Master of Analogy 3

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Let's go back a few years ago, when Hector was a pup.. the year is 2005 and I posted a couple sensational peeks into Female Boss' backwards way of thinking and translating those thoughts into what we laymen would readily recognize as a a form of communication but would never concede the communication as being an intelligible string of words. Most of us rubbed our foreheads down to the bone pondering what, if any, boundary of human decency would eventually get in the way of Female Boss' incredible and fearless attempts to continually ooze inane commentary upon the world. That boundary.. that obstacle, as it were, is yet to meet Female Boss or even slow her down. With wanton disregard for all that is virtuous and right in the world, Female Boss has sullied my slightly impure sphere with her chatter once again (agayn for my Canadian audience).

Female Boss arrives at the Investment Property a little bit after me. I can tell that something is on her mind, as she carries The One in her arms. She is not settling down in her seat, instead she looks to be doing some kind of moron dance with The One that involves doing a lot of pacing, half turns and pirouettes. Before I am mesmerized by her irrational undulations, Female Boss cracks.

"I'm really depressed today, Northe."

I don't say anything, no need to throw gas on a potential inferno.

"I haven't had time to see my family. I haven't gone out with my friends at all in the last week. I feel isolated. Work is taking a toll on me."

I'll be honest and tell you that the last week she is referring to has been about normal. No more than a 40 hour week.. but maybe that's exactly what the problem is. Instead of showing up at noon and leaving before me or showing up on time at leaving at 2, Female Boss has been putting in some pretty honest days. The feeble frame that holds her warped reality together is giving way due to what most of this country would call a pretty normal week.

"I just don't get it, where is everyone? Why is no one calling me?"

Its one thing to bitch but its totally another thing to bitch out loud. One might gather that I am not the most compassionate of the executioners within a six block radius, so make no mistake when I point out that I can really give two shits when someone like Female Boss is trying to come off like she has some problems. I'd hogtie Huckaboom with guitar string to have my biggest problem of the day be wondering why someone hadn't called me. Especially when she can fuckin call them. People should really pick what information they share out loud cuz most of the time you're gonna come off looking like a complete douche.

Before noon, one of The Romans give a call in. If you don't recall any of The Romans, its bcuz I have likely mixed them in with The Plastics but that will not be the case any longer. I am keeping specific record of who calls in when I can. Whatever, a Roman calls in and Female Boss is giddy. Female Boss' delight is soon trampled by her overwhelming need to share her sorrow and bring others down with her. Enter the Master of Analogy, the third.

"Oh, well you have no clue how depressed I have been, been.. b e e n. . ."

"It just feels like the day isn't going to end, end.. e n d . . ."

"I'm over here counting the minutes, inutes.. i n u t e s . . ." (yep, she didn't pronounce the m, you know, for effect)

After her three sentences are done I can only picture The Roman on the other end of the phone playing a sick game I like to call How Far Will You Go.. you know the one.. grab an ice pick and steadily ease it into your ear canal.. mmhmm, that's the one.. its a family favorite. Oh and worry not friends, Female Boss explains her stupidity to The Roman before the game comes to its twitchy and rather disturbing conclusion.

"Well yeah, its like an echo.. cuz you know, I am feeling isolated. Like I am in a cave or something. Isolated. Get it?"

Heh, I get more than what you think you are passing along. I get that you should be tarred and feathered. I get that you barely move the needle when it comes to being a form of intelligent life. I also get that I have never come across a more annoying person when you are trying your hardest to be witty. You're worse to watch and listen to than the Full House pilot. I can only smile, point, wink and nod up toward the heavens every time you spark that fury within me, but there is a bright side in all this.. at least you didn't reproduce.

Boss Warfare 9

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Scenario #1: Female Boss absolutely flipped on Male Boss when he asked her a question about a store she was going to visit during lunch. If I remember this one correctly, a Plastic recommended Female Boss go drop a few hundred dollars on a t-shirt or something at some name brand shit stain downtown. Female Boss announces it to the office and rather than being met with her usual silence, Male Boss has something to say about it:

"You have been there before, remember? You told me."

Female Boss answers back, "I know."

The truth is she didn't know. It was one of those I know's that a pre-teen says when you give them something they've never heard of before but its their programmed response. You could tell the disappointment in Female Boss' voice when she answered too and kind of that realization that Male Boss was indeed correct.

Male Boss asks her, "So what did you get last time?"

Female Boss, about to put a stack of papers into a file folder, shoves the papers into the file full force, "Gee, that's a great question! What did you get last time? Huh!? What did YOU get!?"

That was called for.. and better yet it makes sense to react that way.. there is no other rational reaction.. ever..

Scenario #2: Female Boss ended up spending a good $40 on high end, "healthy" snacks to have here at the office. Examples, dried wasabi peas, these weird fancy bread stick things, these organic mini cake things with flax seeds baked into them.. weird shit like this. I found little to no interest in eating this stuff as nothing tasted that good to me. Whenever Female Boss offered me some, I would usually just refuse and say I brought my own snacks. Male Boss concurred with my analysis of these trial purchases and expressed his distaste for them in a much different way.

Male Boss got up from his permanent ass-groove dent on the sitting room couch and headed for the kitchen for a snacky snack. Being out of potato chips and bacon grease, Male Boss was forced to dine on the crap that Female Boss bought. Combining sheer boredom and the desire to get rid of the high budget allowance of flavorless munchies, Male Boss turns to his reliable tenants.

"Here you go. Take this one. No? You don't want?"

Female Boss' misbehavior radar picks up the signal and forces her to engage, "What are you doing in there?"

"The dogs don't like the shitty human treats you buyed."

"Why are you feeding my food to the dogs?"

"I can't. The shit you buyed, the dogs turn the back on." He tries again, "Come on, take it boy. Stupid shit. They don't like, Female Boss."

"Leave them alone please."

"How much you pay on this shit and they ain't eat it?"

"How about you leave the dogs alone and leave me alone. Just get the fuck outta here."

"Ok, I get the shit out of here."

I hear Male Boss rustling with the bags of goods. The front door opens and soft thuds are heard. The next sound I hear is Dunkirt snorting happily and the door slams shut. Female Boss bounces up from her desk.

"What the hell did you just do?"

"Got rid of the shits. The dogs don't eat but the pig will."

"You son of a bitch! You know how much that costs?"

"Where's your humor?"

"Gone! You have taken all my humor from me long ago."

"You ain't got none? You ain't got no humor?"

"Leave me the fuck alone!"

"You ain't got no humor and you ain't got no snacks. Don't ever buy those shits again. The dogs turn the back and the pig doesn't know any better than this."

Not that I am much on either Boss' choice on snack food I'll go ahead and side with Male Boss on this one. At least every blue moon I'll crave a salty, empty calorie munchy to make me feel American over one of Female Boss' oddities. Bring back the artery clogging goodies!

Day of the Fool

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

In honor of this day I'm gonna look back on a past April Fool's Day here at the office. Oh, and what about that whole lead-up from my last post? Technically this isn't the 250th Angry Time post cuz I have tossed in a few cheap fill-ins to compensate for being lazy and, more importantly, this "big thing" that is happening is a while coming still. So let's pretend I never posted that so I can get back to writing more stuff for you guys to read.

I remember the day quite vividly. I came into the office on time, Female Boss was already there. In fact, she was in the kitchen making a pot of coffee. The faithful among you are finding this odd cuz A) Female Boss is rarely ever there before me and B) she probably hasn't had coffee in a few years. Indeed, this was probably my first or second April Fool's Day at the office. Times were different, but Female Boss was just as dumb.

I came into the place, told her good morning and headed to my desk to start working. Female Boss came in a few minutes later. She stood in the doorway of the office till I felt her staring at me. I glance over, see her standing there, and get back to what I'm doing.

"Hey, Northe."

"Yeah," I answer.

"I have some bad news. My mother is really sick."

Time for the employee to pretend like he gives a shit, "Oh crap, is she okay?"

"Well, not really. I think I might have to go see her."

"Ok. No problem," I tell her.

"Like soon. She's not really holding up so well. I am kind of worried," she says.

"Ok, don't worry about it."

"Well, I probably will leave today."

"Ok..."

"Like this morning, like in an hour I have to be at the airport."

"Do you need a ride?" I ask her hoping the answer is yes so I can go grab lunch downtown after I drop her off.

"Well, I should just go now."

"Ok," I answer for the 50th time.

"Northe, I'm kidding! Its April Fool's Day!"

I give out a fake laugh and tell her, "Ha, you got me."

She is laughing pretty hard and heads back into the kitchen to get her coffee. The sad thing is that Female Boss thought that she got one over on me. As if when she starts to talk about an ill relative of hers, "not really holding up so well," I am going to call bullshit on her and tell her to stop fucking around. It really speaks to how insulting what she thinks a sense of humor is and was also a great indicator of what to expect of her as a person. All in all tho, I definitely learned something.. Female Boss taught me that joking about a parent potentially dying is never old hat.

The Kryssmas Chronicles: "Pet Adoption"

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Sidebar: Okay, Angry Timers, this will be the last post for maybe another 2 weeks or so just like the last one. Reason being is that there are big things going on behind the scenes that you don't know about just yet. First thing being that the next post I make will be the 250th post on Angry Time and the second thing being a secret. Stay tuned and check every couple days cuz once its here, you're going to want to be a part of it! You may read the story now.

This story is from back in the day when I first started working here. There I was, full of hopes and dreams and really desperate for any form of income. I somehow found my way to this god forsaken place and decided to dig my trench here and, as you well know, have been taking grenades ever since. I'm hoping to dredge up a few more stories from memory that are worth mentioning. This was probably one of the first instances that I experienced here that made me see how suicide could be a viable option for some people.

Back then, Demonseed had an ally. The bird's name was.. eh, we'll call it Kryssmas. Any real deal gamer among you will appreciate that.. derived from UO and the underrated weapon, the kryss.. good ol' deadly poison. Ok, enuff of that. So, Kryssmas wasn't so much gifted to Female Boss and Male Boss as it was forced upon them and ultimately adopted. As the story goes, some friend of Female Boss' was leaving the state and couldn't take the bird. The bird needed a home and Female Boss figured that Kryssmas would make a fantastic pet. Upon close arm's length, if not across the room, inspection anyone could tell that Kryssmas wasn't going to be a normal bird let alone pointing out that taking on the little shit was no where near being seen as an intelligent decision.

Kryssmas was one of those birds that are completely neurotic. Kryssmas' neurosis lied within the realm of self-mutilation.. plucking any feather out of its body that the ol' beak could reach. The poor fuck was a terrible sight.. and probably looked even worse than that. It made the bird as unattractive as one could possibly be.. and not being a big fan of birds, in general, it made that feeling of wanting to throw paper clips at it all day long that much stronger.

Back then, Male Boss was a bit thinner in comparison to him being quite rotund now. Male Boss had a quick bonding with Kryssmas. His pet names for Kryssmas were "the crazy bird" or "the fucked up bird." Endearingly, of course.

Of all the times I wish I was smart enuff to have a camera at work to document the evidence for all to see, I regret not having one this time. I remember the scene quite well, Male Boss was on his couch in the sitting room snacking on what looked to be a two pound bag of sunflower seeds. He was in a slouched position with his ass barely hanging onto the couch. Male Boss wore a black sweater that was completely covered in sunflower shells, fragments and salt. It was absurd, having a black sweater on only made it stand out even more.

The word slob falls as short as a Wile E. Coyote bridge building kit trying to span across a canyon when trying to describe what Male Boss looked like. There he sat, completely disheveled, looking like a cross between a hobo and an ape of some sort. His hair was sticking up like he stuck his finger in a socket.. and then there was sweet, innocent Kryssmas. The reason Male Boss' hair looked like complete shit is cuz Male Boss allowed Kryssmas to literally nest in his hair. Kryssmas would hang out on Male Boss' head as Kryssmas would do his best job to tease Male Boss' hair into a desired look from the '80s.

I was able to see this up close bcuz I handed Male Boss a report for him to take a look at. Referring to his weight.. or coulda been how disgustingly dirty he made his surroundings, Male Boss looked up at me and said, "If you want to look like the bird you have to eat like the bird."

I did my best not to shiv him in the throat or make a big deal out of it cuz I didn't want him to make any moves. I wanted to sit back from my desk and observe this sloth being preened by Kryssmas. Indeed, up to this point in my life, it was one of the oddest things I had ever seen.. now trumped by a myriad of other sights I have had to be witness to here at the investment property. However, much like everything else in Angry Time, the madness didn't end there.

While keeping a close eye on Kryssmas picking thru Male Boss' lice and flea infected hair, Male Boss kept shoveling more and more sunflower seeds in his mouth. Knowing no bounds, Kryssmas decided to share in the bounty. A few hops down toward Male Boss' right hand Kryssmas plunged head first into the enormous bag of sunflower seeds and started having lunch. Kryssmas was living most any person's food fantasy.. being ankle deep in a bag of tasty goods and eating as much as you could possibly stand. What's crazier is Male Boss didn't even flinch.. this had to have been normal behavior for both of these clowns.. pretty much makes me sick much like this did.

Now that the whole scene is set I'll leave you with Male Boss' words that followed about ten minutes after Kryssmas starting his gorging.

"Oh shit. The fucking crazy bird just took the shits in the bag with the seeds!"

Less than two minutes later, without moving, Male Boss was seen shoveling more seeds into his maw. Maybe he was just reaching deeper into the bag. Its still good.

Age of Enlightenment

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I was in the middle of that fantasy I have become so fond of. I'm sure you all have the same one. You know how it goes.. you're working on that first knee cap of (insert the name of your favorite adversary here) Female Boss' and right before popping it clean off with a dull wood chisel your concentration is disturbed. This time its the horrible sound of Female Boss pleased with something she has done. I grit my teeth over the fact I didn't get to finish playing out that beautiful scene.

"This is SO cool!"

I already know its gonna be stupid. I know this bcuz she's impressed with herself without the aid of anyone else and her enthusiasm is through the roof. As long as she doesn't go on and on about it we're good..

"I can't believe it!" she exclaims.

It'll pass, Northe. Just ignore her. Get back to your happy place.

Just before I could strike the chisel with that hammer, Female Boss interrupts again.

"This is great!" she booms.

Fine! Let's get this over with..

"What's up?" I ask, secretly hoping that she found a dull wood chisel in her desk drawer.

"Get this! Did you know that you can type in Microsoft's Word while your internet loads up a website!?"

As Female Boss fawns over her discovery like a monkey swirling its finger in a puddle of diarrhea I gather my thoughts wisely. I thumb thru several ideas the multiple voices in my head put forth to me like one would a roladex. My first personality says to climb over the desk and make pencil holders out of her eye sockets. The second begging me to ask ask her if she knows how stupid she is. The third voice, and always more passive and sarcastic, wins.

"Wait. You can be on the internet with Word open and use both programs at the same time?" I ask.

"Yes! I'm so happy!"

"Wow. You must be pretty quick to be able to swap programs that efficiently."

Female Boss might as well had swooned for me. "Heh, well, its not all that hard to do. I mean really, Northe, how many people really know about this? I just can't believe it took me this long to figure out but now that I have, I feel like I am on the cutting edge," she says with a big smile on her face.

"Pretty slick," I beam a shit-faced grin back at her.

Kill me..

Boss Warfare 8

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Sole Scenario: As I touched on in the past Male Boss is smoking those good ol' really gay looking, slim cigs. I guess his smoking is really becoming a nuisance to Female Boss who is waging her own personal anti-smoking campaign. Whenever he lights up in the office she starts talking about how real office buildings have rules against that type of behavior. Male Boss, like a typical dunderhead of something resembling a man, doesn't really give a shit and decides to constantly test the bounds of Female Boss' already fragile mental condition. Empirical evidence would suggest this to be quite foolish but we have grown to expect nothing less out of this dimwitted duo.

This time Female Boss' reaction to his insolence is not found in the might of the sword but rather the use of non-violent protest and turning to the strength of the pen. Like most who protest, Female Boss finds the taste of failure to be a trough of therapeutic gruel that can only be more fulfilling by taking in larger and larger mouthfuls each time she rehashes her poorly thought out plans. Her first attempt to quell Male Boss' smoking rebellion was to get up and turn off the lights every time he lit up. Color me impressed, Male Boss can still smoke in the dark. Good thinkin' Female Boss. Why not give it another go..

The second idea Female Boss had was to hold up her pen over her head whenever Male Boss started to smoke in the office. I'm sure you can see the shock on my face when I find out that, like most out of shape desk gremlins, Female Boss can't even hold said pen over her head for more than a minute before it starts drooping down to shoulder level.. not to mention that Male Boss probably never even realized what she was doing to begin with. Realizing that this new tactic wasn't going to work, Female Boss wrote "Smoke Free Office" on a piece of paper with a Sharpie and started walking to his desk holding it in front of Male Boss' face whenever he would puff on a smoke. Male Boss responded by lighting the piece of paper on fire after the third time Female Boss encroached on his territory.

Female Boss only had one option left.. to go for the jugular. She waited like a lion stalking her prey for the precise moment to launch the offensive. Male Boss was smoking a cigarette and started to shuffle thru papers frantically on his desk.

"Lose something?" asked Female Boss who had slyly taken what Male Boss was searching for.

"I can't find this fucking papers. I know I has them right fucking here!"

Female Boss holds up the papers and asks, "Oh these?"

Male Boss gets pissed, "What the fuck are you doing? Give me them fucking now those papers!"

Female Boss, with lighter in hand, sets the papers aflame. Male Boss' face goes pale. He leaps from his desk and yelps like a stuck pig, "What the fuck are you doing!?"

Female Boss drops them into the metal trash can at her feet. The papers are now completely on fire and the unintended consequence of smoke starts to billow. Male Boss is livid.

"You fucking bitch! This is not funny!"

Before Male Boss could do anything too crazy, Female Boss starts laughing and brings out the original documents.. the others were copies. Female Boss stamps "Gotcha Again!" on Male Boss' forehead! The color returns to Male Boss' face; however, he is still pissed.

"I don't understand what the fuck your problem is," he says as he returns to his desk to continue his smoking.

"You don't get it do you?" Female Boss asks.

Male Boss doesn't care what the hell she has to say and continues doing what he had to do.

"Your problem is you have a *cough* better grip on your cigarette *cough* than you do on *cough, cough* reality," chokes Female Boss.

At this point I leave the office to grab a bite to eat and give the office some time to air out. This is probably the most realistic case of fighting fire with fire I can think of. Female Boss hates the smell of cigarette smoke in the office and ends up combating her hatred of the smoke by producing her own smoke. Could this happen anywhere else?

Female Boss Shorts 12

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Another pair of 'em. She just doesn't disappoint. Quality and quantity. I love it.

Scenario #1: The office is nice and quiet. The gentle crackle of Demonseed cracking open sunflower seeds and enjoying her lunch is all that can be heard. Then it happens.

"Hiiiiiii!"

I turn to see Female Boss with a bright eyed smile on her face staring at Demonseed who stares at her for a second and gets back to eating. Female Boss gets up to her seat to approach Demonseed's cage. Demonseed stops eating again to stare at Female Boss.

"Hi. Helloooo? Hi," says Female Boss as she creeps closer and closer to the cage.

"You're not speaking to me? Hmm?"

"Are you hibernating, Demonseed?"

"You're hibernating aren't you?"

"You're hibernating!"

"You're a bear?"

"A dozing bear!?"

"You're a fluffy and sleeping bear!?" Her voice climbs higher and squeaks as she says bear. It sounds like a shovel being scraped against a rock. Each sentence comes about ten seconds later than the last. Rather than questioning what in the holy fuck this idiot was saying, I just watched Demonseed who had resumed scooping food into that angry beak and crunching down on food after about the second sentence. The look on the bird's face was perfect.. not differing from any other day. Its just that the blank stare of "what the fuck are you doing" was plastered on it. It spoke volumes to me as Demonseed dove back into the food dish time and time again locking eyes with Female Boss as she spewed nonsense over and over again. The bird would have the same look on its face if Female Boss' head happened to be resting on that rock.. and that shovel was in my grip readied for a proper beat down.. I think Demonseed and I had a moment.

Scenario #2: Female Boss is planning a getaway to one of the Plastic's house for the weekend. This set of Plastics live on the beach in a pretty sick place, supposedly. Female Boss deemed fit to suck up office and company time to plan her weekend plans for a good couple of hours. Things were winding down to the final arrangements when Female Boss started to protest some of the specifics.

With an air of arrogance on her breath, "You shouldn't have your mom stay in the family room."

After pretending to listen and care what the Plastic had to say Female Boss shot back again, "I am sleeping in there when I visit. No. Period. You're not giving it to her."

At this point I think that Female Boss and PlasticMom have had a prior tiff and there's not much friendship left between the two. How to be sure tho? Before I can concoct a plan to get it out of her, Female Boss interrupts my train of thought.

"Listen, just go out and buy a bed for her today and put it in the other room you wanted me to stay in."

That pretty much ended the conversation. Female Boss now off the phone lets out a deep and annoyed sigh. This is her usual priming of a conversation.. her predictability comes thru..

"They're made of money. They should just go buy her a bed. I want to stay in that room by myself."

"You guys don't get along?" I ask her.

"What? No. It's just that she's old and decrepit. She needs special care.. and if I am gonna be relaxing I don't want to have to worry about the old bag keeling over. Second of all, I don't need that kind of negative energy ruining my time at their house! Uh-uh. They need to do something about her."

Wow. Female Boss is an asshole. Talking about a friend's (dying?) mom like that? I would even find it hard to stoop that low.

Female Boss Mutterings 7

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

While basically every single featured quote in this series has been something Female Boss has muttered aloud or just enuff to be audible, a couple of these quotes are things that have been said that I would desperately want to stretch out into an Angry Time but either I was unable to write down the info needed to really give the tale some meat or I assumed I would remember the gist of it when the time to write came and I didn't write enuff info down. Either way its my bad and the quotes sit here unused on my desk for months. So I took some time to gather them up and feature them in this Female Boss Mutterings post.

Here's One: This one I really wish I could remember what the conversation revolved around cuz I remember laughing after she said it. All I can remember is that it was over something important and Female Boss was giving sage advice to a Plastic. In order for Female Boss to get her friend motivated she went the route of 5th grade tactics.. not a usual path to tread upon when having a serious conversation with a friend but what do we expect from our fellow sophisticate.. and if I recall the point she made was absolutely off topic and made no sense to use it as a reference.. fuck I'm so mad I didn't have more context to put this in:

"Well, cuz you're a young woman! Duh! You really shouldn't be such a faggot."

Here's Another: This one probably falls into the regular Mutterings category but whatever.. I'm running out of Female Boss blathering so I might as well include this one or I may have to wait months before I can put it in the blog. All that was happening was Pigfoot was outside looking thru the glass sliding door at us. He had his front paws on the concrete step and his back legs were down on the grass. He could see that we were paying attention to him and started wagging his tail. Female Boss then chimes in:

"Awww, look Northe. Pigfoot is showing me his stair project."

She then starts to clapping adding in a Yay every few seconds.. this goes on for almost a minute..

And Another: Female Boss was on the line with a Plastic with The One in her lap. She had just made plans with the Plastic to hang out o'er the weekend. She starts to tell The One about her plans after she hangs up. She picks The One up and starts wiggling him happily talking about, "We're gonna see Plastic this weekend!"

The One doesn't react at all. Female Boss sets him back down in her lap a few moments later. The One curls up to sleep again.

"He doesn't want Plastic to see him in the pink coat."

This makes as much sense to me as it does to you. My guess is she bought him a nice, pink coat to pussify this poor mutt even more and plans on making him wear it with the Plastic present. Then again, maybe she's been making him wear it nonstop while at home and he's sick of it? No clue, I just like how Female Boss has conversations with herself out loud. Its the only thing that makes sense as she offers no frames of reference most of the time and/or expects no follow up response.

Caution: Geniuses At Work 2

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Scenario #1: I realize that the copy machine has only been around for 4 or 5 decades, give or take where you site your sources from, and clearly this isn't near enuff time to expect either one of these modern day nightsoil farmers to figure out how to use one. If I recall correctly, Female Boss needed to make about 20-25 copies of some one page document to hand out at the local yam festival or some such. She starts up the machine and before long I hear the machine start to churn out copies.

"Oh fuck. Shit. Shit! How can I get this to stop?"

Mind you, Female Boss is about five feet from me at this point and I ignore her and handle my shit like its business as usual.

"Where's the stop? How can I stop this? Shit!"

*Whhiiirrrrr-chik*

The copy machine powers down and crams a couple extra pieces of paper in its inner workings. I glance over and see Female Boss standing beside it with the power cable in her hand. Good call, just nip shit in the bud. In a panic ridden situation such as that, one can only act with drastic measures.. there's simply no other option.

"Shit, how do I stop this thing?" she asks again.

"Looks like you just did," I point out.

"Yeah, but I mean how can I stop it for real?"

For real? As in like a normal person? I get up from my desk and walk over to the copy machine. I scan the control panel for about 5 seconds pretending to look for something that's staring at me so plainly.

"Ah, there it is," I say.

"Which one is it?" she asks.

"That large red one that says 'Stop/Cancel' on it."

"Ha ha, ohh. Duh, its only like the size of a pepperoni.. thanks, Northe," she says with a good deal of sarcasm in her voice.

I take my seat while I picture myself removing her liver with a pen.

Scenario #2: I think this was my favorite office tool to play with when I was a kid. Going into my dad's office at home and digging thru his crap while he wasn't there I'd always find myself reaching for this monstrous gadget. With its saber like teeth and little screws on the side that looked like eyeballs to a child's imagination, the staple remover was hands down the coolest shit in the office. Who'da thought that it would also be Female Boss' favorite item in the office to use.

It was kinda weird at first, when Female Boss would staple something it was always a big ordeal it seemed. Always some kind of frustration in her actions, be it huffing and puffing or an angry ruffling of the papers and I never took a second to see why. I made a point to check it out the next time and finally got to see.

*Click*

Female Boss staples the papers together, lifts the stapled corner papers to eye level and lets out a sigh, "Every time," she mutters.

She goes for her staple remover, yanks out the staple and staples the papers again. Upon careful inspection she files the papers away in her desk. Peculiar. Next time, same thing happens. One staple in, one removed, stapled again, all is right in the world. The third time was the breaking point. She staples some paper, removes it, staples it again and checks it out. This time she is not satisfied.

"Fuck, I hate this! This stapler always takes two or more staples to get it right!"

With completely no clue what she's talking about I ask her, "What's wrong with it?"

"It just doesn't staple right. Do we have any others?"

Sure, I coulda given her mine on my desk but what fun is that? So I tell her, "No."

I mean shit, if you don't even know that there's at least two or three others staplers in the office you're a fuckin idiot and deserve to marinate in your stupidity. However, this wasn't the end of it quite yet. When Female Boss leaves for lunch, I swap my stapler for hers to see if its a stapler problem or a user problem.

When I use her stapler its no big deal. Works fine. Then I put myself into the mind of a sprig of broccolini.. hmm, what's this? I notice that the corner of the staple is kinda crimped in, bent a bit. Is this why the stapler "doesn't staple right?"

I grab a few sheets of paper, staple once and staple again in succession. I take a good look at the two staples and I'll be damned if the first isn't bent that tiny fraction of a bit and the other one looks just about flawless. To test the theory a bit further when Female Boss gets back from lunch I tell her I think I fixed her stapler for her.

Sure enuff she is ecstatic, "What did you do!?"

I tell her I just straightened the striking piece. I do it one more and tell her, "I hate staplers like that, they're better off in the trash.. I'm glad I fixed it."

"I know! I can't believe you made this piece of shit work!"

I'll be walking on water next week, folks.

Desktop Lunching

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Announcement: Before we get down to business I wanted you guys to notice the new link I put on the right: Angry Time Sandbox. This is where I, Northe, and several other Angry Timers go to spend a few hours while at work or whatever to get some much needed entertainment pumping thru our veins. Everyone needs a sandbox to play in, this just could become yours! The website is called Kongregate and there are tons of video games from logic, to action, to strategy, to just plain absurdity. The blooming Flash Gaming community uploads games that are rated by users etc etc. So due to the fact anyone can upload a game they designed in Flash some of the games are complete garbage and some are pretty fuckin good. Give it a go if you're interested.. a fun time is definitely had.. best yet its all FREE. If you enjoy the site enuff use the link to register and it will use me as a referral. Ok, enuff of that.. enjoy the latest travesty of the human condition.

The Latest: I was sitting there, minding my own business, waiting for the world to collapse on itself like a dying star when Female Boss breaks the silence by coming into the office. Ah, 11:05am.. right on time.. She carries The One in hand to her desk and starts to bitch about her workload. After about 30 minutes of laughing at her joke in-mails and not working she announces, "I'm gonna have to eat lunch here today, I can't afford to leave the office!"

Funny, cuz there's nothing crazy going on, we aren't slammed or anything.. its just that per her usual behavior she shows up a good hour before lunch, does nothing up until lunch, just like today, and apparently this is catching up to her. So, okay I'll buy it, I guess she is piled up with work, due to her own incompetence and unwillingness to get things done as they come down the line. Female Boss is usually the snag when it comes to the company dragnet to get paid. We need her to finish shit up, handle the reports she is responsible for to get our invoices out but she would rather sit on shit until the bolts are popping out of the boiler.. Male Boss is about the same, but thats another story.

Let's get things straight here, this is not to say that I am not a procrastinator, I would be willing to say that I could very well be the Dean of this School of Thought.. indeed, I am a firm believer in the immortal quote "Hard work often pays off after time, but laziness always pays off now." Were you studying the Angry Time gift idea section to your immediate right this quote would be a mere refresher course. It is this methodology that brought me to my realization of how to write papers in college and guarantee a high mark with little or no planning involved. All these fuckin professors want to hear is you parroting what they say, I took this stance and it always paid off. Waiting for the last day or two to write a 20 page paper based on notes and sheer memory always worked and, more so, the laziness always paid off. However, I am also smart enuff to realize that when you are in a business that pays on performance its in the company's and/or my best interest to get shit done as soon as possible giving us the ability to bill the client and collect a fuckin check. Female and Male Boss.. not so much.

Before I take this post in the opposite direction I want to go in, let me get back to the original idea. Female Boss is staying in the office to eat her lunch. The only pupperoni at the office today is The One who is comatose in her lap.. that is until Female Boss decided its time to eat. She takes out whatever the hell is required to fuel that high-powered brain of hers.. and whatever it is, The One thinks that its his. He bounces up from her lap and puts his front paws on the desk trying to hoist himself up to the prize.

"Hey, The One, I'm eating this ya'know!"

Hmm, complete thought communicated in a clear voice.. well enunciated.. I'm pretty sure that's proper sentence structure.. but a bit of slang in there.. yeah, that's probably why The One isn't obeying her command and now forcing himself thru both of her arms to get onto the desk..

Female Boss knocks the one off balance and back onto her lap with her elbow, "Mine!"

The One goes at it again, Female Boss ripostes, "This is mine! Mine!"

Still undeterred, The One gives it another go, "No! Mine! Noooooo, mine!"

Ah, the "No Command" that oughtta work.. being that The One is trained and all..

"Hey, hey, hey, hey, HEY!"

In frustration, Female Boss slams both palms of her hands on her desk. The One retreats to her lap in fear. Female Boss rushes to take a few bites of food from her plate before The One begins to slowly work his way back to his goal. At this point, Logic is holding a shiv to Female Boss' kidney and pleading with her to just set the stupid dog down on the ground to solve this problem.. but no threat, great nor small, would ever shine thru to Female Boss that would result in a show of marginal intelligence. Her underdeveloped brain fights tooth and nail to avoid coming to such a conclusion and knows that just with a bit more talking and elbowing The One will behave and submit to his Master's wishes.

Logic has exhausted himself. He glances over to see Female Boss sharing the second half of her lunch with The One and our dear friend Logic has now resorted to shoving thumb tacks into the roof of his own mouth as a desperate attempt to cope with what he has seen as he tries to rationalize the situation in his own mind. Now when I say share, I mean share.. The One is eating off of her plate as Female Boss picks at her plate around his head like the forks of two lovers dancing around a shared meal. Dysfunctional bliss.. somebody please knee cap me to erase the memories..

Easy To Confuse 'Em

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Female Boss is on the phone with a Client. Like any normal conversation, that even the most casual of my loyal Angry Time following would imagine, Female Boss makes no exception for a business conversation and turns it into complete and utter preposterous levels. It went a little something like this...

We'll just go ahead and begin at the part where Female Boss is taking the turn to personal conversation and talking about the area we live in. Client located about two hours from us isn't all too familiar with the area, so Female Boss decides to shed some light on the situation, "Yeah, you know, we live in a pretty friendly neighborhood."

At this point I imagine Client is commenting back but Female Boss interrupts the conversation, "No, no wait.. we live in a friendly neighborhood. Right? (Repeating herself much slower now with a deeper and dumber accent) We live in a friendly neighborhood."

I have no clue what the fuck she is doing, the best part is she doesn't stop. Still speaking in that slow, dumb voice, "Everyone wants to live in a friendly neighborhood. Don't you want to live in a friendly neighborhood?"

After a while Female Boss is laughing so hard she can't continue. Between breaths and giggling she starts letting out huge sighs.. at one point I swear I saw her take a tissue to the corner of her eye. I have no clue what the fuck her deal is. The worst thing about someone who isn't funny is when that someone thinks they are funny. Makes the idea of suspension less freakish and possibly more of a solution.

Female Boss catches her breath, "Haha, oh I'm sorry. Oh, hahaha. Its just that it sounds like Mr. Simmons or whatever."

What the fuck? Who the fuck is Mr. Simmons?

"Or Mr. Richards, whatever his name is. How he talks about his friendly neighborhood and all."

Did she just think that Richard Simmons was Mr. Rogers or, better yet, what the fuck is she talking about? I don't even know if Mr. Rogers is the person she is thinking about but its the only damn person I can think of that would talk about the value of being surrounded by friendly neighbors. I can see that as being the leap she made. I mean its easy to confuse 'em isn't it? Chances are she is no where near being on target with anything so who knows at this point if the reference is not just some made up crap floating around in her noggin. So fuckin dumb. Who the fuck knows. What I do know is that she has turned off Client so much that conversation ends and she hangs up all but 15 seconds after her last statement. Well done.

As she hangs up the phone Female Boss starts up again, "Damn it. I just remembered the guy's name. I feel like such an idiot. Its Mr. Wills! Duh!"

What!? I immediately did a search on what the fuck Mr. Wills is and unfortunately, I am pretty sure Female Boss is mistaken yet again. Shocking, I know, that a mind as capable as hers isn't able to fish up an accurate memory. However, I did narrow it down to Mr. Bill as being a television character too. I must admit tho, I have limited knowledge of this character. Chances are this clay, Saturday Night Live humanoid spends his time coercing Pokey to get him in good with that flexible Gumby chap. Anywho, if any of you can verify that maybe Female Boss was thinking of this guy, if he ever talks about his neighborhood, that would be great. If not, I'll be punishing myself over the realization that I just spent my valuable time trying to make sense of what goes on in that lady's head. I'm losing the war, folks.

Caution: Geniuses At Work

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Today we'll touch on some of the technical every day difficulties that I get to see at the office. The type of thing that happens over and over again to the point that its so common I truly forget how deep seeded the boobery I have to deal with truly is. Let's just get to it.

Scenario #1: At one point we had a good fax machine. Somewhere between the rampant idiocy and the drooling state of office affairs, Female Boss decided to buy a "new" one for no fucking apparent reason. The old one worked fine, had no problems and was easy to work with.. hence, good.

Female Boss ends up finding a deal in the newspaper for a fax machine, $20 used. She jumps on this deal like a hobo heaving herself on a nickle. Still miffed at the whole transaction I jump at the opportunity to take the old machine and give it to a friend of mine.. but let's talk about what Female Boss brought in the office. This "new" machine is probably from the 80's. It doesn't even use ink! It uses a roll of toner for crying out loud! That odd carbon paper shit! I don't think I have seen something that prints using a sheet of black carbon, or whatever the fuck it is, since my dad's "cutting edge" word processor he bought back in '83.

The current problem, aside from finally locating a vendor that still sells the bulky toner cartridges, has been both Boss' ability to fax effectively. After about two faxes, I figured out that this stupid fuckin machine can only handle about two pages in the feed tray at a time. So rather than being productive you have to babysit the stupid thing as you fax multi-page documents.. one goes thru and is starting to read the next, you then put the next page in the tray, rinse and repeat till you are done. Total pain in the ass but hey it was such a great deal at $20, right whore?

After several uses, Female Boss has totally abandoned trying to send faxes and makes me do it for her. She doesn't understand the concept of feeding individual pieces of paper into the tray even after I have explained it to her and showed her how to do it, seriously, about a half a dozen times. As for Male Boss, things are much more interesting. Taking the typical word of advice and caution to the wind, I constantly get to see Male Boss loading the fax machine with 10, 15, 20 sheets of paper at a time.. all resulting in a monstrous paper jam.

Male Boss' reactions include: screaming, hitting the fax machine, questioning Female Boss' decision to purchase a new fax machine in various ways, such as, "When the fax machine works, you buy the new one? How fucking stupid you are?", yanking the cord out while the fax machine squeals in pain and asking me questions like, "Why he takes all of them," he being the fax machine, all of them referring to the 33 pieces of paper he wants to fax that took him a good 5 minutes to cram into the paper tray resulting in his 29th paper jam to date.. and that's since I started counting about a month or so after Female Boss bought it early last year. If only the contraption had some exposed wiring or something it'd be even more entertaining.. nothing like a little voltage running thru the ticker every time you're an idiot.

Scenario #2: This one is a short one but still as mind numbingly stunning as any other. It involves a conversation with Female Boss wanting to print a document. She had downloaded it via in-mail and saved it to her desktop.

"Hey Northe, can I print this document?"

Are you fucking kidding me, "Yes."

"Ok, I want to print it."

I refuse to waste my breath.

"Ok, so.. I go to print. Hey, but wait, Northe, its like 30 pages."

I still don't say anything. What's the point really? All we are waiting for is the big payoff so what quicker way to get there by just letting her continue to snowball?

"Well, what I'm saying is I want to print it but I don't want to print the 30 pages."

"You want to print the whole thing?"

"Yes," she answers.

"But you don't want to print the whole thing?"

"Yes," she answers again.

If only I was Billy Crystal in Mr. Saturday Night.. you see what I did there?

Female Boss Mutterings 6

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Holy shit. Do you realize it has almost been a whole year and a half since I have called upon this ongoing epic string of pitiful whispering not meant for any ears let alone eyes!? A year and a half! I can't believe it. Well, hopefully it lives up to the high expectations.. in all honesty, I don't know if it will as most of Female Boss' mutterings have been a lot of the same ol' shit and I try to do my best to keep things fresh up in here. I think I'll keep my side comments out of this post.. let the reader really enjoy it and soak in the simplistic beauty and euphoria I experience when I hear these from the whorse's mouth. Here's some of the latest and most interesting.

"I thought chocolate was supposed to wake you up."

Glaring at The One, "Look at him rub his ass along the rug.. I knew he was gonna do that."

"How come they say mother-in-law, it doesn't make any sense."

"I have to work on not repeating myself."

"Shit. Is thank you one word or two?"

After Male Boss was giving her crap over nothing, "Fuck you. He's an asshole. You asshole. He just wants to piss me off."

"What time was it a year ago?"

Half whispering and half singing in the face of a screaming Demonseed to calm the bird down, "Its an innocent little girl.. you're just an innocent little girl.."

"What number do I call to find out what time traffic starts?"

"If I had the money I would give Pigfoot lipo to improve his lifestyle."

Do what you will with these few here and I'll see if I can't get you more in the future. In the meantime, pop in HMT's favorite band "Capitol Offense"'s latest CD and let the everyday stylings of Huckabee's epic bass playing open your eyes to how rotten, inside and out, our country's political system has become. Truly nauseating.

Angry Time Observations

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

We're off topic today. Let's see what I can fish up and just rant about. Hey I know, let's go after the movies we are being subjected to. Generally speaking, the last few months of movies spewed out by Hollywood some words that come to mind are feeble, shameful and deplorable.

Agree or disagree?

Seriously, what are you gonna throw at me? Cloverfield? Please. Like I shouted from the rooftops for months, if you knew me, that shit was gonna be Blair Witch on the streets of New York. You can easily come to the conclusion that it will be pure garbage when you see the name J.J. Abrams affiliated with that shit. This motherfucker has brought some of the biggest disappointments in television history in recent years with the titles Alias and Lost. Now I know a bunch of you teet sucklers are still begging for Lost to be worth a shit but I seriously doubt it. The guy comes up with great ideas but can't finish em. He's the typical Hollywood writer that comes out with an idea with tremendous potential but can't deliver a stable storyline that stands the test of time let alone the mental strength to figure out how to end it! Case in point is how he wrecked Alias in the last couple seasons and what he did with fuckin Cloverfield!

Don't get me started on that salty wad of lung cheese. That mother fucker promoted the shit outta this film, which is what he does best (note references above and realize they are all successful products due to his hype machine), as some sort of monster movie in which the monster is seen for all of a handful of minutes but then, THEN this mother fucker had the audacity to score a zero on the creativity scale by making it a sorry ass love story. That's right, the shit is a fuckin love story, say otherwise and you're fulla shit. There is no action, there are no redeeming qualities.. taking it one further, if you felt any fright in this movie you'd probably go sleepless for a week after watching Gremlins, you colossal puss. The only thing you're left with at the end of this movie is hope and mystery. The same hope and mystery that will get your sorry ass to shell out more money in the future.

The movie is peppered with small tidbits of information that the average maggot in society finds hearty enuff to feast on.. sure, there'll be a 2nd Cloverfield and a 3rd.. all the while J.J. will throw you some bones but the big picture will end up being either A) missing or B) pointless. Come on you Lost fans.. sounds pretty fuckin familiar, doesn't it? Face the facts, jack.. horrible movie, poorly done and executed with the precision of a blind truck driver.

Sidebar: Before you think I put up my hard earned money to watch this movie know that I snuck in like a high school reject.. jeah, bitches!

What about Atonement? I watched this with my girlfriend via our friend the internet and those wacky illegal websites willing to give us access to movies for no cost. Saving money while being afforded the luxury to watch something I doubt I will enjoy? Sounds like a winner to me.

Don't worry, I'll sum up this movie in short order. 20 minutes into the movie my girlfriend, the love story queen of the ages, suggested we turn off the movie as it has already shown itself to be an over-hyped, hodgepodge of slow play half-drama seasoned with "dramatic" shots of panning over green-screen landscapes that take up 20 minutes of your life without giving you any sort of element that would be linked with relevance. The sad fact is I can see some of you wow'ing at the idea to present a movie without telling a story half the time as being "revolutionary" so hey, if that's your thing go back to your independent film making and keep living on top ramen.. you're ruining the perception of what a quality product is. At least do me the decency of only subjecting it to your inner circle of friends whose idea of a good time is rubbing cocaine on their gums, you ephemeral aristocrats.

I will give the writer a dash of credit with the "surprise" ending as I am a man that expects things created thru imagination to be concluded with just as powerful, if not a more powerful, sense of imagination that it started with. This is the only thing in that flick that stuck with me, a twist for an ending that was too little too late.. its kind of like sifting thru a bowl of phlegm and finding a brownie bite. Oh and don't think I forgot about you Hollywood.. way to honor this garbage with hundreds of awards.. you posse of worthless, self-righteous douchebags..

To quote my liege Braveheart, "I'm not finished!" How about the last ones I reduce to jelly and sinew are the well-paid analysts, commentators and "experts" that pounded us for weeks with their completely incorrect opinions about the Super Bowl? How about we knee cap these sad sack, self-important jackoffs that can be so dead wrong with no consequence. The weathermen of the sports world.. this fraternity of doe-eyed band wagoners. Am I a Giants fan? Fuck no. Did I think the Giants would win, not a chance. So why am I being such a dick about this?

Cuz I'm not paid for my opinion!

How can everyone be so fuckin wrong about something that was seemingly so set in stone? I am a huge football fan, huge. There is no time of the year that is better in my opinion than football season.. and to see the dumb fuckin looks on all these assholes faces tells me there is something right in the world. No matter what everyone is saying, no matter how loud the voices, no matter how strong the opinion you still gotta play the game. You still gotta play the game. Tremendous respect for the Giants. You gotta believe that, even if you're a Patriots fan.. you got punched in the mouth and didn't get back up. You got beat, plain and simple. If Eli woulda been having one of his great games, far and few between as they may be, it woulda been a fuckin stomping.. believe that. Its season enders like this that make us love the game.

One more thing before I end this one. Tiki Barber, you look like a complete idiot. How can your colleagues even look you in the eyes? From day one you built the foundation of your career on shit talking the Giants organization, Eli Manning, Tom Coughlin and your teammates. You sorry pathetic piece of shit, you look like a complete joke. Sure as fuck seems like there was a locker room problem on that team and it resolved itself once you left. That's gotta taste sweet to those that you railroaded for all those months. You sorry ass weatherman, desktop squawk box. Its only people like you and those propped up to such prestigious positions in society and government that can be so painfully and terribly wrong yet still keep their jobs and continue to make more money than most of the population based on a short-sided, biased and the just plain wrong opinion of what you thought Giants football was about. I'll go back to doing the job I do so fuckin well while being held accountable for it like the majority of the world.

Eat shit. Let nothing or no one be safe from the scope of my vision.. especially those that deserve to be called out by society based on the all-too-obvious. Angry Time in effect. Till next time.

Got Milk?

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Female Boss starts off the day by telling me that The One and Puppy had a bit of a tiff last night that involved The One clamping down on the throat of Puppy which Female Boss had to break up. There was no damage, no blood, not even a scratch, probably just a warning shot across the bow letting Puppy know if she fucks with The One again its gonna be angry time. Of course I am delighted to hear the news cuz any potential for a story about the dogs always gets high marks by you folks. The info pays off as we get a small delivery here likely linked to the events of the night prior.

In her infinite wisdom, Female Boss brought in a small doggy enclosure to give the two dogs a little bit of space.. which I think she mentioned that she uses in the kitchen at her place. She puts The One in the enclosure and Puppy is allowed to roam free.. since its rainy out the dogs get to stay inside if they wish. As for Pigfoot he's taking up his normal roost outside and sleeping the day away, poor weather or not. The morning was as normal as any.

Post-lunch a hyper Puppy starts testing The One's waters. Although I can't see what exactly is going on, I can hear Puppy running around the whole house and stopping in front of The One's enclosure. The One is starting to get a bit peeved about Puppy's taunting but rather than react like a regular, angry, fuckin dog with growling, The One acts like a pathetic, whimpering bitch and starts to whine for his mommy. Enter Female Boss with her across-the-house inquiries to her precious pooch, "What's the problem, The One? Did Puppy do something gross?"

I have no idea what that means but it isn't shutting The One up. Before long Female Boss will lose it and in short order does. Building on her repertoire, Female Boss introduces me to a new means by which to deal with her mounting frustration. While she pounds the clickable end of a pen into her forehead she pleads to her pagan gods, "Please, please, please, please.."

I sit in sheer amazement that her method is not working.. but this has never stopped her before, "Please stop, please stop. Fuck.. please be quiet."

Hmm, still not working.. in fact, The One's crying is getting much, much louder.. likely due to the fact that he knows he has piqued Female Boss' interest in him. So what better way to get what you want than make a bigger fuss. Female Boss' reaction is a bit harsh.. even for her, "I hate myself."

Hopefully her hate for herself lies within the fact that she is the one that has created these mentally disturbed dogs.. among other things, too. Finally she gets up from her desk and stops The One from behaving like a complete puss. Oh wait, she's treating him like a complete puss so she is merely facilitating the behavior further.. After pampering The One with smooches and hugs, Female Boss does what any smart animal lover and pet owner would do and sets The One down on the ground.. out in the open.. the same open that Puppy, you know the dog that was taunting him a few seconds ago, is roaming free..

Within seconds, The One runs down Puppy and places her gentle, swan-like neck into his clamping jaw. Female Boss shrieks like a banshee, I go over for a closer look. The One has Puppy planted firmly on the ground with a paw, Female Boss is frozen in terror and can't even speak, tho no signs of the chewing action going on by The One so thats a good thing.. I guess. Seeing that Female Boss is not going to do anything, I give The One a swift kick to his soft, white underbelly and he lets Puppy go. I get in between The One and Puppy using the Shaolin blade that is my foot. The One still has fight left in him and starts trying to snap at Puppy who is cowering against the wall a couple feet away. Simply shoving my foot in front of The One's face prevents him from charging at Puppy again. Female Boss finally gets her wits about her and picks up The One.

"Jeezus! Thank you so much I didn't know what to do!"

It is my opinion that freezing up during any time of duress is a terrible sign of weakness that should be eliminated from our society. We don't need people like this. They serve no purpose. Really, what's the point if you have no mettle? Everywhere else in nature dictates that you will be phased out, period. Controlled extermination, c'mon people, get with it.

Coming back to the story now, The One is scooped up by Female Boss and is like putty in her hands, its like the whole thing never happened with the way he is acting. Its kind of disturbing when I think about it. Wait a second, here's the big moment! Its another of Female Boss' opportunities to take any disciplinary action against any one of her unruly dogs. Here we go! Wait for it! Female Boss puts a stern look on her face and holds The One up to her eyes and, and, and..... starts to laugh..

"Ha ha ha, look at this, Northe! He has white on his lower lip like the dairy commercials!"

Female Boss is stricken with joy.. sure, why not? Is there really anything else in the world that would make sense, really? The "white" on his lower lip is anger foam from trying to snap his jaws at Puppy.. easily mistaken by the unlearned eye for something cuddly and sweet. The "dairy commercial" is obviously the Got Milk? ad.. tho I believe she has the upper lip confused with the lower lip.. another expected hiccup for someone who in society helps run a successful and profitable business. I must admit tho, I'm actually kind of surprised she made an almost-accurate pop reference.. which obviously overshadows any type of concern for the dogs and the evening's home situation for Female Boss. Keep on encouraging and/or ignoring the warning signs Female Boss.. a truly epic Angry Time hangs in the balance for that to happen sooner rather than later.

New Skin is New Life

Like a demented serial killer fashions an overcoat from the flayed skin of his victim's, Angry Time is sporting a new look! The new design and graphics are compliments of long time Angry Timer, Gatsulu, who happens to do web design and is desperate for your table scraps.. so if you want to get over on a sick looking website for back alley Mexico prices lemme know.. I'll get you in touch with him. Second, toss feedback my way via in-mail or comments. Enjoy the new look and a whole new year of Angry Time triumphs!

A Little Late For Thanksgiving Posts

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I dropped the ball on this one. I was supposed to get this one to you back last year right after Thanksgiving. The problem is with such a list of Angry Times to write up it got lost in the mix.. my apologies..

So for the sake of this post, I need you guys to put yourself back in the times of full bellies, dousing your sleeping grandmother with the cold, coagulated and gelatinous remains of what's left in the gravy boat and swapping stories of hornswaggling the local native american down the street for ol' times sake.. ok, we there yet? Good.

Female Boss was on the phone with her brother waxing fancy pants knowledge and some such.. it went a little something like this..

"Well, it really is doom and gloom out here. You should see the way they are advertising! The economy is tanking!"

Preparing myself for the knowledge to drop, I stroke my index finger and thumb across my chin.

"Well, yeah! I mean this year they are starting things up the day after Thanksgiving! Like, EARLY. MORNING. SALES!"

Like many of my fellow Americans, Female Boss knows that the pulse of the fragile American economy relies on retail marketing ideas and trends. Furthermore, the financial desperation of the average American is directly related to the time sales, especially those of the post-Thanksgiving variety, start in the a.m.. Compound that with the fact that Female Boss has apparently never heard of "Black Friday" or "The Christmas Shopping Season" and we are ripe for the next Great Depression. If Greenspan was still in charge he'd have pointed that out weeks in advance.. why Bernanke didn't have the stones to give us fair warning is beyond me..

"Well, yeah. It gets worse! They are starting to talk about these other sales now. Like One-Day and Two-Day sales.. they're getting desperate out there."

One and two day sales? Whatever happened to the honest lunchtime sales of yore!? These stores might as well join ranks with the professional beggars and cut their losses! Truthfully tho, this makes me wonder what exactly the reaction of her brother is during this conversation. I know him to be of marginal intelligence at the very worst, so what could be going on in his mind during this philosophical rant by Female Boss? Whatever he is or isn't doing is only making her continue..

"This isn't good. I for one haven't seen anything like it. Have you? I mean, all these gimmicks to get people in to the stores.. I really don't like it."

What sucks is I didn't get to hear how the conversation ended as I had to take a phone call but the bottom line is something is definitely up. I used to believe the last thing businesses wanted out of the population was to reap some sort of financial gain from us.. but now, with the points Female Boss has raised I am starting to think otherwise. Think about it, were I not to listen to Female Boss' phone call I might have fallen prey to their scandalous ways rather than put my money under the mattress! Needless to say, her words got around fast enuff to stop the country from going into financial meltdown but I will keep you all informed if any further insightful forecasting is brought to light much, much earlier next time..

"Company" Cell Phones

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

It was decided that the company, read as: everyone but me, should have cell phones. Before you get the image of in-office communication being handled via tin cups and miles of string, understand that everyone does already have a cell phone.. which makes the executive decision all the more suspicious. I have no clue why Female Boss wants to move herself, Male Boss and The Professional over to a Company Cell Phone program. The only thing I can think of is for tax purposes and maybe that she can pay less than her individual cell phone plan yet use more minutes.

Either way the order was placed and the new cell phones were en route. When they arrive, I come to find out that Female Boss ordered herself one of those multi-functional blackberries, whereas Male Boss and The Professional are stuck with basic crapshop flip phones.. zero bells and/or whistles. I guess these pissant phones for Male Boss and The Professional don't have sim cards or anything like that either.. maybe that's last year's technology but I know all the cell phones I have owned in the last few years have had one so that seemed kinda odd to me.

The reason why she has made the switch is becoming clear.. shocking to think that Female Boss would make a self-serving decision without running it by anyone essentially. Well, that statement is only slightly unfair I guess. She did let Male Boss know she was going to do this. Of course Male Boss had no rational means by which he can question the decision. You see, Female Boss is smart enuff to know that discussing anything outside of potato chip trivia and tight fitting manorexic jeans with Male Boss is equivalent to talking nuclear fission with a pine cone.

The beauty with Female Boss' promotional deal is that as soon as she receives the cell phones she has to call the company to activate them. So she goes ahead and calls up the now infamous tech support compound for the world located in India. First things first, *ahem* "Lisa" prompts Female Boss to turn on her phone and retrieve a text message she has now sent her to begin the activation process. As likely as a scenario as there ever was, Female Boss starts having a fit, "Its not working."

Being the tech guru of the office, which isn't saying much, I offer my outstretched hand silently to see if I can figure out the problem. Female Boss ignores my advances and keeps going thru the PowerOn procedure. "Lisa" starts getting impatient and inquisitive, "Yes the battery is in, I put it in myself," snaps back Female Boss sternly.

"I mean does the thing have any power in the battery? Should I charge it?" she says while still fiddling with it.

After a few more minutes, Female Boss starts voicing her complete befuddlement as to why they sent her "a defective phone."

Again, I hold my hand out. Female Boss gets the hint and hands me the phone. I don't bother hitting the power button bcuz I know she has tried this approach a good 48 times to no avail. Instead, I flip the phone over on its face and pop open the battery casing. Shocking, no battery.

"There's no battery in here, Female Boss," I say as I hand it back to her.

"There has to be, I put it in myself!"

I grab the box from the table, remove the hunk of plastic that is the battery and remove it from its taped-closed, plastic sleeve, "Here ya go," I say.

Female Boss is now explaining to "Lisa" that she knows she put the battery in and even goes as far as saying, "Ok, I'm putting the battery in again."

Now we come to her sim card. Female Boss exclaims with great delight, "I have a zin card!"

"Lisa" tells Female Boss to get her "zin card" from her old phone. Female Boss can't immediately find her phone and freaks. She starts slamming the palm of her hand all over her desk on piles of paper seeing if her cell phone is underneath anything.

"Oh I know, its in my car. Would you mind holding?"

Female Boss goes out to her car. About 5 minutes pass. She comes back in.

"Have you seen my cell phone, Northe?"

Leave me the fuck alone, "No."

She gets back on the phone and tells our resident chutney-butt "Lisa" that she cannot find her "zin card" and if its necessary to have to activate the phone. "Lisa" tells her yes. Female Boss puts her back on hold.

"Did you see me put down my cell phone anywhere, Northe?"

Jeezus fuck, of course I did! In fact, Female Boss, I can't get any work done until I find out where exactly you set down your fucking phone, "No."

"I have no clue if I even brought it to the office today!"

I would venture to say that a goldfish has a better memory than you, "You must have, you called me from your car while on your way in to ask about Client Meeting."

"Oh you're right, did I have it on me when I came in to the office?"

I stop answering.

Female Boss keeps slamming the palms of her hands around her desk. I look at Female Boss doing her best cave man impression and throw out the advice, "Did you check your jacket?"

"Oh! Where is it?"

My voice goes monotone, "On the back of your chair..."

Female Boss finds her phone in her jacket and gets back on the line.

"Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello!? HELLO!? They put me on hold!"

The nerve of those people...

A few minutes go by and Female Boss starts up a new conversation, "Oh hi, Amber, I was just on hold with Lisa, she was helping me set up my zin card."

"Amber" says something that makes Female Boss say back with a puzzled look on her face, "No I am pretty sure its a zin card, I don't think I have a sim card."

"Amber" catches on pretty quickly and realizes that she is dealing with an underdeveloped mind and starts trying to set Female Boss up on the network. Female Boss is following "Amber's" instructions and interjects, "Hey what's this button on the front?"

"Amber" goes thru probably ten different answers to which all are met with Female Boss saying, "No, its on the front of the phone."

Which really means the back of the phone. Which really means that its not a button. Which actually turns out to be the camera. "Ohhhhh, the camera!" says a delighted Female Boss.

Yeah, fascinating. Then, to my satisfaction, "Amber" puts Female Boss on hold. About a minute goes by and a now offended Female Boss is speaking with "Anne."

"Uh huh, well Anne, I wanted to speak with your supervisor if they are available."

Female Boss is connected with Associate. She tells Associate that she feels like no one wants to help her with her problem. Obviously leaving out the fact that she has the inability to follow simple instructions without interjecting irrelevant queries at the drop of a hat. However, the diligent Associate takes the problem into his own hands and gets Female Boss set up after 10 minutes. Female Boss then hands me her phone. On the screen is the Tutorial Process loaded into the phone. Now why would Female Boss hand me the phone now? Well the answer is obvious, so she has no clue how to work her phone in the future. Sounds good to me.

Once I am done and am pretty familiar with her phone I hand it back to her. She starts squinting and doing the ol' phone close to the face, phone far away from the face technique. Apparently she is having a hard time reading it and then lets me know, "I can't read the numbers."

Female Boss fumbles around for her 99 cent store glasses, puts em on and says, "I still can't read the numbers." She grabs a 2nd pair of glasses and puts them on over the other pair. Looking like a complete ass, as if she needed any help from either pair of glasses, Female Boss starts pecking away at her new phone with a big grin on her face. Needless to say, she never really figured out anything regarding her new phone and was even asking multiple questions to an unanswering Northe. Oh well, like I give a fuck.. you hand me your phone when its tutorial is ready to teach you how to use it you deserve to suffer thru the most menial task.

Hey, Another Year Here

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

The New Year came and went like a flash, never quite as eventful as some of the local boobery would have you believe, agreed? The good thing about ringing in the New Year is that we get to look forward to a whole other year of work.. yeah, great.

As most of you dread your decades of toil to come, walking into your usual office with co-workers you'd sooner gib in the name of John Fucking Rambo than offer them a whiff of the bathroom after you launched a sea pickle, your buddy Northe gets to walk in on the glorious Male Boss. Indeed, walk in on Male Boss futzing around with his 9 deck stereo system circa 1982 crackle, pop and hum thru his speakers until I am subjected to this. Go ahead, stay a while and listen..

Now as happy as "Brownprideroldies" is to be sharing that travesty of a song with the world of You Tube, I assure you I met Male Boss', while wearing a stinky shirt, sweat pants with a sheer worn down crotch and filthy socks, beckoning me to get up and do something that looked like "The Twist" with as cold and hard as a stare as that same You Tube uploader. All I needed was loc's and a button up shirt so I could just affix the top button to pull off the full effect.

"Come on, Northe! Its the New Years!" then singing in his horrid accent, "Giddy up Ding-dong!"

If this is how ppl celebrate bringing in the New Year, I want no part of it. That is to say, unless maybe I'm at a lofty position overlooking said celebration with a sniper rifle. Then, I could see some corny ass New Year's Party being fun.. only then could I..

Seconds thereafter, I turned my back to him and immersed myself in any place I could pull this here move with little to no repercussions aside from using a little extra detergent for that particular load of laundry. Oh, lemme guess.. that still from the new Rambo means nothing to you cuz you didn't see it? Well listen up, jerkass, you need to see it to find out what all happens! Two kills per minute in that movie.. I've said more than I need to.

So after this charade that has left me feeling embarrassed for Male Boss, he continues to bring out all the old insipid crap he seasoned his youth with. The great news is that Female Boss has been secretly seething at her desk this entire morning waiting for her moment to strike back. You see, she has been keeping an eye on him quite keenly. When the opportunity presents itself, Female Boss gets up from her desk and goes over to the stereo.

A quick set up of the scene places Male Boss on all fours fucking around with the wiring on the floor. Female Boss storms to the front of the stereo and gives the volume a liberal twist. The result is nothing more than a noise, shorting sound and a pop that makes Male Boss jump up about a foot and a half. Female Boss' play was so well timed she waited for his head to be right next to the floor speaker and WHAM, let him have it. Screaming ensues.. illogical, irrational barking and hooting.

After quips about as notable as a Shake N Bake dinner, the discussion goes toward our usual direction of folly.

Female Boss starts up with, "So the deal is I am going to from now on tell our clients that you are no longer working for the company and have become a fag Euro DJ, right?"

The kicker to this is she slams his favorite cordless phone straight down to the floor smashing it at Male Boss' feet. Male Boss is just standing there, fiery red, with no words coming out of his angry maw.

"You're a complete waste of my time!" she screams.

Female Boss goes for his pack of cigarettes.. this here kind. Now I don't know the first thing about letting a dried up leaf of some plant control my life, but these aren't gonna get you a free pass to walk around in Marlboro country. They are as thick as like 3 fuckin toothpicks, I mean is he serious? Anyway, she grabs his pack up smokes, goes over to the kitchen and dumps them down the garbage disposal.

"I warned you!" she yells.

The soothing roar of the garbage disposal makes quick work of his cigs.

Male Boss lets loose, "You fucking bitch! You have a big mental problem. A big fucking mental problem!"

Female Boss lashes back like a foreigner with English for a 3rd language might, "I know I do! I have a big fucking mental problem, YOU!"

Yeah, that made sense. It gets pretty frustrating that these two rarely ever share barbs worth reporting for shit talking purposes. If anything, I hope that this year brings much more physical violence and acting out to the office. This blog could always use more of that.