Home Makeover

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

This happened before I started the blog. I just had a flashback to it because a small tree outside just lost a branch in some strong wind we've been having and it hit the window. What does that have to do with anything? Just ask the female version of Christopher Lowell, Female Boss.

Over the Winter, Female Boss wanted to bring the outdoors indoors to have the feel of summer while we were having shitty weather. After one weekend, I came into a completely remodeled Investment Property: curtains strung up to branches, leaves glued to the walls and palm fronds shoved into backs of chairs to give them that peacock look that everyone wants in their furniture.

"What do you think, Northe? Do you like it?"

Always the tactical genius, I respond, "I'll tell you one thing, I haven't seen a classy way to integrate nature and lifestyle ever before."

She is glowing. The sad part is, I still haven't. Smack my bottom purple.

As time goes on, Female Boss adds and takes away from the ambiance. Crunched leaves are part of the flooring decor and the once green palm fronds don't have that eye catching feel they used to. Weeks turn to months. Its not looking any better with time.

Throughout the year Male Boss hosts several parties at the Investment Property. With one on the horizon Female Boss can't wait as she is all too proud of her work. On a side note, The Professional has been making fun of her, to me, under his breath for weeks now. I guess its okay for her to be proud as long as she has no clue what people really think.

Monday night, Female Boss is stringing up lights for the big party at the Investment Property. She is really looking forward to this one as many people that saw Makeover 1.0 will be coming back to see Makeover 8.0 or however many times she changed the fucked up decor to look even worse.

"I can't wait to hear the compliments tonight. Its all been so fulfilling!" she smiles.

Fantastic.

I leave work a bit early and come in on Tuesday to something quite entertaining. Female Boss is absolutely ballistic. She is screaming at the top of her lungs.. I have never seen her like this. Male Boss, in all his usual magnificence and looking to be affected by a huge hangover, is standing in the middle of the Living Room watching Female Boss ripping leaves off the wall and knocking over chairs. She is screaming non-stop at how big of an asshole he is.

Male Boss is telling her to calm down and to stop yelling while he rubs his temples.

"Fuck you!" she screams. "You've had me make a fool of myself for months and months! You are an inconsiderate asshole and you laugh at my expense!"

"Come on, Female Boss.. its funny.. its not that big of a deals. They don't hate it they just think its weird. You know, like its a difference," says Male Boss.

"Fuck you, I don't want to hear your stupid voice anymore!"

Female Boss hoists herself up and starts hanging off of the curtain rails (read as: branches nailed into the wall) as if she was about to do pull-ups until they break off.. with the drywall. This easily goes on for a good two hours until the entire house is a wreck. Shit is everywhere. It was complete chaos. The only good thing was that it was so dead in the office that morning I could pay close attention to what they were doing rather than pretend to work.

Turns out every single friend of theirs, mutual or separate, The Professional included, would constantly make fun of the way she decorated the house. It was a giant web of secrecy and she had no idea that it was going down behind her back. Everyone was in on it and worst of all, if you're Female Boss anyway, Male Boss revealed it to her in front of the entire party after having a few too many drinks. So not only did her dream come crashing down but she was completely humiliated in front of all her friends. I can tell you they haven't held a party here since that one.

I sure do love a festive occasion.