comment after that. I actually work instead. As for Female Boss, her wheels are spinning. Who knows what is going on within that dust storm of a brain. Before I know it an hour sails by. Female Boss has likely been in a catatonic state that entire time.

"Ok so, what did I say? Maricon? Is that it?"

"Yup. That and puto is what you said," I answer back.

"Punto like a point?"

"No bitch, puto!" said slightly more respectfully, of course.

"Ohhhhh. Puto. Well what does that mean?"

Arrrrrrrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!! The best would be if Female Boss was so smart that she was trying to get a reaction out of me. Thing is I stay pretty stoic and just jot shit down. Inside I definitely am raging in complete of awe of her stupidity tho. The fact that someone can tell you what something means then an hour later ask you what the same thing means is frikkin crazy. Then come to find out later she wrote the word as "punto" on her monitor. About two weeks later she put an X over the N. Only in my world..

Brain Dead

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

"These websites.. I don't get it," starts Female Boss.

I can only imagine what kind of nonsense is gonna strike my medulla oblongota. Female Boss is fairly decent when it comes to computers and fairly retarded when it comes to them as well.. though I am sure you would agree that empirical evidence leans more towards the retardation of her computer skills than her know-how. Either way, I only know to expect the worst when she is bitching out loud about her computer. It is her way of getting my expert advice and more importantly my attention to stew in her anguish with her.

"Whats the problem?" I ask.

"Well its these stupid websites. I can never find anything when I use these search engines."

"Which one are you using?" as if it matters...

"I like Ask.com for the most part. It seems to be the easiest. I can just ask the guy what I want and he gives me the results from there but isn't there an easier way?"

Ok, I kinda gotta dissect this statement before I get to the question. "The guy" she is referring to is the cartoon image of a butler, as in, Ask Jeeves.. Mr. Jeeves, if you will. I really have no clue how far the metaphor goes, if it really is one, but for her to say that makes me question her ability to comprehend the internet at all. Female Boss is far too literal when it comes to certain things so it is a cause for concern to those around her that may care. I, for one, do not so we'll just move on.

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"Well, I ask Jeeves the question and he doesn't really understand what I mean."

"Give me an example of what you put in the search field."

"The what?" Jeezus....

"Just tell me what you type."

"Okay. Like this one for example. I want to find out about this store back in Jersey. I want to see if it still exists and what they sell now."

"Okay."

"So I type in the field, (roughly remembered by me) 'Does Store in City, New Jersey still sell Products and are they still at the same address?'"

I am dead ass serious. Female Boss is typing complete sentences into this shit with multiple questions as if someone is reading them and finding the information at the speed of light. I couldn't believe it.

Speechless at first, I finally came up with the right words, "What? Are you serious? Ask Jeeves isn't giving you the answer or website you're looking for with that specific of a question?"

"I know! I don't know why I have so much trouble with it sometimes."

I had to take deep breaths and take it easy. I am on the verge of laughing but I want to continue the conversation and see how absurd things get. I can't. I will crack. Bad poker face. Then, Female Boss speaks again:

"Well, I mean isn't there a website search engine that finds what I want without searching for it?"

I didn't say a word. I stood up from my desk and went straight to the restroom. I had to laugh and have some "me-time" to contemplate the hilarity and stupidity of the statement. A search engine that finds what you want without you physically doing anything to generate a search for it! What the hell does that even mean!? Are we talking about a mind reading website? Isn't that what it boils down to? What the fuck is she thinking!? I dunno, Mexi, maybe I need to hire a taxidermist...

Boss Warfare 3

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Sole Scenario: Its the middle of the day. I get back from my lunch break promptly at 1pm. Taco Bell was on the menu cuz I felt I needed to build up my immunity, it was during a flue outbreak and I wasn't gonna fall prey to that bullshit. Dining at Taco Bell made sure of it. More on that theory another time..

I take a seat in the office and Male Boss comes in from the rear portion of the house laughing hysterically. Female Boss follows a few steps behind telling Male Boss, "You're an asshole."

Male Boss laughs harder and louder.

"Want me to tell you why she's pissed, Northe?"

I know better than to ask questions that will give me negative faction to either Boss. I keep my nose in my keyboard and just wait for the gem. Its gonna come, no need to force it or make an unsavory play for it. Just give it a second..

Snickering the whole time, "Come on Female Boss, can I tell him?"

"Fuck off, you fucking bastard."

"Come on, can I tell him how you took a big shit?"

I can feel the heat coming from the sitting room where Female Boss is seated. She has to be bright red with fury and embarrassment. Male Boss knows no boundaries when it comes to decency, especially with me in the office. He tries to be the guy's guy and it comes off about as smooth as sodomy with a pine tree.

"Come on, don't be mad on me. Its funny. You took a huge shit. Stinks up the whole house and clogs the toilet. I got my hands wet helping the toilet to swallow the shit. Just for you. You're gonna be mad on me, Female Boss?"

Female Boss storms out of the house without saying a word. Male Boss is laughing his ass off still. I chuckle a little with him. Poor lass, she really didn't deserve that. You guys though, my Angry Timers.. you definitely deserve it.

Printer Problem

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Its early in the morning and I am just arriving at work. Female Boss is in the kitchen, I say hi. I head to the office and take a seat at my desk. Male Boss springs up from his TV watching and already starts things off. Its a bit early for him, this means he is gonna be cranky. Sure enuff, Male Boss starts barking about some bullshit regarding the printer connected to his computer and how its not working properly. This is a good time for me to grab my trusty pen and pad, so I do.

From the kitchen, Female Boss interrupts his rant by throwing gasoline on the fire, "It just needs to be plugged in, Northe. Don't listen to him. We both know how brilliant of a mind he has when it comes to computers."

I do not get up from my seat. I sit there, waiting for the comeback. Then.. right on queue:

"Hey Northe, I'm pretty sure she fucked it up."

"Okay. I'll check it," I say gratuitously still waiting at my desk with pen in hand.

Why am I still seated at my desk? Are you kidding? Male Boss is just getting started, "She always fucks it up.. don't you Female Boss? Can never let shit the way it stays. Always wants to fuck around, right? Isn't that how you do?"

"You better shut the fuck up right now! I'll fuckin leave!"

Male Boss goes into a mumbling state, "Well I'm pretty sure you fucked it up."

I get up at this point as the pot has slowed to a simmer. Female Boss was quite right, the printer was unplugged.. for what reason or another I have no fucking clue.. and why she didn't solve the problem before it fell into my lap is a totally different skull to crack. It wasn't to conserve power as the power cable was still connected. Even she would know to turn the power 'off' on the printer, wouldn't she? So why the fuck it was unplugged is not for me to guess. I will leave that up to you guys. Anyway, I plug the shit in and call it a job well done.

"What was it then, Northe?" asks Male Boss.

"Oh, just the cable was unplugged on it.. its fine now," I says.

Male Boss focuses his ire toward Female Boss again, "So tell me, Female Boss why the fuck you like to fuck around and unplug that shit? Why the fuck you doing it?"

"I swear to God, you better shut your fucking mouth," she hollers.

"Fuck you, don't ever touch my fucking printer. Never again!"

I coulda counted to 5 at that point. **SLAM!!!** The front door slams shut. Female Boss is gone. She did not return that day. Male Boss didn't give a shit. He sat on the couch most of the day anyway. Crazy fucks..

Grooming the Demonseed Part II

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I last left you with the seed firmly planted, that yes, Female Boss did indeed hire a dog trainer to train her bird, Demonseed. Skipping over the fact that it would take a complete moron to do that we'll go right into the introductory dialogue between the two. It began something like this..

"Just so you know I have never worked with a bird before," said Trainer.

"No, I know. You told me before. I just want to see if we can get anywhere with this training."

Sidebar: Just so you know this took about 2 minutes to communicate to one another. The screaming of Demonseed and barking of the dogs was so loud they moved into the office to where I can hear them no problem. Once they were in the actual office it was much easier for them to communicate and much easier for me to write down their conversation.

"So what do we want to accomplish with Demonseed?" asks Trainer.

"Well, I just want Demonseed to be happy and not screech so much."

"Okay, we'll try with things that keep the bird busy."

Female Boss goes over to the bookcase and grabs some paper. "Like this?" she asks.

"Sure, paper will do."

For one hour these two chimps fed Demonseed paper and Demonseed proceeded to shred it up. Over and over again. They shot the breeze about how stupid each of them is and how its a marvel that people with such untraceable levels of intelligence even possess opposable thumbs.. you know, stuff like that. I just nodded in agreement the entire time.

Before long the "bird training" was just the two of them standing next to the bird cage and talking about music.. and get this.. Female Boss starts going off on how she loves to play the mandolin! She has not touched it in seriously 6-8 months I think. Its just so stupid. Oh, Demonseed? The bird is just standing there on its perch staring and these two whistling every now and then and just enjoying the fact that people are standing next to her for such a long time. The dogs have been barking, not furiously, but enuff to give an average person a headache after this much time has passed.

"Well I should really get going," says Trainer.

"Oh ok, no problem. How much do I owe you? It was two hours right?"

"Yes, $180."

Money well spent if you ask me. Gives me enuff info to write a story about and keeps Female Boss outta the office for a couple hours. Plus there was a lot of progress made. Imagine handing paper to a bird and the bird shredding it up! I mean, its practically inconceivable. The question becomes whether or not this is going to be an ongoing relationship. I am answered shortly thereafter!

"I can't help but notice the dogs are a bit unruly. Perhaps one of these days I can work with them."

"Oh my god! I never thought of that! What a wonderful idea! I think we're gonna have to do it!"

Dog trainer.. dogs.. hmm, dog trainer.. dogs. Dog trainer.. and.. dogs.. dog, trainer.. dogs.. dogs... trainer of dogs.. dogs.. hmm.. no. Nope. I got nothing. Thank goodness Trainer was able to put that equation together cuz there's no chance I'd have even thought of it! I heard a line once.. Shake the nut tree and you're bound to have a few fall in close enuff proximity to drive you to the point of murderous rage. Something like that anyway...

Grooming the Demonseed

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

The more and more I write on this blog the more and more I realize how much I leave out of it due to the worry that one day someone unsavory will stumble upon this blog, report me to the proper authorities and I will be out of a job. Things that I would rather not comment on cuz the connecting of such dots will only make it that much easier to corroborate yours truly in a fiasco to end all fiascoes. The more and more I think about it the more and more I really don't give a fuck. Seeing as though that would spark an entirely new set of Angry Times and the gloves would come off I am likely satisfied with the outcome or with my current state of affairs. So how about I do some more intimate stories involving these Bosses and their antics, yes yes?

We'll go on some idiocy that only Female Boss would think about pioneering. Blazing the trail from the territory of stupidity to less traveled roads.. into the lands of extreme mental retardation. What do I mean by this? Well let's see. Knowing what limited tidbits you know about Demonseed it would be safe to say that either A) you shoot the bird in the face with a paintball gun until an autopsy would reveal a failed set of lungs beautifully coated with a bevy neon colors or B) try to regulate the bird's behavior to where its tolerable. One thing's for sure, these birds are very bright. So why not treat em like any other pet and see if you can train em?

We're now crossing into the lands of extreme mental retardation. If you look out the window to your right you will see a smiling marble bust of Female Boss. To your left, miles of lifeless plains that signify the airy, open space in her skull.

"You know what I'm gonna do, Northe?" asks Female Boss.

"Not yet I don't!"

"I'm gonna get Demonseed a trainer."

"Splendid!"

The following Monday is here in a flash. Female Boss is excited about the trainer headed in to the office today. I am a bit indifferent, knowing what I know all I know is to expect the unexpected. I have become a cheesy character in a poorly written sitcom it seems. I'll just act surprised or feign interest whenever I am called upon.

Around 2pm the trainer, Trainer, shows up. Trainer is greeted with the deluge of horror that greets everyone that enters this vile domain. He's a pigeon of a man. Small, meek and a noting stench coming from his body.. and the matted gel like organic material one would likely recognize as his hair, he is likely swimming with disease. My antibodies quiver in the excitement of fighting off new bacteria.. now would be the ideal time for my HIV to flare up again.

Sidebar: I guess I'll make this a two part post guys. There is far more information and I feel I am long-winded as it is. No sense in boring you before I get to the meat of the matter. However, before I do I'll give you the cliff hanger that will leave you begging for more!

As the pasty husk of this individual passed by the office heading over to Demonseed's cage he waves in my direction.

"Hey, how ya doin," I tell him.

"Fine. My name is Trainer from Woof Woof Training."

Woof Woof Training. Oh, hell no! Please tell me Female Boss didn't hire a dog trainer to train her bird... then again what'dya expect? If I can redirect your attention again to the vast, open, lifeless plains to your left that is the equal to that of Female Boss' mind. To be continued...