"It'll be fine."

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I haven't really touched on my rise to power in the office place. Essentially, when I was hired, there were a number of individuals doing what I did for a living. Red flag right away. Why? Come now, I don't take kindly to equals and/or lessers that are of inferior intellect, work ethic or my Brahman standing in life.. especially when they don't write my checks or pay my bills. In the end, I cannibalized my entire office and took on the workload of quite a few other people in the hope that I would make it up in salary. Sure, I make a decent salary now, but I am definitely cheaper for the company than paying each single person. The upside for me is that I am the only employee, win-win in my opinion. Don't fuck with Northe is the underlying message. Let's explore.

About a year ago, when we became super busy for a short period of time. Male Boss wanted to hire me an assistant. I was pretty insulted but at the same time wasn't enjoying the 50+ hour work weeks either. The overtime was cool but feeling like I lived at work took a toll on me. The add goes into the local papers and we get some resumes faxed over. Most are just hilarious, I mean really, instead of work experience they would list their grandparents as contacts. Crazy shit like that, definitely fun reading, had I this blog back then I would have scanned and posted em.

Then along comes Phlebotomist. Turns out, they hired this daisy over the weekend. Imagine my surprise when my workplace has a foreign intruder when I come in on Monday. I was definitely pissed bcuz I can read people pretty well and this guy was no Nic Cage. At best he was this guy. Now don't get me wrong, Jackson was great in Bloodsport but lets face facts here, when you lose in the Kumite you're just another terd in the bowl.

First off, I don't like working with other people, if you haven't noticed I am not what you would call a "people person".. shocking I know. Second, I cannibalized my former co-workers bcuz I want to maximize my earning potential. Third, on the first day, during lunch break, he starts confessing personal problems to me. Lastly, I handle shit the way I want it to be handled and there is little room for questions from asshats like this joker.

Phlebotomist is not only very unreliable but he has a wife that would make anyone want to lay siege to the institution of marriage with feces-hurling onagers. This being one of his biggest personal problems he has decided to share with me, one of them. Bitch, a term I only use when absolutely appropriate, calls him non-stop on his cell phone and during the most inopportune times. After the third day of being on the job and literally the 6th call of the day from his wife, as he is in a verbal fisticuffs with her, Female Boss grabs his attention and says, "We aren't paying you to appease your wife."

At that point, I realized this guy needed a friend. I hope he ended up finding one cuz it sure as fuck wasn't gonna be me. I would imagine he has by now, its been a good year or so since then. I start picking Phlebotomist's brain more and more trying to find out what puts the puss in the wound. He let's me in on the whole Phlebotomist dream. How this is his in between job before he hits the bigtime and sticks needles into people for a living. Being an official enabler, I encourage him to work towards that dream.

Two weeks into his employment he let's me know that he found a potential lead over in Texas. He would be on a military base and it was a great gateway program to what he wanted to get into. Sounds good to me. Pack your bags, sir. Though, it wasn't going to be this easy:

a) His wife doesn't want to move states, they just moved here.
b) The job requires several face to face interviews to get the job.
c) He shares a car with his mother-in-law.
d) He has no references for this line of work.
e) He makes Gary Shandling's nervous mug look stoic.

He lays down these problems to me, similar to how I have done for you here. I tell him that these are minor setbacks worthy of being challenged.

"You're not gonna sit there and feel sorry for yourself and duck from a challenge are you? What are you French?"

Phlebotomist doesn't like my sense of humor very much but lends me his ear for solid advice time and time again as we'll explore here shortly. The weekend was coming up fast and he needs to get to Texas but if he is to drive, he would have to leave Friday morning to make it there in a timely manner for a Saturday morning interview.

"Take Friday off man, tell them you have some family obligation or the like. Male Boss is a cool guy, he'll have no problem with it," I tell him.

"I don't know, Northe. I just started working here and don't want to jeopardize my job. My wife hates that I can't keep a steady job."

"You're not gonna lose your job, captain. Go talk to Male Boss and relieve the stress."

Phlebotomist goes to talk to Male Boss. I kinda chuckle to myself cuz he is so nervous but Male Boss is cool enough to let shit slide from time to time. Plus, Phlebotomist isn't a bad worker, just an idiot.

Phlebotomist comes back into the office with a smile. He's set to go. Monday, he comes in an hour and a half late. Turns out traffic was worse than he imagined. The good news is he is ready for the second interview. The bad news is that he has to do the same thing he did last weekend this weekend. The stage is set.

I tell the guy that I will back him up on his 2nd Friday-off request in two weeks. He makes the plea to Male Boss.

"I'll stay late on Thursday, come in early on Friday and stay late on Friday to make sure the workload is taken care of, Male Boss. No problem," I tells him.

Male Boss reluctantly agrees to the second request. I can tell this guy's on thin ice. However, truly, I want this guy to do better for himself. He hates life and he isn't gonna find happiness here. Not if I can help it.

Monday comes again, the Phlebotomist is frikkin 3 hours late. No phone call, no nothing. Female Boss scolds him harshly. He might as well be walking on wet rice paper flooring with track spikes on cuz this fool's about to crash and burn.

Lunchtime happens a bit after he gets into the office. He's extremely concerned. He's on the verge of getting the job but they want him to work on Friday to see what he can do.

"My wife doesn't even know I have been going to Texas, she thinks that I have been going to visit my sick grandmother," confesses Phlebotomist.

"Oh you idiot, now what?" I encourage him.

"I think I am going to leave my wife and take this job. The bad part is that I have to take off Wed-Fri of this week in order to make things happen. I am totally screwed."

"Chin up, things couldn't be better! Male Boss is a forgiving soul, just tell him you will work on Sunday."

Just like Patton would do, I send him to the front lines with, "It'll be fine," and a firm pat on the back.

This is what fishermen might call chumming the waters.

Let's get on the same page. Monday afternoon, after coming in 3 hours late, Male Boss is frazzled as usual and Phlebotomist asks to speak with him outside. Why outside, I have no clue. I am staring through the window at this guy's face go white with fear as he begs to take off three more days this week. Before the guy can even throw out a reason as to why he would need to take this time off Male Boss has had it.

"What the hell kind of persons do you think of me? That you can work for when you like to? Why don't I cut your last check and you get the fuck out of my office?"

Poor sap. The guy is frozen, I had to have had a huge open jawed grin on my face. He catches my look through the window in awe. I shake my head and smack a look of sorrow on my face but the smile comes right back to it. I think this all was for the better. My real hope is that Phlebotomist left his wife and found what he is looking for. Maybe he'll find this blog and thank me for having ulterior motives that led him to his success in the blood analysis field. If not.. he becomes just another left in my wake.