Idiocy Knows No Bounds

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I may have mentioned in passing previously.. Female Boss does have a genuinely good heart but its that brain of hers that seems to be the problem. Empirical evidence definitely backs that statement up so I don't think I will go into it any further and just skip forward to the latest demonstration of stupidity. Even I had a hard time believing this one..

It was all revealed to me while eavesdropping on a phone conversation between Female Boss and some friend of hers. On its surface it seemed to me Female Boss was wasting more company time making random calls to unimportant entities. This went on for a good week or two. I really didn't pay much attention while they were going on but when I heard the recent news it all came together.

The conversation went something like this:

Female Boss started it off, "Hey Friend, I have great news! You know how I was commenting on your beautiful garden when I came by the other day? Well guess what!? I booked a wedding ceremony at your place two months from now!"

Angry Timers.. I am not kidding here. This was not a planned thing, this wasn't even something that was mentioned in passing. This was an outright surprise, if you will, planned by Female Boss that apparently, in her arid desert of a brain, didn't require any clearing with Friend or Friend's husband prior to making phone calls to fucking wedding planners!

Shockingly, Friend wasn't too enthusiastic of putting her house up for complete destruction within the two month period. Female Boss did her best to try and convince her that it was going to be great exposure for the property. This did not go over well either considering when she got off the phone Female Boss commented, "I guess they don't want their property shared with strangers."

I think my favorite selling point that Female Boss presented to Friend was:

"It'll be great. They said you can have all the leftover food!"

I'm really at a wall when it comes to this type of commentary. How someone could wake up in the morning and plan the life of two other people without consulting them first is beyond me. Sure, she's trying to be helpful, maybe get them some additional income.. fame.. anything.. but for fuck's sake when you don't communicate don't be shocked when people really dislike your fuckin meddling.

Let's Talk About Mars

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Aside from the fact that you people are the dumbest ever listening to the hype over the Mars, guess what else you stupid fucks? Just bcuz being 2 miles closer than its ever been, and the heap of dung that the internet tried to tell you that Mars is gonna be the size of the fuckin moon, doesn't mean shit. Now I know my Angry Timers aren't that fuckin stupid to believe that shit are you? Idiots. I bet a shit ton of you thought you were gonna see it. Even tho for the lead up weeks there was NO visible sign of it. Yeah.. that makes sense you titmouse. Cuz whenever things travel they appear instantly! Jeezus christ you idiots piss me off. The level of stupidity is off the charts. However, I will offer you some hope, cuz Female Boss has one-upped the shit outta all you with her latest in bout of stupidity.

Here's the conversation damn near word for word that I had with her a few days back:

Female Boss starts it off, "I think this whole Mars thing plays havoc on people's brain."

I lift my head up using the strength of my eyeballs. You know what I'm talking about.. when you are so fed up with life that you can just roll your eyes up into the back of your head and your chin follows suit. Try it if you don't believe me, shit head.

"How?" I ask, opening the mental retardation satchel that would be most equivalent to what we know as Pandora's Box.

"I don't know."

So not only has Female Boss evolved to the point where she can answer a follow up question without exhausting her entire body in the process but her insight is just unbelievable. Taken aback by such powerful words I slink back into my work.. thinking to myself Please, shut up. Please, shut up. Please, shut up.

"Maybe it depresses people."

The more and more time I spend here the more I feel like Female Boss works for the media. Her laziness and ability to say shit that no one gives a fuck about is astonishing. She really has a gift that mainly members of the media are blessed with. Irrelevant discussion coupled with mindless drivel. This conversation is only doomed to get better.

"I mean look at all the things that happened in the last two weeks with the hurricanes and stuff."

Two completely different thoughts that have nothing to do with each other and I imagine that she confused hurricanes for tornadoes considering thats pretty much whats been in the news. Unless she is that dumb. Hmm, ok. After further review, its a coin flip, so get it over with and move on. Then the hobo ramblings begin..

"Thing is everyone is acting really strange."

Oh, really? I haven't noticed, you whore! Unless you're talking about people going out of their way to waste my fucking time with mindless conversation! That must be what you're talking about..

"Shouldn't NASA be telling us? I mean, they can detect waves of energy. I'm pretty sure they can measure it."

Hoping to end the stupidity from impregnating me I just concur with her.

"Yeah, I'd imagine they can."

Measuring the waves of energy that depress people! NASA is much further advanced than I thought! The problem is that they aren't telling us. Those erudite fucks!! I hope Female Boss really follows up on this breaking story.. and then shares with me her findings...

Boss Warfare 2

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I thought I'd go ahead and resurrect this series again. See if I can't bring the numbered stuff back into the blog. I am finding a bit more time to post now so maybe I can get these 40-some stories written that I have on deck. Irrational reactions abound in this here series of shorts.

Scenario #1: Male Boss is in a rather punchy mood today. He has been screwing around with Female Boss, verbally, all afternoon. Female Boss is in no mood for it which forces Male Boss to continue berating her. Now, the lot of us would assume that in order to get another human being peeved it would take some harsh shit; however, Male Boss plays Female Boss like a fiddle. The simplest of things can send Female Boss through the roof. Such as:

"Wow, the dining room is smelling like shit!" says Male Boss coming into the office.

Female Boss ignores him.

"You let the dogs back there to shit? It smells like shit all in the lunch area."

"Please!!!" screams Female Boss slamming her hands down on her keyboard. She hit the damn thing so hard that some of the keys popped out.. which I had to put back into place. Bright red, Female Boss couldn't do any more work until I fixed her keyboard.. she might have realized she's a bit nuts.. might have..

Scenario #2: This one was rather odd. Female Boss has a friend, a Plastic, that she rarely ever hangs out with but she talks to all the time over the phone. I have never met the lady but we talk like we have met cuz she calls so often. Apparently Female Boss is going out with her for the evening and Male Boss doesn't like her. We'll call her Jamba cuz she has brought up smoothies all week with me on the phone for some reason.

Shocked, Male Boss asks, "You're going out with Jamba!?"

"Yeah, I haven't seen her in a while and I want to catch up with her," says Female Boss.

"You don't know what you're talking about. She has AIDS!"

I have no clue what that means but Female Boss got so pissed off she stormed out of the office for the rest of the day. It might be true or Female Boss might be psychotic. Possibly.. err rather, likely, both. Oh life..

Vegas: Last Day

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

The last day of Vegas is always weighed with circumstantial Pros and Cons. You never leave Vegas feeling completely the same way you have during any prior trip. For some I know they can't get outta there quick enuff. For others they are already long gone with early morning flights.

For me, it was rather bitter sweet. With how much fun I really had on the weekend its hard to just get up and leave. On the other hand, the three hours of sleep and bottle of Belvedere I have in my system when its 11am is racking my body. Saying goodbye to the friends under those conditions is always a laugh. Its a laugh bcuz you see the pain in the other guys you were with the night prior and you get to hear all the great stories passed along.

The final story I am going to share with you, I believe, happened on Saturday night. I could be completely wrong, it coulda been Friday. All I know is it was Tom Foolery, another fellow Angry Timer's, birthday. Good old Tom Foolery. Last year in Vegas I think he was sober the first 1.5 hours of the trip only cuz he couldn't get drunk on such a short flight. From that point on he was shit-housed. Now take a guy that drinks like that for no particular occasion and slam him in Vegas on his birthday weekend. However, this is the only story worthy of Angry Time print this year.

Tom Foolery and mO RLY (Morly) are both heavy drinkers. To my knowledge the drinking started way early in the day and reaching the point of surly and degenerate behavior is long passed. They are both at the point of indifference. The two men stroll over to the Poker Room and wish to get on a table. Tom Foolery is a pretty big gambler, he likes to bring a good amount and bet pretty big. Both Tom Foolery and mO RLY get in with no problems. I mean come on, they may be drunk but if they're gonna play poker they gotta be able to pull off the poker face to get in without much suspicion, right?

It is done. Now this is the story told to me by Tom Foolery himself: Apparently he walks in with mO RLY. Tom Foolery takes a seat at a poker table. He begins to gamble. He really doesn't remember how well he did, the only truths at that point of the night is that he is A) Drunk as shit and B) Gambling with his buddy.

Time passes, Tom Foolery is still both drunk and gambling. So far so good. He looks around for a bit to shoot the breeze with mO RLY. Good ol' mO RLY. Wait a second. Whe.. Where's mO RLY??

Tom Foolery is angry. He looks at the dealer, "Hey, where the fuck is my friend?"

Dealer responds, "Sir, you can't say fuck to the dealer."

Tom Foolery is insulted. That guy didn't just say that to Mr. Foolery, an esteemed gambler.. of sorts! Tom Foolery, with eyes glazed, focuses in on the three dealers in front of him and picks up his chips.

"Why don't you go fuck yourself."

Go take on the week!!

Vegas: Gambling 101 - Part III

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

The perfect storm is brewing. We have all the craps heavy-weights bellying up to the craps table. Legions of the fallen that have come before us are represented by dozens of stacks of chips guarded by the pit boss and two other dealers. The battlefield is set. We're deep enuff to do some damage. Its on.

I walk up to the table. There's no excitement.. not a good sign for craps. I get behind the table and right next to the dealer and set up camp.. then I cash in. Babs has the dice and finishes up rolling rather quickly. I didn't get much action on her rolls.. not sure if she hit any points or not. After she is done rolling, Babs and Equis leave.. no luck thus far. The shooting goes over to my brother.

Everyone is cashing in and getting situated. Memn is to my left, first time ever at a craps table. I tell him assuredly to just mirror me and play whatever odds he wants cuz I usually do max odds on "Pass Line" and "Come" bets.

Sidebar: I am not 100% sure how many points my brother or I hit but give or take 1 point for my own personal margin of error. Oh and another thing, I may use the word "dice" when I should use the word "die".. go fuck yourself if you have a problem with it.

My brother picks up the rocks and starts shootin. We're getting bets out there and before we know it he hits a good 4 points. We're starting off up at the table. That is usually a good sign but the dice is moving from my brother to foreign shooters on the opposite, far side of the table. Being gamblers we stay on the Pass Line and of the four or five shooters that have at it we pretty much stay even or maybe even gain a bit. I would say most of them hit at least 1 point if not two. Things are shaping up for this table to catch fire. The fact that strangers are keeping us afloat is huge. By last year we'd already be on our last leg.

Aww, shit! Maybe not. The dealer pushes the dice to me. I'll have you all know I am not the guy you wanna bet on in craps. I suck at craps. I love to play craps but I am no shooter. The only thing keeping me from passing is the day prior I played craps for 20 minutes and actually rolled a good dozen times without crapping out and made some cash for myself playing the Field.

For those that don't know, the Field is basically the numbers that aren't the most popular to hit. They are the rag tag bunch. You also get paid double odds on snake eyes and triple odds on double box cars (12). As sad as it sounds, these are my numbers. I roll the gayest crap you've ever seen. I know this, so I tell my friends, "Play the fuckin' field!"

The dice are comin out. I start hitting the stupidest numbers known to man. I am rolling Field numbers non stop and actually have a Field number as my point. I am keeping anywhere from $15 to $20 on the Field every time I roll. When all was said and done I hit the snake eyes twice and the double box cars once. I rolled 19 times +/-, hit 3 points and probably didn't roll a Field number twice. I made a good chunk of change off of my crap rolls. Did my friends listen to me and bet the Field with me? Of course not. My gain.

The next shooter up is Memn. New comer. He doesn't wanna shoot the dice after my ridiculous display. Everyone tells him to pick up the fuckin' dice. Damn good thing he did too. The man starts shootin like a champ. Hittin point after point and loading up the Come bets with numbers he is knocking down as well. After all was said and done I think the guy banged out 9 points for us. For those that don't know, this is huge. To hit 9 points you are rolling a good 35 times easy. He champed it up for sure.

We're all impressed, especially this older gentleman to Memn's left, The Next Shooter. This guy has been goin nuts, bettin big and winning really well since we strode up to the table. He's definitely a bigger gambler than us with quarters out on the table instead of nickels. The good thing is that he's gettin the jokes and laughing at my unique sense of humor. We all like this guy. The bad news is his wife is giving him the eye to get the hell off the table since he's up. He tells her that he's gonna shoot and they can leave. We wonder how he's gonna fare with a pair of dice in his hand.

The Next Shooter comes out and hits a couple points. Unfortunately, that was all he could muster. He shot maybe a dozen times or so, knocked down a Come bet for us but thats about it. He cashes out from the table up $1500. He's a happy man. We're sad to see him go.. but fret not! Cuz the bottom line is that he made us some money and the table remains heated for our two star shooters: RaeRae and Daku.

RaeRae is the next in line. A few years back RaeRae and Daku helped spark a blood bath in the Aladdin. We were at the table for a good 4-5 hours and just raped them dry. I think RaeRae rolled 51 times that afternoon and Daku rolled upwards of 70 and some lady with a voice deeper than any of us rolled in the 60s to 70s as well. That was something we've been talking about ever since. Today would be different.

RaeRae picks up the dice and starts chuckin em. Being the loud and obnoxious guy that I am, I keep the noise at the table up. I am the hype man. Its my job to keep the morale and the chatter going for our star shooters. The other side of the table finds me annoying as do my friends but I keep it up, shouting and clapping before every roll "Come on RaeRae!"

RaeRae does more than just that. He starts knockin down numbers, clearing Come bets and hittin the Hard Ways like its nobody's business. He's an unstoppable force. The table starts getting in on my hype. "Come on RaeRae! Come on RaeRae!" starts coming from the dealers even! We are regular yearly comers at the Luxor, most of the craps dealers know us. They know we tip if we win.. they are on our side, much to the chagrin of the pit boss. He wasn't ready for what we were bringing today.

"Come on RaeRae! Come on RaeRae!" Boom! Another point knocked down and the table erupts. More Hard Way bets are thrown down on the table, RaeRae doesn't disappoint. He's hitting Hard Ways almost every time he rolls an even number. The tide of the table is completely in RaeRae's corner. He surpasses his 35th roll, still gunnin. 40th roll comes out, still hittin numbers!

Dealer change comes up. They change out every 15-20 minutes it seems. No biggie. However, this time there's something brewing. The dealers aren't communicating well on the switch. This lady dealer doesn't understand who has what bets. Its bad. She starts arguing with Setty. RaeRae and I are getting pissed. He doesn't roll for at least 5 minutes. He comes out right after the bullshit scene and smacks down another point. That'll learn em to try and cool the table.

Then, not but a few rolls later, the lady dealer starts questioning shit again! It seems blatant. I don't like it. What the hell is her deal?, I keep thinkin to myself. Then, this whore does the unthinkable. All Come and Hard Way bets come down and are passed back to us. I'm furious. RaeRae has been hitting every number in the book and the House brings down the bets. Total bullshit. Its in their favor for sure and everyone starts replenishing their Hard Ways. The problem is you can't replenish Come bets unless you start re-betting. The shit of it is that every Come bet placed is a Come bet that shoulda been paid out. Total crap. We're all peeved.

This doesn't phase RaeRae tho. This huge, stoic, beast of a man from the other side of the craps table echoes my calls to hype the table back up, he booms out "Come on Rae!" I think the whole casino shook. RaeRae heeds the call. More shots come out, more money is made. The same guy then sets down $5 Hard Way bets for RaeRae. A player betting for another player, that's class. I take a look at this guy's chip stash. He has a complete row of black chips and then some. He has another mini row forming of purples ($500s). No wonder he's betting for RaeRae, he's paying off his house playing craps with us!

RaeRae continues. He rolls a good 10 more times, then bad voodoo starts breaking out. Some lady is trying to squeeze in between Setty and Daku. "That's not a spot, lady" says one of the dealers to her.

She ignores them and this goes on until she gets the point. RaeRae is continuing to cool down. Then, an argument breaks out on the far end of the table. Some stupid whore on that end has a $10 Pass Line bet out with like 15 chips backing it up as her odds.. that's way too much money. She's an idiot. The dealer tells her as much. RaeRae rolls during this discussion. Bad business... by the time the stupid whore understands she has to take off some chips she instead moves all of her odds from behind the Pass Line to the middle of the Come bet area! This is where RaeRae has shot every.. single.. roll.. RaeRae shoots, he hits the chip stack.. he rolls a snake eyes.

Let me give you some perspective here, we are on roll #50 and RaeRae hasn't rolled one crappy dice roll this entire streak. He hits that stupid bitch's chip stack and a crap number surfaces. We're all pissed. RaeRae is holding in his rage. He takes the dice and shoots again. His next roll is a 3. Another crappy dice roll. Mother fuck!

I shake out the bad mojo from my wrists and look at RaeRae, "Its getting icky here."

Next roll. "Seven."

Piece of shit! Then, perspective. 54 total rolls, 11 points. RaeRae boasts that the huge guy's Hard Way bets for RaeRae earned him an additional $200. I look down at my chip stack. I am not at a "full" spot on the craps table but I have bridged the canyon of an entire row with greens ($25). We all give RaeRae a huge round of applause.

Setty's next up. He fires away and gets us two points. I'll take it. Even money if not a little in the positive. No problem. The guy that's next up to shoot is some random clown. I dash to the restroom as my bladder was about to burst when we first started shooting.

By the time I get back to the table the random shooter is out and Daku has already commenced rolling. Daku is the satin gloved roller of all the craps players. RaeRae has set the bar high, we are praying that Daku can keep it up.

He hits a point, sweet. Without recanting the entire tale it was without much spark. Daku did hit a few points tho. We made money off him. My brother was the next up. I look his way. He already has his chips down on the table in front of him. I nod, time to go. We're up and we best walk away now. We destroyed the table and ended on a great roll. We pack up and cash out.

Everyone won between about $400 and $1400. The $400ish went to Memn cuz he bet conservatively being his first time ever at a craps table. Hell, if I made that much my first time at a craps table I'd be stoked. My brother took the $1400 spot being a bigger gambler than the rest of us. I did really well. It was my first time walking away from a table with a yellow chip ($1000). Makes you wonder how much The Next Shooter woulda won if he'd have stayed. Great times. Not bad for nearly three hours of playing craps. That's how its done.

Vegas: Gambling 101 - Part II

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

When winning, there's no funner game than craps. There's no game that pits the collective of gamblers against the house better than craps. Whenever you walk into a casino and there's noise being made, its at a craps table. You don't hear it like that anywhere else on the floor. When a table is hot, the energy is incredible. The problem is that its not a sure fire game. Shocking I know but truth be told.. Vegas wasn't built off of donations from winners.

Before getting into the craps story I'd like to knock out a tale regarding 3 Card Poker. Now I haven't played this one at Vegas before. Its pretty fun. Low odds, high payout. My friend and another fellow Angry Timer, Bonky, followed me to watch me lose my ass playing this table game. He's never seen the game before so I am explaining to him how it all works, the different bets, how you get paid and how you are playing with the 3 cards dealt you and only those 3. I win my first hand and the pit boss calls for a new deck. Great..

Using the time effectively I continue to try and explain the game to Bonky. I am not sure if he's getting it cuz I don't think I was doing a good job. Not the biggest deal, the new cards are good to go and being dealt. I lose a couple hands telling him the way of the game further. Bonky then glances at the odds on the table and questions, "Hmm, wonder what a straight flush looks like in 3 card."

I flip over my hand and tell him, "Just like that." The bad news is that I didn't have a crazy bet out. Just a triple bet of tenners on the ante, the paid plus and the play bets. Either way it was over $250 so I just walked away to grab some el lunche. I hope the next time Bonky watches me gamble on Megabucks he says, "I wonder what winning the jackpot looks like."

Wow, this is going to be a long post. I think its gonna have to be a three parter. Sorry guys but I don't want to short change the happenings that Saturday morning so you're gonna get the set up to the craps table and you're gonna have to deal with it. Here's how the lead up started tho.

I head up to go grab a sangwich from Quizno's with Gatsu and deBACLe. Without boring you of tales of double scoop frozen yogurt desserts, all you need know is that Daku comes up to the dining area and informs me that a $5 craps table just opened up. This is huge cuz playing $10 craps on my budget or anyone's budget that isn't in the multiple thousands is an expensive venture. With the thought of $5 craps on a Saturday afternoon in my head I charge up to the room and head back down to the floor with Gatsu.

On our way up to the room we run into the lucky roulette guesser from the night before, Setty. He's in. On the way back down from the room our floor stops on the 16th floor. In steps another one of us, Memn. I tell him $5 craps table. He says he's never played before. That doesn't stop him with a bit of coercion on my part. By the time we make it to the table the line up is as follows: Myself, my brother, Memn, RaeRae, Equis and Babs, Setty and Daku with Gatsu and Beardbar waiting in the wings. It shaped up to be strong showing. The stars definitely aligned themselves this day but I cannot help but compare it to the year prior.

The prior year was a pathetic display. We were about 10 deep coming out of a brunch buffet and decided that hitting the craps table would result in an easy victory. Damn were we mistaken. I can only speak for myself but I know I lost $250 in about an hour last year. On a $5 table that really means that the only thing happening was the table being set up for a run and being knocked down. That's pretty much how I remember it. The truly sad thing is that we played the "Don't Pass Line" about 20% of the time to keep ourselves afloat.. to no avail. We were scattered and decimated. However this year would be different. This year vengeance was on the agenda. Come back tomorrow for the long and drawn out writings of Vegas: Gambling 101 - Part III.

Vegas: Gambling 101 - Part I

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

What's a Vegas trip without a lil gambling? We definitely go there for the opportunity to cry victory in the middle of the casino and this year's trip among the friends was no exception. As I mentioned before, I wasn't packing as much cash as I usually do, about half as much, hence hanging out by the pool. It matters not, you can only hope to contain the dragon. With that said, this is another two part series. Next one will be on Monday.

This will be a two day tale of triumph. Friday night I stayed away from the tables for the most part. Mostly due to the fact that I had a whole lotta sake in me and I don't like to gamble drunk. I know, I know.. everyone says that gambling drunk is the best cuz you are numb to losing and winning while drunk is insane.. I'll just take your word for it. When I get wealthy enuff to not care at all when I lose I'll do it, till then I at least want to make a memory.

So we get back to the casino from Nobu and fools are hittin the tables. I am in the background bullshittin with a few other guys. A fellow Angry Timer, Setty, was getting his ass handed to him on the blackjack tables. He comes off the tables pretty pissed off. So using my superior intellect I offered him some sage advice:

"You gotta play something that you hate, you know, switch it up a bit."

Setty throws my advice to the wind. That's usually a fatal mistake. Luckily he is my friend.

"What's the game you hate worst of all?"

"Roulette," he answers.

"Go play roulette!!"

Again, ignored. Thankfully another Angry Timer, Daeth, was listening in on our conversation. He strolls up to Setty and begs him but one request, "Setty, give me a number between 1 and 36."

Without hesitation Setty answers, "21."

Daeth turns his back on the conversation and makes his way to the roulette table some 20 feet away. He places down a $20 bill, cash bet. I stood back with another Angry Timer, Gatsu, with a smug look smacked on my face knowing exactly what was going to unfold. The group of friends is at least 20 deep. Everyone starts to buzz not knowing what all is going on. The wheel starts and the number is but seconds away from being decided.

You know the outcome. I am not even going to glorify the fact that when I am right I am right. There's no point. Just take one thing away from you.. when Northe offers you any type of advice, just listen and comply. Simple as that. Listen.. and comply. Its Friday sirs, get 'em in.

Vegas: How We Do's It

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I guess I have a couple extra stories to tell so this series of tales will go into next week. I was hoping to have wrapped this all up in one package by Friday; however, doing that would only short change my fellow Angry Timers. So let's move on to post-plantar blisters to later on that evening. Sushi Night! Its a celebration, bitches!

Like many things I do with my time I do it high class. Class, class, class. Hah, yeah right. Tho I will go high class a bit of the time in Vegas. Sushi is definitely that way. If you haven't been to Nobu in the Hard Rock you should definitely go if you have the cash to a) pay for overpriced sushi and b) for the miso black cod. Other than that, the new age sashimi is pretty good and the spicy crab is up there too. The cuts of fish are great quality and the fusion of stuff makes it worth it. I am pretty spoiled when it comes to sushi so the regular sushi orders themselves aren't anything better than what I eat at home.

Angry Time suggests: go for the fancy dishes and live it up.

Ok, enuff with that bullshit. If I haven't mentioned it before, I love sake. Nigori sake to be precise. First off, its unfiltered so it looks like milk. If you're a visual pussy stay away from it. Secondly, its cold. Hot sake is crap. I'd rather drink my rubbing alcohol cold, you should too. Third, it is not super expensive and shooting sake gets the job done quickly. With 10 of us at the round table in Nobu we decided to take down 8 total bottles of sake and make the alcohol tab just over 1/4 of the total bill fee. Now that's good times.

With alcohol surging thru our systems we were loud, obnoxious and easily the funniest people in the restaurant. We had to have been cuz I was laughing so hard that even the servers would pass by laughing.. and it definitely wasn't bcuz we looked like idiots. Um... So this next joke, the whole reason behind the post, is not for everyone. I mean you'll get the punchline and all but the lead-up is for the nerds among us. Sorry, just skim it and find out what the last thing said was and get a kick out of it.

It has to do with World of Warcraft, I know about 50% of my readers play the game so thats why I feel its appropriate to tell this one. We are at the table talking shit about how we decimated our PvP server without being a zerg guild blah blah blah. Thats another story irrelevant to Angry Time. Anyway, a fellow Angry Timer, Annoxa, starts going off on a drunken rant. He is a druid, they don't kill fast, they are survivors, he makes this clear by shouting this at the top of his lungs. His volume returns to normal levels. Let's get one thing straight, normal levels for Annoxa is enuff to have only our neighboring tables hear him with perfect clarity. He continues and tells a story about being jumped by some Alliance fag elves and how it takes them forever to kill him. I'll quote him from here on out:

"Yeah, those fucking Alliance pussies. They come out like 3 or 4 of them to try and kill me, wearing those faggot fucking frost turbans from AV."

Then, he decides to turn up the volume to where everyone in the restaurant can hear him.

"Fucking stupid turban wearing mother fuckers!"

Oh, good. What better thing to say? Our whole table erupts in a giant, drunken burst of laughter. I raise my hand half-standing up. "Yes, yes, we are racists." Sushi, sake, friends.. you can never lose. Do it!

Vegas: Poolside - Part II

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Angry Time wasn't over quite yet for the morning. With three daiquiris working their way thru my system I wanted to get another. I perk my curious noggin up and that damn drink lady wasn't in sight. I have to go to the bar which is two pools away. Fuck! So, I get up and start heading over to the bar.

Hmm, that's curious, I think to myself as each step I take leaves a layer of skin melted on the deck of the pool area. Well shit, ain't this a daisy, I think to myself as I know stopping will only result in my feet permanently stuck. By this time of the day there are now hundreds of people out here and if there's anything a prick like me with alcohol in his system can't do is I can't look like a bitch, not now! I press on, in excruciating pain, and I finally spy a puddle of water. I reach the water, my feet have never felt so good. I stand in it for about 2 minutes completely cooling my feet. Ok idiot, you gotta move.. people are starting to notice. I muster up the courage to charge for the bar as I am within about 50 feet.

Just go and don't stop, quick like a bunny! The first step I take is roughly 14 times worse than the last step I took. I hold back the urge to scream like a stuck pig and make it to the shade of the bar. The shade didn't even feel good. I broad jump at least 38 feet onto the damp carpet and just stand there. The bartender asked me what I wanted twice before I even acknowledged him.

I order another daiquiri. I think after the first one I ordered he kinda scoffed at me. This time he insulted me and put a fuckin cherry in my drink. I plucked it out of my drink and wrapped his dollar tip around the cherry and placed it back on the drink counter. I walked away with a macho spring in my step while sucking down my slurpee.

FUCK!!!

I gotta walk back. I honestly think if I looked at my feet they would have been sloughing skin. They were likely burnt to either a roasted red hue or a golden brown, either way I wanted to shove the straw in my drink thru my ear and into my brain. I leaped like a gazelle from puddle to puddle, into the first pool, over to shade, onto unoccupied chairs, waved at hot chicks and smiled thru the excruciating agony, all the while screaming every bad word and phrase I could think of in my head.

After all this, I was only half way back to my chair, standing on the opposite side of the pool that I was seated near. I still had to make it to the other side. So I waded into the pool with drink in hand and crossed that shit as if I was Moses himself. Lifeguards blew whistles and screamed at me as the thought of my red beverage would taint their blend of sweat, feces, urine and that filmy layer of sun tan lotion that they refer to as "the pool."

I ignored the jeers and made it to the other end and where my chair was without talking any shit back. I was pretty proud of myself. I definitely woulda been kicked out and I had a drink to enjoy, the alcohol made me keep my mouth shut and worked out nicely.

My pride quickly turns back to the pain in my feet. I am pretty sure I bloodied up the pool with my mangled feet but screw it. I returned to my chair greeted by laughter from the couple to my right. They totally saw me dying and took pleasure in my pain. What can I do? I was a total fool. I took a seat and looked down thru the vinyl ribbons of the chair, I shall never leave you again, I said to my flip flops that I brought out by the pool for that very reason. Well done Northe, well done.

Vegas: Poolside - Part I

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Alright. Off the bat I am sure that 90% of you are wondering what the hell Northe is doing out by the pool while at Las Frikkin Vegas. Well lemme tell ya. I didn't have a lot of money to gamble with this year, like I said before, so I was doing my very best to stay outside of the casinos unless absolutely necessary. Before I get criticized further just know that I walked out of Vegas with nearly $500 more than what I came in with so winner, winner chicken dinner for me. Eat it.

Basically I woke up at the crack of dawn on Friday cuz I didn't stay up late. See above paragraph for repetitive explanation. I find out the pool opens up at 8am and I head on over there after a few laps around the casino and seeing that no one I went to Vegas with was awake or at least gambling yet. The crazy shit is that it was actually cooler out in Vegas than it was in L.A. There's no humidity in Vegas and that was very welcome considering how insanely nasty it was the last week and a half out in L.A.

I go ahead and grab a few towels from the stand and find out that I am about the first one out there. I see 600 chairs or so, I pick what I deem to be the best one. Thirty minutes into my cooktime I go wade into the chilly waters. That damn cold pool sucks for about 30 seconds and then it feels great. I stay in for about 10 minutes bullshitting on the phone with my friend. I get out and look back in my chair's direction. Mind you, there are literally hundreds of chairs all over this 2 pool area and a whole other section with two other pools and hundreds more chairs. So imagine my blood starting to boil when I turn to see my entire row packed with people and no where else. I am pissed.

I had this one couple to my right, whatever not that big of a deal. The guy ended up being real cool and bought me a pair of strawberry daquiris, before the end of my visit to the pool. Before I get shit about that you fucks, they didn't have Belvedere out by the pool so I'll take a thirst quencher. Before you say beer, I hate beer, so shut the hell up. Daquiris bitch! Alcoholic slurpee! If you can plug up the testosterone dripping out your nose for two seconds you can appreciate having a flavorful, chilled drink while poolside in 100+ degree weather.

The biggest problem was the lady and by lady I mean hippo and by hippo I mean zeppelin that took the end chair on my left. Once I notice her I head back into the pool and commence shit talking about her to my friend so I could actually head back and continue baking myself without being vocal. That's one of my personality traits, once I have pent up steam about anything I need to pry open the release valve or its gonna come out in more distasteful fashion or in a more inappropriate time. Upon careful examination of this behemoth, I was reminded of a childhood memory, maybe you can relate:

I take you back to the times when Disney actually made good movies, tho this wasn't that great in my opinion, it was more of an experience.. much like the nausea unfurling in my stomach. Let me put it to you this way, if I was an alligator with a cape and feathered pimp hat I would have been doing pirouettes with this mammoth. She wore a one piece that words only fail to describe, maybe the image will help. I shit you not this is exactly what she wore. The only difference was instead it was a pastel color, some sort of bluish purple.. fear not tho, it was equally repulsive. Oh, ballet..

The thing that really pissed me off tho is that neither party, to my left or my right, decided that moving the chairs inches away from my chair was a good idea. Seriously, its just dumb, we are but a few people out there and we should have mere millimeters separating us? I eventually made my way back to my chair holding in my stomach bile long enuff to politely asked her to scoot her shit the fuck over. She had to get up and rearrange and all this nonsense.. it probably took her about 3 minutes. Do I feel bad? No. I will not compromise my comfort nor have my portion of the sun blocked by this beast. She actually moved her shit about a foot away from me and I couldn't have been happier. The angry guy wins.

That's only Part One of my morning. Part Two tomorrow.