Another Tongue Lashing

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Male Boss and Female Boss have been at it. Rather than trying to filter the shit and get it down to a size that would complement my Boss Warfare style of post I'd rather give it to you complete and uncut. The beauty of these two is that no matter what the verbal exchange is between them, moments if not seconds later, its like nothing happened. Well.. that or they hold grudges for days on end but only during certain times or when certain subject matter is discussed. I really cannot begin to unravel the enigma of idiocy strands in DNA so I'll shut up now and get to the gettin.

It all started with a simple question, albeit a sarcastic question. Male Boss asks Female Boss, "Can I take The One with me back to my apartment?"

A little background, since Male Boss is from some crazy country where he calls his condo an apartment. I don't get it but whatever, his apartment and The One.. sure buddy, it ain't happening. Female Boss starts questioning his intentions with thoughtless crap that I didn't mind writing down. Laziness is unfortunately a factor when it comes to Angry Time, sorry guys you lose there. However, after the third or fourth ridiculous query from Female Boss, Male Boss just starts laughing his ass off at Female Boss cuz he's just fuckin with her and she's too dim to realize it. So what better way to embarrass yourself further than going bananas.. I think that's the gist anyway in this office.

"Oh I see. You are just fucking with my mind, making me actually think that you care about The One when you don't give a flying fuck, right?"

Male Boss just laughs from the sitting room couch like a kid. The flames of embarrassment are yet to char every shred of nobility left in Female Boss so she continues on her mission of torching herself. This time stepping the anger up with a little bit of the rattling voice you get when adrenaline surges thru your system right before you slam that pick axe into your foe's forehead.

"Oh you're so funny, Male Boss. I see how you love to fuck with me and aggravate me. You think you're so bright and funny. Well guess what? You're an asshole. It's not funny and no one is laughing. Asshole, that's all you are. An asshole."

Male Boss starts to take offense. I mean why not stoop down to the same level as Female Boss, right? No one is here besides Northe and he ain't telling anyone shit. Indeed.. continue.

"Sorry I like to rape you Female Boss. I like to rape you from time to time and I love it. Its your dumb dog anyway, he can't be without you. You fucked up with him and he can't help but be a pussy. So don't worry, you keep your dog and I keep my sanity."

There are times in life when things just happen at the perfect time to drive the point home without saying another word. This happened to be one of those times as The One started crying like a hyena pup searching for his mother's teet.

"See look. Listen to him. Stupid fucking dog you has," says Male Boss.

Male Boss didn't need to say it but he did. It kinda just put the exclamation point on the end of the sentence as if to let her know that her idiocy has fostered a crazy dog. A dog that is so screwed in the head that he can hardly function without an umbilical cord. Must suck. For us tho, we reap the benefits.

Payback

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

There haven't been many worthy scenarios for some Boss Warfare continuations aside from the norm. The norm consists of minute long spats, snide remarks.. dozens and dozens too many to recant and write down. I try to get you guys the juicy shit. I usually fail but you keep coming back. Good lookin out.

Female Boss decided to get some serious payback on Male Boss for this last Chakhtee appearance. The way she did it was fairly marginal but it worked wonders apparently. Male Boss tends to call from the field quite a bit when not with a client. He calls in with a bunch of ridiculous questions. I honestly think he is just looking for something to do or someone to call cuz the relevance of the information is not worthy of his urgency. He really doesn't listen as he tends to call back and confirm answers to questions throughout the day.. same questions, same day. Another habit of highly effective people I assure you.

So, this time, Male Boss calls in and Female Boss picks it up. Before long I am seeing a pattern in this conversation. Female Boss keeps asking the question, "Why?" Not just asking it, but asking it with a super air-headed/condescending tone. Its great. This is something I thought Female Boss would be incapable of doing. I am pleased. This is good.

To switch it up from time to time, Female Boss starts asking Male Boss questions.. likely in the middle of his talking. Whenever Male Boss answers, (read as: takes the bait) Female Boss starts up with the Why's again. Non stop. Literally going on 10 minutes. It could be any question. Such as, What are you wearing? Followed up by, Why? Male Boss is either fuming mad or laughing his ass off. Either way, the guy doesn't give up. He refuses to hang up the phone to end the conversation with her. I don't think there was one relevant thing said from Female Boss' end of the conversation the entire time. Only her mocking.. for 10 minutes. I'm sorry but if you're dumb enuff to stay on the phone with the woman while she's giving you hell, albeit a very frail version of hell, you deserve it.

Whoa, Easy There Lady

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Well Female Boss is at it again with the craziness. I think she could be borderline insane, if not, a full blown mental hospital escapee. Its that type of shit when someone is just hell bent on not letting something go. Female Boss is this all day. Something sets her off and its grudge time. Not just the subliminal bullshit but much like the last story I wrote before this one. Its the way she handles it that is really frustrating.. she harps on it.. out loud.. and won't let it go. I really don't think she knows she is doing it and for the amount of time she is doing it for. Its crazy.

The other day Male Boss was "raping" her as he puts it and set up a shanty town under her skin for the entire morning. I didn't write down what initialized it all but I think Male Boss was going off on the phone with his friend about how Female Boss used to be a server in a restaurant and how some guy once tried to sue her or something. Female Boss gets bright fuckin red and goes ballistic over the fact that he is sharing this information with someone she doesn't even know. You know, much like what I am doing here ;)

Female Boss starts screaming at him. I am talking slit my wrist and red cottage cheese pours out type screaming. The type of screaming that will petrify your runny stool. This sets off Demonseed.. what he does pretty much dwarfs her screeching. Once the ringing in my ears subside I am able to catch up on writing down the details of the aftermath.

Male Boss, after hanging up the phone with his friend, leaves Female Boss with the side comment of, "I'm gonna take a shit and see if you can calm down after that."

That was apparently the last straw in my fucked up work-a-day world. Female Boss comes into the office absolutely seething. She is still bright red in anger. She takes a seat at her desk and the muttering ensues.

"Fuck you."

"Fuck you."

"Fuckin asshole. Fuck."

"He's such an asshole. Fuckin inconsiderate."

"He just wants to piss me off."

"Fucking shit."

"Fuck."

This went on for a good dozen minutes. I mean, I apologize for doing a double post on the same type of subject two days in a row but fuck. I mean what the hell? I have never been that frustrated listening to her stupid, nonsensical rantings in my life and trust me.. that's saying something.

More Preemption

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Sorry guys I have so many stories that I need to dish out but every day there seems to be something that comes up that just pains me physically. So I am writing a new one here today while I am at work. I just have to get it off my chest. Get what off my chest? The stupidity, the nuisance, the madness of it all. Its like most days coming in here.. there is something foul in the air that alters life. Sure, I deal with rejects outside of work but the sheer number of and the numerous doses I get every hour, on the hour, are just off the charts. Its dumb, truly it is. Just plain dumb.

I have been sitting here doing my thing, handling business as usual. Female Boss is in here with me. She arrived early this morning, on time, quite a change from the normal thus far. However, my arrival to the edge of madness was right on schedule. I rarely get a break here, if I could, I would spend hours of work just writing stories of the trivial things that happen but alas I cannot.

I marked the start time when this started happening. Female Boss starts asking questions out loud. I am the only person in the room.. I assume she is talking to me but I do not answer. Not a one. The questions are procedural questions about the clients we deal with, the type of things that I would have no clue of what the answer would be. Questions on how they file or document each of our dealings with them. Insane shit. This went on for 37 minutes. When I say 37 minutes I am not talking about a question per few minutes. I am talking like a normal conversation. Literally about 200 sentences and questions were uttered by Female Boss within this time frame. Comments included. Surreal.

I just don't understand, if no one is answering you or even acknowledging your words why would you continue to speak? Why not clam the fuck up and keep the thoughts and shit inside your own head? Northe isn't gonna answer you, crazy lady, comprende? Shut the fuck up and handle your business! Leave my 3 foot radius of sanity unscathed. I beg of you.

The Reveal and The Victor!

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Well I must say this has been a great weekend for Angry Time as I had to search thru 39 entries "Wheel of Forture Style" since no one was even close, which is what I predicted to begin with. No one got one word right. In fact, most entries were only 3 words when there were four words on the message. Yes, thats right, down there at the bottom where it says: "best call back time" - that is not what its used for. Message pads are a blank canvas to Male Boss. Anything goes and everything on them is meaningless!

Judging: The way I did the judging was based on each individual word. Every word sent to me from a contestant versus the according word on the message. There were only two people that got 4 letters right on the first word. The mean was 2 by far. Well, so on and so forth. Like I said, there were four words and very few ppl entered four words as an answer so you guys got trucked by the keener Angry Timers.

The Victor: The winner by a mind boggling 3 whole letters was Commissioner Phelps! To put it into perspective, Phelps had 11 total letters correct out of a possible 19 unique letters.

Phelps' answer: "I think it is "Something for Me" with "Yesterday" at the bottom."

Though a "winning" guess per se, it was no where near the real answer. By the way Phelps, in-mail me your home addy.

The Reveal: I know you guys have been itching at the thought of finally seeing what Male Boss wrote on the sticky pad and best things do come to those who wait. So here it is, the message reads as follows:

"Sunshine Term Meet" "Studio"

Yes Angry Timers, you were all sorely, pathetically to the point of embarassingly wrong. I'll do another contest here in the future since I received so many entries and everyone seemed to have a great time doing it. Thanks to all those who participated in making Angry Time's first contest a success and I hope more of you chicken shit trolls participate in the future. Tomorrow we'll go back to our regularly scheduled Angry Time. Farewell folks!

The Contest Below

After 14 entries last night no one has gotten a single word right. I may have to go off of the correct number of letters in each guess. So get your entries in! Send in multiple ones! Try harder! WIN!

A Glimpse

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

This isn't staying up here for long guys. Its too close to reality and could easily be the ammunition that I don't want to have used against me but sometimes I feel the need to share something this intimate. The only thing deleted are phone numbers and a number of an address. Male Boss wrote this message. These are all words.

-=Img Src Taken Away For Anonymity Reasons. Thanks To Those Who Played!=-

For anyone that can decipher the words and send the answers to my email:

northe@gmail.com

I will personally mail to you a $5.00 Best Buy Reward Zone Gift Certificate. The deadline for this will be Sunday at midnight. If it comes down to no one getting the full answer then I will send it to the person that was closest or if my suspicions are right, to the only person that gets one word right. Its sad but yes, I can read everything written here cuz this is the way Male Boss writes. Tangible, visual insanity for you guys. Nothing but the best for Angry Timers.

Chakhtee Visits

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Do you know my friend Chakhtee? That asshat comes by to visit the other day. Its late afternoon and we're in End of the Day Mode. Male Boss is in the sitting room pretending to watch TV while taking a nap. Female Boss just went into the restroom. Just as I am starting to browse the internet, while I have the opportunity to avoid work, the dogs break the silence with their alerting of an intruder. We can easily deduce that either an intruder has come in, maybe even someone they know or absolutely nothing is going on and they just feel like making noise.. any of these examples generates the same response.

After a couple minutes barking, the sheer annoyance of it all, leads me to realize that someone could very well be on the property and since Male Boss is knocked the fuck out I might as well do the investigating. I head out back, nothing. I go to the side of the house and I see Chakhtee poking around on the ground. Literally. He has a stick in his hand and he's poking at the ground.

"What's up Chakhtee?" I startle the poor guy.

"Oh hey, Northe. Is Male Boss around?"

"Yeah, lemme get him."

I head back inside and wake up Male Boss. This is when the fun starts. He practically shits his pants when I wake him up. He accidentally drops this metal piece of artwork off the sitting room table and it goes crashing to the ground with no damage. The effect of Male Boss being startled is the dogs are now freaked out due to the bang and really start going insane, much worse than before.. as hard as that may be to envision. Demonseed, king of noise making, deems the time right to chime in as well. Amidst the chaos, Male Boss heads outside and a conversation of yelling starts taking place between Male Boss and Chakhtee to overcome the noise coming from inside the investment property. The neighbors must truly love us.

Female Boss has been in the restroom the entire time. The restroom she is in is located on the side of the house that Male Boss and Chakhtee are. To make things interesting Female Boss starts yelling to me while still in the restroom, "Who is it out there!?"

I kind of wait to see if she really wants an answer. Female Boss yells at me again, "Who's out there."

Speaking to my boss while she takes a dump, heh, new one. I tell her its Chakhtee. She starts asking me more questions. Why is she doing this to me? Let's put things into perspective here. Female Boss is up in the restroom, we're talking well past 5 minutes, I know what she's doing in there and she finds it the right time to speak to me while on the can during such a stint of noise? I mean fuck, we have to yell in order for each of us to hear one another. Luckily neither of us had to shout over any basoon-like blasts. No, this isn't awkward.. not at all. I am sure all you guys deal with a situation like this during your average work day.

Before long, Male Boss starts whistling loudly. Those really high pitched, sharp, look the fuck over here type whistling.. I wish I could whistle like that. Why is he doing this? He reveals his intent and starts screaming for Female Boss to come outside. All of a sudden Female Boss has a case of the zipped lip. Male Boss gets annoyed as she is not answering him and rattles on the exterior side bathroom door. She screams. Good lord, I can only imagine.

"What the fuck are you doing? Get out here Chakhtee wants to talk to you!" yells Male Boss.

"Fuck you. Get you and your fucking friend the fuck outta here!" Absolutely shrill the way she screamed that.

"Come on Female Boss, Chakhtee doesn't care if you shit the bathroom and it smells. Lets go!"

I think my jaw would have hit the floor even if it was wired shut after that comment.

"I hate you!" fires back Female Boss.

"Come on! Get the fuck out here and finish your shit!"

Wait, he wants her to finish taking a shit outside?

Female Boss doesn't answer anymore. After everything is said and done, Female Boss couped up in the restroom for the entire 30 min duration of Chakhtee being at the house, I come to find out that he is going to pour a small concrete slab out there on the side of the house for whatever reason. The pair of bumbling clods never did open the bathroom door, Female Boss merely freaked out that they were trying to get in while she was in there. Man was she pissed recanting the details to me. Then came the oddest thing I have ever head outta her mouth to date.

"Fucking asshole. I can't believe they tried to open the door. I was naked in there!"

Naked!? While taking a shit? Oh, I know, you're thinking she was gonna take a shower? Sorry folks, its a half bath. No shower in there. Putter that thought around in your head for the rest of the day.

Demonseed Comes Through

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

There has been much ado about nothing regarding my feathered friend Demonseed. I get an in-mail here and there every here and again continuing to ask where are the stories about this bird. Well, there really aren't too many. It is caged 99% of the time and aside from being a good timeout for me to go speak to there's little to be said. I go up to him, give him a handshake, hear him welcome me. We go back and forth with a little nonsensical banter and that is pretty much it. Female Boss hasn't tried handling him much since then. Shocker, I know. That really cuts out all of the story telling. That and noise.

Noise is what Demonseed is hated and at the same time celebrated for. What else do birds really do? Eat, shit and squawk. Demonseed happens to know how to speak a bit but other than that there's nothing to em. I don't see why you would want to own one but thats a difft story. Demonseed, this day, guns for Male Boss.

If you haven't heard a bird squawk, I mean squawk equivalent to yell, then you have no clue. If you're standing next to a full sized screamer bird while its shouting, your ears will try to bleed. Ultimate success of blood letting is dependant on your physical fortitude but I assure you it will hurt like hell either way.

Male Boss is on the phone when Demonseed makes his move. He is on the phone with an important client (would it happen any other time?) and he is literally fighting over the noise of the bird and raising his voice to get the client on the other end of the phone to hear him.

Male Boss shrieks, "SHUT UP!!"

Then goes back to the normal tone saying, "Oh, I'm sorry."

The bird doesn't stop. We are looking at about 2 minutes straight by now and every 2 seconds a loud screech. Male Boss is going ape. He cannot hear the man, he is trying to write down information and the logic of either going outside, calling him in a few minutes or snapping Demonseed in half never breach his cranial cavity. Instead he keeps repeating himself, asking the client to repeat himself and occassionally screaming at the bird.

When Male Boss gets off the phone he is irate. He cannot stop complaining about the bird to Female Boss who is just standing there with a blank look on her face.. you know, the norm. Male Boss says that he cannot work with a bird that behaves like this and dogs that bark for no reason all the time. Thing is, he has said this from week one at this job while I have been here. Nothing ever changes. The madness never ends bcuz ultimately nothing is ever done. Perpetual angry time.

There is Hope

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

This is another post that isn't following the theme of the site but there is good reason for it. Cuz last night some shit happened that I have only heard of. Its one of those feel-good tales that never happen to anyone. Its one of those spam e-mail stories that touch you but at the same time you sit there and roll your eyes cuz you know someone was likely fulla shit when they wrote it. It was also one of those things that make you open your eyes and appreciate humanity.

So last night I'm with my daughter. I had a good $40 left on a PF Chang's gift card and I thought it would be nice to take her to a nice dinner, gorge our brains out and get some homework and what not done. Some people think its odd that my daughter and I wreck school work while we are at dinner but during the weekday we really don't have much time to do it anywhere else. I maybe have 3 hours tops with her during the weekdays so we tend to spend about 2 hours at a restaurant or my house studying and reviewing school work and/or homework, then whatever time left doing something a bit more fun like shopping or goofing around or whatever.

Anyway we're up in PFs and we are grubbing down. They have a new szechuan menu that is pretty impressive. My daughter decides to go with her usual on the caveat that I get something from the new menu. Start off with a wonton soup appetizer for both of us, some kung pao shrimp, szechuan asparagus and this new tofu with chicken black bean dish. All of it is good shit.

So lemme kind of set up where we are. Typical restaurants, this being one of them, have the booths on the outside of the restaurant and then the inner portion is table seating. Being that it was pretty busy we had to get a table. This kinda blows cuz we like to sprawl out with her books and what not but whatever, we deal. So during our meal I am doing the usual, checking her answers on her homework and giving her shit when she is obviously slacking. I make her redo answers when its not up to par and she hates me for it but she lovesme for it cuz I make her laugh when I do. So that's the evening in a nutshell between my daughter and me.

We're packing up and getting ready to go. I flag down the waitress, whip out my gift card with my credit card cuz I know we just threw down a good $60-70 which is not typical of me and ask her for the bill. She says, "Your meal has been taken care of."

"What?" I say.

"Your meal has been taken care of and I am not supposed to tell you this."

I am kinda taken back and say, "Well I have to thank whoever it was if this is the case."

A couple things are going through my head. I used to work in the restaurant business as a culinary manager so I am thinking maybe someone in here is just looking out that I used to work with before. I am completely wrong.

The server dips in close to me to whisper, she tells me, "The gentlemen in the booth right next to you insisted he take care of your bill."

I couldn't believe it. I tell my daughter and her eyes light up, likely bcuz I am amazed beyond my imagination. I really don't know what to do or say. So I get my bearings and tell my daughter that we need to thank this man for being so generous. For those that don't know me, I am big on public speaking and I was nervous to do this. So ridiculous. I must tho, so I do.

I go up to the guy and put my hand on his shoulder interrupting a conversation between him and two other women seated at the table with him. They are all in their 60s if not even 70s. Older folks, dressed nicely in post-workday attire. He looks up at me with a huge grin on his face. I lock eyes with him and tell him that what he has done is the most generous thing I have ever had a fellow person do for me with no relation.

All he does is smile. I have my courage surge back in me and begin to embellish the man bcuz there is truly only words that I can do to thank him. I will never see him again so I take advantage of that and make it known that I am truly thankful for his kind gesture.

I turn to the ladies at the table and tell them that they are in the company of a gentleman tonight, fine company indeed. They giggle and look up at me proudly saying nothing more than, "We know."

I extend my hand for the man to shake, he does. I tell him thank you again, he tells me to think nothing of it. My daughter has been standing beside me the whole time and chimes in with a "thank you." Then, it happens.

He grabs the attention of my daughter, locks eyes with her and says, "You have one hell of a father that is doing his best to be there for you. Don't ever forget that and don't ever take it for granted. He is a good man."

I am going to end it right there bcuz the feelings and the smile on my daughter's face will forever be my memory. Sharing it would never communicate it. Just remember my end of the year post and take in the significance of what I said then and now and understand what I was really telling you. Have a great weekend.

Mixed Messages

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

If you haven't gathered, Female Boss is kinda all over the place. She doesn't really know what she wants and usually opts for the latter whenever something is brought forth. I guess its kinda like having a Grass is Greener type personality. Here's a good example.

Do you know my friend Chakhtee?

Male Boss comes in, "Hey Chakhtee is coming by now."

I become giddy. Male Boss deems it his day off and leaves the office for the day. Must be nice owning the business and going home whenever you feel like. Oh that's right, Female Boss. Scatter brained chattering ensues:

"I am in no mood to see Chakhtee or even talk to him," she says aloud.

I kinda chuckle since she's always giving the poor guy a hard time. Female Boss lets out a frustrated sigh as she gets up to start tidying up the place. I don't know why she does this if she doesn't give a crap about him. After a little bit of time passes she goes on:

"Wait, did he say Chakhtee's coming now?"

"Yes," I says.

"Damn it," she answers.

Yeah, pretty sure she already expressed her disgust a few minutes ago. Nothing like reiterating the point tho. That's fine. But then, a few minutes later:

"I hope he's coming now, I really need to speak with him."

Wait. Wait, wait. What? Is she serious? What the hell is going on here?

"Well he needs to get here soon. I hope soon."

Alright. Sure. Whatever. You're all over the map. More time passes.

"I don't want any company, I am gonna call Male Boss to have him tell Chakhtee not to come."

I run out of comments guys. Step up and do it for me. I just don't have it in me anymore.

A Stink in the Nose

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Something stinks in the kitchen. Bigtime. I am talking rank odor. Its like a corpse is rotting that was slathered in shit and the shit is becoming more and more humid. Its the type of smell that pierces your nose, literally. When your nose catches the scent you get a slight tinge of pain. Its disgusting. The silver lining is that Male and Female Boss have insanely phenomenal senses of smell, unlike thy king. They can smell it when they walk in the hallway across from the kitchen and sometimes while they are in the office area. I, luckily, can only smell it when I am in the kitchen getting something to drink or raiding the refrigerator. Either of which is angry times bcuz it does stymie my pilfering, tho only minimally.

So for a few days the stench becomes progressively worse. Female Boss is cleaning the hell out of the area. Mop 'n Glo, grout cleaner on the tiles, ridding the cupboards of all outdated foodstuffs and the other morning as a last result, incense. After all of that the smell seemed to escape me from that day forward but that wasn't enuff for Female Boss. Every time she would walk by the kitchen she would shriek about the odor. Male Boss started saying that she left a full plastic bag, which she uses to pick up dog shit, in one of the cabinets on accident. She didn't like those comments bcuz he was only doing it to piss her off. She even started to give it so much thought that she threw out the old garbage can just in case fecal matter had latched on inconspicuously. Credit where credit is due, sirs. Male Boss knows how to play her.

So after a couple more days of the drama, going on more than a full week, the odor had magically disappeared. I asked Female Boss if she had found the source. A decaying corpse of a skink, you ask? Nay. In fact, she found nothing. What was the cause of this stench? It could have deteriorated, yes? It could have been something jammed in the garbage disposal. Yes.. perhaps.. or perhaps it could have been a Fuck You Egg planted by yours truly in the fan vent over the top of the stove that was shuttled in, and eventually out, with such stealth-like underhandedness it would make a bugbear lose sleep at night. Angry Timers, you be the judge.. and if you need more time to think about it, when I start writing about my college days and touch on the art of the Fuck You Egg, maybe then the answer will be within reach. Stay tuned!

A Dearth of Time

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Yeah, the word dearth is high on the list of favorite words since I was in high school. I use it for absurd reasons, in absurd situations much like the way the word sounds. I did in fact have a dearth of gumption and time to write up some more drafts about the office this weekend being that Saturday I drank an entire bottle of Belvedere vodka practically to myself, 3 other drinks made for friends, and that Sunday was the Super Bowl. The Super Bowl was crap in my opinion. Likely bcuz I didn't have any vested interest in the game after my Broncos decided to shit the bed, per the norm. Let's not get started on the officiating either. Talk about a horrible game. I know the Seahawk fans are pissed and they have a right to be. Whatever tho. We have another 7 months without football. That's far more depressing to me than anything.

So after much alcohol and much eating there wasn't much time for you folks. The good news is that with a new outdoor computer being set up by me personally, here at the office, I get to blog from out here in gorgeous "winter" weather while it seems, to Male and Female Boss, that I am getting work done. So why not spark up the blog, write a little something and enjoy the sunshine, right? They know so little about computers I could literally spend the entire day out here and say that's how long it takes to set a computer up on the network. Its too easy to even want to pull this type of shit off sometimes but even I cannot ignore the foul Temptress of Slackass all the time.

So forgive me, friends, for this marginal post while I take a breather out here. I'll get some drafts going this evening for everyone to laugh at my life come tomorrow and the rest of the week. Do your best not to have a case of the Mondays, friends.

Don't Challenge The Professional

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

The Professional came in the other day with a great story. When it comes to his shit, its straight precise or its no dice. He doesn't deal with the nonsense but you guys know that. On with it!

He comes in and hands me a business card of some client actress that thinks she's queen shit. She's nothing to speak of, average at best in my book. I ask him, "What?"

"She's a stupid whore is what?"

I laugh at him.

"This stupid bitch is a fucking time waster. She has me go to pick her up at a restaurant that she is supposedly having brunch at. I get there, no whore. So I call the stupid bitch on her cell phone and say, 'Hey its me, I don't see you here, you said to be here at 12:30 and I have been here for over 15 minutes.' So the bitch then tells me that there was a change of plans. She is on the other side of the city about 50 miles away. Now says that she needs me to pick her up in about an hour, hour and a half at some fucking address she gives me. I say okay. I drive down that way, I am early. I get to the property and call her up. Then I have had it. The bitch tells me that she is not there and she won't be there for hours. I tell her to fuck herself and ask her why she is giving me specific times and places to be at if she isn't going to be there. Then, she tells me that there are plenty of people in our line of work and that she can find someone else. I tell her that's fine but you shouldn't be telling me to do things and I end up wasting my time. So this stupid bitch tells me that she went to business school in college, that she is some professional lady. That was it."

Sidebar: You use the word professional around The Professional and you aren't running the game like one, you are done deal. It becomes no holds barred, no remorse, hand of God type destruction. There's a reason the man is called The Professional on Angry Time. He let's her have it with no punches pulled.

"So she is arguing with me now, so I yell her down. 'Listen I don't know who the fuck you think you are but a professional business person does not hold appointment times to be broken twice in one day. Whoever you think you are talking to you are mistaken bcuz I will pick your ass up and drop you off in the desert and not think twice.'"

The best part is The Professional isn't kidding. He'll pull some gangster shit. I can see it in his eyes. Something about him. Even when he's telling me the story he's got that bloodthirst. Reminds me a lot of me.

"Then the bitch hangs up on me. I call her back. I know she will pick up bcuz she's so stupid she probably doesn't recognize the phone number cuz she answers all sweet and cute like some pussy kiss ass. So I tell her, 'Hey bitch, I wasn't done with you. You tell your lightweight, half-ass company to fuck themselves and never call on me again. Then you'll see who they go to in the end. It will be me, always. Enjoy your lunch.' And I hang up."

I'm laughing my ass off. "Enjoy your lunch" he tells her. This guy is king. I fuckin love it. The best part is as soon as I start asking if he's heard from our Client company he stops me mid-question and tells me that they heard what happened, apologized for her behavior and that they will continue to use him as a liaison. Proof is in the pudding, folk. Just as a follow up, they have used The Professional for several client meet ups since then. Talk about professional.

The One's New Nickname

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

The Professional decided to give The One a bit of a verbal beatdown. Female Boss was gone and The One was hanging out outside and crying his ass off behind the sliding glass door. The Professional is in the office making some phone calls and handling a bit of office work. The cries get progressively louder and louder causing that vein on The Professional's forehead to bulge and pulsate.

He hangs up the phone on a conversation he is having and looks at me disappointed. I shake my head back at him and our silence communicates the pity we have for The One. The Professional decided to vent rather than keep silent.

"He's a pussy boy."

I laugh and make sure I heard him correctly, "What?"

"The One. He's a pussy boy. Pigfoot is going to turn into a pussy boy too if he has this guy for a role model. Stupid fucking dog can't live without her right next to him. Pussy fucking dog. Pain in the ass."

The Professional walks over to the sliding glass door and looks down at The One. With a sharp tone he starts up, "Why you cry, pussy boy? Why? Pussy boy, pussy boy. Hmm? Why you cry, you stupid pussy boy? Unbelievable."

He walks away and heads for the door, "Fucking worthless dog. God damn pussy boy. Anyway, I see you Northe, have a great day."

Looks like The One has a new nickname.