"Do It!"

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Another day, another Vietnam. Female Boss, in her ever sporadic mission to teach Puppy how to do anything by command, brings The Professional into her plan. The Professional has been kinda MIA lately as he has been working with his sister at her job. This really blows cuz without him around I don't get near as many laughs. Hopefully its only a temporary thing but I really don't know.

So, The Professional came in about two weeks ago. This was first time I had seen him in at least a month. He is his normal self, very upbeat and ready to talk some shit or tells some jokes. When he walks in, Female Boss snaps into action like everything was premeditated. She doesn't even say hi to him, just heads outside to grab Puppy and bring her in. After grabbing Puppy from outside, she awkwardly rushes over to the kitchen and grabs a leash.

Sidebar: You have to understand that I look at this office much differently than others that enter. Most likely The Professional didn't notice anything forced or off about the whole situation. I don't blame him, its only pathetic if you notice it and chances are he chooses to avoid thinking about it. Smart man.

With leash in one hand and Puppy draped over her arm, Female Boss brings Puppy into the office where The Professional is busy looking at his in-mails and any other items of business scattered about the office area. In the worst attempt at acting I have ever seen, Female Boss puts a startled bounce in her step, "Oh! You came just in time to watch Puppy take some lessons."

Gah, fuckin idiot. There's too many angles of attack here, Female Boss would be a shattered soul by the time I was finished with her. Its getting all too easy. Sans verbal dissection of her very being I'll just carry on.

"Here try this," she says.

Female Boss sets Puppy down onto the ground. Off she runs away from Female Boss. Shocker. No control of her dog. It takes a couple minutes to get the beast back into the office and to actually pay attention to what is happening; serious business time, pay attention.

"Okay, Puppy. Today you're going to learn to take commands from The Professional," says Female Boss as a howling wind passes through one ear and out the other.

"I think she's ready," says Female Boss looking at The Professional. "Tell her to sit."

The Professional is obviously agitated. He kinda shifts in his seat and is ready to give Puppy the command. As soon as he opens his mouth to say something, Female Boss interrupts him, "Well you gotta stand up, silly."

This is when I start sinking into my own personal space. I cannot afford to laugh and at the same time it pains me too much to watch so I put the old ears on satellite mode and with an occasional glance in their direction record the events in my mind.

The Professional reluctantly steps up to the plate, "Puppy, sit. Sit. Puppy, Sit. Sit, Puppy."

Would it be a waste of time to mention that Puppy didn't sit? Likely, so I won't. Female Boss won't stand for this. Puppy isn't showing the least sign of interest and the fact that she started walking around the office after his third command is only embarrassing Female Boss further.

"No, you can't just do it like that. You have to snap your fingers to get the dog's attention, then give the command," says Female Boss in her best pretend role to know what the fuck she is talking about.

"No it is okay, I have to run anyway."

The poor Professional knows what she is trying to get him into and he is beginning to look for a way out.

"Oh it'll just be a second, I want you to get her to sit," says Female Boss with a kind yet forceful voice.

The Professional knows that Female Boss is very pushy, he realizes it is in his best interest to just get it over with. I could hear the prayer song of angels going off in his head begging the Lord to free him from this madness. Unfortunately, God has a sense of humor.

*Snap* "Puppy, sit. Puppy, sit." *Snap* "Sit." *Snap* "Sit, Puppy, sit."

"Here, hold on. Try getting closer to her," says Female Boss gesturing with her hands.

The Professional leans into Puppy's face and continues. The best part is that his voice is becoming more and more commanding. Well maybe commanding isn't the right word, its obviously due to frustration but it sounds like he is really getting into the role. No matter what he does tho, Puppy just stands there wagging her tail and glancing around the place every now and again. As for Female Boss, she has a half-smile stitched on her face. My best guess is that she is preparing for the 1 in 1000 shot the dog actually sits and also to give off that disturbing sense of optimism in the face of uncomfortable circumstances. Kinda like the grin on the face of a lunatic.

I hate to report, but this goes on for a good 15 minutes. Still trying to get out of the situation but too nice to just up and go, The Professional keeps stressing the fact that he wishes to leave. Female Boss is adamant in making this fantasy of hers into a reality. More commands are given and nothing is happening. The thing is Puppy doesn't even look you in the eyes. The dog is very detached, so short of grabbing her face and steering it in your direction Puppy won't make strong eye contact. Female Boss gets so flustered that at one point while The Professional is trying to leave she damn near yells, "Do it!"

Its beyond insane now. The Professional kinda stares Female Boss down for a second, clearly distressed. Then, paydirt! Before anything further can happen, out of sheer boredom, Puppy takes a seat as if watching the show.

"Puppy! Oh my God! Yayyy! Good dog, look at that beautiful sit!" exclaims Female Boss.

The Professional, done with what was assigned him, left in a hurry. Poor guy. I don't envy being friendly and maintaining a business relationship with Female Boss. Its just a bit much. So off he went, to do who knows what. Sometimes when I recall the day's events I can muster up words for a debate that this one particular spot in the road outside the house, that may look like an oil slick stain from long ago, really is where The Professional threw up after leaving the house that day. I am almost positive that's the way it went down after he left.

I'll Shut Up Now

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

As you can probably tell my sense of humor isn't for everyone. I come off as quite the asshole most of the time and the rest of the time I come off as sarcastic or arrogant. Winning combinations, as they may be, they have invited their fair share of trouble throughout the course of my life. I usually counter these scenarios with increased sarcasm but every now and then I do know when to keep my mouth shut.

A good example of this was the other day when Female Boss was on the phone with one of The Plastics. Female Boss was doing her usual Rolodex tour of all her friends repeating the same story over and over again and never finding it dull. Female Boss usually spends her time on the phone to share gossip. Any details she gets on other Plastics, Romans or friends and family, in general, Female Boss feels that the information should be spread as quickly as possible.

Today's topic was not so much the reason of the call but likely the fact that The Plastic she was on the line with decided to flip the script on the conversation. I like to think that anyway. Just maybe one of these deranged clowns can have a normal streak and not want any more mind numbing information. The subject gets swapped for a little Pigfoot rundown. My attention is officially grabbed with the mention of his name.

Female Boss then says, "Well I am not sure what it is but Pigfoot has a weight problem."

Being the idiot that I am I say nice and audibly, "Yeah, the problem is he can't wait (weight) to eat." Pa-rumph! Oh, the wit..

I don't think I have ever received a dirty look from Female Boss before. She was definitely pissed tho and the best part was as soon as I said it the room had that eerie silence and I could hear her friend laughing through the speaker end of the phone. Female Boss actually gave me attitude for the next couple days after that if you can believe it. At least The Plastic found it funny. Oh well, fuck it.

Jedi Mind Tricks

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Do I have to give any background on this expression? I'm a pretty big nerd, so yeah, I probably do. A Jedi Mind Trick, first of all, comes from Star Wars. Picture the scene where Obi Wan and Luke are in the desert, they approach the Storm Trooper guarding the city in the desert and Obi Wan waves his hand in front of the face of the Storm Trooper saying something and the Storm Trooper says exactly what Obi Wan said, get it? In the real world a Jedi Mind Trick is defined as a way to convince someone to think a certain way without effort. Its really big around people that have problems communicating, thinking and breathing rhythmically without making it a priority in their mind.

Its almost as if that very statement fits the mold of someone we know. Female Boss? Sure, why not..

I think this is a whole new level of consciousness. Female Boss had a meeting with a new Client at the Investment Property over the weekend, Saturday specifically. I guess Saturday is the same day that the house next door has their gardener come over to maintain the property. I have mentioned before but I'll mention again, for those that haven't read the entire blog or memorized all the ins and outs of the Investment Property, the lot the Investment Property sits on is not that big. The house next door, the one being worked on, is a corner lot. It is significantly larger and has a few pretty huge trees.

I seriously can't believe I am writing this.. its really sad. Female Boss is losing it. That's honestly what I fear at this point.

So two of the trees from the neighbor's yard really make a mess in our backyard. They shed large leaves year round. Female Boss complains about it pretty often. The genius of it all is she never says anything to them. My suggestion has always been to go next door and ask the guy to maybe trim em down a bit. They are very full trees and hacking off a few limbs couldn't hurt. Female Boss always agrees it is a good idea but never does anything about it. Basically she's scared.

So that Saturday, Female Boss musters up a revolutionary amount of courage.. explained to me using roughly the following statement:

"Oh! So Northe, get this, I was here Saturday and the gardeners were next door!"

I had no clue what significance that meant at the time so just stared blankly at my computer screen hoping for the swift death of as few brain cells as possible.

"You know how I hate those trees they have? Well.."

I interrupt her, "Oh nice, you told them to hack em down a bit?"

"No. I am so frustrated. Let me just tell you. I go into the backyard after the meeting and rake up the leaves as loudly as I can and start pruning the tree in the back."

Sidebar: Yeah. She said rake and loudly in the same sentence, and yes they have a lawn back there. How that is achieved I don't know. Furthermore, that tree she is referring to is a sapling at best. At best!

"I mean they must have seen me out there for a good 45 minutes before they left. They see me doing that stuff! I mean, come on, they didn't get the hint!? I don't even wanna talk about it. I don't know what else to do."

The final number of dead as far as my brain cells go is still undetermined. I think there are dozens still in the infirmary, still trying to hold on. Poor little guys. I don't have much hope for em but they'll go down fighting. No guys, no. I am not gonna go off on a rant about how dumb Female Boss is, how pressing upon her again that actually talking might be the best way to handle the situation or even that a letter would suffice. I'm just not. All that's gonna do is build up a lot of rage that might destabilize the brain cells in the ICU. Not gonna do it.

Fat and Itchy

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Oh, Pigfoot. He's as ripe one. Ripe as I've ever seen a dog that's for damn sure. Ol' Pigfoot doesn't really do much nowadays. He pretty much never moves. Female Boss is getting pretty pissy too. She is constantly checking up on him whenever she thinks about it and sure enuff he is on his comfy dog pillow just wallowing.

Oh yeah, Pigfoot is now pretty much indoors most of the time since his weight gain. To the average person this makes no sense. Why you ask? Bcuz Female Boss wants him to desperately lose weight but instead of keeping him out back with Puppy where he can get a good bit of exercise playing with her she keeps him inside to do nothing. The negative side of all this is that our once proud Usurper is now a lame duck. Pigfoot literally does nothing.

On a typical day before, I'd come into the office and he'd be either at the door to greet me or barking at me thru the screen door in the back to come play with him. Now, if I come in and he's already inside he barely lifts his chin to acknowledge me. He gives me this smug look proclaiming his rightful claim to the throne which he sits atop. I guess he has won. I never looked at it that way before. All the pooch wanted was some recognition and he's finally got it. What a fat fuck.

The funny part is, when he actually musters the will to expend the thousands of calories it must take to move his planetary girth, he'll come over to me and just stand there. I used to have no clue what Pigfoot wanted. I mean our normal reaction to a dog coming on over is to pat him on the head or something along those lines. Not Pigfoot. Pigfoot demands a proper scratching. I mean I can sit there and scrape him up and down with both of my hands and watch him melt like butter for a long time.

I recently bought a dog brush for him that I keep on top of my desk. Female Boss didn't understand why I would buy it but now she sees its potential. Pigfoot will come over, I will brush or scratch him pretty aggressively with it and he can hardly stand as he switches back paws scratching at dead air in response. Its frikkin hilarious. I guess all that extra skin and mass has really changed his day to day needs. Before it was chaos and mayhem, now its gorging and itchies. Poor, failed king.

A Bit of Fallout

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Coming off Friday's Post there was a bit of insight offered to me by Male Boss as to what may have caused the problem with the server. That's right guys, the now famous Master of In-Mail had the nerve to tell me what went wrong. I mean this guy musta been on an Ignorance I.V. the night prior. I mean lets face facts here, for him to even pretend like he knows what the fuck he is talking about when it comes to computers is ballsy enuff.. ignoring the fact that he is trying to tell me, of all people, what the deal is.

Like when he is giving out the in-mail address to clients or something like that. Male Boss can't even do that right! He's so computer illiterate that.. fuck it, just read this frikkin post again to refresh your memories. Gah! Its so frustrating. You can ask him where the mouse is chances are he's gonna be looking at the external hard drive! This is my fuckin Boss! Do you understand how ridiculous it all is!?

Now that I'm in a frenzy I can get to the immeasurable stupidity Male Boss brought forth. Again, the server had the problem. He comes back from a daytime meeting scratching his wooden head:

"Hey Northe, I think I know the problem there."

"Problem?" I ask having no clue what he's talking about at first.

"With the server, the power outing."

I suck in twice the wind of a normal breath and start to hold it in cuz if I breathe right after Male Boss says what he's about to say I may very well get infected with that virus that's eating away at his brain.

"I put in the music CD to listen to on your computer after you left and it didn't play right."

Still holding my breath.

"I think that might be what fucked it up, you know?"

Still holding.

"Its gotta be it. Not gonna use your computer to play the songs. I have the good speakers on my computer anyway."

Makes me want to go to work with a Bio Hazard suit on. I really like my brain. I have no means by which to defend it. Its depressing. Male Boss' stupidity is enuff to give hope to the most down trodden nations. Inspiration that there is always hope. Only in America, I suppose.

Fixin' to Fix Things

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

It's Thursday night, a quarter after eight, I get a phone call from Female Boss. Apparently she decided to work late at the Investment Property and of all nights for her to burn the candle at both ends the file server goes down. This means that all of our saved work that needs to be accessed by each of the computers in the office are no longer available. This blows. This is bad. The best part is Female Boss looks to me for a solution.. great.

Knowing that her frail mind has no clue what happens in the real world, I simply pass it off and tell her that I'll have to buy the part I need in the morning. I decide to toss in the old, "I'll probably be a little late" line. I grab myself a Snickers bar from the freezer (oh yeah bitches you know that's the shit) head to the local computer supply sodomy zone, pick up the part, return to the homestead in a good twenty minutes and turn off the old alarm clock for a well deserved sleep-in session. Looks like Northe wins again, right?

Let's see about that. I come into the office the next day about an hour later than normal. What!? Sorry, I do have a conscience as much as I hate to admit it and didn't want to abuse the situation more than necessary. Let that be a lesson to all of you tho.. if you take a foot rather than a yard you will have taken many a yard before an eyebrow is raised.

Hey, I think I'll get back to the story. I come into the office and the file server is unplugged. No problemo. I go into the actual office to turn on my computer for testing purposes. *click* no power.. upon closer inspection my computer is unplugged. Rather than rehook a few cables I head to the other workstation. *click* no power either, same thing. I decide that I'll plug in this other computer. I go to turn on the lamp to get some light behind the desk. *click* no power! What the fuck!

I take a look throughout the office. All lamps, phones, printers, both fax machines, the copy machine, both scanners and all the computers are unplugged. Everything is out of the wall jacks, even the surges.

Rewind to the previous night. As I trouble shoot over the phone with Female Boss before hanging up with her I tell her that it sounds to me like that there is a problem with the power supply. Basically the power source for the file server is done deal, which is what I bought from the electronics store. I tell her that in pretty much those exact words. So why is everything out of the walls and what not? Let's just ask Female Boss herself.

Answer: "Well you said there was a problem with the power supply so rather than having all the machinery in the office deplete it further I decided to unplug it all since we weren't gonna be using it till today."

Oh okay, I understand. So yeah, here ya go. I went to the computer store and picked up a power supply FOR THE FUCKING HOUSE, YOU NUT!

Wouldn't Expect Less

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I think I realize what my problem is at work, guys. I mean I used to be on top of the blog with tons of stories and all this material day in and day out but I can now pinpoint the specific thing that made that all change. I mean, I used to have Female Boss mutterings non-stop and yes they do still happen. Its a combination of me being lazy but also the fact that I purchased a phone a few months back that has iTunes on it. So that kinda kills my concentration. I now know the problem and will now seek a solution or at least put in some added effort to keep the material coming.

This one, back in the day, would be part of a three section Female Boss Short. Since I am a slacker, you get it as a regular post. :(

Out of the blue, Female Boss says, "Atleast the phones are dying down."

In typical fashion I treat what she says like a fart in church: I don't want to acknowledge it, I can't ignore it but it bothers the hell out of me. Then, I kinda think to myself, it really hasn't been that busy. I check the call logs. It reads: 5 phone calls in 3.5 hours. The day before that was Sunday so Female Boss can't possibly be talking about her own house phone, could she? I mean what prompts such a nonsensical thought? I swear she lives in a parallel universe.

Aggressive Language?

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Wow, slacking is pretty easy when you put your mind to it. Hell, half putting your mind to it makes a week go buy really quickly. Then I remember the important people, the Angry Timers. So a few bottles of Belvedere later, here I am. Let's get into it, then.

We have the usual office scenario brewing here. Its more or less the middle of the day. We have both Male and Female Boss front and center in the office. Everyone is pecking away at their respective keyboards and things are getting accomplished.

The silence is broken by a request from Female Boss to Male Boss to get an item of work completed for her. Realize that I said for her. Female Boss is asking for a favor from Male Boss. Male Boss huffs and puffs like a brat. This is a ritualistic game for these two. There is much complaining, shouting, sighing and guilt tripping before any ground is made on either end. The tide begins to turn in Female Boss' favor. Male Boss is still reluctant and bitchy. Male Boss whines for a few minutes longer but eventually gives in to Female Boss.

Its obvious that Male Boss did not want to do this for her. Its a task that doesn't take a lot of brain work but its fairly time consuming. There's no real way to get thru it without suffering through some boredom. So, like a good man, he let's it be known that what he did was not only arduous but completed.

"There you go," he sighs. "I am done. I'm gonna get outta here."

"Gee, thank you," responds Female Boss sprinkling a bit of sarcasm around.

"For what!?!? Why you tell me that!?"

I am pretty sure what he meant to say is why are you being such an ass in the way you are saying it, rather than what she said. Then again, maybe not. You can never tell with these two and assumptions only give them more credit than they likely deserve. I'll shut up now and go on.

"Oh stop it. Leave me alone, I have more of those forms to do."

"No you do not! Get the hell out of there. I do them!"

"Why don't you take your ass home instead?"

"Fine! So can you shut the fuck up now!"

The front door closes and Male Boss is gone. Too funny. I mean sure there was sarcasm in her tone but for the reaction to be what it was is just stupid. I don't know how many more times I can say that cuz this isn't stupid or crazy, irrational or insane.. the sad truth is that its normal. For fuck's sake what am I doing here..