"Do It!"

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Another day, another Vietnam. Female Boss, in her ever sporadic mission to teach Puppy how to do anything by command, brings The Professional into her plan. The Professional has been kinda MIA lately as he has been working with his sister at her job. This really blows cuz without him around I don't get near as many laughs. Hopefully its only a temporary thing but I really don't know.

So, The Professional came in about two weeks ago. This was first time I had seen him in at least a month. He is his normal self, very upbeat and ready to talk some shit or tells some jokes. When he walks in, Female Boss snaps into action like everything was premeditated. She doesn't even say hi to him, just heads outside to grab Puppy and bring her in. After grabbing Puppy from outside, she awkwardly rushes over to the kitchen and grabs a leash.

Sidebar: You have to understand that I look at this office much differently than others that enter. Most likely The Professional didn't notice anything forced or off about the whole situation. I don't blame him, its only pathetic if you notice it and chances are he chooses to avoid thinking about it. Smart man.

With leash in one hand and Puppy draped over her arm, Female Boss brings Puppy into the office where The Professional is busy looking at his in-mails and any other items of business scattered about the office area. In the worst attempt at acting I have ever seen, Female Boss puts a startled bounce in her step, "Oh! You came just in time to watch Puppy take some lessons."

Gah, fuckin idiot. There's too many angles of attack here, Female Boss would be a shattered soul by the time I was finished with her. Its getting all too easy. Sans verbal dissection of her very being I'll just carry on.

"Here try this," she says.

Female Boss sets Puppy down onto the ground. Off she runs away from Female Boss. Shocker. No control of her dog. It takes a couple minutes to get the beast back into the office and to actually pay attention to what is happening; serious business time, pay attention.

"Okay, Puppy. Today you're going to learn to take commands from The Professional," says Female Boss as a howling wind passes through one ear and out the other.

"I think she's ready," says Female Boss looking at The Professional. "Tell her to sit."

The Professional is obviously agitated. He kinda shifts in his seat and is ready to give Puppy the command. As soon as he opens his mouth to say something, Female Boss interrupts him, "Well you gotta stand up, silly."

This is when I start sinking into my own personal space. I cannot afford to laugh and at the same time it pains me too much to watch so I put the old ears on satellite mode and with an occasional glance in their direction record the events in my mind.

The Professional reluctantly steps up to the plate, "Puppy, sit. Sit. Puppy, Sit. Sit, Puppy."

Would it be a waste of time to mention that Puppy didn't sit? Likely, so I won't. Female Boss won't stand for this. Puppy isn't showing the least sign of interest and the fact that she started walking around the office after his third command is only embarrassing Female Boss further.

"No, you can't just do it like that. You have to snap your fingers to get the dog's attention, then give the command," says Female Boss in her best pretend role to know what the fuck she is talking about.

"No it is okay, I have to run anyway."

The poor Professional knows what she is trying to get him into and he is beginning to look for a way out.

"Oh it'll just be a second, I want you to get her to sit," says Female Boss with a kind yet forceful voice.

The Professional knows that Female Boss is very pushy, he realizes it is in his best interest to just get it over with. I could hear the prayer song of angels going off in his head begging the Lord to free him from this madness. Unfortunately, God has a sense of humor.

*Snap* "Puppy, sit. Puppy, sit." *Snap* "Sit." *Snap* "Sit, Puppy, sit."

"Here, hold on. Try getting closer to her," says Female Boss gesturing with her hands.

The Professional leans into Puppy's face and continues. The best part is that his voice is becoming more and more commanding. Well maybe commanding isn't the right word, its obviously due to frustration but it sounds like he is really getting into the role. No matter what he does tho, Puppy just stands there wagging her tail and glancing around the place every now and again. As for Female Boss, she has a half-smile stitched on her face. My best guess is that she is preparing for the 1 in 1000 shot the dog actually sits and also to give off that disturbing sense of optimism in the face of uncomfortable circumstances. Kinda like the grin on the face of a lunatic.

I hate to report, but this goes on for a good 15 minutes. Still trying to get out of the situation but too nice to just up and go, The Professional keeps stressing the fact that he wishes to leave. Female Boss is adamant in making this fantasy of hers into a reality. More commands are given and nothing is happening. The thing is Puppy doesn't even look you in the eyes. The dog is very detached, so short of grabbing her face and steering it in your direction Puppy won't make strong eye contact. Female Boss gets so flustered that at one point while The Professional is trying to leave she damn near yells, "Do it!"

Its beyond insane now. The Professional kinda stares Female Boss down for a second, clearly distressed. Then, paydirt! Before anything further can happen, out of sheer boredom, Puppy takes a seat as if watching the show.

"Puppy! Oh my God! Yayyy! Good dog, look at that beautiful sit!" exclaims Female Boss.

The Professional, done with what was assigned him, left in a hurry. Poor guy. I don't envy being friendly and maintaining a business relationship with Female Boss. Its just a bit much. So off he went, to do who knows what. Sometimes when I recall the day's events I can muster up words for a debate that this one particular spot in the road outside the house, that may look like an oil slick stain from long ago, really is where The Professional threw up after leaving the house that day. I am almost positive that's the way it went down after he left.