Master of Analogy 3

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Let's go back a few years ago, when Hector was a pup.. the year is 2005 and I posted a couple sensational peeks into Female Boss' backwards way of thinking and translating those thoughts into what we laymen would readily recognize as a a form of communication but would never concede the communication as being an intelligible string of words. Most of us rubbed our foreheads down to the bone pondering what, if any, boundary of human decency would eventually get in the way of Female Boss' incredible and fearless attempts to continually ooze inane commentary upon the world. That boundary.. that obstacle, as it were, is yet to meet Female Boss or even slow her down. With wanton disregard for all that is virtuous and right in the world, Female Boss has sullied my slightly impure sphere with her chatter once again (agayn for my Canadian audience).

Female Boss arrives at the Investment Property a little bit after me. I can tell that something is on her mind, as she carries The One in her arms. She is not settling down in her seat, instead she looks to be doing some kind of moron dance with The One that involves doing a lot of pacing, half turns and pirouettes. Before I am mesmerized by her irrational undulations, Female Boss cracks.

"I'm really depressed today, Northe."

I don't say anything, no need to throw gas on a potential inferno.

"I haven't had time to see my family. I haven't gone out with my friends at all in the last week. I feel isolated. Work is taking a toll on me."

I'll be honest and tell you that the last week she is referring to has been about normal. No more than a 40 hour week.. but maybe that's exactly what the problem is. Instead of showing up at noon and leaving before me or showing up on time at leaving at 2, Female Boss has been putting in some pretty honest days. The feeble frame that holds her warped reality together is giving way due to what most of this country would call a pretty normal week.

"I just don't get it, where is everyone? Why is no one calling me?"

Its one thing to bitch but its totally another thing to bitch out loud. One might gather that I am not the most compassionate of the executioners within a six block radius, so make no mistake when I point out that I can really give two shits when someone like Female Boss is trying to come off like she has some problems. I'd hogtie Huckaboom with guitar string to have my biggest problem of the day be wondering why someone hadn't called me. Especially when she can fuckin call them. People should really pick what information they share out loud cuz most of the time you're gonna come off looking like a complete douche.

Before noon, one of The Romans give a call in. If you don't recall any of The Romans, its bcuz I have likely mixed them in with The Plastics but that will not be the case any longer. I am keeping specific record of who calls in when I can. Whatever, a Roman calls in and Female Boss is giddy. Female Boss' delight is soon trampled by her overwhelming need to share her sorrow and bring others down with her. Enter the Master of Analogy, the third.

"Oh, well you have no clue how depressed I have been, been.. b e e n. . ."

"It just feels like the day isn't going to end, end.. e n d . . ."

"I'm over here counting the minutes, inutes.. i n u t e s . . ." (yep, she didn't pronounce the m, you know, for effect)

After her three sentences are done I can only picture The Roman on the other end of the phone playing a sick game I like to call How Far Will You Go.. you know the one.. grab an ice pick and steadily ease it into your ear canal.. mmhmm, that's the one.. its a family favorite. Oh and worry not friends, Female Boss explains her stupidity to The Roman before the game comes to its twitchy and rather disturbing conclusion.

"Well yeah, its like an echo.. cuz you know, I am feeling isolated. Like I am in a cave or something. Isolated. Get it?"

Heh, I get more than what you think you are passing along. I get that you should be tarred and feathered. I get that you barely move the needle when it comes to being a form of intelligent life. I also get that I have never come across a more annoying person when you are trying your hardest to be witty. You're worse to watch and listen to than the Full House pilot. I can only smile, point, wink and nod up toward the heavens every time you spark that fury within me, but there is a bright side in all this.. at least you didn't reproduce.