The Tale of the Important Package

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Every now again there comes a time in our lives when we order something so important, so urgent, that its very arrival haunts our dreams. We freak out over the promptness of the delivery date and time. Is it gonna make it here in time? We punish ourselves for not being more proactive. I shoulda ordered it sooner! Sometimes we get burned but sometimes the plan comes together. Yet, my friends, this is Angry Time and in the world of Angry Time nothing is ever that cut and dry.

This story happens to be a couple weeks in the making. Female Boss is planning on getting a bigtime gift for one of the Plastics for her birthday. Female Boss' relationship with the Plastics, need I remind you, is one laden with pretentious behavior and one-upping the next Plastic. Female Boss has put herself on a mission to outdo all the Plastics this time. Queue the shady man with handlebar mustache rubbing his hands together in a sinister manner.

"Okay Northe, here is a copy of the online receipt for the item. Here is a copy of the UPS tracking code. Keep this some place safe. I have a copy here at my desk and one over here on the bulletin board. I'll just pin it up over here, okay?"

"Ten-four, rubber ducky."

With such a flawless system there is nothing that can go wrong. Practically every day she reminds me of the ordeal and I amuse myself by checking the UPS website to see if it has gone off course or if any unforeseen delays have occurred. Unfortunately, "Brown" is on their shit.. zing! By the way, that's the stupidest nickname to ever give yourself. Brown.. jeezus christ..

I am happy to report that the package arrives the day of scheduled delivery, a Friday, and a comfortable 4 days before the Plastic's birthday. Female Boss is elated. She is really looking forward to giving her this gift and seeing the look on not only the Plastic celebrating the 28th anniversary of her 21st birthday but to see the looks on the faces of those that dared challenge her birthday present giving prowess. My opinion is that of indifference but I think Female Boss has chosen her gift well and perhaps a good report on the whole occasion is in tow.

The Tuesday is upon us. The tension is thick in the air. Female Boss comes in to "work" at 4pm.. roughly an hour before her usual departure time to go home.. whore.. She is completely gussied up. I imagine they are going to some place where they charge a meager $45 for a chicken cutlet stewed in gutter water and mushrooms.. But never mind that, the hour is upon us! Female Boss informs me that Plastic is on her way over and they are driving together. Male Boss is not at the Investment Property so she tells me its okay to head on home. I am happy with the turn of events as an early day is hard to come by.

I finish up what I am doing and start getting my things together when lo and behold the door bell rings. Plastic is early. Female Boss goes to answer the door. The two let out the typical girl squeal that not only affirms but acknowledges their mutual mental retardation followed by "air" kisses in the vicinity of each cheek. What I would do for a sickle and a length of bicycle chain at that point in time.

"I'm gonna go grab your gift and give it to you now. The wait has been killing me!"

*Clop, clop, clop*

Off goes Female Boss in her ever so comfortable *rolls eyes* 3.2 inch heels to her sooper sekret hiding place for the gift. I have collected all of my wares and head for the door.

"Oh hey, happy birthday Plastic," I say to the waiting Plastic.

"Thanks Northe, too bad you aren't coming out with us. Lots of single ladies to be had," winks the Plastic in a playful and somewhat sarcastic manner.

Now I don't know about you guys, but something about a Cougar just doesn't do it for me. The idiots out there are thinkin' that a Cougar with money is that much better. Well lemme tell you something, it is until you decide to call it quits. The money is a means by which to track you down or have you killed. Fuck with the women your age and leave the deranged psycho geriatrics to their own kind.. or go nuts at your own risk. That closes out the Fatherly Advice Corner of Angry Time for the month.

Before I can get out the door, Female Boss yells from down the hall, "Hey Northe, did you see the package?"

My chin hits my chest, "No, I don't know where you put it."

"Damn it, its gotta be around here somewhere."

"Yeah, I dunno. You took it when it arrived and hid it."

"I know. I just can't find it."

You have to understand this house is not that big at all. There isn't but maybe a handful of places where you can "hide" something. Even that is kind of a stretch. Who knows where Female Boss has misplaced the stupid thing but fuck if I care. I want to go home.

"Well, have a good time guys," I say loud enuff for Female Boss to hear.

"Okay Northe, see you tomorrow. We'll order a duplicate when you get in," says Female Boss as I walk out the door.

A duplicate? She's already given up the search? That's good. The final outcome is that Female Boss does not want me to place the new order the next day. Instead, she was really depressed telling me that every one went over the top for their gifts. After sulking for quite some time I heard one of her last remarks under her breath. She said, "There is just no competing with them."

To which I laughed.. under my breath, of course.