Been a Minute

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Realizing, thanks to HMT, that I have put on a very marginal showing here lately I'll try to make it up with a quick post before the Bosses start arriving at the office. I guess this one comes to mind first, its either going to make you laugh or continue to think ill of me. Either of which is worthy of Angry Time as that is usually the end product when I think about these day by day scenarios that I have to deal with. So buck up and read!

Apparently that little experiment I did with Pigfoot is larger than life. The outcome is more significant than expected. Hell, I could be a real asshat for that stunt. Oh well, I'll take it. I think its funny.

Pigfoot has not been able to lose weight since. In fact he has gained more. His appetite has grown significantly and even without my aid, the Usurper himself is managing to tip the scales to a dangerous level. Female Boss took him to the vet and the outlook was pretty glum. He is becoming dangerously fat. Morbidly obese? Not yet.. maybe soon.. keep your fingers crossed. The thing is, I really didn't notice until Female Boss came back with the news.

The guy is turning into a butterball. Skin distended and taut. The neck roll is a supreme bulge that lifts off his body a good inch and a half if not more when he looks up. His legs are appearing to have thinned, maybe its just bcuz he has gained so much weight. He has not meat on em. It looks frikkin hilarious. I guess its so funny to me cuz an episode of The Simpsons comes to mind.

Setting up that little scene real quick and closing out the post. What you have is Homer and Bart cooking up tons and tons of bacon to sell the grease. There are tons of great lines that I won't mention and I'll just get to the point. They have to get rid of the bacon so who better to feed it to than Santa's Little Helper. Now the poor guy is tucked underneath the kitchen table completely wrecked, laying down on his side, struggling to take a breath with tongue unrolled onto the kitchen floor.

Homer's response to the situation, "Looks like he's ready for another squeezin'!"

Agreed Homer, agreed.

Full Circle

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

This is definitely a short but a short that is worth its weight in bean things. The thing about my work is that I am constantly on my toes. Anything can come around the corner and take me by surprise so I have to be ever vigilant with a pen and a legal pad. I tend to miss a good percentage of things that I should or could be writing about but after all it is work and I cannot always divert my attention from it for the sake of you sirs.

Then come the ones every now and then that require no special note taking. In fact, they are so perfect its almost eerie that mayhaps I have been found out. That the sanctum that is Angry Time has been breached. Of course, I get a grip and realize that its near impossible for that to happen and I get to enjoy the moment in its entirety.

Female Boss is shooting the breeze with herself, read as: thinking out loud. Then all of a sudden turns to me and says, "Northe, we should start our own business."

I kinda sit there puzzled not knowing whether or not she is serious.

Her next statement has me rolling, "We'll call the company 'In-Mail' what'dya think?"

I died laughing. At least she can appreciate one slice of humor that I harp on endlessly about my work. Fantastic.

A Muttering Turned Full Post

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

So here I sit at my desk doing my daily duties to ensure my livelihood at this company and Female Boss comes back from hitting up this new supermarket in town. Its one of those smaller ones. I believe this one used to be a 4 screen movieplex or some shit that was converted to a grocery store. Its dog ugly from the outside and the name is something like Super Irving Mart or some shit. I mean what the hell?

Anyway, in she comes after lunch with some eats in hand from the new store. I can hear her unpacking some stuff from plastic bags. This is a good sign as it usually means she bought something for me. Its commonplace for this to occur and is always welcome. This may become a surprise to you all, but she has exquisite taste in food. So in she comes to the office. Picture me with a knife in one hand, fork in the other and a napkin stuffed into my shirt collar draped down to my belt.

"Hey Northe, have you been to Super Irving Mart?"

"No, not yet."

"Oh, you gotta go. Its awesome in there."

Blah blah blah. The conversation goes on for a good ten minutes about how great the place is and I make snide remarks about how ugly it is and how she paid $9.00 for a not-so-big salad is kinda crazy for a grocery store. Female Boss is undeterred by my remarks and the conversation helped time pass. Once we are done, Female Boss starts with the muttering.

"Oh, its really great."

"Some good stuff in there."

"Fresh fruit too."

These mutterings happen at very low volume and probably a couple minutes apart from each other. Obviously she is fixated on this new place. I am curious to go check it out. Maybe this is one of her Jedi mindtricks. Well, it almost worked. Just as I was thinking about hitting the place after work she mutters:

"It was really impressive they had so much food there."

Really!? Holy shit! Can you imagine walking into a fucking grocery store and seeing an abundance of food choices? I know I can't! I mean who thinks of both aisles of foodstuffs and a supermarket in the same day? Fucking idiot! Master of the fucking obvious. Holder of no-brainer knowledge and crier of the idiots!

Some things really set me off, shocking I know, and this was one of em. I have grown such a hatred for stupidity that even the slightest utterance that is somewhere within the realm of dumb makes me lop off minotaur heads. Fuck. Its so damn frustrating. Fuck! And who the fuck are you talking to you crazy lunatic!? Who!?

You Don't Know Jack

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

So Male Boss is on the phone with one of his Clients. Said Client is introducing Male Boss to a new guy at the company since he is going to start taking over the majority of the communication between us and them. The conversation is rife with Male Boss using slang or common phrases that are completely butchered. I am trying to think of some of the stuff he says but my dumbass is catching a blank right now and I didn't write the terms down. Ah okay, I remember one. Instead of saying drives me up the wall, Male Boss said, "hangs me from the walls."

Its truly sad bcuz now that I think about it there is probably a hell of a lot more shit that I can add to this blog if things weren't so "normal" for me to hear, see or experience. So much madness goes on here and I literally cover maybe 30% of it. Oh well, underachieving has grown my anonymous internet fame to sapling proportions.. that's what's important.

As Male Boss' conversation is coming to a close its time to start giving the new guy the contact numbers. The office, fax, his cell, The Professional's cell etc. This is where the embarrassment really ensues. As a side note of thought, I really don't know what these people think of Male Boss when he speaks to them over the phone. He is a really good guy but when he tries to be cool guy he makes so many mistakes speaking its sad. They have to think he's nuts but that's neither here nor there.

The point is he starts giving the fax number to this guy. While doing such, he is really giving the fax number to one of our other clients. Not only that, he is fumbling the numbers around in his mind and giving a number that isn't ours or the other client's office that I originally thought he confused with ours. I can't see this happen without doing anything, so I correct him.

"Oh shit, I am sorry. That is the wrong number. This is the right one."

Male Boss gives him the correct number and moves on to the next number. For The Professional's cell he starts giving Female Boss' home phone number. Holy shit. I am awestruck but at the same time what the hell do I expect here? I correct him again. He stutters and is now starting to get embarrassed.

"Wow, I am so sorry. I keep mixing the numbers in the head," he says.

The final straw is when he is giving the guy his own cell phone number. His own fucking number! This is literally what was said.

"Number, XXX-XXX the area code is XXXX."

I imagine Client asks, "What?"

Male Boss responds, "Area code XXXX."

I imagine Client is still wondering what the fuck he is saying.

"Yes. That's it. The area code. The numbers before the number. Uh huh. Yes, its XXXX."

Needless to say after strike three I tell Male Boss to hand me the phone and I get things square within 45 secs. Well played, Male Boss. These are business professionals, Clients, and they deal with his incompetency no problem. Not even flinching. I mean, these fools keep coming back for more! I sometimes wonder if they have a sick sense of humor like myself and just make fun of the guy nonstop. Can the world be that close to my heart? Doubtful but hey, let's pretend.

Short Stack

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

God damn, things never cease to amaze me here. Even as the stack of stories to write piles high upon my computer desk at home I always have something happen that just boosts up to the top of the priority list.. especially while its still fresh in my head. You'll pardon the pun once you finish the story I'm sure.

The scene starts out early morning. I get into work. No one is here yet. Shocker... I notice that perhaps Female Boss was here before me for once. There's a pot of coffee going and as I walk by the kitchen I see that two of the three dogs are already at the office. The two being Pigfoot and Puppy. The One is apparently with her tho.. it wouldn't be out of the ordinary, for a fleeting moment, to wish a more ill fate upon the poor guy. After some careful consideration I figure that his fate is already pretty pathetic having to be latched to her permanently.

I wonder where the hell she could be. Its not likely she beat me to the office but I guess she had to have. Eh, Screw it, I'm here in the office and .. what the hell? Holy shit. As the dogs are barking at me as if I am a stranger I catch glimpse of a heap.. nay, a mound of feces that would make an elephant blush. I dunno how long these canines have been locked up for but it could very well have been a month. I am not kidding. I am talking at least two dozen individual logs. Fresh tho, not the blackened aged kind. Raw dawg. The type of shit that if its outdoors you'd be seeing that steam rising up off it like a stack of flapjacks.

How's that for a lunchtime topic? The dearth of Angry Times are over. I'll get some drafts written for you guys tonight, hopefully as repulsive as this one. You ask, I deliver. Take it easy.

Tax Season

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Hey I didn't say which Monday! Sorry for taking the week-long hiatus but your derogatory in-mails definitely made me want to come back to posting. Assholes.

Well, we all know that tax season can be looked at in one of two ways: "Fuck the government for taking so much of my money" and "fuck the government for taking so much of my money but at least I am getting a few bucks back." Either of which is an adequate response and both continue to point out how taxed we are. Punished for being successful, the more successful you are the greater your tax burden and the less reliant on the government you become. "Hey, good job on owning a piece of property asshat, we'll tax you a few extra grand a year for doing so well in life." Fuckin idiots. Let's not get started tho, that's another topic, I'll keep on point.

Tax season from the Angry Time perspective is another plane to test my ongoing theory that ignorance really knows no bounds. Truly it doesn't. Case in point is as follows.

Female Boss gets her taxes owed in the mail the other day. Whatever she owes she is not happy about. Apparently savings isn't on her list of priorities as most of you retarded Americans. So all of a sudden her taxes owed is a big to-do in the stew of defunct gray matter that at one point in time was her brain. She starts muttering off about what can be done and how "inconsiderate" the government is for not warning her "earlier."

I mean are you serious here? You had no clue that in the decades you've been on this planet that the start of the year you should start thinking about taxes? Obviously she is just letting off some steam as maybe its more than what she bargained for but even I could be giving her too much credit here. Regardless, Female Boss makes it a point to start calling friends so I can hear her parrot her disappointment of the whole Tax Season thing over and over again. Fun times for me, lemme tell ya.

The final phone call went off to one of her more intelligent friends that is giving her some tax advice. The final question that was asked before I got up to puke my lungs from body was:

"So on this piece of paper they sent me there's an e-mail address. Can I just e-mail them my payment?"

Dead.

Obnoxious As Hell

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

When it comes to etiquette I prefer to look at myself as more of a Hannibal Lechter on the subject. I am very suave and debonair, as you can tell, from the fact that each of my posts wreak of charm and my gentlemanly qualities. Okay, maybe that's all a bit of a stretch but lemme put it to you this way. I know how to act a certain way when its time to act that way. I can be a charmer if I want to pour it on and I can be a crass asshat like I am most of the time here. Thing is, when it counts, I am as reliable as Old Betsy. Meaning, I will kill a man, just point me at the victim. Seriously, I don't know what that means. My analogy tap house was torched by idiocy months go.

What I am getting at is how I can be one way and other people in the world not so much. I mean what gives? Is there a mental block or maybe some air of ignorance that envelopes most others? For instance, Male Boss, bigtime money maker here. This guy.. every fuckin day, eating away at his chips and shit, gets on the phone with important clients and starts yucking it up. While eating! That doesn't do anything for ya huh.. hmm.

Okay, lets take it a little further. Classic example of two different or maybe even three different types of eaters in this world. You notice this when you had your first sleepover as a kid. You wake up in the morning before the parents, you and your friend are starving. Cereal time! Did you ever take a look at the way the other kid would eat his cereal? Was it similar to you or complete opposite? Maybe its just me but I found that eating cereal brings out the most raw and real behavior of an individual. Every piece of etiquette is out the window here. Why? Bcuz you are a kid with a spoon the size of your palm, shoveling dry ass cereal with some milk down your throat and its time to grind that shit up before the razor sharp edges of Cap'n Crunch tear more than just the roof of your mouth to shreds. Am I right or what?

There are the kids that did the moderate spoonful, ate with their mouth mostly closed. This would be me. Tho I am a compulsively quick diner, especially when I was a kid. As soon as there was room I pound more in; however, I always kept it under a certain amount of control. Then there's the kid that puts a third or fourth of a spoonful in and loves to eat with their mouth wide open crunching like a fuckin yak grinding up cud even tho there isn't a ton of food in their mouth. This type really boils down to terrible etiquette. Then, there was the third and very rare variety. The Variant. The Variant is the type of person that takes a moderate to large spoonful and cocks his head back like a plastic shredder and, with mouth wide open between chews, pulverizes his cereal. If you haven't seen the Variant class of eater, you need to people watch more. Its hysterical. However, I will submit to you that cereal is the best way to watch people eat to fully understand what I am getting at.

So, now that I have completely digressed I will let you know that Male Boss is Type 2. He is a loud, wide-mouthed eater. The kicker is he suffers from excess saliva. So when chips would normally soak up most remnants of spittle in the old mouth, Male Boss can drool, make sucking sounds and slurps while eating chips! This is so obnoxious I can't even begin to explain. Like I said, he does this while speaking to million dollar clients. No problem. No one ever says shit, they come back for more. I just don't understand how one can actually do that while on an important phone call. More so, how do people pretend to ignore that shit when its up in your ear? I can hardly tolerate it and I'm a good fifteen feet away from the mother fucker.

Whatever, I don't even know how to end this bitch. Try pinching steel over the weekend or something. Till Monday!

Ya Know What...

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

For the title of this one its important you read it the way I'm saying it. The times when some mother fucker crosses your path with some bullshit. The times when somebody is irking the shit out of you and the first thing that comes out your mouth before you either check the shit out of them or drive a poison thumb thru their eye is, "Ya know what..." followed by whatever invective you decide to follow it up with. Now that we're on the same page lets spelunk this latest chasm of frustrating stupidity.

I think I have mentioned it before but we have a local guy that takes our office orders. We work with him on an arm's length basis. He comes in or we call him and we get whatever we need from the clown.

Female Boss tells me, the other day, "Hey Northe, let's not order trash bags anymore. We don't need em. They're a waste of resources and not environmentally conscience."

Hey, I got no problem with helping out the environment but this is just an inconvenience. Just like you mother fuckers that want public transit to take over. The city's too big for me to hop down 6 freeways and take half a day to go catch some sushi with my boy's out in Orange County. I'll buy a Hybrid but I ain't buying a bus pass. Fuck that. Whatever tho, this is what Female Boss wants to do, I have my problems with it but let's see how it works out. I don't have to clean up after my office debris anyway, that's her function.

Knowing that on the surface that it really isn't a big deal, survival mode kicks in regardless. Survival mode in this case happens to be gathering all the trash bags in the house that aren't used and stashing them away for my own use to line my personal trash bag.. this is her social experiment, not mine. You gotta realize something here, if I bring in a banana or something like that into work for snacky time, the last thing I want is a smudge on the side of the trash can to start stinkin a week later at the side of my desk cuz some jackass wants to save the planet. I get my trash bag stash and I know I am good on being odor free for a good 3 months. We had a shit ton of em all over the investment property.. was kinda shocking how many I found and where.. not the most conventional places to put trash bags.

So, after nothing merely two weeks of Female Boss not having any trash bags left she's already flipped the script. Not so much flips the script as she flips her lid. She starts freaking outta no where.. just so you know her freaking out is grounded in sound logic, of course.

"Don't we have any garbage bags left? I am desperate for some!"

Ya know what, mother fucker.. its been two weeks after you deemed the office green and now you're "desperate." As if the last two weeks never fuckin happened. The memory banks of this jackass were dumped along with the trash last night as all of a sudden she's looking at me for a miracle. She seeks me for help.

"Northe, you have a garbage bag in your trash can. Do we have any more?"

"No ma'am. I've been using the same trash bag for the last two weeks since you made the call to cease orders on em."

"Are you sure we don't have any extra?"

"I'd venture to guess no, but you can always go look for some."

Female Boss sits there in distress for a good half hour. I don't see any trash on her desk. She didn't throw anything out that I remember. She just decided to spontaneously hemorrhage some brain cells for old times sake. The kicker is that Female Boss didn't get up from her desk to search for trash bags, she didn't even go out and buy some. It took her 3 days to come into work with a few spares from her house, I am guessing. By the way, we are back to buying trash bags from the local clown. So much for saving the planet. We're all fucked guys, blame Female Boss.