I Know a Guy Who Knows a Guy

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

One of the most ridiculous purchases of all time took place before I started working here. Male and Female Boss bought an authentic slot machine for the house. I guess they thought it would be a good idea to have in the house and pass time with. Initially it seems like a good idea but you'd be surprised to find out that if there's anything slightly more boring than work its fake gambling. Nothing says Lord, take my life like winning jackpot after jackpot on a machine that refuses to pay out. Terrible shit.

So, here's the deal. Female Boss thinks its a good time to retire this thing from the main room of the house to the corner of the den. The den is more like a dungeon. The den is windowless and appropriately has a light bulb with a pull string in the center of the room. The fate of the slot machine lies within the confines of that personal hell to become a dust collector and depreciate until it becomes something that Female Boss wishes to give away.

Here's the rub. The reason why I even bring this up is cuz the thing weighs a good 250lbs. Its a big clunky beast likely made in the late 50s from old WWII tank parts. Female Boss needs this thing moved and is scared to move it because she does not want to damage the marble flooring in the house. Ingeniously, Female Boss calls up the company or warehouse or whatever the fuck she bought it from trying to see if they can send over some guys to move it. They are more than willing to perform the task and kindly let Female Boss know that its gonna cost $175.

A little perspective here. This move is no more than about 25ft, if that. I tell Female Boss that I think that the cost is a little steep. Female Boss, rather than listening to the logic in my statement, boasts about how they are going to be arriving this afternoon. I decide to keep my mouth shut and get back to work. If she wants to spend $175 for 10 min of work then so be it. I just wish she'd pay me that well.

A team of three clown college graduates get to the house about two minutes before I walk out the door to go home. Female Boss makes no mention to their faces that they are a mere 4 hours late and starts putting them to work. I am in no mood to stick around and watch, so I leave.

The next morning I stroll in and ask Female Boss how everything went. Her face lights up as she begins to tell me how these guys were done in no time at all. She might as well be swooning.

"These guys knew exactly what they were doing. I mean they were great!! If you know anyone who needs a slot machine moved I recommend these guys with high marks. They're the best."

Now hold up, before you start in-mailing me, asking me what the phone number is to get your slot machines moved, lets figure out an orderly way to handle this. Okay, I got it. How about you in-mail me if you don't need a slot machine moved cuz it will save me a lot more time taking one or two people off my mailing list than checking on dozens and dozens of people that are in need of this valuable service. Fuck man, finally.. someone that can move that slot machine. Female Boss has the hook up, guys! We're in!

Time Well Spent

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Just when I thought I couldn't say What the fuck often enuff, Female Boss comes in with some more crap. I mean, what the fuck! I am not one to tell people how to spend their free time but this is just about the dumbest shit I have ever seen. You ready for this? I don't think you are. Jeezus fuck, this is so stupid!

Female Boss is sitting there on her lunch break. She decides to bring in a salad from home today and talking about how "fresh" it is. I hope so idiot, you brought that shit from home! Just when I am settling back in from my lunch break and starting to get my workload started, Female Boss starts rusting through some letters she brought from home.

"This is really interesting, Northe."

"What is?" which is my way of saying what now you, fuckin reject!?

"I am reading some of these ads I am getting in the mail," Female Boss pauses.

I would guess she is reading one or trying to get back that hiccup in her brain so it can start spewing forth further bullshit. Regardless, I take the chance to give her a quick jab, "You mean junk mail?"

"Well, I guess. No, not really. Kinda."

There goes that hiccup again. Her own stupidity is at war with itself. Its amazing!

"Well, I mean listen to this. They use words like exclusive and congratulations and this is an invitation. Then it goes on to tell me that I am part of a select few.

"Okay," I say waiting for her genius to reach its apex.

"Well, I mean isn't this interesting?"

"What is?" At this point I have to challenge her cuz she is fuckin nuts and I want to let her know. Does it work tho? No. Questions are only answered by those with the aptitude to perform that task. Female Boss is only able to put forth idiocy, not describe it. Fair enuff?

"I'm gonna call 'em."

So, here I sit listening to the stupidest conversation of my life between two festering hags that could very well team up to beat a baboon in a spelling contest and still lose. Female Boss is asking them all these questions about the words they use in their ad and then goes on to complement this pigeon on the other end of the phone.

"This is great!"

In the amount of time it would have taken me to hack off her limbs and quarter her torso, Female Boss finishes her conversation.

"Well, get this. They told me to keep the letter that I received if I find interest in using their services."

"Are you going to?"

"Sure, why not? I think they want to make me feel special. Call me crazy but I think they are going to enter me into a raffle." More excited now, "Wouldn't that be great! I mean that would really be something."

How the.. what in the fuckin hell is she talking about!? What raffle!? What anything!? No, I won't call you crazy.. I'll call you a dumb fuck! Do something.. ANYTHING more productive with your time then dreaming up this nonsensical bullshit! Fuck!

Double Cha-jee

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Back in the day a buncha my friends used to go grub sushi at this all-you-can-eat spot that was pretty good. The spot was definitely the place to grub down. It was like $25 for all the sushi you could muster in an hour and the quality, tho not top notch, was up there. The other plus about the place is that it was all-you-can-eat at the sushi bar only. So get the picture of some buffet style slopfest outta your head.

After a while of getting to know the sushi guys we started becoming revered patrons of the establishment. We'd walk in, get treated like kings and the fish would start heaping up in front of us. Even the manager would start talkin shit to us. We'd order certain things and he'd yell out with a thick accent, "Double cha-jee!" Which means double charge. It was funny ass shit and likely you had to be there to appreciate the humor. So, going on to what the day's latest brings at Angry Time..

Apparently Female Boss decided on getting a really nice care package for our top client for no specific reason. Essentially its a show of gratitude, something that will bring our two companies closer together. The gift is coming from a local eatery, Company. There are tons of different food items that she wants to give them. All fresh stuff, it would be a good amount for the employees to snack on all day when it arrives. Sounds like a plan from the heart to me.

The first problem that Company runs into is that Female Boss jotted down the wrong address to deliver the package to. Company calls up the office and I happen to pick up the line. They tell me the address Female Boss gave them. Its completely different than the company address we have in our database, different city and everything. I am now really confused. Its one of two things, either Female Boss is completely off her rocker or they have a corporate office or some such that she is wanting to deliver to. I don't want to make any assumptions so I take down the message for Female Boss and give it to her when she gets in.

"Oh okay. Yeah, I am sending it to their office location. The address we have is just their mailing address."

Fair enough. I'll just go ahead and pick up the phone to tell them the switch. What.. what am I doing? I thought she wanted the package to go out today. Female Boss leaves the office. Hmm.. that's completely outta the ordinary.. Female Boss is acting retarded.

To make a long story less exasperating I'll shorten things up. Over the next 8 work days I get 4 messages from Company complaining that the order was set for that particular day and that the contents of the package are no longer fit for consumption. Every single day they call I give Female Boss a verbal message along with a hand written note with their number and everything to make things very basic for her to understand.

As shocking as it may be, my efforts come to no avail. Female Boss still hasn't called up Company. Then, finally.. the golden opportunity surfaces. I receive a phone call from Company, again. Why these people are so persistent to begin with is beyond me. They have already been paid, what the fuck do they care at this point? Anyway, Female Boss is outside talking to the gardener when they call. I have to get her into the office. I am successful after a lot of hollering for her to get the phone. The best is how the conversation starts.

"Yes, hi," *pause* "Well I ordered that to be delivered like two weeks ago I don't understand why you guys' didn't deliver it," followed by the self-dissapointing "Oh."

Yeah that's right idiot. 'Oh' means you dropped the fuckin ball. After a few minutes on the phone I am happy to report: Comeuppence is at hand!!

"This is bullshit, Northe."

"What is?"

"They made me pay twice!"

"For the second package since you didn't call back and they couldn't deliver the first one?"

"They said I didn't call back in time. I had to pay the shipping cost again too!"

Yeah.. ignore me you jerkass.

"This is bullshit."

You're right. It is bullshit. Its bullshit cuz these people had to waste their fuckin time tracking your ass down. The best is that Female Boss is shocked and appalled cuz they accused her of not calling back in time. She never fuckin called! She was on the phone with them cuz they called her! Get a fuckin clue, idiot. For your insolence you get double cha-jee!

Continuation From Last Post

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

So with our last update on the Eighth Ring of Hell that is my workplace, Female Boss was busy becoming a bilingual prodigy. Unfortunately, Female Boss is likely to be stoned to death before any acclaim comes her way. The following is just another scenario among now, the 100s of stories, that keep me guessing and on my toes while at work:

Female Boss is on the line with Trainer. Hearken back to Trainer. A dog trainer that Female Boss hired to start training her bird. Jeezus Christ.. I can't even type that shit without wanting to spend the next three paragraphs excoriating her very, very slowly. Staying on task.. I catch her midstream, "Well Trainer, you know you're the expert and I don't know anything but I think we need to focus on Demonseed."

Yeah, that's right. Female Boss just said 'I don't know anything'.. well, sorta. I'll take it. So catching up I think, if I recall correctly, Trainer was starting to suggest more time with the other animals rather than on the bird. Trainer has dollar signs in his eyes and thats all well and good. Conan knows any change in this office is for the best.

So literally right after that last confession and suggestion by Female Boss she interrupts all train of thought and blurts out, "Oh! By the way. I have the cutest story!"

I have no clue what she's gonna say.

"I have started to call Pigfoot Gay now." .. "Uh huh.. like, 'come here, Gay!'"

My eyes squint in shrouded disbelief. I mean, what the fuck is wrong with this woman? Of course, it gets better.

"Isn't that funny? Oh! Then, if Pigfoot is being bad I'll call him Puto!" .. "Yeah, it means fag in Spanish. Hahahahaha." .. "Oh okay, well I don't want to keep you, bye."

Female Boss hangs up the line and I can feel the ripple in the atmosphere hit the back of my head as she wrinkles up her face. She's confused. She's trying to comprehend the situation.. wait for it.. wait for it.....

"I can't tell if Trainer thought it was funny or if he just wanted to get off the phone with me."

There it is. I hope it doesn't shock anyone that there was no self-realization at all. If that starts happening, Female Boss will start losing her luster. She must remain in her mentally challenged state. As for Trainer, I just hope he sticks around cuz this has all the makeup of a great relationship.

What Does One Say...?

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I always tell my daughter, if you make it out of high school with the knowledge of two languages you will be among the average; if you make it out of high school with the knowledge of three languages you will be above the fray of the average; if you make it out of high school with the knowledge of four languages you will have the advantage.

Language is key. Being multi-lingual is insane. Being able to communicate to more people will make you a force in life. Luckily, Female Boss has picked up on this even at her later years in life. Its never too late to start taking on the challenges of another language. Who knows, you may have a knack for it. If you do then you can start learning languages quicker than the next and really start expanding your horizons. Let's see what happens in Female Boss' latest caper..

"So Northe, I went out and asked the gardener how to say 'gay' in Spanish."

At least she is interrupting me while I have a phone up to my ear since I am on hold with a client, "Fascinating, what is it?"

"Well it depends, 'maricon' means gay and 'puto' is more derogatory."

I don't comment after that. I actually work instead. As for Female Boss, her wheels are spinning. Who knows what is going on within that dust storm of a brain. Before I know it an hour sails by. Female Boss has likely been in a catatonic state that entire time.

"Ok so, what did I say? Maricon? Is that it?"

"Yup. That and puto is what you said," I answer back.

"Punto like a point?"

"No bitch, puto!" said slightly more respectfully, of course.

"Ohhhhh. Puto. Well what does that mean?"

Arrrrrrrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!! The best would be if Female Boss was so smart that she was trying to get a reaction out of me. Thing is I stay pretty stoic and just jot shit down. Inside I definitely am raging in complete of awe of her stupidity tho. The fact that someone can tell you what something means then an hour later ask you what the same thing means is frikkin crazy. Then come to find out later she wrote the word as "punto" on her monitor. About two weeks later she put an X over the N. Only in my world..