Male Boss Loses It

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

We ended up getting a new Client. They represent some foreign nations unlike the majority of our Clients that represent mostly Americans. Sure you have some Clients that deal overseas or to the north and south of the border but its not too often when we get real deal first timers in the United States. This really isn't that important to the story but it kinda is so I had to mention it. Even still what transpires won't make any sense given the situation that unfolds.

We have Female Boss and I in the office working. Male Boss comes in super late to work today. Its already past noon and he is completely scattered. Female Boss doesn't really say anything except for hi. He is scrambling, not insanely but you can tell there is a certain pep in his step that is unlike his usual office entry. Then, Female Boss remembers.

"Oh, that new client. Don't you have a 1 o'clock pickup from the airport?"

Male Boss is very hesitant to even answer as he is grabbing papers and tossing them into his briefcase, "Yes. I think its fine, I should have plenty of the time when they land. They can do some waiting in customs."

"Well I think you should call them."

No answer from Male Boss.

"You gotta call them," says Female Boss again.

"I don't think so. They are from the Down Under or Englands or something."

Female Boss kinda cocks her head and gets that miffed look on her face.. you know the permanent look on my face whenever I am around this duo or in the office.. that look of nothing ever makes any sense here. That look of, sure that was a sentence constructed mainly of English but I doubt even you know what came outta your mouth. Welcome to the gates of the sanatorium, Female Boss, when you get inside you can seek me out. I'll be the one in the corner drooling happily while I wallow in a pool of my own feces.

Female Boss then questions him, "So bcuz of that they won't care that you are late?"

Bad move.

"How dare you say that! How dare you! What is wrong with you! You think its funny? You think that its funny!? I think you're a bitch!"

Male Boss takes a 2" binder and hucks it across the office against the wall behind him. The binder, on impact, opens and sends literally about 200 pieces of paper flying. Its really not a big deal. Male Boss is as harmless as a tit mouse but it just doesn't make any sense.. as you can tell.

As if nothing at all has happened, Male Boss broad jumps over the papers, "Ok, I will call them on the way there. I am late, see you after."

"Call who? Call the shrink? Cuz you need one," says Female Boss who gets up to clean up his mess.

The door closes. Male Boss is gone. Did any of this make sense? Is there any cause and effect that anyone could point out to me here that demonstrates rationality or levels of human intelligence. Fuck it, not even human intelligence, manitee intelligence. Any at all? Angry Time's answer: Nope.

What to Feed a Pig...

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I am kinda fast forwarding on the pig for just this story cuz it is something that had zero potential before but recent events have changed this. This happened about 2 weeks ago. It was the close of the work day. Male Boss phones into the office to speak with Female Boss about work. Somewhere along the way I would imagine that Male Boss mentions that he is going to the grocery store. Female Boss takes advantage of the situation and asks Male Boss to bring back some food for Dunkirt.

Now a pig is a pig is a pig, guys. Just about any and everything that I bring in that has a rind, a peel, a core, leftover crust.. anything it seems; gets tossed into the feed bowl of Dunkirt. Now don't get me wrong there are certain things a growing pig needs and we have some extra bags and bottles of stuff that are mixed in there along with other fresh ingredients. The best thing is that Dunkirt knows no end to his appetite. Its incredible how much he eats and how quickly he can inhale it all.

So with the new pig aboard, Female Boss, being the kind hearted soul that she is, is experimenting with different things. I suppose she is not only exploring Dunkirt's tastes, which are indiscriminate at the very least, but also looking for a more affordable way to keep the pig happy. This makes total sense? Their three dogs are treated like royalty for the most part so why not throw another contender in to participate in the struggle to be the one true king.

Female Boss gives Male Boss specific instructions, "Pick me up one of those mixed bags of greens. The pre-mixed stuff but make sure it has a variety of greens in it. Not the iceberg crap!"

As much as I'd love to report that Male Boss knows nothing about food and brings back something to the contrary of what Female Boss wanted, I cannot. In fact, Male Boss brings back a large bag of mixed greens. Something is definitely amiss here.

Then, dragging her knuckles, Female Boss comes into the kitchen, "What the hell is this?"

Female Boss picks up the bag with only her thumb and index finger glaring at the bag like Male Boss brought back a ziplock of bull semen. Male Boss is anything but pleased at her reaction, "You said mixed greens! These are bags mixed with variety. I don't know what the fuck you wants!"

Closing with, "You're welcome.." whispered just barely audible, "bitch." Guess he's pretty happy that he doesn't have to live with her.

Female Boss spouts off to me about the poor decision Male Boss made for the last 15-20 minutes I'm at the office. Female Boss attacked his intelligence and berated him till I left. It was insane. Then, she starts asking me if the bag of mixed greens would be something I would bring back based on her description. I know when to keep my mouth shut so I do. Now real quick, I am no expert at bagged salad but with my limited knowledge I think he made the best choice available. Maybe there is one other option that has multiple stuff in it that doesn't involve iceberg lettuce. Anyway, after much complaining I take off for the day and tuck this crap into the memory bank.

If Female Boss' usual bombastic reaction to anything wasn't enuff to toss into the piggy bank of empirical evidence of her lunacy; this happened on Friday:

Do you know my friend, Chakhtee? Well he came to visit and called before coming and wouldn't you know it, "Hey Chakhtee, can you do me a huge favor for Dunkirt?"

Uh huh, you guessed it.

"Can you bring me a bag of mixed greens from the grocery store on your way in, please? Its this mixed greens bag."

Blah, blah, blah. The bottom line is Female Boss told him to get the exact same bag Male Boss brought her a couple weeks back. While fastening her straitjacket securely she expresses her satisfaction with the product. About how its such a "healthy mix," "great variety of greenery," and "the best thing for Dunkirt." I mean I know women are crazy and flip the script non-stop based on their mood or the number of breaths they take in any given minute but this schizo shit is way outta of control and on a completely different level.

A Chameleon

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

No, no, no. We're not talking about the lizard here. We are talking about the type of person that is able to adapt and blend in to any situation, have calm during any amount of pressure and seem in control even when they know that they are not the sole controller. You know what I mean. Its that type of person that no matter how sticky things get they are the person that keeps things straight, the reality check, if you will.

Now who would be farther from that description, being a chameleon, than Female Boss? Then again maybe not. Maybe there are times when she can be so slick that she can fool every single one of you guys and myself included! Let's probe this further.

Setting up the scene she is on the phone with her friend. It is the usual day to day nonsense speak of infected baboons. Nothing relevant is being said. For a few moments there I coulda swore they talked about pistachios for a good four minutes.. no, I'm not kidding. I am debating a lobotomy in the next week or two so I can become a peer to my employers, any in-mail that highlights Pros or Cons on this decision are welcome.

As many things do in my world, the conversation turns toward irony. Female Boss is now on a self-aggrandizing kick about how she has made "progress" with the pooches. Progress? I have no clue what she is talking about so my AngrySense kicks in to start jotting down notes. Apparently she has been using some sort of psychological mind play against the dogs to communicate what she wants them to. Female Boss tells her friend that when at home she can "trick" them into doing the exact opposite of what they are doing. This is when it happens.

The gardener arrives at the property. I shit you not, no more than three seconds prior to him showing up, Female Boss had just boasted to her friend, "Well come on, they haven't even made a peep. They are absolute dolls, I mean listen to how quiet they are."

Then, hell breaks loose. There's something sinful in my appreciation for the situations in my life that take me on a journey from the plateau of ironic to the cliffs of sardonic. I recline back in my chair and watch the fireworks. Mind you, Female Boss is not in the actual office room right now, she is a couple rooms over facing the backyard so her friend gets to hear the full brunt of the dogs going bonkers. Now after such an outstanding report on the dogs, the last thing Female Boss would want to do is admit defeat. So now what? Stuck between a rock and a hard place, what is the logical thing to do? Indeed, friends. Queue the chameleon!

"What's that guys? Oh do you see a bird outside? Is that a bird?"

Again, dogs going ballistic out here. Loud as shit. Female Boss still standing by the sliding glass door drowning off every pathetic means of communication in a deluge of barking and growling.

"No? Is it a puppy? Do you guys hear a puppy?"

Moments later and over a fevered pitch of more madness coming from the dogs, "Okay, I gotta go."

Well played, Female Boss, well played.

What of Thine Pig!?

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Oh guys. I know I have been dished a few in-mails as of late to get some info regarding said pig from before, Sir Dunkirt. Again, hiatus and laziness has delayed some great stories regarding this new unknown at the office. So what better way to get the show on the road than diving right in? So let's do exactly that.

Lemme give you some Dunkirt specs for those too lazy to read the above link in detail. Currently he is about the length of 1 and a half footballs and shaped very similarly. He's a little guy. His skin is soft as shit and he loves playing! Its just the best ever. Remember this is time lapse delayed guys. I have a good dozen stories to catch up on that have happened in the last 5 months so he will develop and grow before your very eyes here on Angry Time.

One of the first days after taking on this pig, Dunkirt, wouldn't you know it we have some supreme jealousy forming at every end of this frikkin place. Male and Female Boss both decided that they trade off evenings with Dunkirt until he is grown enuff to stay "more permanently" at the Investment Property. I would imagine this guy is gonna get pretty frikkin big considering he's literally a feed hog or some shit. Let's not worry about that now and just talk about the scenario.

Female Boss thought it would be a good idea to let Dunkirt meet the dogs. He isn't that big but the guy weighs a good amount, he's also pretty strong and quick. So the first thing Female Boss does, guided by the hand of stupidity itself, is drops Dunkirt down at her feet with all the dogs around her jumping up and barking. If you have never witnessed an orchestrated descending of predator upon prey this would have been a great scene for you to see. All three dogs just go apeshit on this poor guy.

Sidebar: If you have never heard a pig squeal and I mean squeal, prepare your eardrums cuz that shit is insanely loud.

I think Pigfoot clamped on to his back leg while The One just went for the face. Puppy for some reason was using her front paws to pummel him. I guess its kinda like the friend that doesn't ever throw down with the boys when shit is rough and rugged but will throw some phantom punches when the fight is in your favor so at the end of it all he can pretend like he did something. So Female Boss is screaming her ass off. I kicked Pigfoot pretty damn hard to get him off Dunkirt and then scooped him up off the ground away from The One's biting and Puppy's forceful patting.

Poor Dunkirt was wriggling like a maggot in my grip but I was able to hold onto him and get him into the kitchen sink to run some water on him. Amazingly he calmed down pretty quickly. He had several cuts and what not but he's a tuff mofo. Pigs are pretty solid animals, so it didn't take him too long to get back into the swing of things. I'm trying to think back, I think this was within the first week of having him. So from the start, poor Dunkirt is forced to fit right into this madness. Its a shame he is being raised by a pair of idiots.

New Car Blues

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Since I took my hiatus last month I have a lot of catching up to do. This one happened a ways back. Male Boss bought a new car this year. Pretty monumental thing since his last car he bought I think 8 months prior. No joke. However, his latest splurge in greenbacks has not only given Female Boss a dose of jealousy but also inspired her to keep up with Male Boss. So wouldn't you know it, not but 4 days later, Female Boss traded in her car of formerly 6 years for a brand spankin new car. Ever since the purchases the two have been competing with their cars. Constantly trying to get little custom crap and what not. Frivolous nonsense I say but to each their own.

The reality of it is, we all know that when you buy a new car you are gonna be hit with some bad luck, right? I have seen it too many times, an accident, a ding, a paint chipping, a rock flying up and cracking a windshield. All the time, its the worst. Its what makes buying new cars fulfilling and enraging at the same time but we always do it and comeuppence is always had. The only question now is how this effects both Male and Female Boss having bought cars within a short period of time? Let me answer it for ya.

Flat, asphalt paved, concrete sidewalk, easy-does-it neighborhood. That's where the Investment Propety is located. Male Boss, for a couple months before getting his new car, has parked in the driveway of the Investment Property, Female Boss has been parking on the street. If you're facing the house, Female Boss parks on the right hand side of the driveway. This trend does not stop. The next week after Female Boss gets her new car, Male Boss backs out the driveway and dings her car. Nothing big but still hits it. Female Boss freaks out on him.. rightfully so. My reaction is pretty puzzled, not really as he has done it before, but still.. I mean, come on. Its a fuckin stationary obstacle. How do you manage to clip it?

Literally a week and change later, Male Boss again backing out of the driveway dings her car again. These are both brand new automobiles, both sustaining damage, both times by Male Boss and both times in stupid ass situations. Female Boss flips out and starts telling him that he is gonna have to pay for the damage now. Male Boss tells her to eat it and business continues as usual. My reaction is now jaw dropping and mind boggling to the lack of attention it requires to hit a parked car.. twice.

I would say in about the same time frame, Male Boss hits Female Boss' car again! In the process, he spilled a paper cup of cream of broccoli all over his new interior. The best part is that he called up absolutely furious at Female Boss while still in the driveway. Why mad at her I have no clue. Probably just needed to vent his frustration that he wasn't given a fully evolved brain.

Now for the best part ever. That next morning Female Boss comes in to the office at about a quarter to twelve. Female Boss comes in and tells Male Boss that she parked on the opposite side of the driveway. That would be the left hand side now if you're facing the house. So apparently he backed out and in his words, "The god damn steering failed" and he hit the car AGAIN! Two days in a row, no less. Just insane. The kicker is that he refuses to pay for any damage and both of their cars have paint rubs, dings, chips and scratches on their front and back ends. Just unbelievable. I fuckin love it.

Why Is It Like That?

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Why is it that sometimes when someone does something its so repulsive you can only feel that burning rage deep within? Over stupid shit too.. irrelevant shit that you have heard many times over or variations of which, but when it comes out of that one person's mouth you just start seething. Its that hatred that is beginning to brew at work for me. I guess not really hatred its more of an intolerance. Its the every day lunacy that drives the mind to indifference but also to madness. So which is it then? Or is it both constantly dueling? What does it matter? You guys aren't here for a discussion of the theoretic. You're here for some anger.

Now I might be reaching for something to bitch about here but I think I am just in my frustration and if I'm not, eat a dick. So I was talking to Female Boss about her weekend and supposedly she went to some buffet. I don't even remember what else she was talking about or what happened thereafter. The only thing that stuck in my head was the way she said the word "buffet." I didn't even know there was a different way to say the damn word! How ignorant am I?

Female Boss pronounced it Boof-ay. Boofay? What? Are you French? What the hell is a boofay? I think the reason it pisses me off so much is cuz I already know that she isn't that bright and all of sudden she has taken on a way to say a word that I have not only grown accustomed to saying a certain way but a word that is cherished in the world of normal guys. We hear the word "buffet" and get excited. We know we can gorge with no regret! Its a good thing. Then to hear it butchered and turned into some monstrosity as boofay just sickened me. What the hell was at this boofay anyway? Fuckin lace doilies and fuckin orange spiced mini muffins or some shit!? What the fuck? Boofay.

The only correct use of Boof is to describe Michael J. Fox's love interest in Teen Wolf! Indeed friends, Teen Wolf. How's that for a kick ass way to end the post in some good time reflections of youth and amazing cinema! Happy Friday!

Do Things Your Way, Huh?

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

There was a time back where I listened to Female Boss' recommendation on how to summarize a certain report that we use here at the office. I remember fighting tooth and nail with her on altering the specific way I had tailored the summarization report bcuz I felt that it was just a smarter way to handle it. My superior intelligence is not the point of this post tho.

Basically Female Boss came up with a way for me to handle certain phrases and what not for said report. Like I said, I resisted, but eventually gave in cuz hey she signs my check. What can I do? I can only argue my case for so long and if she doesn't agree.. well I gotta do what she feels is best.

Time passes and I am adapted to her way of writing the report. I have even improved upon it somewhat and she couldn't be happier. Like most things in life, the happiness fades. Female Boss starts bitching more and more about the same report. Not any of the other charts, graphs or summaries that we do. Only this one. So I figured I would take some preemptive action and nip the problem in the bud before things got worse. Read as: Female Boss starts annoying the living shit out of me.

Well, after careful scrutinization something floated to the surface that seemed familiar. In fact, a number of the "new" recommendations that she made happened to be the old style that I used some months prior. I kinda pretended to boggle at the situation and Female Boss was predictable enuff to take the bait.

"Hah nothing, its just that its very similar to how I used to do it," I commented

"No, that's not how we used to do it."

We? You're right its not the way "we" used to do it its the way I used to do it.

"Sure it is check it out," I tells her.

See kids, comeuppence has its king and his name is Northe. Anything that I do in this company I document and make multiple saves of when I am asked to alter things from report to report. That way when fruitcakes question my authoritah I am able to whip out the pipe and slam it on the desk for all to gawk at. Female Boss didn't have much to say after that, I just sat back like a fat Spaniard with a dish of chocolates in his lap. That's right Angry Timers, I win again.

Its Not That Difficult

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I just don't even know where to to start this one, its just utterly frustrating. Its like shoving someone on fire into a room doused in gasoline, you can't lose. There's no way to dance around the fact that Angry Times are gonna be had cuz Female Boss has lost all sense of mental direction. This has to do with something so simple that I would guess that most pre-schoolers wouldn't have to second guess the situation.

Basically a few weeks back we had a printer problem. We have four printers in our office.. well I guess technically five. We have a fifth one out in the sitting room area just in case Male Boss is too lazy to get up I can have the document print to that one. I mean how insane is that!? But that's another beast we'll have to flay another day. This day, I fix this printer problem by declaring, "The printer is dead."

Male Boss asks me if I am sure. I pull out the trump card cuz I don't feel like getting into anything technical with these people anymore.. ever. "Well we can probably fix it but it will cost as much as the printer itself."

Male Boss quickly jumps onto my bandwagon. Female Boss, shockingly, doesn't have much to say about the predicament. So I dismantle it and take it out to the trash. The end of the day draws near and wouldn't you know it, Female Boss' printer is in need of a fresh ink cartridge. She heads over to the cabinet where we keep our office supplies. I can almost see the lethal dose of projectile asshattery hit her square in the mug as she pulls the cabinet doors open.

"So, wait a sec. I can use this ink with my printer right?" she asks.

"Yeah, all of the printers we have are the exact same," I answer smugly.

There is only one type of ink in the fuckin cabinet and she has been using the same fuckin ink in her printer the entire time I have been here! I mean come on!

"What about with your printer?"

I imagine she is asking about my printer bcuz it was the last one we bought but that doesn't excuse the stupid question, "Yeah. All the printers are the same."

"Okay! So we are finally good on ink compatibility! Cool!!"

How do you reason with an insect? Cuz that's what it feels like trying to get thru to Female Boss. I don't have the ability or the patience. The sad thing is, in all honesty, after all that, I doubt she understands the situation.

Top Ten Tips - Part III

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Sidebar: This is the third and final post regarding this series of posts. Please check the prior posts before reading this one. Yesterday's and the day's before for you slow types.

So pretty much at the end of reading that pile of crap I figured this couldn't be the way that all these Top Ten lists that are thrown up on AOL are, right? Well about two days later I catch glimpse of another Top Tenner and I gotta check it. Not just outta the curiosity but the frikkin subject was king:

Top Ten Ways to Stop Road Rage

Holy crap! Now if these fucks couldn't even give me useless advice when it comes to hotels, what the hell is this one gonna say!? I go in with mad apprehension and a more twisted outlook on it all.

The #1 tip on this genius' list is "Get Adequate Sleep." Did I mention that these "guides" are riddled with third grader suggestions? I'm tellin' ya, you guys don't understand. Someone had to have seen this shit and was actually impressed enuff to want to proceed with this and then publish it!! Someone was taken aback with the knowledge dropped on em! Its fucking pathetic. If you have a driver's license and aren't bright enuff to put this together on your own then you're a fuckin idiot, or an L.A. driver. If you're an L.A. driver your time is comin cuz pretty soon I am gonna fix a grenade launcher to the side of my car to start "solving" traffic problems.

The best is what the writer goes off on next. He turns the fuckin article into an intervention. I didn't write down the frikkin title of the number on the list but here's a quote that I jotted down, "aggressive drivers shouldn't try to prove themselves on heavily traveled thoroughfares." What! Thoroughfares!? If you think you just connected with "aggressive" drivers by using a word like that I think you missed the target all together. If "aggressive" drivers relate to "thoroughfare" I'd be more likely to address the fact that they shouldn't be riding up along side each other trying to exchange Grey Poupon or some shit! Thoroughfares! You mother fucker, I'd have said, "Hey King Shit, stop playing bob and weave on the freeway at rush hour or I'll kill you myself." That's probably why I don't write for prestigious companies and why the only place my opinion has a home is on the internet... where millions more pointless opinions are scattered.

Oh, the intervention isn't over yet guys. I shoulda checked to see if this was a girl writing this article cuz it sure as fuck sounds like one. "Periodically roll down the window and breathe deeply and slowly." Isn't this some shit you can see your wife or girlfriend telling you!? What females don't understand is when a guy is pissed off, the last thing you do is tell us how to act. Hearing this during a fit of road rage would definitely take my foot off the break.. in order for me to use my right leg to kick her right the fuck out the passenger door. Seriously tho, if you have to breathe deeply to deal with anything you got some fuckin problems. Seek help. I'm dead serious, that's just sad.. maybe you were raised by a gaggle of hippies.. who knows.

Then my fuckin favorite quote outta this shit, "Use restaurant etiquette." If I knew how to spell the way I yell when I am ripping out someone's eyeball you'd insert that here. What in the holy hell is "restaurant etiquette!?" Whose restaurant etiquette? We talkin the finger lickin lip smack etiquette? The etiquette when you're drunk and hungry as shit in some greasy spoon at 5am? No, no I know. We're talkin the fuckin' Grey Poupon thoroughfare etiquette, right? The Ruth's Chris etiquette that I never get to exhibit cuz I can't afford $150 dinners! Restaurant etiquette to me is when some dumbfuck asks my 11 year old if she wants a kid's menu I answer them with, "No she's hungry enuff to eat a whole grilled cheese sandwich today."

These fuckin' ephemeral geniuses. These fuckin' touchy-feely bitch people. What kind of advice is this? You think anyone relates to this shit? Really, you do? Well I would bet you a tainted murder weapon that needs a set of prints on it that the eunuch that does relate doesn't ever get road-fucking-rage. I'm talkin hittin a family on the curb for points and actually swerving into them to see the reaction. No road rager deals with common sense, that's why its road rage you idiot! Its fuckin Angry Time behind the wheel of a manslaughter mobile! Fuckin ridiculous.

You wanna curb road rage? The number one piece of advice is, "If you often have road rage don't drive!" That's how you stop road rage. Number two "carpool." Number three "break up with your significant other." Number four "get yourself a significant other." Number five "work from home." That's it. Just give them the realness. You don't even need a top ten! Oh wait, wait. They do.. cuz at the end of the article this idiot gives you a slew of links to further investigate causes of road rage. Yes, further reading advised by this baron of dementia.. yes, please.. sage advice and then more sage advice based on what this idiot's opinion qualifies as sage advice. Just dumb me down so I can either tolerate this shit or have a cush lifestyle getting paid to write such irrelevant bullshit.

Top Ten Tips - Part II

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Sidebar: This is a continuation of yesterday's post so either scroll down or click the corresponding date on the right side bar.

Just as I ready myself for some real information I am hit with slogan after slogan and catchphrase after mindless babble resulting in nothing but what a family of cockroaches would consider relevant communication. Some quotable phrases that caught my eye in the article are as follows:

"Call in advance"

Well there's a fuckin doozy! Who'da thunk of that brilliant one. More importantly, what would possess the writer of this masterpiece to share such astounding and priceless information with mere mortals!? Why not put the fuckin gem in a vacuum tube and launch it out to space in the hopes that an ultra-intelligent invader will come across it and spare our pathetic existence by offering them something they could have never thought of on their own!? Fuck! You fuckin nitwit! It gets better!

"Don't stay at a 5 star hotel on a 2 star budget, find diamonds in the rough instead!"

So basically what this jackass is telling you is not a tip on getting cheap hotel rates! Its worthy of some shit you might hear a hobo muttering to himself as he tries to figure out which hole his finger smells like most today! The fact that this shit is even a published column is sickening to me. It makes my blood boil that someone actually either 1) contracted the hotel bargain sleuth of all time to write a one time piece that will shatter all previous "Ten Tips on Cheap Hotel Rates" lists the world has ever seen or 2) someone actually thought this clod was bright enuff to hire and pay a salary so they can, and I use the word loosely, earn a living and continue to survive in this world rather than letting him starve on the street as he should! Pick your fuckin poison. Either way, if you didn't get the job over this idiot I hope you died long ago. Oh, moving on.

"Ask if there are any special promotions coming up."

Wait wait wait. So lemme get this straight here. When I am on a quest to find cheap hotel rates I should actually communicate that to the person from the hotel so that they can better serve my needs!? Why, that's just fuckin crazy talk! Why on earth would anyone want to speak clearly and concisely let alone to another human being that might possibly be in a situation to help you!? Holy lord please someone nominate this fellow to take the throne of the world and get it over with. What a maroon!

Oh and don't worry this series of posts isn't over yet. Part III comes tomorrow cuz I came across that 2nd top ten list that was just enuff to get me to write up this whole daisy and reinvigorate the anger that you people have grown to love. Thanks to the idiots in the world this blog will never die.

Top Ten Tips - Part I

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Let's talk idiocy and money. No where in the world than in the United States do you see more idiots with shit tons of money. Am I right or am I right? For example, god bless the guy I am about to talk semi-shit about, but this dude was probably a C to D student back in high school, right? Dude is now a multi-millionaire, I'm talkin multi. Now granted he is not an idiot bcuz he lacked school smarts and he's really not that big of an idiot when it comes down to it but I gauranfuckintee you that there are plenty of idiots that he has to deal with that contribute to him making that much cash. He's a friend of mine and I definitely don't hate on him for being successful. Its just pretty crazy when you see life unfold in such a curious way.

Going on, there's just a fuckton of idiots out there.. a bunch of Angry Timers and I were talking about this weekend. Some jackhole sat there and sold that fuckin no-creativity involved website known as MySpace for over a half a billion dollars. Yeah mother fucker, ba-ba-ba-billion! For what? For throwing some jackass code up on the non-existent ether where people can post photos and write messages? Talk about the most basic shit ever. He's not the idiot tho, the idiots are those that pay out that kinda cash am I right? Probably not cuz those fuckin idiots get paid by advertisers who think that being affiliated with what has now become an internet juggernaut will make them rich. Well guess what, it won't you idiots. Or maybe I'm the fuckin idiot. I'll know before I die thats for sure.. meanwhile all the people that I talk shit about surpass me in every aspect of life possible. Isn't that some shit..

So anyways, moving on even further the whole reason I wanted to post this shit is cuz you can make money doing the stupidest fuckin crap in the world. Here's a great example. Since I am plagued with having to use AOL at my work I get to read the most mind numbing articles and headlines that you can imagine during downtime. I read em cuz sometimes there is literally nothing left to do but the question remains.. Why you rejects subscribe to AOL for your internet service is beyond me. You can download Instant Messenger fruits, get a clue! There is nothing else AOL provides for you that you can't get anywhere else and probably done better. So here was the first of two "Top Ten Suggestion" links that I happened to sift thru like a baboon does his own shit:

Top Ten Tips on Cheap Hotel Rates

Now I hope you all can understand why I would click on this. Everyone is looking for a bargain especially come summer time. Its time to get away for a minute and stop sucking in the air that Los Angeles' cappuccino skies offer. Sure my lungs are stronger than yours bcuz of it *cough* but sometimes they need a break.. kinda like Barry Bonds rubbing cream on his body.. come off season maybe you don't need the daily application. So I click this shit hoping that maybe theres some insightful info headed my way. How stupid of me, of course there isn't.. instead its AOL Failed Journalist meets Suze Orman's guide to common sense and third grader logic.

Check this shit. They give you "Top Ten" tips and my only regret is that I didn't take more copious notes including the actual Top Ten for you guys to marvel at and fax to your financial advisors as to why AOL stock is going to triple over these astounding revelations. My bad. So here ya go, time for the gems. I wrote this down first so I imagine it was probably the #1 Tip for Cheap Hotel Rates:

"Shop around for good deals."

I shit you not. So basically from the get you are hit with something that is so half-cocked that not only could a beached whale offer you that advice but its essentially telling you that no answers are within this entire article! Its a cop out! If you'd have said, "call hotels on the third night once the summer solstice has passed" then you'd be giving some fuckin advice that Joe Averagepants wouldn't know about getting a deal on a hotel, but telling me to shop around is worthy of taking an axe to the knee cap, you dumbfuck!

Well hey, I ran a little long in the beginning there with the rant. So let's just end it here as the starting tidbit of what will be a three part series. Part II Next Time!

Back From Vacation!

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

No, not me kids.. Female Boss. Me? No, not vacation.. I'm just lazy when it comes to writing lately, I dunno why. The gumption tank is at an all-time low. I'll see what I can do about it but no promises, but hey thanks for checking in!

So Female Boss had her week-long vacation. Now we all know the vacation syndrome when you come back to the office. Well, hold on a sec, when I say "we" its completely unknown to me cuz for the past 7 years I have yet to have a [b]real[/b] vacation like Female Boss just took off. So let me start again. You all know the vacation syndrome when you come back to the office, the kinda rusty feeling of trying to get back into the swing of things that really don't matter to you aside from being a task that happens to provide you with sustenance and hopefully a means to afford entertainment. Well that state of being was just introduced to me in the office yesterday morning.

In strolls Female Boss looking as refreshed as ever. She was in a really good mood and that's all good cuz that means she won't be buggin me over some bullshit. So we approach mid day and a phone call comes thru. She needs me to look up some old spreadsheet info so walks over to my computer, while she is on the phone, and tells me to bring up the file. I do. Then she kinda leans in to look over my shoulder. At first fearing infection from physical touch, My Spidey Sense quickly takes over and tells me that Female Boss wants to take it from there so I scoot my chair over and give her free reign on my computer.. even if its just a safety precaution. Female Boss takes the mouse and goes to the right slide bar to click it down.

*click*

*click*

*click*

Nothing. Curious..

*click*

She gestures for me to do it. I take over and all is well and good. That's the first lesson of dual piloted planes guys. Let the Captain stay in control. Female Boss walks away not even knowing, likely anyway, what she was doing wrong. So getting back to that whole vacation syndrome thing I guess when inferior minds are struck with it they forget how to use a mouse. Female Boss was clicking all right, except not either of the regular mouse buttons, instead she was clicking the Mouse Wheel. Smert!