Female Boss Shorts 9

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Scenario #1: The Gardener has gone back to Mehico, or wherever Jews are from (see Scenario #2), for a one month. Since Female Boss is very dependent on his services she is becoming quite stressed out. I'll take another second to remind you that the property is tiny which puts Female Boss' overwhelming feeling of distress into prespecteev.

Lemme break it down for you. Female Boss' stress amounts to this quite literally: weeding a couple flower beds and mowing the lawn.. once at the very most for each job. Now that we are in a clear understanding for DefCon 4, Female Boss takes the necessary precautions. She heads to the local hardware store and comes back equipped for her month long standoff with the yard.

Female Boss' purchases include: a new spade, bcuz according to her the other one she bought last year "doesn't work right," whatever that means.. Next, a 50 count box of 33 gallon black garbage bags.. 33 gallon.. 50 of em.. 50. A pick axe to "turn up the soil even tho 98% of the property is lawn. Grass shears, in case the lawn mower "slows her down." Lastly, a new pair of gardening gloves for, and I swear to you this is what she said, "to combat her allergies." Wow..

Scenario #2: With Turkey Day looming back at the time this tale was in the making, I can't help but be reminded of another one of Male Boss' finest moments that you will find here (First Scenario). What sparked this thought? Female Boss is rambling on and on about Thanksgiving for some reason. Somewhere along the lines of her nonsensical string of half-thoughts and burps, she starts complaining about Turkey Day of all things! Lay off the feasting of tasty bird for crying out loud! Whore.

"I don't want to go to my family's! There always ends up being a fight. Then, my brother will make jokes about my pets and that they are a part of my "zoo" and worse yet, I am the zoo keeper!"

...

"I can't take it! I can't take it! I don't want to go!"

Yeah? Well what the fuck do you want me to do? Just shut up already..

As I keep my mouth shut, Female Boss doesn't drop more gems like I had hoped for. Instead her train of thought changes, as is the way of a brain lacking that ever so vital oxygen supply. Basically she starts talking about her plans for the weekend. Involving going to her family's house.. christ. Glad you spent the last 15 minutes bitching about it only to rejoice in the fact that you are still gonna go. Female Boss switches topics yet again to dig deep and pull out some Nostradamus-like foresight.

"I think a lot of ppl are gonna be cooking for Thanksgiving this year."

No shit? Wait a second, no way! People cooking for Thanksgiving.. that's just dumb. We all go out to dinner at Bunboy like her family I am guessing?

Mistakes of the Past 2

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Yesterday left you with a classic Male Boss scenario. His arrogance has proven to get the best of him and his comeuppence draws nigh. When we came into work after the weekend neither of us were prepared for what greeted us.

That Monday morning the investment property was a complete disaster. The house was slathered from the windows to the wall in a fine slick of dog shit. It was as if a kindergarten class came over and had a finger painting party. I follow close behind Male Boss, the second the dogs see me they charge me happily to say hello. I stomped my foot as hard as I could and told them to back the fuck up.

Of course they are too stupid to understand my disgust in them but Lord knows their paws are carrying a cocktail of bacteria in the form of dry, caked on shit accented with the fresh wet shit from that very morning. No thanks, assholes. Male Boss was petrified, I really don't think he could believe his own eyes. He stood there, the dogs bounced to and fro off of him mucking up the front and back of his jeans. He does nothing at first, then expresses how furious he is with himself.

"I fucked up, Northe. I really fucked this up this time. I didn't think and I fucked the shit up."

I gave him the ol' grin followed up by an, "I told you so."

Male Boss didn't even acknowledge me. He started gathering all the stacks of napkins from his various fast food trips he could find. I tip toed thru the mine field in the kitchen, grabbed the roll of paper towels and tossed it to him. Knowing that it wouldn't be enuff to do the job, I gave him a heads up.

"Hey, Male Boss, I'm gonna head to the store and grab you a 3 pack of paper towels."

I needed to get the hell outta there. I spent a good hour away from work and came back to spy a beautiful scene unfold. The door was slightly ajar when I came back, a black plastic trash bag with the ends tied in a knot lay at the front step. Knowing what it was full of, I nudged it aside and slowly poked my head into the house.

There it was, Male Boss down on his hands and knees. He fashioned knee pads out of napkins that didn't do as good a job as he had hoped. With one napkin in hand, Male Boss was picking at wads of doo. Every now and then he would do the swirly scoop smear that would only make it harder to come clean. All the while the dogs are playing in circles around him and putting their faces right in his.

After a few seconds of watching, Male Boss reaches his breaking point. With poo clasped in napkined hand, he goes from dog to dog shaking the it and shoving it in their faces, "Huh? You wanna smell it!"

Male Boss' eyes are wide and look almost bloodshot. His hair is all frazzled and he breathes only thru his mouth making him sound much more hilarious than usual, "You wanna smell your own shit!?"

He lunges at them angrily and sadly enuff the dogs are so confused with the situation they keep coming back to him wondering what exactly is in his hand and if he's offering it up to them. This is only pissing Male Boss off more so, "Get the fuck outta here!"

They come back for more. The One gets a little too close and faces the wrath, "You want to taste it you son of a bitch!? Huh? Taste it!"

Male Boss shoves the open faced napkin into The One's snout, "Fucking taste it! You like it you mother fucking ass!?"

I am just standing in the doorway, holding back the tears of laughter as best I can. After Male Boss had lashed out at the pups, Male Boss' demeanor changes. Maybe he felt bad, I don't know. His speech and behavior were as indecipherable as his usual speech.

"That's it. You're all just dogs. All of you, just fucking dogs. That's it."

Mistakes of the Past

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

During the time this story was going on Female Boss was taking more vacations than a popular politician. Over a two month period she was gone for 24 work days. Upon her latest return, a Wednesday, she told Male Boss that she was going to leave again for the weekend. In Female Boss speak "for the weekend" meant that she would be leaving early today and we weren't likely to see her until Tuesday. Within her pep talk about the joys of travel Female Boss decided to drop a bombshell on Male Boss.. it would be another go at Female Boss handing the reigns over to Male Boss in regards to taking care of the pups.

Male Boss began with his usual protesting. Female Boss was not trying to hear a thing. Male Boss even brought up the fact that in the past he has been a terrible failure and how he resents having to take care of "those fucking dogs." Female Boss starts up on the "I am under so much stress" speech and wins the argument. It doesn't shock me one bit that Male Boss doesn't have the mental dexterity to bring up the fact that she has taken tons of vacation time lately. Instead, Male Boss folds up like a whimpering bitch and Female Boss rightfully wins the debate.

Thursday morning Male Boss comes into the office with all the dogs. He walks into the office with all the dogs with harnessed and leashed up and a face full of shame. I start laughing at him, Male Boss' head sinks to the floor, "Oh you think this is funny? Look at me, Northe!"

I continue to laugh and shake my head at him. To my delight the mocking inspires Male Boss. It is he that will have the last laugh.

"Fuck it, Northe. You know what I am going to do? Leaving the fucking dogs right here! Right fucking here!"

Rough translation means that he is not going to take the dogs back home with him. He wants to just leave em here at the investment property essentially relinquishing him from all responsibility..

I toss him a logical question, "Are you going to come back and feed them and give them water over the weekend?"

I am met with the answer from my wildest dreams, "Hell no! Fuck these fucking dogs! Going to put out the bowls of food and water and thats it."

"What about their shit?" I ask.

Male Boss believes that it is in his best interest to let all the shit pile up and clean it up in one fell swoop on Monday. I remind him of his folly of the past, that worse things can potentially happen. Male Boss laughs in the face of death by not taking heed to my words and blows off my warnings without hesitation.

Sidebar: Gonna have to break this into two stories. I have been slacking on finishing up a bunch of different stories here so if I get something out it will motivate me to finish this up tonight when I get home. Tomorrow's update will conclude the story.

We Have A Visitor

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Imagine the joy in my heart when I found out that Padre was sending over a friend from overseas, another priest so you know, to stay at the investment property for a couple of days. This was a brand new shot at someone else's personal Vietnam to take place here at the office. The smile on my face was not like one of those jovial kid in the candy store type deals, its more like the sinister smile of a sniper before he squeezes off a kill thats been a long time coming.

Rejuvenated with the news, I asked when this would be. The victim was gonna be here on Thursday and then stay the weekend, most of his time would obviously be at the investment property alone but it gave me two days of some great potential. Not the best case scenario but good enuff. The week before fell off the calendar and arrival time came.

He was a portly gent, not very nice and seemed to me that the good Lord blessed him with an extremely severe case of gum disease that stopped me from even shaking his hand. It was frikkin disgusting. It looked like it hurt to smile.. it was like a coked out angel stole God's product and hammered pieces of chipped teeth into his gums. Apparently no one showed this idiot what a toothbrush or floss was in his 60+ years on this here Earth to boot. According to my calculations the only thing that can save this guy's mouth at this point would be some sort of chisel set and enuff porcelain to construct a bidet. Then maybe pickup a set of donated horse gums to replace the red, irritated and decaying human set he has. Even then, you'd still have to tackle the halitosis problem.

As one can deduce, his overwhelming repugnance set off the 21 gun salute welcome that the dogs give off to any and all guests of honor at the investment property. Lucky for this jackass, they were all present and about as loud as you can possibly imagine. Before long his ears were ringing to the point where he can no longer hear a lot of the frequencies he once enjoyed. Good enuff, as the only person worth speaking to in the office wasn't going to be saying anything to him anyway.. so you know, that person would be me.

The best part about the whole thing is that Female Boss is doing her usual song and dance about how this is so uncharacteristic of the dogs followed by her making shushing sounds that are all but drowned out completely in the noise. Female Boss takes GumDisease to the back room and shows him where he will be staying, silence takes the room back, not a peep from the dogs. When she comes back in with GumDisease, it starts all over again as if these were GumDisease's initial seconds of entry.

The tour continues to the office, where I am now seated. Demonseed's cage is in the room with me as well. As soon as Demonseed sees GumDisease she starts going completely ballistic. She couldn't quite see GumDisease when he walked in so she had only been flying back and forth across her cage trying to sneak a peak. Now that she has seen the infiltrator she greets him like only Demonseed can. Her screeching is insane. I'm talking painful. Its like a very fine laser beam passing right thru your brain over and over again. The good news is through many hours of training I am able to find it hysterical bcuz the chaos only makes for a more interesting story for Angry Time.

Female Boss is starting to fidget and bob and weave. She knows she looks like an idiot and GumDisease is really getting pissy. GumDisease puts his hands on top of his head and leaves them there.

"Good heavens that bird!" yelps GumDisease.

"Oh, nooo. She's a good bird. Right, Northe?" pleads Female Boss.

The beauty of stupid questions and ambient noise is that you can pretend that you never heard them.

"Yeah, see she's a good bird," says Female Boss to Demonseed as she clutches the side of the cage with her talons screaming right in her face.

"Quiet!" screams Female Boss back at the bird.

Even though it was probably the loudest I have ever heard her scream its as if she was whispering. The sound is becoming deafening, GumDisease is in complete shock staring at her with his hands still on his head wondering what the hell Jesus would do.. I am guessing. Unfortunately, GumDisease doesn't have the answer in any handbook and stands frozen, mouth wide open and the blood rushing to his head.

So Female Boss starts up something new, "La la la la la."

Female Boss' singing seems to be working. Slowly, the dogs cease their barking one by one after some time. Demonseed is down to a mere caw and all is becoming right in the world again. Still nervous with hand shaking from the embarrassment, Female Boss turns around to face GumDisease.

She sees how completely appalled GumDisease is. Trying to lighten the mood, Female Boss jokingly says, "I take it you are dying to hold the bird."

GumDisease is not amused, "That bird is not my responsibility."

His stare is about as cold as a witch's teet. There is no sarcasm. There is no joy. There is no light in his eye, only despair. In the first 15 minutes of being here, GumDisease has already outlived his stay. He did not spend the night at the investment property. He did not even stay a couple hours. In fact, Female Boss told me the next day that he never unpacked his things and left to a local motel in a cab about 30 minutes after I left. GumDisease was such a pissed off customer that when Female Boss insisted that she drive him to the motel he wouldn't even accept it. Phenomenal.

Quality Time With Male Boss

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

It was getting toward the end of a long day. Female Boss and Male Boss are in their typical cerebral bitchfest complaining about this, that and the other. I make sure to immerse myself in some kind of radio topic drowning out their pathetic sparring session. For once, I am pretty upset I was doing my best not to pay attention bcuz Male Boss and I shared a moment not much later.

Still completely into my sports radio talk, I can hear the dyspeptic rumble of idiocy dying down. Female Boss leaves in a shitty mood, as usual. I still have another 20 minutes left on the clock before I can escape my temporary damnation cuz Male Boss is still floating around somewhere in the kitchen. If he'd just leave I'd leave a minute or two later and all is right in the world again.

Instead, Male Boss comes in with two tumblers with a bit of scotch in each.

"This one's on me, Northe."

I take my glass and raise it to him. We sip a bit in silence and he starts up the conversation, "You and me. We got lucky, Northe."

After a bit of silent and another swig of scotch I ask him, "Why's that?"

"God didn't make us born the womens."

We share a laugh, raise our glasses again and take our last sips.

"Female Boss is one fucked up broad."

I can't argue so I swirl a bit and take down my last drop.

Male Boss gets up and instructs me that its time to go home. He turns off the lights in the office and closes up shop for the evening. I take his glass and take em to the kitchen to rinse em out.

"We got some fucking luck, right?" asks Male Boss.

I look up from the sink ringing my hands of the water on em, "I suppose we do."

As we leave the investment property and he locks up the door behind us he leaves me with this, "Yes my friend, we got some fucking luck.. not to be that shit."

Here's to not being that shit, friends.

Dunkirt Revisited

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Re-read me. At minimum, re-familiarize yourself. Things haven't been getting any better. Dunkirt's new friends are now known as "The Flies That Go Thru and In" in many friendly circles to Angry Time now and said flies continue to make sweet love within the anal cavity of this frikkin pig. It hasn't just stayed the same either, its getting worse.

Day by day, I have noticed the increasing swarm of flies around this fat fuck. Useless lump that he is, Dunkirt just lays there enjoying the delicate tickle that the flies offer him. Female Boss is beside herself bcuz every day Male Boss makes a comment about the disgusting situation. Its become so bad that if Dunkirt is laying there and you walk by him a fleet of flies leap up from all over the place.. its insane. So Female Boss has come up with a few solutions, if they will work only time will tell.

Her first idea was to buy this crap. Its this thick, opaque salve that I pray she isn't rubbing "thru and in" on ye ol' pig but I can't confirm. However, at first I didn't know that this crap was a salve. I just saw the container. All I know is when Female Boss brought it to work she opened it and just placed it where the pig spends most of its time sideways and conjuring up more stink. For a couple days there, I didn't notice the pig being swarmed. I figured maybe the crap worked like one of those insect candles or some such. Turns out I was wrong.

After that weekend, the lid was still off the Flys-Off and the flies were back to continue their expedition of going thru and in. During the course of the week it became so bad that Dunkirt was found trying to snap at the flies and even squealing in frustration. Perhaps his nether regions have grown raw and sensitive.. mmm, good visual. Male Boss didn't give a fuck anymore, his comments had now ceased but Female Boss was determined to stop the infestation.

Her next tactic was to "tent" the sleeping quarters of Dunkirt. Female Boss is making Dunkirt sleep within his makeshift tent and continuing to place the salve right next to it. I think its working better as there aren't near as many flies but there are flies still about. The more disturbing part of this tale is the final and most desperate measure, I believe, Female Boss has taken.

The other morning I noticed finger dents and smearsmear marks within the jar of salve. Taken aback by this, I peered down to read the directions. Turns out you want to rub the crap within wounds and shit like that. Thing is, Dunkirt doesn't have any wounds but according to Male Boss he has an orifice that doubles as a condo. I hate to take your minds down that path but I gotta tell ya it may be true. I don't know for sure tho. I just hope that Female Boss isn't that crazy to apply cream upon, within and around the thru and in entrance for the flies.

Boss Warfare 7

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Scenario #1: Male Boss is shockingly in the sitting room doing nothing at all. Female Boss and I are in the office area. I can only vouch for myself when I say "we" are working. Chances are Female Boss is trying to figure out how to open a file on her computer.. something she forgets fairly often how to do.

Once Female Boss' brain hiccups her back to a somewhat functional human being she notices Puppy is with Male Boss on the couch.

"What are you doing, Puppy?"

"I'm watching my stories. Leave me the hell alone. I'm with the dog."

Female Boss turns red in the face.

"I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to Puppy, you idiot!"

"If I'm the idiot you tell me what Puppy says."

Female Boss is silent, what can she say?

"You see? You see how dumb you are? Asks the dog the question and mad on me for answering. You wouldn't hear shit! The dogs don't talk, stop asking questions and stop wasting my stories!"

Scenario #2: Female Boss is on the line with her brother. Its the usual crap they talk about.. summed up in a word - nothing. They don't talk about shit important. They don't talk about events, music, movies, shows.. anything. Usually she just asks if he received an in-mail or something or why he didn't reply or who should she forward the in-mail to, or if he forwarded it to anyone. Drives me fuckin nuts.

So while Female Boss is on the line with him, Male Boss is in the kitchen with The One. He is making a bit of a racket which usually means that he is looking for a treat to give The One. Female Boss realizes this. She made it fairly clear that she didn't want The One getting any treats during the day anymore cuz when she takes him home he doesn't eat dinner. Rather than reiterating this to Male Boss she goes a different route.

"Male Boss, can you bring The One in here for me?"

Male Boss doesn't answer. Female Boss repeats herself. Still no answer.

As Male Boss is turning the corner with The One in his arms, Female Boss is beginning her whining to her brother, "Sorry Brother, but I apparently am not allowed to talk on the phone right now. I am so sorry, Male Boss says that I can't talk on the phone. Uh huh, yeah, I am so sorry, nothing is important but doing work here so I have to go now."

Female Boss hangs up the phone.

Male Boss gets angry, "Why the fuck you tell him like that? What the fuck? What the fuck you doing?"

"You can't do a simple thing that I ask of you," she yells at him.

"What the fuck? You blinded? I have the fucking dog here. Fucking take him. Stupid, stupid. Fuck! Don't do that again. You fucking lie on me to your brother. I don't like that shit!"

"Then do what I ask and I won't."

"Fucking crazy woman! I bring you the dog! Its here! You have it! Don't lie on me again! EVER!"

Its maddening. I don't know where Female Boss gets off doing shit like that. I don't know what her deal is. She's simply insane and poor Male Boss has to deal with her wrath. I wouldn't know what to do if she ever tried pulling shit like that on me.

"It looka like a man."

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

We've all seen that sketch that got old after the first 25 seconds on Mad TV haven't we? Oh well, who cares. Its really not that important. However, it does shed some light on how brazenly stupid Male Boss remains. There is no need for me to re-link you guys the myriad of stories about how Male Boss is all but hopeless when it comes to computers so you're gonna have to go back and refresh yourself with terms like "in-mail" on your own time.

A while back I showed Male Boss how to set up some basic computer bullshit. He asked a bunch of stupid questions while I was doing it and then would repeat aloud what I was doing. For example, taking a cord and plugging it into the back of the computer he would say, "Yeah, go ahead and take that and plug it right there," while I'm doing it! Pretty fuckin annoying, lemme tell ya. I tried to teach him anything but Male Boss is the type of guy that doesn't have the patience to learn anything new and once sees it, thinks he is a know-it-all. I could really care less, its when he bugs me on the weekend to try and figure out shit that I couldn't decipher to save my family.

I remember getting a voicemail over this one weekend. It was Male Boss, calling from his cell phone from a friend's house. They were trying to set up the guy's new computer. Somehow, they got the computer up and running but when it came to the peripherals they started coming across snags. The voicemail was half in english and the other half in the beautiful, angry barks that is his native language.

What stuck out most in my mind is, "We have the cable with the man on it. We want to know where it needs to be plugged. Looks like a man, I don't know. Where do we put?"

Next voicemail message was him again, Male Boss kept repeating himself, the same shit, while talking to the guy that was with him. Both messages were a good 2 minutes. I had no clue what the poor guy was talking about at all. After shaving another 2 hours off the clock in the hopes that he would no longer be at his friend's house I called him back. Thankfully he didn't answer his cell so I just left him a message that I'll see if I can figure it out come Monday.

On Monday, he presented me with the problem. He drew a sketch of a stick figure. I asked him what it was. Male Boss insisted it was the symbol on the cord and they had no clue what it meant.

"What means that? Looks like the man, right?"

I affirmed that yes, that drawing does look like a man but I have never seen anything like that before on a computer part. After a few frustrating minutes Male Boss calls his friend up. Thank god the fucker spoke good english. He told me that it was his printer. They had the old-school fatty cable that his computer didn't have and then there was the second cable to connect to the computer.

"The USB cable?" I asked.

The guy had no clue what I meant, so I put him on hold. I went to our printer and pulled out the USB cable.

"Is this what it looks like?" I asked Male Boss.

"Yeah, pretty thin like that."

"Has to be the USB cable then," I told him.

"What about the man then?" he asked me.

Having no fucking clue what he was talking about I gave the cable a closer inspection. No fuckin way. This couldn't possibly be. I lifted the end of the cable to Male Boss' eye level, "This it?"

"Yes! That's the man! What's fucking means that!?"

"That is USB symbol, Male Boss. Its not a man."

You know what it looks like? Here take a look. Rotate it in your head so that the circle is at the top.. I guess thats the head. Just like a man right? Fuckin unreal. Rather than the conversation ending with Male Boss' strangulation with a USB cable it ended with..

"To me looks like a man. That's the older people thinks. You see, you are young so you know. To me, looks like a man. Its a fucking man."

Dunkirt vs. The Professional

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Go ahead and take some time to refresh yourself on what Dunkirt once was. The world was once this pig's oyster, he had it all. He was entertaining, energetic and most of all a pleasure to be around. Now that you remember young Dunkirt, lets continue to delve into what has become of this land cow.

The reason I link to you that particular post is to demonstrate that how some things at one stage in life are cute and how the exact same thing can eventually become just plain fuckin annoying. Over the months, Dunkirt's brain soaked in everything like a sponge. Female Boss rightfully was recognized as the general caretaker. I became, "morning banana peel guy" as I would give Dunkirt the pleasure of eating what I consider a portion of my daily waste, and The Professional became "the tag guy" to Mr. Kirt.

One thing was for sure, nothing made Dunkirt happier than seeing The Professional. If Dunkirt was in the right mood, as a burgeoning young adult pig, he would squeal and charge The Professional with wanton disregard. The poor guy was only hoping that The Professional would stick around and play tag with him. The problem is that as Dunkirt aged and grew the act went from playful tyke to a battering ram ripe to cause internal bleeding. This upset The Professional very much. Often he would scold Dunkirt when coming into the house or use his briefcase as a makeshift shield to fend off his foe. The Professional would act up the most if Female Boss wasn't around. He would curse at Dunkirt and scare him off. This turns out to be a bad move.

Now that Dunkirt is hulking house of flies, he has learned to hate his one time Huckleberry Friend. Nowadays, whenever The Professional comes to the house, it turns into a dangerous game of cat and mouse. The last time The Professional was at all amicable with Dunkirt he paid for it dearly. The way he tells the story is he was getting out of his car and Dunkirt was in the front putting around, per the norm. As The Professional approached the house Dunkirt slowly made his way over toward The Professional and as he turned his back on the pig, Dunkirt smashed his forehead into the side of his leg.

Needless to say The Professional came in ranting and screaming about "that fucking pig." To no one's surprise, Female Boss stepped in to her oblivious role of pet owner and refused to believe it was anything malicious or even something to be concerned about. Where have we seen this behavior before? Hmm..

So now, The Professional avoids Dunkirt at all costs. On weekday mornings I can look out the window and seeing him dodge from left to right and even leaping as he crosses the path of Dunkirt to get around him. When Dunkirt is blocking the front door, he'll use the side door. Anything to get away from him. When asked why he doesn't come in the front door by Female Boss, The Professional replies, "Tell me when you want to turn that pig into sausage and I will come in through the front door when that fucking guy is in my way."

I put my money on The Professional in anticipation of a good meal.