Top Ten Tips - Part III

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Sidebar: This is the third and final post regarding this series of posts. Please check the prior posts before reading this one. Yesterday's and the day's before for you slow types.

So pretty much at the end of reading that pile of crap I figured this couldn't be the way that all these Top Ten lists that are thrown up on AOL are, right? Well about two days later I catch glimpse of another Top Tenner and I gotta check it. Not just outta the curiosity but the frikkin subject was king:

Top Ten Ways to Stop Road Rage

Holy crap! Now if these fucks couldn't even give me useless advice when it comes to hotels, what the hell is this one gonna say!? I go in with mad apprehension and a more twisted outlook on it all.

The #1 tip on this genius' list is "Get Adequate Sleep." Did I mention that these "guides" are riddled with third grader suggestions? I'm tellin' ya, you guys don't understand. Someone had to have seen this shit and was actually impressed enuff to want to proceed with this and then publish it!! Someone was taken aback with the knowledge dropped on em! Its fucking pathetic. If you have a driver's license and aren't bright enuff to put this together on your own then you're a fuckin idiot, or an L.A. driver. If you're an L.A. driver your time is comin cuz pretty soon I am gonna fix a grenade launcher to the side of my car to start "solving" traffic problems.

The best is what the writer goes off on next. He turns the fuckin article into an intervention. I didn't write down the frikkin title of the number on the list but here's a quote that I jotted down, "aggressive drivers shouldn't try to prove themselves on heavily traveled thoroughfares." What! Thoroughfares!? If you think you just connected with "aggressive" drivers by using a word like that I think you missed the target all together. If "aggressive" drivers relate to "thoroughfare" I'd be more likely to address the fact that they shouldn't be riding up along side each other trying to exchange Grey Poupon or some shit! Thoroughfares! You mother fucker, I'd have said, "Hey King Shit, stop playing bob and weave on the freeway at rush hour or I'll kill you myself." That's probably why I don't write for prestigious companies and why the only place my opinion has a home is on the internet... where millions more pointless opinions are scattered.

Oh, the intervention isn't over yet guys. I shoulda checked to see if this was a girl writing this article cuz it sure as fuck sounds like one. "Periodically roll down the window and breathe deeply and slowly." Isn't this some shit you can see your wife or girlfriend telling you!? What females don't understand is when a guy is pissed off, the last thing you do is tell us how to act. Hearing this during a fit of road rage would definitely take my foot off the break.. in order for me to use my right leg to kick her right the fuck out the passenger door. Seriously tho, if you have to breathe deeply to deal with anything you got some fuckin problems. Seek help. I'm dead serious, that's just sad.. maybe you were raised by a gaggle of hippies.. who knows.

Then my fuckin favorite quote outta this shit, "Use restaurant etiquette." If I knew how to spell the way I yell when I am ripping out someone's eyeball you'd insert that here. What in the holy hell is "restaurant etiquette!?" Whose restaurant etiquette? We talkin the finger lickin lip smack etiquette? The etiquette when you're drunk and hungry as shit in some greasy spoon at 5am? No, no I know. We're talkin the fuckin' Grey Poupon thoroughfare etiquette, right? The Ruth's Chris etiquette that I never get to exhibit cuz I can't afford $150 dinners! Restaurant etiquette to me is when some dumbfuck asks my 11 year old if she wants a kid's menu I answer them with, "No she's hungry enuff to eat a whole grilled cheese sandwich today."

These fuckin' ephemeral geniuses. These fuckin' touchy-feely bitch people. What kind of advice is this? You think anyone relates to this shit? Really, you do? Well I would bet you a tainted murder weapon that needs a set of prints on it that the eunuch that does relate doesn't ever get road-fucking-rage. I'm talkin hittin a family on the curb for points and actually swerving into them to see the reaction. No road rager deals with common sense, that's why its road rage you idiot! Its fuckin Angry Time behind the wheel of a manslaughter mobile! Fuckin ridiculous.

You wanna curb road rage? The number one piece of advice is, "If you often have road rage don't drive!" That's how you stop road rage. Number two "carpool." Number three "break up with your significant other." Number four "get yourself a significant other." Number five "work from home." That's it. Just give them the realness. You don't even need a top ten! Oh wait, wait. They do.. cuz at the end of the article this idiot gives you a slew of links to further investigate causes of road rage. Yes, further reading advised by this baron of dementia.. yes, please.. sage advice and then more sage advice based on what this idiot's opinion qualifies as sage advice. Just dumb me down so I can either tolerate this shit or have a cush lifestyle getting paid to write such irrelevant bullshit.