Oh Pigfoot..

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Nothing finer than a day when someone comes into the office to pay us a friendly visit. We rarely get visitors here because 1) we are located on a different side of town than most of our clients and 2) which is more relevant, no one in their right mind wants to visit. So when we do have a visitor believe you me, its something worth mentioning. This one happens to be one of the more memorable visits.

Its about 11am and I receive a phone call from Client. Client says he wants to swing by since he's in the area. I couldn't be happier because I've never met the guy and he seems like someone I can actually relate to in this business. Turns out he's about fifty years old and has known Male and Female Boss for a good ten years. When Client pulls up the driveway the house becomes animated, as usual.

Animated? You know what it means, the dogs are going berserk, Demonseed screams at the top of his lungs and all the humans inside act like nothing is wrong. Seriously, I have no interest in trying to quell the situation and I can deal with the noise as I am not some fruitcake that gets migraines from amplified noise.. you fuckin babies. So Client lets himself into the house, noise is yet to cease, and says, "Wow, these dogs are crazy."

Female Boss comes and greets him with a kiss on the cheek. Practically yelling because of the noise, "Glad to see you could make it."

"I am regretting it," says Client with a smile on his face.

"Oh, they'll calm down soon," she screams.

I go in and introduce myself over the constant barking, I don't get to make any jokes as Female Boss is standing there the whole time. I return to my desk and get back to work since Client doesn't seem to be in a good mood anymore.

"Alright, shut up already," he yells. "Where is Male Boss?"

"He's not here yet," answers Female Boss.

Still distracted and dizzy from his entry Client asks, "Can you shut these dogs up?"

"Okay."

Female Boss gets up and unleashes The Usurper, good ol' Pigfoot. As shocking as it may seem, Pigfoot doesn't know how to act around people. Yes I know, pretty unreal considering he hasn't had any training whatsoever, is never disciplined and gets anything he wants by being an asshole. This day will be no different for Pigfoot.

Client goes to pet Pigfoot. Pigfoot gets right up into Client's face, err, shin and starts barking insanely. Female Boss watches with hands on the small of her back smiling as if watching two toddlers playing in the sand box. I'm sure her behavior is as surprising as Pigfoot's to you all. So Client sits back in his chair uneasily as Pigfoot keeps barking and making short bursting jumps towards him. Perfectly normal.. and Female Boss thinks its cute.. so why do anything?

"Oh, Pigfoot.." she says.

This goes on for, I am not shitting you, a good five minutes. The whole time I keep glancing over my shoulder to observe and the entire time Female Boss is just standing there in the same position, smiling, not saying a word. At this point, Female Boss is kinda reminding me of the crazy kid in elementary school with the crusted snot around both nostrils that enjoys pulling the legs off of any insect he catches. Its almost eerie the way she stares from a mere five feet away and does nothing.

Client can take only so much discomfort and gets up from his chair. Client is fairly tall and towers over Pigfoot, this causes Pigfoot to degenerate to low long growls. I have never seen this happen before with Pigfoot, nothing this bad. I am intrigued hoping to see more. I stop what I am doing and just turn my chair.. had I some popcorn, I'd be set.

"I think I am gonna go," yells Client still competing against the other dogs and Demonseed to stimulate our ear drums.

Female Boss grabs Pigfoot, "Okay." Female Boss smiles and just watches Client head for the door.

"Tell Male Boss I said 'hello' for me."

"Will do."

Just when I thought that was the end, the payoff unfolds. Somehow, Female Boss loses grip of Pigfoot. The house goes quiet as the dogs and Demonseed fix all eyes on Pigfoot. Client hears Pigfoot nearing and freezes in his tracks as to not insight a chase. Pigfoot goes right up to Client and starts acting very aggressive. Female Boss is so stupid she says, "He just wants to play."

"I don't think he does," says Client with a nervous chuckle and his hand on the doorknob.

Just as he gets the last word out of his lungs I hear him yell. I rush over to see what happened. Female Boss is pretending nothing happened and Client is holding his calf.

"That fucking dog bit me," exclaims Client.

Female Boss has the nerve to reply, "No, he's just playing."

Client takes his hand away and points to his calf. His slacks are ripped and he is fuckin bleeding. My sick side wants to start laughing but my professional side makes me walk back into the office before I actually do. I come out a few seconds later, surely with a huge grin on my face that I am trying to pass off as a look of shock. Female Boss says nothing more. Client stares at her for a moment longer and just walks out the door. Female Boss waits for his car to go back down the driveway before she enters panic mode. She bolts to the office and calls up her insurance company.

The conversation went something like this:

"Hi, I just had a visitor at my house and somehow he incited my dog to bite him. Am I liable?"

My jaw practically splits my desk in half from the force of it dropping.

"Uh huh. Oh. Well I don't see why. Pigfoot was wagging his tail the whole time."

Finally comeuppence.

"Oh. So, if he decides to sue we are screwed then? Ok.. well, thank you."

For the better, Client never did sue and still is one of our best clients to date. Every now and then when he calls and he hears the dogs barking he makes a comment to me about the day Pigfoot laid down the law. Fortunately, Client has a good sense of humor. As for Female Boss, apparently she wrote the book on how to demonstrate grace under pressure.