Persistence

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I got a few Happy One Year in-mails over the weekend for Angry Time. Thanks for those fellas. However, I definitely sputtered into what should have been a festive event. Next year maybe I'll plan a gala of sorts. But yeah, a year in and many friends and even new friends later I'd say I'm having a good time ripping into this blog. Enuff about that shit tho, its not important. What is important is giving you Angry Timers another tale of Female Boss.

Literally about this time last year a friend of Female Boss, one of the Plastics, was interviewing for this job for some entertainment company or some such. I dunno what the deal was but it was prestigious among the circles of mindless lemmings they hang out with. Everyone was buzzing about the potential and dreaming up these crazy fantasies. I don't even wanna get into the crap that Female Boss was saying. Thinking that they were literally gonna become friends with the finest froth skimmed off the top from the cream of gene's pool in Hollywood. Realistic..

Anyway, the whole thing died down as Female Boss would call up the Plastic every day or so asking if she heard back. Then it went down to like twice a week and then once a month. Female Boss probably followed up on this for about four months. It was rather nerve racking as I would imagine that the Plastic must have felt bad enuff not getting the job let alone a call back after the interview. On top of that, to have your friend calling and prodding you fairly often asking the status on the opportunity only adds insult to injury, in my ever so humble opinion.

I am a guy from the school of thought that prescribes to "if something comes up I will be told." Sure, I'd give a call and ask how everything went, maybe ask a week later to follow up then I'd switch over to keeping my mouth shut. Not Female Boss tho, cuz what could be more important, the Plastic's ego or Female Boss' pursuit of stardom and living vicariously through the escapades of a middle-aged leather bag pumped full of botox and collagen? I'm sure the real answer is shocking.

The pathetic thing about all this is that it had to have been eating away at Female Boss for the additional half year of not knowing the final answer on this issue. It had to have been about two weeks ago or so. Female Boss picks up the phone to call up this Plastic. Its the usual shooting of the breeze and I could hear Female Boss really just dancing around an issue, making small talk, her heart wasn't in the conversation being had. With a lot of contemplation, Female Boss finally gets it out, "So have you heard anything about that job yet?"

Yes, a year later.

"Oh, nothing? Well wouldn't you think that not hearing back yet is still something positive? I mean, they haven't denied you yet, right?"

Its crap like that where I'd pay to see the reaction on the face of the Plastic. The look on my face remains stoic. Nothing done in this office can even raise my pulse anymore.

The Yolk's On You

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

This is another random thought post. I will see if I can't get around to posting some work related shit here again. Seriously. I just don't find myself having the time to do it. Whatever, like I have a huge audience anyway. Suck it up.

My friend is real frikkin sick right now. Chances are its a bronchial infection or some shit. I feel sorry for the guy. It sounds like its painful as hell and thankfully I haven't had much experience with anything like that in at least a decade. Tho I do know I hate that shit. Its gotta be worse than having the flu. Cuz you basically feel fine but whenever you cough it feels like someone is jamming a shiv into the reverse side of your sternum.

That's not the worst part. The worst part is the mucus.. the phlegm. The nastiest shit in the world that somehow your body is manufacturing for you to hock up, force out of your mouth with a great deal of provocation and then watch as it makes a gooey line into whatever you're spitting it into. I mean that's some insane shit. What the hell is that? You can literally stand atop a bridge and make like a 15 foot long line of phlegm if you really wanted to.. tho its gotta be the special brew phlegm. The raw egg whites.. the albumin if you will.

So yeah, anyway this poor guy is hacking up a lung as I speak to him on the phone on my way to work this morning. Pure suffering. The real pisser is that I don't think there's anything you can take over the counter that cures this crap.. aside from Vick's, but that doesn't really solve the problem. In this guy's darkest hour he pleads to me, "What the hell can I do?"

I answer back without fail, "Open up a diner." Wouldn't that be an interesting experiment? I'm gonna tell him to try it out while he's producing that kinda yolk from his lungs. Fuckin spit into a pan and fry that shit. See if it looks like eggs. I bet it does.

Just thought I'd put this out there while I had a moment at work. Anyway, time for lunch. Take it easy, fellas.

Cripes!

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Three weeks passes by quicker than you think. What the hell am I doing? I am coming up on the 1 year anniversary of this mofo known as Angry Time and I'm sittin here acting like I have a life. Well that facade is over! The in-mails have been pouring in (at least 2 or 3 in like a month) and I must get back on top of my game. At least thats what I think those Cialis in-mails are suggesting. So let's go with just a random rant post shall we? Why not, its Friday.

Let's see. This morning on my way to work I came across a pretty crazy visual. Now before I get into it, lemme again preface this post with that even tho I am a complete asshole I mean only maiming harm by it. Nothing fatal.

So, as I am driving in I catch easily the fattest woman I have ever seen riding a bicycle. Let me make that clearer. Not the fattest woman I have ever seen. I am saying the fattest woman I have seen that is riding a bicycle. I mean she was huge. I am not hating. I think its great. She was really moving on that thing and I was impressed. Its just the whole process that you get to become that big. I mean that takes some serious time. Whatever, that's not important.

Here's my point. I made the comment to my friend I was on the phone with. Then I started to get visuals of the past. One of my favorites regarding people of larger girth than others is the vast difference between a wedgie on a person of average build versus a wedgie on a water buffalo of a person.

The way the ass eats the person's pants or shorts. Nay not eats, engulfs them. A voracious ass that pulls the shorts into it's maw and turns an already unflattering sight to a gut wrenching, wretched scene. The clothing stretches skin tight, the craterous form of their supple, over-sized ass is revealed much to my dismay! The humanity.. I mean come on. Jeezus! I suppose the real question is how do these people not feel it? How do you not feel your own ass eating the shorts off of your body while it defecates the fibers out your urethra!? How!?

This lady on the bike.. it was like a snake eating an antelope. Its like her ass-jaw unhinged itself and was slowly taking in the back tire. Surely, by the time she had reached her destination she was walking. An inanimate object versus an ass with the hunger of every third world nation combined makes quick work of its prey. I don't even want to think about it.

Instead, just take that into the weekend with yourselves. My plans this Saturday is to eat a steak the size of a toilet seat. Maybe, by the time I stand up from the meal my ass will have started on my slacks. Let's just say I can only hope that's the case.

"Do It!"

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Another day, another Vietnam. Female Boss, in her ever sporadic mission to teach Puppy how to do anything by command, brings The Professional into her plan. The Professional has been kinda MIA lately as he has been working with his sister at her job. This really blows cuz without him around I don't get near as many laughs. Hopefully its only a temporary thing but I really don't know.

So, The Professional came in about two weeks ago. This was first time I had seen him in at least a month. He is his normal self, very upbeat and ready to talk some shit or tells some jokes. When he walks in, Female Boss snaps into action like everything was premeditated. She doesn't even say hi to him, just heads outside to grab Puppy and bring her in. After grabbing Puppy from outside, she awkwardly rushes over to the kitchen and grabs a leash.

Sidebar: You have to understand that I look at this office much differently than others that enter. Most likely The Professional didn't notice anything forced or off about the whole situation. I don't blame him, its only pathetic if you notice it and chances are he chooses to avoid thinking about it. Smart man.

With leash in one hand and Puppy draped over her arm, Female Boss brings Puppy into the office where The Professional is busy looking at his in-mails and any other items of business scattered about the office area. In the worst attempt at acting I have ever seen, Female Boss puts a startled bounce in her step, "Oh! You came just in time to watch Puppy take some lessons."

Gah, fuckin idiot. There's too many angles of attack here, Female Boss would be a shattered soul by the time I was finished with her. Its getting all too easy. Sans verbal dissection of her very being I'll just carry on.

"Here try this," she says.

Female Boss sets Puppy down onto the ground. Off she runs away from Female Boss. Shocker. No control of her dog. It takes a couple minutes to get the beast back into the office and to actually pay attention to what is happening; serious business time, pay attention.

"Okay, Puppy. Today you're going to learn to take commands from The Professional," says Female Boss as a howling wind passes through one ear and out the other.

"I think she's ready," says Female Boss looking at The Professional. "Tell her to sit."

The Professional is obviously agitated. He kinda shifts in his seat and is ready to give Puppy the command. As soon as he opens his mouth to say something, Female Boss interrupts him, "Well you gotta stand up, silly."

This is when I start sinking into my own personal space. I cannot afford to laugh and at the same time it pains me too much to watch so I put the old ears on satellite mode and with an occasional glance in their direction record the events in my mind.

The Professional reluctantly steps up to the plate, "Puppy, sit. Sit. Puppy, Sit. Sit, Puppy."

Would it be a waste of time to mention that Puppy didn't sit? Likely, so I won't. Female Boss won't stand for this. Puppy isn't showing the least sign of interest and the fact that she started walking around the office after his third command is only embarrassing Female Boss further.

"No, you can't just do it like that. You have to snap your fingers to get the dog's attention, then give the command," says Female Boss in her best pretend role to know what the fuck she is talking about.

"No it is okay, I have to run anyway."

The poor Professional knows what she is trying to get him into and he is beginning to look for a way out.

"Oh it'll just be a second, I want you to get her to sit," says Female Boss with a kind yet forceful voice.

The Professional knows that Female Boss is very pushy, he realizes it is in his best interest to just get it over with. I could hear the prayer song of angels going off in his head begging the Lord to free him from this madness. Unfortunately, God has a sense of humor.

*Snap* "Puppy, sit. Puppy, sit." *Snap* "Sit." *Snap* "Sit, Puppy, sit."

"Here, hold on. Try getting closer to her," says Female Boss gesturing with her hands.

The Professional leans into Puppy's face and continues. The best part is that his voice is becoming more and more commanding. Well maybe commanding isn't the right word, its obviously due to frustration but it sounds like he is really getting into the role. No matter what he does tho, Puppy just stands there wagging her tail and glancing around the place every now and again. As for Female Boss, she has a half-smile stitched on her face. My best guess is that she is preparing for the 1 in 1000 shot the dog actually sits and also to give off that disturbing sense of optimism in the face of uncomfortable circumstances. Kinda like the grin on the face of a lunatic.

I hate to report, but this goes on for a good 15 minutes. Still trying to get out of the situation but too nice to just up and go, The Professional keeps stressing the fact that he wishes to leave. Female Boss is adamant in making this fantasy of hers into a reality. More commands are given and nothing is happening. The thing is Puppy doesn't even look you in the eyes. The dog is very detached, so short of grabbing her face and steering it in your direction Puppy won't make strong eye contact. Female Boss gets so flustered that at one point while The Professional is trying to leave she damn near yells, "Do it!"

Its beyond insane now. The Professional kinda stares Female Boss down for a second, clearly distressed. Then, paydirt! Before anything further can happen, out of sheer boredom, Puppy takes a seat as if watching the show.

"Puppy! Oh my God! Yayyy! Good dog, look at that beautiful sit!" exclaims Female Boss.

The Professional, done with what was assigned him, left in a hurry. Poor guy. I don't envy being friendly and maintaining a business relationship with Female Boss. Its just a bit much. So off he went, to do who knows what. Sometimes when I recall the day's events I can muster up words for a debate that this one particular spot in the road outside the house, that may look like an oil slick stain from long ago, really is where The Professional threw up after leaving the house that day. I am almost positive that's the way it went down after he left.

I'll Shut Up Now

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

As you can probably tell my sense of humor isn't for everyone. I come off as quite the asshole most of the time and the rest of the time I come off as sarcastic or arrogant. Winning combinations, as they may be, they have invited their fair share of trouble throughout the course of my life. I usually counter these scenarios with increased sarcasm but every now and then I do know when to keep my mouth shut.

A good example of this was the other day when Female Boss was on the phone with one of The Plastics. Female Boss was doing her usual Rolodex tour of all her friends repeating the same story over and over again and never finding it dull. Female Boss usually spends her time on the phone to share gossip. Any details she gets on other Plastics, Romans or friends and family, in general, Female Boss feels that the information should be spread as quickly as possible.

Today's topic was not so much the reason of the call but likely the fact that The Plastic she was on the line with decided to flip the script on the conversation. I like to think that anyway. Just maybe one of these deranged clowns can have a normal streak and not want any more mind numbing information. The subject gets swapped for a little Pigfoot rundown. My attention is officially grabbed with the mention of his name.

Female Boss then says, "Well I am not sure what it is but Pigfoot has a weight problem."

Being the idiot that I am I say nice and audibly, "Yeah, the problem is he can't wait (weight) to eat." Pa-rumph! Oh, the wit..

I don't think I have ever received a dirty look from Female Boss before. She was definitely pissed tho and the best part was as soon as I said it the room had that eerie silence and I could hear her friend laughing through the speaker end of the phone. Female Boss actually gave me attitude for the next couple days after that if you can believe it. At least The Plastic found it funny. Oh well, fuck it.

Jedi Mind Tricks

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Do I have to give any background on this expression? I'm a pretty big nerd, so yeah, I probably do. A Jedi Mind Trick, first of all, comes from Star Wars. Picture the scene where Obi Wan and Luke are in the desert, they approach the Storm Trooper guarding the city in the desert and Obi Wan waves his hand in front of the face of the Storm Trooper saying something and the Storm Trooper says exactly what Obi Wan said, get it? In the real world a Jedi Mind Trick is defined as a way to convince someone to think a certain way without effort. Its really big around people that have problems communicating, thinking and breathing rhythmically without making it a priority in their mind.

Its almost as if that very statement fits the mold of someone we know. Female Boss? Sure, why not..

I think this is a whole new level of consciousness. Female Boss had a meeting with a new Client at the Investment Property over the weekend, Saturday specifically. I guess Saturday is the same day that the house next door has their gardener come over to maintain the property. I have mentioned before but I'll mention again, for those that haven't read the entire blog or memorized all the ins and outs of the Investment Property, the lot the Investment Property sits on is not that big. The house next door, the one being worked on, is a corner lot. It is significantly larger and has a few pretty huge trees.

I seriously can't believe I am writing this.. its really sad. Female Boss is losing it. That's honestly what I fear at this point.

So two of the trees from the neighbor's yard really make a mess in our backyard. They shed large leaves year round. Female Boss complains about it pretty often. The genius of it all is she never says anything to them. My suggestion has always been to go next door and ask the guy to maybe trim em down a bit. They are very full trees and hacking off a few limbs couldn't hurt. Female Boss always agrees it is a good idea but never does anything about it. Basically she's scared.

So that Saturday, Female Boss musters up a revolutionary amount of courage.. explained to me using roughly the following statement:

"Oh! So Northe, get this, I was here Saturday and the gardeners were next door!"

I had no clue what significance that meant at the time so just stared blankly at my computer screen hoping for the swift death of as few brain cells as possible.

"You know how I hate those trees they have? Well.."

I interrupt her, "Oh nice, you told them to hack em down a bit?"

"No. I am so frustrated. Let me just tell you. I go into the backyard after the meeting and rake up the leaves as loudly as I can and start pruning the tree in the back."

Sidebar: Yeah. She said rake and loudly in the same sentence, and yes they have a lawn back there. How that is achieved I don't know. Furthermore, that tree she is referring to is a sapling at best. At best!

"I mean they must have seen me out there for a good 45 minutes before they left. They see me doing that stuff! I mean, come on, they didn't get the hint!? I don't even wanna talk about it. I don't know what else to do."

The final number of dead as far as my brain cells go is still undetermined. I think there are dozens still in the infirmary, still trying to hold on. Poor little guys. I don't have much hope for em but they'll go down fighting. No guys, no. I am not gonna go off on a rant about how dumb Female Boss is, how pressing upon her again that actually talking might be the best way to handle the situation or even that a letter would suffice. I'm just not. All that's gonna do is build up a lot of rage that might destabilize the brain cells in the ICU. Not gonna do it.

Fat and Itchy

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Oh, Pigfoot. He's as ripe one. Ripe as I've ever seen a dog that's for damn sure. Ol' Pigfoot doesn't really do much nowadays. He pretty much never moves. Female Boss is getting pretty pissy too. She is constantly checking up on him whenever she thinks about it and sure enuff he is on his comfy dog pillow just wallowing.

Oh yeah, Pigfoot is now pretty much indoors most of the time since his weight gain. To the average person this makes no sense. Why you ask? Bcuz Female Boss wants him to desperately lose weight but instead of keeping him out back with Puppy where he can get a good bit of exercise playing with her she keeps him inside to do nothing. The negative side of all this is that our once proud Usurper is now a lame duck. Pigfoot literally does nothing.

On a typical day before, I'd come into the office and he'd be either at the door to greet me or barking at me thru the screen door in the back to come play with him. Now, if I come in and he's already inside he barely lifts his chin to acknowledge me. He gives me this smug look proclaiming his rightful claim to the throne which he sits atop. I guess he has won. I never looked at it that way before. All the pooch wanted was some recognition and he's finally got it. What a fat fuck.

The funny part is, when he actually musters the will to expend the thousands of calories it must take to move his planetary girth, he'll come over to me and just stand there. I used to have no clue what Pigfoot wanted. I mean our normal reaction to a dog coming on over is to pat him on the head or something along those lines. Not Pigfoot. Pigfoot demands a proper scratching. I mean I can sit there and scrape him up and down with both of my hands and watch him melt like butter for a long time.

I recently bought a dog brush for him that I keep on top of my desk. Female Boss didn't understand why I would buy it but now she sees its potential. Pigfoot will come over, I will brush or scratch him pretty aggressively with it and he can hardly stand as he switches back paws scratching at dead air in response. Its frikkin hilarious. I guess all that extra skin and mass has really changed his day to day needs. Before it was chaos and mayhem, now its gorging and itchies. Poor, failed king.

A Bit of Fallout

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Coming off Friday's Post there was a bit of insight offered to me by Male Boss as to what may have caused the problem with the server. That's right guys, the now famous Master of In-Mail had the nerve to tell me what went wrong. I mean this guy musta been on an Ignorance I.V. the night prior. I mean lets face facts here, for him to even pretend like he knows what the fuck he is talking about when it comes to computers is ballsy enuff.. ignoring the fact that he is trying to tell me, of all people, what the deal is.

Like when he is giving out the in-mail address to clients or something like that. Male Boss can't even do that right! He's so computer illiterate that.. fuck it, just read this frikkin post again to refresh your memories. Gah! Its so frustrating. You can ask him where the mouse is chances are he's gonna be looking at the external hard drive! This is my fuckin Boss! Do you understand how ridiculous it all is!?

Now that I'm in a frenzy I can get to the immeasurable stupidity Male Boss brought forth. Again, the server had the problem. He comes back from a daytime meeting scratching his wooden head:

"Hey Northe, I think I know the problem there."

"Problem?" I ask having no clue what he's talking about at first.

"With the server, the power outing."

I suck in twice the wind of a normal breath and start to hold it in cuz if I breathe right after Male Boss says what he's about to say I may very well get infected with that virus that's eating away at his brain.

"I put in the music CD to listen to on your computer after you left and it didn't play right."

Still holding my breath.

"I think that might be what fucked it up, you know?"

Still holding.

"Its gotta be it. Not gonna use your computer to play the songs. I have the good speakers on my computer anyway."

Makes me want to go to work with a Bio Hazard suit on. I really like my brain. I have no means by which to defend it. Its depressing. Male Boss' stupidity is enuff to give hope to the most down trodden nations. Inspiration that there is always hope. Only in America, I suppose.

Fixin' to Fix Things

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

It's Thursday night, a quarter after eight, I get a phone call from Female Boss. Apparently she decided to work late at the Investment Property and of all nights for her to burn the candle at both ends the file server goes down. This means that all of our saved work that needs to be accessed by each of the computers in the office are no longer available. This blows. This is bad. The best part is Female Boss looks to me for a solution.. great.

Knowing that her frail mind has no clue what happens in the real world, I simply pass it off and tell her that I'll have to buy the part I need in the morning. I decide to toss in the old, "I'll probably be a little late" line. I grab myself a Snickers bar from the freezer (oh yeah bitches you know that's the shit) head to the local computer supply sodomy zone, pick up the part, return to the homestead in a good twenty minutes and turn off the old alarm clock for a well deserved sleep-in session. Looks like Northe wins again, right?

Let's see about that. I come into the office the next day about an hour later than normal. What!? Sorry, I do have a conscience as much as I hate to admit it and didn't want to abuse the situation more than necessary. Let that be a lesson to all of you tho.. if you take a foot rather than a yard you will have taken many a yard before an eyebrow is raised.

Hey, I think I'll get back to the story. I come into the office and the file server is unplugged. No problemo. I go into the actual office to turn on my computer for testing purposes. *click* no power.. upon closer inspection my computer is unplugged. Rather than rehook a few cables I head to the other workstation. *click* no power either, same thing. I decide that I'll plug in this other computer. I go to turn on the lamp to get some light behind the desk. *click* no power! What the fuck!

I take a look throughout the office. All lamps, phones, printers, both fax machines, the copy machine, both scanners and all the computers are unplugged. Everything is out of the wall jacks, even the surges.

Rewind to the previous night. As I trouble shoot over the phone with Female Boss before hanging up with her I tell her that it sounds to me like that there is a problem with the power supply. Basically the power source for the file server is done deal, which is what I bought from the electronics store. I tell her that in pretty much those exact words. So why is everything out of the walls and what not? Let's just ask Female Boss herself.

Answer: "Well you said there was a problem with the power supply so rather than having all the machinery in the office deplete it further I decided to unplug it all since we weren't gonna be using it till today."

Oh okay, I understand. So yeah, here ya go. I went to the computer store and picked up a power supply FOR THE FUCKING HOUSE, YOU NUT!

Wouldn't Expect Less

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I think I realize what my problem is at work, guys. I mean I used to be on top of the blog with tons of stories and all this material day in and day out but I can now pinpoint the specific thing that made that all change. I mean, I used to have Female Boss mutterings non-stop and yes they do still happen. Its a combination of me being lazy but also the fact that I purchased a phone a few months back that has iTunes on it. So that kinda kills my concentration. I now know the problem and will now seek a solution or at least put in some added effort to keep the material coming.

This one, back in the day, would be part of a three section Female Boss Short. Since I am a slacker, you get it as a regular post. :(

Out of the blue, Female Boss says, "Atleast the phones are dying down."

In typical fashion I treat what she says like a fart in church: I don't want to acknowledge it, I can't ignore it but it bothers the hell out of me. Then, I kinda think to myself, it really hasn't been that busy. I check the call logs. It reads: 5 phone calls in 3.5 hours. The day before that was Sunday so Female Boss can't possibly be talking about her own house phone, could she? I mean what prompts such a nonsensical thought? I swear she lives in a parallel universe.

Aggressive Language?

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Wow, slacking is pretty easy when you put your mind to it. Hell, half putting your mind to it makes a week go buy really quickly. Then I remember the important people, the Angry Timers. So a few bottles of Belvedere later, here I am. Let's get into it, then.

We have the usual office scenario brewing here. Its more or less the middle of the day. We have both Male and Female Boss front and center in the office. Everyone is pecking away at their respective keyboards and things are getting accomplished.

The silence is broken by a request from Female Boss to Male Boss to get an item of work completed for her. Realize that I said for her. Female Boss is asking for a favor from Male Boss. Male Boss huffs and puffs like a brat. This is a ritualistic game for these two. There is much complaining, shouting, sighing and guilt tripping before any ground is made on either end. The tide begins to turn in Female Boss' favor. Male Boss is still reluctant and bitchy. Male Boss whines for a few minutes longer but eventually gives in to Female Boss.

Its obvious that Male Boss did not want to do this for her. Its a task that doesn't take a lot of brain work but its fairly time consuming. There's no real way to get thru it without suffering through some boredom. So, like a good man, he let's it be known that what he did was not only arduous but completed.

"There you go," he sighs. "I am done. I'm gonna get outta here."

"Gee, thank you," responds Female Boss sprinkling a bit of sarcasm around.

"For what!?!? Why you tell me that!?"

I am pretty sure what he meant to say is why are you being such an ass in the way you are saying it, rather than what she said. Then again, maybe not. You can never tell with these two and assumptions only give them more credit than they likely deserve. I'll shut up now and go on.

"Oh stop it. Leave me alone, I have more of those forms to do."

"No you do not! Get the hell out of there. I do them!"

"Why don't you take your ass home instead?"

"Fine! So can you shut the fuck up now!"

The front door closes and Male Boss is gone. Too funny. I mean sure there was sarcasm in her tone but for the reaction to be what it was is just stupid. I don't know how many more times I can say that cuz this isn't stupid or crazy, irrational or insane.. the sad truth is that its normal. For fuck's sake what am I doing here..

Male Boss Loses It

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

We ended up getting a new Client. They represent some foreign nations unlike the majority of our Clients that represent mostly Americans. Sure you have some Clients that deal overseas or to the north and south of the border but its not too often when we get real deal first timers in the United States. This really isn't that important to the story but it kinda is so I had to mention it. Even still what transpires won't make any sense given the situation that unfolds.

We have Female Boss and I in the office working. Male Boss comes in super late to work today. Its already past noon and he is completely scattered. Female Boss doesn't really say anything except for hi. He is scrambling, not insanely but you can tell there is a certain pep in his step that is unlike his usual office entry. Then, Female Boss remembers.

"Oh, that new client. Don't you have a 1 o'clock pickup from the airport?"

Male Boss is very hesitant to even answer as he is grabbing papers and tossing them into his briefcase, "Yes. I think its fine, I should have plenty of the time when they land. They can do some waiting in customs."

"Well I think you should call them."

No answer from Male Boss.

"You gotta call them," says Female Boss again.

"I don't think so. They are from the Down Under or Englands or something."

Female Boss kinda cocks her head and gets that miffed look on her face.. you know the permanent look on my face whenever I am around this duo or in the office.. that look of nothing ever makes any sense here. That look of, sure that was a sentence constructed mainly of English but I doubt even you know what came outta your mouth. Welcome to the gates of the sanatorium, Female Boss, when you get inside you can seek me out. I'll be the one in the corner drooling happily while I wallow in a pool of my own feces.

Female Boss then questions him, "So bcuz of that they won't care that you are late?"

Bad move.

"How dare you say that! How dare you! What is wrong with you! You think its funny? You think that its funny!? I think you're a bitch!"

Male Boss takes a 2" binder and hucks it across the office against the wall behind him. The binder, on impact, opens and sends literally about 200 pieces of paper flying. Its really not a big deal. Male Boss is as harmless as a tit mouse but it just doesn't make any sense.. as you can tell.

As if nothing at all has happened, Male Boss broad jumps over the papers, "Ok, I will call them on the way there. I am late, see you after."

"Call who? Call the shrink? Cuz you need one," says Female Boss who gets up to clean up his mess.

The door closes. Male Boss is gone. Did any of this make sense? Is there any cause and effect that anyone could point out to me here that demonstrates rationality or levels of human intelligence. Fuck it, not even human intelligence, manitee intelligence. Any at all? Angry Time's answer: Nope.

What to Feed a Pig...

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I am kinda fast forwarding on the pig for just this story cuz it is something that had zero potential before but recent events have changed this. This happened about 2 weeks ago. It was the close of the work day. Male Boss phones into the office to speak with Female Boss about work. Somewhere along the way I would imagine that Male Boss mentions that he is going to the grocery store. Female Boss takes advantage of the situation and asks Male Boss to bring back some food for Dunkirt.

Now a pig is a pig is a pig, guys. Just about any and everything that I bring in that has a rind, a peel, a core, leftover crust.. anything it seems; gets tossed into the feed bowl of Dunkirt. Now don't get me wrong there are certain things a growing pig needs and we have some extra bags and bottles of stuff that are mixed in there along with other fresh ingredients. The best thing is that Dunkirt knows no end to his appetite. Its incredible how much he eats and how quickly he can inhale it all.

So with the new pig aboard, Female Boss, being the kind hearted soul that she is, is experimenting with different things. I suppose she is not only exploring Dunkirt's tastes, which are indiscriminate at the very least, but also looking for a more affordable way to keep the pig happy. This makes total sense? Their three dogs are treated like royalty for the most part so why not throw another contender in to participate in the struggle to be the one true king.

Female Boss gives Male Boss specific instructions, "Pick me up one of those mixed bags of greens. The pre-mixed stuff but make sure it has a variety of greens in it. Not the iceberg crap!"

As much as I'd love to report that Male Boss knows nothing about food and brings back something to the contrary of what Female Boss wanted, I cannot. In fact, Male Boss brings back a large bag of mixed greens. Something is definitely amiss here.

Then, dragging her knuckles, Female Boss comes into the kitchen, "What the hell is this?"

Female Boss picks up the bag with only her thumb and index finger glaring at the bag like Male Boss brought back a ziplock of bull semen. Male Boss is anything but pleased at her reaction, "You said mixed greens! These are bags mixed with variety. I don't know what the fuck you wants!"

Closing with, "You're welcome.." whispered just barely audible, "bitch." Guess he's pretty happy that he doesn't have to live with her.

Female Boss spouts off to me about the poor decision Male Boss made for the last 15-20 minutes I'm at the office. Female Boss attacked his intelligence and berated him till I left. It was insane. Then, she starts asking me if the bag of mixed greens would be something I would bring back based on her description. I know when to keep my mouth shut so I do. Now real quick, I am no expert at bagged salad but with my limited knowledge I think he made the best choice available. Maybe there is one other option that has multiple stuff in it that doesn't involve iceberg lettuce. Anyway, after much complaining I take off for the day and tuck this crap into the memory bank.

If Female Boss' usual bombastic reaction to anything wasn't enuff to toss into the piggy bank of empirical evidence of her lunacy; this happened on Friday:

Do you know my friend, Chakhtee? Well he came to visit and called before coming and wouldn't you know it, "Hey Chakhtee, can you do me a huge favor for Dunkirt?"

Uh huh, you guessed it.

"Can you bring me a bag of mixed greens from the grocery store on your way in, please? Its this mixed greens bag."

Blah, blah, blah. The bottom line is Female Boss told him to get the exact same bag Male Boss brought her a couple weeks back. While fastening her straitjacket securely she expresses her satisfaction with the product. About how its such a "healthy mix," "great variety of greenery," and "the best thing for Dunkirt." I mean I know women are crazy and flip the script non-stop based on their mood or the number of breaths they take in any given minute but this schizo shit is way outta of control and on a completely different level.

A Chameleon

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

No, no, no. We're not talking about the lizard here. We are talking about the type of person that is able to adapt and blend in to any situation, have calm during any amount of pressure and seem in control even when they know that they are not the sole controller. You know what I mean. Its that type of person that no matter how sticky things get they are the person that keeps things straight, the reality check, if you will.

Now who would be farther from that description, being a chameleon, than Female Boss? Then again maybe not. Maybe there are times when she can be so slick that she can fool every single one of you guys and myself included! Let's probe this further.

Setting up the scene she is on the phone with her friend. It is the usual day to day nonsense speak of infected baboons. Nothing relevant is being said. For a few moments there I coulda swore they talked about pistachios for a good four minutes.. no, I'm not kidding. I am debating a lobotomy in the next week or two so I can become a peer to my employers, any in-mail that highlights Pros or Cons on this decision are welcome.

As many things do in my world, the conversation turns toward irony. Female Boss is now on a self-aggrandizing kick about how she has made "progress" with the pooches. Progress? I have no clue what she is talking about so my AngrySense kicks in to start jotting down notes. Apparently she has been using some sort of psychological mind play against the dogs to communicate what she wants them to. Female Boss tells her friend that when at home she can "trick" them into doing the exact opposite of what they are doing. This is when it happens.

The gardener arrives at the property. I shit you not, no more than three seconds prior to him showing up, Female Boss had just boasted to her friend, "Well come on, they haven't even made a peep. They are absolute dolls, I mean listen to how quiet they are."

Then, hell breaks loose. There's something sinful in my appreciation for the situations in my life that take me on a journey from the plateau of ironic to the cliffs of sardonic. I recline back in my chair and watch the fireworks. Mind you, Female Boss is not in the actual office room right now, she is a couple rooms over facing the backyard so her friend gets to hear the full brunt of the dogs going bonkers. Now after such an outstanding report on the dogs, the last thing Female Boss would want to do is admit defeat. So now what? Stuck between a rock and a hard place, what is the logical thing to do? Indeed, friends. Queue the chameleon!

"What's that guys? Oh do you see a bird outside? Is that a bird?"

Again, dogs going ballistic out here. Loud as shit. Female Boss still standing by the sliding glass door drowning off every pathetic means of communication in a deluge of barking and growling.

"No? Is it a puppy? Do you guys hear a puppy?"

Moments later and over a fevered pitch of more madness coming from the dogs, "Okay, I gotta go."

Well played, Female Boss, well played.

What of Thine Pig!?

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Oh guys. I know I have been dished a few in-mails as of late to get some info regarding said pig from before, Sir Dunkirt. Again, hiatus and laziness has delayed some great stories regarding this new unknown at the office. So what better way to get the show on the road than diving right in? So let's do exactly that.

Lemme give you some Dunkirt specs for those too lazy to read the above link in detail. Currently he is about the length of 1 and a half footballs and shaped very similarly. He's a little guy. His skin is soft as shit and he loves playing! Its just the best ever. Remember this is time lapse delayed guys. I have a good dozen stories to catch up on that have happened in the last 5 months so he will develop and grow before your very eyes here on Angry Time.

One of the first days after taking on this pig, Dunkirt, wouldn't you know it we have some supreme jealousy forming at every end of this frikkin place. Male and Female Boss both decided that they trade off evenings with Dunkirt until he is grown enuff to stay "more permanently" at the Investment Property. I would imagine this guy is gonna get pretty frikkin big considering he's literally a feed hog or some shit. Let's not worry about that now and just talk about the scenario.

Female Boss thought it would be a good idea to let Dunkirt meet the dogs. He isn't that big but the guy weighs a good amount, he's also pretty strong and quick. So the first thing Female Boss does, guided by the hand of stupidity itself, is drops Dunkirt down at her feet with all the dogs around her jumping up and barking. If you have never witnessed an orchestrated descending of predator upon prey this would have been a great scene for you to see. All three dogs just go apeshit on this poor guy.

Sidebar: If you have never heard a pig squeal and I mean squeal, prepare your eardrums cuz that shit is insanely loud.

I think Pigfoot clamped on to his back leg while The One just went for the face. Puppy for some reason was using her front paws to pummel him. I guess its kinda like the friend that doesn't ever throw down with the boys when shit is rough and rugged but will throw some phantom punches when the fight is in your favor so at the end of it all he can pretend like he did something. So Female Boss is screaming her ass off. I kicked Pigfoot pretty damn hard to get him off Dunkirt and then scooped him up off the ground away from The One's biting and Puppy's forceful patting.

Poor Dunkirt was wriggling like a maggot in my grip but I was able to hold onto him and get him into the kitchen sink to run some water on him. Amazingly he calmed down pretty quickly. He had several cuts and what not but he's a tuff mofo. Pigs are pretty solid animals, so it didn't take him too long to get back into the swing of things. I'm trying to think back, I think this was within the first week of having him. So from the start, poor Dunkirt is forced to fit right into this madness. Its a shame he is being raised by a pair of idiots.

New Car Blues

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Since I took my hiatus last month I have a lot of catching up to do. This one happened a ways back. Male Boss bought a new car this year. Pretty monumental thing since his last car he bought I think 8 months prior. No joke. However, his latest splurge in greenbacks has not only given Female Boss a dose of jealousy but also inspired her to keep up with Male Boss. So wouldn't you know it, not but 4 days later, Female Boss traded in her car of formerly 6 years for a brand spankin new car. Ever since the purchases the two have been competing with their cars. Constantly trying to get little custom crap and what not. Frivolous nonsense I say but to each their own.

The reality of it is, we all know that when you buy a new car you are gonna be hit with some bad luck, right? I have seen it too many times, an accident, a ding, a paint chipping, a rock flying up and cracking a windshield. All the time, its the worst. Its what makes buying new cars fulfilling and enraging at the same time but we always do it and comeuppence is always had. The only question now is how this effects both Male and Female Boss having bought cars within a short period of time? Let me answer it for ya.

Flat, asphalt paved, concrete sidewalk, easy-does-it neighborhood. That's where the Investment Propety is located. Male Boss, for a couple months before getting his new car, has parked in the driveway of the Investment Property, Female Boss has been parking on the street. If you're facing the house, Female Boss parks on the right hand side of the driveway. This trend does not stop. The next week after Female Boss gets her new car, Male Boss backs out the driveway and dings her car. Nothing big but still hits it. Female Boss freaks out on him.. rightfully so. My reaction is pretty puzzled, not really as he has done it before, but still.. I mean, come on. Its a fuckin stationary obstacle. How do you manage to clip it?

Literally a week and change later, Male Boss again backing out of the driveway dings her car again. These are both brand new automobiles, both sustaining damage, both times by Male Boss and both times in stupid ass situations. Female Boss flips out and starts telling him that he is gonna have to pay for the damage now. Male Boss tells her to eat it and business continues as usual. My reaction is now jaw dropping and mind boggling to the lack of attention it requires to hit a parked car.. twice.

I would say in about the same time frame, Male Boss hits Female Boss' car again! In the process, he spilled a paper cup of cream of broccoli all over his new interior. The best part is that he called up absolutely furious at Female Boss while still in the driveway. Why mad at her I have no clue. Probably just needed to vent his frustration that he wasn't given a fully evolved brain.

Now for the best part ever. That next morning Female Boss comes in to the office at about a quarter to twelve. Female Boss comes in and tells Male Boss that she parked on the opposite side of the driveway. That would be the left hand side now if you're facing the house. So apparently he backed out and in his words, "The god damn steering failed" and he hit the car AGAIN! Two days in a row, no less. Just insane. The kicker is that he refuses to pay for any damage and both of their cars have paint rubs, dings, chips and scratches on their front and back ends. Just unbelievable. I fuckin love it.

Why Is It Like That?

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Why is it that sometimes when someone does something its so repulsive you can only feel that burning rage deep within? Over stupid shit too.. irrelevant shit that you have heard many times over or variations of which, but when it comes out of that one person's mouth you just start seething. Its that hatred that is beginning to brew at work for me. I guess not really hatred its more of an intolerance. Its the every day lunacy that drives the mind to indifference but also to madness. So which is it then? Or is it both constantly dueling? What does it matter? You guys aren't here for a discussion of the theoretic. You're here for some anger.

Now I might be reaching for something to bitch about here but I think I am just in my frustration and if I'm not, eat a dick. So I was talking to Female Boss about her weekend and supposedly she went to some buffet. I don't even remember what else she was talking about or what happened thereafter. The only thing that stuck in my head was the way she said the word "buffet." I didn't even know there was a different way to say the damn word! How ignorant am I?

Female Boss pronounced it Boof-ay. Boofay? What? Are you French? What the hell is a boofay? I think the reason it pisses me off so much is cuz I already know that she isn't that bright and all of sudden she has taken on a way to say a word that I have not only grown accustomed to saying a certain way but a word that is cherished in the world of normal guys. We hear the word "buffet" and get excited. We know we can gorge with no regret! Its a good thing. Then to hear it butchered and turned into some monstrosity as boofay just sickened me. What the hell was at this boofay anyway? Fuckin lace doilies and fuckin orange spiced mini muffins or some shit!? What the fuck? Boofay.

The only correct use of Boof is to describe Michael J. Fox's love interest in Teen Wolf! Indeed friends, Teen Wolf. How's that for a kick ass way to end the post in some good time reflections of youth and amazing cinema! Happy Friday!

Do Things Your Way, Huh?

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

There was a time back where I listened to Female Boss' recommendation on how to summarize a certain report that we use here at the office. I remember fighting tooth and nail with her on altering the specific way I had tailored the summarization report bcuz I felt that it was just a smarter way to handle it. My superior intelligence is not the point of this post tho.

Basically Female Boss came up with a way for me to handle certain phrases and what not for said report. Like I said, I resisted, but eventually gave in cuz hey she signs my check. What can I do? I can only argue my case for so long and if she doesn't agree.. well I gotta do what she feels is best.

Time passes and I am adapted to her way of writing the report. I have even improved upon it somewhat and she couldn't be happier. Like most things in life, the happiness fades. Female Boss starts bitching more and more about the same report. Not any of the other charts, graphs or summaries that we do. Only this one. So I figured I would take some preemptive action and nip the problem in the bud before things got worse. Read as: Female Boss starts annoying the living shit out of me.

Well, after careful scrutinization something floated to the surface that seemed familiar. In fact, a number of the "new" recommendations that she made happened to be the old style that I used some months prior. I kinda pretended to boggle at the situation and Female Boss was predictable enuff to take the bait.

"Hah nothing, its just that its very similar to how I used to do it," I commented

"No, that's not how we used to do it."

We? You're right its not the way "we" used to do it its the way I used to do it.

"Sure it is check it out," I tells her.

See kids, comeuppence has its king and his name is Northe. Anything that I do in this company I document and make multiple saves of when I am asked to alter things from report to report. That way when fruitcakes question my authoritah I am able to whip out the pipe and slam it on the desk for all to gawk at. Female Boss didn't have much to say after that, I just sat back like a fat Spaniard with a dish of chocolates in his lap. That's right Angry Timers, I win again.

Its Not That Difficult

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I just don't even know where to to start this one, its just utterly frustrating. Its like shoving someone on fire into a room doused in gasoline, you can't lose. There's no way to dance around the fact that Angry Times are gonna be had cuz Female Boss has lost all sense of mental direction. This has to do with something so simple that I would guess that most pre-schoolers wouldn't have to second guess the situation.

Basically a few weeks back we had a printer problem. We have four printers in our office.. well I guess technically five. We have a fifth one out in the sitting room area just in case Male Boss is too lazy to get up I can have the document print to that one. I mean how insane is that!? But that's another beast we'll have to flay another day. This day, I fix this printer problem by declaring, "The printer is dead."

Male Boss asks me if I am sure. I pull out the trump card cuz I don't feel like getting into anything technical with these people anymore.. ever. "Well we can probably fix it but it will cost as much as the printer itself."

Male Boss quickly jumps onto my bandwagon. Female Boss, shockingly, doesn't have much to say about the predicament. So I dismantle it and take it out to the trash. The end of the day draws near and wouldn't you know it, Female Boss' printer is in need of a fresh ink cartridge. She heads over to the cabinet where we keep our office supplies. I can almost see the lethal dose of projectile asshattery hit her square in the mug as she pulls the cabinet doors open.

"So, wait a sec. I can use this ink with my printer right?" she asks.

"Yeah, all of the printers we have are the exact same," I answer smugly.

There is only one type of ink in the fuckin cabinet and she has been using the same fuckin ink in her printer the entire time I have been here! I mean come on!

"What about with your printer?"

I imagine she is asking about my printer bcuz it was the last one we bought but that doesn't excuse the stupid question, "Yeah. All the printers are the same."

"Okay! So we are finally good on ink compatibility! Cool!!"

How do you reason with an insect? Cuz that's what it feels like trying to get thru to Female Boss. I don't have the ability or the patience. The sad thing is, in all honesty, after all that, I doubt she understands the situation.

Top Ten Tips - Part III

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Sidebar: This is the third and final post regarding this series of posts. Please check the prior posts before reading this one. Yesterday's and the day's before for you slow types.

So pretty much at the end of reading that pile of crap I figured this couldn't be the way that all these Top Ten lists that are thrown up on AOL are, right? Well about two days later I catch glimpse of another Top Tenner and I gotta check it. Not just outta the curiosity but the frikkin subject was king:

Top Ten Ways to Stop Road Rage

Holy crap! Now if these fucks couldn't even give me useless advice when it comes to hotels, what the hell is this one gonna say!? I go in with mad apprehension and a more twisted outlook on it all.

The #1 tip on this genius' list is "Get Adequate Sleep." Did I mention that these "guides" are riddled with third grader suggestions? I'm tellin' ya, you guys don't understand. Someone had to have seen this shit and was actually impressed enuff to want to proceed with this and then publish it!! Someone was taken aback with the knowledge dropped on em! Its fucking pathetic. If you have a driver's license and aren't bright enuff to put this together on your own then you're a fuckin idiot, or an L.A. driver. If you're an L.A. driver your time is comin cuz pretty soon I am gonna fix a grenade launcher to the side of my car to start "solving" traffic problems.

The best is what the writer goes off on next. He turns the fuckin article into an intervention. I didn't write down the frikkin title of the number on the list but here's a quote that I jotted down, "aggressive drivers shouldn't try to prove themselves on heavily traveled thoroughfares." What! Thoroughfares!? If you think you just connected with "aggressive" drivers by using a word like that I think you missed the target all together. If "aggressive" drivers relate to "thoroughfare" I'd be more likely to address the fact that they shouldn't be riding up along side each other trying to exchange Grey Poupon or some shit! Thoroughfares! You mother fucker, I'd have said, "Hey King Shit, stop playing bob and weave on the freeway at rush hour or I'll kill you myself." That's probably why I don't write for prestigious companies and why the only place my opinion has a home is on the internet... where millions more pointless opinions are scattered.

Oh, the intervention isn't over yet guys. I shoulda checked to see if this was a girl writing this article cuz it sure as fuck sounds like one. "Periodically roll down the window and breathe deeply and slowly." Isn't this some shit you can see your wife or girlfriend telling you!? What females don't understand is when a guy is pissed off, the last thing you do is tell us how to act. Hearing this during a fit of road rage would definitely take my foot off the break.. in order for me to use my right leg to kick her right the fuck out the passenger door. Seriously tho, if you have to breathe deeply to deal with anything you got some fuckin problems. Seek help. I'm dead serious, that's just sad.. maybe you were raised by a gaggle of hippies.. who knows.

Then my fuckin favorite quote outta this shit, "Use restaurant etiquette." If I knew how to spell the way I yell when I am ripping out someone's eyeball you'd insert that here. What in the holy hell is "restaurant etiquette!?" Whose restaurant etiquette? We talkin the finger lickin lip smack etiquette? The etiquette when you're drunk and hungry as shit in some greasy spoon at 5am? No, no I know. We're talkin the fuckin' Grey Poupon thoroughfare etiquette, right? The Ruth's Chris etiquette that I never get to exhibit cuz I can't afford $150 dinners! Restaurant etiquette to me is when some dumbfuck asks my 11 year old if she wants a kid's menu I answer them with, "No she's hungry enuff to eat a whole grilled cheese sandwich today."

These fuckin' ephemeral geniuses. These fuckin' touchy-feely bitch people. What kind of advice is this? You think anyone relates to this shit? Really, you do? Well I would bet you a tainted murder weapon that needs a set of prints on it that the eunuch that does relate doesn't ever get road-fucking-rage. I'm talkin hittin a family on the curb for points and actually swerving into them to see the reaction. No road rager deals with common sense, that's why its road rage you idiot! Its fuckin Angry Time behind the wheel of a manslaughter mobile! Fuckin ridiculous.

You wanna curb road rage? The number one piece of advice is, "If you often have road rage don't drive!" That's how you stop road rage. Number two "carpool." Number three "break up with your significant other." Number four "get yourself a significant other." Number five "work from home." That's it. Just give them the realness. You don't even need a top ten! Oh wait, wait. They do.. cuz at the end of the article this idiot gives you a slew of links to further investigate causes of road rage. Yes, further reading advised by this baron of dementia.. yes, please.. sage advice and then more sage advice based on what this idiot's opinion qualifies as sage advice. Just dumb me down so I can either tolerate this shit or have a cush lifestyle getting paid to write such irrelevant bullshit.