Sensei Clause and Stories

If you didn't read last Friday's post regarding Sensei Clause, go now.

With most martial artists you have three types of personalities. Type A: the total clownass that is there for the bettering of himself which is a good thing, Type B: the guy that is just a crazy shit talker regardless if he actually is a badass or not and Type C: the guy that is Kung-Fu. Sure there are other people in the mix that don't fit these stereotypes but bottom line is no one cares about them and chances are you don't even know their name, so fuck off.

We had all these personalities as does every dojo, the bad part is our Sensei happened to be Type B. The thing is that he didn't come off this way in the beginning. Had he been Type B from the get, I woulda walked my Type C ass outta there. Sensei Clause played it smart tho, he was Type C through and through until you breached the inner circle of the dojo. Then, the truth comes out. We'll explore this by taking baby steps as is the way of Angry Time.

Sensei Clause's biggest thrill was to get with the teen class and tell them stories of his youth and/or current accolades in martial arts mania. He would thrive on impressing the kids as it truly was a good motivator. We had some pretty sharp teen students so it was likely for better than for worse. From time to time I would take a listen in on story time and it was pretty damn sick to hear some of things he did in his younger days. However, the more and more I listened and then actually rehashed these tales with HMT the more suspect they became.

The first stories were the basic. Sensei Clause ran with a gang in a big city till one day he was saved by meeting his future sensei Frankie. Then he used his new found martial arts mastery to work in the benefit of the less fortunate. He told us about how he would train, crazy stuff Frankie would make him do and so on. Nothing to raise an eyebrow at but nonetheless impressive.

Then came the crap. We aren't talking taking on groups of gang members 10 on 1, which would frankly be more believable. Let me give a detailed account of probably the most classic and fantastic tale that Sensei Clause would share. It goes a little something like this:

Being part of a gang, the gang members would do stupid things. Stunts happened to be part of Clause's entertainment arsenal. His favorite stunt to perform used to be jumping over moving cars.. jumping over cars at roughly 50-60mph..

Sidebar: Yes, you heard me, vertically leaping over cars coming at you head on. Let me remind you of my first sentence regarding the physical description of this man last Friday, I quote, "A pudding of a man on the surface, standing at about 5'5" and weighing in at 185lbs he looked more like a bowler than a martial artist."

My favorite had to have been when I obviously had a look of not only puzzlement but more of "you fucking liar" written all over my face to which he shoveled me another helping of bullshit and said, "Jumping over them at like 25-30mph was so much harder bcuz you had to stay in the air longer, you know, since the car is not passing under you as quickly.

Sidebar #2: Clause has the nerve to tell these kids that he could essentially leap vertically roughly 4 feet. Now I could dunk in high school, I am roughly 5'10" - 5'11" and I didn't have near that high of a vertical leap let alone the brain damage to want to jump over moving cars. So this was the first flag raised. By now you should know that Angry Time wouldn't waste your time with such a ridiculous story and I will not disappoint. Nay friends, it doesn't end here. Now for the stunning conclusion:

One day, while Clause was making his rounds in his home town he stumbled upon a drug deal. Clause saw fit that with his newfound morals and Kung-Fu talents it would be the ideal time to intervene. Without taking the time to strap on his Bat-Utility belt, Clause wades into his first taste of vigilante justice. They throw down, fists fly and Clause is coming out on top. Before he knows it some of the drug dealers take to a nearby limo and decide that it would be funner seeing someone run over than beaten to death. I don't know if I would agree, but to each their own.

So out comes these bloodthirsty drug dealers, driving pedal to the metal at young Sensei Clause. May I remind you they are in a limo.. yeah. Carrying on.. little do they know they are gunning at a trained car jumper, with a twist. The problem is Clause has never jumped anything so large before, he was fit to be tied. To make matters worse, they were armed with guns. Knowing they had the upper hand, one of the drug dealers is so cocky he decides to pretend he is a chariot rider and stand up in the car, torso sticking out of the sun roof with pistola in hand and ready to take aim.

So here it comes, the grill of the car is bearing down on careening straight through Clause's pelvis while at the same time bullets travel in and out of his body.. when all hope is lost, the unthinkable happens. Clause, like Icarus, takes flight. As the front of the hood is cleared in super slow motion, he chambers his right leg and decides to slam it out, side-blade kick, right into the hands of this poor, poor sap sticking out of the sun roof. The kick is perfectly placed, his goose is cooked, the gun goes flying, the drug dealer is disarmed and Clause recovers with a perfect landing to the awe of the onlookers.

There you have it. Clause saves the day and the drug infested streets of the big city... are still drug infested streets. All in all nothing was accomplished, except for the fact that one man, one day, jump kicked a gun out of another man's hand that was standing out of the sun roof of a limo charging full speed ahead and stopped a drug deal.

The story pretty much fades into nothingness at this point which is also a tell-tale sign of bullshit. Chances are this isn't the high point of insanity when it comes to Sensei Clause either. The sad part in all this is the teens look up to him enough to believe whatever he says. If anything its worth a chuckle, but Clause is more sinister than he seems. Stay tuned for shocking revelations next week!

Female Boss Shorts 3

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Scenario #1: Female Boss went to the back about 20 minutes ago while Male Boss had some company over to visit. Whether that has anything to do with anything is up in the air but I thought I would mention it. Male boss' company leaves. Several minutes later Female Boss walks in the office.

Male Boss with a carefree tone in his voice, "Did you enjoy taking a big shit?"

Female boss' face turns bright frikkin red and doesn't say a word. I guess that's a yes. :O

Scenario #2: Its been raining for the past few days. Raining hard. Probably due to the weather, work is slow. Now what does the Female Boss go do to pass the time? That's right, what any rational thinking person would do. Go outside WITH AN UMBRELLA CUZ ITS RAINING to go water the yard. She's lucky I won't hit a woman.

Scenario #3: Female Boss has another dream that she feels is worth sharing. Loss of hearing is the closest thing to my heart and interest is the furthest thing from my mind. She doesn't realize this and starts speaking anyway.

"Oh, so Northe, I had this dream last night. I was in a helicopter with a couple of people. We were flying over some meadows, I could see the golden wheat below me, it was gorgeous. It was like we were flying so low I could see everything in great detail. The stones, the insects buzzing around, everything. It was all so vivid."

She stops. I wait.

Silence. I wait.

I guess that was the end. Thanks for sharing that.. quite riveting.

There Are No Words..

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I know you guys must think that I exaggerate, stretch the truth or even flat out make stuff up. I promise you nothing that I say is beyond what happens. Ready for another example of brilliance?

Female Boss loves her greeting cards. She has a thick stack of Birthday, Christmas, Congratulatory etc.. you name it she's got it. Tons of em. The type of card she usually buys are ones with animals. She's a huge animal lover, I think you can deduce this by now by the number of pets in the investment property. The cards she happened to buy this time out are the CG (Computer Graphic) ones with dogs, that look real and I'm sure some are, posing in clothes and what not. Lots of random crap and corny lines. So yesterday, she comes back with this handful of cards.

There's one card that absolutely intrigues her. There is a classroom full of cats, dogs, ferrets, birds.. stuff like that. All of them are not paying attention to the teacher.. some have sunglasses on, some are sleeping, paper airplanes and spitballs are flying etc. Just a random scene from some '80s high school movie, except for one cat in the front that has nerd glasses on and a big smile on his face. Basically congratulating the recipient of doing well in school while everyone else goofed off. Great gag..

She hands me the card I give out a fake chuckle and hand it back.

"Really take a look at that one, it's amazing!"

I grab it, stare at it for another 5 seconds, give out a fake chuckle and hand it back.

"I mean come on, Northe, you aren't impressed with that?"

I don't say anything cuz now I realize she's about to baptize me in an aura of stupid.

"I mean, how do they do that?"

I was just about to let her know about computer programs that would make it easy for a skilled artist to create any scene they wanted to but before I could speak, "That photo has to be one in a million, all of the dogs and cats are posing perfect! And how the hell does that cat's smile look just like a human's? That's amazing... How are they all getting along and not going after each other!?"

What else can I say regarding the matter, my jaw unhinged and fell under my desk, I haven't found it yet. If anything look at these posts as self-esteem boosters. Feel better about yourself.

Conversation With An Accountant

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

In-house Accountant came in today to go over some important tax documentation. She's a swell lady, mid 50s and extremely patient. She reminds me a lot of a kindergarten teacher with her soft spoken demeanor and ability to glance over bouts of mental retardation as if they were nothing.

Its half way through the day and Accountant has some questions to ask.

"These expenses for Paluccio's, Female Boss, entertainment?"

"For what, where?" asks Female Boss.

I perk up.

"Paluccio's I guess, Paluccio's."

"I don't know what you are talking about."

"It shows expenditures there once to twice a week."

"Where? On my credit card? What?"

"Yes."

"Oh! Yeah. That's my favorite restaurant."

Personally, I have heard the name Paluccio's in this office so many fucking times since I started working here my mouth starts to water as the result of some sick Pavlovian response. Its Female Boss' favorite restaurant.. the one she raves about damn near every month to me! The one she calls her friends and family up to go and try. The same restaurant that she apparently goes to twice a fucking week and when asked she doesn't have the slightest fucking clue of what Accountant is talking about! Seriously, what the hell? What the fuck is going on in that head of hers constantly occupying every possible brain cell to not gather information efficiently!?

Unfortunately the torture doesn't stop here. Since Accountant has stirred the pot and the creative juices in Female Boss' mind have started to flow she begins to ask about tax write-offs. For most business owners this line of conversation would be normal and savvy. The best item that Female Boss thought should have been a tax write off:

"I bought a mandolin earlier this year for like $5-600 dollars. Is that work related? Can I write that off?"

... sigh..

Video in-mail Attachment

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

If I haven't mentioned before, Female Boss gets the crazy in-mails. The stupid joke ones, the pass around ones, the spam ones, the "if you send this to 10 people in 10 minutes after reading this you will become as rich as an astronaut and if you don't your appendix will explode while you're in the shower" type in-mails. By the way, I hate you fuckin people that keep sending these around the globe month after month and year after year. You truly are a virus.

This particular in-mail happens to have a streaming video attachment. Its a commercial for some tool company.

It goes something like this: A guy is using a power drill to drill thru a wall at a construction site. You see another guy in the back room that he is drilling into walk by. All of a sudden the drill goes through the wall and impales the other worker. The driller doesn't realize this and hits the trigger on the drill a few more times resulting in the guy spinning around. Showing the sheer "power" that this new power drill possesses by being able to spin an entire human being with no problem. Har har har. Right? No.

Female boss let's out a shriek, "Oh my God! That's gross!!"

At this point I haven't seen the video so I chuckle and say lemme see it. I get to see it. Female Boss is aghast. Male Boss comes in and wants to see it. Female Boss is practically pale, no joke. She has her hand over her mouth and I can see it shaking.

After watching it THREE fucking times she still doesn't understand its a commercial, she thinks its real.. what can be done to save someone like this?

Sensei Clause

By popular demand I am going to divert from the usual work day brain hemorrhage and go back into my past. Nay I say! Angry Time is not limited to mere workday stunts and madness. Angry Time has humble beginnings.. and unlike most people that talk a lot of crap about people, the Champion-King of Angry Time can back it up with pain bringing. Yes Angry Timers, Northe (speaking about myself in the third person makes me seem more godlike) knows martial arts and isn't afraid to talk about the ways, that even back then, I was cursed with idiots on professional levels.

Disclaimer:Just like the work stories, these stories are true and HMT can back up everything I say.

Enter Sensei Clause. A pudding of a man on the surface, standing at about 5'5" and weighing in at 185lbs he looked more like a bowler than a martial artist. This observation couldn't be more incorrect and before I continue let me just clarify that I am more than aware that upon discovery of this blog by Sensei Clause and discovery of where I now reside, my testicles would be ground into a fine powder in between his toes. This guy was one badass martial artist. He was not only extremely talented but, like a furious hippo, could move pretty frikkin quick when jostled.

I basically stumbled across this dojo near my university with the interest of continuing my childhood passion. No, this was not one of those institutions where most people go in and pay for colored belts and learn nothing.. I never studied Take One's Dough (Tae Kwon Do *pa-rumph!*). That's about as witty as I get guys, that's why I have to use real life to amuse people instead of jokes, sorry. So I started training with my Sensei and it was probably the best decision I made, martial arts-wise, in my life. With all good decisions comes exposure to heightened idiocy and the ability to hold back comments while in the presence of complete assholes. Call it corporate training, I don't know.

This is merely an introduction to Sensei Clause so lets start off with some quick notes that will later serve as a reference guide.

1. Sensei Clause grew up on the mean streets of a big city. He ran with gangs and took no guff. One day he met with his future sensei, Frankie. (Much more on him another time.)

2. Sensei Clause has the immune system of a komodo dragon. He gets sick next to never and when he does he refuses to take medicine.. per se. Instead, Sensei Clause's self-proclaimed snake oil is Pepsi and Doritos.

3. Sensei Clause avoids all forms of social etiquette when it comes to the workplace. He dates a student, never washes his jock strap and makes the kids class clean up after him thinly veiled as "games" when they should be training.

4. Sensei Clause enjoys playing poker.

5. Sensei Clause must be the center of attention in any situation outside of the dojo.

6. Sensei Clause suffers from an ailment that flares up and dies down at curious times.

7. Sensei Clause grand stands and tells stories to impress the teens.

8. Sensei Clause made the biggest mistake of his life making HMT and Northe assistant instructors for his dojo.

I look forward to really bringing in the reigns on this character and will probably do so once a week for the next couple months to serve as a break between the normal office asshattery. These stories won't disappoint, they made me look at life in such a different perspective and the best part is I had someone sane enough to actually share it with. When everything is said and done with this character you will not only know what a "crane beak" is, but you will know where its best applied on a foe. Enjoy the weekend!

Oh Pigfoot..

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Nothing finer than a day when someone comes into the office to pay us a friendly visit. We rarely get visitors here because 1) we are located on a different side of town than most of our clients and 2) which is more relevant, no one in their right mind wants to visit. So when we do have a visitor believe you me, its something worth mentioning. This one happens to be one of the more memorable visits.

Its about 11am and I receive a phone call from Client. Client says he wants to swing by since he's in the area. I couldn't be happier because I've never met the guy and he seems like someone I can actually relate to in this business. Turns out he's about fifty years old and has known Male and Female Boss for a good ten years. When Client pulls up the driveway the house becomes animated, as usual.

Animated? You know what it means, the dogs are going berserk, Demonseed screams at the top of his lungs and all the humans inside act like nothing is wrong. Seriously, I have no interest in trying to quell the situation and I can deal with the noise as I am not some fruitcake that gets migraines from amplified noise.. you fuckin babies. So Client lets himself into the house, noise is yet to cease, and says, "Wow, these dogs are crazy."

Female Boss comes and greets him with a kiss on the cheek. Practically yelling because of the noise, "Glad to see you could make it."

"I am regretting it," says Client with a smile on his face.

"Oh, they'll calm down soon," she screams.

I go in and introduce myself over the constant barking, I don't get to make any jokes as Female Boss is standing there the whole time. I return to my desk and get back to work since Client doesn't seem to be in a good mood anymore.

"Alright, shut up already," he yells. "Where is Male Boss?"

"He's not here yet," answers Female Boss.

Still distracted and dizzy from his entry Client asks, "Can you shut these dogs up?"

"Okay."

Female Boss gets up and unleashes The Usurper, good ol' Pigfoot. As shocking as it may seem, Pigfoot doesn't know how to act around people. Yes I know, pretty unreal considering he hasn't had any training whatsoever, is never disciplined and gets anything he wants by being an asshole. This day will be no different for Pigfoot.

Client goes to pet Pigfoot. Pigfoot gets right up into Client's face, err, shin and starts barking insanely. Female Boss watches with hands on the small of her back smiling as if watching two toddlers playing in the sand box. I'm sure her behavior is as surprising as Pigfoot's to you all. So Client sits back in his chair uneasily as Pigfoot keeps barking and making short bursting jumps towards him. Perfectly normal.. and Female Boss thinks its cute.. so why do anything?

"Oh, Pigfoot.." she says.

This goes on for, I am not shitting you, a good five minutes. The whole time I keep glancing over my shoulder to observe and the entire time Female Boss is just standing there in the same position, smiling, not saying a word. At this point, Female Boss is kinda reminding me of the crazy kid in elementary school with the crusted snot around both nostrils that enjoys pulling the legs off of any insect he catches. Its almost eerie the way she stares from a mere five feet away and does nothing.

Client can take only so much discomfort and gets up from his chair. Client is fairly tall and towers over Pigfoot, this causes Pigfoot to degenerate to low long growls. I have never seen this happen before with Pigfoot, nothing this bad. I am intrigued hoping to see more. I stop what I am doing and just turn my chair.. had I some popcorn, I'd be set.

"I think I am gonna go," yells Client still competing against the other dogs and Demonseed to stimulate our ear drums.

Female Boss grabs Pigfoot, "Okay." Female Boss smiles and just watches Client head for the door.

"Tell Male Boss I said 'hello' for me."

"Will do."

Just when I thought that was the end, the payoff unfolds. Somehow, Female Boss loses grip of Pigfoot. The house goes quiet as the dogs and Demonseed fix all eyes on Pigfoot. Client hears Pigfoot nearing and freezes in his tracks as to not insight a chase. Pigfoot goes right up to Client and starts acting very aggressive. Female Boss is so stupid she says, "He just wants to play."

"I don't think he does," says Client with a nervous chuckle and his hand on the doorknob.

Just as he gets the last word out of his lungs I hear him yell. I rush over to see what happened. Female Boss is pretending nothing happened and Client is holding his calf.

"That fucking dog bit me," exclaims Client.

Female Boss has the nerve to reply, "No, he's just playing."

Client takes his hand away and points to his calf. His slacks are ripped and he is fuckin bleeding. My sick side wants to start laughing but my professional side makes me walk back into the office before I actually do. I come out a few seconds later, surely with a huge grin on my face that I am trying to pass off as a look of shock. Female Boss says nothing more. Client stares at her for a moment longer and just walks out the door. Female Boss waits for his car to go back down the driveway before she enters panic mode. She bolts to the office and calls up her insurance company.

The conversation went something like this:

"Hi, I just had a visitor at my house and somehow he incited my dog to bite him. Am I liable?"

My jaw practically splits my desk in half from the force of it dropping.

"Uh huh. Oh. Well I don't see why. Pigfoot was wagging his tail the whole time."

Finally comeuppence.

"Oh. So, if he decides to sue we are screwed then? Ok.. well, thank you."

For the better, Client never did sue and still is one of our best clients to date. Every now and then when he calls and he hears the dogs barking he makes a comment to me about the day Pigfoot laid down the law. Fortunately, Client has a good sense of humor. As for Female Boss, apparently she wrote the book on how to demonstrate grace under pressure.

Female Boss Shorts 2

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Scenario #1: The dogs and Demonseed are going bananas cuz someone is in the house. Barking like mad and loud squawking.. totally typical, right? Well, how do we deal with this? NO! Not training or discipline you idiots! Instead, do what Female Boss does:

"Is that a kitty outside? Doggies do you see the kitty outside?"

The cliff hanger we're awaiting is if this phrase can outsmart the dogs and stop them from barking. The bonus question is are the dogs even smart enough to know that Female Boss is talking to them let alone what she is even trying to communicate. Take some time to yourselves.

Scenario #2: Its garage sale time! It's a week before the big day and Female Boss has to put signs up around the neighborhood to let the world know. Making this a team effort I design some fliers using Photoshop. Female Boss is thrilled and I got paid to actually do something that was rather enjoyable for a change. Everybody wins!

Application: The next morning.

"Did you see the signs on the way here?" asks Female Boss.

Now, I must confess, being a male and being that it was the morning, I am not a very observant individual. Furthermore, being Champion-King of Angry Time the last thing on my mind is what is on other's people's mind. In short, rarely do I give a shit. I don't think I need to explain further.

"No, I didn't notice, but I wasn't looking for them either," I say.

"Oh okay, well I put them up everywhere and was wondering if they were still up. I thought that it would be overkill using staples so I just used scotch tape instead."

Scotch tape.. on telephone polls.. telephone polls that have been exposed to the elements for decades.. telephone polls that are filthy dirty and getting anything aside from krazy glue to adhere to them is next to impossible. As I am leaving work I see a few of my fliers in the gutter and one flier holding on with its last ounce of strength blowing in the breeze, face side down. Surprisingly the garage sale wasn't a big success. Go figure.

Scenario #3: I'm getting ready to leave work. I do the usual run of the mill with Female Boss, talk about what we are going to do for the evening and if we are having something worth mentioning for dinner. Whatever. Nothing special, just formalities. So as I am headed to the door, her final question to me before she went to the backyard to garden was, "Northe, do you want any vitamins?"

Then she walked out.

What if I did? Then what!? You fuckin' left you fuckin nut!

Rise of the Demonseed

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I am getting a lot of questions as to why I have yet to really touch on the African Gray, Demonseed. Now I am no authority on birds, even less of that concerning African Grays but why anyone wants these animals as pets is beyond me. They are decent size birds, Demonseed is particularly brilliant as well, and to put them in cages is pretty wrong. If fowls are to be put in cages they need to be producing eggs or preparing to embark on a journey that involves some sort of deep frier, right PETA? Yeah!

This here Demonseed is a curious little shit. He is really smart, as I mentioned, mostly because he seems to take quite kindly to me. Over the course of working here I have established a relationship with Demonseed and am now able to reach into the cage and pet him. Insane considering the absolute freak behavior this bird displays most of the time. Maybe secretly I am wishing for a proper maiming, who knows.

The finest example of how insane this bird is how some days I can walk into the office and have him singing me sweet love songs and other days he won't stop screaming at the sight of me, it does wonders for my self-esteem lemme tell ya. Most days, now anyway, Demonseed will give me a hearty "Good morning." Yes, Demonseed can talk, its the greatest.. more on that another time.

So as I am grooming Demonseed, during office downtime to actually treat me with respect, Female Boss walks in and sees me actually petting him. Female Boss is quite jealous as she states, "There is no way I can get my hand close to that bird."

I find this odd as it is her bird. Oh well, I continue to speak to the bird and pet him daily. A week or so passes by and Demonseed is quite taken by my body massages. Female Boss refuses to be upstaged and starts competing for the attention. Demonseed starts singing to Female Boss with cute whistling. Demonseed, by coincidence or not, somehow knows how to bat his eyes when he is being sweet. Its pretty hilarious how big of a ham he is.

At this point Female Boss is totally making me look like a chump and captures Demonseed's complete attention. Female Boss pushes her luck to the limit and reaches into the cage to pet Demonseed. So picture this, the bird singing while Female Boss reaches in to the cage. Demonseed is cunning enough to give Female Boss the illusion of trust long enough to the point where her hand is half way in. In a blink of an eye, Demonseed strikes at the sweet, sweet flesh of Female Boss' fingers. Female Boss lurches back but it is too late.

The task has been complete. A chunk of flesh the size of an average pinky nail dangles from the side of her middle finger. Demonseed just stares innocently at the result. I am in complete shock, I have never seen a bird move so fast let alone attack someone standing right next to me. Female Boss' finger starts streaming blood like a leaky faucet. She is standing there paralyzed so I rush to the kitchen and grab a wad of paper towels. She holds them against her hand and still hasn't said a word. Then, as if it was straight out of a movie script suggesting a hint of psychotic tendencies beyond the gentle demeanor, Demonseed starts singing again, just as he was before he bit the hell out of Female Boss.

"You piece of shit," says Female Boss as she heads for the kitchen to wash out her wound.

I'm thinking to myself, maybe you shoulda stuck by your first statement.

So there I stand, staring at this fucked up beast in front of me and he looks back with a glint in his eye while he sings. This is one evil, possessed mother fucker. He's smart and alluring. He knows his shit. I respect him and see him time and time again earn his rightful title of, the Demonseed.

Female Boss Shorts

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

These are some stories from a while back but nevertheless worthy of making anyone's blood pressure rise with the stupidity demonstrated by Female Boss. I apologize in advance because they are not particularly funny. I just need a means to vent these short stories and let you partake in the nonsense I deal with everyday.

Scenario #1: Female Boss was talking to her 9 year old niece. Female Boss asks, "What are you doing for St. Patrick's Day?" First thing is why would anyone ask a nine year old what their plans are for a day that primarily involves the consumption of all too much alcohol is beyond me, but that just puts the pig anus scraps in the hot dog.

Niece replies, "Thank you." Obviously she didn't hear Female Boss' question or wanted to chew on a light bulb that was soaked overnight in a toilet, choose your own adventure.

Application: Female Boss calls her friend after her conversation with her niece. She tells her Friend, "Ask me what I am doing for St. Patrick's Day."

Friend does. Female Boss responds, "Thank you."

Female Boss starts to laugh for quite some time. In the middle of her laughter Female Boss explains where that came from. She hangs up about one minute after finishing her anecdote. As she hangs up Female Boss mutters, "I thought it was funny."

Clearly Friend was unamused by her antics.

Scenario #2: Female Boss was talking to her 9 year old niece, again. The niece has recently discovered some interest in the internet and is trying to get Female Boss to visit a website that she enjoys. During this process Female Boss can't see something on the website and lets the niece know.

Niece says, "Try to refresh."

Female Boss comes back with, "I don't need deodorant."

I would imagine the little girl says it two more times as Female Boss repeats her ingenious line two more times. Then, Female Boss explains to her niece that, "I don't need to refresh cuz I took a shower and put on deodorant today." Pa-rumph.

Scenario #3: I am pretty sure that I mentioned before that Female Boss is very dream oriented. I know I have failed to really illustrate this so let's start now.

Female Boss comes into the office, late as usual, with a shopping bag from the local mall in hand. Without even saying hello to me, she starts, "I had the weirdest dream last night."

This usually translates into, "Had I not stolen your scissors from your desk, again, now would probably be a great time for you to plunge them into your urethra rather than listen to this bout of crap I am about to spew."

Female Boss continues, "For some reason everyone was telling me in the dream that it was August. Then I told them, no its not August, its October. All of a sudden everyone gravitated towards me like a deity and started questioning me.

'How did you know? How did you know?' they asked me."

I tried.. but I was unable to swallow my tongue..

Female Boss finishes with, "I think this dream is a direct reflection about how intuitive I am and how hard I have been working on my psychic powers."

Psychic powers? Is she fuckin serious? Intuitive? I bet she doesn't even know what that means. If my monitor wasn't so expensive I would have no problem slamming my head right thru it.

Pay Attention, Padre!

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I had to come into work early today due to our work load and the fact that both Male Boss and Female Boss have early morning appointments with clients. Sleepily I lumber into the office and slump down on my desk until I have a reason to pretend to be coherent and working. Time passes and I hear Padre shuffle into the kitchen and put on a pot of coffee. I straighten my back and begin to pretend like I am a busy bee. He goes to and fro from the cupboards to the fridge collecting his morning meal. Turns out Padre is a quick study when it comes to breakfast and is no longer relying on Female Boss to prepare him breakfast.

"Yes, Puppy yes. Good girl," I hear Padre commenting to Puppy that seems to be shadowing his every move.

"Ha ha ha, yes The One, good boy," sounds like Padre is having a ball.

Female Boss is nearing as all of a sudden The One's attention is turned to intense crying. Not more than a few seconds later do I hear Female Boss enter the living room.

"Oh shit, Padre! Get the hell out!"

"What say?" questions Padre.

"Somebody has the runs!"

"The what?"

"The runs! Somebody has the runs! Get out!"

"Oh for the love of Pete!" snaps Padre.

I get up to survey the disaster. Essentially the kitchen floor looks like a two year old took a gallon of brown paint and smeared it everywhere. I guess one of the dogs opened the sluice box earlier in the morning and poor Padre never saw it. His pajama bottoms stirred it all up and smeared it everywhere possible. Poor Padre's white striped pajama bottoms are completely sopping wet and have brown paw marks all around up to his knees. So foul.

Now We're Talkin!

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

These are the reasons I love working here. I knew this clown would pay off bigtime for the blog. Oh and by the way, by no genius of my own, I have decided to start calling Priest, Padre. Shall we?

I get into work and I see Padre walking around in circles in the backyard for some morning exercise, I imagine. Its nothing special, a 20x60 lawn where logically the dogs could stay but don't. That's neither here nor there. So he's outside with The One, Pigfoot and Puppy. As I walk through the house I notice Padre has stopped walking around and I can hear him muffled through the sliding glass door making some sort of attempt to communicate with those of us within. Knowing better than to diffuse the situation myself I walk on by and observe from the quiet of the office. Plus Male Boss is sitting there not giving a shit either.

Seconds after I sit down, I hear Padre let out a muffled yell. It sounds like "Help" but I can't even think back to it as my mind is doing its best controlling my body from hurling itself off the chair and laughing out loud. Male Boss gets up from his couch and heeds the call of Padre.

"What the fuck!?" says Male Boss heading towards the sliding glass door.

"What the fuck, Puppy is raping you Padre?" he asks thru the sliding glass door.

Sidebar: Male Boss uses the word "rape" to describe any instance of what most people would recognize as bothering.

I lean back in my seat to get a better view. Male Boss tries to open the sliding glass door. No dice. Male Boss starts jerking the door forcefully. What has happened is the sliding glass door has locked itself, its an old door and tends to do that when closed with force. Padre must have done this upon his exit.

Male Boss, rather than unlocking the door starts to panic, "Fuck! Female Boss, the glasses is shut! Help! Padre is being raped!"

I can't remember if I started laughing at this point or if what happened next caused me to lose it.

Female Boss comes rushing in, "For Christ's sake Male Boss, stop using your degenerate language around Padre. Have you lost your mind?"

Ignoring the fact that the door needs to be unlocked, Male Boss continues, "The fucking Puppy! Stupid whore is raping him, get her the fuck outta there!"

Both Male Boss and Female Boss are standing there doing absolutely nothing for what seems like an eternity. The sliding glass door is still closed and locked. Neither have tried to open it still.

"Padre! Kick her in the nose, get her the fuck off! Get her out!" screams Male Boss thru the sliding glass door.

I hear Padre scream muffled again, "Help!"

Around this time my supply of air is dangerously low in my body as I can no longer take in breaths, only expel carbon dioxide in the form of howling laughter. Tears are streaming down my face. Finally, I hear the sliding door click unlocked and open.

"You whore! You son of a bitch, mother fucker! Get the fuck off of him!" yells Male Boss as he runs outside to chase Puppy away from Padre.

"Jesus Christ would you get the hell outta here.. god damn it, you idiot!" screams Female Boss at Male Boss.

"What the fuck? Stupid fucking dog and you yell on me!?"

"Shut the fuck up and get Padre some ice for his finger."

Turns out Puppy clamped on ol' Padre's finger, per the norm, and let loose a little blood. Once things cool down and Padre's heartbeat is regulated he explains his plight from the safety of the kitchen.

"Well once Puppy latched on to my finger, Pigfoot and The One kept jumping on her back and I couldn't shake her free at all. I didn't know what to do so I called for help."

As if this wasn't good enough to end the story, Male Boss interjects with, "Your dogs have a problem Female Boss, Pigfoot and The One are sodomites and I can't take it anymore!"

Such language and disregard for all that is holy.. all in front of the Padre. Its awesome.

Male Boss-isms

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Yes, indeed. Just like Female Boss has mutterings. Male Boss has some classic moments credited to him in the annals of history of the English Language. Here are a couple of his more popular quotes.

First Scenario:
Male Boss is in a huge heated argument last Thanksgiving, just after the holiday weekend, with a Client. They are cussing back and forth non-stop. Now Male Boss is pretty frikkin savvy when it comes to obliterating someone with bad words. However, since his opponent is either just as good or it isn't phasing him he decides to embark on the tragic path of using wit to win the argument.

"Fuck you, you are an asshole," yells Male Boss for the 15th time.

Time passes, Male Boss is fuming.

"Oh yeah! Well it sounds to me like you had too much turkey over the weekend!"

Boom! He hangs up the phone with a slam.

I start dying laughing.

"I got him pretty good, right?" asks Male Boss looking for praise.

I am laughing so hard I can't even correct him or tell him how stupid that accusation really is.

Second scenario:
Another heated situation. Male Boss is at his wit's end with a Client that gave him the wrong address to see a different Client. Male Boss called me about 3 or 4 times while out in the field trying to get me to help him find an address. After quite some time of failing to find the individual's location, the lady he is looking for calls and tells him to just forget it, she will get around town via other means. Male Boss is pissed.

Male Boss comes back to the office and makes a bee line to the phone to call the primary Client.

"What the fuck, you gave the wrong address to me and I wasn't finding the lady at where she was at."

I perk up bcuz when its gibberish time, its Angry Time.

Correcting whatever crap Client flung back at, Male Boss responds with, "No, no, you had me fucking up the wrong way. Then she calls and tells me to go fuck myself."

"The bottom lane (yes, I didn't mispell 'line') is that the fucking address was wrong and I had my head cut off by the rooster."

Something tells me that's not the phrase he was fishing for.

Third Scenario:
I am talking to a Client that absolutely adores us. I have been talking to him on the phone for about 5 minutes just soaking in the praises about how great we are to do business with. I let Male Boss know that Client is on the line for him.

Now I have heard him say this many times to clients and I never ever correct him cuz its just too hilarious.

Male Boss picks up the phone, "Talk to you!" he says.

A couple seconds of listening, "Yes buddy, talk to you!"

The conversation goes beyond the first awkward moments and they discuss whatever. Nothing left to report. Now if you don't know what Male Boss is trying to say, when he says "Talk to you" think about it for a second. Give up? He is trying to do the '80s cool guy phone line of, "Talk to me."

Exercise in Irrelevancy

Not posting the usual link to Day One of the blog simply bcuz Angry Time knows no bounds and as the Champion-King of Angry Time I reserve the right to speak about whatever the fuck turns a possible good time into an Angry Time. This post will not follow the ongoing saga of the Workplace but rather a rant on idiocy and the common man. The idiots we are surrounded by on a daily basis that are an asshair's width away from being dismembered by me at any given time.

Enter the AYSO. The feel good, no score keeping, all-volunteer hugfest that makes soccer look like a sport for sissies. That's right, everybody wins, hugs all around.. anything possible thrown into the mix to be the polar opposite of what real life and competitive sports is about. You know what tho, that's not what pisses me off about the organization bcuz no matter how much trash I can talk about the league, at least it makes playing soccer possible in my local area.. though marginal it may be.

So Opening Day was this weekend. Yes, kids get the Opening Day to celebrate the first games of the season and to march around with their coaches and newly made banners. Lets start with what awards AYSO with their first golden star of idiocy.. the timing. The kids were told show up for Opening Day ceremonies at the unholy hour of 7am on a Saturday. I ask you Angry Timers, who the fuck wants to wake up and wake their zombie of a child up at 6am on Saturday then be forced to feign interest at something that is so preposterously boring I was literally boo-ing during speakers? Those that put together AYSO do.

So I arrive ahead of schedule with my star soccer player at 6:45am. I can see my breath in front of my face and no sign of the sun cresting over the horizon. Hell of a way to start off the day. Upon entering the stadium where the ceremony was to be held we see a bunch of idiots scrambling around passing out bright neon yellow fliers. I take a flier and realize this is the 3rd time I have received the exact same flier since practice started 2 weeks ago, earning AYSO their 2nd gold star of idiocy right off the bat.

After a scan of the field, Coach has not shown up yet, nor have any other players on our team. An hour flies by as my star soccer player and I sit in the stands pointing and laughing at the keystone cops that are setting up the podium, speakers and refreshment tents. An hour. Still no coach. Way to go Northe, timeliness is punished here for it is not the real world.

We are now staring at 8:30 and we have been grumbling to the comic stylings of some AYSO mouthpiece trying to rally the parents. He's actually doing a great job entertaining the masses as the G-Rated version ofBob Saget humor seems to be the standard comedy fare for these idiots. Golden star of idiocy number three earned. I have said, to gauge reaction several times now, "What say we go grab some breakfast, this appears to be a waste of time." Unfortunately, my star soccer player still has the gumption to stick it out and see her friends from years past and actually be there for the team. Sweet, sweet innocence. I can't complain, it shows that I have done a good job instilling dedication into her.

A quarter to nine rolls around and finally Coach makes her appearance. I send off my star soccer player to go meet up with her team. Turns out they all met up across the street at the local pricey hot bean water establishment (read as: Starbucks) without informing me. Turns out men are not a gender favorite among the local soccer moms on our team, so informing me would have only shown their weakness in the presence of my star soccer player. Those ticking packages they will be receiving in the mail next week are from me.

Shortly thereafter, the muppet parade of irrelevancy ensues as speaker after speaker from AYSO steps up to the podium thanking everyone involved for making this season possible. All the chairman, spokesholes, heads of.. all the titles that you can think of. All of them, earn golden star of idiocy number four by, chuckling it up with inside jokes and making sure that everyone realizes how difficult the last month of preparation for the season was. Yes, the entire season that falls on the back of the parents (the volunteers that make AYSO work) and the AYSO answering machine that will do its best to collect all concerns from parents without returning a phone call. Well done you incompetent self-righteous assholes.

Now the fifth and final gold star of idiocy was awarded by special guest speakers. Socialist asshole people from the local city government came out to not speak about soccer and AYSO, but to stand on the soap box and talk about how much good THEY do for the community. As each one was introduced, knowing them by the patent retardation they have displayed in office, I stand up and boo over the clapping herd of caffeine-induced parents. One lady keeps giving me the stinkeye. Northe takes no guff Angry Timers.

I turn to her, look her in the eyes and say, "What?"

The conversation stopped there, way to stick up for what you believe in, whore.

So the last ten minutes consisted of the teams marching around the track field, showing off their banners and nothing more. A good three hours of my life for 10 minutes of what I thought was more important than anything on display that day. What is really worthy of a lead pipe beat down is that opening day has nothing to do with the kids, it has to do with back-patting, firm handshakes, reach-arounds and over the shoulder chuckling while facing a seated panel of moronic colleagues.

All in all, I must say my outbursts at the guest speakers and my star soccer player's sense of humor in the face of incompetence made it a good time. Though, in the end, I must tell you all, we vowed to not come here for Opening Day ever again. Time to go punch granite.

Come back tomorrow for regular scheduled programming.

Such Potential

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Wow. That's all I can say right now. Wow. The next couple weeks are going to be awesome. When I was leaving work last night I heard Female Boss speaking to what I thought was a friend of hers and that he was going to be staying here, at the investment property, for a little while. There is always good times ahead because adding an unknown flammable liquid to an already volatile molotov cocktail makes for unexpected results; similar to the norm but compounding that unknown sense of instability. Being here a mere 30 minutes thus far today, I bumped into a grand piece of information and a foreshadowing to how great it will be to have this visitor here at the office.

As usual, I am getting a bit ahead of myself. Turns out this person is not on his way, in fact, he showed up last night and I am greeted by him when I am coming into the house. Female Boss is in the kitchen pretending that she cooks. She never does. She couldn't make a sandwich. Instead of heading for the office I poke around in the kitchen to grab myself a bottle of water. I spy a pile of gray, yes gray, eggs in a frying pan sitting in about a quarter inch of oil. I take it that is breakfast, poor fellow didn't know what he got himself into. I wonder what he will do for breakfast tomorrow.. or later on today for that matter..

Female Boss introduces me to the visitor. Turns out he is a priest. This was probably the best news I have heard in months. I offer a huge smile and a firm handshake. Priest is more than happy to meet my acquaintance as he has heard "such good things" about me. Just as I finish shaking his hand Female Boss drops down his plate of revulsion aka breakfast. I am sure his free spirited happiness will be sapped soon enough. Starting off with that coagulated diarrhea thinly veiled as scrambled eggs might even make Nic Cage squeamish. I leave the scene without wiping the grin off my face, I'm almost giddy.

As if on queue, Male Boss comes walking in from the front door.

"Good morning Female Boss," he sings.

"Oh god," she comments. "Oh excuse me," she follows up in the presence of Priest.

"Good morning Father. I see that Female Boss makes you the breakfast. She is a very good cook. Where is mine?"

"I didn't make you any."

"How dare you!" shouts Male Boss.

I hear some rustling in the silverware drawer. Being blind to the scene its almost as if the yells from the kitchen painted the picture of exactly what was beginning to transpire.

"What the hell are you doing?" cries Female Boss.

"Shut the fuck up, I am hungry, I just want a taste," fires back Male Boss.

"Oh," I hear Priest say with a startled tone.

"Holy shit, who the fuck do you think you are!?" screams Female Boss.

"The Priest doesn't mind, you gave him a pile of eggs and they taste like shit anyway," says Male Boss. Followed by a sound of a paper towel being ripped at the perforation and Male Boss' muffled gag. Absolute perfection doesn't nearly describe this morning well enough.

So Male Boss not only incites anger to the point of screaming at just past 8am but manages to gaffle Priest for a fork-full of his eggs. The eggs are horrid and he gags them into a wadded up paper towel in front of everyone! Someone from above is shining on Angry Time. This is gonna be a great month.

Logical Question

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I think its high time to let you folks in on another piece of the puzzle that makes Female Boss tick. She is extremely dream oriented. So dream oriented that this only took place this morning and she has already decided to share. With how ridiculous the whole thing is I couldn't help but write it up while it was still fresh in my mind. Here goes.

Start up the big band music! The Professional walks into the office with a sharp suit on ready to pick up some paperwork and hit the town. I know he's planning on having a good day because he is all smiles. First thing, he comes toward me, unbuttons the middle button on his coat as to not stress the threads, and lunges forward with a stretch to shake my hand.

"Today is a fantastic day Northe and I am super excited." The happier he is the wider his eyes get and the more pronounced his accent is. He continues, "I have to take some big tits to downtown and show them a place or two. Then I get to clean off the sweaty big ones with my handkerchief."

I just laugh bcuz there is very little that can even be said that already hasn't been.

Male Boss and The Professional shoot the breeze for a bit, I turn my attention back toward my work. Female Boss wanders in. She doesn't say anything at first besides "hello."

"Well, my friend, I am off." The Professional shakes my hand and smooths down his coat with one hand.

"How's your neck?" asks Female Boss to The Professional.

"Pardon me, my dear?" counters The Professional.

"Is your neck feeling better?" she asks again.

"I am sorry but I don't know what you are talking about."

"Darn it, I had a dream you hurt your neck reaching for a trophy on a bookcase, I was hoping it was a psychic connect."

The Professional turns his head and stares at me for 3 seconds making direct eye contact with me sporting a blank look on his face. No emotions are shown, just a simple escape to who, I think he thinks, is the only sane person in the office. My insides have collapsed in on themselves holding in laughter, as I know he could offer her some choice words but is too much of a gentleman to explain how stupid she is for bringing a dream situation into reality. The Professional doesn't address her any further, instead goes out the back door to avoid any further discourse with her.

"Ba-bye," he yells as he heads out.

So seriously, has anyone ever had this happen. Where someone tries to interject a dream as if it was real out of the blue? Its frikkin mind boggling to the point of wrist slitting. I mean is this not a neurosis? The Professional thinks so and I side with him.

He's just lookin' out for Pigfoot..

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

With such great response, via phone, fax, *ahem* in-mail and satellite uplink from overseas, from this post I have decided to start making Friday the disturbing story day. So here goes.

Typical morning scenario. Male Boss, Female Boss and I are in the office. Everyone is handling their business and the phones are thankfully quiet. The One is going bananas because he is fifteen feet away from Female Boss and not being paid attention to. Soon enough all the dogs are copying what The One is doing. Female boss reacts in any number of ways that include: completely ignoring them, smacking the dictionary on the desk, yelling "STOP IT!" or succumbing to their calls and rewarding their bad behavior with treats. I wonder why this behavior continues...

This happens to be a time where Female Boss is pulling her hair out in frustration with the insanely loud yiping and yelping going on. Instead of handling it herself, she makes Male Boss the point man to resolve the situation. Angry Time faithfuls, shake your heads now. Clearly this is a critical error on the part of Female Boss as Male Boss.. well, read any post about Male Boss and I can say no more..

Male Boss approaches the doggy barrier and leans over to grab one of the dogs. He is there lingering there. Not much noise is coming from his general direction which sets off Female Boss' radar. Male Boss was there for about 2 minutes before Female Boss realizes this.

"What the hell are you doing?" asks Female Boss with a tinge of anger already in her voice.

"Just helping out Pigfoot," he says laughing.

"What? What the hell are you doing!?" Female Boss goes over to take a gander.

Again, Male Boss is bent over the doggy barrier at the waist and both of his hands are outstretched.

"Holy shit, you fucking pervert!" screams Female Boss. "Stop it! Get the fuck away! Get the fuck away from them you sick bastard!"

Male Boss is dying laughing, he crashes to his knees he is laughing so hard. I can only imagine and unfortunately my imagination is right on the money.

"I am just trying to help Pigfoot get some ass, what the fuck is wrong with you?" asks Male Boss with a big smirk on his face.

Female Boss is pissed.

So the story concludes, Male Boss was holding Puppy in place while Pigfoot was trying to go to town on her. Unbelievable.

**********

Off topic: Take the time if you haven't yet. Its our duty as fellow Americans to take care of the well-being of our friends, families and neighbors. People are suffering insanely out there and I will spare you a lecture but I hope that you find the time and put aside anything from drinking money to sushi money and put it towards something that matters more than our instant gratification. Be thankful for what you have guys. Have a great holiday weekend.

"in-mail"

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

As mentioned in this post Male Boss isn't the most technologically adept business owner on the planet. There is not a need to be skilled at using a computer in our line of work but he refuses to use one to the point of competency in even its most bare minimum tasks. This is why it is usually not a good idea to let Male Boss near one, let alone, write proposal letters on one given his shoddy english, grammar, spelling and use of words in general.

Recently we had a falling out with a very big client of ours and are in the process of repairing this relationship. Male Boss, after hours the other day, decided to write a letter to bridge this gap. In his moment of glory he also decided to fax it without letting someone proofread his work. Now if you are a loyal Angry Time reader you know how catastrophic this can be based on the very little that I have shared up to this point.. which I am proud to report the outcome is consistent with what you do know already.

Of course we didn't know that Male Boss had faxed over the letter until this morning. Indeed, the evidence was in front of us, Male Boss had printed and fired out this fax to Kate, the head honcho, at this company before either Female Boss or I arrived at the office.. likely a good 15-20 minutes before us and had left shortly after. The phone rang, I picked it up and a woman was on the line, apparently Kate, giggling but also questioning the state of mind that Male Boss is in. She kind of eluded to drug use but I am pretty sure it was tongue in cheek. Female Boss picks up the phone, once I pass it to her, and turns red. Male Boss has still not returned to the office at this point.

Apparently, Male Boss refers to e-mail as "in-mail" throughout the letter bragging about how we are "inlines" and "onlines" (read as: online - take your spelling pick because he used either/or consistently throughout the letter) ready and capable. That our "sofistikated" (sophisticated) office can handle any and "al" (all) of their "neds" (needs) as a "commpanie" (company).

He closes the letter by letting them know that we can not only be reached via phone but via "in-mail" as well. Our company name is in this "in-mail" address to which he misspelled in the letter.. twice.. two different ways. Our own company name! Then, instead of using the @ sign he spelled out "at", used spaces and used a : instead of a . for .com

Basically, "OurCompany at yahoo:com" is the way it looked.

When Male Boss finally gets back to the office, Female Boss is going ballistic. They are screaming all over the place and he still has no idea what he has done wrong. Male Boss uses the phrase "I did not understands" about twelve times as Female Boss tries to explain how to spell e-mail.

Eventually they cool down and Male Boss is laughing his ass off about what he did. Female Boss is still pissed off and points out the way he spelled "sofistikated." He says that he didn't know about "ph" sounding like an "f". Male Boss goes on defending the way he spelled "sophisticated" by saying he used a "k" instead of a "c" like the girl's name Kate to whom he was writing to in the first place.

"Oh yeah?" says Female Boss, "Then why did you spell Kate's name C - A - Y - T - E?"

Checkmate.