"Company" Cell Phones

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

It was decided that the company, read as: everyone but me, should have cell phones. Before you get the image of in-office communication being handled via tin cups and miles of string, understand that everyone does already have a cell phone.. which makes the executive decision all the more suspicious. I have no clue why Female Boss wants to move herself, Male Boss and The Professional over to a Company Cell Phone program. The only thing I can think of is for tax purposes and maybe that she can pay less than her individual cell phone plan yet use more minutes.

Either way the order was placed and the new cell phones were en route. When they arrive, I come to find out that Female Boss ordered herself one of those multi-functional blackberries, whereas Male Boss and The Professional are stuck with basic crapshop flip phones.. zero bells and/or whistles. I guess these pissant phones for Male Boss and The Professional don't have sim cards or anything like that either.. maybe that's last year's technology but I know all the cell phones I have owned in the last few years have had one so that seemed kinda odd to me.

The reason why she has made the switch is becoming clear.. shocking to think that Female Boss would make a self-serving decision without running it by anyone essentially. Well, that statement is only slightly unfair I guess. She did let Male Boss know she was going to do this. Of course Male Boss had no rational means by which he can question the decision. You see, Female Boss is smart enuff to know that discussing anything outside of potato chip trivia and tight fitting manorexic jeans with Male Boss is equivalent to talking nuclear fission with a pine cone.

The beauty with Female Boss' promotional deal is that as soon as she receives the cell phones she has to call the company to activate them. So she goes ahead and calls up the now infamous tech support compound for the world located in India. First things first, *ahem* "Lisa" prompts Female Boss to turn on her phone and retrieve a text message she has now sent her to begin the activation process. As likely as a scenario as there ever was, Female Boss starts having a fit, "Its not working."

Being the tech guru of the office, which isn't saying much, I offer my outstretched hand silently to see if I can figure out the problem. Female Boss ignores my advances and keeps going thru the PowerOn procedure. "Lisa" starts getting impatient and inquisitive, "Yes the battery is in, I put it in myself," snaps back Female Boss sternly.

"I mean does the thing have any power in the battery? Should I charge it?" she says while still fiddling with it.

After a few more minutes, Female Boss starts voicing her complete befuddlement as to why they sent her "a defective phone."

Again, I hold my hand out. Female Boss gets the hint and hands me the phone. I don't bother hitting the power button bcuz I know she has tried this approach a good 48 times to no avail. Instead, I flip the phone over on its face and pop open the battery casing. Shocking, no battery.

"There's no battery in here, Female Boss," I say as I hand it back to her.

"There has to be, I put it in myself!"

I grab the box from the table, remove the hunk of plastic that is the battery and remove it from its taped-closed, plastic sleeve, "Here ya go," I say.

Female Boss is now explaining to "Lisa" that she knows she put the battery in and even goes as far as saying, "Ok, I'm putting the battery in again."

Now we come to her sim card. Female Boss exclaims with great delight, "I have a zin card!"

"Lisa" tells Female Boss to get her "zin card" from her old phone. Female Boss can't immediately find her phone and freaks. She starts slamming the palm of her hand all over her desk on piles of paper seeing if her cell phone is underneath anything.

"Oh I know, its in my car. Would you mind holding?"

Female Boss goes out to her car. About 5 minutes pass. She comes back in.

"Have you seen my cell phone, Northe?"

Leave me the fuck alone, "No."

She gets back on the phone and tells our resident chutney-butt "Lisa" that she cannot find her "zin card" and if its necessary to have to activate the phone. "Lisa" tells her yes. Female Boss puts her back on hold.

"Did you see me put down my cell phone anywhere, Northe?"

Jeezus fuck, of course I did! In fact, Female Boss, I can't get any work done until I find out where exactly you set down your fucking phone, "No."

"I have no clue if I even brought it to the office today!"

I would venture to say that a goldfish has a better memory than you, "You must have, you called me from your car while on your way in to ask about Client Meeting."

"Oh you're right, did I have it on me when I came in to the office?"

I stop answering.

Female Boss keeps slamming the palms of her hands around her desk. I look at Female Boss doing her best cave man impression and throw out the advice, "Did you check your jacket?"

"Oh! Where is it?"

My voice goes monotone, "On the back of your chair..."

Female Boss finds her phone in her jacket and gets back on the line.

"Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello!? HELLO!? They put me on hold!"

The nerve of those people...

A few minutes go by and Female Boss starts up a new conversation, "Oh hi, Amber, I was just on hold with Lisa, she was helping me set up my zin card."

"Amber" says something that makes Female Boss say back with a puzzled look on her face, "No I am pretty sure its a zin card, I don't think I have a sim card."

"Amber" catches on pretty quickly and realizes that she is dealing with an underdeveloped mind and starts trying to set Female Boss up on the network. Female Boss is following "Amber's" instructions and interjects, "Hey what's this button on the front?"

"Amber" goes thru probably ten different answers to which all are met with Female Boss saying, "No, its on the front of the phone."

Which really means the back of the phone. Which really means that its not a button. Which actually turns out to be the camera. "Ohhhhh, the camera!" says a delighted Female Boss.

Yeah, fascinating. Then, to my satisfaction, "Amber" puts Female Boss on hold. About a minute goes by and a now offended Female Boss is speaking with "Anne."

"Uh huh, well Anne, I wanted to speak with your supervisor if they are available."

Female Boss is connected with Associate. She tells Associate that she feels like no one wants to help her with her problem. Obviously leaving out the fact that she has the inability to follow simple instructions without interjecting irrelevant queries at the drop of a hat. However, the diligent Associate takes the problem into his own hands and gets Female Boss set up after 10 minutes. Female Boss then hands me her phone. On the screen is the Tutorial Process loaded into the phone. Now why would Female Boss hand me the phone now? Well the answer is obvious, so she has no clue how to work her phone in the future. Sounds good to me.

Once I am done and am pretty familiar with her phone I hand it back to her. She starts squinting and doing the ol' phone close to the face, phone far away from the face technique. Apparently she is having a hard time reading it and then lets me know, "I can't read the numbers."

Female Boss fumbles around for her 99 cent store glasses, puts em on and says, "I still can't read the numbers." She grabs a 2nd pair of glasses and puts them on over the other pair. Looking like a complete ass, as if she needed any help from either pair of glasses, Female Boss starts pecking away at her new phone with a big grin on her face. Needless to say, she never really figured out anything regarding her new phone and was even asking multiple questions to an unanswering Northe. Oh well, like I give a fuck.. you hand me your phone when its tutorial is ready to teach you how to use it you deserve to suffer thru the most menial task.

Hey, Another Year Here

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

The New Year came and went like a flash, never quite as eventful as some of the local boobery would have you believe, agreed? The good thing about ringing in the New Year is that we get to look forward to a whole other year of work.. yeah, great.

As most of you dread your decades of toil to come, walking into your usual office with co-workers you'd sooner gib in the name of John Fucking Rambo than offer them a whiff of the bathroom after you launched a sea pickle, your buddy Northe gets to walk in on the glorious Male Boss. Indeed, walk in on Male Boss futzing around with his 9 deck stereo system circa 1982 crackle, pop and hum thru his speakers until I am subjected to this. Go ahead, stay a while and listen..

Now as happy as "Brownprideroldies" is to be sharing that travesty of a song with the world of You Tube, I assure you I met Male Boss', while wearing a stinky shirt, sweat pants with a sheer worn down crotch and filthy socks, beckoning me to get up and do something that looked like "The Twist" with as cold and hard as a stare as that same You Tube uploader. All I needed was loc's and a button up shirt so I could just affix the top button to pull off the full effect.

"Come on, Northe! Its the New Years!" then singing in his horrid accent, "Giddy up Ding-dong!"

If this is how ppl celebrate bringing in the New Year, I want no part of it. That is to say, unless maybe I'm at a lofty position overlooking said celebration with a sniper rifle. Then, I could see some corny ass New Year's Party being fun.. only then could I..

Seconds thereafter, I turned my back to him and immersed myself in any place I could pull this here move with little to no repercussions aside from using a little extra detergent for that particular load of laundry. Oh, lemme guess.. that still from the new Rambo means nothing to you cuz you didn't see it? Well listen up, jerkass, you need to see it to find out what all happens! Two kills per minute in that movie.. I've said more than I need to.

So after this charade that has left me feeling embarrassed for Male Boss, he continues to bring out all the old insipid crap he seasoned his youth with. The great news is that Female Boss has been secretly seething at her desk this entire morning waiting for her moment to strike back. You see, she has been keeping an eye on him quite keenly. When the opportunity presents itself, Female Boss gets up from her desk and goes over to the stereo.

A quick set up of the scene places Male Boss on all fours fucking around with the wiring on the floor. Female Boss storms to the front of the stereo and gives the volume a liberal twist. The result is nothing more than a noise, shorting sound and a pop that makes Male Boss jump up about a foot and a half. Female Boss' play was so well timed she waited for his head to be right next to the floor speaker and WHAM, let him have it. Screaming ensues.. illogical, irrational barking and hooting.

After quips about as notable as a Shake N Bake dinner, the discussion goes toward our usual direction of folly.

Female Boss starts up with, "So the deal is I am going to from now on tell our clients that you are no longer working for the company and have become a fag Euro DJ, right?"

The kicker to this is she slams his favorite cordless phone straight down to the floor smashing it at Male Boss' feet. Male Boss is just standing there, fiery red, with no words coming out of his angry maw.

"You're a complete waste of my time!" she screams.

Female Boss goes for his pack of cigarettes.. this here kind. Now I don't know the first thing about letting a dried up leaf of some plant control my life, but these aren't gonna get you a free pass to walk around in Marlboro country. They are as thick as like 3 fuckin toothpicks, I mean is he serious? Anyway, she grabs his pack up smokes, goes over to the kitchen and dumps them down the garbage disposal.

"I warned you!" she yells.

The soothing roar of the garbage disposal makes quick work of his cigs.

Male Boss lets loose, "You fucking bitch! You have a big mental problem. A big fucking mental problem!"

Female Boss lashes back like a foreigner with English for a 3rd language might, "I know I do! I have a big fucking mental problem, YOU!"

Yeah, that made sense. It gets pretty frustrating that these two rarely ever share barbs worth reporting for shit talking purposes. If anything, I hope that this year brings much more physical violence and acting out to the office. This blog could always use more of that.