Caution: Geniuses At Work 2

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Scenario #1: I realize that the copy machine has only been around for 4 or 5 decades, give or take where you site your sources from, and clearly this isn't near enuff time to expect either one of these modern day nightsoil farmers to figure out how to use one. If I recall correctly, Female Boss needed to make about 20-25 copies of some one page document to hand out at the local yam festival or some such. She starts up the machine and before long I hear the machine start to churn out copies.

"Oh fuck. Shit. Shit! How can I get this to stop?"

Mind you, Female Boss is about five feet from me at this point and I ignore her and handle my shit like its business as usual.

"Where's the stop? How can I stop this? Shit!"

*Whhiiirrrrr-chik*

The copy machine powers down and crams a couple extra pieces of paper in its inner workings. I glance over and see Female Boss standing beside it with the power cable in her hand. Good call, just nip shit in the bud. In a panic ridden situation such as that, one can only act with drastic measures.. there's simply no other option.

"Shit, how do I stop this thing?" she asks again.

"Looks like you just did," I point out.

"Yeah, but I mean how can I stop it for real?"

For real? As in like a normal person? I get up from my desk and walk over to the copy machine. I scan the control panel for about 5 seconds pretending to look for something that's staring at me so plainly.

"Ah, there it is," I say.

"Which one is it?" she asks.

"That large red one that says 'Stop/Cancel' on it."

"Ha ha, ohh. Duh, its only like the size of a pepperoni.. thanks, Northe," she says with a good deal of sarcasm in her voice.

I take my seat while I picture myself removing her liver with a pen.

Scenario #2: I think this was my favorite office tool to play with when I was a kid. Going into my dad's office at home and digging thru his crap while he wasn't there I'd always find myself reaching for this monstrous gadget. With its saber like teeth and little screws on the side that looked like eyeballs to a child's imagination, the staple remover was hands down the coolest shit in the office. Who'da thought that it would also be Female Boss' favorite item in the office to use.

It was kinda weird at first, when Female Boss would staple something it was always a big ordeal it seemed. Always some kind of frustration in her actions, be it huffing and puffing or an angry ruffling of the papers and I never took a second to see why. I made a point to check it out the next time and finally got to see.

*Click*

Female Boss staples the papers together, lifts the stapled corner papers to eye level and lets out a sigh, "Every time," she mutters.

She goes for her staple remover, yanks out the staple and staples the papers again. Upon careful inspection she files the papers away in her desk. Peculiar. Next time, same thing happens. One staple in, one removed, stapled again, all is right in the world. The third time was the breaking point. She staples some paper, removes it, staples it again and checks it out. This time she is not satisfied.

"Fuck, I hate this! This stapler always takes two or more staples to get it right!"

With completely no clue what she's talking about I ask her, "What's wrong with it?"

"It just doesn't staple right. Do we have any others?"

Sure, I coulda given her mine on my desk but what fun is that? So I tell her, "No."

I mean shit, if you don't even know that there's at least two or three others staplers in the office you're a fuckin idiot and deserve to marinate in your stupidity. However, this wasn't the end of it quite yet. When Female Boss leaves for lunch, I swap my stapler for hers to see if its a stapler problem or a user problem.

When I use her stapler its no big deal. Works fine. Then I put myself into the mind of a sprig of broccolini.. hmm, what's this? I notice that the corner of the staple is kinda crimped in, bent a bit. Is this why the stapler "doesn't staple right?"

I grab a few sheets of paper, staple once and staple again in succession. I take a good look at the two staples and I'll be damned if the first isn't bent that tiny fraction of a bit and the other one looks just about flawless. To test the theory a bit further when Female Boss gets back from lunch I tell her I think I fixed her stapler for her.

Sure enuff she is ecstatic, "What did you do!?"

I tell her I just straightened the striking piece. I do it one more and tell her, "I hate staplers like that, they're better off in the trash.. I'm glad I fixed it."

"I know! I can't believe you made this piece of shit work!"

I'll be walking on water next week, folks.