The Kryssmas Chronicles: "Pet Adoption"

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Sidebar: Okay, Angry Timers, this will be the last post for maybe another 2 weeks or so just like the last one. Reason being is that there are big things going on behind the scenes that you don't know about just yet. First thing being that the next post I make will be the 250th post on Angry Time and the second thing being a secret. Stay tuned and check every couple days cuz once its here, you're going to want to be a part of it! You may read the story now.

This story is from back in the day when I first started working here. There I was, full of hopes and dreams and really desperate for any form of income. I somehow found my way to this god forsaken place and decided to dig my trench here and, as you well know, have been taking grenades ever since. I'm hoping to dredge up a few more stories from memory that are worth mentioning. This was probably one of the first instances that I experienced here that made me see how suicide could be a viable option for some people.

Back then, Demonseed had an ally. The bird's name was.. eh, we'll call it Kryssmas. Any real deal gamer among you will appreciate that.. derived from UO and the underrated weapon, the kryss.. good ol' deadly poison. Ok, enuff of that. So, Kryssmas wasn't so much gifted to Female Boss and Male Boss as it was forced upon them and ultimately adopted. As the story goes, some friend of Female Boss' was leaving the state and couldn't take the bird. The bird needed a home and Female Boss figured that Kryssmas would make a fantastic pet. Upon close arm's length, if not across the room, inspection anyone could tell that Kryssmas wasn't going to be a normal bird let alone pointing out that taking on the little shit was no where near being seen as an intelligent decision.

Kryssmas was one of those birds that are completely neurotic. Kryssmas' neurosis lied within the realm of self-mutilation.. plucking any feather out of its body that the ol' beak could reach. The poor fuck was a terrible sight.. and probably looked even worse than that. It made the bird as unattractive as one could possibly be.. and not being a big fan of birds, in general, it made that feeling of wanting to throw paper clips at it all day long that much stronger.

Back then, Male Boss was a bit thinner in comparison to him being quite rotund now. Male Boss had a quick bonding with Kryssmas. His pet names for Kryssmas were "the crazy bird" or "the fucked up bird." Endearingly, of course.

Of all the times I wish I was smart enuff to have a camera at work to document the evidence for all to see, I regret not having one this time. I remember the scene quite well, Male Boss was on his couch in the sitting room snacking on what looked to be a two pound bag of sunflower seeds. He was in a slouched position with his ass barely hanging onto the couch. Male Boss wore a black sweater that was completely covered in sunflower shells, fragments and salt. It was absurd, having a black sweater on only made it stand out even more.

The word slob falls as short as a Wile E. Coyote bridge building kit trying to span across a canyon when trying to describe what Male Boss looked like. There he sat, completely disheveled, looking like a cross between a hobo and an ape of some sort. His hair was sticking up like he stuck his finger in a socket.. and then there was sweet, innocent Kryssmas. The reason Male Boss' hair looked like complete shit is cuz Male Boss allowed Kryssmas to literally nest in his hair. Kryssmas would hang out on Male Boss' head as Kryssmas would do his best job to tease Male Boss' hair into a desired look from the '80s.

I was able to see this up close bcuz I handed Male Boss a report for him to take a look at. Referring to his weight.. or coulda been how disgustingly dirty he made his surroundings, Male Boss looked up at me and said, "If you want to look like the bird you have to eat like the bird."

I did my best not to shiv him in the throat or make a big deal out of it cuz I didn't want him to make any moves. I wanted to sit back from my desk and observe this sloth being preened by Kryssmas. Indeed, up to this point in my life, it was one of the oddest things I had ever seen.. now trumped by a myriad of other sights I have had to be witness to here at the investment property. However, much like everything else in Angry Time, the madness didn't end there.

While keeping a close eye on Kryssmas picking thru Male Boss' lice and flea infected hair, Male Boss kept shoveling more and more sunflower seeds in his mouth. Knowing no bounds, Kryssmas decided to share in the bounty. A few hops down toward Male Boss' right hand Kryssmas plunged head first into the enormous bag of sunflower seeds and started having lunch. Kryssmas was living most any person's food fantasy.. being ankle deep in a bag of tasty goods and eating as much as you could possibly stand. What's crazier is Male Boss didn't even flinch.. this had to have been normal behavior for both of these clowns.. pretty much makes me sick much like this did.

Now that the whole scene is set I'll leave you with Male Boss' words that followed about ten minutes after Kryssmas starting his gorging.

"Oh shit. The fucking crazy bird just took the shits in the bag with the seeds!"

Less than two minutes later, without moving, Male Boss was seen shoveling more seeds into his maw. Maybe he was just reaching deeper into the bag. Its still good.