No Time Fer Thinkin'

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Over the past couple weeks Male Boss is starting to try my mountainesque patience. Its the whole personality trait that is ask before you look. Do you know the type? Those frantic asshats that hold the codex of answers in their very hand yet ask you the questions anyway? Fortunately for my blood pressure, 9 times out of 10 the codex was prepared, written and stamped by me so when he does ask the question within his grasp I fly off the handle. Is it truly that challenging to take a moment and glance at the report that is prepared before you? Is it a necessity to ask questions that have answers inside said report? If so, why not just tell me to memorize the report and when it comes time to ask a question I have all the answers anyway. Save a tree, you fuck.

Now, I bet half you Poindexter's are wringing your hand at me and talking about record keeping and all that bullshit. Let me queue you in on something. I am not lining up the rubber letters and inking the printing press, you clod. These reports are generated from a computer that has all the information to begin with. Entered, checked and double checked by me. Thats our record. So why print the bullshit? Its nonsensical.

However, like everything living, I have learned to adapt. Nothing makes me happier than seeing people grasp for straws when laziness and easy answers are all they seek in life. My attitude is fuck you and your lazy ass. So now, rather than giving the answer I have taken to the school of so many incompetent working people slathered around the globe. The School of I Dunno. With the caveat that I do actually know the answer, hey I can't turn into a mindless slug yet, I have minored in the prestigious business program called Its In There.

"Hey Northe, what was the net income for Client X this quarter," says Male Boss flailing around the printed answer in his hand like an adolescent chimpanzee.

"Oh I dunno, but its in there."

"Oh."

"Oh," mother fucker? "Oh?" What do you mean, "Oh?" You said for me to print the report for that specific reason, you wanted to have the actual piece of paper in your hand so you know its 100% accurate, you wanted to see that shit in black and white but its "Oh really, the answer to the report is on the piece of paper I asked you to print?" By Thor's fuckin hammer, you piece of shit. It'll be "Oh" when I take this ballpoint pen and cram it between your 3rd and 4th vertebrae too, jackass. When I break it off in there I bet that'd be "Oh" too wouldn't it, you fuck?

Look. All I'm saying is do your co-workers a favor. Think a little. Use yer damn brain. Better yourself and take pride in what you do rather than assimilating to the inadequate brain power in your office that couldn't heat up a pop tart. Fuckin' read before blurting shit out like a woman in In N Out screaming for her burger. Make sense? No? That's cuz it'll be the story for tomorrow.