Oh Pigfoot..

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Nothing finer than a day when someone comes into the office to pay us a friendly visit. We rarely get visitors here because 1) we are located on a different side of town than most of our clients and 2) which is more relevant, no one in their right mind wants to visit. So when we do have a visitor believe you me, its something worth mentioning. This one happens to be one of the more memorable visits.

Its about 11am and I receive a phone call from Client. Client says he wants to swing by since he's in the area. I couldn't be happier because I've never met the guy and he seems like someone I can actually relate to in this business. Turns out he's about fifty years old and has known Male and Female Boss for a good ten years. When Client pulls up the driveway the house becomes animated, as usual.

Animated? You know what it means, the dogs are going berserk, Demonseed screams at the top of his lungs and all the humans inside act like nothing is wrong. Seriously, I have no interest in trying to quell the situation and I can deal with the noise as I am not some fruitcake that gets migraines from amplified noise.. you fuckin babies. So Client lets himself into the house, noise is yet to cease, and says, "Wow, these dogs are crazy."

Female Boss comes and greets him with a kiss on the cheek. Practically yelling because of the noise, "Glad to see you could make it."

"I am regretting it," says Client with a smile on his face.

"Oh, they'll calm down soon," she screams.

I go in and introduce myself over the constant barking, I don't get to make any jokes as Female Boss is standing there the whole time. I return to my desk and get back to work since Client doesn't seem to be in a good mood anymore.

"Alright, shut up already," he yells. "Where is Male Boss?"

"He's not here yet," answers Female Boss.

Still distracted and dizzy from his entry Client asks, "Can you shut these dogs up?"

"Okay."

Female Boss gets up and unleashes The Usurper, good ol' Pigfoot. As shocking as it may seem, Pigfoot doesn't know how to act around people. Yes I know, pretty unreal considering he hasn't had any training whatsoever, is never disciplined and gets anything he wants by being an asshole. This day will be no different for Pigfoot.

Client goes to pet Pigfoot. Pigfoot gets right up into Client's face, err, shin and starts barking insanely. Female Boss watches with hands on the small of her back smiling as if watching two toddlers playing in the sand box. I'm sure her behavior is as surprising as Pigfoot's to you all. So Client sits back in his chair uneasily as Pigfoot keeps barking and making short bursting jumps towards him. Perfectly normal.. and Female Boss thinks its cute.. so why do anything?

"Oh, Pigfoot.." she says.

This goes on for, I am not shitting you, a good five minutes. The whole time I keep glancing over my shoulder to observe and the entire time Female Boss is just standing there in the same position, smiling, not saying a word. At this point, Female Boss is kinda reminding me of the crazy kid in elementary school with the crusted snot around both nostrils that enjoys pulling the legs off of any insect he catches. Its almost eerie the way she stares from a mere five feet away and does nothing.

Client can take only so much discomfort and gets up from his chair. Client is fairly tall and towers over Pigfoot, this causes Pigfoot to degenerate to low long growls. I have never seen this happen before with Pigfoot, nothing this bad. I am intrigued hoping to see more. I stop what I am doing and just turn my chair.. had I some popcorn, I'd be set.

"I think I am gonna go," yells Client still competing against the other dogs and Demonseed to stimulate our ear drums.

Female Boss grabs Pigfoot, "Okay." Female Boss smiles and just watches Client head for the door.

"Tell Male Boss I said 'hello' for me."

"Will do."

Just when I thought that was the end, the payoff unfolds. Somehow, Female Boss loses grip of Pigfoot. The house goes quiet as the dogs and Demonseed fix all eyes on Pigfoot. Client hears Pigfoot nearing and freezes in his tracks as to not insight a chase. Pigfoot goes right up to Client and starts acting very aggressive. Female Boss is so stupid she says, "He just wants to play."

"I don't think he does," says Client with a nervous chuckle and his hand on the doorknob.

Just as he gets the last word out of his lungs I hear him yell. I rush over to see what happened. Female Boss is pretending nothing happened and Client is holding his calf.

"That fucking dog bit me," exclaims Client.

Female Boss has the nerve to reply, "No, he's just playing."

Client takes his hand away and points to his calf. His slacks are ripped and he is fuckin bleeding. My sick side wants to start laughing but my professional side makes me walk back into the office before I actually do. I come out a few seconds later, surely with a huge grin on my face that I am trying to pass off as a look of shock. Female Boss says nothing more. Client stares at her for a moment longer and just walks out the door. Female Boss waits for his car to go back down the driveway before she enters panic mode. She bolts to the office and calls up her insurance company.

The conversation went something like this:

"Hi, I just had a visitor at my house and somehow he incited my dog to bite him. Am I liable?"

My jaw practically splits my desk in half from the force of it dropping.

"Uh huh. Oh. Well I don't see why. Pigfoot was wagging his tail the whole time."

Finally comeuppence.

"Oh. So, if he decides to sue we are screwed then? Ok.. well, thank you."

For the better, Client never did sue and still is one of our best clients to date. Every now and then when he calls and he hears the dogs barking he makes a comment to me about the day Pigfoot laid down the law. Fortunately, Client has a good sense of humor. As for Female Boss, apparently she wrote the book on how to demonstrate grace under pressure.

Female Boss Shorts 2

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Scenario #1: The dogs and Demonseed are going bananas cuz someone is in the house. Barking like mad and loud squawking.. totally typical, right? Well, how do we deal with this? NO! Not training or discipline you idiots! Instead, do what Female Boss does:

"Is that a kitty outside? Doggies do you see the kitty outside?"

The cliff hanger we're awaiting is if this phrase can outsmart the dogs and stop them from barking. The bonus question is are the dogs even smart enough to know that Female Boss is talking to them let alone what she is even trying to communicate. Take some time to yourselves.

Scenario #2: Its garage sale time! It's a week before the big day and Female Boss has to put signs up around the neighborhood to let the world know. Making this a team effort I design some fliers using Photoshop. Female Boss is thrilled and I got paid to actually do something that was rather enjoyable for a change. Everybody wins!

Application: The next morning.

"Did you see the signs on the way here?" asks Female Boss.

Now, I must confess, being a male and being that it was the morning, I am not a very observant individual. Furthermore, being Champion-King of Angry Time the last thing on my mind is what is on other's people's mind. In short, rarely do I give a shit. I don't think I need to explain further.

"No, I didn't notice, but I wasn't looking for them either," I say.

"Oh okay, well I put them up everywhere and was wondering if they were still up. I thought that it would be overkill using staples so I just used scotch tape instead."

Scotch tape.. on telephone polls.. telephone polls that have been exposed to the elements for decades.. telephone polls that are filthy dirty and getting anything aside from krazy glue to adhere to them is next to impossible. As I am leaving work I see a few of my fliers in the gutter and one flier holding on with its last ounce of strength blowing in the breeze, face side down. Surprisingly the garage sale wasn't a big success. Go figure.

Scenario #3: I'm getting ready to leave work. I do the usual run of the mill with Female Boss, talk about what we are going to do for the evening and if we are having something worth mentioning for dinner. Whatever. Nothing special, just formalities. So as I am headed to the door, her final question to me before she went to the backyard to garden was, "Northe, do you want any vitamins?"

Then she walked out.

What if I did? Then what!? You fuckin' left you fuckin nut!

Rise of the Demonseed

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I am getting a lot of questions as to why I have yet to really touch on the African Gray, Demonseed. Now I am no authority on birds, even less of that concerning African Grays but why anyone wants these animals as pets is beyond me. They are decent size birds, Demonseed is particularly brilliant as well, and to put them in cages is pretty wrong. If fowls are to be put in cages they need to be producing eggs or preparing to embark on a journey that involves some sort of deep frier, right PETA? Yeah!

This here Demonseed is a curious little shit. He is really smart, as I mentioned, mostly because he seems to take quite kindly to me. Over the course of working here I have established a relationship with Demonseed and am now able to reach into the cage and pet him. Insane considering the absolute freak behavior this bird displays most of the time. Maybe secretly I am wishing for a proper maiming, who knows.

The finest example of how insane this bird is how some days I can walk into the office and have him singing me sweet love songs and other days he won't stop screaming at the sight of me, it does wonders for my self-esteem lemme tell ya. Most days, now anyway, Demonseed will give me a hearty "Good morning." Yes, Demonseed can talk, its the greatest.. more on that another time.

So as I am grooming Demonseed, during office downtime to actually treat me with respect, Female Boss walks in and sees me actually petting him. Female Boss is quite jealous as she states, "There is no way I can get my hand close to that bird."

I find this odd as it is her bird. Oh well, I continue to speak to the bird and pet him daily. A week or so passes by and Demonseed is quite taken by my body massages. Female Boss refuses to be upstaged and starts competing for the attention. Demonseed starts singing to Female Boss with cute whistling. Demonseed, by coincidence or not, somehow knows how to bat his eyes when he is being sweet. Its pretty hilarious how big of a ham he is.

At this point Female Boss is totally making me look like a chump and captures Demonseed's complete attention. Female Boss pushes her luck to the limit and reaches into the cage to pet Demonseed. So picture this, the bird singing while Female Boss reaches in to the cage. Demonseed is cunning enough to give Female Boss the illusion of trust long enough to the point where her hand is half way in. In a blink of an eye, Demonseed strikes at the sweet, sweet flesh of Female Boss' fingers. Female Boss lurches back but it is too late.

The task has been complete. A chunk of flesh the size of an average pinky nail dangles from the side of her middle finger. Demonseed just stares innocently at the result. I am in complete shock, I have never seen a bird move so fast let alone attack someone standing right next to me. Female Boss' finger starts streaming blood like a leaky faucet. She is standing there paralyzed so I rush to the kitchen and grab a wad of paper towels. She holds them against her hand and still hasn't said a word. Then, as if it was straight out of a movie script suggesting a hint of psychotic tendencies beyond the gentle demeanor, Demonseed starts singing again, just as he was before he bit the hell out of Female Boss.

"You piece of shit," says Female Boss as she heads for the kitchen to wash out her wound.

I'm thinking to myself, maybe you shoulda stuck by your first statement.

So there I stand, staring at this fucked up beast in front of me and he looks back with a glint in his eye while he sings. This is one evil, possessed mother fucker. He's smart and alluring. He knows his shit. I respect him and see him time and time again earn his rightful title of, the Demonseed.

Female Boss Shorts

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

These are some stories from a while back but nevertheless worthy of making anyone's blood pressure rise with the stupidity demonstrated by Female Boss. I apologize in advance because they are not particularly funny. I just need a means to vent these short stories and let you partake in the nonsense I deal with everyday.

Scenario #1: Female Boss was talking to her 9 year old niece. Female Boss asks, "What are you doing for St. Patrick's Day?" First thing is why would anyone ask a nine year old what their plans are for a day that primarily involves the consumption of all too much alcohol is beyond me, but that just puts the pig anus scraps in the hot dog.

Niece replies, "Thank you." Obviously she didn't hear Female Boss' question or wanted to chew on a light bulb that was soaked overnight in a toilet, choose your own adventure.

Application: Female Boss calls her friend after her conversation with her niece. She tells her Friend, "Ask me what I am doing for St. Patrick's Day."

Friend does. Female Boss responds, "Thank you."

Female Boss starts to laugh for quite some time. In the middle of her laughter Female Boss explains where that came from. She hangs up about one minute after finishing her anecdote. As she hangs up Female Boss mutters, "I thought it was funny."

Clearly Friend was unamused by her antics.

Scenario #2: Female Boss was talking to her 9 year old niece, again. The niece has recently discovered some interest in the internet and is trying to get Female Boss to visit a website that she enjoys. During this process Female Boss can't see something on the website and lets the niece know.

Niece says, "Try to refresh."

Female Boss comes back with, "I don't need deodorant."

I would imagine the little girl says it two more times as Female Boss repeats her ingenious line two more times. Then, Female Boss explains to her niece that, "I don't need to refresh cuz I took a shower and put on deodorant today." Pa-rumph.

Scenario #3: I am pretty sure that I mentioned before that Female Boss is very dream oriented. I know I have failed to really illustrate this so let's start now.

Female Boss comes into the office, late as usual, with a shopping bag from the local mall in hand. Without even saying hello to me, she starts, "I had the weirdest dream last night."

This usually translates into, "Had I not stolen your scissors from your desk, again, now would probably be a great time for you to plunge them into your urethra rather than listen to this bout of crap I am about to spew."

Female Boss continues, "For some reason everyone was telling me in the dream that it was August. Then I told them, no its not August, its October. All of a sudden everyone gravitated towards me like a deity and started questioning me.

'How did you know? How did you know?' they asked me."

I tried.. but I was unable to swallow my tongue..

Female Boss finishes with, "I think this dream is a direct reflection about how intuitive I am and how hard I have been working on my psychic powers."

Psychic powers? Is she fuckin serious? Intuitive? I bet she doesn't even know what that means. If my monitor wasn't so expensive I would have no problem slamming my head right thru it.

Pay Attention, Padre!

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I had to come into work early today due to our work load and the fact that both Male Boss and Female Boss have early morning appointments with clients. Sleepily I lumber into the office and slump down on my desk until I have a reason to pretend to be coherent and working. Time passes and I hear Padre shuffle into the kitchen and put on a pot of coffee. I straighten my back and begin to pretend like I am a busy bee. He goes to and fro from the cupboards to the fridge collecting his morning meal. Turns out Padre is a quick study when it comes to breakfast and is no longer relying on Female Boss to prepare him breakfast.

"Yes, Puppy yes. Good girl," I hear Padre commenting to Puppy that seems to be shadowing his every move.

"Ha ha ha, yes The One, good boy," sounds like Padre is having a ball.

Female Boss is nearing as all of a sudden The One's attention is turned to intense crying. Not more than a few seconds later do I hear Female Boss enter the living room.

"Oh shit, Padre! Get the hell out!"

"What say?" questions Padre.

"Somebody has the runs!"

"The what?"

"The runs! Somebody has the runs! Get out!"

"Oh for the love of Pete!" snaps Padre.

I get up to survey the disaster. Essentially the kitchen floor looks like a two year old took a gallon of brown paint and smeared it everywhere. I guess one of the dogs opened the sluice box earlier in the morning and poor Padre never saw it. His pajama bottoms stirred it all up and smeared it everywhere possible. Poor Padre's white striped pajama bottoms are completely sopping wet and have brown paw marks all around up to his knees. So foul.

Now We're Talkin!

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

These are the reasons I love working here. I knew this clown would pay off bigtime for the blog. Oh and by the way, by no genius of my own, I have decided to start calling Priest, Padre. Shall we?

I get into work and I see Padre walking around in circles in the backyard for some morning exercise, I imagine. Its nothing special, a 20x60 lawn where logically the dogs could stay but don't. That's neither here nor there. So he's outside with The One, Pigfoot and Puppy. As I walk through the house I notice Padre has stopped walking around and I can hear him muffled through the sliding glass door making some sort of attempt to communicate with those of us within. Knowing better than to diffuse the situation myself I walk on by and observe from the quiet of the office. Plus Male Boss is sitting there not giving a shit either.

Seconds after I sit down, I hear Padre let out a muffled yell. It sounds like "Help" but I can't even think back to it as my mind is doing its best controlling my body from hurling itself off the chair and laughing out loud. Male Boss gets up from his couch and heeds the call of Padre.

"What the fuck!?" says Male Boss heading towards the sliding glass door.

"What the fuck, Puppy is raping you Padre?" he asks thru the sliding glass door.

Sidebar: Male Boss uses the word "rape" to describe any instance of what most people would recognize as bothering.

I lean back in my seat to get a better view. Male Boss tries to open the sliding glass door. No dice. Male Boss starts jerking the door forcefully. What has happened is the sliding glass door has locked itself, its an old door and tends to do that when closed with force. Padre must have done this upon his exit.

Male Boss, rather than unlocking the door starts to panic, "Fuck! Female Boss, the glasses is shut! Help! Padre is being raped!"

I can't remember if I started laughing at this point or if what happened next caused me to lose it.

Female Boss comes rushing in, "For Christ's sake Male Boss, stop using your degenerate language around Padre. Have you lost your mind?"

Ignoring the fact that the door needs to be unlocked, Male Boss continues, "The fucking Puppy! Stupid whore is raping him, get her the fuck outta there!"

Both Male Boss and Female Boss are standing there doing absolutely nothing for what seems like an eternity. The sliding glass door is still closed and locked. Neither have tried to open it still.

"Padre! Kick her in the nose, get her the fuck off! Get her out!" screams Male Boss thru the sliding glass door.

I hear Padre scream muffled again, "Help!"

Around this time my supply of air is dangerously low in my body as I can no longer take in breaths, only expel carbon dioxide in the form of howling laughter. Tears are streaming down my face. Finally, I hear the sliding door click unlocked and open.

"You whore! You son of a bitch, mother fucker! Get the fuck off of him!" yells Male Boss as he runs outside to chase Puppy away from Padre.

"Jesus Christ would you get the hell outta here.. god damn it, you idiot!" screams Female Boss at Male Boss.

"What the fuck? Stupid fucking dog and you yell on me!?"

"Shut the fuck up and get Padre some ice for his finger."

Turns out Puppy clamped on ol' Padre's finger, per the norm, and let loose a little blood. Once things cool down and Padre's heartbeat is regulated he explains his plight from the safety of the kitchen.

"Well once Puppy latched on to my finger, Pigfoot and The One kept jumping on her back and I couldn't shake her free at all. I didn't know what to do so I called for help."

As if this wasn't good enough to end the story, Male Boss interjects with, "Your dogs have a problem Female Boss, Pigfoot and The One are sodomites and I can't take it anymore!"

Such language and disregard for all that is holy.. all in front of the Padre. Its awesome.

Male Boss-isms

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Yes, indeed. Just like Female Boss has mutterings. Male Boss has some classic moments credited to him in the annals of history of the English Language. Here are a couple of his more popular quotes.

First Scenario:
Male Boss is in a huge heated argument last Thanksgiving, just after the holiday weekend, with a Client. They are cussing back and forth non-stop. Now Male Boss is pretty frikkin savvy when it comes to obliterating someone with bad words. However, since his opponent is either just as good or it isn't phasing him he decides to embark on the tragic path of using wit to win the argument.

"Fuck you, you are an asshole," yells Male Boss for the 15th time.

Time passes, Male Boss is fuming.

"Oh yeah! Well it sounds to me like you had too much turkey over the weekend!"

Boom! He hangs up the phone with a slam.

I start dying laughing.

"I got him pretty good, right?" asks Male Boss looking for praise.

I am laughing so hard I can't even correct him or tell him how stupid that accusation really is.

Second scenario:
Another heated situation. Male Boss is at his wit's end with a Client that gave him the wrong address to see a different Client. Male Boss called me about 3 or 4 times while out in the field trying to get me to help him find an address. After quite some time of failing to find the individual's location, the lady he is looking for calls and tells him to just forget it, she will get around town via other means. Male Boss is pissed.

Male Boss comes back to the office and makes a bee line to the phone to call the primary Client.

"What the fuck, you gave the wrong address to me and I wasn't finding the lady at where she was at."

I perk up bcuz when its gibberish time, its Angry Time.

Correcting whatever crap Client flung back at, Male Boss responds with, "No, no, you had me fucking up the wrong way. Then she calls and tells me to go fuck myself."

"The bottom lane (yes, I didn't mispell 'line') is that the fucking address was wrong and I had my head cut off by the rooster."

Something tells me that's not the phrase he was fishing for.

Third Scenario:
I am talking to a Client that absolutely adores us. I have been talking to him on the phone for about 5 minutes just soaking in the praises about how great we are to do business with. I let Male Boss know that Client is on the line for him.

Now I have heard him say this many times to clients and I never ever correct him cuz its just too hilarious.

Male Boss picks up the phone, "Talk to you!" he says.

A couple seconds of listening, "Yes buddy, talk to you!"

The conversation goes beyond the first awkward moments and they discuss whatever. Nothing left to report. Now if you don't know what Male Boss is trying to say, when he says "Talk to you" think about it for a second. Give up? He is trying to do the '80s cool guy phone line of, "Talk to me."

Exercise in Irrelevancy

Not posting the usual link to Day One of the blog simply bcuz Angry Time knows no bounds and as the Champion-King of Angry Time I reserve the right to speak about whatever the fuck turns a possible good time into an Angry Time. This post will not follow the ongoing saga of the Workplace but rather a rant on idiocy and the common man. The idiots we are surrounded by on a daily basis that are an asshair's width away from being dismembered by me at any given time.

Enter the AYSO. The feel good, no score keeping, all-volunteer hugfest that makes soccer look like a sport for sissies. That's right, everybody wins, hugs all around.. anything possible thrown into the mix to be the polar opposite of what real life and competitive sports is about. You know what tho, that's not what pisses me off about the organization bcuz no matter how much trash I can talk about the league, at least it makes playing soccer possible in my local area.. though marginal it may be.

So Opening Day was this weekend. Yes, kids get the Opening Day to celebrate the first games of the season and to march around with their coaches and newly made banners. Lets start with what awards AYSO with their first golden star of idiocy.. the timing. The kids were told show up for Opening Day ceremonies at the unholy hour of 7am on a Saturday. I ask you Angry Timers, who the fuck wants to wake up and wake their zombie of a child up at 6am on Saturday then be forced to feign interest at something that is so preposterously boring I was literally boo-ing during speakers? Those that put together AYSO do.

So I arrive ahead of schedule with my star soccer player at 6:45am. I can see my breath in front of my face and no sign of the sun cresting over the horizon. Hell of a way to start off the day. Upon entering the stadium where the ceremony was to be held we see a bunch of idiots scrambling around passing out bright neon yellow fliers. I take a flier and realize this is the 3rd time I have received the exact same flier since practice started 2 weeks ago, earning AYSO their 2nd gold star of idiocy right off the bat.

After a scan of the field, Coach has not shown up yet, nor have any other players on our team. An hour flies by as my star soccer player and I sit in the stands pointing and laughing at the keystone cops that are setting up the podium, speakers and refreshment tents. An hour. Still no coach. Way to go Northe, timeliness is punished here for it is not the real world.

We are now staring at 8:30 and we have been grumbling to the comic stylings of some AYSO mouthpiece trying to rally the parents. He's actually doing a great job entertaining the masses as the G-Rated version ofBob Saget humor seems to be the standard comedy fare for these idiots. Golden star of idiocy number three earned. I have said, to gauge reaction several times now, "What say we go grab some breakfast, this appears to be a waste of time." Unfortunately, my star soccer player still has the gumption to stick it out and see her friends from years past and actually be there for the team. Sweet, sweet innocence. I can't complain, it shows that I have done a good job instilling dedication into her.

A quarter to nine rolls around and finally Coach makes her appearance. I send off my star soccer player to go meet up with her team. Turns out they all met up across the street at the local pricey hot bean water establishment (read as: Starbucks) without informing me. Turns out men are not a gender favorite among the local soccer moms on our team, so informing me would have only shown their weakness in the presence of my star soccer player. Those ticking packages they will be receiving in the mail next week are from me.

Shortly thereafter, the muppet parade of irrelevancy ensues as speaker after speaker from AYSO steps up to the podium thanking everyone involved for making this season possible. All the chairman, spokesholes, heads of.. all the titles that you can think of. All of them, earn golden star of idiocy number four by, chuckling it up with inside jokes and making sure that everyone realizes how difficult the last month of preparation for the season was. Yes, the entire season that falls on the back of the parents (the volunteers that make AYSO work) and the AYSO answering machine that will do its best to collect all concerns from parents without returning a phone call. Well done you incompetent self-righteous assholes.

Now the fifth and final gold star of idiocy was awarded by special guest speakers. Socialist asshole people from the local city government came out to not speak about soccer and AYSO, but to stand on the soap box and talk about how much good THEY do for the community. As each one was introduced, knowing them by the patent retardation they have displayed in office, I stand up and boo over the clapping herd of caffeine-induced parents. One lady keeps giving me the stinkeye. Northe takes no guff Angry Timers.

I turn to her, look her in the eyes and say, "What?"

The conversation stopped there, way to stick up for what you believe in, whore.

So the last ten minutes consisted of the teams marching around the track field, showing off their banners and nothing more. A good three hours of my life for 10 minutes of what I thought was more important than anything on display that day. What is really worthy of a lead pipe beat down is that opening day has nothing to do with the kids, it has to do with back-patting, firm handshakes, reach-arounds and over the shoulder chuckling while facing a seated panel of moronic colleagues.

All in all, I must say my outbursts at the guest speakers and my star soccer player's sense of humor in the face of incompetence made it a good time. Though, in the end, I must tell you all, we vowed to not come here for Opening Day ever again. Time to go punch granite.

Come back tomorrow for regular scheduled programming.

Such Potential

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Wow. That's all I can say right now. Wow. The next couple weeks are going to be awesome. When I was leaving work last night I heard Female Boss speaking to what I thought was a friend of hers and that he was going to be staying here, at the investment property, for a little while. There is always good times ahead because adding an unknown flammable liquid to an already volatile molotov cocktail makes for unexpected results; similar to the norm but compounding that unknown sense of instability. Being here a mere 30 minutes thus far today, I bumped into a grand piece of information and a foreshadowing to how great it will be to have this visitor here at the office.

As usual, I am getting a bit ahead of myself. Turns out this person is not on his way, in fact, he showed up last night and I am greeted by him when I am coming into the house. Female Boss is in the kitchen pretending that she cooks. She never does. She couldn't make a sandwich. Instead of heading for the office I poke around in the kitchen to grab myself a bottle of water. I spy a pile of gray, yes gray, eggs in a frying pan sitting in about a quarter inch of oil. I take it that is breakfast, poor fellow didn't know what he got himself into. I wonder what he will do for breakfast tomorrow.. or later on today for that matter..

Female Boss introduces me to the visitor. Turns out he is a priest. This was probably the best news I have heard in months. I offer a huge smile and a firm handshake. Priest is more than happy to meet my acquaintance as he has heard "such good things" about me. Just as I finish shaking his hand Female Boss drops down his plate of revulsion aka breakfast. I am sure his free spirited happiness will be sapped soon enough. Starting off with that coagulated diarrhea thinly veiled as scrambled eggs might even make Nic Cage squeamish. I leave the scene without wiping the grin off my face, I'm almost giddy.

As if on queue, Male Boss comes walking in from the front door.

"Good morning Female Boss," he sings.

"Oh god," she comments. "Oh excuse me," she follows up in the presence of Priest.

"Good morning Father. I see that Female Boss makes you the breakfast. She is a very good cook. Where is mine?"

"I didn't make you any."

"How dare you!" shouts Male Boss.

I hear some rustling in the silverware drawer. Being blind to the scene its almost as if the yells from the kitchen painted the picture of exactly what was beginning to transpire.

"What the hell are you doing?" cries Female Boss.

"Shut the fuck up, I am hungry, I just want a taste," fires back Male Boss.

"Oh," I hear Priest say with a startled tone.

"Holy shit, who the fuck do you think you are!?" screams Female Boss.

"The Priest doesn't mind, you gave him a pile of eggs and they taste like shit anyway," says Male Boss. Followed by a sound of a paper towel being ripped at the perforation and Male Boss' muffled gag. Absolute perfection doesn't nearly describe this morning well enough.

So Male Boss not only incites anger to the point of screaming at just past 8am but manages to gaffle Priest for a fork-full of his eggs. The eggs are horrid and he gags them into a wadded up paper towel in front of everyone! Someone from above is shining on Angry Time. This is gonna be a great month.

Logical Question

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I think its high time to let you folks in on another piece of the puzzle that makes Female Boss tick. She is extremely dream oriented. So dream oriented that this only took place this morning and she has already decided to share. With how ridiculous the whole thing is I couldn't help but write it up while it was still fresh in my mind. Here goes.

Start up the big band music! The Professional walks into the office with a sharp suit on ready to pick up some paperwork and hit the town. I know he's planning on having a good day because he is all smiles. First thing, he comes toward me, unbuttons the middle button on his coat as to not stress the threads, and lunges forward with a stretch to shake my hand.

"Today is a fantastic day Northe and I am super excited." The happier he is the wider his eyes get and the more pronounced his accent is. He continues, "I have to take some big tits to downtown and show them a place or two. Then I get to clean off the sweaty big ones with my handkerchief."

I just laugh bcuz there is very little that can even be said that already hasn't been.

Male Boss and The Professional shoot the breeze for a bit, I turn my attention back toward my work. Female Boss wanders in. She doesn't say anything at first besides "hello."

"Well, my friend, I am off." The Professional shakes my hand and smooths down his coat with one hand.

"How's your neck?" asks Female Boss to The Professional.

"Pardon me, my dear?" counters The Professional.

"Is your neck feeling better?" she asks again.

"I am sorry but I don't know what you are talking about."

"Darn it, I had a dream you hurt your neck reaching for a trophy on a bookcase, I was hoping it was a psychic connect."

The Professional turns his head and stares at me for 3 seconds making direct eye contact with me sporting a blank look on his face. No emotions are shown, just a simple escape to who, I think he thinks, is the only sane person in the office. My insides have collapsed in on themselves holding in laughter, as I know he could offer her some choice words but is too much of a gentleman to explain how stupid she is for bringing a dream situation into reality. The Professional doesn't address her any further, instead goes out the back door to avoid any further discourse with her.

"Ba-bye," he yells as he heads out.

So seriously, has anyone ever had this happen. Where someone tries to interject a dream as if it was real out of the blue? Its frikkin mind boggling to the point of wrist slitting. I mean is this not a neurosis? The Professional thinks so and I side with him.

He's just lookin' out for Pigfoot..

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

With such great response, via phone, fax, *ahem* in-mail and satellite uplink from overseas, from this post I have decided to start making Friday the disturbing story day. So here goes.

Typical morning scenario. Male Boss, Female Boss and I are in the office. Everyone is handling their business and the phones are thankfully quiet. The One is going bananas because he is fifteen feet away from Female Boss and not being paid attention to. Soon enough all the dogs are copying what The One is doing. Female boss reacts in any number of ways that include: completely ignoring them, smacking the dictionary on the desk, yelling "STOP IT!" or succumbing to their calls and rewarding their bad behavior with treats. I wonder why this behavior continues...

This happens to be a time where Female Boss is pulling her hair out in frustration with the insanely loud yiping and yelping going on. Instead of handling it herself, she makes Male Boss the point man to resolve the situation. Angry Time faithfuls, shake your heads now. Clearly this is a critical error on the part of Female Boss as Male Boss.. well, read any post about Male Boss and I can say no more..

Male Boss approaches the doggy barrier and leans over to grab one of the dogs. He is there lingering there. Not much noise is coming from his general direction which sets off Female Boss' radar. Male Boss was there for about 2 minutes before Female Boss realizes this.

"What the hell are you doing?" asks Female Boss with a tinge of anger already in her voice.

"Just helping out Pigfoot," he says laughing.

"What? What the hell are you doing!?" Female Boss goes over to take a gander.

Again, Male Boss is bent over the doggy barrier at the waist and both of his hands are outstretched.

"Holy shit, you fucking pervert!" screams Female Boss. "Stop it! Get the fuck away! Get the fuck away from them you sick bastard!"

Male Boss is dying laughing, he crashes to his knees he is laughing so hard. I can only imagine and unfortunately my imagination is right on the money.

"I am just trying to help Pigfoot get some ass, what the fuck is wrong with you?" asks Male Boss with a big smirk on his face.

Female Boss is pissed.

So the story concludes, Male Boss was holding Puppy in place while Pigfoot was trying to go to town on her. Unbelievable.

**********

Off topic: Take the time if you haven't yet. Its our duty as fellow Americans to take care of the well-being of our friends, families and neighbors. People are suffering insanely out there and I will spare you a lecture but I hope that you find the time and put aside anything from drinking money to sushi money and put it towards something that matters more than our instant gratification. Be thankful for what you have guys. Have a great holiday weekend.

"in-mail"

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

As mentioned in this post Male Boss isn't the most technologically adept business owner on the planet. There is not a need to be skilled at using a computer in our line of work but he refuses to use one to the point of competency in even its most bare minimum tasks. This is why it is usually not a good idea to let Male Boss near one, let alone, write proposal letters on one given his shoddy english, grammar, spelling and use of words in general.

Recently we had a falling out with a very big client of ours and are in the process of repairing this relationship. Male Boss, after hours the other day, decided to write a letter to bridge this gap. In his moment of glory he also decided to fax it without letting someone proofread his work. Now if you are a loyal Angry Time reader you know how catastrophic this can be based on the very little that I have shared up to this point.. which I am proud to report the outcome is consistent with what you do know already.

Of course we didn't know that Male Boss had faxed over the letter until this morning. Indeed, the evidence was in front of us, Male Boss had printed and fired out this fax to Kate, the head honcho, at this company before either Female Boss or I arrived at the office.. likely a good 15-20 minutes before us and had left shortly after. The phone rang, I picked it up and a woman was on the line, apparently Kate, giggling but also questioning the state of mind that Male Boss is in. She kind of eluded to drug use but I am pretty sure it was tongue in cheek. Female Boss picks up the phone, once I pass it to her, and turns red. Male Boss has still not returned to the office at this point.

Apparently, Male Boss refers to e-mail as "in-mail" throughout the letter bragging about how we are "inlines" and "onlines" (read as: online - take your spelling pick because he used either/or consistently throughout the letter) ready and capable. That our "sofistikated" (sophisticated) office can handle any and "al" (all) of their "neds" (needs) as a "commpanie" (company).

He closes the letter by letting them know that we can not only be reached via phone but via "in-mail" as well. Our company name is in this "in-mail" address to which he misspelled in the letter.. twice.. two different ways. Our own company name! Then, instead of using the @ sign he spelled out "at", used spaces and used a : instead of a . for .com

Basically, "OurCompany at yahoo:com" is the way it looked.

When Male Boss finally gets back to the office, Female Boss is going ballistic. They are screaming all over the place and he still has no idea what he has done wrong. Male Boss uses the phrase "I did not understands" about twelve times as Female Boss tries to explain how to spell e-mail.

Eventually they cool down and Male Boss is laughing his ass off about what he did. Female Boss is still pissed off and points out the way he spelled "sofistikated." He says that he didn't know about "ph" sounding like an "f". Male Boss goes on defending the way he spelled "sophisticated" by saying he used a "k" instead of a "c" like the girl's name Kate to whom he was writing to in the first place.

"Oh yeah?" says Female Boss, "Then why did you spell Kate's name C - A - Y - T - E?"

Checkmate.

Puppy.. scared?

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Female Boss is in the "dog area" that happens to have a pair of swinging doors to allow for more accidents and close calls at the work place, including a slightly increased percent chance at maiming one of the poor canines. I have suggested several times that they need to put the two doors on some regular hinges as both Male Boss and Female Boss have had some bigtime close calls with smashing doors into each other's faces. This falls on deaf ears as do most suggestions that hover in the realm of intelligent solution.

Onward. Puppy is out and about prancing and following around Female Boss. Into the kitchen they go for a quick bite. I hear the usually growling and snarling between the three animals fighting for scraps of food and Female Boss acting like that it is normal behavior. Pigfoot is the most verbose when it comes to his food. He barks and growls discontently due to the fact that one of the other dogs is being fed while he is choking his portion down. I hear Pigfoot's paws and nails clacking on the tile flooring with very sharp snarls. Usually this means he is lunging and biting at Puppy. Again, to Female Boss this is normal behavior and there is nothing to be alarmed about. No blood is being spilled so it is tolerated. The thing is, Pigfoot is no joke, you don't want to cross him when he gets in a pissed off mood. Finally, I hear Puppy yelp in fear. Female Boss seperates The One and Pigfoot from Puppy, obviously due to a misfire in one of her synapses.

Puppy is back to being a happy camper. Female Boss gets a phone call so I direct her attention back into the office. She asks me to place her call on hold as she washes her hands and gets Puppy to follow her back into the office. The hinged door swings open and abruptly halts and I hear Puppy yipe very loudly.

"Whoa, is she okay?" I ask.

The answer I get is both honest and credible, "I think she got scared that I was going to leave her alone in the kitchen."

I'm dumbfounded.

Puppy comes into the office limping. Asshole.

Spelling Bee Part 2

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Who would have thought that I would have another story about this topic in such succession and who really cares..

Its about noon. Female Boss is reviewing a proposal letter to a potential new client that introduces all of us to the company in question. Now whenever Male Boss writes the first draft of these letters it is peppered with terrible grammar and misspellings. Hmm, this is a huge understatement, lets try it again.. its more like trying to proof read a 2nd grade ESL student writing an essay on taxation.

Male and Female Boss have been in business together for about 15 years now, more or less. While proofreading Male Boss' work, Female Boss turns to me in disgust, "He doesn't know how to spell my name.."

"Male Boss?" I ask.

"Yeah, that piece of shit can't spell my name. Its embarrassing."

I start to laugh and shake my head.

With perfect timing, Male Boss comes out of the back of the house wearing skimpy spotted underwear. Yes underwear, colored and spotted, elastic-banded skimpies. Let me remind you he is European-ish and I don't think I have mentioned before, we have a sauna at this investment property that he loves to use when he has free time.. that or when he feels like neglecting work, which is more often than when he has free time.

So here he is, wearing virtually nothing and wading into a scalding pool of verbal abuse without knowing it. For all intents and purposes we'll say Female Boss' name is Janet. Here we go:

"Male Boss, how do you spell my name?" she starts with an echoing shout.

"I know how is spells your name," says Male Boss.

"Really? Spell it."

"Janet? Come on. Zis is stupid."

"Spell it you stupid piece of shit!" she yells again.

"G - I - N, no wait. G - I - N - I - T. Janet," he says proudly.

"I hate you, I hope you collapse in the sauna."

I'm Dying Here

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

This is going down as an all time classic. Male Boss has been having a problem with his Direct TV satellite lately. For almost a week the signal has been jacked up a good percentage of the time and they also haven't applied some sort of package that he bought to watch soccer.

Last week, a Direct TV guy (Technician) was supposed to come out and scout the problem and fix it. Technician never showed so Male Boss was pretty bent. This morning Technician was supposed to be here at 8am, he still hasn't showed. Male Boss takes things into his own hands and calls up Direct TV to get Technician's actual phone number. Just before he gets Technician on the phone, we get a series of client calls that require his immediate attention.

Male Boss and I line em up and knock em down. He has a few leads that he has to call but puts them on the back burner because Direct TV is still on the brain. Its very difficult for him to move on until something is resolved. So Male Boss makes the call. Technician doesn't answer his cell phone. The voicemail message starts and I can hear Male Boss kickstart the anger.

"This fucking guy. Doesn't answers nothing from calls that come in."

He gets to his feet and starts pacing while holding a sheet of paper in his hand waving it around audibly, "I'm gonna kill him."

Begin voicemail message, "Yes hi, this is Male Boss, you were supposed to be at my properties last week and something this morning. You know I have a business to run and don't have time to be fucked around with by an irresponsible ass like you. Either you show up at my house or you don't come but I wanna know."

An awkward pause occurs for about 3 seconds.

"I think I have the wrong number."

I hear him click the phone off.

Male Boss' voice is a whisper, "What the fuck, I called the wrong fucking number? Did I?"

I pretend to be concerned, "Hit re-dial and check." If in fact he dialed someone else it would have to be a lead on a potential client.. nothing else would make sense. Obviously, this isn't the type of screw up you want on a lead, especially since Male Boss said his name on the voicemail. The likely scenario could very well be that the sheet of paper in his hand with the numerous numbers scrawled about it may have deceived him.

Male Boss takes my advice and hits re-dial.

"FUCK!" echoes through the office. "Fucking fuck!"

I think he dialed the wrong number.

Another Normal Day

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Female Boss spent the night at the investment property. Usually when she stays overnight here that means she is taking it easy kinda like a semi-vacation. She is in her bathroom blow drying her hair. It usually takes her from 8:45am when I get to work to about noon to be ready. You know, ready.. to look good enough to sit in front of the computer for the rest of the day.

Its a little before noon and Male Boss is getting ready to leave. He starts yelling at Female Boss for her to turn off her blow dryer. Female Boss can definitely hear him as he is right outside the door screaming loud enough to get Demonseed to start screeching loudly.

"What the fuck!? I know you can hear me! Answer me and turn offs the blow dryer!"

Eventually she does.

"Okay, I have some duties for you to do today," lectures Male Boss.

No answer from Female Boss. I can picture her rolling her eyes in anticipation of what Male Boss is about to say. This is the typical response from her whenever he is spouting off about something. His "duties" were short and sweet and nothing but a classic (read as: normal) topic of conversation from Male Boss.

"The One took a great shit in the kitchen so clean that up and feed him something nice."

Male Boss ends with that and takes his leave.

I admit I did have a lack of interest to take a gander even though he decided to use the adjective "great" to describe the pile of dog shit in the kitchen. Next time my curiosity may get the better of me. Really though, its the cerebral discussions like these that make me value not only my brain cell count but the fact that I get paid to listen to such insanity. Anyway, it was obviously worth delaying his departure to be sure to get Female Boss' attention and then make her listen intently to what he had to say. I love my job.

Off topic slightly but never totally: I gave a call to Shaft, regular Angry Timer, and let him listen to The One yelping non-stop yesterday. Female Boss was some 20 yards away and for a solid 20 minutes, and Shaft as my witness, the dog did not shut up the whole time.

"I pushed the fucking phones offs!"

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Well Male Boss is a guru of technology and by that I mean an idiot savant when it comes to technology. One of the cordless phones located next to Male Boss is humming, indicating that a phone call has been holding for a prolonged period of time. The humming goes on for about 5 minutes going off every 20 secs or so for a good 5 secs at a time. It was getting pretty annoying but it represents how fragile the balance is in the office until the tipping point is reached.

Female Boss, working on another computer with her back to him, turns around and shouts, "Fix your fucking phone you retard, can't you hear that its trying to tell you something's wrong!?"

Game on.

Male Boss ignores her. Female Boss throws a paper clip at the back of his head after hearing it go off a few more times. In his thick Communist accent Male Boss says, "What? What the fuck you want me to do about the phone!?"

Female boss stares him down and with the sluggish speed of a methodical murderer says, "Turn off your God damn phone!"

Male boss starts mashing the keypad with calculated idiocy. "I pushed the fucking phones offs!"

The "phones" starts to ring, he can't answer it as he has to clear the call on hold first. He hurls the phone full force to the marble flooring smashing it everywhere. At this point my stomach is cramped from holding in laughter.

"What the hell is the matter with you? Your cholesterol is going to your brain," announces Female Boss.

"The phones fucking ranged!" he quips back.

"Demonseed (the bird) can speak better english than you."

Female boss wins and another paragraph is written for the codex of work time history.

Now why didn't I defuse the problem and cancel the held call as it started? The preceding is exactly why. Love it.

Female Boss Mutterings

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

We have student style seating here in the office, side by side, sometimes too close it feels as more often than I care to admit I find myself catching Female Boss muttering under her breath some of the most random and even disturbing things. Here's a few I have written down in the past week or so:

"I need some more of that brown stuff." - I don't even wanna know.

"Wow that valium really works." - A statement like that goes over like a fart in church at this point.

"Remember what they said on 60 minutes?" - A pointed question to her imaginary friend I take it.

"That fucking photograph." - She said this as calm as could be.

"I have to neuter Pigfoot." - :(

"There was urine everywhere." - While writing an e-mail to someone.

The sad part is when I first started working here I would actually try to answer/comment or ask her to repeat what she said because I thought she was talking to me. She would almost never respond when I would acknowledge her mutterings. Its all very odd.

Hahahah just now! "Who took a doo doo there?"

For the Ladies

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

So today, the Small Business company we order office supplies from came in a little late. I am doing my thing organizing and putting the crap away and restocking. Right next to the office is a sitting room with Male Boss' patent leather couch mentioned in this post and a TV. Male Boss is chillin' watching TV per the norm when he gets back from seeing clients. Pigfoot and Puppy are running around, I grab Pigfoot and put him back cuz he is attacking a pillow and even though I don't care, I don't feel like allowing it to happen. I guess I have a conscience after all.

So, Puppy is now laying on the couch with Male Boss, I see this cuz as I walk back and forth in the office I have a clear view of the sitting room. Like I said, I'm doing my thing and I hear Male Boss whispering something. I find it odd as all the phones are in the office at the moment. I kinda stop and listen for a sec.

"Yeah, Puppy, that's it."

A few seconds later he starts again, "Do it, Puppy."

I'm thinking to myself What the hell?

Before my imagination can run with it the phone rings, I go to answer it. Its for Male Boss. I have already forgotten what I was hearing coming out of his mouth.

I go in to bring him the phone. Puppy is latched onto his arm and full force dry humping his arm. He is loving it. I kinda do a double take cuz he was talking dirty to her. Before answering the phone he looks up at me, pulls his arm away from the dog clearly not embarrassed in the least and says:

"Its her only pleasure."

Spelling Bee

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Its Friday folks, lets make this one short and sweet.

Frustration looms in the workplace. Phones are ringing and Male Boss is getting what our clients call "distresses." Distresses are basically clients that have urgent matters that need to be attended to as soon as possible. Usually it results from a miscommunication as one message filters through four or five people before arriving at the end party. Distresses that I cannot handle suck bcuz, like with everything else, Male Boss procrastinates and then stresses himself out when all the shit is splattered and crustifying on the walls well after it has hit the fan.

So the morning goes.. hectic, frantic and extremely loud. Female Boss is watching on, doing bupkis to help her foreign counterpart. Two hours later the madness ends as every distress is met and the phone stops ringing with requests.

"Fuck!" Male Boss yells in victory.

"Fuck man, fuck! Fuck. I am sick of this shits! Fuck!" Male Boss goes on.

Male Boss grabs his car keys and starts to head for the door to go see a client. As he is leaving, "Female Boss, how do you spell fuck?"

No answer from Female Boss.

"F - E - , no, F - U - C - K? Right?"

I am laughing at this point.

"Right, Northe?"

"Yes, sir," I say.

"Very good."

Male Boss leaves.

As HMT says, "Its Friday, get the beers in."

Office Calls

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

A big part of the business is calling and maintaining relationships with our clients. Initial ice breaker conversations, follow up calls and shooting the breeze. All this is vital in keeping a happy client and phone etiquette with personality are key. Its bad enough being bothered with a phone call so making sure you can make 'em laugh and/or talk about something significant builds the bond. That said, let's remember where I work.

Some mornings, Male Boss has wicked phlegm. Apparently its not just that thick sticky waddy kind, its the stringy gelatinous strain that just won't move up or down enough to expel itself from his throat. This is the recipe for some of the most vile sounds I have heard come from the human body but it also makes for hilarity.

Male Boss is placing a phone call, its roughly 11am. Its been a great morning for me so far. I'm handling my thing in the office and Male Boss takes a seat on the patent leather couch, kicks his feet up on the dark oak coffee table. He reclines back and slouches down like a pimp holding a new client folder in one hand and one of our cordless phones in the other. Male Boss is putting on his game face, you see the first call to a client is crucial and depending on what business they are in you have to roleplay it a certain way. He dials the numbers with a cocky spring in his finger.

No answer. At this point you have to decide on whether or not a message is that important.. first time client, you bet it is. Set the tone, let them know who you are, how they can reach you and all is good. Basic everyday thing in our line of work.

Male Boss yanks his feet off the coffee table and pulls his elbows onto his knees ready to leave his message.

"Hello this is echechchchehchch." Phlegm vibrates in his throat as he tries to clear it.

"Sorry, I had something in my throat, this is chcheehhcchehchhchcch." The phlegm bubbles and shifts but doesn't budge.

"Sorry, ehchchehchchehchhchchh."

Male Boss hangs up.

"Fuck!" he yells, "My God damn throat!"

"Eehcchcehhhchchcehch," he clears his throat thoroughly this time.

Now with a distinct accent like his he has to change the game plan. He doesn't want to be affiliated with the previous caller that totally made a fool of himself on a company voicemail. Lucky it wasn't a cell phone with Call ID. He goes for the voice disguise, which in his case is shoddy at best but better than nothing.

Male Boss dials, phone rings, voicemail picks up.

Lowering his voice, "Hi this is Male Boss calling you from Company Name. We received echeehchehchhcchchehchh."

The gig is up. He got his name out and the phlegm just wrecked him. I hear paper fly up into the air and land all around him. He hangs up the phone fuming mad.

My stomach cramps from holding in laughter. Great start to a day.

Mandolin: For The Win!

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Typical of Female Boss fashion she goes on her spurts and kicks of trying to better herself. I guess we all do but some are so random. More on those stories another time.

Let me expound on her random thoughts, the whole "Bean Thing" phenomenon sprouted from her New Year's Resolution of eating more exotic and "festive meals" whatever the fuck that means. Typical New Year's Resolution right? Of course!

This particular kick was not random tho, just amusing. So, when Female Boss' brother came to visit last year, he had mentioned that he wanted to start playing in his folk band again. Supposedly he played with them for about 15 years and was quite good.

Ol' Female Boss, she really is a nice person, thought it would be a great idea to buy a Mandolin and practice so by the time he comes back next year it would be a treat to play for him.. what a heart. So for the next 3 days she is playing for about two hours a day, while I am at work, teaching herself from a book. Now I don't know the first thing when it comes to playing/reading music let alone what the hell a mandolin is good for but it was pretty interesting and didn't sound horrible. I decided to feign interest and encourage her during one of her breaks.

"So, Female Boss, you plan on finding a teacher and taking lessons?"

Female Boss looks at me like I am crazy. So much for trying to be nice and logical at the same time.

A few days later, during a mandolin practice session, The Professional comes into the office. He's extremely excited to see her playing the mandolin. I mean his enthusiasm is downright unmatched. Apparently, The Professional was a pimp mandolin player back in Germany! Is there anything this guy can't do?

(Remember Arnold accent) "Oh this is absolutely great, just great. Please, please my dear, allow me to show you some pointers. First of all move to the other room, the ceilings are higher you will hear the music that much better."

Female Boss is threatened by his advances for some reason and is reluctant to accepting/listening to his advice. Head case? Yeah. The Professional offers again giving some additional sound tips. Female Boss reluctantly accepts.

So the story goes, The Professional hasn't played since he was 18, he says, but plays very well. Back in Germany it was just not that popular of an instrument which is why he said to me on a later date, "I thought something so exotic would get me all the big tits."

God bless that man. So, after a short session with The Professional, Female Boss comes in bright-eyed and smiling. A few seconds after The Professional gathers his things, discusses his itinerary with me and leaves:

"I don't think he knows what he's talking about," says Female Boss after the door closes.

Unbelievable.. I mean come on. What the hell is her problem!?

The practicing goes on for another week as The Professional inquires daily about her progress. As most of our wild endeavors it ceases shortly thereafter. No more practicing, no more mention of it.

The Professional comes in to work, like, 5 months later. Female Boss is facing her computer reading her email.

"So Female Boss, how is the mandolin?"

"The what!?" Female Boss blurts out. She tends to yell often especially when she hasn't the slightest idea of what is asked her.

"The mandolin, have you been practicing?"

"What are you talking about?"

You gotta be kidding me, I think to myself....

"Ohhh!" She says and laughs.

Followed up by nothing. The silence is very awkward and I can feel the heat on the back of my neck. I turn and look at The Professional that is staring at Female Boss' back waiting for an answer. He looks at me in awe. I smile and shake my head returning to the paperwork on my desk. About one more minute of absolute dead air fills the office.

"Well, bye." The Professional leaves. I'm baffled.

Male Boss and "Yeah"

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" then click "Angry Time" on the top panel and navigate other stories from the side. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

There's no other word that comes out of Male Boss' mouth that is equivalent to "I'm not listening to anything you are saying" than the word, "Yeah."

Everyone has the phrase or word that means just that or maybe you like to switch it up like I do. My words are, "Ok," "mmhmm," "Oh," and "Really./?" No one's the wiser.

Often I find myself having these cerebral exchanges with Male Boss that consist of a word or two coming out of our mouths as we have no clue what the other is saying. Its common cuz for the most part it really doesn't matter. Come time to for real deal business it gets handled by each of us cross checking our reports or what have you.

The other morning we had a rather riveting conversation regarding some changes on a report he wanted me to do. By the way, Male Boss is very vague, its not bcuz he is dumb, in fact he is very cunning. With such cunning comes the fact that he NEVER accepts blame for anything, ever, under any circumstance. He achieves this by making it someone else's fault, the more vague he is the easier it is to place blame on someone else for not following instructions, you follow? I learned this once and I will never have it burn me again.

Continuing back on track, since absolutes are his enemy I usually corner him in. He offers, "Yeah"'s about this particular client itinerary he wants changed. I keep asking him specifics and he stares at his computer hunting and pecking at his keyboard saying, "Yeah."

He has no clue what I am saying bcuz at this point I have said the exact opposite thing twice now and he still says, "Yeah." I no longer feel like testing the limits of reality at work so I close my interrogation with, "You got it, I will do it that way."

That seals the deal always, he hasn't been able to "get" me ever since I started saying that. Because he can agree to something that he has no clue but when I verify with a statement like that, the man is cooked. His pride also stops him from clarifying with me because he would be admitting fault that he wasn't listening to begin with. Its all office politics and semantics, the cornerstone of every successful business.

In a turn of events, Male Boss realizes he is stewing in his own juices and starts asking me questions. "Ok," I say several times, hardly listening. The phone rings, I'm off the hook before anything specific can be burped my way.

Male Boss begins examining the paperwork I "fixed." Something is amiss bcuz he starts muttering "what the fuck" to himself. Fret not friends, for I have nothing to worry about.

For the common man there is more than just one option on how to react when in Male Boss' shoes. Let's go over some problem solving basics: Logic would point to discussing with me what needs to be specifically done. Then again, maybe Male Boss can figure it out on his own using critical thinking. Or perhaps even just setting the task aside for some other time to let the brain cells regroup from hiatus. But no, this is not the path of Male Boss. This is his path:

Bathed in genius, Male Boss vents his anger toward Female Boss, who by the way, has just arrived into the office 2 hours into the work day. At top volume, of course, Male Boss attacks:

"You fucked this computer for the last time. Its all scrambled and the grib, gr-iib, gr.. what the fuck. The fucking GRID on Excel doesn't show the right contacts and phone numbers! Fix it, cuz I'm tired of you wasting my money on your foie gras dinners."

Yeah.. I have no clue either.

Cozy Winter Fires

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" then click "Angry Time" on the top panel and navigate other stories from the side. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

This one is a daisy friends. It happened last winter and I just hope I can illustrate it well enough to put you in the position of feeling as annoyed and frustrated with the idiocy that is going on in here.

Day 1 around 1pm: Female Boss goes to the living room and sparks up a fire in their enormous fireplace. The thing is like 5x8 its pretty impressive. Now let's get things straight: a) the living room is on the other side of the investment property, b) no one is staying in that area of the house right now and c) its really not that cold. Somewhere in the jumble we call work, I can only deduce that some embers let fly and lit a curtain on fire. Female Boss comes running down the hallway screaming about it and I go to extinguish the fire. Anyway, wasn't that big of a deal smoke was pretty thick but I grabbed the proper equipment and all was well shortly.

Now, for the next few hours nothing else was said. I didn't leave work till approximately 7pm and Female Boss hadn't mentioned a thing. Day 1 ends.

Day 2 11:30am: For the past 2 hours Female Boss has been going bananas. She has made phone calls to Four Friends, Male Boss who has been sick at home, a Maid Service, her Best Friend and another person I will reveal later.

First Four Friends get the same rundown about how TERRIBLE the smoke is. I am talking the most blustery, windy speaking you can fathom as if you had just run a marathon. Doom and gloom in your pants and you can't catch your breath type of insanity. The best part of these conversations was the constantly repeated question, "How do you get smoke smell out?"

Every single one of them answered, "Febreeze." Every single one. Hilarious! Why?

"I can't stand the smell of Febreeze," protests Female Boss.

Then she goes on to say that she wants to call the Fire Dept to find out what takes the smoke smell out when everyone has already told her what does. My favorite part of the Four Friends conversations was the last one, this one lady that is pretty damn crass. When Female Boss hung up the phone I caught her muttering to herself (classic!), "She thinks I'm crazy too.."

The next phone call goes to sickly Male Boss. After the initial start up of what happened she wants to (revealing the last person she calls now) call her fucking Homeowner's Insurance company and make a claim! Male Boss causes her to revert to nothing but cussing him out and promptly hanging up on him. I guess he thinks she's crazy too.....

Call goes into Maid Service. "I need help to come today," Female Boss starts.

"Oh, no extra time for today on late notice? Shoot, well do you know what takes out a very strong smoke smell?" the conversation continues.

"Oh. Oh. Uh huh. Oh. I hate Febreeze," the conversation closes.

Female Boss phones Best Friend.

"Hello Best Friend?" Female Boss says in some sort of shoddy British accent.

Yes she speaks in that accent about 95% of the time with her Best Friend. I have no fucking clue why but its the most annoying shit ever. Its not good, its not accurate and its absolutely childish.

"Do you know how I can get rid of that smoke smell?" in her New Jerseyite accent this time. I guess cuz she's serious now and wants a solution.. no time for kiddy accents! Why is she continuing to ask? Well, come on.. up to this point she hasn't been given or heard any advice or solutions yet.. apparently.

With that shot down tone in her voice, Female Boss sighs and says, "Everyone keeps saying that, I hate Febreeze."

Female Boss persists, "Well I was hoping you knew how to get rid of the smell cuz you know everything."

Do I need to berate again or can you handle it on your own?

Now comes the insane call to the Homeowner's Insurance Rep. I will spare you the details and all the blustery windy speak of the seemingly sullied Female Boss. All in all the Rep made fun of her on several occasions bcuz Female Boss kept saying, "No I am serious, I don't know what to do." Followed by, "So I have no claim?"

This was said at least four times that I can remember. She then starts to boast about wanting to call the Fire Dept. "Well I need to know what to do. I am so clueless right now."

Sigh, too easy.

After a 15 minute jokefest the Rep forces her off the phone revealed by Female Boss saying, "Lunchtime? Oh that's right you guys are an hour ahead of us."

Female Boss puts her head in her hands and lets out another long winded sigh. Now mind you, you CANNOT smell ANYTHING unless you are IN the living room where no one is! Yeah, it smells like smoke but its seriously nothing that bad. I am sad to report that Female Boss never did call the Fire Dept, which I desperately wanted her to so they can tell her to use Febreeze, but this is an imperfect world and I digress. Shortly after her sigh, the hysteria snowballs and she becomes spaztic.

"I don't know what to do? These ppl offer me no help. What do I do? Maybe I will get some carpet cleaner or something. Should I? I think I should. I am completely exhausted. I don't know what the hell I should do. I didn't sleep as good as I thought cuz of that smell. Its like it was in my clothes! Don't you think? Northe?" Literally, she might have taken two breaths.

"Huh," I say to show her no one fucking cares. It worked cuz she didn't ask me again.

Now lets analyze this statement. This coming from someone that when I first got here in the morning was telling me about how fabulous her evening was and how she is so happy the weather is warming up again, on and on. Then something snapped and the day was reduced to this.

This concludes today's lesson: Smoke damage and its effect on the human brain.

Nothing Like a Monday

Female Boss gets an email from one of our loyal and giving clients that reads, "Check the mailbox before the mailman eats up the goodies inside."

Apparently they dropped off a gift for Female Boss. Male Boss walks in the office promptly at 10:35am in his standard work uniform, matted down hair, sweat pants and a flannel shirt that smells like bad breath and stale smoke.

"Get your ass up to the mailbox, there's a package for us," demands Female Boss to Male Boss.

"What?" responds Male Boss.

"There's a package in the mailbox for us," she repeats.

"Who gives a fuck?"

"Go get the damn mail, its food!"

"Leave me the fuck alone! I want to make breakfast, damn it. I didn't have it at my home."

"Crackers and butter isn't breakfast, go get the mail!"

"You get it."

"Please get it, I will forget if we don't get it now. The mailman is gonna take it and we'll never have received it!"

"God damn it, you are so lazy!"

"Me? Your stomach looks like a pig's!"

"Fuck you, Female Boss. Fucking sick of you. I'm gonna be a good man and do it. Just to shut you the fuck up and I can eat."

Male Boss heads out the door to the mailbox. From our office we have windows that look over the driveway toward the mailbox. As soon as he arrives Female Boss, who is watching him like a hawk, makes this statement, "Damn fuckin' right, food is there and he can't get there quick enuff."

Uh huh, you only had to bitch about it for 5 minutes before you wore him down to go there and basically shut you up so he could eat his crackers and butter in peace.

In the end, the package had a bottle of lotion in it. Everyone loses. I even double-checked the email later that day to confirm that Client used the phrase "before the mailman eats up the goodies" *shrug*

As Seen On TV

Now that I have some posts up here I am going to begin every post with this disclaimer as newcomers will probably make no sense of anything going on from day to day unless they start from the beginning.

First time? Start here.

On with the tale:

Let's take it back to Female Boss for a Friday post. This had to have been at the beginning of summer. My calf was killing me one day and Female Boss was thrilled to hear that I was in agony. Maybe not so much that I was in agony, but moreso that she would get a chance to whip out this little miracle she purchased from the internet and see it in action.

So Female Boss brings in this package and guts it like a fish. Apparently she was saving it for a special occasion.. and what came out might as well have been innards. She hands me a black plastic contraption that weighed about 8 oz. I take a look at it, turn it upside down to expose its soft supple underbelly and see about 5 dozen lights that take me back to my childhood and Lite Brite.

Enter Lightforce Technology.

The What: The magical, fantastical and practical means of all those out of date Lite Brites and Christmas tree lights we grew up with. Oh did I mention healing therapy? No? Oh well.
The When: Whenever you have insane pain just use this device and it cures all.
The Where: Anywhere you feel pain silly, they're lights for crying out loud. Lights!
The Why: Because nothing makes more logical sense than healing wounds, bruises, arthritis and cancer than with pulsing lights. Modern medicine is for the birds, you idiots.
The Who: Yours frikkin truly, that's who.

Now either you're furrowing your brow trying to comprehend the situation or you have seen the Infomercial on this and thinking to yourself, "I can't believe people bought that piece of shit." Maybe both. The point is, I am elected official guinea pig. The worst part is I probably saw that Infomercial a good three months prior to this episode and just couldn't believe it. Awestruck is probably the best word to use here.

Female Boss explains to me what she saw in the Infomercial and recaps all the horseshit stories, bad actors and bullshit therapists that plug the device. I mean you have a scenario (if you scroll down on that link and see the kid with it pointed at his knee) where this kid had knee surgery and the doctor used this mini, hand held Lite Brite to rehab him. Now is it just me or would you not bludgeon the doc bloody if he tried to make you pay for this kind of rehab on your kid?

Anyway, this piece of ingenuity comes with a velcro strap so I could just latch it around my leg and let the light do the work. The funniest shit is that there is a dial on this thing that has like 10 different settings from Low, Med, High and for those hernia days, Full Cycle. For credibility I am sure, all hi-tech devices have nobs so the user has that feeling of control. Well I was feeling pretty volcanic so Full Cycle was my only option, right?

While in my fit of rage, insulted by what Female Boss brought forth to numb the pain, I decided to plot and conspire. This being the typical result of any ruse perpetrated on my asshole self.

So I start saying, "Wow, this thing is amazing. Its really working. I can feel my muscle heating up."

Female Boss' eyes light up (pa-rumph), "Really? Wow, I knew it would. That Infomercial really had me hooked from the start."

"Oh yeah, in about an hour I should be good to run tonight."

"That's incredible. And you know what it only cost me $200," she says.

"Unbelievable," I say, feeling more like saying "Un-fuckin-real, lady."

Seriously, I couldn't feel a damn thing. Not warmth, not anything. I mean its mini light bulbs! What the hell would possess anyone to take the Infomercial seriously for one minute let alone to watch the entire thing, see the price and consider it a bargain, pick up the phone, deal with some dude in India with a fake Southern accent and give your credit card information over the phone to wait another six weeks for this thing to show up at your house? Female Boss is who. Fuck! Fuckin Fuck!

Now the story didn't end that day. The story ended about a month and a half later when Female Boss pulled her shoulder playing racquetball. She rushed home from the gym and strapped on the LFT 9000. The next day she was so irate that the product didn't work. She spouted for an hour about how she needed that pain to go away and it just wouldn't. I stuck to my guns though, couldn't stop reflecting on that incredible day that it soothed my calf muscle to feeling brand new. The more I talked it up the angrier she became. I'll probably bring the story up to her for old times' sake next time she pisses me off.

If you don't appreciate this story you really need to see the Infomercial, at minimum just read a bit on that link.

Germany and You

This guy steps in the room and you just hear the theme music. Smooth as can be, he'll dust off a tuxedo and I just hear Killah Priest's "The Professional" when he walks in the room. He's the "Go-to Guy" when the chips are down, through and through the man is The Professional. He kinda reminds me of Harvey Keitel "The Wolf" in Pulp Fiction.

For the first few months here the guy was an enigma. He would simply come in, shake my hand and tell me, "Its a great pleasure to work with you today." He'd pick up the day's itinerary, ask me any necessary questions and take on the clients one by one. The end all be all is that he sounds just like Arnold. The man is a damn king, let's face it.

So, like a gentleman, I treated him exactly the same way he treated me. This paid off, as trust is always rewarded with inner-personality. Enter more workplace randomness.

The conversation went something along the lines of this:

"Good morning. Its a wonderful day and I look forward to working with you," starts The Professional.

"Fantastic," I say back to him shaking his hand.

I walk over toward the dining area to get some paperwork and The Professional starts laughing. I have never heard the man laugh before so I turn around and ask him what he's laughing at. He motions me in close.

"That dining room table always makes me laugh. It reminds me of when I was young and in Germany. My favorite Porno Tape of all time was Claudio's Castle and he would pump on a dining room table that looked just like that one. All the big tits, all the time."

He then rose his voice, no one else was at the office so it didn't matter. His voice boomed, "Claudio's Castle (insert like 10 crazy German words)." It was like his battle cry. Had he a pike in his hand surely he would have thrust it right through the marble flooring. Right after his demeanor turned, he grabbed the paperwork from my hand, shook it and walked out to handle the daily business.

Everything changed after that day. More tales to come about The Professional.

The One

The One is particularly attached to Female Boss. By attached I mean anchored with incorruptible fanaticism. When The One is two feet away from her, he yelps. When she is across the office or anything further from his sight he yelps and cries riotously. I have called up many friends to listen to this and they all have the same dumbfounded reaction. Its nuts.

So, a couple weeks back Female Boss goes out of town for the weekend with her brother who is in town. This is strange cuz she never ever leaves The One for an extended period of time and especially not at the investment property. Maybe she needed a break from his irrational neediness.. the best part is The One's super-intelligence shines through and absolutely knows something is up. He starts freaking out as if he can understand Female Boss' itinerary and that he is having no part in the weekend ahead.

So its the usual run of the mill dogs going crazy and The One is the ring leader. Demonseed chimes in with squawks and all of a sudden the office is a zoo. Good thing I have a sick sense of humor when it comes to pain and suffering, especially while at work, I was laughing so hard but I couldn't even hear my own laughter. Literally, that's how loud it gets in there with the dogs and the bird at a full fevered pitch.

That was Friday at about 2pm. Everything settles down for the rest of the pets but The One is whimpering non stop. Typical, no big deal. Happens all the time. Male Boss leaves him in the kitchen isolated as to keep his disturbing the other animals to a minimum. Male Boss apparently promised to stay at the investment property over the weekend taking care of all the animals as well. Whether or not he actually stayed all weekend I don't know but what I came into on Monday suggested otherwise.

Monday morning I get in about 30 minutes early cuz we are pretty busy here and I don't want to be swamped. I walk into the house.. the kitchen is right near the entrance. Male Boss is on his hands and knees cleaning up blood and shit from the kitchen floor.. that's right I said blood and shit. Wonder who made that mess..

"Fucking dog! I'm gonna kill you!" yells Male Boss.

I just walk by recognizing the fact that he's hating life and there is no need for me to enflame the situation.

Female Boss comes back that evening. With a huge grin I tell her the dogs were just fine while I was here. Friday comes and she is *again* leaving for the weekend with her brother. You guys don't understand, this is completely out of character for her. She never up and leaves, especially two weekends in a row. A total first for Female Boss.

Friday around 2pm Male Boss is not in the office. Female Boss is freaking out cuz The One knows she is leaving! Literally knows! He was going bananas all day while she was shuttling things into her car.. he is smart as hell I suppose. Anyway, she is now holding The One and he is wriggling, shaking and just writhing all around while crying. Its so funny but I try not to even crack a smile, I have to be serious.

Female Boss turns to me and says, "I'll give you $XXX.XX if you can please hold him and take care of him while you're still at work."

I wholeheartedly agree because, by the way, ALL the dogs love me. I go to grab him, the dog bears his teeth and growls. Female Boss lurches back astonished. I kinda laugh cuz The One is the size of my foot and, well, an all around joke of a threat. I tell Female Boss to put him down on the chair. Female Boss does and I pick up The One hassle free.

Female Boss then goes to the back of the house and grabs her carrying bag for him and hands it to me. I sling it over my shoulder and lower the sadass into the pouch.

"Yeah, I'm just really worried. Last weekend I think he gave himself colitis. Male Boss said there was blood and shit everywhere each morning."

I act shocked and concerned assuring her that in my care he is in the best of hands. She leaves for the weekend again. I'm slightly richer. Self-induced colitis!

Pigfoot the Usurper

Female Boss just bought some towels from Egypt. She paid through the nose for these little hand towels, no clue what makes them special, I guess that Egyptian cotton. Either way a hand towel should not enter triple digits. That's just stupid, no matter how much money you have.

On to the point, we not only use this property as our office but also our shipping house. I get things shipped here all the time as its just easier to make sure its delivered with no hassle. So Female Boss cracks open the new package and is absolutely thrilled. She lets me feel em, yeah they feel good but come on who are we kidding here, they're towels. So after gloating for a good half hour she leaves the new towels on the counter in the kitchen.

Enter Pigfoot. Kickass dog that he is, is as nimble as a cat and as demonic as one. Yeah, cats are crazy just like Pigfoot. I am at my desk writing up some paperwork and the sound of Pigfoot hopping onto and scaling over the doggy fence breaks the silence. You see, Female Boss sets up the fence to prevent them from escaping and doing damage. As you can tell this does a great job and the best part is she'll never learn from her mistakes as this isn't the first time something like this has happened. Let's get another thing straight before I move on.. Pigfoot isn't a damage dog, he's more of a needy, mischievous and curious dog. Its pretty impressive cuz, as I have noted before, he's extremely agile and can hop gates that are three times his height quite easily. Well, Pigfoot done did it this time.

Somehow, Pigfoot snatched down two of the towels on the frikkin kitchen counter. Again, he is not a damage dog, so he didn't tear them to shreds or anything. Instead, he decided it was a good day for diarrhea and took a mean one all over the towels. I saw this on my way to filling up my water.

The disappointing end to this story is that Female Boss came in with literally little to no reaction at the mess that was made. She picked up Pigfoot and just placed him back over the fence and threw the towels in the wash. She didn't even make a mention it to me, had I not seen it, I woulda never known what happened. Zero discipline, zero training. Pigfoot will strike again.

"Tell her puppy."

As promised, I have three dog stories about each individual dog to make the reader feel a little more connected with each animal. So here goes:

Female boss' friend came to town a while back and they use a detached guest house to usually house any company from outta town. She comes to visit pretty damn often, probably the third time since we inherited Puppy. So Lady comes into the house and is met with the usual deafening bombardment of dog barking. Did I mention not one of the dogs are trained? So per the usual the dogs are going straight bonkers at the site of someone they have seen plenty of times but this doesn't cease their urge to make their owner look like an idiot.

Lady says, "Jeez you would think they would recognize me by now."

Female Boss, "Have you said 'hi' to them? They are just excited."

"Uh huh," goes the last bastion of uninfected brain cells left in my head.

Lady walks up to the doggy fence separating them from the kitchen and leans over it to pet them. In usual doggy-greeting fashion Lady starts squealing, "Doggiiieeeeees, doggiiiieeeeeeeeeess!"

This quickly stops as all of a sudden the youngest and dumbest dog, Puppy clamps her jaws onto Lady's fingers. Puppy has a hell of a grip for and doesn't let go unless you smack her, which I had to do the first couple times she did it to me. Funny, she doesn't bite me anymore. Wonder if anyone is gonna figure that out..

"She's still a biter? Ow, I thought she would have outgrown that," says Lady.

"Heh you'd think that wouldn't you," farts my brain.

"No she doesn't bite anymore," says Female Boss lying through the polished veneers she calls her teeth.

"Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow," responds Lady.

"Is she biting you?" asks the investigator of the obvious that is Female Boss.

"Ow, yes, ow, she's biting damn, ow, fuckin' hard, ow, ow. Get her to stop! OWW!"

"Tell her puppy," vomits Female Boss as the botox in her system mixes in with her gray matter. I think to myself - In what country would saying that stop a dog from biting anyone?

"Puppy, ow, ow, puuuppyyyyyy, puuuuppyyyy, (changing to anger) fuckin stop puppy! Ow!"

Female Boss corrects Lady and starts to sing, yes fucking sing, not fuck around singing either, real deal singing, "puuppyyyyy, puuppyyyyyyy, puuuuppyyyyyyyyyy."

"Ow, ow! Shit, stop!" yells Lady.

Puppy stays clamped for atleast 4-5 minutes injuring Lady's finger long enuff to have to apply ice to it for the rest of the afternoon she stuck around. Lady coulda been juicing it but I doubt it. I think its safe to say Puppy wins this round.