Brain Dead

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

"These websites.. I don't get it," starts Female Boss.

I can only imagine what kind of nonsense is gonna strike my medulla oblongota. Female Boss is fairly decent when it comes to computers and fairly retarded when it comes to them as well.. though I am sure you would agree that empirical evidence leans more towards the retardation of her computer skills than her know-how. Either way, I only know to expect the worst when she is bitching out loud about her computer. It is her way of getting my expert advice and more importantly my attention to stew in her anguish with her.

"Whats the problem?" I ask.

"Well its these stupid websites. I can never find anything when I use these search engines."

"Which one are you using?" as if it matters...

"I like Ask.com for the most part. It seems to be the easiest. I can just ask the guy what I want and he gives me the results from there but isn't there an easier way?"

Ok, I kinda gotta dissect this statement before I get to the question. "The guy" she is referring to is the cartoon image of a butler, as in, Ask Jeeves.. Mr. Jeeves, if you will. I really have no clue how far the metaphor goes, if it really is one, but for her to say that makes me question her ability to comprehend the internet at all. Female Boss is far too literal when it comes to certain things so it is a cause for concern to those around her that may care. I, for one, do not so we'll just move on.

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"Well, I ask Jeeves the question and he doesn't really understand what I mean."

"Give me an example of what you put in the search field."

"The what?" Jeezus....

"Just tell me what you type."

"Okay. Like this one for example. I want to find out about this store back in Jersey. I want to see if it still exists and what they sell now."

"Okay."

"So I type in the field, (roughly remembered by me) 'Does Store in City, New Jersey still sell Products and are they still at the same address?'"

I am dead ass serious. Female Boss is typing complete sentences into this shit with multiple questions as if someone is reading them and finding the information at the speed of light. I couldn't believe it.

Speechless at first, I finally came up with the right words, "What? Are you serious? Ask Jeeves isn't giving you the answer or website you're looking for with that specific of a question?"

"I know! I don't know why I have so much trouble with it sometimes."

I had to take deep breaths and take it easy. I am on the verge of laughing but I want to continue the conversation and see how absurd things get. I can't. I will crack. Bad poker face. Then, Female Boss speaks again:

"Well, I mean isn't there a website search engine that finds what I want without searching for it?"

I didn't say a word. I stood up from my desk and went straight to the restroom. I had to laugh and have some "me-time" to contemplate the hilarity and stupidity of the statement. A search engine that finds what you want without you physically doing anything to generate a search for it! What the hell does that even mean!? Are we talking about a mind reading website? Isn't that what it boils down to? What the fuck is she thinking!? I dunno, Mexi, maybe I need to hire a taxidermist...

Boss Warfare 3

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Sole Scenario: Its the middle of the day. I get back from my lunch break promptly at 1pm. Taco Bell was on the menu cuz I felt I needed to build up my immunity, it was during a flue outbreak and I wasn't gonna fall prey to that bullshit. Dining at Taco Bell made sure of it. More on that theory another time..

I take a seat in the office and Male Boss comes in from the rear portion of the house laughing hysterically. Female Boss follows a few steps behind telling Male Boss, "You're an asshole."

Male Boss laughs harder and louder.

"Want me to tell you why she's pissed, Northe?"

I know better than to ask questions that will give me negative faction to either Boss. I keep my nose in my keyboard and just wait for the gem. Its gonna come, no need to force it or make an unsavory play for it. Just give it a second..

Snickering the whole time, "Come on Female Boss, can I tell him?"

"Fuck off, you fucking bastard."

"Come on, can I tell him how you took a big shit?"

I can feel the heat coming from the sitting room where Female Boss is seated. She has to be bright red with fury and embarrassment. Male Boss knows no boundaries when it comes to decency, especially with me in the office. He tries to be the guy's guy and it comes off about as smooth as sodomy with a pine tree.

"Come on, don't be mad on me. Its funny. You took a huge shit. Stinks up the whole house and clogs the toilet. I got my hands wet helping the toilet to swallow the shit. Just for you. You're gonna be mad on me, Female Boss?"

Female Boss storms out of the house without saying a word. Male Boss is laughing his ass off still. I chuckle a little with him. Poor lass, she really didn't deserve that. You guys though, my Angry Timers.. you definitely deserve it.

Printer Problem

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Its early in the morning and I am just arriving at work. Female Boss is in the kitchen, I say hi. I head to the office and take a seat at my desk. Male Boss springs up from his TV watching and already starts things off. Its a bit early for him, this means he is gonna be cranky. Sure enuff, Male Boss starts barking about some bullshit regarding the printer connected to his computer and how its not working properly. This is a good time for me to grab my trusty pen and pad, so I do.

From the kitchen, Female Boss interrupts his rant by throwing gasoline on the fire, "It just needs to be plugged in, Northe. Don't listen to him. We both know how brilliant of a mind he has when it comes to computers."

I do not get up from my seat. I sit there, waiting for the comeback. Then.. right on queue:

"Hey Northe, I'm pretty sure she fucked it up."

"Okay. I'll check it," I say gratuitously still waiting at my desk with pen in hand.

Why am I still seated at my desk? Are you kidding? Male Boss is just getting started, "She always fucks it up.. don't you Female Boss? Can never let shit the way it stays. Always wants to fuck around, right? Isn't that how you do?"

"You better shut the fuck up right now! I'll fuckin leave!"

Male Boss goes into a mumbling state, "Well I'm pretty sure you fucked it up."

I get up at this point as the pot has slowed to a simmer. Female Boss was quite right, the printer was unplugged.. for what reason or another I have no fucking clue.. and why she didn't solve the problem before it fell into my lap is a totally different skull to crack. It wasn't to conserve power as the power cable was still connected. Even she would know to turn the power 'off' on the printer, wouldn't she? So why the fuck it was unplugged is not for me to guess. I will leave that up to you guys. Anyway, I plug the shit in and call it a job well done.

"What was it then, Northe?" asks Male Boss.

"Oh, just the cable was unplugged on it.. its fine now," I says.

Male Boss focuses his ire toward Female Boss again, "So tell me, Female Boss why the fuck you like to fuck around and unplug that shit? Why the fuck you doing it?"

"I swear to God, you better shut your fucking mouth," she hollers.

"Fuck you, don't ever touch my fucking printer. Never again!"

I coulda counted to 5 at that point. **SLAM!!!** The front door slams shut. Female Boss is gone. She did not return that day. Male Boss didn't give a shit. He sat on the couch most of the day anyway. Crazy fucks..

Grooming the Demonseed Part II

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I last left you with the seed firmly planted, that yes, Female Boss did indeed hire a dog trainer to train her bird, Demonseed. Skipping over the fact that it would take a complete moron to do that we'll go right into the introductory dialogue between the two. It began something like this..

"Just so you know I have never worked with a bird before," said Trainer.

"No, I know. You told me before. I just want to see if we can get anywhere with this training."

Sidebar: Just so you know this took about 2 minutes to communicate to one another. The screaming of Demonseed and barking of the dogs was so loud they moved into the office to where I can hear them no problem. Once they were in the actual office it was much easier for them to communicate and much easier for me to write down their conversation.

"So what do we want to accomplish with Demonseed?" asks Trainer.

"Well, I just want Demonseed to be happy and not screech so much."

"Okay, we'll try with things that keep the bird busy."

Female Boss goes over to the bookcase and grabs some paper. "Like this?" she asks.

"Sure, paper will do."

For one hour these two chimps fed Demonseed paper and Demonseed proceeded to shred it up. Over and over again. They shot the breeze about how stupid each of them is and how its a marvel that people with such untraceable levels of intelligence even possess opposable thumbs.. you know, stuff like that. I just nodded in agreement the entire time.

Before long the "bird training" was just the two of them standing next to the bird cage and talking about music.. and get this.. Female Boss starts going off on how she loves to play the mandolin! She has not touched it in seriously 6-8 months I think. Its just so stupid. Oh, Demonseed? The bird is just standing there on its perch staring and these two whistling every now and then and just enjoying the fact that people are standing next to her for such a long time. The dogs have been barking, not furiously, but enuff to give an average person a headache after this much time has passed.

"Well I should really get going," says Trainer.

"Oh ok, no problem. How much do I owe you? It was two hours right?"

"Yes, $180."

Money well spent if you ask me. Gives me enuff info to write a story about and keeps Female Boss outta the office for a couple hours. Plus there was a lot of progress made. Imagine handing paper to a bird and the bird shredding it up! I mean, its practically inconceivable. The question becomes whether or not this is going to be an ongoing relationship. I am answered shortly thereafter!

"I can't help but notice the dogs are a bit unruly. Perhaps one of these days I can work with them."

"Oh my god! I never thought of that! What a wonderful idea! I think we're gonna have to do it!"

Dog trainer.. dogs.. hmm, dog trainer.. dogs. Dog trainer.. and.. dogs.. dog, trainer.. dogs.. dogs... trainer of dogs.. dogs.. hmm.. no. Nope. I got nothing. Thank goodness Trainer was able to put that equation together cuz there's no chance I'd have even thought of it! I heard a line once.. Shake the nut tree and you're bound to have a few fall in close enuff proximity to drive you to the point of murderous rage. Something like that anyway...

Grooming the Demonseed

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

The more and more I write on this blog the more and more I realize how much I leave out of it due to the worry that one day someone unsavory will stumble upon this blog, report me to the proper authorities and I will be out of a job. Things that I would rather not comment on cuz the connecting of such dots will only make it that much easier to corroborate yours truly in a fiasco to end all fiascoes. The more and more I think about it the more and more I really don't give a fuck. Seeing as though that would spark an entirely new set of Angry Times and the gloves would come off I am likely satisfied with the outcome or with my current state of affairs. So how about I do some more intimate stories involving these Bosses and their antics, yes yes?

We'll go on some idiocy that only Female Boss would think about pioneering. Blazing the trail from the territory of stupidity to less traveled roads.. into the lands of extreme mental retardation. What do I mean by this? Well let's see. Knowing what limited tidbits you know about Demonseed it would be safe to say that either A) you shoot the bird in the face with a paintball gun until an autopsy would reveal a failed set of lungs beautifully coated with a bevy neon colors or B) try to regulate the bird's behavior to where its tolerable. One thing's for sure, these birds are very bright. So why not treat em like any other pet and see if you can train em?

We're now crossing into the lands of extreme mental retardation. If you look out the window to your right you will see a smiling marble bust of Female Boss. To your left, miles of lifeless plains that signify the airy, open space in her skull.

"You know what I'm gonna do, Northe?" asks Female Boss.

"Not yet I don't!"

"I'm gonna get Demonseed a trainer."

"Splendid!"

The following Monday is here in a flash. Female Boss is excited about the trainer headed in to the office today. I am a bit indifferent, knowing what I know all I know is to expect the unexpected. I have become a cheesy character in a poorly written sitcom it seems. I'll just act surprised or feign interest whenever I am called upon.

Around 2pm the trainer, Trainer, shows up. Trainer is greeted with the deluge of horror that greets everyone that enters this vile domain. He's a pigeon of a man. Small, meek and a noting stench coming from his body.. and the matted gel like organic material one would likely recognize as his hair, he is likely swimming with disease. My antibodies quiver in the excitement of fighting off new bacteria.. now would be the ideal time for my HIV to flare up again.

Sidebar: I guess I'll make this a two part post guys. There is far more information and I feel I am long-winded as it is. No sense in boring you before I get to the meat of the matter. However, before I do I'll give you the cliff hanger that will leave you begging for more!

As the pasty husk of this individual passed by the office heading over to Demonseed's cage he waves in my direction.

"Hey, how ya doin," I tell him.

"Fine. My name is Trainer from Woof Woof Training."

Woof Woof Training. Oh, hell no! Please tell me Female Boss didn't hire a dog trainer to train her bird... then again what'dya expect? If I can redirect your attention again to the vast, open, lifeless plains to your left that is the equal to that of Female Boss' mind. To be continued...

Female Boss Mutterings 5

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Indeed! The latest installation of what used to be an all time favorite among Angry Timers. There definitely hasn't been a lack of Mutterings just a lack of will to continually jot them down and sort thru the everyday mutterings and find the real gems. However, in my endless quest to win your favor I have a fresh dose of Female Boss Mutterings that will boggle the mind, make you nod in agreement and scratch your head in bewilderment! Here goes..

"I like mindless tasks." - Yes. So do maggots. Food goes in, poop goes out.

"I'm gonna start getting out of my car and cleaning up trash at red lights." - Great idea. Clean the environment a bit. Just remember to start with the opposite side of the street first, then work your way back to your car.

"A guy like that needs to run for mayor." - After muttering something about how she saw some guy sweeping up the street.. that's good enuff fer'me!

"I'm not like.. all there." - Hasn't she said something along these lines before?

"Another day gone and I haven't done a thing. Oh well." - What? Are we keeping some sort of record now? Cuz up until this point I haven't questioned it being par for the course.

Well that'll do it for this post, friends. I'll do my utmost to keep the mutterings coming. Get the beers in!

Some Peoples' Kids

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I'm just gonna go off on a basic rant today. Nothing work related, just something that inspired a bit of anger from both ends of the spectrum.. as you'll see. Some people's kids are more frustrating to me than others and then the other half of the time I really don't give enuff of a shit to even bother commenting or caring beyond the moment.

The topic of discussion is what some peoples' kids eat. We're talkin crazy ass shit that people eat. Some people might think that sushi is crazy to eat. Those people are met only with a pike to the gullet when they say that to your ol' pal Northey. I personally think that mushrooms are repugnant. Why you'd want to eat fungus is beyond me but hey, I really don't give a shit either way.

The other day fellow Angry Timer, deBACLe, took a video from a wedding over the weekend of what was served to the guests for dinner. Jellied meat. Ever heard of this shit? No? Well, you're probably better off for it. Believe it or not it is served warm like a regular cut of meat. The key is to eat the dinosaur snot, I mean jellied meat, before it gets cold lest ye wish to eat a coagulated tapioca style slurry that is meat flavored. Sound appetizing yet? Have a gander at the video that deBACLe took --> Mmm, just like mom used to make.

That's some fucked up shit. I mean come on. Some breasts don't even shake like that. Its absurd. Cheers, deBACLe, cheers.

So then, the other day, Female Boss was gasping at some garbage in-mail that talked about how horses are bought in the United States, shipped over the great blue seas where they are butchered like.. well, animals.. and fit for human consumption. Female Boss was outraged. Sure, I can understand the whole majesty behind horses. I can understand that horses are considered an elegant beast and far more intelligent than most. People from India think we are sick fucks for eating cows, which they think are godly beyond all else. The bottom line is, when you're fuckin hungry you're gonna eat what you can get your hands and you gotta do what you gotta do to survive.

Hell, if you're starving I bet you anything you'll eat some shit that you never thought you'd eat. Its all about survival. How else do you think some bloke (<-- my tribute to the Crocodile Hunter may he rest in peace) in Russia sat there one day and somehow made a gelatinous cube outta meat remnants and pan drippings, served it to his family and the fuckin family looked at the mother fucker and said, "Hey dad, this is some good shit."

Hunger bitches! That's how. I say if you like the way it tastes and you're excited about grubbing down on some foul shit, Do it! Cuz at the end of the day, all the bitching and moaning coming from either end of the ocean about who eats what and what not doesn't amount for shit cuz neither culture is gonna change the other. Wow, that sounded like a PSA. My next post will be much angrier. Sorry :(

Chakhtee Strikes Again

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

You know my friend, Chakhtee? This mother fucker man. What a champion. I mean I know for a fact this guy isn't the brightest and I guarantee you he isn't gonna win any beauty contests but his luck is also a terrible, terrible shit storm. I don't think I have seen anything go his way ever. Plus, I haven't seen the son of a bitch in a while. Ever since he gifted us with Dunkirt he's been a ghost. This would all change and I bet that Female Boss wishes he had stayed a ghost.

A little background on this latest happening came about a little while ago. Basically Male Boss had the seed planted into his head that he should spend a few bucks and renovate the exterior of the Investment Property. He put in a few new planters out front, some new sod and was gonna pour a brand new driveway. The old concrete was kinda cracked and pretty badly stained. He had planned on putting in some brick trim to accent it and everything. A little curb appeal.. why not..

Without getting into the details of the project, after a few days the concrete is poured, smoothed out and ready to cure. They poured it down in the a.m. and I suppose they said after a handful of days the driveway will be good to go for all use. Its now late afternoon, the same day the crew poured the new driveway. Both Male and Female Boss are happy to finally be at the end of the project. Its gonna work out nicely and everything was handled within a week. Not bad at all.

Oh shits.

I'm sitting at my desk writing up some paperwork and hear Female Boss shrieking like a baboon. I get up from my desk and run over to her, I have no clue what's going on. For all I know she fell and broke her hip or something. Then, I see it..

Chakhtee.. ankle deep in concrete, but that's not all. Tire tracks carved into the driveway by Chakhtee's truck. Apparently he had no clue they were doing work on the driveway.. apparently those 6 inch stakes with the red twine marking off the driveway meant nothing to him.. apparently he didn't feel any drag on his vehicle when he hit the wet concrete.. and apparently he got out of his car so quickly he took four or five steps in the wet concrete before realizing the gravity of the situation.

Now I am to deal with the absolute horror of Female Boss going more ballistic than I have ever seen. She is not only screaming but she is cursing like a longshoreman and Male Boss is doing nothing to calm her down. I need you to picture this situation. Front door wide open. Chakhtee kinda stuck mid-stride in wet concrete, Female Boss screaming if he is insured to cover the damage, Chakhtee insuring her that he will repair the driveway and Male Boss telling Female Boss that its not a big deal.

Amazingly, within the tumult of the situation the dogs and Demonseed are about as dumbfounded as I am.. they're completely dead silent. They couldn't compete anyway, not against Female Boss, not today. Before a hobbit could eat a cupcake, a light goes on in Chakhtee's head. He starts retracing his footsteps in the driveway back to his truck, print by print. Chakhtee reaches into his car and grabs a squeegee from his front seat and starts smoothing out the footsteps one by one.

This does nothing to the demeanor of Female Boss. She storms away from the doorway into the main room ranting about how Chakhtee "has the nerve to say that it will look the same as before by the time he's done." I am trying to lighten the mood a little bit but Female Boss isn't having it. Before all is said and done, Male Boss is able to get in touch with the contractor and he sends out a couple guys to fix the damage. What a mess.

Everything turned out fine, the driveway is more than better and there's no remnants of the disaster that took place that day. Good thing too, cuz I've never seen Female Boss go that nuts. What a sight.. Oh, the reason Chakhtee came over.. he was so happy he landed a job at the local Smart and Final and wanted to share his excitement with all of us. Poor guy. I felt really sorry for him after hearing that.