Impromptu Post

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I gotta cut out of today's regularly scheduled post and dive into what just happened here a few ago. Talk about great stuff. Male Boss is on the phone with a Client that is trying to set us up with some bigwig business associate flying in from Chicago. There seems to be some sort of discrepancy between the flight arrival times and when he needs to be at some hotel luncheon tomorrow. Somehow this becomes the ultimate canvas for Male Boss to create yet another masterpiece.

I, of course, can only hear one end of the conversation but it is the only end of the conversation worth listening to. Here goes, queue Male Boss:

"I know but we needs the fucking time to meet him. I'm not gonna go all the way down there, you know, and then not be there at the right time spot for this. No way."

"Yes, but you have to get me the correct time or I become like the Hollywood actor."

I would imagine Client has no clue as to what Male Boss just said. Since I don't, and I have become an expert in deciphering what he is trying to say, Male Boss needs to paint the picture. He does.

"You know what I mean. With the neck slash. They get the blood all over and I am laying down in it. That's me right, senor? So let's not do that. Just needs the right place to be and you got it Toyota."

I mean can anyone make this shit up? It just keeps getting better. Great shit. Definitely worth pushing this one to the top of the list. Male Boss is classic.

Fit for a Monday

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I haven't just gone off about shit lately. I am too preoccupied with telling a story, and true the stories are the bread of Angry Time, but the rants and mayhem are the butter. You guys have been eating dry bread for far too long. So let's fuckin have at it.

A word to Male Boss. When you have a Client for going on ten years I think its high time you memorize the fuckin phone number to reach them. Don't you? Rather than calling me from your fucking cell phone when you're out of the office, take some time and either a) think about the number and start trying to line up those digits into your feeble brain or b) PUT THE FUCKING NUMBER INTO YOUR CELL PHONE! Why is logic dead in this world? Why is the most simple of tasks the last thing on anyone's list? Its ridiculous.

And Female Boss, where do I even begin? How about when you're holding Puppy close to your face and you're doing your best imitation of an auctioneer saying, "Puppy, Puppy, Puppy, Puppy, Puppy, Puppy, Puppy," as quickly as you can and you think that you're actually bonding with your dog and the fuckin thing snaps at your nose and you start to bleed, how about you start understanding that it is an unruly fuck that needs a trainer? A trainer! Your dog bit you and you laugh! Are you fucking insane!?

No, no I am not done with Female Boss yet. When an outskirt friend of The Plastics, that has never given you her phone number or asked you to call, isn't amused to hear you calling her bcuz you got her number from another Plastic you're required to get a clue. Female Boss sits there, on the phone, having to repeat herself with this lady literally two to three times per sentence. I think the lady is trying to tell you something. She's not having it. She's ignoring you, angry or just not interested. Leave her alone, cuz her stupid plastic ass isn't bright enuff to tell you like it is.. put two and two together. Don't spend additional time on the phone trying to entertain someone that doesn't want to hear it. Realize that you're pretty fuckin annoying to a lot of people.

Yeah, the fuckin game players. You asshats in my life that sit there and fluff up scenarios and shit rather than shooting it straight can all go to hell. If you'd actually say things like they are rather than pussy foot, dancing around the real deal while playing games. You realize how much time you are wasting trying to come up with creative ways to dress up a pig? Just fuckin hand the pig over and the pig can be dealt with. Its really not that difficult but you fuckin people love to waste everyone's time with that nonsense. Better yourself idiot, we'd all appreciate your effort to society.

Fuck man, seriously, everyone needs to lock that shit up. Start acting like an adult. Men, stop being males and start being men. Fuckin stand up for yourselves! No, you puss, don't be an arm flailing asshole, just speak the truth. Ladies, here's a taste of advice, work with us here. We are list driven human beings. If you hand us a list of what you want us to do, we can do it. If you fuckin attempt to use your psychic abilities to beam us what you want us to do, we won't do it. Ever. Chances are we won't even have a blip on our radar. So be fucking specific and maybe, just maybe we'll be smart enuff to know what the fuck you want depending on how concise you are. Everyone makes me sick, it must be a Monday.

Never Fails

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

The Professional and I have started building on our relationship. I decided a few months back to give him a call on his cell during the weekend just to fuck with the guy and see whats up. He was pretty happy to hear from me, we shot the breeze, he told me a few jokes and that was that. Every now and then, when I'm the right amount of bored, I'll give him a call on the weekend and see what's up. Its all good times and I think he appreciates my sense of humor when it comes to work. It also gives him a chance to vent about work, Male Boss, Female Boss and Clients. These topics are unfortunately a little too in detail about the work that I do and the people I work with so they're for me only.

To switch the topic and show a little silver lining to you folks I tend to give The Professional shit about how every time, well not every time but most of the time, when he comes into the office he scrounges around the kitchen for food. He likes to grab something small, hand-held, bite size and the like to just take on his way out. Playing on this behavioral pattern I decided to spend a few bucks on some pretty damn legit looking and feeling fake fruit and strategically place them by my desk. I let Female Boss in on the trick and she thought it would be hilarious.

The Professional comes in.

"Hey Professional, my father's apple tree has been doing pretty good lately, share in the bounty."

"Don't mind if I do, thank you."

He picks up the apple and right before he actually sunk his teeth into the thing he realizes its fake. We get a good laugh over it and he gives me a snide look. I'll take that outcome every time and in excellent fashion it keeps happening. Just about every other week I'll place a fake piece of fruit in the kitchen or something like that. I have several types of fruit now too so its harder for him to tell.

"Damn it Northe, I am hungry and you like to fuck with me."

I just laugh at him and scheme for the next time. The best part is Female Boss decided to get in on the gag by buying a few more pieces of fake fruit. Being that they have a different look than the ones he may be able to recognize the test subject will be pressed for intelligence. Unfortunately, I wasn't here for this one cuz it happened late night but Female Boss tells me it went something like this:

"The Professional came in after you left and asked if he could have a piece of fruit from the kitchen. I told him, 'Sure but I think Northe might have planted some fake ones for you.' What he didn't know is that every single piece of fruit in the kitchen was fake so he went from fruit to fruit cursing your name."

Fuck! That woulda been sweet to see. Kudos to Female Boss for actually pulling it off too. Hook, line and sinker too with the setup. I gotta find some new ways to chum up the water and keep him on his toes. Suggestions are welcome.

Questionable Reaction

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Female Boss has a couple sets of friends that she likes to hang with. One of them, I refer to as "The Plastics" the other is "The Romans." The Plastics I think is obvious, they are fake from body to mind. They are very pretentious, fad driven, typical California snobs that do anything but practice what they preach. They're the type of people that have a foremost authority attitude to any subject in the world but still haven't mastered the art of putting on lipstick without looking like a circus clown. The Romans are fairly normal people. I call them The Romans cuz Female Boss is completely different around these people than any other second in her life. She talks like them, dresses like them and is just trying too hard to fit in. Its a play off of "when in Rome" if you haven't gotten it yet.

So anyway, Female Boss prefers hanging out with The Romans as of late rather than The Plastics. The catch is The Plastics have had a pretty big day planned for Friday night and Female Boss really doesn't want to go. The Romans have a family dinner party that they want her to go to and she is trying to find a way out of hanging with The Plastics. Fortune shines upon Female Boss, she receives a phone call from one of The Plastics. I happen to answer it, Female Boss still isn't in the office. Hey, its only noon, what do you expect outta this lady?

"Hey Northe, its Plastic, is Female Boss in?"

"No she's not, you need me to pass along anything for you?"

"Well this Friday doesn't look good, my father is in the hospital, he suffered a minor heart attack so I think I am going to be here for the next couple days."

"Jeez, I'm sorry to hear that. I'll pass along the message and have her call you. Keep us informed."

Message noted and planted on Female Boss' desk. She strolls in nearly two hours later with The One in hand, heads straight for her desk. Excitement fills the room, "The Plastics can't go on Friday???"

"No sounds like one of their fathers suffered a heart attack."

"Oh, good! Thank God!"

My eyebrow arches. Female Boss picks up the phone. The excitement goes on.

"Hey Roman, I get to come on Friday! Turns out there was a family emergency and they're gonna be in the hospital for the next few days. Its perfect!"

Jeezus, are you kidding me here? I mean I am one of the last people to look for in times that call for compassion but this is ridiculous. Perfect? Its not perfect you selfish whore, its fucked up is what it is and you're reveling in it cuz you're gonna get a free dinner? Wow..

Root of the Problem

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

"Hey, Female Boss, where the fucks the itinerary for The Professional? I put it here on the desk and the thing's gone now. You fucking moved it. Where is it!?"

"Hey, Female Boss, the fucking charts for Client, where are them? You take them and move them again? Stop fucking touching this things!"

"Hey, Female Boss, you rearrange the billing cabinet? Fuck, why you keep changing the organization of things? You're killing me."

That's right guys. We have a problem in the office when it comes to keeping things consistent. I am really not one to relate, I would imagine that most guys aren't really able to relate to this either. I mean, I don't think I have ever re-arranged a room that I lived in my whole life (pending a new piece of furniture or something significant of course). Once its set up its set up. Changing the look of the room for the sake of doing it tho, I'll leave that to goons on Trading Spaces.

Male Boss, much like myself, really despises the weekly and sometimes bi-weekly "work flow changes" that Female Boss makes during her bouts of ADD or, as most everyone else would recognize it as, avoiding work. Its not just functional stuff either, she throws things away that she admits to herself she has no clue what they're for. Of course these are the times that Male Boss gets the opportunity to sift through the garbage.

Male Boss had a talk with me right after New Year's about trying to get me on his side and when Female Boss goes on one of her rearranging streaks that I should say something. I give him a wink and a nod to let him know trusty Northe is always there for the team. So last week when Female Boss stepped into the office with hands on her hips with a cocked head - typical female dissatisfied with what she is seeing look - I sat at my computer and turn the office upside without a peep. Hey, just bcuz I am part of the Angry Time team doesn't make me a liar.

Male Boss gets back into the office, luckily she was on an appointment by the time he got back. I tell him that while I was on lunch break she must've made some changes. Male Boss is furious. This time, rather than something that was easily replaced by printing it out, Female Boss threw away some tax forms of his. Male Boss has had it. So he starts doing his own version of feng shui on the office. And by feng shui I mean taking anything with her name on it and throwing it into a garbage bag. Shortly thereafter, Male Boss is spent and leaves for the day. He turns to me and says goodbye without any regret or really any acknowledgment that he just spent the last half hour in a chaotic frenzy. I just sat back chronicling the situation, no problem.

"Have a goodnight, Male Boss."

The next morning Female Boss gets into the office around 11ish, as usual.. work starting of course at around 8 to 8:30. Male Boss still hasn't come in. The trash bag with all her shit in it is in the corner. I make no attempts to direct her attention to it while she is browsing paperwork obviously looking for something specific. Then the revelation, the lesson that Male Boss had been trying to communicate to her since I started working here finally sets in:

"I guess I better quit moving things around cuz I can't find anything either."

It wasn't for another day that Male Boss revealed the garbage bag to her. Sure it was in plain sight and sure I coulda told her but sometimes comeuppence is a bitch. I think Male Boss needed to really nail the point home. The question is if its actually gonna stick. If I know better its definitely not and look forward to writing another diddy about this type of scenario.

Lots o' In-Mails

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Hey guys. I am alive and work is kickin. I have a shit ton of stories sitting here at my side but I am pretty busy prioritizing. Yeah, who'da thunk it. Seriously tho, I am writing to let you guys know shit is cool and I appreciate the in-mails comin' in telling me to post. I will and they are top notch so its gonna be worth the wait. I'm likely going to get on a few stories to finish up the week and get back into the Angry Time swing of things.

In the meantime, ponder idiocy at its finest. Like that Jackass that California took a couple decades too long wiping off the face of the earth for calling on the murder of 4 innocent people. Yeah, you wanna hear the last few moments of that moron's life? Get this, Jackass, during his last meal, ordered food that was friendly to his diabetic lifestyle. You have a choice of about anything you want and you pick some sugar free tasteless bullshit? Why? Oh that's right, cuz you don't want to have a brush with death before you have.. a.. brush.. with.. death.... yeah, that makes sense. Good riddance you stupid piece of shit.

Second of all, something I can't gloss over, is the state of California. Yeah, we put to death the guy that arranged the killing of the 4 innocents. The guy that actually did the killing.. still on Death Row. Makes sense right? Welcome home Angry Timers.

More Disturbing Behavior

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I can't explain why Male Boss is topping the charts lately. Maybe its bcuz when its busy here at work Female Boss makes sure she is a ghost. Whenever she is avoiding coming into work she loves to shop. I am sure most women here can relate. All of a sudden she has a life accompanied with a new wardrobe.. must be nice. Why make money to buy more things with when you can go into debt, right? That snide comment was not directed at ladies, just merely pointing out how stupid people in general are. As I usually do. True to form. Always consistent. Oh..

So with her gone, more daily tasks fall on my lap. No biggie, just leads to more angry times. This time, our server is on the fritz. The server is located in the living room, on the other side of the sitting room. I am no computer guru but I know enuff to figure out the most basic of problems before having to call up someone like faithful Angry Timer, Spheric, to talk me thru the dilemma. This time I didn't have to use a life line but it would require about 20 minutes of crap to get things up and running again.

From the corner of the living room I get to see 3/4 of the TV screen which leads me to slack that much more. Screw it, they can't say I am taking too long. If I call in the tech guy they're gonna be out a couple hundred bucks easy. I am in the power position here. Being as it is, I ask Male Boss, who is watching TV in the sitting room, if I can let in one of the dogs.

"Not a problem, Northe. I don't give a fuck. Just bring in only one."

"Roger that, sir."

I crack open the sliding glass door and in flies Puppy. Damn it. Woulda been better if Pigfoot charged in first but we can't win em all. She dashes around and greets me. I play with her for a few but she's pretty boring so I shove her aside before long. Everything is cool tho, another distraction for when I need it. I get back to my shit, considerring its probably been near 30 minutes and I really haven't done anything at all I should start to focus. Sometimes I wish I didn't have a conscience.

Time passes, I am about done with it, see that there's about 8 minutes till the next hour and make a mental agreement with myself that I won't finish it up till after the hour. I recline back and continue watching television. From the corner of my eye I see movement, I am into the program so I don't alter my field of view.

Damn it, what the hell is that?

I turn my head and get that sinking feeling again. I get to see Puppy latched on and dry humping the shit out of Male Boss' arm, for the second time. She takes a break. He lightly smacks her around the face and she starts up again. Male Boss loves it. He doesn't see me. I am at a strange angle. After about 20 seconds I get my shit done, go to the restroom and wash myself clean. If anyone needs me I'll be in the fetal position, rocking myself to sleep in the corner of my room.

Name Recognition

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Name recognition. Its not that difficult right? Our fondest animal companions get it. So who of the Angry Time office would find this difficult to grasp? Hopefully the answer is firmly in your head by now. Indeed, Female Boss.

Its all too frustrating to recant in drawn out script so let's just dive right in.

"Hey Northe, is Martin, Marcus?"

"What?" I ask confused.

"Martin, our client. Is he Marcus?"

A small light goes off in my head thinking that maybe she is trying to say a joke. So I kinda chuckle and dismiss what she is saying. Then she comes back at me with the same question.

"So is he?"

"No," I say, "They are two different people."

I mean am I really having this conversation? Do I have to explain to a grown woman how two different people have two names and even tho they may be phonetically similar they are still two different people? Is this real? Am I a fucking paragon of intellect or is this complete insanity? How does one get this far in life without having a grasp of this simple concept? I really don't get it. Oh and it didn't end there. In fact, irony struck, Marcus calls and Female Boss makes sure to give him a dose of complete idiocy.

"Hey Marcus, I'm sorry but are you Martin also?"

I can only imagine the deafening silence on the other end of the line. It lasts for a good five seconds, maybe longer than that. She finally backtracks a bit and tries to make a save.

"I mean, is your email address MTobias@whatever.com?"

She listens, then says, "Oh ok, you're MWilson. Sorry."

So not only does she still have a hard time with name recognition but apparently I am viewed as a complete moron in her book. My answer to her question did not suffice. Basically, she felt that further exploration into this subject was needed to arrive at a final conclusion. Pretty fuckin depressing that I can look at her the same way she looks at me. Its that, or she doesn't have the mental capacity to be that discerning. Chances are the latter is correct based on the former.

Seventeen!

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Holy shit, some peoples' kids! Over the weekend a couple of my friends and I go into the champion of most burger places, In N Out. For those of you sad sacks that don't have In N Out on your side of the country imagine a hamburger dipped in heaven. That sums it up. Hands down fantastic. For those that don't know, next time you go order your burger "animal style" or if you're lookin to save yourself a few calories, go "protein wrap." These are unwritten on their simple menu but nevertheless worth their weight in pickle brine.

In N Out is typically a drive-thru experience. You kill about 20 minutes in the car with your buddies while you wait in a slow moving line but the payoff is good eats. However, today would be different. The line for the drive-thru was a good 20 cars deep which is roughly 45 min. We said fuck it, we order now we eat sooner.. so we went inside to order our burgers. Whilst in this fine dining establishment, which is packed to the hilt per the norm, I see some lady in a wheel chair waiting for her order at the counter. I can see that she is obviously perturbed, more reason to point her out to the friends and laugh.

An employee drops down two boxes of burgers, reads off the numbers 22 and 24. The lady lets out an audible sigh. We crack up. 22 comes up and takes her order.

The employee says out loud again, "24."

The wheel-chaired woman comes back with, "Seventeen!"

This is going to be great. We all start laughing. Much to her chagrin I am sure. Like I give a shit, what's she gonna do? I can easily overpower her, right? So we continue to laugh.

The employee drops off another order, "23."

The lady in the wheelchair strikes back, "Seventeen!"

Time passes, "26, 27."

"Seventeen!"

At this point we have a few others following our horrible example of human nature and making the scene that more negatively charged. Good shit people, prey on the weak. The best is that the employees are absolutely and I mean completely ignoring this poor lady. I realize that I am completely surrounded by idiocy, as I am everyday, so its really nothing new.

"25, 29."

"Seventeen! Seventeen!" she yells waving her receipt with order number printed on it over her head.

Physicality is a great sign to realize a person's up and coming breaking point. If you ever are in the business of wanting to know when a person is losing their cool, watch their body language. Her's has become verbose and is borderline vulgar. The In N Out employees are in her head officially now as they keep shuttling back and forth from the kitchen.

"28."

"Seventeen!"

We finally are up to place our order. The girl that is taking the orders has been grinning at us the entire time as we make jokes about that poor lady. Typical of Angry Time, I never allow others to really feel like they are "in" with the joke. So, in asshole fashion I place my order to her smiling and giggling under her breath and tell her, "Seriously, help the frikkin lady out. Enough is enough."

Her smile fades to scorn. What? Don't like being told that someone is suffering within the realm of your own control? Do your fuckin job and if its not your job call out the person who's job it is. Angry Time guys, its a way of life. Fuck everyone. You haven't been paying attention.

"30, 31."

"Seventeen! Seventeen! Jesus! Seventeen! Hello!?"

As I walk by the lady, to fill up my beverage cup, I say nice and loudly to my friend, "Fuck. Order 44. This is gonna take forever."

The jig is up. She's had it. No more guff.

"Seventeen!"

"33."

"Seventeen! Give me my order, where is seventeen!? My seventeen!"

Finally a guy comes out. He's a kid like everyone else working there. There is no visual sign of a "manager" per se. Everyone is the same age. He takes her order and scans the counter. There is nothing on the counter. Its like someone hid her burger and fries. He literally spent 15 seconds scanning three feet of counter space. What the hell! Get the lady her fuckin order!

Five more orders come out before the lady gets her shit. She was so huffy and puffy it was a perfect sideshow. Comeuppence did have its day tho as my order got switched with this other guy's. Delayed my lunch by a good 10 minutes. Damn you Burger Gods.

No Time Fer Thinkin'

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Over the past couple weeks Male Boss is starting to try my mountainesque patience. Its the whole personality trait that is ask before you look. Do you know the type? Those frantic asshats that hold the codex of answers in their very hand yet ask you the questions anyway? Fortunately for my blood pressure, 9 times out of 10 the codex was prepared, written and stamped by me so when he does ask the question within his grasp I fly off the handle. Is it truly that challenging to take a moment and glance at the report that is prepared before you? Is it a necessity to ask questions that have answers inside said report? If so, why not just tell me to memorize the report and when it comes time to ask a question I have all the answers anyway. Save a tree, you fuck.

Now, I bet half you Poindexter's are wringing your hand at me and talking about record keeping and all that bullshit. Let me queue you in on something. I am not lining up the rubber letters and inking the printing press, you clod. These reports are generated from a computer that has all the information to begin with. Entered, checked and double checked by me. Thats our record. So why print the bullshit? Its nonsensical.

However, like everything living, I have learned to adapt. Nothing makes me happier than seeing people grasp for straws when laziness and easy answers are all they seek in life. My attitude is fuck you and your lazy ass. So now, rather than giving the answer I have taken to the school of so many incompetent working people slathered around the globe. The School of I Dunno. With the caveat that I do actually know the answer, hey I can't turn into a mindless slug yet, I have minored in the prestigious business program called Its In There.

"Hey Northe, what was the net income for Client X this quarter," says Male Boss flailing around the printed answer in his hand like an adolescent chimpanzee.

"Oh I dunno, but its in there."

"Oh."

"Oh," mother fucker? "Oh?" What do you mean, "Oh?" You said for me to print the report for that specific reason, you wanted to have the actual piece of paper in your hand so you know its 100% accurate, you wanted to see that shit in black and white but its "Oh really, the answer to the report is on the piece of paper I asked you to print?" By Thor's fuckin hammer, you piece of shit. It'll be "Oh" when I take this ballpoint pen and cram it between your 3rd and 4th vertebrae too, jackass. When I break it off in there I bet that'd be "Oh" too wouldn't it, you fuck?

Look. All I'm saying is do your co-workers a favor. Think a little. Use yer damn brain. Better yourself and take pride in what you do rather than assimilating to the inadequate brain power in your office that couldn't heat up a pop tart. Fuckin' read before blurting shit out like a woman in In N Out screaming for her burger. Make sense? No? That's cuz it'll be the story for tomorrow.

Hmm, On The Topic of...

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Do you know my friend, Chakhtee? On the topic of New Year's Resolutions, the fuckin king of mankind, Chakhtee, came in on Friday with the greatest shit I have heard in a long time. First off, we all know the guy is certifiable, his brain is fried six ways from Sunday. I believe Male Boss has been speaking with a tailor to get this guy fitted for a straitjacket and Friday happened to give Male Boss the gumption to finally place that order.. let's discover why.

Friday was hectic, work for business liaisons is insane this time of year bcuz of all the people coming into town on vacation and coupling that with some good old fashioned American powerhousing. It was serious business time when Chakhtee came in and I couldn't have asked for a better scenario to give me a break. This fuckin guy. Damn it, there needs to be more of him.

He comes in with a monkey suit on. If you know Chakhtee, dressing up for him is a fuckin sports cap. I wanna bust out laughing from the get cuz the suit this guy is in is likely circa the year of the pirate. A frilly shirt would have made this character look better than his off pink-blue pin striped long sleever underneath the tattered smoke gray, two sizes too short, flood waters on the breach pants complimented by cracked imitation leather wingtips. The thing is, this guy thinks he's top notch, he came in with an air comparable to that of The Professional. Lemme tell you something, Chakhtee is no Professional. He's Count Chocula at best.

As for the reason why he's wearing his Sunday Best is bcuz he comes bearing a stack of papers and a New Year's Resolution I would have never seen coming:

"Male Boss, good morning," he starts.

"Chakhtee, why wearing this suits?" asks Male Boss.

"Well, considerring its New Year's I think its time I give my script another try,"

"Script? What the fucks you talking about?"

"I have a movie script that was getting some good play two years ago and I think this might be the year its going to be picked up."

Guys. I didn't even know Chakhtee could write. The fact that he put together a string of thoughts into coherent writing is beyond the scope of what I thought he was capable of. I could very well stand corrected on my lowly assumptions of the guy.

"Let me see this," says Male Boss as he grabs it from Chakhtee.

"Well, yeah. That's what I came to do, take it, check it out, if you guys meet anyone in the business in the next several months pass it along. When you see who I have in mind for the leading role you will see that it might be the prime time to sign him on a deal. Oh and I can make more copies if need be. I gotta run and drop off some scripts downtown. See you guys."

As soon as he leaves, the magic happens. Female Boss emerges from the back room after listening and apparently laughing her ass off into a sweater with the thought that Chakhtee had a movie script that he was actually going to distribute to legit companies. Then again, the man said that it got some fair play. Little may you know, everyone that is in California for the business of movies, singing, anything in the entertainment business, getting attention for your "talent" is as credible as Tookie Williams being nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize. Got it?

Everyone has their story about how they almost got signed to that multi-million dollar movie deal or whatever the fuck. Sure, jackass. In the meantime I whittled a toothpick out of a tree trunk. Idiots, gotta love em.

The script? Ok, the script. Picture, if you will, a mish mosh of old timey off yellow typewriter paper that we used to use typing class in high school. Yeah, that's how old we are, accept it. Then, imagine that the script is 27 pages long. A movie, 27 pages long! Now I admit, I am no compendium of knowledge when it comes to movie writing but I guaranfuckingtee you that 27 pages isn't ample to throw together the script for Disney's The Kid. Then, with a little thumbing, I realize that 5 of those pages are original Chakhtee artwork.

The only thing comparable to Chakhtee artwork is HMT's. The difference is, HMT doesn't include arrows in his artwork pointing to a guy with the words "Brad" and "Pitt" connecting that arrow. Pretty much right there I started busting a gut along with Male Boss and Female Boss. We hadn't laughed that hard in a very long time. Chakhtee brought us together with his brain farts fit for a colostomy bag. Ah, poor guy. I don't want to share the script with you guys cuz it is his intellectual property but I'm sure, while you sit there bored at work, you can think of similar recockulousness on your own. Classic Chakhtee at his finest.

New Year's Resolution Time

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I realize that this is the time of year to buckle down, take a deep look within at yourself and start making some changes for the better. I usually don't do it. I usually think its pretty lame. Reason being is that if you aren't at least matching your own expectations, your typical expectations, then there is something wrong with you. Understand what I'm saying? Every person has their own expectation everyday for themself. Go to work, run errands, do something that is planned.. even if relaxation is part of that expectation the thing is you do it. Meeting goals, reading a book, completing a project, what have you are also parts of this. Sure you can make a New Year's Resolution to say: I am going to do this project, but when you're done with that then what? You met your resolution and you have nothing left to strive for? Of course not. Hence the stupidity of it all.

However, I have found a silver lining when it comes to the New Year's Resolution. This is something that is much like a lifestyle change. You know how people say that they want to eat less, exercise more blah blah blah. Well, why should one limit oneself to something so finite? There is a favorite saying of mine that I learned from Sensei Clause and its time to take back the saying and apply it once again to my life. HMT will recognize this as soon as I say it and I know he knows that when I say it, that Northe's life, my life, is about to change drastically.

"If you wish to drown do not torture yourself with shallow water."

Think about that. Do I even need to expound upon it or explain it to you? I hope not bcuz I won't. That statement, that one statement turned me from an above average martial artist to an exceptional one. That statement stepped up my participation in my daughter's life from weekend time commuting several hours away to moving back to her neighborhood and getting to be with her as many days as possible week in and week out. That statement changed my life. Actually, no. It was not the statement that changed my life, it was through my actions that I changed my life. Yet that statement tapped into me significantly enuff to make me realize what the hell my duties are and that I should not only want to perform my duties but excel in them.

Over the years since then, I look at my right-hand warrior in life, HMT, among other soldiers that I would jump on grenades for and think to myself: Somewhere along the line I have become soft. Hardened and tried in the realms that I moved back to my neighborhood for; my daughter, academics, mental toughness, family. Soft in the realms that I had championed during the days of college; martial arts, physical toughness, being an upstanding citizen. The question is if I can handle the sum total of what I expect of me? Its rather stupid, but its a necessity to get all encompassing in the things we want to change in our lives before we can change them. Which brings me to my next quote.

"Rule #76: Make no excuses and play like a champion."

Know where this comes from? The Wedding Crashers and it couldn't be more appropriate for how I have always lived my life. However, I know at this time in my life I do not abide by Rule #76. I preach Rule #76 to others, yet I have stopped practicing it. The best comedy in recent years, if not all time, was able to do what the previous quote did for me some 8 years ago. With those two quotes, understood and applied, I don't think anyone can become a shadow of their once former, and greater, selves.

The catch is that you have to want it. You have to have the urgency to accomplish whatever it is. If you have no drive, no will, no determination then you cannot possibly win. This is a fact. So, to all the New Year's Suckups that want to hear resolutions or spout out their resolutions knowing that they are something worthy of a monthly checklist, do something monumental. Push yourself. Slacking and turtling from greatness is what the writings in this blog speak out against most. I have gotten fat and happy in my comfort and the time has become to become harder and angrier regarding my current state so that not only will I achieve more than what I am capable but that my work here is that much more top notch. Winning is everything and when it comes to those that I surround myself with, everybody wins.

There and Fat Again, a Pigfoot's Holiday

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

This one is a long time coming. This is the first time-sensitive experiment within in the realm of Angry Time. It was probably a lot more fun for me than the majority of you will find funny, entertaining or even interesting; however, since I have won your hearts you will read this anyway. I thank you.

A little background on this experiment was that last year, the start of last winter to be more accurate. Our pal Pigfoot had a bit of a weight problem. The vet had pointed out to Male Boss that he needs to put him on a specific dietary kibble to thin him out. Male Boss took this very seriously and won over Female Boss in participating in the fight against canine obesity. He ended up losing the weight and went back to being a very fit dog. Toleration of such a tragedy was not an option.

This winter, after brain storming with a fellow Angry Timer known as Gatsulu or just plain Sulu, we come up with a plan. We decided that this year would be the fattening of Pigfoot under the nose both Bosses and it would be a long term effort.

Date of Idea: 21st of October
Game Plan: Excessive amounts of dog treats and extra meals
Experiment Window: Ideally until the 1st of January
Measure of Success: Girth, in inches, of Pigfoot's waist
Secondary Goal: Perform under complete secrecy

Game on:

Date of First Measurement: 24th of October
Girth: 9 1/4 inches
Primary Source of "New" Diet: Any dog treat available

Random Facts:

Most Treats: 17 treats in 10 minutes
Runner up: 14 in 11 minutes
Most Consecutive Days of Treats: 8 work days
Days Treats Were Consumed: 31 of 46 possibe days

Result:

Date of Final Measurement: 4th of January
Girth: 11 3/8 inches
Result: Success!

The success was not only that over two inches were added to Pigfoot's waist but that it was done so slowly that neither Boss really noticed until the last few weeks of the year. In fact, with the extra storage of fat, Pigfoot was more active unlike last year when he was akin to Jabba the Hutt in physical activity. There were two bonuses that I would have never foreseen in this experiment. First, was this story about Pigfoot and how the added fat infected his thought process. Second, and definitely the most remarkable, is that I could have very well made Pigfoot fatter than last year!

I noticed this when one morning I came in and went out back to go play with the dogs. Pigfoot came up to me knowing that I would have a few treats in my hand, when he looked up into my eyes I noticed a roll of fat the size of a pecan log on the back of his neck. Holy crap! I hadn't noticed this ever before. Unfortunately it was toward the end of the experiment that it really bulged when he would look up. Nevertheless, it formed and it is glorious. The bad news is that Male Boss wants to get Pigfoot back on the dietary food. I will not interfere, my job is done and it was awesome seeing Pigfoot morph into a festively plump Christmas Time companion. I win.

Last Day of '05

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

How'd you spend your last day of work for '05? Me? I spent it in typical Angry Time fashion. Basically, Male and Female Boss decided to go to an All-Day Spa Treatment and while they were being pampered like spotted owls I was making sure that everyone on the face of the planet was either on vacation or simply not working. My final observation was as I expected: No one called, no one gave a shit. Its holiday time and a Friday.

However, there is never a total loss of time when it comes to me. So in the void of responsibility I decided to do some choice faxing to my favorite Socialists in the California government, like Fabian Nunez. If you had to work on Friday, I doubt it was as productive as I made my Friday.



On that note, Happy New Year.