Master of Analogy 3

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Let's go back a few years ago, when Hector was a pup.. the year is 2005 and I posted a couple sensational peeks into Female Boss' backwards way of thinking and translating those thoughts into what we laymen would readily recognize as a a form of communication but would never concede the communication as being an intelligible string of words. Most of us rubbed our foreheads down to the bone pondering what, if any, boundary of human decency would eventually get in the way of Female Boss' incredible and fearless attempts to continually ooze inane commentary upon the world. That boundary.. that obstacle, as it were, is yet to meet Female Boss or even slow her down. With wanton disregard for all that is virtuous and right in the world, Female Boss has sullied my slightly impure sphere with her chatter once again (agayn for my Canadian audience).

Female Boss arrives at the Investment Property a little bit after me. I can tell that something is on her mind, as she carries The One in her arms. She is not settling down in her seat, instead she looks to be doing some kind of moron dance with The One that involves doing a lot of pacing, half turns and pirouettes. Before I am mesmerized by her irrational undulations, Female Boss cracks.

"I'm really depressed today, Northe."

I don't say anything, no need to throw gas on a potential inferno.

"I haven't had time to see my family. I haven't gone out with my friends at all in the last week. I feel isolated. Work is taking a toll on me."

I'll be honest and tell you that the last week she is referring to has been about normal. No more than a 40 hour week.. but maybe that's exactly what the problem is. Instead of showing up at noon and leaving before me or showing up on time at leaving at 2, Female Boss has been putting in some pretty honest days. The feeble frame that holds her warped reality together is giving way due to what most of this country would call a pretty normal week.

"I just don't get it, where is everyone? Why is no one calling me?"

Its one thing to bitch but its totally another thing to bitch out loud. One might gather that I am not the most compassionate of the executioners within a six block radius, so make no mistake when I point out that I can really give two shits when someone like Female Boss is trying to come off like she has some problems. I'd hogtie Huckaboom with guitar string to have my biggest problem of the day be wondering why someone hadn't called me. Especially when she can fuckin call them. People should really pick what information they share out loud cuz most of the time you're gonna come off looking like a complete douche.

Before noon, one of The Romans give a call in. If you don't recall any of The Romans, its bcuz I have likely mixed them in with The Plastics but that will not be the case any longer. I am keeping specific record of who calls in when I can. Whatever, a Roman calls in and Female Boss is giddy. Female Boss' delight is soon trampled by her overwhelming need to share her sorrow and bring others down with her. Enter the Master of Analogy, the third.

"Oh, well you have no clue how depressed I have been, been.. b e e n. . ."

"It just feels like the day isn't going to end, end.. e n d . . ."

"I'm over here counting the minutes, inutes.. i n u t e s . . ." (yep, she didn't pronounce the m, you know, for effect)

After her three sentences are done I can only picture The Roman on the other end of the phone playing a sick game I like to call How Far Will You Go.. you know the one.. grab an ice pick and steadily ease it into your ear canal.. mmhmm, that's the one.. its a family favorite. Oh and worry not friends, Female Boss explains her stupidity to The Roman before the game comes to its twitchy and rather disturbing conclusion.

"Well yeah, its like an echo.. cuz you know, I am feeling isolated. Like I am in a cave or something. Isolated. Get it?"

Heh, I get more than what you think you are passing along. I get that you should be tarred and feathered. I get that you barely move the needle when it comes to being a form of intelligent life. I also get that I have never come across a more annoying person when you are trying your hardest to be witty. You're worse to watch and listen to than the Full House pilot. I can only smile, point, wink and nod up toward the heavens every time you spark that fury within me, but there is a bright side in all this.. at least you didn't reproduce.

Boss Warfare 9

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Scenario #1: Female Boss absolutely flipped on Male Boss when he asked her a question about a store she was going to visit during lunch. If I remember this one correctly, a Plastic recommended Female Boss go drop a few hundred dollars on a t-shirt or something at some name brand shit stain downtown. Female Boss announces it to the office and rather than being met with her usual silence, Male Boss has something to say about it:

"You have been there before, remember? You told me."

Female Boss answers back, "I know."

The truth is she didn't know. It was one of those I know's that a pre-teen says when you give them something they've never heard of before but its their programmed response. You could tell the disappointment in Female Boss' voice when she answered too and kind of that realization that Male Boss was indeed correct.

Male Boss asks her, "So what did you get last time?"

Female Boss, about to put a stack of papers into a file folder, shoves the papers into the file full force, "Gee, that's a great question! What did you get last time? Huh!? What did YOU get!?"

That was called for.. and better yet it makes sense to react that way.. there is no other rational reaction.. ever..

Scenario #2: Female Boss ended up spending a good $40 on high end, "healthy" snacks to have here at the office. Examples, dried wasabi peas, these weird fancy bread stick things, these organic mini cake things with flax seeds baked into them.. weird shit like this. I found little to no interest in eating this stuff as nothing tasted that good to me. Whenever Female Boss offered me some, I would usually just refuse and say I brought my own snacks. Male Boss concurred with my analysis of these trial purchases and expressed his distaste for them in a much different way.

Male Boss got up from his permanent ass-groove dent on the sitting room couch and headed for the kitchen for a snacky snack. Being out of potato chips and bacon grease, Male Boss was forced to dine on the crap that Female Boss bought. Combining sheer boredom and the desire to get rid of the high budget allowance of flavorless munchies, Male Boss turns to his reliable tenants.

"Here you go. Take this one. No? You don't want?"

Female Boss' misbehavior radar picks up the signal and forces her to engage, "What are you doing in there?"

"The dogs don't like the shitty human treats you buyed."

"Why are you feeding my food to the dogs?"

"I can't. The shit you buyed, the dogs turn the back on." He tries again, "Come on, take it boy. Stupid shit. They don't like, Female Boss."

"Leave them alone please."

"How much you pay on this shit and they ain't eat it?"

"How about you leave the dogs alone and leave me alone. Just get the fuck outta here."

"Ok, I get the shit out of here."

I hear Male Boss rustling with the bags of goods. The front door opens and soft thuds are heard. The next sound I hear is Dunkirt snorting happily and the door slams shut. Female Boss bounces up from her desk.

"What the hell did you just do?"

"Got rid of the shits. The dogs don't eat but the pig will."

"You son of a bitch! You know how much that costs?"

"Where's your humor?"

"Gone! You have taken all my humor from me long ago."

"You ain't got none? You ain't got no humor?"

"Leave me the fuck alone!"

"You ain't got no humor and you ain't got no snacks. Don't ever buy those shits again. The dogs turn the back and the pig doesn't know any better than this."

Not that I am much on either Boss' choice on snack food I'll go ahead and side with Male Boss on this one. At least every blue moon I'll crave a salty, empty calorie munchy to make me feel American over one of Female Boss' oddities. Bring back the artery clogging goodies!

Day of the Fool

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

In honor of this day I'm gonna look back on a past April Fool's Day here at the office. Oh, and what about that whole lead-up from my last post? Technically this isn't the 250th Angry Time post cuz I have tossed in a few cheap fill-ins to compensate for being lazy and, more importantly, this "big thing" that is happening is a while coming still. So let's pretend I never posted that so I can get back to writing more stuff for you guys to read.

I remember the day quite vividly. I came into the office on time, Female Boss was already there. In fact, she was in the kitchen making a pot of coffee. The faithful among you are finding this odd cuz A) Female Boss is rarely ever there before me and B) she probably hasn't had coffee in a few years. Indeed, this was probably my first or second April Fool's Day at the office. Times were different, but Female Boss was just as dumb.

I came into the place, told her good morning and headed to my desk to start working. Female Boss came in a few minutes later. She stood in the doorway of the office till I felt her staring at me. I glance over, see her standing there, and get back to what I'm doing.

"Hey, Northe."

"Yeah," I answer.

"I have some bad news. My mother is really sick."

Time for the employee to pretend like he gives a shit, "Oh crap, is she okay?"

"Well, not really. I think I might have to go see her."

"Ok. No problem," I tell her.

"Like soon. She's not really holding up so well. I am kind of worried," she says.

"Ok, don't worry about it."

"Well, I probably will leave today."

"Ok..."

"Like this morning, like in an hour I have to be at the airport."

"Do you need a ride?" I ask her hoping the answer is yes so I can go grab lunch downtown after I drop her off.

"Well, I should just go now."

"Ok," I answer for the 50th time.

"Northe, I'm kidding! Its April Fool's Day!"

I give out a fake laugh and tell her, "Ha, you got me."

She is laughing pretty hard and heads back into the kitchen to get her coffee. The sad thing is that Female Boss thought that she got one over on me. As if when she starts to talk about an ill relative of hers, "not really holding up so well," I am going to call bullshit on her and tell her to stop fucking around. It really speaks to how insulting what she thinks a sense of humor is and was also a great indicator of what to expect of her as a person. All in all tho, I definitely learned something.. Female Boss taught me that joking about a parent potentially dying is never old hat.