Do You Know My Friend...?

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Do you know my friend, Chakhtee (chock-tee, but if you can, make that throat clearing chhhh where the ck is)? This guy has been coming around for as long as I can remember. Chakhtee is a good friend of Male Boss and interjects himself into our lives fairly often. Most of the time Chakhtee is hard-up for cash and needs some sort of work. Male Boss, being the compassionate man that he is, often times lends him a helping hand. The guy is Armenian, speaks english pretty well, has the typical accent and his staying power for comedy has proven to be gold and will therefore now become a cameo star much like The Professional.

I'll start off with an old story about Chakhtee, most likely all the stories will be from the past and we'll work our way up to the present. This happened to be when I first started working here at the office. I was not too savvy about the inner-workings of the office, who Female Boss hates and likes to be blunt with.. even in the beginning I never picked up on her hatred for Chakhtee until a few months ago.

Apparently, the bad blood between Female Boss and Chakhtee goes back to when she was engaged a decade or so ago with some guy. When the wedding was called off due to reasons that are not only none of your business but are also none of mine, Chakhtee decided to barge into her life.

Physical description of Chakhtee is something of a hobbit being cross-bred with this thing over here on the left of Brando from the Island of Dr. Moreau. No joke. He's maybe 5' tall and has a nice rounded belly. So you can imagine Female Boss' excitement at having someone like Chakhtee pursue her. The twist in this tale is that Chakhtee did not do the usual song and dance of most men to entice a mate. Instead, Chakhtee walked along the road less traveled. Told to me by Female Boss the story went something like this:

Chakhtee makes a phone call to Female Boss a day after he hears of the break-up. She thanks him for his concern. Chakhtee calls every day to make sure she is fine. She says she is.

Around day 8 or so, Female Boss tells Chakhtee that there is no need for him to call anymore, that everything is fine and that she will contact him in the future if she needs anything. Chakhtee reluctantly accepts and plays it off like it was only in her best interest that he calls her, nothing more than that. As one can imagine, Female Boss is creeped out regardless of what he says.

Two days pass and Chakhtee calls Female Boss again.

"I thought I told you that I would call you and that I am fine," says Female Boss.

"No, no, no I understand. It is not regarding you it is regarding me," answers Chakthee.

"Oh, and?"

"Well, ever since the last time I spoke with you I have a sty in my eye and its becoming irritable," he says.

What the fuck was going through this guy's head is another issue but to reach out and touch someone only to risk complete revulsion on top of the fact that you look like the henchman from the Island of Dr. Moreau screams lack of tact and critical thinking. Needless to say, Female Boss is pretty disgusted and asks why the hell is he telling her this. He says that he may have to see a doctor over it. I think we all know his good friend, the Doctor, right? Parumph! If you don't get it look up a few sentences, retard.. and no, I am not that funny.

The conversation is furthered by Chakhtee asking her to come over and check out the sty within the comfort of his own home! Playa, playa! I mean what the hell? How come the crazy looking guys from the cream of gene's pool are the bold ones? We, normal folk that do not resemble fictional characters from novels know our limits, perhaps we are the dumb ones.. who knows. Obviously, Female Boss refuses. She hangs up the phone and says he can stop by the office the next day.

He does. Chakhtee shows up first thing in the morning and he does in fact have a nasty sty in his eye that is so swollen his eye is damn near shut. If this isn't enuff, he wants her to take a look at it under a light. When she does, he pretends to slip and fall into her arms, at this point in the re-telling of the story I am in tears. A hobbit of a man falling into the arms of Female Boss just sends me rolling. God he's truly disgusting.. if you could only see him.. poor man.

So if this isn't awkward enuff, after Female Boss relieves herself from being within kissing distance of Chakhtee, he looks in her eyes and tells her, "Your fiancee treated you bad, he did not know how to treat a woman. I on the other hand, would treat you like a queen."

Female Boss feels the bile creep up her esophagus and forces it back down to muster the strength to tell Chakhtee, "Thanks, but no thanks."

So ends the tale of love between the two. Chakhtee never left neither Male Boss nor Female Boss' lives and continues to be a spectacle whenever he comes around. So let's give a warm Angry Time welcome to our newest addition, Chakhtee.