There was this one time...

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Scenario #1: There was this one time The One had an upset stomach so Female Boss kept him confined in the kitchen where he could squirt brown all over the place without suffocating the office with the putrid smell. Female Boss was being quite the diligent worker that day, being that she stayed at her desk for a few hours without getting up. This is extremely odd behavior for her, as her primitive brain requires reboot every few minutes or it will start to ooze from her ear canal. The reason for her impromptu work ethic is quickly revealed when Male Boss gets up from the leather couch to refill his beverage.

"Male Boss, you have to clean up after The One this time.. I can't take it anymore."

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Female Boss Buys a GPS

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My everyday scab picking and keyboard breaking grind is brought to a halt by Female Boss arriving at the office before 10:30 and even before Male Boss for once. With little more energy than a sleepy koala, Female Boss slumps in to the computer area with a glum look on her mug. Being the concerned citizen I can only hope that she has had a grief stricken weekend with nothing but despair to report. Instead, she starts off the dialogue with, "I bought a GPS over the weekend."

"Is that a fact?" I ask her.

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Male Boss-isms 2

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Are you kidding me? I have only used this as a title once!? This is a damn hell shame.. time to make up for lost stories then. Oh and before you guys start questioning my spelling or grammar, remember one thing, this is Male Boss talking.. I wouldn't dare mistype anything that he says.

First -ism: Male Boss is trying to give Female Boss a little taste of the back home life. They are in a discussion where Female Boss is being pessimistic and Male Boss chimes in with some old school wisdom.


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I Can Has Math

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No excuses for my absence, real life just gets hectic sometimes. I wade back into the thickest part of the swamp and go in neck deep to demonstrate how tortuously suffocating life has been at the office as of late. Female Boss continues to prove she is the festering carcass of a bullfrog in these parts giving off that unmistakable stink in the nose whenever you're close enough to spear her in the pancreas. Even wading through this bog on a daily basis am I never met with a dull, expected feat of idiocy. This time, Female Boss decides to show off her mathematical skills.

Scenario #1: Female Boss is on the line with one of the Plastics and no doubt there is gonna be some riveting conversation at hand. Beginning to listen about half way through the decent to the 3rd ring of Hell, I start jotting down what was said.

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Witness

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On my worst days, the days where I am just completely ill with the 105 fever and wishing that taste of last night's dinner wasn't lingering around in my maw, I tend to have the stupidest dreams known to man. Fever dreams some might call them, I prefer to use a string of profanities used as adjectives and hyperbole to label them what they are. These ridiculous dreams are usually completely nonsensical, irrelevant to any form of reality as we know it and on top of that are constantly repeated over and over again as I fight for sleep during a high fever. I hate it. That is the worst thing about being sick. It's not the shakes, the misery or the puking.. its those god damn dreams that I can't shake when all I want to do is rest.

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Dump Truck

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Since I have a stack of stories and have no clue where to begin, I decided to go ahead and pick items I have written down at random to start thinning through the pile until I get sick of sharing. This way, I can dish out a ton of content and start separating the jot downs from the truly absurd. Here goes.

The First: Alright, this first one lacks all sense. It makes zero. I was driving home and here's the scene. Stuck in traffic along a major street there's this dude on the right hand side of the road. This familiar is one of society's greatest achievements: the roadside human billboard.

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Chakhtee: The Downward Spiral

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The problem with taking off the majority of last year is both a tale of happiness and none of your god damn business. The effect on Angry Time and the loyal following is that when real life caught up is that I not only shed the habit of writing, at least fairly often, is that I haven't been able to chronicle a lot of things that I wish I would have as they have developed into major story lines for the blog and will now have to going through literally about 100 stories that have been jotted down and piecing together the relevant happenings that lead us down the trail of land mines and razor wire until we arrive at the feculent corpse that I wish to show you all. So hang tight, we will get there eventually, but first, how some things were revealed to me while at the office.

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The Kryssmas Chronicles: "Sortie Mission Training"

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Good ol' Kryssmas. As you can readily tell, Kryssmas and Male Boss shared a beautiful connection from the start. He seemed to take a real shine to this pathetic creature and wanted to make it part of the family. It's either that or he was actually training this bird to become a menace.. essentially, even still, making it part of the family.. you know, considering nothing or no one in the office is particularly good, nice, well behaved or even normal. The fact that Kryssmas loves to practice the art of self-mutilation, as noted in the previous tale, there are only a few more benchmarks that need to be reached. The question is if Male Boss will deliver?

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Female Boss Shorts 13

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Since its literally been almost a year since I gave you guys some Female Boss Shorts I will go ahead and throw in a bonus 4th Scenario.

Scenario #1: I can't even recall what the hell Female Boss was doing when she was thinking out loud about this one. Whatever it was, I guess it would fall under the classification of being mathematical. It started off like this:

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Pigfoot's Nook

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This is another tale of woe and comeuppence. For those of you that are current on your Angry Time lore, you know that Pigfoot is a product of surroundings. Furthermore, if you are current on your Angry Time lore you know that the climate in which Pigfoot lives is essentially the world of inaction, zero discipline and stark raving lunacy. Certainly, for those of us that are left in the world that possess some shred of sanity look at this as a problem but Female Boss would not have things any other way. Her dogs' happiness is more important than anything else and due to her humane approach to pet ownership she shall continue to be punished for the nincompoop that she is.

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Oh, Telephones..

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As Angry Timers, we have been bobbing in the wake of this dandy for years now. I never figured that there'd be something worthy of a post regarding telephones again but here you have it. In the grand task of going through these here archives, that I write to you now, that will fall upon our future generations I think the consensus will be that the probability of this happening would have taken place much sooner in history. The thing is, I think for situations like this, timing is everything. I know for a fact she, yes Female Boss not Male Boss this time, has bitched about such paltry and inane affairs before regarding her desk phone but it took just the right amount of zero-to-do to get that thingamabob that is in her skull in place of a fully functioning brain to flop around just enough to cause not only ephemeral infatuation but also the all-important action. I bring you last week's actions of this hopeless reject.

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Take That, You Swine!

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Sorry for having been going off topic as of late, but sometimes I feel like getting my opinion down on random crap that I come across from time to time. This post however, will cover the favorite pig of Angry Time.. Master Dunkirt. I know how much you guys love this fat fuck but trust me, he's not lovable at all.. he's a disgusting asshole. So as you read this post you must picture me with a huge smile on my face.

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Christian Bale Defensive

Would it surprise anyone that I would cover something like this? Well, it should. Typically I can give a shit about these prissy Hollywood types and their ilk, mostly bcuz they are responsible for so many of life's great disappointments. Seriously, as an industry, these fucks probably dish out more disappointments annually than an eschatologist's diary.. wrap your brain around that one, cuz I'm not gonna explain further. Time and time again, we as a race, get hyped up at the idea that Hollywood is gonna breathe life into a great story and after pathetic writers and talentless actors scatter their filth over the potential of what could have been we are left with a limp, whimpering excuse of a movie. Before I spiral out of control on that rant, let's get back to what Angry Time celebrates.. the over the top tirade.

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Smacked Into Place

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Let's skip the nonsense and dive right in. Male Boss made the executive decision to not only spend lunch at the office but he decided to spark up the ol' range and do some cooking. Not sure what the hell he made but it smelled good. All the while I could hear him clanging around the cupboards and shuffling through the pantry using who knows how many pots and pans to complete his concoction. Whatever he was cooking it took him a good 20 min to cook it and the same amount of time to devour it. Male Boss settled in the sitting room shortly after, licking his chops and scratching. Right before he could fall into slumber Female Boss walks in.. maybe back from lunch? Who the fuck knows she left at like 11:30 this morning and bothered to return.. at 3:30pm.

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Upon Closer Inspection

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My jaw gapes and my blood boils. I was not only at a sincere loss for words but after my initial reaction I started seeing so much red that I couldn't even come up with a proper in-my-mind berating of Female Boss that would soothe the feeling of blood lust and allow me to move on and perform the work tasks at hand. I couldn't shake it. I kept playing it over and over in my head in as a storm of anger erupted my head sending pulses of disbelief and malice to my more than capable killing appendages (read as: hands and foots).

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Inauguration Day Special: Female Boss Mutterings

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Are we all that surprised that Female Boss would make headlines today on Angry Time? I figured it was a matter of time until I had enuff content here to post. The bad part is that Female Boss didn't make an appearance at the office till about noon thirty, cutting short what could have been hours of insightful commentary. Oh well, here's what I got for you.

Around 1pm: Female Boss turns on the television, probably the first time she has been able to escape the gravitational pull of the black hole that is her brain and had interaction with the outside world.

"Oh, Obama. Is he inaugurated yet?"

As you know, I hate answering stupid questions directly and would rather lead someone in the right direction with a bayonet pressed firmly against the kidneys of the idiot asking, "What's he doing on TV?"

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Quality Time With Male Boss 2

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I would love to have lived this moment for a life-age as it was probably my favorite moment after stepping into employment here. It was lunchtime and every blue moon, Male Boss likes to order in a pizza or three. Unfortunately, my lunch was already consumed so his offer of a pizza with any topping(s) of my choosing was completely wasted. I had to tell him to get whatever he wanted and Male Boss graciously offered that I could have whatever I wanted once they arrived.

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Female Boss Mutterings 8

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No introductory words needed, let's just dive right in:

"How come my hands smell like pee?" - the worst part is I can't remember if this was before or after lunch.. not sure which would make it more interesting but its just a thought.

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Fear of Storage

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So get this one. Female Boss, the complete mental wreck that she is, has revealed a new side of herself to me. In a nutshell, Female Boss rented out a storage room some decades ago when she moved out here from New Jersey. She placed tons of valuables in there that she could not fit in her tiny apartment when she first moved out here and, as time went on, decided to just keep things in the storage as she upgraded to new things. She may have mentioned this story once or twice before in passing but I never really paid attention until this topic started to rear its ugly head more and more.

It all started with a phone call from the Storage Place...

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Anger, Meet Your New Website

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In order to tie in this newfound sense of community I have just talked about this post covers a couple of my favorite work stories that I have heard in recent years. It didn't happen in the closed off world of Angry Time unfortunately, but I deem it completely relevant and fit for consumption to all of my readers. The first story, I could see happening quite vividly using that fucked up imagination of mine and it fills me with such contempt I guarantee that I would be able to wipe out the population of several city blocks before I was subdued. The second story, as you will see, is something that I could never see happening, using that same fucked up mind of mine, which makes it all the more hilarious. Here we go..

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