Do-It-Yourself

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

We've all been there. When you become fed up about something around the house and you don't feel like paying someone else to do it cuz you don't feel its worth the extra cash and hell its not that hard to do! So we click on HGTV or DYI or maybe put in Rocky and trick ourselves, err, inspire ourselves to think that we have the aptitude to tackle the problem without interference from the outside world. Now I'll admit, I am fairly handy but the guy from the New Yankee Workshop that can build a computer from a piece of birch wood is beyond my capabilities. So take me, the Everyman, as I have been dubbed by Commissioner Phelps and then take Female Boss. One would readily deduce that this modern day leper of the mind shouldn't take on any tasks more complicated than eating, right? Well, Female Boss begs to differ with that opinion and takes a stab at a little workplace renovation.

Sidebar: This is compiled of a few months of projects, this all didn't happen in one day, so keep in mind as similar as it is to an episode of Bumblebee Guy from the Simpsons it isn't sequential.

First up to bat is hanging pictures. She wants them level. I tell her that a good idea for someone of her skill level would be to get a laser level and see if that helps. My advice is scattered to the wind much like fleeing brain cells from her ear. Now its not so much the leveling that is my issue here. Instead of a hammer and a tack she goes for ye olde power drill. Hmm, that's curious, I think to myself. By the time the project is finished there is a "rip" in the drywall almost three inches long. I don't know what word to use, I suppose she lost control of the drill and whatever bit she was using just sliced right thru it at a downward angle. Fear not friends, the picture covers the blemish and there is none the wiser.

The second thing Female Boss wanted to tackle was a simple paint job of the breakfast nook. I really don't think the area needed any painting but girls have insane vision.. at least compared to me. I tend to not notice anything and as long as something isn't broken I can live with it. Tidiness is a different issue but lets stay on topic, sirs. So she goes to get the paint job done. We have a success! Female Boss is so proud of what she's done that she calls me over to check it out. It actually did brighten up the place a bit, I stand corrected. Then Female Boss shows me in real time what a huge idiot she is. She goes to sit in the breakfast nook and puts her arm up along the back rest, relaxing for the first time fawning over the job well done. Her eyes open nice and wide.. her jaw drops in succession. Must be from the wet paint seeping into her clothes and onto her skin... well done.

The last one was when Female Boss wanted to get some new flowers planted. She spent the majority of the day digging and planting and when she should have been finished, Female Boss decided she wanted more. She comes back with some pretty big plants to throw into the mix. So she starts digging again and wouldn't you know it, Female Boss comes fumbling in after a bit of time, soaking wet, asking me to help her turn off the water to the backyard. Ahh, good ol' water pipe puncturing. She must've thought it was a rock and tried to power through it. Fantastic.