"Seems like you need two gardeners."

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Its one of those days where I am just looking at Female Boss and my mind races about how she's survived, I guess on some level some might say successfully, for this long. I haven't figured out if its the fact that her brain is part tapioca pudding and part slug mucus or if she's just one of those women that are so utterly insane only punches to the face can get the sense in. I don't try to dwell on this for too long, madness would indeed consume me and Angry Time would end. We can't have that.. well I can't.. I give a shit what you think. Not really, I think my e-peen has grown a few inches since starting this blog. Thanks everyone!

So here's the latest. The investment property is not rinky-dink but nothing that would be considered large. Female Boss hires a gardener to come once a week to do some basic bullshit around the garden, the lawn and the pathetic flower bed in the front that looks like shit. The tasks given to Gardener and his crew take less than an hour.. there's literally nothing to do.

The best part is, like most gardeners, no matter the size of the job the leaf blower gets thrown over the shoulder for some good ol' Mexican Style gardening. I for one am a leaf blower advocate but on a property this size its really, really stupid. A rake would be handier but hey, its Angry Time and my buddy Mr. Logic quit coming to work years ago.

Every single frikkin time the leaf blower strikes up we get the same response from Female Boss: "I can't believe they are using the leaf blower again! Its just lazy!"

Every time I get to hear it, without fail.. same thing.. every fuckin time. Female Boss' opinion of Gardener has been complete shit, at best, for the entire time I have been working here.

Question of the day: Does Female Boss do anything about it?

That's right Angry Timers, just like the dogs, Female Boss has no need for discipline, confrontation or even some helpful criticism. But hey, you knew this and I am wasting my time explaining the details of that train wreck time and time again.. in this post anyway.

Yet today, something in the air was different. The trusty leaf blower did not spark up. Something was amiss. The dogs were barking like mad at the gardeners and I hear a rake being used along the front lawn. The job is done and Gardener leaves. Holy crap, I don't get to hear bullshit come out of Female Boss' mouth today!

To quote Charlie Murphy, "Wrong! Wrong!"

First fuckin thing outta her mouth as soon as they back out the driveway, "What the hell, that stupid gardener didn't use the leaf blower!?"

Then peering through the living room window, "Its a fucking mess out there."

Now I am pretty sure if a slab of pure steel was in front of me I could have pinched it with my thumb and index finger by unleashing the pent up rage wrenching through my body after hearing these idiotic, blatantly hypocritical words. Yes, fucking steel.. pinched. As in a rippled seam in the slab. Murderous. Hate.

As I walk over to strangle Female Boss thinking the deed could be no sweeter than if I was performing a shoddy impersonation of Kermit the Frog's "Rainbow Connection" while watching her life force drain into my very hands, I glance out the front window. Hmm, seems to me that there is nothing wrong with the looks of the front yard. In fact, I don't think I saw one leaf on the ground.

Female Boss, sucking her teeth and shaking her head says to me, "Can you believe it? Seems like you need two gardeners. Well, I guess I am going to head outside and do the job they were supposed to do."

I reached for her throat at that point but she had already moved toward the front door. Gumption, opportunity and blood lust left my limbs as her being out of the office will suffice for now. I just can't get a handle on how big of a headcase Female Boss is. I mean, I can no longer come up with the words to describe how baffled I am, multiple times a day. My only solace is that I can still sing softly and imagine..... "Someday we'll find it, the Rainbow Connection.. the lovers, the dreamers and me."