What to Feed a Pig...

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I am kinda fast forwarding on the pig for just this story cuz it is something that had zero potential before but recent events have changed this. This happened about 2 weeks ago. It was the close of the work day. Male Boss phones into the office to speak with Female Boss about work. Somewhere along the way I would imagine that Male Boss mentions that he is going to the grocery store. Female Boss takes advantage of the situation and asks Male Boss to bring back some food for Dunkirt.

Now a pig is a pig is a pig, guys. Just about any and everything that I bring in that has a rind, a peel, a core, leftover crust.. anything it seems; gets tossed into the feed bowl of Dunkirt. Now don't get me wrong there are certain things a growing pig needs and we have some extra bags and bottles of stuff that are mixed in there along with other fresh ingredients. The best thing is that Dunkirt knows no end to his appetite. Its incredible how much he eats and how quickly he can inhale it all.

So with the new pig aboard, Female Boss, being the kind hearted soul that she is, is experimenting with different things. I suppose she is not only exploring Dunkirt's tastes, which are indiscriminate at the very least, but also looking for a more affordable way to keep the pig happy. This makes total sense? Their three dogs are treated like royalty for the most part so why not throw another contender in to participate in the struggle to be the one true king.

Female Boss gives Male Boss specific instructions, "Pick me up one of those mixed bags of greens. The pre-mixed stuff but make sure it has a variety of greens in it. Not the iceberg crap!"

As much as I'd love to report that Male Boss knows nothing about food and brings back something to the contrary of what Female Boss wanted, I cannot. In fact, Male Boss brings back a large bag of mixed greens. Something is definitely amiss here.

Then, dragging her knuckles, Female Boss comes into the kitchen, "What the hell is this?"

Female Boss picks up the bag with only her thumb and index finger glaring at the bag like Male Boss brought back a ziplock of bull semen. Male Boss is anything but pleased at her reaction, "You said mixed greens! These are bags mixed with variety. I don't know what the fuck you wants!"

Closing with, "You're welcome.." whispered just barely audible, "bitch." Guess he's pretty happy that he doesn't have to live with her.

Female Boss spouts off to me about the poor decision Male Boss made for the last 15-20 minutes I'm at the office. Female Boss attacked his intelligence and berated him till I left. It was insane. Then, she starts asking me if the bag of mixed greens would be something I would bring back based on her description. I know when to keep my mouth shut so I do. Now real quick, I am no expert at bagged salad but with my limited knowledge I think he made the best choice available. Maybe there is one other option that has multiple stuff in it that doesn't involve iceberg lettuce. Anyway, after much complaining I take off for the day and tuck this crap into the memory bank.

If Female Boss' usual bombastic reaction to anything wasn't enuff to toss into the piggy bank of empirical evidence of her lunacy; this happened on Friday:

Do you know my friend, Chakhtee? Well he came to visit and called before coming and wouldn't you know it, "Hey Chakhtee, can you do me a huge favor for Dunkirt?"

Uh huh, you guessed it.

"Can you bring me a bag of mixed greens from the grocery store on your way in, please? Its this mixed greens bag."

Blah, blah, blah. The bottom line is Female Boss told him to get the exact same bag Male Boss brought her a couple weeks back. While fastening her straitjacket securely she expresses her satisfaction with the product. About how its such a "healthy mix," "great variety of greenery," and "the best thing for Dunkirt." I mean I know women are crazy and flip the script non-stop based on their mood or the number of breaths they take in any given minute but this schizo shit is way outta of control and on a completely different level.