Fork My Eyes, Please.

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

So Female Boss, the spreader of useful information has been calling her friends and family ever since she came into the office, late, from her hair appointment. One after another, I get to hear this sage advice. That's right, I get to hear the same thing numerous times and every time I hear it I am going over in my head exactly how to tie a noose and fasten it securely to the ceiling above to end it all.

Female Boss, to some random idiot she feels like vomiting to, "You know what I do to get people's attention now?"

I assume the other side of the phone is dead cuz 9 times out of 10 she repeats herself or waits about 15 secs before celebrating the news.

"I say, 'mom, mom, mom, mom where are you?'"

Yes. I am not lying. This time I wish I was. Female Boss is a fucking lunatic. I would venture to guess that most people she says this to on the phone are probably awe struck by her stupidity and don't respond. To counter this deafening silence she has struck back in anger in every single one of these conversations.

"It really, really works! Especially if the person is a mom!"

Well holy crap, call MENSA! Then, as a kicker, she made some friend of hers put her 17 year old daughter on the phone and told her she was about to imitate her (her being the daughter).

Now I have no clue where this came from but she starts, "Mom, mom, mom, where are you? Have you left yet? Its cold outside mom, let me in the house. Mom, mom."

After the second "mom," she starts cracking up laughing like she's queen of the Apollo. This conversation then ends with her telling the mother, "I guess that wasn't a good impression. Oh wait, remember to say 'mom.' Bye." And hangs up the phone.

I mean, seriously, what the fuck is she doing? Dragging a friend's kid into it as well? Does she have any sense!? You know what.. I may not be the most likable, best looking guy or by any means the smartest.. but for God's sake what the fuck is going on here? The sad thing is how frequent and typical it all is. Day in and day out, same nonsensical shit. If I wasn't focusing on mental images of crashing in people's heads with a cudgel I would be typing more of these insane stories but I do my best to get lost in the dank dungeon of my mind to avoid this scourge of retardation that may very well infect me some day. These posts are a log to prove that at one point I was sane if I ever become like her.