Background on the dogs

Before getting into stories about the dogs one has to appreciate how they became the specimens they are today. Dogs don't simply do, they test the boundaries just like a child. Once they know what they can get away with they shelf it away for later use. The odd part is that these dogs are like orphans, sometimes being left at the investment property (our office) overnight and taken care of in the morning. Its all weird stuff that goes on here, so to avoid opening the flood gates, baby steps is the best way to paint the picture that is my workplace. Back on topic briefly, the two dogs are particularly bright but the biggest downfall is that they are untrained.

Now, I am a "dog guy" and there is nothing I can't stand more than untrained dogs. I think its an insult to them bcuz they are smart enuff to know the difference between right and wrong if shown. Anyway, I digress, important note: untrained.

The One - Female Boss' first dog. This guy is probably the most manipulative animal I have ever seen. In his age the bastard has built up such wisdom its mind boggling. Second thing, is he might as well be attached to the hip of Female Boss. The One is never left overnight at the investment property, more so, never left alone for more than five minutes at a time. If this is done, the dog goes so insanely berserk with crying it would break a less callous man's heart. I have called and left messages on countless friend's voicemails with The One screaming and yelping at the top of its lungs due to the fact that Female Boss put him in the kitchen while she uses the restroom. Its absurd but also perfect for inappropriate situations and comedy.

Pigfoot - Female Boss' second dog. This guy is a very intelligent, and at the same time, extremely emotional and sensitive dog. He's very fast and agile. Basically if he refuses to be contained by waist-high doggy fences he simply climbs them like a frikkin bat and jumps off to freedom. He enjoys casual conversation as any words directed to him causes him to lay down and pin his ears back with a grin on his face. Anything at all, he loves it.. likely a fellow sophisticant in another life. The kicker with Pigfoot is that he is in direct competition with The One. He fights for the attention of Female Boss using cunning and his disregard for authority.

Puppy - The community dog. Male Boss came to work one day with this animal in hand to all our delight, unfortunately she isn't the brightest bulb. For one, she thinks she is a male bcuz she constantly tries to "mark" her territory. Furthermore, Puppy really has no clue on how to react to any kind of command, rarely even her name.. which, for now is Puppy, since Male and Female Boss are yet to come up with a real name. Puppy also happens to be spaztic and extremely "bitey." She has potential to be a good/smart pet but since none of the animals are trained there is no need to start intelligent and practical habits now.

I'll get some classic dog stories up early next week to really tie together the workplace madness along with my favorite story about The Professional, as well. Everyday there's another story, its just a matter of getting them onto this here blog.

"Bean Thing"

Lunchtime at work.

Female Boss turns to me, "Hey Northe, I bought some new bean things from the market you wanna split one for lunch?"

"Sounds good to me," I respond giddy at the thought of free food. Only bcuz I eat them out of house and home for free day in and day out. The investment property is somewhat of a community property for us at this point and I make sure to exercise the community privileges as often as possible. I'm a team player, what can I say?

"There is one in the fridge. The guys at the market just started making them, some new bean thing, just nuke it and we'll try it out. It comes with two dipping sauces too!"

So, I am pretty interested on what this could be and figure if its bad atleast I didn't pay for it. After a minute I don't see anything "new" per se.

After taking a second glance I ask her, "Where is it again?"

"In the wrapped brown package," answers Female Boss.

I shuffle thru the fridge and come across said package. It reads as:

"Black Bean and Jack Cheese" and on the side of the package it reads: "BURRITO" in large lettering.

Dipping sauces? Salsa and guacamole. When I plate up the dishes and take them into the office for her, Female Boss says, "Oh it comes with avocado?"

"Yeah, guacamole," I say with a smug look on my face.

"Neat," she says.

Now the crux of the matter is that we have eaten burritos a million times. We have a client that actually makes her own "dipping sauce" and "bean things" and brings them in for us on occasion! How she couldn't string anything together is what makes her so special..

Unfuckinreal. "Bean thing!"

Lets light this candle: Previous Friday

So just when I thought it would be an uneventful day the two bosses offer me a belly laugh.

Male Boss comes in the office with his usual Friday garb, blue elastic banded underwear and whatever t-shirt he thought was the dirtiest in his room. His bleach blonde highlighted hair looks natural with his frosted blonde tips for a 61 year old man. However, today he decides that its time to dye his goatee using his Just For Men gel. So picture him in all his magnificence and coming in somewhat frantic. Remember, thick Russian accent on Male Boss and New Jers accent on Female Boss.

Male Boss starts off with, "Female Boss, you remember the deal we dids back in 1994? The old lady, needed us to pick up some guests from the airport, the husbands passed to deaths?"

Female Boss, with eyes closing and head shaking, "Oh you have to be fucking kidding me.."

Male Boss persists, "Come on, I don't have time for your bullshitting with me today!"

Female Boss snaps back, "Hey asshole, I don't even remember the people we dealt with last week and you want me to remember someone we worked with 10 fucking years ago?"

Male Boss starts to go off the deep end, "God damn it, I'm sick of your shit! You left the message by the hand! You gave her the quote over the phone and left the message by the hand!"

Female Boss looks confused with her mouth agape and hands in the air.

Male Boss continues angrily, "You're fucking nuts and you piss me off for the last time today."

Female Boss cocks and pulls, "Me? You're marching around with your underwear like some drunken poet and you're calling me nuts."

Chalk one up for Female Boss.

The Primer

Every job starts off as something of a blur. You walk in and everything is abuzz. Those that are assimilated to the workplace are in gear and handling their biz. The first few days you are looking for something familiar and where exactly you are gonna fit in this machine. Perhaps a friendly person or two actually shows you the ropes and makes you feel that everything is gonna work out. That's how I remember every job before this one anyway..

Male Boss

Age: 61
Status: Legal Immigrant from Azerbaijan .. no joke.
Position: Chief Liaison
Voice: Gorbachev
Noteworthy: Struggles with English

Female Boss

Age: 52
Status: Native New Jerseyite
Position: Male Boss' Business Partner
Voice: Straight outta Jersey
Noteworthy: Heh..

The Professional

Age: 40
Status: Legal Immigrant from Germany
Position: The "Go-to Guy"
Voice: Exactly like Schwarzenegger
Noteworthy: Sense of Humor

Demonseed

Age: Unknown
Status: African Gray
Position: Unlawful Sidekick to Male Boss
Voice: Like Male Boss' father according to Female Boss
Noteworthy: Loves me

The One

Age: 9
Status: Dog
Position: Female Boss' needy companion
Noteworthy: Untrained

Pigfoot

Age: 6
Status: Another Dog
Position: Usurper
Noteworthy: Pugnacious

Puppy

Age: Puppy
Status: Puppy dog
Position: "I call the big one Bitey"
Noteworthy: Nameless dog we call "Puppy"




Fairly normal workplace, as you can see. We are business liaisons for some big name companies. Our business is making people happy. We run shop outta Male Boss' investment property. Things get kinda crazy. Welcome to my world. Oh and by the way, its all real.

If you are new to the site follow this link scroll down until you see "Archives" on your right and read through the posts chronologically. Enjoy.

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