Vegas: Poolside - Part I

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Alright. Off the bat I am sure that 90% of you are wondering what the hell Northe is doing out by the pool while at Las Frikkin Vegas. Well lemme tell ya. I didn't have a lot of money to gamble with this year, like I said before, so I was doing my very best to stay outside of the casinos unless absolutely necessary. Before I get criticized further just know that I walked out of Vegas with nearly $500 more than what I came in with so winner, winner chicken dinner for me. Eat it.

Basically I woke up at the crack of dawn on Friday cuz I didn't stay up late. See above paragraph for repetitive explanation. I find out the pool opens up at 8am and I head on over there after a few laps around the casino and seeing that no one I went to Vegas with was awake or at least gambling yet. The crazy shit is that it was actually cooler out in Vegas than it was in L.A. There's no humidity in Vegas and that was very welcome considering how insanely nasty it was the last week and a half out in L.A.

I go ahead and grab a few towels from the stand and find out that I am about the first one out there. I see 600 chairs or so, I pick what I deem to be the best one. Thirty minutes into my cooktime I go wade into the chilly waters. That damn cold pool sucks for about 30 seconds and then it feels great. I stay in for about 10 minutes bullshitting on the phone with my friend. I get out and look back in my chair's direction. Mind you, there are literally hundreds of chairs all over this 2 pool area and a whole other section with two other pools and hundreds more chairs. So imagine my blood starting to boil when I turn to see my entire row packed with people and no where else. I am pissed.

I had this one couple to my right, whatever not that big of a deal. The guy ended up being real cool and bought me a pair of strawberry daquiris, before the end of my visit to the pool. Before I get shit about that you fucks, they didn't have Belvedere out by the pool so I'll take a thirst quencher. Before you say beer, I hate beer, so shut the hell up. Daquiris bitch! Alcoholic slurpee! If you can plug up the testosterone dripping out your nose for two seconds you can appreciate having a flavorful, chilled drink while poolside in 100+ degree weather.

The biggest problem was the lady and by lady I mean hippo and by hippo I mean zeppelin that took the end chair on my left. Once I notice her I head back into the pool and commence shit talking about her to my friend so I could actually head back and continue baking myself without being vocal. That's one of my personality traits, once I have pent up steam about anything I need to pry open the release valve or its gonna come out in more distasteful fashion or in a more inappropriate time. Upon careful examination of this behemoth, I was reminded of a childhood memory, maybe you can relate:

I take you back to the times when Disney actually made good movies, tho this wasn't that great in my opinion, it was more of an experience.. much like the nausea unfurling in my stomach. Let me put it to you this way, if I was an alligator with a cape and feathered pimp hat I would have been doing pirouettes with this mammoth. She wore a one piece that words only fail to describe, maybe the image will help. I shit you not this is exactly what she wore. The only difference was instead it was a pastel color, some sort of bluish purple.. fear not tho, it was equally repulsive. Oh, ballet..

The thing that really pissed me off tho is that neither party, to my left or my right, decided that moving the chairs inches away from my chair was a good idea. Seriously, its just dumb, we are but a few people out there and we should have mere millimeters separating us? I eventually made my way back to my chair holding in my stomach bile long enuff to politely asked her to scoot her shit the fuck over. She had to get up and rearrange and all this nonsense.. it probably took her about 3 minutes. Do I feel bad? No. I will not compromise my comfort nor have my portion of the sun blocked by this beast. She actually moved her shit about a foot away from me and I couldn't have been happier. The angry guy wins.

That's only Part One of my morning. Part Two tomorrow.