Quite the Pair

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

It would be time spent poorly for me to reiterate the chemistry we have here between Male and Female Boss. The two are quite possibly the most volatile individuals I have ever seen. For starters, when I came back from Christmas Vacation, Male Boss staggered in taking an extra day off from work. The day he was absent, Female Boss was quite pleased. She spent the day taking shots at him and arousing a few laughs out of me. Unfortunately, her underdeveloped wit is all to be laughed at and the jokes are really not worth me rehashing.

So the next morning, Female Boss beats me to work.. I walk into the office and she's buzzing around the office doing this and that. With a raised brow I head to my desk, turn on the computer and observe thru my periphery her level of energy.

"Good morning," I tells her.

"Mornin' Northe."

Female Boss finishes what she is doing and starts up again, "Well, Male Boss will be back in today."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, he called me last night and said he would."

"Great."

"Yeah, great..."

"Ma'am?"

"I know he's going to be a bother to me. He always is when he skips a day of work."

I scan my memory for any truth to this. I come up empty. I don't know what she's talking about but whatever. If she's in a pissy mood it only means that there is more potential for a story once all is said and done. I'll just wait for him to arrive and watch the show.

Moments before Male Boss opens the front door, Female Boss has a premonition, "I know he's gonna ask if we have bread here. I forgot to pick up bread for him. Fuck.. that's gonna be the first thing he asks for. God damn it."

The dogs begin to bark, the door opens and slams, "Where's the bread?"

No hi, no welcome back, no happy new year.. nothing. Only the prediction of Female Boss echoing throughout the office cracking the universe ever so slightly, sending us that much closer to doom. I spend little time on this.

Male Boss makes a bee-line to the kitchen asking the question again, "Where's the bread?"

"I didn't get any!" screams Female Boss.

Screams. What the fuck is her deal? Is it that hard to use an inside voice?

"I don't believe that. You really forget it?" asks Male Boss.

Female Boss twists in her seat offering nothing back.

"Okay then. I am hungry. How the fuck I get this pepper grounded?"

"Step on it, asshole!" screams Female Boss again!

Jeezus Christ, what the fuck is she screeching for?

"You want me to broke this thing? I'll fucking broke it."

"Try twisting it you dumb fuck."

Male Boss pokes and prods the contraption and eventually figures it out.

"Okay, so what about wood spoon?"

"Whittle one."

Female Boss is quite ornery. No clue what her deal is. Who gives a doodle.

"How about you stop being the bitch to me? How's that? You're the one that forgets to buy bread and you takes it out at me? Stop being the bitch of our office."

"Up yours."

Then, the funniest shit I have ever heard comes out of Male Boss.

"It's haaard to beeee a womannnn," sings this crazy mother fucker.

Singing! Male Boss! I cannot do this proper justice. Remember that this guy has the worst accent ever, can hardly speak english and on top of that his normal voice ranks between squeaking car brakes and toddler's first tantrum on my list of pleasant sounds. Its like Balki from Perfect Strangers trying to sing a Brian McKnight song. It was terribly shocking and funny at the same time. The best is Male Boss continues to hum the tune! Fuckin great..

"You know that song, Northe?" he asks me.

"Why don't you leave him the hell alone and finish making your witch's brew," shouts Female Boss.

What the fuck is she even saying anymore? What pisses me off even more is that this shut Male Boss up. There was no further heckling at all. I am stuck with this little episode in my head with no explanation about why Female Boss made it her mission to be a complete jerkass to this clown for no apparent reason. Oh well, nothing makes sense in my life anyway. The up side is that I got to hear the mofo sing and I hope he does more often. I should really get a tape recorder up in here.

Born Anew

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

What better day to start a new Angry Time for the New Year than today. Today of days. The day that I go to the ol' company water cooler to pour myself a tall dixie cup of refreshment. Up it fills, just a tad more.. I don't wanna have to go to the water cooler again prematurely.. almost topped off.. annndd *plop!*

This is rather curious. Something is enjoying the coolness of my beverage before me. What kind of being has such audacity!? Upon closer inspection I see a familiar, friendly, wrinkled white mass that is already pruned from days, if not weeks, of bathing. I poke my beak closer to the rim of the cup, "Friend maggot, why must you insist I spend my hard earned money on bottled water from the local mart?"

Its tiny black head offers nay a response.. only the quiet bobbing Female Boss offers the world when posed with tasks beyond the capacity of my new little buddy. Rather than delve on the past 5 gallons of water I have consumed with this chum floating around into it, I instead look to him as inspiration.. the larval stage of a life. Much like the life of a maggot, I have taken the last three months to make sure my body has become extremely efficient in the eating and pooping department... casting to the wind my friends of the interweb! My shame makes my stomach bubble much like that morning.

With renewed inspiration, I decided it best that I fish out my bloated animal spirit and dump him out onto a neutral office chair. Whoever takes a seat in this here chair will bear the mark of my laziness and its gooification will only symbolize my moving past a period in my life that has been nothing less than disgraceful. For I am back Angry Timers! Back and angry, I'll have you know! Angry at the state of the office! Angry at the piles of stories I have neglected! And angry at the fact I was going to spend money on bottled water when I have eaten much fouler things than a water-logged maggot in my day only to give my peers stories to tell my girlfriends at inopportune times! So rejoice friends, for the maggot stage of my life has ended. I have budded into a beautiful fly and I'm ready to once again spew my filth across the internet for your pleasure!... well maybe not just a regular house fly.. more like a horse fly.. those things are like the king of flies.. and they pack a bite.. yess.. horse fly...

Anyway, Female Boss was lucky enuff to wear the albino mark of my laziness on her ass. It was visible for about 2 hours before it was ground into the fabric of her office chair or maybe rubbed off with an indiscreet ass scratch. Chalk one up for Northe and stay tuned for more quality posts my fellow Angry Timers!