Angry Time

Botheration

2010-03-15T22:08:00.000-07:00

First time? Start here. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories. While you're at it, go ahead and Register, approval grants access to exclusive content.

For those of you that don't know me, and as many that do can attest to, I am a passionate guy. Grant me a minute or two of your time so I can explain myself, if you please. You can compare my, often times, completely uncontrollable and uncalled for anger to a helium filled football. When someone sets me off, and it really doesn't even have to be something crazy or worthy of anything, just a simple punt, chances are that extra loft will grant you a good 10-20% greater form of hate than many of my unionized and paid-to-write peers would offer up. Before going too far into this, let it be known that my emotions shallow back down to normal levels just as easily. Just like when that football breaks into the atmosphere, it will just as quickly return to the earth. Sure, in those fleeting moments my language may be littered with profanity and hey I might even throw in a death threat or two against you and/or your loved ones, but as surely as gravity does its thing with the ol' pigskin, so too does my rage find its level like any standing pool of water before too long and I am seen grinning and laughing without giving my disgusting behavior a second thought...

I've moved! To read the rest go to AngryTime.com or follow this link for this particular story.

Do People Really Do This?

2010-03-12T10:05:00.000-08:00

First time? Start here. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories. While you're at it, go ahead and Register, approval grants access to exclusive content.

Who among the Angry Time faction has heard of a Fortune Party? If you have, it better have been passed to you via 3rd hand information. If not, and you were an unsuspecting mark, I dare say you fall into a somewhat forgivable category of peons where a torturous interrogation could possibly absolve you of such a sin. Though you'd have a whale's bladder worth of explaining to do as to why you would be caught in such a trance without asking relevant questions or showing any spine. The last possibility, if you are someone who has attended these carnival acts without being under the influence of some ungodly cocktail of medication, or worse even still, if you are the Lord Fontleroy of Fortune Parties then I'll go ahead and shuttle you myself to the hallway that houses my vast array of character assassination awards hung like trophy bucks along the wall. You, the willing participant, are the kind of asshole that I loathe...

I've moved! To read the rest go to AngryTime.com or follow this link for this particular story.

Male Boss-isms 3

2010-03-09T22:01:00.000-08:00

First time? Start here. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories. While you're at it, go ahead and Register, approval grants access to exclusive content.

Staying true to what Male Boss-isms has been, this story will focus a bit more on the behavioral tendencies of our simian, clad in sweat pants and finger smudges wrought from potato chip grease s-medium t-shirts. To be sure, trying to understand exactly what this man's function and purpose is will, and is, taking the lion's share of my analytical adult lifetime. The question is, even with such time and dedication given to this often times insipid yet noble endeavor, is the project ever finished or the illustration ever satisfactory let alone complete? I draw parallels to the brave, yet crazy fucks, ie "The Grizzly Man" who literally sacrifice their lives in pursuit of knowledge...

I've moved! To read the rest go to AngryTime.com or follow this link for this particular story.

There was this one time...

2009-07-02T18:59:00.000-07:00

First time? Start here. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories. While you're at it, go ahead and Register, approval grants access to exclusive content.

Scenario #1: There was this one time The One had an upset stomach so Female Boss kept him confined in the kitchen where he could squirt brown all over the place without suffocating the office with the putrid smell. Female Boss was being quite the diligent worker that day, being that she stayed at her desk for a few hours without getting up. This is extremely odd behavior for her, as her primitive brain requires reboot every few minutes or it will start to ooze from her ear canal. The reason for her impromptu work ethic is quickly revealed when Male Boss gets up from the leather couch to refill his beverage.

"Male Boss, you have to clean up after The One this time.. I can't take it anymore."

I've moved! To read the rest go to AngryTime.com or follow this link for this particular story.

Female Boss Buys a GPS

2009-06-30T19:29:00.000-07:00

First time? Start here. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories. While you're at it, go ahead and Register, approval grants access to exclusive content.

My everyday scab picking and keyboard breaking grind is brought to a halt by Female Boss arriving at the office before 10:30 and even before Male Boss for once. With little more energy than a sleepy koala, Female Boss slumps in to the computer area with a glum look on her mug. Being the concerned citizen I can only hope that she has had a grief stricken weekend with nothing but despair to report. Instead, she starts off the dialogue with, "I bought a GPS over the weekend."

"Is that a fact?" I ask her.

I've moved! To read the rest go to AngryTime.com or follow this link for this particular story.

Male Boss-isms 2

2009-06-18T08:05:00.000-07:00

First time? Start here. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories. While you're at it, go ahead and Register, approval grants access to exclusive content.

Are you kidding me? I have only used this as a title once!? This is a damn hell shame.. time to make up for lost stories then. Oh and before you guys start questioning my spelling or grammar, remember one thing, this is Male Boss talking.. I wouldn't dare mistype anything that he says.

First -ism: Male Boss is trying to give Female Boss a little taste of the back home life. They are in a discussion where Female Boss is being pessimistic and Male Boss chimes in with some old school wisdom.

I've moved! To read the rest go to AngryTime.com or follow this link for this particular story.

I Can Has Math

2009-06-16T21:48:00.000-07:00

First time? Start here. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories. While you're at it, go ahead and Register, approval grants access to exclusive content.

No excuses for my absence, real life just gets hectic sometimes. I wade back into the thickest part of the swamp and go in neck deep to demonstrate how tortuously suffocating life has been at the office as of late. Female Boss continues to prove she is the festering carcass of a bullfrog in these parts giving off that unmistakable stink in the nose whenever you're close enough to spear her in the pancreas. Even wading through this bog on a daily basis am I never met with a dull, expected feat of idiocy. This time, Female Boss decides to show off her mathematical skills.

Scenario #1: Female Boss is on the line with one of the Plastics and no doubt there is gonna be some riveting conversation at hand. Beginning to listen about half way through the decent to the 3rd ring of Hell, I start jotting down what was said.

I've moved! To read the rest go to AngryTime.com or follow this link for this particular story.

Witness

2009-03-16T12:10:00.001-07:00

First time? Start here. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories. While you're at it, go ahead and Register, approval grants access to exclusive content.

On my worst days, the days where I am just completely ill with the 105 fever and wishing that taste of last night's dinner wasn't lingering around in my maw, I tend to have the stupidest dreams known to man. Fever dreams some might call them, I prefer to use a string of profanities used as adjectives and hyperbole to label them what they are. These ridiculous dreams are usually completely nonsensical, irrelevant to any form of reality as we know it and on top of that are constantly repeated over and over again as I fight for sleep during a high fever. I hate it. That is the worst thing about being sick. It's not the shakes, the misery or the puking.. its those god damn dreams that I can't shake when all I want to do is rest.

I've moved! To read the rest go to AngryTime.com or follow this link for this particular story.

Dump Truck

2009-03-14T11:38:00.001-07:00

First time? Start here. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories. While you're at it, go ahead and Register, approval grants access to exclusive content.

Since I have a stack of stories and have no clue where to begin, I decided to go ahead and pick items I have written down at random to start thinning through the pile until I get sick of sharing. This way, I can dish out a ton of content and start separating the jot downs from the truly absurd. Here goes.

The First: Alright, this first one lacks all sense. It makes zero. I was driving home and here's the scene. Stuck in traffic along a major street there's this dude on the right hand side of the road. This familiar is one of society's greatest achievements: the roadside human billboard.

I've moved! To read the rest go to AngryTime.com or follow this link for this particular story.

Chakhtee: The Downward Spiral

2009-03-12T20:13:00.001-07:00

First time? Start here. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories. While you're at it, go ahead and Register, approval grants access to exclusive content.

The problem with taking off the majority of last year is both a tale of happiness and none of your god damn business. The effect on Angry Time and the loyal following is that when real life caught up is that I not only shed the habit of writing, at least fairly often, is that I haven't been able to chronicle a lot of things that I wish I would have as they have developed into major story lines for the blog and will now have to going through literally about 100 stories that have been jotted down and piecing together the relevant happenings that lead us down the trail of land mines and razor wire until we arrive at the feculent corpse that I wish to show you all. So hang tight, we will get there eventually, but first, how some things were revealed to me while at the office.

I've moved! To read the rest go to AngryTime.com or follow this link for this particular story.

The Kryssmas Chronicles: "Sortie Mission Training"

2009-02-27T15:41:00.000-08:00

First time? Start here. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories. While you're at it, go ahead and Register, approval grants access to exclusive content.

Good ol' Kryssmas. As you can readily tell, Kryssmas and Male Boss shared a beautiful connection from the start. He seemed to take a real shine to this pathetic creature and wanted to make it part of the family. It's either that or he was actually training this bird to become a menace.. essentially, even still, making it part of the family.. you know, considering nothing or no one in the office is particularly good, nice, well behaved or even normal. The fact that Kryssmas loves to practice the art of self-mutilation, as noted in the previous tale, there are only a few more benchmarks that need to be reached. The question is if Male Boss will deliver?

I've moved! To read the rest go to AngryTime.com or follow this link for this particular story.

Female Boss Shorts 13

2009-02-18T19:23:00.001-08:00

First time? Start here. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories. While you're at it, go ahead and Register, approval grants access to exclusive content.

Since its literally been almost a year since I gave you guys some Female Boss Shorts I will go ahead and throw in a bonus 4th Scenario.

Scenario #1: I can't even recall what the hell Female Boss was doing when she was thinking out loud about this one. Whatever it was, I guess it would fall under the classification of being mathematical. It started off like this:

I've moved! To read the rest go to AngryTime.com or follow this link for this particular story.

Pigfoot's Nook

2009-02-12T19:25:00.001-08:00

First time? Start here. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories. While you're at it, go ahead and Register, approval grants access to exclusive content.

This is another tale of woe and comeuppence. For those of you that are current on your Angry Time lore, you know that Pigfoot is a product of surroundings. Furthermore, if you are current on your Angry Time lore you know that the climate in which Pigfoot lives is essentially the world of inaction, zero discipline and stark raving lunacy. Certainly, for those of us that are left in the world that possess some shred of sanity look at this as a problem but Female Boss would not have things any other way. Her dogs' happiness is more important than anything else and due to her humane approach to pet ownership she shall continue to be punished for the nincompoop that she is.

I've moved! To read the rest go to AngryTime.com or follow this link for this particular story.

Oh, Telephones..

2009-02-09T18:30:00.000-08:00

First time? Start here. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories. While you're at it, go ahead and Register, approval grants access to exclusive content.

As Angry Timers, we have been bobbing in the wake of this dandy for years now. I never figured that there'd be something worthy of a post regarding telephones again but here you have it. In the grand task of going through these here archives, that I write to you now, that will fall upon our future generations I think the consensus will be that the probability of this happening would have taken place much sooner in history. The thing is, I think for situations like this, timing is everything. I know for a fact she, yes Female Boss not Male Boss this time, has bitched about such paltry and inane affairs before regarding her desk phone but it took just the right amount of zero-to-do to get that thingamabob that is in her skull in place of a fully functioning brain to flop around just enough to cause not only ephemeral infatuation but also the all-important action. I bring you last week's actions of this hopeless reject.

I've moved! To read the rest go to AngryTime.com or follow this link for this particular story.

Take That, You Swine!

2009-02-07T08:47:00.001-08:00

First time? Start here. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories. While you're at it, go ahead and Register, approval grants access to exclusive content.

Sorry for having been going off topic as of late, but sometimes I feel like getting my opinion down on random crap that I come across from time to time. This post however, will cover the favorite pig of Angry Time.. Master Dunkirt. I know how much you guys love this fat fuck but trust me, he's not lovable at all.. he's a disgusting asshole. So as you read this post you must picture me with a huge smile on my face.

I've moved! To read the rest go to AngryTime.com or follow this link for this particular story.

Christian Bale Defensive

2009-02-05T12:42:00.000-08:00

Would it surprise anyone that I would cover something like this? Well, it should. Typically I can give a shit about these prissy Hollywood types and their ilk, mostly bcuz they are responsible for so many of life's great disappointments. Seriously, as an industry, these fucks probably dish out more disappointments annually than an eschatologist's diary.. wrap your brain around that one, cuz I'm not gonna explain further. Time and time again, we as a race, get hyped up at the idea that Hollywood is gonna breathe life into a great story and after pathetic writers and talentless actors scatter their filth over the potential of what could have been we are left with a limp, whimpering excuse of a movie. Before I spiral out of control on that rant, let's get back to what Angry Time celebrates.. the over the top tirade.

I've moved! To read the rest go to AngryTime.com.

Smacked Into Place

2009-02-04T10:28:00.000-08:00

First time? Start here. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories. While you're at it, go ahead and Register, approval grants access to exclusive content.

Let's skip the nonsense and dive right in. Male Boss made the executive decision to not only spend lunch at the office but he decided to spark up the ol' range and do some cooking. Not sure what the hell he made but it smelled good. All the while I could hear him clanging around the cupboards and shuffling through the pantry using who knows how many pots and pans to complete his concoction. Whatever he was cooking it took him a good 20 min to cook it and the same amount of time to devour it. Male Boss settled in the sitting room shortly after, licking his chops and scratching. Right before he could fall into slumber Female Boss walks in.. maybe back from lunch? Who the fuck knows she left at like 11:30 this morning and bothered to return.. at 3:30pm.

I've moved! To read the rest go to AngryTime.com or follow this link for this particular story.

Upon Closer Inspection

2009-01-24T13:39:00.001-08:00

First time? Start here. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories. While you're at it, go ahead and Register, approval grants access to exclusive content.

My jaw gapes and my blood boils. I was not only at a sincere loss for words but after my initial reaction I started seeing so much red that I couldn't even come up with a proper in-my-mind berating of Female Boss that would soothe the feeling of blood lust and allow me to move on and perform the work tasks at hand. I couldn't shake it. I kept playing it over and over in my head in as a storm of anger erupted my head sending pulses of disbelief and malice to my more than capable killing appendages (read as: hands and foots).

I've moved! To read the rest go to AngryTime.com or follow this link (I don't recommend clicking this link for a while there is a display problem due to the image in the body of the post, when Sulu gets back I'll have him find a solution) for this particular story.

Inauguration Day Special: Female Boss Mutterings

2009-01-20T19:29:00.000-08:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Are we all that surprised that Female Boss would make headlines today on Angry Time? I figured it was a matter of time until I had enuff content here to post. The bad part is that Female Boss didn't make an appearance at the office till about noon thirty, cutting short what could have been hours of insightful commentary. Oh well, here's what I got for you.

Around 1pm: Female Boss turns on the television, probably the first time she has been able to escape the gravitational pull of the black hole that is her brain and had interaction with the outside world.

"Oh, Obama. Is he inaugurated yet?"

As you know, I hate answering stupid questions directly and would rather lead someone in the right direction with a bayonet pressed firmly against the kidneys of the idiot asking, "What's he doing on TV?"

I've moved! To read the rest go to AngryTime.com or follow this link for this particular story.

Quality Time With Male Boss 2

2009-01-15T20:02:00.000-08:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I would love to have lived this moment for a life-age as it was probably my favorite moment after stepping into employment here. It was lunchtime and every blue moon, Male Boss likes to order in a pizza or three. Unfortunately, my lunch was already consumed so his offer of a pizza with any topping(s) of my choosing was completely wasted. I had to tell him to get whatever he wanted and Male Boss graciously offered that I could have whatever I wanted once they arrived.

I've moved! To read the rest go to AngryTime.com or follow this link for this particular story.

Female Boss Mutterings 8

2009-01-08T11:33:00.000-08:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

No introductory words needed, let's just dive right in:

"How come my hands smell like pee?" - the worst part is I can't remember if this was before or after lunch.. not sure which would make it more interesting but its just a thought.

I've moved! To read the rest go to AngryTime.com or follow this link for this particular story.

Fear of Storage

2009-01-05T11:39:00.001-08:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

So get this one. Female Boss, the complete mental wreck that she is, has revealed a new side of herself to me. In a nutshell, Female Boss rented out a storage room some decades ago when she moved out here from New Jersey. She placed tons of valuables in there that she could not fit in her tiny apartment when she first moved out here and, as time went on, decided to just keep things in the storage as she upgraded to new things. She may have mentioned this story once or twice before in passing but I never really paid attention until this topic started to rear its ugly head more and more.

It all started with a phone call from the Storage Place...

I've moved! To read the rest go to AngryTime.com or follow this link for this particular story.

Anger, Meet Your New Website

2009-01-01T22:16:00.000-08:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

In order to tie in this newfound sense of community I have just talked about this post covers a couple of my favorite work stories that I have heard in recent years. It didn't happen in the closed off world of Angry Time unfortunately, but I deem it completely relevant and fit for consumption to all of my readers. The first story, I could see happening quite vividly using that fucked up imagination of mine and it fills me with such contempt I guarantee that I would be able to wipe out the population of several city blocks before I was subdued. The second story, as you will see, is something that I could never see happening, using that same fucked up mind of mine, which makes it all the more hilarious. Here we go..

I've moved! To read the rest go to AngryTime.com or follow this link for this particular story.

Master of Analogy 3

2008-04-11T08:06:00.001-07:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Let's go back a few years ago, when Hector was a pup.. the year is 2005 and I posted a couple sensational peeks into Female Boss' backwards way of thinking and translating those thoughts into what we laymen would readily recognize as a a form of communication but would never concede the communication as being an intelligible string of words. Most of us rubbed our foreheads down to the bone pondering what, if any, boundary of human decency would eventually get in the way of Female Boss' incredible and fearless attempts to continually ooze inane commentary upon the world. That boundary.. that obstacle, as it were, is yet to meet Female Boss or even slow her down. With wanton disregard for all that is virtuous and right in the world, Female Boss has sullied my slightly impure sphere with her chatter once again (agayn for my Canadian audience).

Female Boss arrives at the Investment Property a little bit after me. I can tell that something is on her mind, as she carries The One in her arms. She is not settling down in her seat, instead she looks to be doing some kind of moron dance with The One that involves doing a lot of pacing, half turns and pirouettes. Before I am mesmerized by her irrational undulations, Female Boss cracks.

"I'm really depressed today, Northe."

I don't say anything, no need to throw gas on a potential inferno.

"I haven't had time to see my family. I haven't gone out with my friends at all in the last week. I feel isolated. Work is taking a toll on me."

I'll be honest and tell you that the last week she is referring to has been about normal. No more than a 40 hour week.. but maybe that's exactly what the problem is. Instead of showing up at noon and leaving before me or showing up on time at leaving at 2, Female Boss has been putting in some pretty honest days. The feeble frame that holds her warped reality together is giving way due to what most of this country would call a pretty normal week.

"I just don't get it, where is everyone? Why is no one calling me?"

Its one thing to bitch but its totally another thing to bitch out loud. One might gather that I am not the most compassionate of the executioners within a six block radius, so make no mistake when I point out that I can really give two shits when someone like Female Boss is trying to come off like she has some problems. I'd hogtie Huckaboom with guitar string to have my biggest problem of the day be wondering why someone hadn't called me. Especially when she can fuckin call them. People should really pick what information they share out loud cuz most of the time you're gonna come off looking like a complete douche.

Before noon, one of The Romans give a call in. If you don't recall any of The Romans, its bcuz I have likely mixed them in with The Plastics but that will not be the case any longer. I am keeping specific record of who calls in when I can. Whatever, a Roman calls in and Female Boss is giddy. Female Boss' delight is soon trampled by her overwhelming need to share her sorrow and bring others down with her. Enter the Master of Analogy, the third.

"Oh, well you have no clue how depressed I have been, been.. b e e n. . ."

"It just feels like the day isn't going to end, end.. e n d . . ."

"I'm over here counting the minutes, inutes.. i n u t e s . . ." (yep, she didn't pronounce the m, you know, for effect)

After her three sentences are done I can only picture The Roman on the other end of the phone playing a sick game I like to call How Far Will You Go.. you know the one.. grab an ice pick and steadily ease it into your ear canal.. mmhmm, that's the one.. its a family favorite. Oh and worry not friends, Female Boss explains her stupidity to The Roman before the game comes to its twitchy and rather disturbing conclusion.

"Well yeah, its like an echo.. cuz you know, I am feeling isolated. Like I am in a cave or something. Isolated. Get it?"

Heh, I get more than what you think you are passing along. I get that you should be tarred and feathered. I get that you barely move the needle when it comes to being a form of intelligent life. I also get that I have never come across a more annoying person when you are trying your hardest to be witty. You're worse to watch and listen to than the Full House pilot. I can only smile, point, wink and nod up toward the heavens every time you spark that fury within me, but there is a bright side in all this.. at least you didn't reproduce.

Boss Warfare 9

2008-04-04T08:38:00.001-07:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Scenario #1: Female Boss absolutely flipped on Male Boss when he asked her a question about a store she was going to visit during lunch. If I remember this one correctly, a Plastic recommended Female Boss go drop a few hundred dollars on a t-shirt or something at some name brand shit stain downtown. Female Boss announces it to the office and rather than being met with her usual silence, Male Boss has something to say about it:

"You have been there before, remember? You told me."

Female Boss answers back, "I know."

The truth is she didn't know. It was one of those I know's that a pre-teen says when you give them something they've never heard of before but its their programmed response. You could tell the disappointment in Female Boss' voice when she answered too and kind of that realization that Male Boss was indeed correct.

Male Boss asks her, "So what did you get last time?"

Female Boss, about to put a stack of papers into a file folder, shoves the papers into the file full force, "Gee, that's a great question! What did you get last time? Huh!? What did YOU get!?"

That was called for.. and better yet it makes sense to react that way.. there is no other rational reaction.. ever..

Scenario #2: Female Boss ended up spending a good $40 on high end, "healthy" snacks to have here at the office. Examples, dried wasabi peas, these weird fancy bread stick things, these organic mini cake things with flax seeds baked into them.. weird shit like this. I found little to no interest in eating this stuff as nothing tasted that good to me. Whenever Female Boss offered me some, I would usually just refuse and say I brought my own snacks. Male Boss concurred with my analysis of these trial purchases and expressed his distaste for them in a much different way.

Male Boss got up from his permanent ass-groove dent on the sitting room couch and headed for the kitchen for a snacky snack. Being out of potato chips and bacon grease, Male Boss was forced to dine on the crap that Female Boss bought. Combining sheer boredom and the desire to get rid of the high budget allowance of flavorless munchies, Male Boss turns to his reliable tenants.

"Here you go. Take this one. No? You don't want?"

Female Boss' misbehavior radar picks up the signal and forces her to engage, "What are you doing in there?"

"The dogs don't like the shitty human treats you buyed."

"Why are you feeding my food to the dogs?"

"I can't. The shit you buyed, the dogs turn the back on." He tries again, "Come on, take it boy. Stupid shit. They don't like, Female Boss."

"Leave them alone please."

"How much you pay on this shit and they ain't eat it?"

"How about you leave the dogs alone and leave me alone. Just get the fuck outta here."

"Ok, I get the shit out of here."

I hear Male Boss rustling with the bags of goods. The front door opens and soft thuds are heard. The next sound I hear is Dunkirt snorting happily and the door slams shut. Female Boss bounces up from her desk.

"What the hell did you just do?"

"Got rid of the shits. The dogs don't eat but the pig will."

"You son of a bitch! You know how much that costs?"

"Where's your humor?"

"Gone! You have taken all my humor from me long ago."

"You ain't got none? You ain't got no humor?"

"Leave me the fuck alone!"

"You ain't got no humor and you ain't got no snacks. Don't ever buy those shits again. The dogs turn the back and the pig doesn't know any better than this."

Not that I am much on either Boss' choice on snack food I'll go ahead and side with Male Boss on this one. At least every blue moon I'll crave a salty, empty calorie munchy to make me feel American over one of Female Boss' oddities. Bring back the artery clogging goodies!

Day of the Fool

2008-04-01T08:29:00.001-07:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

In honor of this day I'm gonna look back on a past April Fool's Day here at the office. Oh, and what about that whole lead-up from my last post? Technically this isn't the 250th Angry Time post cuz I have tossed in a few cheap fill-ins to compensate for being lazy and, more importantly, this "big thing" that is happening is a while coming still. So let's pretend I never posted that so I can get back to writing more stuff for you guys to read.

I remember the day quite vividly. I came into the office on time, Female Boss was already there. In fact, she was in the kitchen making a pot of coffee. The faithful among you are finding this odd cuz A) Female Boss is rarely ever there before me and B) she probably hasn't had coffee in a few years. Indeed, this was probably my first or second April Fool's Day at the office. Times were different, but Female Boss was just as dumb.

I came into the place, told her good morning and headed to my desk to start working. Female Boss came in a few minutes later. She stood in the doorway of the office till I felt her staring at me. I glance over, see her standing there, and get back to what I'm doing.

"Hey, Northe."

"Yeah," I answer.

"I have some bad news. My mother is really sick."

Time for the employee to pretend like he gives a shit, "Oh crap, is she okay?"

"Well, not really. I think I might have to go see her."

"Ok. No problem," I tell her.

"Like soon. She's not really holding up so well. I am kind of worried," she says.

"Ok, don't worry about it."

"Well, I probably will leave today."

"Ok..."

"Like this morning, like in an hour I have to be at the airport."

"Do you need a ride?" I ask her hoping the answer is yes so I can go grab lunch downtown after I drop her off.

"Well, I should just go now."

"Ok," I answer for the 50th time.

"Northe, I'm kidding! Its April Fool's Day!"

I give out a fake laugh and tell her, "Ha, you got me."

She is laughing pretty hard and heads back into the kitchen to get her coffee. The sad thing is that Female Boss thought that she got one over on me. As if when she starts to talk about an ill relative of hers, "not really holding up so well," I am going to call bullshit on her and tell her to stop fucking around. It really speaks to how insulting what she thinks a sense of humor is and was also a great indicator of what to expect of her as a person. All in all tho, I definitely learned something.. Female Boss taught me that joking about a parent potentially dying is never old hat.

The Kryssmas Chronicles: "Pet Adoption"

2008-03-21T12:38:00.000-07:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Sidebar: Okay, Angry Timers, this will be the last post for maybe another 2 weeks or so just like the last one. Reason being is that there are big things going on behind the scenes that you don't know about just yet. First thing being that the next post I make will be the 250th post on Angry Time and the second thing being a secret. Stay tuned and check every couple days cuz once its here, you're going to want to be a part of it! You may read the story now.

This story is from back in the day when I first started working here. There I was, full of hopes and dreams and really desperate for any form of income. I somehow found my way to this god forsaken place and decided to dig my trench here and, as you well know, have been taking grenades ever since. I'm hoping to dredge up a few more stories from memory that are worth mentioning. This was probably one of the first instances that I experienced here that made me see how suicide could be a viable option for some people.

Back then, Demonseed had an ally. The bird's name was.. eh, we'll call it Kryssmas. Any real deal gamer among you will appreciate that.. derived from UO and the underrated weapon, the kryss.. good ol' deadly poison. Ok, enuff of that. So, Kryssmas wasn't so much gifted to Female Boss and Male Boss as it was forced upon them and ultimately adopted. As the story goes, some friend of Female Boss' was leaving the state and couldn't take the bird. The bird needed a home and Female Boss figured that Kryssmas would make a fantastic pet. Upon close arm's length, if not across the room, inspection anyone could tell that Kryssmas wasn't going to be a normal bird let alone pointing out that taking on the little shit was no where near being seen as an intelligent decision.

Kryssmas was one of those birds that are completely neurotic. Kryssmas' neurosis lied within the realm of self-mutilation.. plucking any feather out of its body that the ol' beak could reach. The poor fuck was a terrible sight.. and probably looked even worse than that. It made the bird as unattractive as one could possibly be.. and not being a big fan of birds, in general, it made that feeling of wanting to throw paper clips at it all day long that much stronger.

Back then, Male Boss was a bit thinner in comparison to him being quite rotund now. Male Boss had a quick bonding with Kryssmas. His pet names for Kryssmas were "the crazy bird" or "the fucked up bird." Endearingly, of course.

Of all the times I wish I was smart enuff to have a camera at work to document the evidence for all to see, I regret not having one this time. I remember the scene quite well, Male Boss was on his couch in the sitting room snacking on what looked to be a two pound bag of sunflower seeds. He was in a slouched position with his ass barely hanging onto the couch. Male Boss wore a black sweater that was completely covered in sunflower shells, fragments and salt. It was absurd, having a black sweater on only made it stand out even more.

The word slob falls as short as a Wile E. Coyote bridge building kit trying to span across a canyon when trying to describe what Male Boss looked like. There he sat, completely disheveled, looking like a cross between a hobo and an ape of some sort. His hair was sticking up like he stuck his finger in a socket.. and then there was sweet, innocent Kryssmas. The reason Male Boss' hair looked like complete shit is cuz Male Boss allowed Kryssmas to literally nest in his hair. Kryssmas would hang out on Male Boss' head as Kryssmas would do his best job to tease Male Boss' hair into a desired look from the '80s.

I was able to see this up close bcuz I handed Male Boss a report for him to take a look at. Referring to his weight.. or coulda been how disgustingly dirty he made his surroundings, Male Boss looked up at me and said, "If you want to look like the bird you have to eat like the bird."

I did my best not to shiv him in the throat or make a big deal out of it cuz I didn't want him to make any moves. I wanted to sit back from my desk and observe this sloth being preened by Kryssmas. Indeed, up to this point in my life, it was one of the oddest things I had ever seen.. now trumped by a myriad of other sights I have had to be witness to here at the investment property. However, much like everything else in Angry Time, the madness didn't end there.

While keeping a close eye on Kryssmas picking thru Male Boss' lice and flea infected hair, Male Boss kept shoveling more and more sunflower seeds in his mouth. Knowing no bounds, Kryssmas decided to share in the bounty. A few hops down toward Male Boss' right hand Kryssmas plunged head first into the enormous bag of sunflower seeds and started having lunch. Kryssmas was living most any person's food fantasy.. being ankle deep in a bag of tasty goods and eating as much as you could possibly stand. What's crazier is Male Boss didn't even flinch.. this had to have been normal behavior for both of these clowns.. pretty much makes me sick much like this did.

Now that the whole scene is set I'll leave you with Male Boss' words that followed about ten minutes after Kryssmas starting his gorging.

"Oh shit. The fucking crazy bird just took the shits in the bag with the seeds!"

Less than two minutes later, without moving, Male Boss was seen shoveling more seeds into his maw. Maybe he was just reaching deeper into the bag. Its still good.

Age of Enlightenment

2008-03-06T09:39:00.001-08:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I was in the middle of that fantasy I have become so fond of. I'm sure you all have the same one. You know how it goes.. you're working on that first knee cap of (insert the name of your favorite adversary here) Female Boss' and right before popping it clean off with a dull wood chisel your concentration is disturbed. This time its the horrible sound of Female Boss pleased with something she has done. I grit my teeth over the fact I didn't get to finish playing out that beautiful scene.

"This is SO cool!"

I already know its gonna be stupid. I know this bcuz she's impressed with herself without the aid of anyone else and her enthusiasm is through the roof. As long as she doesn't go on and on about it we're good..

"I can't believe it!" she exclaims.

It'll pass, Northe. Just ignore her. Get back to your happy place.

Just before I could strike the chisel with that hammer, Female Boss interrupts again.

"This is great!" she booms.

Fine! Let's get this over with..

"What's up?" I ask, secretly hoping that she found a dull wood chisel in her desk drawer.

"Get this! Did you know that you can type in Microsoft's Word while your internet loads up a website!?"

As Female Boss fawns over her discovery like a monkey swirling its finger in a puddle of diarrhea I gather my thoughts wisely. I thumb thru several ideas the multiple voices in my head put forth to me like one would a roladex. My first personality says to climb over the desk and make pencil holders out of her eye sockets. The second begging me to ask ask her if she knows how stupid she is. The third voice, and always more passive and sarcastic, wins.

"Wait. You can be on the internet with Word open and use both programs at the same time?" I ask.

"Yes! I'm so happy!"

"Wow. You must be pretty quick to be able to swap programs that efficiently."

Female Boss might as well had swooned for me. "Heh, well, its not all that hard to do. I mean really, Northe, how many people really know about this? I just can't believe it took me this long to figure out but now that I have, I feel like I am on the cutting edge," she says with a big smile on her face.

"Pretty slick," I beam a shit-faced grin back at her.

Kill me..

Boss Warfare 8

2008-03-04T10:44:00.001-08:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Sole Scenario: As I touched on in the past Male Boss is smoking those good ol' really gay looking, slim cigs. I guess his smoking is really becoming a nuisance to Female Boss who is waging her own personal anti-smoking campaign. Whenever he lights up in the office she starts talking about how real office buildings have rules against that type of behavior. Male Boss, like a typical dunderhead of something resembling a man, doesn't really give a shit and decides to constantly test the bounds of Female Boss' already fragile mental condition. Empirical evidence would suggest this to be quite foolish but we have grown to expect nothing less out of this dimwitted duo.

This time Female Boss' reaction to his insolence is not found in the might of the sword but rather the use of non-violent protest and turning to the strength of the pen. Like most who protest, Female Boss finds the taste of failure to be a trough of therapeutic gruel that can only be more fulfilling by taking in larger and larger mouthfuls each time she rehashes her poorly thought out plans. Her first attempt to quell Male Boss' smoking rebellion was to get up and turn off the lights every time he lit up. Color me impressed, Male Boss can still smoke in the dark. Good thinkin' Female Boss. Why not give it another go..

The second idea Female Boss had was to hold up her pen over her head whenever Male Boss started to smoke in the office. I'm sure you can see the shock on my face when I find out that, like most out of shape desk gremlins, Female Boss can't even hold said pen over her head for more than a minute before it starts drooping down to shoulder level.. not to mention that Male Boss probably never even realized what she was doing to begin with. Realizing that this new tactic wasn't going to work, Female Boss wrote "Smoke Free Office" on a piece of paper with a Sharpie and started walking to his desk holding it in front of Male Boss' face whenever he would puff on a smoke. Male Boss responded by lighting the piece of paper on fire after the third time Female Boss encroached on his territory.

Female Boss only had one option left.. to go for the jugular. She waited like a lion stalking her prey for the precise moment to launch the offensive. Male Boss was smoking a cigarette and started to shuffle thru papers frantically on his desk.

"Lose something?" asked Female Boss who had slyly taken what Male Boss was searching for.

"I can't find this fucking papers. I know I has them right fucking here!"

Female Boss holds up the papers and asks, "Oh these?"

Male Boss gets pissed, "What the fuck are you doing? Give me them fucking now those papers!"

Female Boss, with lighter in hand, sets the papers aflame. Male Boss' face goes pale. He leaps from his desk and yelps like a stuck pig, "What the fuck are you doing!?"

Female Boss drops them into the metal trash can at her feet. The papers are now completely on fire and the unintended consequence of smoke starts to billow. Male Boss is livid.

"You fucking bitch! This is not funny!"

Before Male Boss could do anything too crazy, Female Boss starts laughing and brings out the original documents.. the others were copies. Female Boss stamps "Gotcha Again!" on Male Boss' forehead! The color returns to Male Boss' face; however, he is still pissed.

"I don't understand what the fuck your problem is," he says as he returns to his desk to continue his smoking.

"You don't get it do you?" Female Boss asks.

Male Boss doesn't care what the hell she has to say and continues doing what he had to do.

"Your problem is you have a *cough* better grip on your cigarette *cough* than you do on *cough, cough* reality," chokes Female Boss.

At this point I leave the office to grab a bite to eat and give the office some time to air out. This is probably the most realistic case of fighting fire with fire I can think of. Female Boss hates the smell of cigarette smoke in the office and ends up combating her hatred of the smoke by producing her own smoke. Could this happen anywhere else?

Female Boss Shorts 12

2008-02-28T10:30:00.001-08:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Another pair of 'em. She just doesn't disappoint. Quality and quantity. I love it.

Scenario #1: The office is nice and quiet. The gentle crackle of Demonseed cracking open sunflower seeds and enjoying her lunch is all that can be heard. Then it happens.

"Hiiiiiii!"

I turn to see Female Boss with a bright eyed smile on her face staring at Demonseed who stares at her for a second and gets back to eating. Female Boss gets up to her seat to approach Demonseed's cage. Demonseed stops eating again to stare at Female Boss.

"Hi. Helloooo? Hi," says Female Boss as she creeps closer and closer to the cage.

"You're not speaking to me? Hmm?"

"Are you hibernating, Demonseed?"

"You're hibernating aren't you?"

"You're hibernating!"

"You're a bear?"

"A dozing bear!?"

"You're a fluffy and sleeping bear!?" Her voice climbs higher and squeaks as she says bear. It sounds like a shovel being scraped against a rock. Each sentence comes about ten seconds later than the last. Rather than questioning what in the holy fuck this idiot was saying, I just watched Demonseed who had resumed scooping food into that angry beak and crunching down on food after about the second sentence. The look on the bird's face was perfect.. not differing from any other day. Its just that the blank stare of "what the fuck are you doing" was plastered on it. It spoke volumes to me as Demonseed dove back into the food dish time and time again locking eyes with Female Boss as she spewed nonsense over and over again. The bird would have the same look on its face if Female Boss' head happened to be resting on that rock.. and that shovel was in my grip readied for a proper beat down.. I think Demonseed and I had a moment.

Scenario #2: Female Boss is planning a getaway to one of the Plastic's house for the weekend. This set of Plastics live on the beach in a pretty sick place, supposedly. Female Boss deemed fit to suck up office and company time to plan her weekend plans for a good couple of hours. Things were winding down to the final arrangements when Female Boss started to protest some of the specifics.

With an air of arrogance on her breath, "You shouldn't have your mom stay in the family room."

After pretending to listen and care what the Plastic had to say Female Boss shot back again, "I am sleeping in there when I visit. No. Period. You're not giving it to her."

At this point I think that Female Boss and PlasticMom have had a prior tiff and there's not much friendship left between the two. How to be sure tho? Before I can concoct a plan to get it out of her, Female Boss interrupts my train of thought.

"Listen, just go out and buy a bed for her today and put it in the other room you wanted me to stay in."

That pretty much ended the conversation. Female Boss now off the phone lets out a deep and annoyed sigh. This is her usual priming of a conversation.. her predictability comes thru..

"They're made of money. They should just go buy her a bed. I want to stay in that room by myself."

"You guys don't get along?" I ask her.

"What? No. It's just that she's old and decrepit. She needs special care.. and if I am gonna be relaxing I don't want to have to worry about the old bag keeling over. Second of all, I don't need that kind of negative energy ruining my time at their house! Uh-uh. They need to do something about her."

Wow. Female Boss is an asshole. Talking about a friend's (dying?) mom like that? I would even find it hard to stoop that low.

Female Boss Mutterings 7

2008-02-25T11:05:00.001-08:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

While basically every single featured quote in this series has been something Female Boss has muttered aloud or just enuff to be audible, a couple of these quotes are things that have been said that I would desperately want to stretch out into an Angry Time but either I was unable to write down the info needed to really give the tale some meat or I assumed I would remember the gist of it when the time to write came and I didn't write enuff info down. Either way its my bad and the quotes sit here unused on my desk for months. So I took some time to gather them up and feature them in this Female Boss Mutterings post.

Here's One: This one I really wish I could remember what the conversation revolved around cuz I remember laughing after she said it. All I can remember is that it was over something important and Female Boss was giving sage advice to a Plastic. In order for Female Boss to get her friend motivated she went the route of 5th grade tactics.. not a usual path to tread upon when having a serious conversation with a friend but what do we expect from our fellow sophisticate.. and if I recall the point she made was absolutely off topic and made no sense to use it as a reference.. fuck I'm so mad I didn't have more context to put this in:

"Well, cuz you're a young woman! Duh! You really shouldn't be such a faggot."

Here's Another: This one probably falls into the regular Mutterings category but whatever.. I'm running out of Female Boss blathering so I might as well include this one or I may have to wait months before I can put it in the blog. All that was happening was Pigfoot was outside looking thru the glass sliding door at us. He had his front paws on the concrete step and his back legs were down on the grass. He could see that we were paying attention to him and started wagging his tail. Female Boss then chimes in:

"Awww, look Northe. Pigfoot is showing me his stair project."

She then starts to clapping adding in a Yay every few seconds.. this goes on for almost a minute..

And Another: Female Boss was on the line with a Plastic with The One in her lap. She had just made plans with the Plastic to hang out o'er the weekend. She starts to tell The One about her plans after she hangs up. She picks The One up and starts wiggling him happily talking about, "We're gonna see Plastic this weekend!"

The One doesn't react at all. Female Boss sets him back down in her lap a few moments later. The One curls up to sleep again.

"He doesn't want Plastic to see him in the pink coat."

This makes as much sense to me as it does to you. My guess is she bought him a nice, pink coat to pussify this poor mutt even more and plans on making him wear it with the Plastic present. Then again, maybe she's been making him wear it nonstop while at home and he's sick of it? No clue, I just like how Female Boss has conversations with herself out loud. Its the only thing that makes sense as she offers no frames of reference most of the time and/or expects no follow up response.

Caution: Geniuses At Work 2

2008-02-21T08:06:00.000-08:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Scenario #1: I realize that the copy machine has only been around for 4 or 5 decades, give or take where you site your sources from, and clearly this isn't near enuff time to expect either one of these modern day nightsoil farmers to figure out how to use one. If I recall correctly, Female Boss needed to make about 20-25 copies of some one page document to hand out at the local yam festival or some such. She starts up the machine and before long I hear the machine start to churn out copies.

"Oh fuck. Shit. Shit! How can I get this to stop?"

Mind you, Female Boss is about five feet from me at this point and I ignore her and handle my shit like its business as usual.

"Where's the stop? How can I stop this? Shit!"

*Whhiiirrrrr-chik*

The copy machine powers down and crams a couple extra pieces of paper in its inner workings. I glance over and see Female Boss standing beside it with the power cable in her hand. Good call, just nip shit in the bud. In a panic ridden situation such as that, one can only act with drastic measures.. there's simply no other option.

"Shit, how do I stop this thing?" she asks again.

"Looks like you just did," I point out.

"Yeah, but I mean how can I stop it for real?"

For real? As in like a normal person? I get up from my desk and walk over to the copy machine. I scan the control panel for about 5 seconds pretending to look for something that's staring at me so plainly.

"Ah, there it is," I say.

"Which one is it?" she asks.

"That large red one that says 'Stop/Cancel' on it."

"Ha ha, ohh. Duh, its only like the size of a pepperoni.. thanks, Northe," she says with a good deal of sarcasm in her voice.

I take my seat while I picture myself removing her liver with a pen.

Scenario #2: I think this was my favorite office tool to play with when I was a kid. Going into my dad's office at home and digging thru his crap while he wasn't there I'd always find myself reaching for this monstrous gadget. With its saber like teeth and little screws on the side that looked like eyeballs to a child's imagination, the staple remover was hands down the coolest shit in the office. Who'da thought that it would also be Female Boss' favorite item in the office to use.

It was kinda weird at first, when Female Boss would staple something it was always a big ordeal it seemed. Always some kind of frustration in her actions, be it huffing and puffing or an angry ruffling of the papers and I never took a second to see why. I made a point to check it out the next time and finally got to see.

*Click*

Female Boss staples the papers together, lifts the stapled corner papers to eye level and lets out a sigh, "Every time," she mutters.

She goes for her staple remover, yanks out the staple and staples the papers again. Upon careful inspection she files the papers away in her desk. Peculiar. Next time, same thing happens. One staple in, one removed, stapled again, all is right in the world. The third time was the breaking point. She staples some paper, removes it, staples it again and checks it out. This time she is not satisfied.

"Fuck, I hate this! This stapler always takes two or more staples to get it right!"

With completely no clue what she's talking about I ask her, "What's wrong with it?"

"It just doesn't staple right. Do we have any others?"

Sure, I coulda given her mine on my desk but what fun is that? So I tell her, "No."

I mean shit, if you don't even know that there's at least two or three others staplers in the office you're a fuckin idiot and deserve to marinate in your stupidity. However, this wasn't the end of it quite yet. When Female Boss leaves for lunch, I swap my stapler for hers to see if its a stapler problem or a user problem.

When I use her stapler its no big deal. Works fine. Then I put myself into the mind of a sprig of broccolini.. hmm, what's this? I notice that the corner of the staple is kinda crimped in, bent a bit. Is this why the stapler "doesn't staple right?"

I grab a few sheets of paper, staple once and staple again in succession. I take a good look at the two staples and I'll be damned if the first isn't bent that tiny fraction of a bit and the other one looks just about flawless. To test the theory a bit further when Female Boss gets back from lunch I tell her I think I fixed her stapler for her.

Sure enuff she is ecstatic, "What did you do!?"

I tell her I just straightened the striking piece. I do it one more and tell her, "I hate staplers like that, they're better off in the trash.. I'm glad I fixed it."

"I know! I can't believe you made this piece of shit work!"

I'll be walking on water next week, folks.

Desktop Lunching

2008-02-18T10:34:00.001-08:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Announcement: Before we get down to business I wanted you guys to notice the new link I put on the right: Angry Time Sandbox. This is where I, Northe, and several other Angry Timers go to spend a few hours while at work or whatever to get some much needed entertainment pumping thru our veins. Everyone needs a sandbox to play in, this just could become yours! The website is called Kongregate and there are tons of video games from logic, to action, to strategy, to just plain absurdity. The blooming Flash Gaming community uploads games that are rated by users etc etc. So due to the fact anyone can upload a game they designed in Flash some of the games are complete garbage and some are pretty fuckin good. Give it a go if you're interested.. a fun time is definitely had.. best yet its all FREE. If you enjoy the site enuff use the link to register and it will use me as a referral. Ok, enuff of that.. enjoy the latest travesty of the human condition.

The Latest: I was sitting there, minding my own business, waiting for the world to collapse on itself like a dying star when Female Boss breaks the silence by coming into the office. Ah, 11:05am.. right on time.. She carries The One in hand to her desk and starts to bitch about her workload. After about 30 minutes of laughing at her joke in-mails and not working she announces, "I'm gonna have to eat lunch here today, I can't afford to leave the office!"

Funny, cuz there's nothing crazy going on, we aren't slammed or anything.. its just that per her usual behavior she shows up a good hour before lunch, does nothing up until lunch, just like today, and apparently this is catching up to her. So, okay I'll buy it, I guess she is piled up with work, due to her own incompetence and unwillingness to get things done as they come down the line. Female Boss is usually the snag when it comes to the company dragnet to get paid. We need her to finish shit up, handle the reports she is responsible for to get our invoices out but she would rather sit on shit until the bolts are popping out of the boiler.. Male Boss is about the same, but thats another story.

Let's get things straight here, this is not to say that I am not a procrastinator, I would be willing to say that I could very well be the Dean of this School of Thought.. indeed, I am a firm believer in the immortal quote "Hard work often pays off after time, but laziness always pays off now." Were you studying the Angry Time gift idea section to your immediate right this quote would be a mere refresher course. It is this methodology that brought me to my realization of how to write papers in college and guarantee a high mark with little or no planning involved. All these fuckin professors want to hear is you parroting what they say, I took this stance and it always paid off. Waiting for the last day or two to write a 20 page paper based on notes and sheer memory always worked and, more so, the laziness always paid off. However, I am also smart enuff to realize that when you are in a business that pays on performance its in the company's and/or my best interest to get shit done as soon as possible giving us the ability to bill the client and collect a fuckin check. Female and Male Boss.. not so much.

Before I take this post in the opposite direction I want to go in, let me get back to the original idea. Female Boss is staying in the office to eat her lunch. The only pupperoni at the office today is The One who is comatose in her lap.. that is until Female Boss decided its time to eat. She takes out whatever the hell is required to fuel that high-powered brain of hers.. and whatever it is, The One thinks that its his. He bounces up from her lap and puts his front paws on the desk trying to hoist himself up to the prize.

"Hey, The One, I'm eating this ya'know!"

Hmm, complete thought communicated in a clear voice.. well enunciated.. I'm pretty sure that's proper sentence structure.. but a bit of slang in there.. yeah, that's probably why The One isn't obeying her command and now forcing himself thru both of her arms to get onto the desk..

Female Boss knocks the one off balance and back onto her lap with her elbow, "Mine!"

The One goes at it again, Female Boss ripostes, "This is mine! Mine!"

Still undeterred, The One gives it another go, "No! Mine! Noooooo, mine!"

Ah, the "No Command" that oughtta work.. being that The One is trained and all..

"Hey, hey, hey, hey, HEY!"

In frustration, Female Boss slams both palms of her hands on her desk. The One retreats to her lap in fear. Female Boss rushes to take a few bites of food from her plate before The One begins to slowly work his way back to his goal. At this point, Logic is holding a shiv to Female Boss' kidney and pleading with her to just set the stupid dog down on the ground to solve this problem.. but no threat, great nor small, would ever shine thru to Female Boss that would result in a show of marginal intelligence. Her underdeveloped brain fights tooth and nail to avoid coming to such a conclusion and knows that just with a bit more talking and elbowing The One will behave and submit to his Master's wishes.

Logic has exhausted himself. He glances over to see Female Boss sharing the second half of her lunch with The One and our dear friend Logic has now resorted to shoving thumb tacks into the roof of his own mouth as a desperate attempt to cope with what he has seen as he tries to rationalize the situation in his own mind. Now when I say share, I mean share.. The One is eating off of her plate as Female Boss picks at her plate around his head like the forks of two lovers dancing around a shared meal. Dysfunctional bliss.. somebody please knee cap me to erase the memories..

Easy To Confuse 'Em

2008-02-15T08:47:00.000-08:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Female Boss is on the phone with a Client. Like any normal conversation, that even the most casual of my loyal Angry Time following would imagine, Female Boss makes no exception for a business conversation and turns it into complete and utter preposterous levels. It went a little something like this...

We'll just go ahead and begin at the part where Female Boss is taking the turn to personal conversation and talking about the area we live in. Client located about two hours from us isn't all too familiar with the area, so Female Boss decides to shed some light on the situation, "Yeah, you know, we live in a pretty friendly neighborhood."

At this point I imagine Client is commenting back but Female Boss interrupts the conversation, "No, no wait.. we live in a friendly neighborhood. Right? (Repeating herself much slower now with a deeper and dumber accent) We live in a friendly neighborhood."

I have no clue what the fuck she is doing, the best part is she doesn't stop. Still speaking in that slow, dumb voice, "Everyone wants to live in a friendly neighborhood. Don't you want to live in a friendly neighborhood?"

After a while Female Boss is laughing so hard she can't continue. Between breaths and giggling she starts letting out huge sighs.. at one point I swear I saw her take a tissue to the corner of her eye. I have no clue what the fuck her deal is. The worst thing about someone who isn't funny is when that someone thinks they are funny. Makes the idea of suspension less freakish and possibly more of a solution.

Female Boss catches her breath, "Haha, oh I'm sorry. Oh, hahaha. Its just that it sounds like Mr. Simmons or whatever."

What the fuck? Who the fuck is Mr. Simmons?

"Or Mr. Richards, whatever his name is. How he talks about his friendly neighborhood and all."

Did she just think that Richard Simmons was Mr. Rogers or, better yet, what the fuck is she talking about? I don't even know if Mr. Rogers is the person she is thinking about but its the only damn person I can think of that would talk about the value of being surrounded by friendly neighbors. I can see that as being the leap she made. I mean its easy to confuse 'em isn't it? Chances are she is no where near being on target with anything so who knows at this point if the reference is not just some made up crap floating around in her noggin. So fuckin dumb. Who the fuck knows. What I do know is that she has turned off Client so much that conversation ends and she hangs up all but 15 seconds after her last statement. Well done.

As she hangs up the phone Female Boss starts up again, "Damn it. I just remembered the guy's name. I feel like such an idiot. Its Mr. Wills! Duh!"

What!? I immediately did a search on what the fuck Mr. Wills is and unfortunately, I am pretty sure Female Boss is mistaken yet again. Shocking, I know, that a mind as capable as hers isn't able to fish up an accurate memory. However, I did narrow it down to Mr. Bill as being a television character too. I must admit tho, I have limited knowledge of this character. Chances are this clay, Saturday Night Live humanoid spends his time coercing Pokey to get him in good with that flexible Gumby chap. Anywho, if any of you can verify that maybe Female Boss was thinking of this guy, if he ever talks about his neighborhood, that would be great. If not, I'll be punishing myself over the realization that I just spent my valuable time trying to make sense of what goes on in that lady's head. I'm losing the war, folks.

Caution: Geniuses At Work

2008-02-13T08:04:00.001-08:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Today we'll touch on some of the technical every day difficulties that I get to see at the office. The type of thing that happens over and over again to the point that its so common I truly forget how deep seeded the boobery I have to deal with truly is. Let's just get to it.

Scenario #1: At one point we had a good fax machine. Somewhere between the rampant idiocy and the drooling state of office affairs, Female Boss decided to buy a "new" one for no fucking apparent reason. The old one worked fine, had no problems and was easy to work with.. hence, good.

Female Boss ends up finding a deal in the newspaper for a fax machine, $20 used. She jumps on this deal like a hobo heaving herself on a nickle. Still miffed at the whole transaction I jump at the opportunity to take the old machine and give it to a friend of mine.. but let's talk about what Female Boss brought in the office. This "new" machine is probably from the 80's. It doesn't even use ink! It uses a roll of toner for crying out loud! That odd carbon paper shit! I don't think I have seen something that prints using a sheet of black carbon, or whatever the fuck it is, since my dad's "cutting edge" word processor he bought back in '83.

The current problem, aside from finally locating a vendor that still sells the bulky toner cartridges, has been both Boss' ability to fax effectively. After about two faxes, I figured out that this stupid fuckin machine can only handle about two pages in the feed tray at a time. So rather than being productive you have to babysit the stupid thing as you fax multi-page documents.. one goes thru and is starting to read the next, you then put the next page in the tray, rinse and repeat till you are done. Total pain in the ass but hey it was such a great deal at $20, right whore?

After several uses, Female Boss has totally abandoned trying to send faxes and makes me do it for her. She doesn't understand the concept of feeding individual pieces of paper into the tray even after I have explained it to her and showed her how to do it, seriously, about a half a dozen times. As for Male Boss, things are much more interesting. Taking the typical word of advice and caution to the wind, I constantly get to see Male Boss loading the fax machine with 10, 15, 20 sheets of paper at a time.. all resulting in a monstrous paper jam.

Male Boss' reactions include: screaming, hitting the fax machine, questioning Female Boss' decision to purchase a new fax machine in various ways, such as, "When the fax machine works, you buy the new one? How fucking stupid you are?", yanking the cord out while the fax machine squeals in pain and asking me questions like, "Why he takes all of them," he being the fax machine, all of them referring to the 33 pieces of paper he wants to fax that took him a good 5 minutes to cram into the paper tray resulting in his 29th paper jam to date.. and that's since I started counting about a month or so after Female Boss bought it early last year. If only the contraption had some exposed wiring or something it'd be even more entertaining.. nothing like a little voltage running thru the ticker every time you're an idiot.

Scenario #2: This one is a short one but still as mind numbingly stunning as any other. It involves a conversation with Female Boss wanting to print a document. She had downloaded it via in-mail and saved it to her desktop.

"Hey Northe, can I print this document?"

Are you fucking kidding me, "Yes."

"Ok, I want to print it."

I refuse to waste my breath.

"Ok, so.. I go to print. Hey, but wait, Northe, its like 30 pages."

I still don't say anything. What's the point really? All we are waiting for is the big payoff so what quicker way to get there by just letting her continue to snowball?

"Well, what I'm saying is I want to print it but I don't want to print the 30 pages."

"You want to print the whole thing?"

"Yes," she answers.

"But you don't want to print the whole thing?"

"Yes," she answers again.

If only I was Billy Crystal in Mr. Saturday Night.. you see what I did there?

Female Boss Mutterings 6

2008-02-08T07:35:00.001-08:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Holy shit. Do you realize it has almost been a whole year and a half since I have called upon this ongoing epic string of pitiful whispering not meant for any ears let alone eyes!? A year and a half! I can't believe it. Well, hopefully it lives up to the high expectations.. in all honesty, I don't know if it will as most of Female Boss' mutterings have been a lot of the same ol' shit and I try to do my best to keep things fresh up in here. I think I'll keep my side comments out of this post.. let the reader really enjoy it and soak in the simplistic beauty and euphoria I experience when I hear these from the whorse's mouth. Here's some of the latest and most interesting.

"I thought chocolate was supposed to wake you up."

Glaring at The One, "Look at him rub his ass along the rug.. I knew he was gonna do that."

"How come they say mother-in-law, it doesn't make any sense."

"I have to work on not repeating myself."

"Shit. Is thank you one word or two?"

After Male Boss was giving her crap over nothing, "Fuck you. He's an asshole. You asshole. He just wants to piss me off."

"What time was it a year ago?"

Half whispering and half singing in the face of a screaming Demonseed to calm the bird down, "Its an innocent little girl.. you're just an innocent little girl.."

"What number do I call to find out what time traffic starts?"

"If I had the money I would give Pigfoot lipo to improve his lifestyle."

Do what you will with these few here and I'll see if I can't get you more in the future. In the meantime, pop in HMT's favorite band "Capitol Offense"'s latest CD and let the everyday stylings of Huckabee's epic bass playing open your eyes to how rotten, inside and out, our country's political system has become. Truly nauseating.

Angry Time Observations

2008-02-05T12:10:00.001-08:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

We're off topic today. Let's see what I can fish up and just rant about. Hey I know, let's go after the movies we are being subjected to. Generally speaking, the last few months of movies spewed out by Hollywood some words that come to mind are feeble, shameful and deplorable.

Agree or disagree?

Seriously, what are you gonna throw at me? Cloverfield? Please. Like I shouted from the rooftops for months, if you knew me, that shit was gonna be Blair Witch on the streets of New York. You can easily come to the conclusion that it will be pure garbage when you see the name J.J. Abrams affiliated with that shit. This motherfucker has brought some of the biggest disappointments in television history in recent years with the titles Alias and Lost. Now I know a bunch of you teet sucklers are still begging for Lost to be worth a shit but I seriously doubt it. The guy comes up with great ideas but can't finish em. He's the typical Hollywood writer that comes out with an idea with tremendous potential but can't deliver a stable storyline that stands the test of time let alone the mental strength to figure out how to end it! Case in point is how he wrecked Alias in the last couple seasons and what he did with fuckin Cloverfield!

Don't get me started on that salty wad of lung cheese. That mother fucker promoted the shit outta this film, which is what he does best (note references above and realize they are all successful products due to his hype machine), as some sort of monster movie in which the monster is seen for all of a handful of minutes but then, THEN this mother fucker had the audacity to score a zero on the creativity scale by making it a sorry ass love story. That's right, the shit is a fuckin love story, say otherwise and you're fulla shit. There is no action, there are no redeeming qualities.. taking it one further, if you felt any fright in this movie you'd probably go sleepless for a week after watching Gremlins, you colossal puss. The only thing you're left with at the end of this movie is hope and mystery. The same hope and mystery that will get your sorry ass to shell out more money in the future.

The movie is peppered with small tidbits of information that the average maggot in society finds hearty enuff to feast on.. sure, there'll be a 2nd Cloverfield and a 3rd.. all the while J.J. will throw you some bones but the big picture will end up being either A) missing or B) pointless. Come on you Lost fans.. sounds pretty fuckin familiar, doesn't it? Face the facts, jack.. horrible movie, poorly done and executed with the precision of a blind truck driver.

Sidebar: Before you think I put up my hard earned money to watch this movie know that I snuck in like a high school reject.. jeah, bitches!

What about Atonement? I watched this with my girlfriend via our friend the internet and those wacky illegal websites willing to give us access to movies for no cost. Saving money while being afforded the luxury to watch something I doubt I will enjoy? Sounds like a winner to me.

Don't worry, I'll sum up this movie in short order. 20 minutes into the movie my girlfriend, the love story queen of the ages, suggested we turn off the movie as it has already shown itself to be an over-hyped, hodgepodge of slow play half-drama seasoned with "dramatic" shots of panning over green-screen landscapes that take up 20 minutes of your life without giving you any sort of element that would be linked with relevance. The sad fact is I can see some of you wow'ing at the idea to present a movie without telling a story half the time as being "revolutionary" so hey, if that's your thing go back to your independent film making and keep living on top ramen.. you're ruining the perception of what a quality product is. At least do me the decency of only subjecting it to your inner circle of friends whose idea of a good time is rubbing cocaine on their gums, you ephemeral aristocrats.

I will give the writer a dash of credit with the "surprise" ending as I am a man that expects things created thru imagination to be concluded with just as powerful, if not a more powerful, sense of imagination that it started with. This is the only thing in that flick that stuck with me, a twist for an ending that was too little too late.. its kind of like sifting thru a bowl of phlegm and finding a brownie bite. Oh and don't think I forgot about you Hollywood.. way to honor this garbage with hundreds of awards.. you posse of worthless, self-righteous douchebags..

To quote my liege Braveheart, "I'm not finished!" How about the last ones I reduce to jelly and sinew are the well-paid analysts, commentators and "experts" that pounded us for weeks with their completely incorrect opinions about the Super Bowl? How about we knee cap these sad sack, self-important jackoffs that can be so dead wrong with no consequence. The weathermen of the sports world.. this fraternity of doe-eyed band wagoners. Am I a Giants fan? Fuck no. Did I think the Giants would win, not a chance. So why am I being such a dick about this?

Cuz I'm not paid for my opinion!

How can everyone be so fuckin wrong about something that was seemingly so set in stone? I am a huge football fan, huge. There is no time of the year that is better in my opinion than football season.. and to see the dumb fuckin looks on all these assholes faces tells me there is something right in the world. No matter what everyone is saying, no matter how loud the voices, no matter how strong the opinion you still gotta play the game. You still gotta play the game. Tremendous respect for the Giants. You gotta believe that, even if you're a Patriots fan.. you got punched in the mouth and didn't get back up. You got beat, plain and simple. If Eli woulda been having one of his great games, far and few between as they may be, it woulda been a fuckin stomping.. believe that. Its season enders like this that make us love the game.

One more thing before I end this one. Tiki Barber, you look like a complete idiot. How can your colleagues even look you in the eyes? From day one you built the foundation of your career on shit talking the Giants organization, Eli Manning, Tom Coughlin and your teammates. You sorry pathetic piece of shit, you look like a complete joke. Sure as fuck seems like there was a locker room problem on that team and it resolved itself once you left. That's gotta taste sweet to those that you railroaded for all those months. You sorry ass weatherman, desktop squawk box. Its only people like you and those propped up to such prestigious positions in society and government that can be so painfully and terribly wrong yet still keep their jobs and continue to make more money than most of the population based on a short-sided, biased and the just plain wrong opinion of what you thought Giants football was about. I'll go back to doing the job I do so fuckin well while being held accountable for it like the majority of the world.

Eat shit. Let nothing or no one be safe from the scope of my vision.. especially those that deserve to be called out by society based on the all-too-obvious. Angry Time in effect. Till next time.

Got Milk?

2008-02-04T09:37:00.001-08:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Female Boss starts off the day by telling me that The One and Puppy had a bit of a tiff last night that involved The One clamping down on the throat of Puppy which Female Boss had to break up. There was no damage, no blood, not even a scratch, probably just a warning shot across the bow letting Puppy know if she fucks with The One again its gonna be angry time. Of course I am delighted to hear the news cuz any potential for a story about the dogs always gets high marks by you folks. The info pays off as we get a small delivery here likely linked to the events of the night prior.

In her infinite wisdom, Female Boss brought in a small doggy enclosure to give the two dogs a little bit of space.. which I think she mentioned that she uses in the kitchen at her place. She puts The One in the enclosure and Puppy is allowed to roam free.. since its rainy out the dogs get to stay inside if they wish. As for Pigfoot he's taking up his normal roost outside and sleeping the day away, poor weather or not. The morning was as normal as any.

Post-lunch a hyper Puppy starts testing The One's waters. Although I can't see what exactly is going on, I can hear Puppy running around the whole house and stopping in front of The One's enclosure. The One is starting to get a bit peeved about Puppy's taunting but rather than react like a regular, angry, fuckin dog with growling, The One acts like a pathetic, whimpering bitch and starts to whine for his mommy. Enter Female Boss with her across-the-house inquiries to her precious pooch, "What's the problem, The One? Did Puppy do something gross?"

I have no idea what that means but it isn't shutting The One up. Before long Female Boss will lose it and in short order does. Building on her repertoire, Female Boss introduces me to a new means by which to deal with her mounting frustration. While she pounds the clickable end of a pen into her forehead she pleads to her pagan gods, "Please, please, please, please.."

I sit in sheer amazement that her method is not working.. but this has never stopped her before, "Please stop, please stop. Fuck.. please be quiet."

Hmm, still not working.. in fact, The One's crying is getting much, much louder.. likely due to the fact that he knows he has piqued Female Boss' interest in him. So what better way to get what you want than make a bigger fuss. Female Boss' reaction is a bit harsh.. even for her, "I hate myself."

Hopefully her hate for herself lies within the fact that she is the one that has created these mentally disturbed dogs.. among other things, too. Finally she gets up from her desk and stops The One from behaving like a complete puss. Oh wait, she's treating him like a complete puss so she is merely facilitating the behavior further.. After pampering The One with smooches and hugs, Female Boss does what any smart animal lover and pet owner would do and sets The One down on the ground.. out in the open.. the same open that Puppy, you know the dog that was taunting him a few seconds ago, is roaming free..

Within seconds, The One runs down Puppy and places her gentle, swan-like neck into his clamping jaw. Female Boss shrieks like a banshee, I go over for a closer look. The One has Puppy planted firmly on the ground with a paw, Female Boss is frozen in terror and can't even speak, tho no signs of the chewing action going on by The One so thats a good thing.. I guess. Seeing that Female Boss is not going to do anything, I give The One a swift kick to his soft, white underbelly and he lets Puppy go. I get in between The One and Puppy using the Shaolin blade that is my foot. The One still has fight left in him and starts trying to snap at Puppy who is cowering against the wall a couple feet away. Simply shoving my foot in front of The One's face prevents him from charging at Puppy again. Female Boss finally gets her wits about her and picks up The One.

"Jeezus! Thank you so much I didn't know what to do!"

It is my opinion that freezing up during any time of duress is a terrible sign of weakness that should be eliminated from our society. We don't need people like this. They serve no purpose. Really, what's the point if you have no mettle? Everywhere else in nature dictates that you will be phased out, period. Controlled extermination, c'mon people, get with it.

Coming back to the story now, The One is scooped up by Female Boss and is like putty in her hands, its like the whole thing never happened with the way he is acting. Its kind of disturbing when I think about it. Wait a second, here's the big moment! Its another of Female Boss' opportunities to take any disciplinary action against any one of her unruly dogs. Here we go! Wait for it! Female Boss puts a stern look on her face and holds The One up to her eyes and, and, and..... starts to laugh..

"Ha ha ha, look at this, Northe! He has white on his lower lip like the dairy commercials!"

Female Boss is stricken with joy.. sure, why not? Is there really anything else in the world that would make sense, really? The "white" on his lower lip is anger foam from trying to snap his jaws at Puppy.. easily mistaken by the unlearned eye for something cuddly and sweet. The "dairy commercial" is obviously the Got Milk? ad.. tho I believe she has the upper lip confused with the lower lip.. another expected hiccup for someone who in society helps run a successful and profitable business. I must admit tho, I'm actually kind of surprised she made an almost-accurate pop reference.. which obviously overshadows any type of concern for the dogs and the evening's home situation for Female Boss. Keep on encouraging and/or ignoring the warning signs Female Boss.. a truly epic Angry Time hangs in the balance for that to happen sooner rather than later.

New Skin is New Life

2008-02-02T00:15:00.001-08:00

Like a demented serial killer fashions an overcoat from the flayed skin of his victim's, Angry Time is sporting a new look! The new design and graphics are compliments of long time Angry Timer, Gatsulu, who happens to do web design and is desperate for your table scraps.. so if you want to get over on a sick looking website for back alley Mexico prices lemme know.. I'll get you in touch with him. Second, toss feedback my way via in-mail or comments. Enjoy the new look and a whole new year of Angry Time triumphs!

A Little Late For Thanksgiving Posts

2008-02-01T08:25:00.001-08:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I dropped the ball on this one. I was supposed to get this one to you back last year right after Thanksgiving. The problem is with such a list of Angry Times to write up it got lost in the mix.. my apologies..

So for the sake of this post, I need you guys to put yourself back in the times of full bellies, dousing your sleeping grandmother with the cold, coagulated and gelatinous remains of what's left in the gravy boat and swapping stories of hornswaggling the local native american down the street for ol' times sake.. ok, we there yet? Good.

Female Boss was on the phone with her brother waxing fancy pants knowledge and some such.. it went a little something like this..

"Well, it really is doom and gloom out here. You should see the way they are advertising! The economy is tanking!"

Preparing myself for the knowledge to drop, I stroke my index finger and thumb across my chin.

"Well, yeah! I mean this year they are starting things up the day after Thanksgiving! Like, EARLY. MORNING. SALES!"

Like many of my fellow Americans, Female Boss knows that the pulse of the fragile American economy relies on retail marketing ideas and trends. Furthermore, the financial desperation of the average American is directly related to the time sales, especially those of the post-Thanksgiving variety, start in the a.m.. Compound that with the fact that Female Boss has apparently never heard of "Black Friday" or "The Christmas Shopping Season" and we are ripe for the next Great Depression. If Greenspan was still in charge he'd have pointed that out weeks in advance.. why Bernanke didn't have the stones to give us fair warning is beyond me..

"Well, yeah. It gets worse! They are starting to talk about these other sales now. Like One-Day and Two-Day sales.. they're getting desperate out there."

One and two day sales? Whatever happened to the honest lunchtime sales of yore!? These stores might as well join ranks with the professional beggars and cut their losses! Truthfully tho, this makes me wonder what exactly the reaction of her brother is during this conversation. I know him to be of marginal intelligence at the very worst, so what could be going on in his mind during this philosophical rant by Female Boss? Whatever he is or isn't doing is only making her continue..

"This isn't good. I for one haven't seen anything like it. Have you? I mean, all these gimmicks to get people in to the stores.. I really don't like it."

What sucks is I didn't get to hear how the conversation ended as I had to take a phone call but the bottom line is something is definitely up. I used to believe the last thing businesses wanted out of the population was to reap some sort of financial gain from us.. but now, with the points Female Boss has raised I am starting to think otherwise. Think about it, were I not to listen to Female Boss' phone call I might have fallen prey to their scandalous ways rather than put my money under the mattress! Needless to say, her words got around fast enuff to stop the country from going into financial meltdown but I will keep you all informed if any further insightful forecasting is brought to light much, much earlier next time..

"Company" Cell Phones

2008-01-30T10:21:00.001-08:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

It was decided that the company, read as: everyone but me, should have cell phones. Before you get the image of in-office communication being handled via tin cups and miles of string, understand that everyone does already have a cell phone.. which makes the executive decision all the more suspicious. I have no clue why Female Boss wants to move herself, Male Boss and The Professional over to a Company Cell Phone program. The only thing I can think of is for tax purposes and maybe that she can pay less than her individual cell phone plan yet use more minutes.

Either way the order was placed and the new cell phones were en route. When they arrive, I come to find out that Female Boss ordered herself one of those multi-functional blackberries, whereas Male Boss and The Professional are stuck with basic crapshop flip phones.. zero bells and/or whistles. I guess these pissant phones for Male Boss and The Professional don't have sim cards or anything like that either.. maybe that's last year's technology but I know all the cell phones I have owned in the last few years have had one so that seemed kinda odd to me.

The reason why she has made the switch is becoming clear.. shocking to think that Female Boss would make a self-serving decision without running it by anyone essentially. Well, that statement is only slightly unfair I guess. She did let Male Boss know she was going to do this. Of course Male Boss had no rational means by which he can question the decision. You see, Female Boss is smart enuff to know that discussing anything outside of potato chip trivia and tight fitting manorexic jeans with Male Boss is equivalent to talking nuclear fission with a pine cone.

The beauty with Female Boss' promotional deal is that as soon as she receives the cell phones she has to call the company to activate them. So she goes ahead and calls up the now infamous tech support compound for the world located in India. First things first, *ahem* "Lisa" prompts Female Boss to turn on her phone and retrieve a text message she has now sent her to begin the activation process. As likely as a scenario as there ever was, Female Boss starts having a fit, "Its not working."

Being the tech guru of the office, which isn't saying much, I offer my outstretched hand silently to see if I can figure out the problem. Female Boss ignores my advances and keeps going thru the PowerOn procedure. "Lisa" starts getting impatient and inquisitive, "Yes the battery is in, I put it in myself," snaps back Female Boss sternly.

"I mean does the thing have any power in the battery? Should I charge it?" she says while still fiddling with it.

After a few more minutes, Female Boss starts voicing her complete befuddlement as to why they sent her "a defective phone."

Again, I hold my hand out. Female Boss gets the hint and hands me the phone. I don't bother hitting the power button bcuz I know she has tried this approach a good 48 times to no avail. Instead, I flip the phone over on its face and pop open the battery casing. Shocking, no battery.

"There's no battery in here, Female Boss," I say as I hand it back to her.

"There has to be, I put it in myself!"

I grab the box from the table, remove the hunk of plastic that is the battery and remove it from its taped-closed, plastic sleeve, "Here ya go," I say.

Female Boss is now explaining to "Lisa" that she knows she put the battery in and even goes as far as saying, "Ok, I'm putting the battery in again."

Now we come to her sim card. Female Boss exclaims with great delight, "I have a zin card!"

"Lisa" tells Female Boss to get her "zin card" from her old phone. Female Boss can't immediately find her phone and freaks. She starts slamming the palm of her hand all over her desk on piles of paper seeing if her cell phone is underneath anything.

"Oh I know, its in my car. Would you mind holding?"

Female Boss goes out to her car. About 5 minutes pass. She comes back in.

"Have you seen my cell phone, Northe?"

Leave me the fuck alone, "No."

She gets back on the phone and tells our resident chutney-butt "Lisa" that she cannot find her "zin card" and if its necessary to have to activate the phone. "Lisa" tells her yes. Female Boss puts her back on hold.

"Did you see me put down my cell phone anywhere, Northe?"

Jeezus fuck, of course I did! In fact, Female Boss, I can't get any work done until I find out where exactly you set down your fucking phone, "No."

"I have no clue if I even brought it to the office today!"

I would venture to say that a goldfish has a better memory than you, "You must have, you called me from your car while on your way in to ask about Client Meeting."

"Oh you're right, did I have it on me when I came in to the office?"

I stop answering.

Female Boss keeps slamming the palms of her hands around her desk. I look at Female Boss doing her best cave man impression and throw out the advice, "Did you check your jacket?"

"Oh! Where is it?"

My voice goes monotone, "On the back of your chair..."

Female Boss finds her phone in her jacket and gets back on the line.

"Hello? Hello? Hello? Hello!? HELLO!? They put me on hold!"

The nerve of those people...

A few minutes go by and Female Boss starts up a new conversation, "Oh hi, Amber, I was just on hold with Lisa, she was helping me set up my zin card."

"Amber" says something that makes Female Boss say back with a puzzled look on her face, "No I am pretty sure its a zin card, I don't think I have a sim card."

"Amber" catches on pretty quickly and realizes that she is dealing with an underdeveloped mind and starts trying to set Female Boss up on the network. Female Boss is following "Amber's" instructions and interjects, "Hey what's this button on the front?"

"Amber" goes thru probably ten different answers to which all are met with Female Boss saying, "No, its on the front of the phone."

Which really means the back of the phone. Which really means that its not a button. Which actually turns out to be the camera. "Ohhhhh, the camera!" says a delighted Female Boss.

Yeah, fascinating. Then, to my satisfaction, "Amber" puts Female Boss on hold. About a minute goes by and a now offended Female Boss is speaking with "Anne."

"Uh huh, well Anne, I wanted to speak with your supervisor if they are available."

Female Boss is connected with Associate. She tells Associate that she feels like no one wants to help her with her problem. Obviously leaving out the fact that she has the inability to follow simple instructions without interjecting irrelevant queries at the drop of a hat. However, the diligent Associate takes the problem into his own hands and gets Female Boss set up after 10 minutes. Female Boss then hands me her phone. On the screen is the Tutorial Process loaded into the phone. Now why would Female Boss hand me the phone now? Well the answer is obvious, so she has no clue how to work her phone in the future. Sounds good to me.

Once I am done and am pretty familiar with her phone I hand it back to her. She starts squinting and doing the ol' phone close to the face, phone far away from the face technique. Apparently she is having a hard time reading it and then lets me know, "I can't read the numbers."

Female Boss fumbles around for her 99 cent store glasses, puts em on and says, "I still can't read the numbers." She grabs a 2nd pair of glasses and puts them on over the other pair. Looking like a complete ass, as if she needed any help from either pair of glasses, Female Boss starts pecking away at her new phone with a big grin on her face. Needless to say, she never really figured out anything regarding her new phone and was even asking multiple questions to an unanswering Northe. Oh well, like I give a fuck.. you hand me your phone when its tutorial is ready to teach you how to use it you deserve to suffer thru the most menial task.

Hey, Another Year Here

2008-01-28T09:26:00.001-08:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

The New Year came and went like a flash, never quite as eventful as some of the local boobery would have you believe, agreed? The good thing about ringing in the New Year is that we get to look forward to a whole other year of work.. yeah, great.

As most of you dread your decades of toil to come, walking into your usual office with co-workers you'd sooner gib in the name of John Fucking Rambo than offer them a whiff of the bathroom after you launched a sea pickle, your buddy Northe gets to walk in on the glorious Male Boss. Indeed, walk in on Male Boss futzing around with his 9 deck stereo system circa 1982 crackle, pop and hum thru his speakers until I am subjected to this. Go ahead, stay a while and listen..

Now as happy as "Brownprideroldies" is to be sharing that travesty of a song with the world of You Tube, I assure you I met Male Boss', while wearing a stinky shirt, sweat pants with a sheer worn down crotch and filthy socks, beckoning me to get up and do something that looked like "The Twist" with as cold and hard as a stare as that same You Tube uploader. All I needed was loc's and a button up shirt so I could just affix the top button to pull off the full effect.

"Come on, Northe! Its the New Years!" then singing in his horrid accent, "Giddy up Ding-dong!"

If this is how ppl celebrate bringing in the New Year, I want no part of it. That is to say, unless maybe I'm at a lofty position overlooking said celebration with a sniper rifle. Then, I could see some corny ass New Year's Party being fun.. only then could I..

Seconds thereafter, I turned my back to him and immersed myself in any place I could pull this here move with little to no repercussions aside from using a little extra detergent for that particular load of laundry. Oh, lemme guess.. that still from the new Rambo means nothing to you cuz you didn't see it? Well listen up, jerkass, you need to see it to find out what all happens! Two kills per minute in that movie.. I've said more than I need to.

So after this charade that has left me feeling embarrassed for Male Boss, he continues to bring out all the old insipid crap he seasoned his youth with. The great news is that Female Boss has been secretly seething at her desk this entire morning waiting for her moment to strike back. You see, she has been keeping an eye on him quite keenly. When the opportunity presents itself, Female Boss gets up from her desk and goes over to the stereo.

A quick set up of the scene places Male Boss on all fours fucking around with the wiring on the floor. Female Boss storms to the front of the stereo and gives the volume a liberal twist. The result is nothing more than a noise, shorting sound and a pop that makes Male Boss jump up about a foot and a half. Female Boss' play was so well timed she waited for his head to be right next to the floor speaker and WHAM, let him have it. Screaming ensues.. illogical, irrational barking and hooting.

After quips about as notable as a Shake N Bake dinner, the discussion goes toward our usual direction of folly.

Female Boss starts up with, "So the deal is I am going to from now on tell our clients that you are no longer working for the company and have become a fag Euro DJ, right?"

The kicker to this is she slams his favorite cordless phone straight down to the floor smashing it at Male Boss' feet. Male Boss is just standing there, fiery red, with no words coming out of his angry maw.

"You're a complete waste of my time!" she screams.

Female Boss goes for his pack of cigarettes.. this here kind. Now I don't know the first thing about letting a dried up leaf of some plant control my life, but these aren't gonna get you a free pass to walk around in Marlboro country. They are as thick as like 3 fuckin toothpicks, I mean is he serious? Anyway, she grabs his pack up smokes, goes over to the kitchen and dumps them down the garbage disposal.

"I warned you!" she yells.

The soothing roar of the garbage disposal makes quick work of his cigs.

Male Boss lets loose, "You fucking bitch! You have a big mental problem. A big fucking mental problem!"

Female Boss lashes back like a foreigner with English for a 3rd language might, "I know I do! I have a big fucking mental problem, YOU!"

Yeah, that made sense. It gets pretty frustrating that these two rarely ever share barbs worth reporting for shit talking purposes. If anything, I hope that this year brings much more physical violence and acting out to the office. This blog could always use more of that.

Saleswoman of the Future

2007-12-19T09:10:00.000-08:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Every now again there is change in all of us. From humans to the amoeba to lowly Female Boss we all experience some sort of change. The type of change is sometimes up to us. We can change our role, let's say.. from chair moistener.. to marketing guru. Sure, why not?

First Scenario: I didn't mean that Female Boss was going to become a marketing guru literally. What Female Boss is becoming, I suppose, could be classified as pushy, irritating or downright worthy of her hamstring being snapped in half with a scythe. She is really into her new pain in my ass attitude too. Why just the other day she was complaining about how she has been feeling sluggish all the time. I imagine that with the modern world we live in, her feeble brain is so over stimulated that before she gets out of the house she's exhausted. A while after, Female Boss came in to work telling me about her latest and greatest cocktail of herbs and vitamins to really put some pep in her step.

Indeed, it was about 9am, shockingly Female Boss was at work. She starts in on her being on time as a result of this line of crap she's been gagging down a few times a day to give her energy, "Aren't you tired in the morning?"

"No, I am pretty good at starting my day," I answer.

As if I answered yes and begged her for a solution, Female Boss rev'd up, "Uh huh. Well you gotta get on these!"

"Get on what?"

"These vitamins! I feel like I can work all day and then some!"

Then some, eh? So basically Female Boss is admitting that she needs some sort of crutch to really struggle thru a day. It probably takes that brain of hers so much energy to remember to perform the involuntary functions of the body that come evening she drools herself to sleep. However, I must say she is on top of her game. She takes her usual lunch break at around 11:30am and comes back on time, pretty incredible stuff.. maybe she is on to something here.

"Oh yeah, I am feeling good. If you want I can pick you up some on the way home, Northe."

"No thanks."

Female Boss moves to some sort of pyramid scam pressure tactic, "You don't want to feel this good all the time?"

"Nah, I'm feeling good as it is. No need to spend money on that kind of thing."

"Well, maybe you'll change your mind."

Sure, hold your breath while I grab lunch. When I get back from my lunch break, roughly a quarter to 2pm, she is still pecking away at her keyboard. I settle in and start banging out what I have to do. She starts up again with the bothersome salesman shit.

"So how can I get you on these vitamins, Northe?"

"Are you serious? I don't think I need them," I say with a bit more disdain in my voice than usual. I just can't stand shit like this. Leave me the fuck alone. I don't need some ground up, dry goat shit packed into a capsule to get my day going.

"Oh," she responds sadly.

Did I take the wind out of her sails? Nay. The truth was much more interesting. Little did I know Female Boss had already hit the wall. Perhaps conversation was the key to her salvation. At approximately 2:15pm, "I just have zero energy."

My hand reaches for the trusty Angry Time ledger, ready to write more.

"I am pooped. I think I need a nap."

No more than 20 minutes go by and Female Boss reaches for the phone.

"Male Boss, I think I am gonna go home. Yeah. I am sapped."

Oh yeah, you sold me on those vitamins. Can't wait to give 'em a whirl. Nie nie, peppy.

Last Scenario: Turns out that Female Boss is on some major airline spam in-mail list. The idea is to catch 24 hour deals on flights. I know this due to her habit of reading just about everything out loud like a kindergarten teacher during show and tell.. like I give a shit. She goes on talking about various air fares and deals going to this city and that city. Unless I'm getting surprise vacation time that I can take on a whim Female Boss needs to shut the fuck up as far as I'm concerned.

After a couple minutes her sharing ceases. While I am entrenched in what I have to do, I can't help but notice that Female Boss is extremely quiet. I kinda perk up my senses in her direction. Nothing. No sooner than I start to pay attention does she grab the phone. A phone call goes in to one of The Plastics.

"Hey, I have been thinking. You know how these Airline companies try to get you to buy tickets from them?.. Yeah, well I think I have an idea that they should try. You know, say they want you to buy a ticket to Delhi, they could put Delhi! Price is only $XXX, WOW!"

Never seen anything like that before in my life. Its like the airline would be promoting and drawing attention to their low fees! This is crazy! You wonder why they never used something like TV or print ads to do this!

After listening to The Plastic either belittle her for stupid she is or brainstorming the idea, Female Boss has more to say.

"Right, saying things like Direct flight home! Strange cities! Get it? I know!"

I really, really wanted her to take it to the next level and call up the airline company. You know.. give em some suggestions. What? You think she hasn't done something that absurd before? You don't know Female Boss then. Lucky for her this was before my Angry Time cataloging days and I don't remember enuff to really put together a story about it, but yeah, she has called up companies before trying to help them advertise before. I'm pretty sure she's still waiting on some checks in the mail for her services.

Conquering teh Internets!

2007-12-17T09:15:00.001-08:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Ever since the turn of the century Female Boss has been doing her best to keep the office up to a respectful level regarding technology. Little did she know that she was doing a piss poor job until I arrived on the scene a few years later. They didn't use that new fangled in-mail, had no clue that we could .pdf reports or even use the internet as a research tool. Only now are both of these officetime orange roughies (c'mon, Fish Game!) really starting to see the potential of this information age. Next thing you know they'll be stumbling upon this website and we'll all share a good laugh.

One day, Male Boss came home pretty excited about one of our older clients. Turns out that they took some time to show him what their website looks like and does. Let me just tell you, he was quite impressed with all the bells and whistles and also exposure to the world. This became his new mission: Build a Website!

His gumption was summed up in one sentence, "Female Boss, find out how to get us a website."

Shortly thereafter, he set up shop on the ol' couch, tore open a bag of potato chips and had himself dreams of greasy adventures. With Female Boss now on the job the fervor was steadily climbing. We're gonna turn this office into an e-office and doll out shares of stock like toilet paper! We're gonna be rich I tells ya! The energy is really upbeat, save for the snoozing man on the couch, Female Boss' questions like, "Do you think AOL knows how I can make a website?" and my slow yet satisfied hand writing down of all the absurd things happening around me.

After an hour of computer hacking, Female Boss lands herself on a do-it-yourself website that says you can make your own in minutes! The price is right and Female Boss is looking forward to, in summation from her very words, "express herself and show off her personal things" on the website. Sure, why not? This isn't about building a site for the company, its about random images, blurbs and features that have zero to do with us, our clients and our business. Everything is shaping up as well as I could expect. The question was would all that is promised really be delivered with the vigilant, slumbering giant Male Boss keeping one sharp eye on her from his couch?

Answer: Absofuckinlutely

Female Boss goes for it. She calls up the do-it-yourself website company and gives the cc digits to the employee. Before she knows it, Female Boss has a login and password and is ready to design the interweb.. but before all that she has to successfully navigate their website a second time and perform the login. To my dismay this goes by without a hitch. Female Boss starts in on the basics, URL, layout, colors.. all that crap.

All seems to be going well, then, she takes her lunch break. When she comes back, Female Boss wants to go on to the actual site from her trusty AOL browser. Uh oh, we have a problem..

"Hey Northe, what's my site name?"

"Uhh.. didn't you name it?" let's see if the nudge works.

"Yeah, but what is it?"

"Well, what did you name it?" I refuse to help this idiot.

"I want it to be called Website."

"Ok, so is that the name then?" C'mon lady, its not that hard.. connect the fucking dots here.. please..

"Hmm, what do you think? Should I call?"

"You probably have to," cuz fuckin trying ANYTHING is just plain stupid.

Without the usual hem and haw, Female Boss calls back the company. They tell her that the site name is up to her. She asks them again what it is. After a five minute conversation of explaining that it is up to that fleck of creativity blowing in the wind of her proverbial shanty town of a brain, Female Boss may have grasped it. Then, the guy on the other end of the phone tells her that she actually already named it Website.. the exact same name that she said 10 minutes ago. Wow, she might now know what her site name is. Let's check.

After she hangs up I ask her, "So what is the name of it then?"

Female Boss replies, "Oh, it was Website all along!"

Sometimes pulling the wings off a fly gives me great pleasure, "Are you sure? That's the way they said you should get to the site? I dunno.."

"Well.. well, yeah. I mean I guess."

At this point I'm waiting for her spontaneous combustion or an aneurysm.. something. Her brain has to be on complete overload. However, the seed didn't take root. :(

"Well if its not I am going to name it that right now."

Going back on the site and into the page editor she finds out everything is there the way she had originally done it and named it.. but its not over. The final design of the website was hardly business related at all. Instead of putting up a good deal of information about the company, Female Boss put up snapshots of her "art gallery" and dogs. The best part was when she used a photo provided by the web editing page.. they had a whole set of default photos you could use to spruce up your site apparently.. Female Boss chose a night time skyline picture of some random city.. ocean, bridge.. all that. I don't know my skylines so I couldn't elaborate on how far off she was regarding the whole thing, but Female Boss put a caption under the photo and put "Los Angeles at night, this is how we live."

Upon sending the site to clients, and of course, friends and family I was met with a lot of snickering and "its nice" by the typical pussy ass egg shell walkers that I would expect. I mean why be honest when you can lie and come off as nice. Fuckin idiots. Tho I did get a couple guys really laughing at it. Some guys asking if this was really our "business" website. I would just answer yes with a big grin on my face.

The most notable call back was when Female Boss' brother called and started bitching at her for calling that photo the Los Angeles skyline. Per his criticism, he told Female Boss that "everyone would think that she had no clue what she was talking about" if he kept that caption there. What I find funny is that Brother believes that is the barometer for her lack of smarts.. nothing else this blog would point to. Ahhh, I need more days like these..

Recent Happenings

2007-12-12T08:50:00.000-08:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I have quite a few very short stories here that have been piling up that really don't relate to anything monumental. I usually save these on the side in hopes that things snowball into something greater but nothing seems to be happening in these departments anymore. So I'll take the day to bang out a few stupid plots that have failed to go anywhere.

First Happening:The first one is a new behavior Pigfoot has been picking up on. In short, whenever I go over to see the dogs they all do the typical dog thing and welcome you with wagging tails. However, as of late, Mr. Foot has been doing his best to make sure that I greet him first. Typically its just Puppy and Pigfoot that come running while The One goes over his Female Boss complex before reassuring himself that its okay to acknowledge someone else's existence.

So the way it goes down is Pigfoot and Puppy race to get to me first. Since Puppy is quicker than Pigfoot, cuz he's fat, he has come up with a tactic to counter her speed with brawn. As Puppy begins to slow down, Pigfoot speeds up and jumps paws first at her. This results in him shoving the shit out of Puppy and she tucks tail and literally gets in line behind him. It was a pretty interesting thing to see unfold the first time and sure enuff its been happening with regularity.. not all the time but often enuff to put a grin on my face.

Next Happening: One of The Plastics purchased a shiny new kitten. Female Boss was on the phone with her just last week. They basically just called to give her the news. Female Boss asks what the name is.. turns out they haven't named it yet. So in proper Female Boss fashion she wants to lend a hand. I hear her saying "no" with that drawn out disappointed tone that she tends to have which translates to "only my answer is good." Her brilliant name is Matzo. Now some people pronounce this matsa, she pronounced it with a very hard O.. just sounded weird the way she was saying it. Then, to the best of my knowledge they answered how they weren't Jewish.

An offended Female Boss strikes back with, "You don't have to be Jewish! Where's your Christmas spirit!?"

Need I go on?

Last Happening: Some neighbor is having a movie shoot go on for the week at their house.. I imagine its porn. Notices are posted on the trees to let everyone know. Being the people watcher that she is, Female Boss is now spending more and more time outside in the front.. problem is the shooting doesn't start for a couple weeks from the time she started making her rounds.

A week goes by and she finally meets the neighbor that is having the crap done at their house. There is very little information that the neighbor offers up to Female Boss.. cuz its porn. After a few more days, Female Boss calls up Neighbor and lets her know that if they need a place to park they can use her driveway. The investment property has a pretty good size driveway with ample parking for about 8 cars and with construction going on at two neighborhood houses the parking on the street is pretty slim.

Female Boss' parking proposition comes at a cost of course and the Neighbor knows this but if they don't want to march for a half mile it may be in their best interest to take Female Boss up on her idea. The Neighbor lets her know that the studio is very pleased to here about her generosity and offers her 8 cars for $50 a day each. Female Boss tells me, I congratulate her. Two days drop off the calendar and she comes into the office very anxious. Finally she spills the beans.

"I don't think $50 is fair. I am going to tell her $100 per day."

I don't stop her. Female Boss delivers the rate negotiation to Neighbor. She is told that Neighbor will get back to her on Monday and that she should be at the office, that morning, just in case. Monday rolls around, Female Boss is bitching left and right about how she doesn't want anyone to park on her property. She starts talking about how she should be charging even more.

When noon thirty hits, it is apparent that no one is going to be using the driveway. Female Boss is livid, "Why has Neighbor not called!? Where are they!? She said they would be here!"

Female Boss makes a phone call to Neighbor. Neighbor explains that they did not want to pay that much for the parking and they worked out a busing solution. Female Boss puts on her best bartering dashiki, "Well we can charge 'em like $30 a day if they want, I could really use the extra money."

Neighbor tells her that everything is arranged and taken care of but thanks her for her offer. When Female Boss hangs up with Neighbor, she is completely offended. I am talking disgusted. She can't understand why they wouldn't use her driveway for such a good deal. Then, after all that stupidity of going back and forth on what she wants and for what price she says, "Well I guess its better this way, I didn't want anyone parking here anyway."

Now tell me there aren't several really stupid people fighting for control of her brain in there.

I'm a Helper

2007-12-10T14:33:00.001-08:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

If or when you have kids you'll better understand this. I guess you don't even need kids to relate. You just need to be that fed up with spoon feeding your brainless peers, inferiors or even superiors to get the gist of this. However, the way I look at it is trying to get a young person to figure out the answer by themselves. All that is required is a gentle nudging in the right direction and their little eyes light up as the solution or whatever it is pops in their head. Its a win win cuz they learn and you don't have to go about wasting much time trying to explain something that you already find pretty simple to begin with.

I have taken this approach with Female Boss a couple times with disastrous result. There is nothing in her poor brain that can click. Nothing that can muster the power of logic and make her feel good about herself, on her own.. with or without help from outsiders. Well, enough about that, gather around and I'll tell you a tale.

I had a great opportunity not too long ago to assist Female Boss in a little brain work. I was in the kitchen grabbing a drink and the phone began to ring. I have no phone in there with me so Female Boss is gonna have to answer it. Clearly, life couldn't be that easy.

Instead its, "XXX-XXX-XXXX... Who the hell is that?"

The phone is on its 4th ring and getting ready to be rocketed to voicemail if she doesn't grab it. Still ringing. Is she gonna answer that shit or is she awaiting a response from me?

The phone stops ringing. Female Boss never picked it up. Jeezus, what a reject. I decide that I am going to extend my break and have a snack. I stay in the kitchen. A few moments later the phone rings again.

"Same number. Who the fuck is calling?"

I decide to give Female Boss an answer, "No clue."

"Well, I'm not getting it."

"Heh, you're not gonna answer?"

"Nope."

Great. Why answer your own question by figuring it out yourself? Why would you do that? That would make sense and that has no place within these walls. My threshold for such stupidity is non-existent yet somehow while I am at work I can grin and bear it, I guess its bcuz I know the situation will continue to revisit and revisit and revisit until there is some sort of satisfaction. The gods deliver no longer than a minute later. Ringy ding ding, grab the fuckin phone you idiot.

"Its them again. Do you know who it is?"

Hmm, in the last 60 seconds I gave a fuck enuff to browse my memory to set your fuckin nerves free from being hassled. I don't think so. Try answering the phone your damn self. The phone call again goes to voicemail. So dumb.

Less then 10 seconds go by this time. *Ring*

"They're calling again!"

"You gonna grab it?" I ask.

"No, I'm not answering it!" she says with her arms crossed and staring at the phone.

You have to understand when the dumb don't understand something they lash out against it in one form or another, be it thru fear or anger. Female Boss has taken the anger route. This phone caller is becoming a threat and she is taking it personal now.

I have finished what I was doing in the kitchen and I head back to my seat. Amazing, the phone is ringing again. Oh, and looky here, same number! Couldn't have guessed that was coming.

"Do you want to answer it to solve the mystery or is the pleasure all mine?" I ask.

"I'm not picking it up," answers Female Boss with a salty look on her face.

I grab the phone. Mystery solved, "Female Boss, your best friend is on the line."

"Oh yeah!!! I thought I knew that number!"

Hey I tried to help the clown. I tried to coax her into falling into the tiger trap of answering the phone but the conversation blasts off into the ether and nothing that would transpire between normal humans takes place. When Female Boss got on the line with her best friend, it was as if her brain was properly supplied with oxygen the entire time.. likely priming the gears for a good talk about keeping eggs warm.. totally amazing to me. This woman calls about 10 times a week and she doesn't recognize the phone number instantly? Who's up for a neck stabbing?

Female Boss Shorts 11

2007-12-07T08:50:00.001-08:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Oh yeah, have another dose!

Scenario #1: The other day Female Boss asks me, "Is it gonna rain?"

I check the forecast, "Nope, no rain. The weather is just gonna stay cool."

A good 5 minutes later, "Is it gonna warm up?"

At first I don't answer but the burrowing parasites keep stimulating the same section of her brain, "Northe? Did they say if it was gonna warm up?"

Deep breath, "Nope.."

"Oh and you believe them?"

Aaaaa.. ha ha.. aaaah.. ha ha ha.. oh.. ha... She must have been waiting to drop that funny one. How do I figure that it was a joke? Cuz she did one of those pbbt sounds by pressing her lips together trying to hold in her laughter. Yeah, good one.

Scenario #2: Here's a brain teaser. We have several lines here in the office. Female Boss uses different lines to dial out a lot of the time. In other words, she'll just randomly push a line # and start dialing, whether it be line 1, 2 or 3. Whatever.

So lately, Female Boss has been the main character in this ludicrous saga where she has no concept on how telephones work. Here's a typical example. She makes the phone call to the person. The person calls back. The phone line ringing isn't the default line 1, its the line she called from. I answer the phone, tell her that So-and-so is on line whatever and it starts..

"How'd they get on that line!?"

I never answer her. There's literally no reason why I should have to waste my time and breath on such stupidity. Like all things at Angry Time the situation has begun to snowball. Now it goes something like this..

"Where are they getting this number???"

Female Boss answers the phone, "Why are you calling on this number? I don't think you guys have the right phone number in your database for us."

Then, just the other day, "Here let me give you the right number to call..."

Followed by Female Boss refusing to talk to them on that line, hanging up and them having to call back. It was pretty much the last straw for this person so they told her why the fuck they called on that line. I could practically see that dim bulb appearing over her head as she realized how easy that it is to figure out. Fuckin idiot. Of course after the phone call I get hit with, "Northe! Its bcuz of caller ID!"

What a time to be alive..

40 Days in a Month

2007-12-05T09:25:00.002-08:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Oh Female Boss, you are truly a miracle of science. Oh! So one of The Plastic's husbands went under the knife to repair his ticker. The surgery was a success and this fine gentleman is recuperating without any problems thus far. Female Boss followed up bi-weekly with them to keep tabs on any needs they may have had and for her own peace of mind. Good friend, just dumb.

After a conversation with The Plastic, Female Boss hangs up and starts giving me the scoop as if I asked and as if I was at all interested. Hey lady I'm working here, and no I don't care. Sorry, I don't. Fuck you if that's a problem, I have my own shit to deal with. During her insipid monologue, Female Boss does a little flexing of her perception muscles and demonstrates to me how well she understands the Gregorian Calendar.

"Well anyway, he's doing just fine. Which is great news. Hmm, let me see.. he had his surgery on July 19th, right? Annnnnndddd todaaayyyyyy is, ah! August 27th! Wow! Pretty soon it will be a whole month and the man is doing great!"

I drop a condescending, "Yeah, its only been a few weeks."

Like a moronic mackerel (cmon HMT, what ever happened to the Fish Game?), Female Boss takes the bait and swims away with it.

"Well yeah, but it hasn't even been a month yet!"

You know, you'd think that Female Boss might be able to just do some quick arithmetic in her head. Not even arithmetic, you'd think that when she flipped thru her calendar she might have noticed skipping thru like 5 or 6 lines of weeks before speaking. All it would take is counting. Counting! Of course not. Sometimes she makes it too easy to get the type of response I am looking for..

Female Boss Shorts 10

2007-12-04T08:53:00.001-08:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Jeez, over the last few days I have really been dumping out the Female Boss Shorts. I will have another update with another set of stories before the week is up too. She just never has a dull week. No one here would have it any other way I'm sure.

Scenario #1: This first one was during one of Female Boss' short lived phases. She was in one of those moods where she was taking no guff. All day she was just bitter at about everything; however, the one thing that stood out that day was when she was on the phone with some client and said client brought on one of their clients to complain to Female Boss about their experience dealing with her. Needless to say she was caught off guard, embarrassed and pissed. To deal with her frustration Female Boss had some scathing words to say to the poor, helpless base of her phone, "Great! You fuck! Great! (Changing her voice to emulate someone with a speech impediment now) Oh, hi my name is Jack and I had some concerns (Angrier now) about how stupid you are! (Switching to stern) I bet your last name is Jack Fuck! (Trailing off into mumbling) Writing it down as Fuck, Jack on resumes."

Scenario #2: After receiving some in-mails about how horses are killed in the United States, Female Boss has gone on a short-lived PETA kick. Everything is oppressed, the world is caving in, severe depression.. the life of so many idiots in this world.. I am sure you know the type. In her newfound world view that lasted all of 4 days, Female Boss made the decision to let Demonseed "roam free" as she says. No more cage for the bird. Sounds good to me. Let's go over how it played out.

Day 1: Two rolls of paper towels and her kitchen towel shredded.

Day 2: In the night, Demonseed found interest in all 4 of the pillows on the couch, not the cushions. Too bad the couch stayed intact.

Day 3: Female Boss finds herself cleaning up and complaining about bird shit "hiding everywhere."

Day 4: On Demonseed's final day of freedom the hose of the vacuum was split in two by one powerful beak. The cord was also frayed in three places.

Expensive lesson. So much for that idea, brainiac.

Muttonhead Sangwich

2007-12-03T09:03:00.001-08:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

What'dya know we're having another meltdown in the office and I am caught between this boisterous, travesty of a baboon and the vacuous mind of a mentally defunct banana slug. Male Boss calls me up from his car and is going ape tits. He is repeating himself over and over again.. some shit that, first of all, I can hardly understand and, second of all, I definitely have no clue what the fuck he's talking about. As his voice gets louder and the crisis seems to be getting crazier in mind of Male Boss, being that its already his 3rd phone call in no more than 10 minutes, Female Boss is completely unaware of it all.

Once Male Boss gathers what's left of his wits (read as: phone call #4), he starts to demand to speak with Female Boss. Oh, by the way, reason why Female boss is oblivious to whats going on is cuz she's on the damn phone with one of her reject Plastic friends. I have no clue what the hell she's talking about as I have only been able to listen to the rantings of Male Boss' best impersonation of a schizophrenic vagabond the whole time. With the tepid thought process of Male Boss slowly infecting my brain, I attempt to disrupt Female Boss' conversation and tell her that Male Boss is desperate to speak with her. My request is met with outright refusal. Of course, why would it be anything different in this shitfest? I unclick the hold button and deliver the news.

His response is, "Fuck her." *click*

Another phone call comes in sooner than I can let an exaggerated sigh to get as much dumb outta my lungs that I may have accidentally inhaled. Hey, guess what, he wants to speak with Female Boss. I place him on hold, interrupt Female Boss and before I can get out his full name Female Boss is shaking her head adamantly. I give him my best narration on the latest and he hangs up extremely pissed.

Again, call back. Again, no dice. Again, hang up.

Here we go once more, only this time Male Boss is fed up, "Tell her I am coming home to kick her ass!" *click*

Knowing that this could very well be the highlight of the last fortnight, I don't exactly follow thru with his request. In fact, I don't think I said a fucking thing to Female Boss. Whoops. Oh well, I figure that in my absentmindedness things will go much better if its a surprise anyway. Its fun to play god in this demented universe.

The final time he calls, Male Boss is only a few minutes away. I go ahead with the same song and dance of trying to get Female Boss on the phone for him. This time, Female Boss gives me a bit of a rant about she is having an important conversation and whatever the fuck it is, "it can wait." I am sure to give Male Boss the message. He's about as bent as I have ever heard him. Only profanity seems to be able to escape his mouth and that itchy trigger finger keeps hanging up before he can finish a sentence. Oh well.

So as soon as I set the phone down and focus in on Female Boss' conversation the first words I hear outta her whore mouth are, "So they take the egg and sit on it to keep it warm! Yes! I know!"

These words were emphasized as if she was reporting that the cure for cancer had been found. Good thing Male Boss has been completely blown off for that profound exchange. I do regret to report that the disappointing part of the story is the ending. It was really nothing at all. Turns out Male Boss was just being a dramatic bitch. Its all too ridiculous either way.

Female Boss Shorts 9

2007-11-30T08:02:00.003-08:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Scenario #1: The Gardener has gone back to Mehico, or wherever Jews are from (see Scenario #2), for a one month. Since Female Boss is very dependent on his services she is becoming quite stressed out. I'll take another second to remind you that the property is tiny which puts Female Boss' overwhelming feeling of distress into prespecteev.

Lemme break it down for you. Female Boss' stress amounts to this quite literally: weeding a couple flower beds and mowing the lawn.. once at the very most for each job. Now that we are in a clear understanding for DefCon 4, Female Boss takes the necessary precautions. She heads to the local hardware store and comes back equipped for her month long standoff with the yard.

Female Boss' purchases include: a new spade, bcuz according to her the other one she bought last year "doesn't work right," whatever that means.. Next, a 50 count box of 33 gallon black garbage bags.. 33 gallon.. 50 of em.. 50. A pick axe to "turn up the soil even tho 98% of the property is lawn. Grass shears, in case the lawn mower "slows her down." Lastly, a new pair of gardening gloves for, and I swear to you this is what she said, "to combat her allergies." Wow..

Scenario #2: With Turkey Day looming back at the time this tale was in the making, I can't help but be reminded of another one of Male Boss' finest moments that you will find here (First Scenario). What sparked this thought? Female Boss is rambling on and on about Thanksgiving for some reason. Somewhere along the lines of her nonsensical string of half-thoughts and burps, she starts complaining about Turkey Day of all things! Lay off the feasting of tasty bird for crying out loud! Whore.

"I don't want to go to my family's! There always ends up being a fight. Then, my brother will make jokes about my pets and that they are a part of my "zoo" and worse yet, I am the zoo keeper!"

...

"I can't take it! I can't take it! I don't want to go!"

Yeah? Well what the fuck do you want me to do? Just shut up already..

As I keep my mouth shut, Female Boss doesn't drop more gems like I had hoped for. Instead her train of thought changes, as is the way of a brain lacking that ever so vital oxygen supply. Basically she starts talking about her plans for the weekend. Involving going to her family's house.. christ. Glad you spent the last 15 minutes bitching about it only to rejoice in the fact that you are still gonna go. Female Boss switches topics yet again to dig deep and pull out some Nostradamus-like foresight.

"I think a lot of ppl are gonna be cooking for Thanksgiving this year."

No shit? Wait a second, no way! People cooking for Thanksgiving.. that's just dumb. We all go out to dinner at Bunboy like her family I am guessing?

Mistakes of the Past 2

2007-11-29T13:03:00.001-08:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Yesterday left you with a classic Male Boss scenario. His arrogance has proven to get the best of him and his comeuppence draws nigh. When we came into work after the weekend neither of us were prepared for what greeted us.

That Monday morning the investment property was a complete disaster. The house was slathered from the windows to the wall in a fine slick of dog shit. It was as if a kindergarten class came over and had a finger painting party. I follow close behind Male Boss, the second the dogs see me they charge me happily to say hello. I stomped my foot as hard as I could and told them to back the fuck up.

Of course they are too stupid to understand my disgust in them but Lord knows their paws are carrying a cocktail of bacteria in the form of dry, caked on shit accented with the fresh wet shit from that very morning. No thanks, assholes. Male Boss was petrified, I really don't think he could believe his own eyes. He stood there, the dogs bounced to and fro off of him mucking up the front and back of his jeans. He does nothing at first, then expresses how furious he is with himself.

"I fucked up, Northe. I really fucked this up this time. I didn't think and I fucked the shit up."

I gave him the ol' grin followed up by an, "I told you so."

Male Boss didn't even acknowledge me. He started gathering all the stacks of napkins from his various fast food trips he could find. I tip toed thru the mine field in the kitchen, grabbed the roll of paper towels and tossed it to him. Knowing that it wouldn't be enuff to do the job, I gave him a heads up.

"Hey, Male Boss, I'm gonna head to the store and grab you a 3 pack of paper towels."

I needed to get the hell outta there. I spent a good hour away from work and came back to spy a beautiful scene unfold. The door was slightly ajar when I came back, a black plastic trash bag with the ends tied in a knot lay at the front step. Knowing what it was full of, I nudged it aside and slowly poked my head into the house.

There it was, Male Boss down on his hands and knees. He fashioned knee pads out of napkins that didn't do as good a job as he had hoped. With one napkin in hand, Male Boss was picking at wads of doo. Every now and then he would do the swirly scoop smear that would only make it harder to come clean. All the while the dogs are playing in circles around him and putting their faces right in his.

After a few seconds of watching, Male Boss reaches his breaking point. With poo clasped in napkined hand, he goes from dog to dog shaking the it and shoving it in their faces, "Huh? You wanna smell it!"

Male Boss' eyes are wide and look almost bloodshot. His hair is all frazzled and he breathes only thru his mouth making him sound much more hilarious than usual, "You wanna smell your own shit!?"

He lunges at them angrily and sadly enuff the dogs are so confused with the situation they keep coming back to him wondering what exactly is in his hand and if he's offering it up to them. This is only pissing Male Boss off more so, "Get the fuck outta here!"

They come back for more. The One gets a little too close and faces the wrath, "You want to taste it you son of a bitch!? Huh? Taste it!"

Male Boss shoves the open faced napkin into The One's snout, "Fucking taste it! You like it you mother fucking ass!?"

I am just standing in the doorway, holding back the tears of laughter as best I can. After Male Boss had lashed out at the pups, Male Boss' demeanor changes. Maybe he felt bad, I don't know. His speech and behavior were as indecipherable as his usual speech.

"That's it. You're all just dogs. All of you, just fucking dogs. That's it."

Mistakes of the Past

2007-11-28T08:58:00.001-08:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

During the time this story was going on Female Boss was taking more vacations than a popular politician. Over a two month period she was gone for 24 work days. Upon her latest return, a Wednesday, she told Male Boss that she was going to leave again for the weekend. In Female Boss speak "for the weekend" meant that she would be leaving early today and we weren't likely to see her until Tuesday. Within her pep talk about the joys of travel Female Boss decided to drop a bombshell on Male Boss.. it would be another go at Female Boss handing the reigns over to Male Boss in regards to taking care of the pups.

Male Boss began with his usual protesting. Female Boss was not trying to hear a thing. Male Boss even brought up the fact that in the past he has been a terrible failure and how he resents having to take care of "those fucking dogs." Female Boss starts up on the "I am under so much stress" speech and wins the argument. It doesn't shock me one bit that Male Boss doesn't have the mental dexterity to bring up the fact that she has taken tons of vacation time lately. Instead, Male Boss folds up like a whimpering bitch and Female Boss rightfully wins the debate.

Thursday morning Male Boss comes into the office with all the dogs. He walks into the office with all the dogs with harnessed and leashed up and a face full of shame. I start laughing at him, Male Boss' head sinks to the floor, "Oh you think this is funny? Look at me, Northe!"

I continue to laugh and shake my head at him. To my delight the mocking inspires Male Boss. It is he that will have the last laugh.

"Fuck it, Northe. You know what I am going to do? Leaving the fucking dogs right here! Right fucking here!"

Rough translation means that he is not going to take the dogs back home with him. He wants to just leave em here at the investment property essentially relinquishing him from all responsibility..

I toss him a logical question, "Are you going to come back and feed them and give them water over the weekend?"

I am met with the answer from my wildest dreams, "Hell no! Fuck these fucking dogs! Going to put out the bowls of food and water and thats it."

"What about their shit?" I ask.

Male Boss believes that it is in his best interest to let all the shit pile up and clean it up in one fell swoop on Monday. I remind him of his folly of the past, that worse things can potentially happen. Male Boss laughs in the face of death by not taking heed to my words and blows off my warnings without hesitation.

Sidebar: Gonna have to break this into two stories. I have been slacking on finishing up a bunch of different stories here so if I get something out it will motivate me to finish this up tonight when I get home. Tomorrow's update will conclude the story.

We Have A Visitor

2007-11-15T09:16:00.001-08:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Imagine the joy in my heart when I found out that Padre was sending over a friend from overseas, another priest so you know, to stay at the investment property for a couple of days. This was a brand new shot at someone else's personal Vietnam to take place here at the office. The smile on my face was not like one of those jovial kid in the candy store type deals, its more like the sinister smile of a sniper before he squeezes off a kill thats been a long time coming.

Rejuvenated with the news, I asked when this would be. The victim was gonna be here on Thursday and then stay the weekend, most of his time would obviously be at the investment property alone but it gave me two days of some great potential. Not the best case scenario but good enuff. The week before fell off the calendar and arrival time came.

He was a portly gent, not very nice and seemed to me that the good Lord blessed him with an extremely severe case of gum disease that stopped me from even shaking his hand. It was frikkin disgusting. It looked like it hurt to smile.. it was like a coked out angel stole God's product and hammered pieces of chipped teeth into his gums. Apparently no one showed this idiot what a toothbrush or floss was in his 60+ years on this here Earth to boot. According to my calculations the only thing that can save this guy's mouth at this point would be some sort of chisel set and enuff porcelain to construct a bidet. Then maybe pickup a set of donated horse gums to replace the red, irritated and decaying human set he has. Even then, you'd still have to tackle the halitosis problem.

As one can deduce, his overwhelming repugnance set off the 21 gun salute welcome that the dogs give off to any and all guests of honor at the investment property. Lucky for this jackass, they were all present and about as loud as you can possibly imagine. Before long his ears were ringing to the point where he can no longer hear a lot of the frequencies he once enjoyed. Good enuff, as the only person worth speaking to in the office wasn't going to be saying anything to him anyway.. so you know, that person would be me.

The best part about the whole thing is that Female Boss is doing her usual song and dance about how this is so uncharacteristic of the dogs followed by her making shushing sounds that are all but drowned out completely in the noise. Female Boss takes GumDisease to the back room and shows him where he will be staying, silence takes the room back, not a peep from the dogs. When she comes back in with GumDisease, it starts all over again as if these were GumDisease's initial seconds of entry.

The tour continues to the office, where I am now seated. Demonseed's cage is in the room with me as well. As soon as Demonseed sees GumDisease she starts going completely ballistic. She couldn't quite see GumDisease when he walked in so she had only been flying back and forth across her cage trying to sneak a peak. Now that she has seen the infiltrator she greets him like only Demonseed can. Her screeching is insane. I'm talking painful. Its like a very fine laser beam passing right thru your brain over and over again. The good news is through many hours of training I am able to find it hysterical bcuz the chaos only makes for a more interesting story for Angry Time.

Female Boss is starting to fidget and bob and weave. She knows she looks like an idiot and GumDisease is really getting pissy. GumDisease puts his hands on top of his head and leaves them there.

"Good heavens that bird!" yelps GumDisease.

"Oh, nooo. She's a good bird. Right, Northe?" pleads Female Boss.

The beauty of stupid questions and ambient noise is that you can pretend that you never heard them.

"Yeah, see she's a good bird," says Female Boss to Demonseed as she clutches the side of the cage with her talons screaming right in her face.

"Quiet!" screams Female Boss back at the bird.

Even though it was probably the loudest I have ever heard her scream its as if she was whispering. The sound is becoming deafening, GumDisease is in complete shock staring at her with his hands still on his head wondering what the hell Jesus would do.. I am guessing. Unfortunately, GumDisease doesn't have the answer in any handbook and stands frozen, mouth wide open and the blood rushing to his head.

So Female Boss starts up something new, "La la la la la."

Female Boss' singing seems to be working. Slowly, the dogs cease their barking one by one after some time. Demonseed is down to a mere caw and all is becoming right in the world again. Still nervous with hand shaking from the embarrassment, Female Boss turns around to face GumDisease.

She sees how completely appalled GumDisease is. Trying to lighten the mood, Female Boss jokingly says, "I take it you are dying to hold the bird."

GumDisease is not amused, "That bird is not my responsibility."

His stare is about as cold as a witch's teet. There is no sarcasm. There is no joy. There is no light in his eye, only despair. In the first 15 minutes of being here, GumDisease has already outlived his stay. He did not spend the night at the investment property. He did not even stay a couple hours. In fact, Female Boss told me the next day that he never unpacked his things and left to a local motel in a cab about 30 minutes after I left. GumDisease was such a pissed off customer that when Female Boss insisted that she drive him to the motel he wouldn't even accept it. Phenomenal.

Quality Time With Male Boss

2007-11-12T09:43:00.000-08:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

It was getting toward the end of a long day. Female Boss and Male Boss are in their typical cerebral bitchfest complaining about this, that and the other. I make sure to immerse myself in some kind of radio topic drowning out their pathetic sparring session. For once, I am pretty upset I was doing my best not to pay attention bcuz Male Boss and I shared a moment not much later.

Still completely into my sports radio talk, I can hear the dyspeptic rumble of idiocy dying down. Female Boss leaves in a shitty mood, as usual. I still have another 20 minutes left on the clock before I can escape my temporary damnation cuz Male Boss is still floating around somewhere in the kitchen. If he'd just leave I'd leave a minute or two later and all is right in the world again.

Instead, Male Boss comes in with two tumblers with a bit of scotch in each.

"This one's on me, Northe."

I take my glass and raise it to him. We sip a bit in silence and he starts up the conversation, "You and me. We got lucky, Northe."

After a bit of silent and another swig of scotch I ask him, "Why's that?"

"God didn't make us born the womens."

We share a laugh, raise our glasses again and take our last sips.

"Female Boss is one fucked up broad."

I can't argue so I swirl a bit and take down my last drop.

Male Boss gets up and instructs me that its time to go home. He turns off the lights in the office and closes up shop for the evening. I take his glass and take em to the kitchen to rinse em out.

"We got some fucking luck, right?" asks Male Boss.

I look up from the sink ringing my hands of the water on em, "I suppose we do."

As we leave the investment property and he locks up the door behind us he leaves me with this, "Yes my friend, we got some fucking luck.. not to be that shit."

Here's to not being that shit, friends.

Dunkirt Revisited

2007-11-09T10:46:00.001-08:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Re-read me. At minimum, re-familiarize yourself. Things haven't been getting any better. Dunkirt's new friends are now known as "The Flies That Go Thru and In" in many friendly circles to Angry Time now and said flies continue to make sweet love within the anal cavity of this frikkin pig. It hasn't just stayed the same either, its getting worse.

Day by day, I have noticed the increasing swarm of flies around this fat fuck. Useless lump that he is, Dunkirt just lays there enjoying the delicate tickle that the flies offer him. Female Boss is beside herself bcuz every day Male Boss makes a comment about the disgusting situation. Its become so bad that if Dunkirt is laying there and you walk by him a fleet of flies leap up from all over the place.. its insane. So Female Boss has come up with a few solutions, if they will work only time will tell.

Her first idea was to buy this crap. Its this thick, opaque salve that I pray she isn't rubbing "thru and in" on ye ol' pig but I can't confirm. However, at first I didn't know that this crap was a salve. I just saw the container. All I know is when Female Boss brought it to work she opened it and just placed it where the pig spends most of its time sideways and conjuring up more stink. For a couple days there, I didn't notice the pig being swarmed. I figured maybe the crap worked like one of those insect candles or some such. Turns out I was wrong.

After that weekend, the lid was still off the Flys-Off and the flies were back to continue their expedition of going thru and in. During the course of the week it became so bad that Dunkirt was found trying to snap at the flies and even squealing in frustration. Perhaps his nether regions have grown raw and sensitive.. mmm, good visual. Male Boss didn't give a fuck anymore, his comments had now ceased but Female Boss was determined to stop the infestation.

Her next tactic was to "tent" the sleeping quarters of Dunkirt. Female Boss is making Dunkirt sleep within his makeshift tent and continuing to place the salve right next to it. I think its working better as there aren't near as many flies but there are flies still about. The more disturbing part of this tale is the final and most desperate measure, I believe, Female Boss has taken.

The other morning I noticed finger dents and smearsmear marks within the jar of salve. Taken aback by this, I peered down to read the directions. Turns out you want to rub the crap within wounds and shit like that. Thing is, Dunkirt doesn't have any wounds but according to Male Boss he has an orifice that doubles as a condo. I hate to take your minds down that path but I gotta tell ya it may be true. I don't know for sure tho. I just hope that Female Boss isn't that crazy to apply cream upon, within and around the thru and in entrance for the flies.

Boss Warfare 7

2007-11-07T08:05:00.001-08:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Scenario #1: Male Boss is shockingly in the sitting room doing nothing at all. Female Boss and I are in the office area. I can only vouch for myself when I say "we" are working. Chances are Female Boss is trying to figure out how to open a file on her computer.. something she forgets fairly often how to do.

Once Female Boss' brain hiccups her back to a somewhat functional human being she notices Puppy is with Male Boss on the couch.

"What are you doing, Puppy?"

"I'm watching my stories. Leave me the hell alone. I'm with the dog."

Female Boss turns red in the face.

"I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to Puppy, you idiot!"

"If I'm the idiot you tell me what Puppy says."

Female Boss is silent, what can she say?

"You see? You see how dumb you are? Asks the dog the question and mad on me for answering. You wouldn't hear shit! The dogs don't talk, stop asking questions and stop wasting my stories!"

Scenario #2: Female Boss is on the line with her brother. Its the usual crap they talk about.. summed up in a word - nothing. They don't talk about shit important. They don't talk about events, music, movies, shows.. anything. Usually she just asks if he received an in-mail or something or why he didn't reply or who should she forward the in-mail to, or if he forwarded it to anyone. Drives me fuckin nuts.

So while Female Boss is on the line with him, Male Boss is in the kitchen with The One. He is making a bit of a racket which usually means that he is looking for a treat to give The One. Female Boss realizes this. She made it fairly clear that she didn't want The One getting any treats during the day anymore cuz when she takes him home he doesn't eat dinner. Rather than reiterating this to Male Boss she goes a different route.

"Male Boss, can you bring The One in here for me?"

Male Boss doesn't answer. Female Boss repeats herself. Still no answer.

As Male Boss is turning the corner with The One in his arms, Female Boss is beginning her whining to her brother, "Sorry Brother, but I apparently am not allowed to talk on the phone right now. I am so sorry, Male Boss says that I can't talk on the phone. Uh huh, yeah, I am so sorry, nothing is important but doing work here so I have to go now."

Female Boss hangs up the phone.

Male Boss gets angry, "Why the fuck you tell him like that? What the fuck? What the fuck you doing?"

"You can't do a simple thing that I ask of you," she yells at him.

"What the fuck? You blinded? I have the fucking dog here. Fucking take him. Stupid, stupid. Fuck! Don't do that again. You fucking lie on me to your brother. I don't like that shit!"

"Then do what I ask and I won't."

"Fucking crazy woman! I bring you the dog! Its here! You have it! Don't lie on me again! EVER!"

Its maddening. I don't know where Female Boss gets off doing shit like that. I don't know what her deal is. She's simply insane and poor Male Boss has to deal with her wrath. I wouldn't know what to do if she ever tried pulling shit like that on me.

"It looka like a man."

2007-11-05T10:35:00.001-08:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

We've all seen that sketch that got old after the first 25 seconds on Mad TV haven't we? Oh well, who cares. Its really not that important. However, it does shed some light on how brazenly stupid Male Boss remains. There is no need for me to re-link you guys the myriad of stories about how Male Boss is all but hopeless when it comes to computers so you're gonna have to go back and refresh yourself with terms like "in-mail" on your own time.

A while back I showed Male Boss how to set up some basic computer bullshit. He asked a bunch of stupid questions while I was doing it and then would repeat aloud what I was doing. For example, taking a cord and plugging it into the back of the computer he would say, "Yeah, go ahead and take that and plug it right there," while I'm doing it! Pretty fuckin annoying, lemme tell ya. I tried to teach him anything but Male Boss is the type of guy that doesn't have the patience to learn anything new and once sees it, thinks he is a know-it-all. I could really care less, its when he bugs me on the weekend to try and figure out shit that I couldn't decipher to save my family.

I remember getting a voicemail over this one weekend. It was Male Boss, calling from his cell phone from a friend's house. They were trying to set up the guy's new computer. Somehow, they got the computer up and running but when it came to the peripherals they started coming across snags. The voicemail was half in english and the other half in the beautiful, angry barks that is his native language.

What stuck out most in my mind is, "We have the cable with the man on it. We want to know where it needs to be plugged. Looks like a man, I don't know. Where do we put?"

Next voicemail message was him again, Male Boss kept repeating himself, the same shit, while talking to the guy that was with him. Both messages were a good 2 minutes. I had no clue what the poor guy was talking about at all. After shaving another 2 hours off the clock in the hopes that he would no longer be at his friend's house I called him back. Thankfully he didn't answer his cell so I just left him a message that I'll see if I can figure it out come Monday.

On Monday, he presented me with the problem. He drew a sketch of a stick figure. I asked him what it was. Male Boss insisted it was the symbol on the cord and they had no clue what it meant.

"What means that? Looks like the man, right?"

I affirmed that yes, that drawing does look like a man but I have never seen anything like that before on a computer part. After a few frustrating minutes Male Boss calls his friend up. Thank god the fucker spoke good english. He told me that it was his printer. They had the old-school fatty cable that his computer didn't have and then there was the second cable to connect to the computer.

"The USB cable?" I asked.

The guy had no clue what I meant, so I put him on hold. I went to our printer and pulled out the USB cable.

"Is this what it looks like?" I asked Male Boss.

"Yeah, pretty thin like that."

"Has to be the USB cable then," I told him.

"What about the man then?" he asked me.

Having no fucking clue what he was talking about I gave the cable a closer inspection. No fuckin way. This couldn't possibly be. I lifted the end of the cable to Male Boss' eye level, "This it?"

"Yes! That's the man! What's fucking means that!?"

"That is USB symbol, Male Boss. Its not a man."

You know what it looks like? Here take a look. Rotate it in your head so that the circle is at the top.. I guess thats the head. Just like a man right? Fuckin unreal. Rather than the conversation ending with Male Boss' strangulation with a USB cable it ended with..

"To me looks like a man. That's the older people thinks. You see, you are young so you know. To me, looks like a man. Its a fucking man."

Dunkirt vs. The Professional

2007-11-02T09:27:00.001-07:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Go ahead and take some time to refresh yourself on what Dunkirt once was. The world was once this pig's oyster, he had it all. He was entertaining, energetic and most of all a pleasure to be around. Now that you remember young Dunkirt, lets continue to delve into what has become of this land cow.

The reason I link to you that particular post is to demonstrate that how some things at one stage in life are cute and how the exact same thing can eventually become just plain fuckin annoying. Over the months, Dunkirt's brain soaked in everything like a sponge. Female Boss rightfully was recognized as the general caretaker. I became, "morning banana peel guy" as I would give Dunkirt the pleasure of eating what I consider a portion of my daily waste, and The Professional became "the tag guy" to Mr. Kirt.

One thing was for sure, nothing made Dunkirt happier than seeing The Professional. If Dunkirt was in the right mood, as a burgeoning young adult pig, he would squeal and charge The Professional with wanton disregard. The poor guy was only hoping that The Professional would stick around and play tag with him. The problem is that as Dunkirt aged and grew the act went from playful tyke to a battering ram ripe to cause internal bleeding. This upset The Professional very much. Often he would scold Dunkirt when coming into the house or use his briefcase as a makeshift shield to fend off his foe. The Professional would act up the most if Female Boss wasn't around. He would curse at Dunkirt and scare him off. This turns out to be a bad move.

Now that Dunkirt is hulking house of flies, he has learned to hate his one time Huckleberry Friend. Nowadays, whenever The Professional comes to the house, it turns into a dangerous game of cat and mouse. The last time The Professional was at all amicable with Dunkirt he paid for it dearly. The way he tells the story is he was getting out of his car and Dunkirt was in the front putting around, per the norm. As The Professional approached the house Dunkirt slowly made his way over toward The Professional and as he turned his back on the pig, Dunkirt smashed his forehead into the side of his leg.

Needless to say The Professional came in ranting and screaming about "that fucking pig." To no one's surprise, Female Boss stepped in to her oblivious role of pet owner and refused to believe it was anything malicious or even something to be concerned about. Where have we seen this behavior before? Hmm..

So now, The Professional avoids Dunkirt at all costs. On weekday mornings I can look out the window and seeing him dodge from left to right and even leaping as he crosses the path of Dunkirt to get around him. When Dunkirt is blocking the front door, he'll use the side door. Anything to get away from him. When asked why he doesn't come in the front door by Female Boss, The Professional replies, "Tell me when you want to turn that pig into sausage and I will come in through the front door when that fucking guy is in my way."

I put my money on The Professional in anticipation of a good meal.

Female Boss Shorts 8

2007-10-29T10:32:00.001-07:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

After taking my summer break from Angry Time and starting to write up this duo of tales I had forgotten that I created a series of Female Boss Shorts.. then to find out that I am now on #8 for this series I am at the crossroads of whether or not that the number is becoming impressive or if I am way behind on schedule. This pair of stories are just as good as any. They continue to document that stupidity knows no bounds. Have at 'em.

Scenario #1: Female Boss is doing her best to fumble around on the internets. She comes across some website that sells shoes. I keep hearing her comment, "Oh that's cute. That one's cute. Oh wow, I love those."

The high pitched impressed tone she emits is starting to wear down my ability to ignore her for extended periods of time.. that and the fact that I really can't stand it when people talk out loud about shit that you can't see or don't care to see. Figuring I'd rather just get it over with now I ask, "What is it?"

"Oh! These shoes! They are SO CUTE," squeals Female Boss.

"You gonna buy em?"

"Absolutely, I just don't know how many pairs."

"Sounds good."

A couple quiet minutes later, disappointment has taken over Female Boss' annoyingly pleased mood. "Aww, Northe. These are baby shoes!"

I didn't even know what to say to that. Instead of having to come up with a stealthily demeaning yet witty comment, Female Boss takes it all one further.

"Well wait hold on a sec, let me check the sizes. Oh! Great. These are size 8B. I am size 8! I'm gonna order a pair and hope they fit."

Baby sized shoes. Its gotta be the same thing. I mean that "B" after the number couldn't possibly be some sort of sizing method especially for baby. No way. Female Boss scored some new shoes.... sigh..

Scenario #2: Female Boss has been having problems with the gardener she hired to tend to this investment property lately. Nothing new really. She is always dissatisfied about something the poor old guy is doing. There's really not much that has to be done to such a small property but rather than communicate what she wants done she tends to just air it out to me in hopes that the gardener will pick up her vibes thru ESP. Female Boss almost never tells the gardener what specifically she wants or what is bothering her about the job he does; therefore, nothing ever goes the way she wants leaving us with a perpetual complaint machine.

A few weeks back, the gardener starting bringing along his younger brother.. and by younger I mean about 45. I have spoken to these guys on occasion if I come to the house when they are outside and just say whats up. They speak Spanish and a good amount of English, too.

This is relevant bcuz Female Boss started on a rant the other day, "That stupid brother of his. I know he speaks English! I have seen him speak it to his brother! Then when I talk to him he stares at me like he has no clue what I am saying!"

Female Boss is pretty pissed so I laugh a bit to keep her going. She does.

"I mean come on.. these guys know English! They aren't even Mexican!"

This takes me by surprise bcuz I am pretty sure they are. You also have to understand that "Mexican" doesn't necessarily mean from Mexico out here. Just means they are likely from Central America, only in gardening terms do you hear the word Mexican tossed around rather than some other PC way to describe hispanic or what have you.

I question Female Boss, "Are you sure they aren't Mexican?"

"No! They're not Mexican. They're Jewish!"

I wanted to ask her what country that made them from but decided, instead, to say a prayer for the brain cells I lost in that skirmish and call it a day.

From Bad Taste to Worse

2007-09-14T09:59:00.001-07:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Seems to me that prolonged exposure to The Plastics has had some side effects on Female Boss I could have never imagined. Aside from the usual "your self-worth is defined by what you own" syndrome, it turns out that you can pick up on interests that are so bizarre that Male Boss won't even try to string together an incomprehensible sentence in attempts to criticize it. Really.. its crazy. So what is this new thing?

Well, let's see, I came in one Monday morning to see two brand new paintings hanging up in the investment property. The first I had the pleasure of being greeted by as I opened the door.. staring back at me on the wall facing the door was a nude painting of a woman. Nine times out of ten I would imagine this could be a pleasant surprise but my problem with the painting is that it wasn't very good. Odd colors, not a great rendition of a person and just a weird, lifeless pose. As fucked in the head that I am due to my exposure to intense gamma rays of dumbnity I still haven't grown that passion for necrophilia that this painting suggests it would have wanted. Feeling a bit disturbed, I did not tarry and took a few paces thru the hallway and stumbled upon the second. Over the television in the sitting room hung another nude painting. I am not sure if it is the same artist or not, I just knew that this one gave me the same sinking feeling.

When Female Boss came in she was beaming that afternoon I knew that she was going to make mention of the stupid paintings. I had to come up with something to answer her self-serving questions with. She entered the office and predictably the question came, "So, did you see the new paintings?"

Just from the sound of her voice I knew Female Boss was wearing one of those perked up looks on her face. That ear to ear grin that cries out for me to smack down to a self-loathing and pathetic stare yearning for my acceptance.. and I'll have you know that my research has shown that there's no better way to answer a potential conversation starting question with the obvious answer followed by nothing at all.. especially if you'd find that conversation about as interesting as taste testing urine samples at a hospital. Adding a dramatic effect, I pause for about three seconds before answering Female Boss' question.

My answer is simple and emotionless, "Yeah."

I can all but feel the change in the air flow of the room being sucked into her lungs begging for me to comment further. I don't. I know she is leaning in at me waiting for something more. Instead, I keep my back to her as I type away shunning her to the best of my ability. I can feel her eyes fixed on me but I do not crack. All that can be heard in the room is my keyboard clicking for a good while until she gives up and goes back to work.

As the days go by and I become accustomed to the paintings welcoming me when I come in. What's odd is that Male Boss is yet to comment at all. Female Boss had thrown out a few lines to get him to say anything but he has refused to take the bait. I had no clue this was bothering her so much until she kinda lost it. All three of us were in the office and it came outta no where.

"Why won't you tell me what you think of the paintings!?" snapped Female Boss.

I took the opportunity to get outta my seat and do some copies so I had a good view of the discussion but Male Boss ignored her. Female Boss wasn't going to let him off without a fight.

"Answer me!"

Male Boss shook his head and started laughing, "What? What you want me to say? Northe? You tell her."

"Oh, no! You can't bring him into this. Now you gotta tell me."

Male Boss just kept shaking his head and said nothing. Female Boss turned red in anger. The result of this incident weighed on her pretty heavily. Staying true to form as a wannabe Plastic, Female Boss needed outside approval to justify her existence. So apparently, later on that day, she took photos of the paintings and sent them around to her brother. Bad move. One thing about Female Boss' brother is that he is not one to be quiet about certain things. Namely when he doesn't like something he makes it quite clear. Female Boss shared with me his opinion on the, and I quote, "cheap attempt at being artsy" paintings. She read that to me that Thursday.. the next Monday was the show stopper.

I came into work to be greeted by my usual suiters, naked lady A and naked lady B, hi ladies. I went straight to my desk and right to work. Female Boss came in like 10 minutes later.

"Well? Did you see them?"

Thinking that I missed a new one, "What's that?"

Indeed, Female Boss informed me that I had missed a couple in the dining area. Female Boss promptly told me where I could gawk at them. I respectfully declined to act on the suggestion immediately.

"No, but you gotta see 'em!" she urged.

"Hmm, okay.."

Female Boss ushered me to her mini gallery in the dining room, "Well?"

They were different. Something was.. what the hell? The paintings were pierced with actual jewelry.. earrings and a belly button ring. I seriously had nothing to say. The only thing that would escape my mouth at that point would have been obscene and offensive. I buttoned up.

"Pretty cool, huh?"

So rather than actually answering her question I asked my own, "I have never seen paintings pierced with jewelry before. This is a new style?"

Female Boss started cackling it up, "No, silly! I did it!"

I remained clammed up. There's nothing I can do. I am frozen. I have visions of setting her on fire and using her as a torch to burn her pathetic attempts at exploring her "artsy" side. Thankfully, before my boiling point is reached, the soupy mass of brain in her head jumps to conclusions and saves me from really risking my employment by saying something untoward.

"I can't get enuff of that, Northe. I can't believe you think that I am an artist!"

Wait, what? How did that even happen? That giant leap bcuz I thought that her tacky alterations to an already terrible piece of artwork might have been all one original idea shat upon canvas by one colossal moron who thinks that this is somewhat resembling art? Excuse me for not realizing that two clods formed up like Voltron to create the most embarrassing thing I have ever seen hung on a wall!

Oh, and it didn't stop there. Then the phone calls went out to The Plastics. They all went something like this:

"Guess what? Northe thinks I am an artist."

So on and so forth. Think things can't get any more ridiculous? Think again. After making numerous phone calls Female Boss came up with an idea. The following Friday, and after purchasing a fifth painting, Female Boss had each one of her gals propped up around the house and displayed in new frames. They were all pierced.. some even had some glorious nipple piercings. Uh huh. Grand. Not to mention, classy. So why the display? Oh, well wouldn't you put them in brand new frames and placed strategically thru the house if you were going to feature them for an evening of wine and cheese tasting with The Plastics?

Just in case you were wondering. The following Monday I was not greeted by the house whores. As soon as Female Boss arrived at work I started asking 20 questions about the *ahem* art show. At first Female Boss said that everything went fine. Come to find out that everything going "fine" she was only talking about the wine and cheese portion of the affair. After further probing I find out that The Plastics couldn't say enuff negative things about the art and her "artistic" changes. Female Boss was so upset that she took them down and put them in the coat closet right here by the front door. Locked away to this day, I'll have you know.

Truth be told, I can't even fathom what Female Boss was thinking first of all. Maybe she thought that her take on art was going to be the next big craze? All this madness bcuz of something I said? Is she fucking nuts? This whole scenario was insane.. even for Angry Time. Not to mention what a waste of money this whole ordeal had to have been. Its all just so fucking stupid.

"That's the way the pig does."

2007-09-07T11:19:00.000-07:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I start writing this particular diddy with my back to a one Demonseed. Perhaps she knows that her day to day antics aren't worth her own stories anymore and in her jealousy of the fact that I am going to write up a tale about Dunkirt, she wants a cameo appearance on Angry Time. To earn this mentionable, Demonseed has her face plunged down thru the grating at the bottom of her cage along with her talons, realizing that they are not very well suited for picking up tiny objects. She reaches ever so vigorously, making a bit of noise but definitely drawing attention to herself. I stood up to see what the hell she was doing... Oh, that's nice. Demonseed is sifting thru her shit and eating something out of it.. she isn't eating it by the clump tho, she is taking the clump from the bottom of the cage, running her beak around it and only taking in select morsels. Pleasant..

On to Dunkirt! With my last post touching on the fact that I can't stand this pig much at all anymore, this one was the first incidents to take place that started to change my opinion of him even tho it is funnier than hell and didn't happen to me. Plain and simple, he isn't the cute little runt of a piglet that used to play tag with The Professional. What makes Dunkirt such an impressive adversary is that he is incredibly cunning. The level of intelligence displayed by this mother fucker makes him one scary son of a bitch. Let's explore.

Remember, Padre? I imagine you do. There are a few stories right around the time frame of 9/07/05 - 9/15/05 there with Padre making a guest appearance if you're interested. He has been in and out of this here place from time to time over the last couple years. His last visit was during the first part of the year. He stayed about 2 weeks again, at the investment property of course, and thankfully brought the good stuff back into the office.

Now, Padre hadn't seen super-sized Dunkirt for quite some time. He was shocked at how large he had become in so short a time. From time to time he would come into the office where I work and shoot the breeze with me about the pig and how much he enjoyed saying good morning to Dunkirt before his morning walk and giving him some food. Whatever makes the guy happy, sounds good to me.

The problem came about towards the end of his stay. The scene is set. Male Boss is laying across the couch in the sitting room watching TV. Padre is forced to sit on the ottoman cuz Male Boss doesn't like to share. Lunch time is approaching and Female Boss is the first to leave to go eat. I decide to wait for her to come back from lunch and I am rewarded.

On her way out the front door, Female Boss didn't shut the front door the entire way. The curious pig that Dunkirt is, he roots around the front door and pushes the thing open. At this point in time, no one knows that Dunkirt is inside the house. Its not that he is some sort of stealth farm animal or anything, its just that the TV is on. Of all things to be watching, Male Boss is watching one of those spanish soap operas.. just so you know.

Looking back this whole scenario took less than a minute, two tops. About 2 minutes after Female Boss leaves the whole ordeal is over. Ordeal? As soon as Dunkirt gets into the house, he sets his senses on Padre. Padre, again sitting on an ottoman, is just minding his own business. Out of no where, I hear Padre yell... well lets be honest here, I hear him scream. I lift off about 4 feet from my chair, Male Boss yells and I hear the grunting and squealing of Dunkirt.

I dart into the sitting room and see Padre in complete terror, shielding his face while still seated, as if someone was gonna throw a baseball at him. Male Boss is on his feet kicking and screaming at Dunkirt to, I quote, "Get the fuck outta here!" Oh and by the way, Padre is now shirtless. That's right. Dunkirt ripped the shirt right off this poor son of a bitch's back. I have no clue what the fuck happened at his point.

Once Dunkirt is subdued, Male Boss comes back into the house.

"Padre, Padre are you okay?"

Padre is very shaken up, he asks Male Boss for some water. Male Boss grabs him some water and hands it over to him. Male Boss starts giggling a little bit trying to lighten the mood and asks Padre, "What the hell happened?"

Padre looks up at him, still shaken up, "I don't know, I don't know what I did!"

"There has to be something," says Male Boss. "I have never seen him so angry before."

Padre starts going on with his usual speech about how much he loves Dunkirt. He talks about him as a piglet, how smart he is and of course how he likes to feed him in the morning before his walk. Male Boss probes further, "Oh? I didn't know you feed him, what have you been giving him in the morning."

Padre answers, "Well along my morning walk I found a lemon tree at one of your neighbor's houses. They said I can take as many as I want. So, I grab a couple each day, one for me and then one for Dunkirt in the morning."

Male Boss interrupts Padre, "Lemons? He hates lemons!"

After some critical thinking we figure out that this entire time Dunkirt has been eating Padre's lemons each morning, he has been secretly bubbling over with incredible rage. Each morning the pig is laying down and Padre leaves it there for him to eat. As Dunkirt is wrestling his immense girth off the ground and on to his tired hooves, Padre is already long gone. Indeed, the pig has been eating the lemons, but each lemon that went down that gullet of his has turned into a time bomb. The one opportunity Dunkirt had, while actually on his feet, he reacted and attacked Padre. I imagine that he could have done much worse than ripping Padre's shirt clean off his back but maybe this was just a message, stop feeding me those fuckin' lemons! After a little while Padre had calmed down a bit, still without a shirt on mind you, and started going over everything in his mind. As he relived the nightmare over and over again he had but one question:

"I just don't understand why he would keep eating them then. Why would he do that?"

Male Boss had a simple and concise answer, "That's the way the pig does. Eat first, act later."

"This is too important!"

2007-09-04T12:05:00.001-07:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Apparently before I walked in to work today Male Boss was busy hitting the bottle of Rage-a-hol. He is in no mood for anything, so I just wish him a good morrow and get to crackin' out the crap I gotta get done for the day. Not too long after, Male Boss says he's gonna go visit a client or two and earn a little face time. Female Boss walks in around the same time he is leaving. They don't say too much to each other and all is right in the world of Angry Time.

A couple hours later of nothing exciting to report, Female Boss gets on the line with a Plastic. Just then, the phones start ringing.. of course. There's no other time that they would ring other than when Female Boss is on the phone with her friend, read as: she ain't helping me. So I start doing hold management and whatever I gotta do to get these chair moisteners off the lines.

Of course in the middle of this shit storm, Male Boss starts calling. I answer it, he wants to speak with Female Boss. I put him on hold and inform Female Boss that Male Boss is on the line and get back to the other idiots on the phone.

A good minute falls off the clock and the phones aren't letting up. The next one I answer is Male Boss again.

"Where the fuck is she? What the fuck is going on?"

I tell him that I told her that he was on the line, tell him to hold on and tell Female Boss that he's waiting for her to pickup again.

As the phones are slowing down a bit, I notice that Female Boss hasn't grabbed the line, so I preempt Male Boss' inevitable phone call that will be filled with screams and profanity.

"Hey, Male Boss, she's on the line.. you want me to have her call you back?"

"No way. Put her on the fucking line, this shit can't wait."

I feel like knocking Female Boss' teeth out with the receiver, instead I tell her again, "Male Boss is on the line for you, he said he can't wait."

Female Boss isn't having it. I imagine she is in the middle of some gossip or discussing how ol' horseface (or recently gifted to me via a fellow Angry Timer, this one) from Grey's Anatomy is hot or something. The only reason she's on the show, by the fucking way, is cuz stupid ass females have such a fucked sense of what is good looking that they drive her to some sort of status in the realm of attractive. Which makes me fucking puke. Listen idiots, if you think she's hot.. no, not even.. if you think she even lies on the cusp of the outskirts of a good looking female, and you're not a girl, you're fucking retarded. Hell, even if you are a girl you are completely senseless. I want you to hit that link to her ugly mug again. Go ahead, click it and study it for 30 seconds, I'm serious. Study it. Soak in the gross and then click here.

Seriously, aside from a pair of slightly funner cheek waddles, that dude ain't half bad by comparison.. at least that mother fucker can win a bar bet or two by eating a baby whole. I mean come on, what good is that chick? She's repulsive. I'd sooner put that dress on that thing from Pan's Labyrinth and dine on some fairies or clean this frog's spitoon for a week than slap that lady across her whore mouth. Putrid, vile.. okay, enough..

I feel better now. Point is Female Boss doesn't feel like talking to Male Boss and I have to juggle these two buffoons until their brain waves collide into a supernova of inanity. Rather than puss out like and make like a slug, I give it another go.

"Hey Female Boss, he's pissed. You should probably grab the line."

"This is too important! Tell him that he can fuck himself and I'll call him after."

I go back to Male Boss and tell him not exactly as much but he gets the point. Male Boss is pissed. He calls me back not even 15 seconds later and says, "I am coming back to the office, I'm gonna kill her."

I grin and wait. What's this? The phones have died again. Sweet, time to get back to my work and.. what the fuck? The first line I catch from Female Boss' important conversation is:

"... so it lays on its egg the entire time. It doesn't even get up to eat!"

Now before we grab the torches and pitchforks I think you all need to look at this from a different angle. You see, Female Boss learned something and like any adolescent mind, she wants to let others know she too can learn. Sharing is an evolutionary step in the right direction for this young mind. Well done, Female Boss. You not only absorbed information but you passed it along.

However, the beacon of promise didn't burn too long. While Female Boss was still on the line Male Boss comes in the house screaming at her. Apparently, Female Boss passed on a job for a client due to her laziness and didn't bother asking Male Boss if he or The Professional wanted to pick up her slack. I guess the client was so offended that they didn't order anything from us since. Male Boss found out by chance when he went to visit and smoothed things over. Its worth debating tho, which is more important.. making a living and maintaining a business or talking about our avian friends?

A Brush With Death!

2007-08-30T11:21:00.000-07:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

So I'm driving down the freeway the other day with the windows rolled up and the A/C humming so that my intake of stupidity is pretty minimal. This is a common concern of mine, the inhaling of fumes that people with low IQ have been scientifically proven to emit, but not really like smoke. It is my belief that smoke, smog and the like that our cappuccino skies offer only make my lungs stronger.. but taking in any amount of dumb from ppl, that god knows where they've been, that just creeps me out.

So while driving in my steel cage insulating me from the infection of idiocy around me I get to see some classic smarts at work. I am not a fast driver, I tend to coast around the speed limit or 5mph over, steady as she goes. I am passing a car that if I saw in my kitchen I would have mistaken for an egg.. then it happens.

The truck in front of me, typical mexican immigrant hauling system strapped with about 14 items too many and stacked up about 6 feet higher than a highway underpass, lets fly a plastic bag that was covering some sort of trinket. I am about 200 feet behind this guy and right along side the egg. Plastic bag takes flight and swoops over to the egg's lane. The egg slams its breaks, I kid you not. We went from neck and neck to me seeing him in my rear view about 150 feet back in 2-3 secs. The plastic bag found its target and latched on to its prey.

Now I am sure you are thinking that maybe the bag got caught on this fruit's windshield wiper or something. Nope. No. It was caught underneath the front bumper. Now ok, maybe this fuckin idiot got scared and his cat-like reflexes that scream out flight in today's gene pool laden with way too many pussies took over and made this guy fear the plastic bag as if it was a jackknifed 18 wheeler careening across the freeway, but no. The guy continues to slow and slow and slow. Before I know it cars are slowing down behind me and this guy is becoming a speck on my mirror. The egg stayed in sight for about a minute or two and then vanished as I took a slight bank to the right on the freeway.

So no, there was no logical response to this. There was no reactionary prowess to be discussed here. No mental acumen, no cautionary take, not even worthy of a gold star from a kindergarten teacher. This was just 100% retardation. The best part is the jackholes behind me are the ones that pay for this guy's irrational behavior. This is one of the reasons that traffic is so insane. You put a fair amount of stupid ppl on the road and there are gonna be plenty of problems. You put a shit ton of stupid ppl on the road you have the Los Angeles traffic. I don't need to say anymore than that.

Can O' Hot Dogs

2007-08-22T10:51:00.000-07:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

This is a slight deviation from our regularly scheduled Angry Time post. Its an ode to a good friend of mine. A recording of an event that is worth its re-telling through the generations. Its something that Angry Time will eventually switch over to if I ever leave this job and run out of the typical Male and Female Boss stories. This is one of the happenings in my life that I am most proud of and its definitely an homage to one of my best friends who happened to get married this last weekend here. With all the nudging and urging I received for me to roast this guy during a speech at his wedding, I decided it better not to do during the dinner and all due to the length of the story when told properly and well.. you'll see why. His brothers and friends wanted to hear it bad but hey, why not make an indelible mark here on the ol' internet. So, for all the people at the wedding that wanted the story.. you can now read it here. Enjoy!

Let's take shit back a good 15 years to high school. The year is irrelevant and the grade escapes me.. but what doesn't is the scene. Here my friend and I stand in his kitchen, we'll call him Meilla (pronounced May-Uh). Two young lads that take down a good 5,000 calories a day are scrounging thru the kitchen pilfering whatever goods we stumble upon and turning his parents' hard earned cash into energy to fuel our minds and bodies to come up with ridiculous situations like this.

The typical meal for Meilla and I was an entire loaf of Roman Meal bread and a fist size helping from a canister of Country Crock. Sure, why not. It was cheap and did the job. Not that day, tho. That day was something special. There was a wind of promise in the air and it swept fortune down upon us. Indeed, it was the culmination of Grocery Shopping Day. With cabinets freshly stocked Meilla and I had our choice of what to take down before the armada of his 3 brothers and 1 other sister got home to steal what was rightfully ours. So plunder we did.

We ate like Spaniards. Goodies and taste treats abound. Before long, Meilla stumbled upon processed gold. A can of hot dogs. A 12 count can of hot dogs, "in water." I think the liquid soak resembled something more of a brine or a pint of hog squeezin' than it did water, but what a find nonetheless!

As Meilla opened up the can of hot dogs the stink breached the kitchen air. The all too familiar smell of over-processed hog anus sprung from the freshly opened can. The room seemed to become more humid as the bouquet soaked into our pores. Mind you, we had taken down about half of the food supply his mom, aka Mommers, had brought home for the entire week, but despite the odds being firmly stacked up against any chicanery, my natural ability to instigate didn't let me down.. and genius struck.

"Before you choke down one of those hot dogs like a stork would a mackerel, let me present to you a gentlemanly challenge. I propose to you, dear friend, for the rewarded sum of $20.. well let me be frank, I think you haven't the moxie, gumption or tenacity to take down all those hot dogs in a timed trial."

Perhaps I didn't speak half as eloquent and maybe I wasn't wearing a pair of suspenders to push forward with one thumb nor had I a long enuff mustache to twist between the thumb and index finger of my other hand when I was fifteen but I think its pretty damn close to what really happened...

Meilla squinted his eyes at me after challenging his manhood and spat, "Name your terms."

My response was simple, "Five minutes, the entire can."

Meilla leaned back against the formica counter top staring down the can of plump pre-cooked wieners soaking in man-sweat and pig urine. His stomach was already distended from the 30 minutes of gorging prior to the challenge. His eyes took a pass at me, I stood stoic, staring him right back down taking the $20 out of my wallet and putting it down on the table. His eyes went back to the wieners, back to me and back to that god damn can that seemed to mock his every breath.

Meilla took a deep breath and said, "I'll do it."

In my heart of hearts I knew he was finished. I handed him a shovel from the word go and he had already dug half of his grave with the myriad of chips and dips and crackers that pushed and stretched his stomach walls to the breaking point. He slammed both of his hands down on to the table, one on each side of his opponent. The can did not waiver, it just stood there churning the cesspool of multiple layers of fluid around like a bilge on some long abandoned houseboat.

"Well then, how are you going to take on the challenge, standing or sitting?" I asked him.

"I'm gonna stand."

"You tell me when you're ready."

Meilla took a few deep breaths. His lanky frame hovering over the can, readying himself for the battle. Seconds turned into minutes and all of a sudden the call was out.

"Okay," he said.

"Go!"

Before competitive eating was a thought in the mind of some all too bored idiot, I became witness to dining etiquette completely foreign to me. Meilla reached in with each hand plucking out one wiener per and then switched his grip on them to how one would hold haunch of mutton. They were plumper than he had anticipated but took the first two out quickly. Two more were pulled from the depths of the commode, the hot dog bouillabaisse dripped down his arms, off his elbows and on to the vinyl floors forming a slick stain challenging his footing. Two more! He forced them into his maw and with great discipline continued to chew.

With his chin slathered in drippings he had at it again, two more! This time the chewing had slowed. It was a battle of wills, I could see it in his eyes. Oh and the smell.. good lord that smell.. it started to get to him. Nuts to the olfactory center, must stay focused. His esophagus dissented next, pleading with him to cease and desist making it harder and harder for him to take down the hot dogs little by little. He had about 2 minutes and change left with 4 dogs to go. With his mouth not completely emptied he took a breath and had back at it.

The call came out, "Two minutes!"

Meilla steeled his will. Taking down the first dog and with it still not completely chewed in his mouth, Meilla broke the next dog in half and shoved them into the corners of his mouth. His gumption waned. His chewing had all but stopped.

"Do it!" I shouted at him, "Take them down! You have a minute and a half!"

He leaned over his foe trying to breathe and chew and swallow all at the same time.

"Come on!" I yelled, "Finish them! You gotta have em all down!"

Another 30 seconds fell off the clock, "One minute!"

Meilla stood there with dog giblets resting on the corners of his stuffed mouth. His saliva had broken them down to thick paste and they started to fuse with his skin. Meilla did his best to try and remain focused, he desperately tried to chew and chew. There were still two left in there. What was he to do? With no room left in his mouth, he reached back in with one hand.

"That's it!" I responded with gusto.

He broke it in two and they disappeared into the half eaten flesh within his mouth forming a soggy meatloaf that you might be served whilst dining in the 4th ring of Hell.

"Thirty seconds!"

Meilla lurched back exhausted. He reeled and reeled but my heckling.. I mean encouragement would not fail him, I was determined to get him thru this!

"Sack it up you have twenty seconds! Chew damn you, chew!!!"

His slumped posture and defeated eyes stared back at me. His mouth was unable to even move. I had to do something...

"Additional minute for half the pot! Ten bucks, You have another minute. Finish the job!"

Meilla's eyes lit up and his mouth started to work again. Chomp, chew, grind. His saliva had broken down the fatty walls of the dogs but even still he could not swallow the meat pudding filling his gullet. The gag reflex was in effect.. he kept it down tho it wanted so badly to escape. Still poised, Meilla gathered himself and took down a bit more. A little more still. Despite his best efforts, his mouth was still stuffed.

"Thirty seconds, come on!"

He cocked his head back and took a deep breath. I could see the spittle mixed with hot dog juice spurt out like a broken water gun against the sunlight that shone thru the kitchen window. His cheeks were stretched like a water balloon, the pain was immense. He was all but done for.

"Another minute awarded, $5, finish that last dog!"

Meilla struggled to clasp the can of dogs and out came the last wiener. His hand shook as violently as a crack addict reaching for his foil pipe anticipating the morning's first hit. He took a bite out of the dog, tho I do not know how. His mouth was so full that he couldn't actually close it but somehow used the pressure of his jaw lined with hot dog porridge to break away a small chunk.

"Breathe, damn it breathe!" I instructed him.

Meilla could take no more, he rested his lazy bones on one hand that leaned against the table.

"Finish the job, damn you!"

The saliva building up in his mouth began to spew forth like clear gullet milk, thick and putrid. I winced at the sight of it spilling down on to the tabletop. He kept trying to chew but he couldn't make a dent. He started to wave his hand at me as if to say I am done. No, Meilla! Failure was not an option.

"Meilla, you listen to me! Sack up and finish that shit off! You're right there! Fuckin finish it!"

I turned from heckler to motivational speaker. Meilla didn't respond to my provocation the way I would have wanted. He was losing grip of reality and the last hot dog. It started to slip with from his grip and his face was losing its color. I couldn't have that.

"Fuckin chew that shit! Chew it and take it down! Put the god damn hot dog in your mouth and be done with it. Its the last one!"

His entire body quaked with an emphatic no but Meilla raised the hot dog to his parched and cracking lips. In it went, he coughed and gagged, spittle flung from his mouth and he still couldn't chew.

"We're going on ten minutes here, man. Let's go!"

Meilla placed his hands on his hips straightening out his posture and began a slow, steady and methodical mincing of the mouthful. He halved the load to the point where his cheeks weren't puffed out like a trumpeter. Meilla saw the light at the end of the tunnel, the trial was nearing its end, he wanted to finish strong and save any last shred of dignity he had left and like any good friend I snatched victory from his grasp and told him, "Two bucks man, two bucks to finish this off, drink the damn juice!"

Meilla scorned me with his eyes and grabbed the can. He nodded at me angrily, still unable to speak and lifted the can to his lips. The lukewarm slurry hit the back of his throat and Meilla leaped for the sink. He spit out the last of the dogs in his mouth and poured the juice from the can down the drain. The towel was thrown in.. Meilla was humbly defeated.

In his defeat he was met with uncontrollable and mocking laughter for much longer than he should have.. not to mention during the ENTIRE challenge. My stomach was as tight as a drum and cramped from the heckling. And there Meilla stood, slumped over, sick of sound of my laugh sicker even still of the taste in his mouth, yet he did not reach for anything to wash the flavor out cuz he was completely up to his eyeballs in pre-digestive food.

Meilla just stood there for a good ten minutes in a daze.. the look that he gave me forever seared into my brain. Completely disgusted, with his loss and with himself in general, Meilla gathered his wits and shook his head at me. Poor, poor guy..

However, this was not the end of Meilla and his competitive eating career. He went on to out-eat just about everyone I know very handily that stepped up to the plate. From backyard hamburger barbecues to In N Out competitions Meilla has proven to be a formidable giant in the eating department and why not, he is about 6'6" now and having gone thru the rigorous training of growing up with the likes of me, he is prepared for any challenge that may come his way in the future.

To Meilla and his wife, I wish them the best, they had a beautiful wedding and it couldn't have happened to a nicer guy to find a hell of a gal. Meilla, this one's for you. Cheers, man! May you have many happy decades together and I'll see you when you get back to the States.

A Missing Mr. Foot

2007-08-20T11:33:00.000-07:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Hmm, where to start on this one. I guess let me describe the back yard for the dogs. Its not a large property as I have mentioned before and over the last few months Female Boss has started buying a number of dog houses to put outside. These dog houses vary from Dog-loos to standard wooden dog houses. With the 3 dogs there are now 7 houses out there. What? You want me to explain the mind of a dim-witted sloth with downs syndrome? Just stay focused.

With the number of dog houses out there, our friend Mr. Foot has made finding him quite the challenge as of late. Finding him, you ask? Yes, finding him. You know cuz all of the "dog training" and all the "practice" Female Boss has done with them they still aren't on the whole responding to your own name deal yet.. in time, I'm sure.

So about once a week the office here goes thru the Pigfoot Scare. Its this whole series of shenanigans that involves Female Boss freaking out about not finding Pigfoot after checking 2 of the 7 dog houses and thinking that he ran away even tho there is no possible means of escape for him.. and seriously, why the hell would he leave? He has it made, he's as feral as a dog gets AND he is treating like a king second only to The One. He's not going anywhere but this doesn't stop Female Boss from going thru the weekly meltdown.

This particular instance Male Boss volunteers for the task of finding where Pigfoot is hiding. About three minutes later I see Male Boss come in to the house rather stealthily with Pigfoot in hand. He puts the dog into his jacket concealing him completely and arousing some suspicion to his new 12 pound goiter bulging from his right love handle.

Male Boss walks in to the office where Female Boss is nice and flustered, "I think he's fucking gone, Female Boss."

Just so you know, Male Boss' right side is showing to me and not to her. Upon any type of observation you can still tell I'm sure but I just want it out there that Female Boss isn't completely oblivious.. only extremely. Male Boss' first line elicits no response from Female Boss so he goes on.

"Did you hear me? He's gone! The fucking ppl came today and signed away the papers for adoption. They took him, Female Boss. He's gone."

Female Boss leaps from her chair. She is flush and her eyes are like saucers, "What the hell are you talking about!?"

"You heard me, he's gone. Under new ownership, right Northe?"

Male Boss turns to me and winks. I figure that Female Boss may have caught that and figured out the joke. I assume too much..

"You what? What!?"

Female Boss is seriously erratic. She knocks over her stapler trying to get around her desk to go check out if the people are still in front of the house.. or something. As soon as she brushes past Male Boss, Taadaa! He reveals Pigfoot from his hiding place holding him out towards Female Boss.

The room turns icy cold.

"How dare you! How dare you," she scolds Male Boss.

She takes Pigfoot from a smiling and giggling Male Boss and continues her lecture.

"Oh, you want to stress me out? You want to give me a heart attack? This is the last thing I need and somehow your fucked up brain thinks that this is appropriate to do! I can't take it. I can't fucking take it. How dare you do this to me!"

She presses Pigfoot against her bosom. I can see her eyes welling up. I can't believe it. She is completely flush.

"I am taking the dogs with me!" she screams.

She leaves a few minutes later and didn't come back till the next day. Yeah, I'd say thats pretty rational. If you google pet owner's greatest concerns you'll find out that it indeed is drive-by adopters coming to ppl's houses and getting custody of dogs right under ppl's noses. She has every right to lash out at Male Boss for playing on this common fear. Male Boss just better hope that it doesn't happen for real now since he put it out there. Karma just may bite him for this...

Dunkirt the Unclean

2007-08-17T10:11:00.000-07:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Well the pig has grown up to be a big fat bastard. He's pushing upwards of about 200lbs now and they are saying he is about 2/3 grown. This means this feed pig will make plenty of carnitas for all my readers when I either gun him down or he passes due to natural causes.

By that last statement it seems that my opinion of little Dunkirt has changed over the last half year or so. Indeed it has. He's not a pleasant pig. He is quite the ass. Stay tuned for further examples on this. For now, I want to share with my Angry Timers a pretty sticky tale.

During the summer, this pig does next to nothing. He is constantly in the shade and sleeping. That's fine, I don't blame him. Its hot as fuck out. If he only did that it wouldn't be something news worthy; however, Dunkirt finds it suitable to shed his skin like a snake during these hot months.

"Shed like a snake?" you ask. No, I guess not like a snake but the mother fucker sheds. He sheds these large slices of bologna off his back. I am not kidding. I guarantee you I could set up a condiment table next to that fat fuck and get school kids to line up with wonder bread in hand to make sandwiches for their sack lunch. Its fucking repulsive. The smell? It is very reminiscent of the ol' football locker room.. just dirty and hot. Fuckin' foul.

So during these glorious summer months Dunkirt and his stench is beginning to attract flies.. likely due to the basketball size piles of feces he leaves around and that whole unpleasant odor thing. This particular day, Dunkirt has posted up shop next to the front door.. outside of course. When I come in to work, Male Boss is having some sort of fit. Female Boss is doing her usual shun and ignore technique but this doesn't stop Male Boss from insisting on what he saw...

"I seen it, Female Boss! I fucking seen it! Come look, they crawl thru and in, thru and in," says Male Boss with that child-like glint in his eye.

"Leave me the hell alone, Male Boss."

"Get the fuck up out of your chair and clean that fucking pig. That is not right!"

"Oh grow up."

"Northe, have you seen it? The flies crawl thru and in his ass! The flies are coming out of his ass!"

Ohh, that's good.. so Dunkirt's ass has now become a brood home for flies. The sad thing is that I don't think Male Boss is exaggerating when he says this. I believe it.. tho I am not sure how exactly flies are crawling "thru" and then "in" the pig's ass. I guess you'd have to see it and I am not ready for that quite yet. Unreal how much I dislike Dunkirt now. I mean, that pig is something foul.. unholy even. My once proud little piglet has become a disagreeable swine. There can only be one lesson learned here today, kids.. yeah you guessed it.. wash your ass.

Too Much Spare Time?

2007-08-14T09:09:00.000-07:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Before I spark off my most recent stint of gumption to begin posting the Angry Time stories again, let me describe what exactly it was that ignited the flame of hate this morning. On the way to work, I spy with my little eye a frikkin 65 year old whore sitting at the bus stop. Just so you know, whore is being used accurately in this vignette. Let me describe.. picture if you will, a 65 year old woman with a white wig on that climbed to the clouds like Peggy Bundy after sticking her finger in an electrical socket. She was wearing a pink, plastic outfit that was tailored for someone about 40lbs lighter and a foot shorter. Upon closer inspection, this monstrosity was sporting some fishnet stockings that would cause the most stalwart of Scotsmen to dry heave. So there she sat, at the bus stop, facing the direction that the bus would ultimately arrive yet was bobbing her head back and forth with her eyes closed, fighting off sleep, as if to say, "I had a long night of turning tricks," which is just disgusting but it also made me wonder how the fuck does one get from birth to that. How many more cases need I come up with till you are on board with Systematic Population Thinning?

On to the tale! Angry Time has been on major hiatus but I dare you to deny that this post isn't worth the wait! Since pictures are worth a thousand words I will just give a brief synopsis of how these photos came about. I was snooping around and found a memory stick. I popped it in to the computer and Great Caesar's Ghost did I find a gem!

Here's the first one.

Curious photo.. That's gotta be Male Boss, I recognize those pants anywhere. Hmm, but I have no clue where he is, that flooring is completely foreign to me. Furthermore, I have no clue whose dog that is. I click to the next photo.

There's no fuckin' way, right? This can't be what loyal Angry Timers may have already suspected is it? The look in the pup's eye.. determination.. it can't be! With my mouth slightly ajar I go to the next...

Oh hell no... this is shocking and completely predictable at the same time. Shocking cuz he's taking photos of it but predictable cuz Male Boss is enjoying it. Also, note the amount of movement going on here.. tile.. to rug.. to hardwood flooring.... ....from the windows to the wall? Next!

Now the pup is in to it. Face smushed up against his pant leg.. full force. Who is enjoying it more is up for debate.. discuss among yourselves.

This one even makes me feel dirty. Its a pretty fitting finishing look. The reassurance that Male Boss is satisfied, cuz this pup is about done. Oh and if you didn't notice with this flooring and the last, its a different pattern of tile.. hence, a new room.

Aaaaaaaaand... I'm spent.

For those of you who have forgotten, here's a link to remind you. For those of you who remember but want the easy click to re-read the past behavior, here you go. Bottom line is Male Boss is one sick fuck. Its one thing to have a dog going to town on your leg.. its another to have the presence of mind to take photo after photo after photo... in someone else's house! I think the only thing I could have asked for is a time stamp on each photo.. to see how long this crazy fuck was entertained for.

Update: After Commissioner Phelps' comment I dug up the original source. Lo and behold he was right. Basically checking out the time on which the files were created I now have a time frame. Now there are 9 original pictures, of which I used six. The first photo was taken at 8:14:12 PM the last photo was taken at 8:31:52 PM. Do the math yourselves.

Boss Warfare 6

2007-04-05T07:30:00.000-07:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

The key to besting one's opponent is to know one's opponent. Male and Female Boss seem to know the exact right thing to do to drive the other up the wall. This particular Boss Warfare will highlight a pair of counter-offenses. When your adversary starts twisting your nipples how will you respond to win in the end?

Scenario #1: This an evolving new behavior learned by Female Boss. She piloted it a few months back when on the phone with a Plastic. Basically, Female Boss will exercise this behavior if Male Boss is badgering her about a work assignment, a call back or doing anything work related while she is on the phone and not in the mood to work. This happens to be most of the time, which is why it is in its evolutionary stages.

"C'mon Female Boss, stop fucking around I need your help."

Female Boss to the Plastic on the line, "Oh, I'm sorry Plastic but I am not allowed to be on the phone right now."

Male Boss usually barks back to her, "Yeah, yeah, yeah fuck you. Get the fuck off the phone and quit bullshitting with your friends. Sick of your lazy shit!"

The other day Female Boss was on the phone with Padre. You remember him don't you? If not, I have a great story coming up about him and a one Dunkirt.

"Female Boss, I'm sick of you wasting company time when you should be in here working with me and Northe!"

"Padre, apparently a man of God isn't worthy of my time right now.. making money is more important."

"That's fucking bullshit, Female Boss. Say goodbye shortly and get in here."

With the switch in attitude from Male Boss, a faint spark from a dying neuron fires in Female Boss' brain. This time, unbeknownst to Male Boss, Female Boss is on the line with her parents. He has no clue as he has just walked back into the office from being gone.

"Hey Female Boss, can you help me in here please?"

Chatter, gossip, blah. Female Boss stays on the phone.

"Please, I'm begging you. We have to talk about this and send off a memo to a client."

Female Boss continues to ignore him.

"Female Boss! Now! Get the fuck in here right now! Hang up the phone and fucking do your job! We have clients that need our expertise, please!"

Sneaky, sneaky Female Boss.

"Oh, I'm sorry mother I am not allowed to speak to you while at work."

"Ohh no. Don't start that shit. You speak with your mother and cut that out."

"Sorry mother, I'm apparently grounded. I can't speak with you. Perhaps I will get permission to call you in a couple hours on my drive home."

"Cut it out! I do not say you can't speak with your mother. Fuck! Lying asshole."

"That's right mother, I have to go."

*Click*

"Fuck you, Female Boss. You're an asshole, make me out to be a bad guy when all I ask is that you do your job."

"Well, my mother won't know the truth will she?"

Ouch, Male Boss, ouch.

Scenario #2: Its toward the end of the day. Female Boss is riding Male Boss about being a terrible person.. this is all too normal for me but perhaps not touched on enuff here at Angry Time. For some reason every now and again Female Boss calls a meeting to the last of her brain cells and sets them to self-paranoia mode. She begins thinking of ways ppl in her life are conspiring against her.. actively seeking out a way to drive her own self completely nuts. It's good... Once her normal state of dementia is overridden, Female Boss slips into a state of mania crossbred with anxiety. At this stage you can expect an awakened rage as ancient as Archimedes' Death Ray. Fortunately for Male Boss its not all that effective.

In response to her accusatory advances, Male Boss goes out back and brings Puppy into the sitting room. Female Boss is screaming at him, she sees that he feels it right to ignore her. Male Boss places Puppy in his lap and Female Boss starts on him about how he doesn't care about the dogs.. about how she's not even sure who the dogs really belong to.. just complete irrelevant madness. Poking, prodding and probing for something.. anything to get pissed off at. I pretty much think its the smart thing to do. Its how I tend to pass my time as well.. as you can see with this blog here.

Male Boss sits there stoic like a dragon on a perch overlooking a town ripe for a firestorm except the reality is that Male Boss is slumped way down in his trusty couch, wearing a sweat suit from the early 90's sporting a 5 o'clock shadow and a powerful musk that smells like sauerkraut and cheese blankly staring at the boob tube. Once he tires of the ranting he takes Puppy and sets her into a crib, yes a fucking crib, that these jackholes bought to put individual dogs in while in the actual office. The point is it keeps them contained along with their sporadic letting of feces and urine.. house training the dogs is not an option still.. even with the Bird Trainer.

Once Puppy is placed in the crib, Male Boss sits back down on the couch and watches the fireworks. Puppy begins to cry like you wouldn't believe. The crib is in the corner of the office, kind of in between where I sit and where Female Boss sits. However, the crib is blocked from my point of view.. whoever is in the crib they can only see Female Boss. The best part is that its just far enuff away from her to where she finds it a pain in the ass to get up and do anything about the cries from Puppy. Shocking as it may be, Female Boss is unable to do two things at once, like concentrate on work and listen to Puppy's nonstop yelping. Male Boss knows this, he's no spring chicken.. he's an old hand when it comes to this war.

"Male Boss, can you please get Puppy.. I can't think with her crying."

Heh yeah, after a half hour of beating him down she's gonna go ahead and use the word please as if that's gonna help.

"I can't think in here! Male Boss, please!"

Female Boss is about 10 feet from the crib, Male Boss is about 30 feet from the crib.. the problem is easily remedied by a little gumption and self-motivation.

"Please! Can you get Puppy out of here and put her back outside!"

Male Boss is as passive as Ghandi on his deathbed.

"Get the fucking dog, now!"

Male Boss doesn't budge. He takes in the scene much like I would.. grinning from ear to ear. Female Boss, you lose.

A Finer Moment

2007-03-30T20:11:00.001-07:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Sorry for the late evening post. I didn't get a chance to write shit all week. If you understood how busy I was this week you'd pretend to empathize with me.. its a good one tho, enjoy it.

I remember this one time, when I first started at this gig. Back when I had to cannibalize those around me so I could put food on the table. You know, back in these days.

Well, lemme backtrack a bit. Before I had the current job that I hold here, there was the whole ascension thing I had to go thru. This is another of the many steps I had to take to ensure my right to the throne. This particular tale has to do with my ability to grind down one's soul to dust over a short period of time. My target was this fooligan of a girl.. jeezus.. how am I gonna describe this whore? Well lets make it easy and just go ahead and call her Whore. Very well then. So, Whore landed a job in the office before I did. Not by much, maybe by a couple months. I think the whole recent hirings deal had to do with a few of their long time employees decided to up and leave so we became their replacements.

Moving right along.. after Female Boss introduced me to my new co-worker, my eyes perked up. Something interesting about myself is that kinda like how a dog can sense someone's fear, I can sense someone's stupidity. To be blunt, this clownass is off the charts dim. On top of that I have this tendency to pick on those with a low self-esteem. Whore happens to have one of those too. After further review I can tell that she's one of those unattractive office temptresses that bats her doe eyes and begs for help getting whatever she wants thanks to the jelly-spined males I am ashamed to be associated with. You know who you are, you fools. Try getting some standards. You hear me? Ugly is not a standard either so stop letting yourself off the hook. Just cuz a girl thinks she's fine or acts like she's attractive on any level doesn't make you slick if she talks to you. You're ripe for shit talking if you pull it around me. Step up your game. Challenge yourself!

Once I've taken note that Whore is bathed with a triple dose of "Put me out of my misery, Northe," l deem, as king, that this job isn't right for her. Basically having to share the same air space with someone so unproductive and whiney assists me in arriving at my executive decision. Whore now becomes a target of my malice. Like any good flayer of flesh, I coerce Whore into my confidence. Such tactics may include speaking down to them as a of show superiority but with a smile to give your average pigeon, whose diet likely consists of heaping portions shit-faced grins, something to be distracted with while taking the verbal beating. Once your mark is softened up, depending on the degree of stubborness this may take a few days to a week, you start with the gossip.

Being in many business politic situations, I can tell you that there's nothing more the bottom feeders of the office crave more than gossip. What's more is that when you give them a "head's up" on a suspicion that you are "having" that "directly affects them" you'll be "idolized" before "you" know "it." With the tenacity of a dung beetle I start shuttling mounds of bullshit her way on a quarterly basis. Quarterly meaning four times a day. Usually start off in the morning with what I like to call an eye opener. Around lunch time you wanna smack em with some heavy conspiracies and at the close the day.. say when you're walking to your cars or if you leave earlier than them, a gentle whisper over their shoulder planting a seed for the morrow.

Let me tell you my idea then. Basically it was my intention to pit Whore against Female Boss. Knowing that women are absolutely crazy (men are stupid, girls are crazy.. more on this another time). Let's face facts here, this is hardly a challenge for me; however, I would introduce the fact that even someone as skilled as Vasili Zaitsev would enjoy taking a magnifying glass to an ant on a hot summer day.

So let's go over what a typical onslaught from me to Whore would look like on one of the few short days it took me to win over her mind, shall we?

Eye Opener: "Was Female Boss kind of a jerk to you this morning too?"

Your Angry Time Explanation: Reason being is that a typical morning employee isn't very alert upon entry to the office. Most mornings consist of waking up and complaining about their life till they park themselves in their seat and work on their chair-ass. Forcing the mark to second guess one's recollection, as I have shown here, helps bring awareness to any unfavorable treatment. Focus the mind of your guinea pig to only see the negative.

Lunch Time Folly: "Female Boss was kinda bitching about some work you had done. Did she make any mention of it to you?

*The answer is most certainly no.

Your Angry Time Explanation: You can be assured of this playing out bcuz you made it up. How could the answer be yes to something that never happened? All that is left to do is steer the conversation toward how much work has been taxing your brain. You know, doom and gloom it. This is sure to get the depression to surface if not bubble over.

Follow Up: Before lunch is over, go ahead and reassure your target.

"Bah. Anyway. I think I'm just venting. Female Boss isn't that bad. I'm sure its nothing."

Your Angry Time Explanation: Cuz when you've started, you might as well have a good deal of fun while you're at it. Plus, downplaying such a serious conversation to be something irrelevant will help propel the zero to insanity that much quicker. If you wish to toy with your prey for a longer period of time, feel free to ignore this step.

End of Day Closer: Go ahead and explore any whim that you may have. One that I always found to be trustworthy was, "We're free till tomorrow. Then, it begins again.. should be better tomorrow tho." Shit-faced grin, wave.. walk away.

Your Angry Time Explanation: The goal here is to make them dread work. Remember, keep your eye on the prize. My goal is to cannibalize her position. I am following that path. Whatever your goal may be, manipulation, getting the mark to hate you, suicide.. the key is to never stray too far from what you wish to ultimately accomplish. Lack discipline and you will compromise your mission.

Several days into the hazing, Whore is a basket case. With some helpful mood swings by Female Boss, Whore does not know up from down. Whore is certain that Female Boss hates her and the pressure is really beginning to mount. Without further detail I will have you know that she crumbled in about a week's time.

My favorite was the day before the morning she called in to the office to quit she was stewing at her desk. In Whore's frantic state she was fidgeting noticeably. Now you have to get the finality of the story in context, we are essentially in a house, we work out of one.. doesn't matter that its techinically an office. The place we work in is a home and you really do feel that comfortable.. but not Whore. Poor thing. She musters up the courage finally and this was probably one of her last phrases ever uttered at the office. It went like this:

"Umm, Female Boss?"

"Yes?"

"Umm, do you mind if I get up to grab a glass of water?"

Realize how strong the fear had gripped her. When was the last time you asked anyone permission to drink anything? Whore was broken down to dust and jelly. No courage, no confidence, no gumption. Like I said, she quit the next day. Not in person either, she phoned in and said she would no longer be attending work here. We mailed Whore's final check that afternoon.

Boss Warfare 5

2007-03-21T16:17:00.000-07:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

When Male Boss is in a playful mood it usually means that he's in the mood to fuck with Female Boss. There is no exception to this day at the ol' place of business. Female Boss is on the phone and Male Boss has her in his sights. She's speaking with a Plastic that also happens to be a partial client of ours, long story but we do some side work with her every now and then. Whatever.. Female Boss is in the middle of gossiping.. cuz that's what low lives do. From outta no where, something catches Male Boss' ear and he will not stop until he has reached his destination: Satisfaction.

Female Boss changes her voice to her haughty, British accent, "Oh, I see. I did not know that deary was a Thespian."

Can you already see where this is going?

"What!? Who the fuck's a lesbian?" That's right, Male Boss is en fuego.

Female Boss turns her back to him while in her chair and continues the conversation.

Male Boss gets up from the sitting room and starts up, louder this time, "I wanna know who is the lesbian!"

Female Boss continues to talk, only slightly louder as if to tell Male Boss to shove off. Making a gesture or throwing a stapler at his head would get the point across, but no. Another simple option would be to tell Male Boss to leave her alone.. but my expectations are clearly too high and the reality is there needs to be more drama. As anyone would have guessed it continues to steep.

Female Boss changes subjects starts talking about a different Plastic. The second Plastic's name is mentioned. Male Boss' intrigue has been piqued.

In the middle of her conversation, Male Boss starts talking over Female Boss and inching his way closer to her trying desperately trying to get her attention or see if the Plastic on the other end of the phone will acknowledge him and get back on topic, "You think she's a lesbian? No freaking way! I know she likes the men!"

He moves in ever closer to Female Boss' personal space, "Its not her, Female Boss! You guys are dead wrong. I have seen her with the man before."

"PLEASE!!!" she screams.

Male Boss takes a step back with a disgusted look on his face, "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

Female Boss tells the Plastic that she has to go and slams the phone down.

"You know what, Male Boss? You're fucked in the head!"

"I do not."

"You do! You're fucked in the head!"

"I not understand who you talk about, okay? Is that okay with you!?"

"Jeezus Christ, would you leave me the hell alone?"

Male Boss softens his voice, "Who the fuck is the lesbian? Come on, I wanna know. Please tell me."

"Your mom."

Anger achieved once again, "What!? You better not talk about my mother! She'll fucking kill you if you tell her that!"

"Male Boss, you have no clue what we're talking about. Go take a seat on your couch and shove potato chips in your ears."

"You're a real bitch, but you know that tho don't you?"

"I'm leaving."

The best part is I am pretty sure Male Boss never received an explanation on what was really said. Chances are the next time he hears the word thespian he will still think the person said lesbian. His vocabulary just isn't strong enuff.. which is what makes working here extra fun.

Leave The Guy Be

2007-03-16T07:02:00.001-07:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

You know my friend Chakhtee? Well if you do, you know that he is the token pinata here at Angry Time. He takes it from all sides and keeps coming back for more. Tho, his latest criticism by Female Boss is wayyy over the top.. even for her.

Female Boss is at the office before me for once.. sonderbar. She waves me over while on the telephone. When I get within arm's length, or what I like to call "slashing distance" she hangs up the phone.

"Oh.. my.. god! You have to listen to Chakhtee's voicemail message. He is blubbering like a little girl that skinned her knee!"

"Hmm, okay, "Dial away."

Female Boss hits redial and hands me the phone. After a few rings I hear Chakhtee's voicemail message. Nothing strikes me as odd. In fact, he sounds much more professional than normal. As I listen, I can see Female Boss' eyes widening along with a shit-faced grin bobbing her head up and down much like it would do if I were to mount it on a bamboo pike and placed it outside facing a stiff wind. Oh, the sweet visuals. Back on track I decide to take that smile off her face.

"I don't know. He sounds normal to me."

"Come on! Listen to it again!"

I decide, against my better judgment, to go ahead and listen to his voicemail a second time. This time before it starts I put it on speaker phone so that she can hear it and I can point out that there is no change in tone or pitch and merely Chakhtee's normal voice with a professional voicemail greeting. This doesn't work as intended.

After walking her through it, Female Boss still disagrees and starts to mimic the voicemail message while pretending to rub the side of her right eye, sniffing and sulking like a true fuckin' idiot. I tell her that she is totally exaggerating and say, "Its not at all that bad."

"So you hear it then!" she booms.

This is a statement, not a question. Essentially, Female Boss interprets my words as, "Its not at all that bad." rather than "Listen dumb shit, he sounds normal and you're a boob."

So I tell her, "I could see if he was sniffing or whimpering in the greeting but he's talking like normal the entire time."

"You know what, you're probably right. I just never noticed that he sounds like he's crying whenever he speaks."

One might assume that Female Boss is speaking with sarcasm but she isn't. She truly believes that one can sound like they are crying without making the noises, the sniffing, the crack in one's voice that typical crying tends to do to one's speech. The truth behind this all, methinks, is that she disdains this poor sap so much that she is obsessing over anything that he does to make him out to be worse and worse in her mind. Hell, why not? I am sure there are plenty of people out there that can testify to this little episode as being a sign of fantastic mental health for our friend Female Boss. Keep on truckin' lady.

Important Phone Call

2007-03-15T10:20:00.000-07:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

"Yes, Mr. Client. Absolutely. No problem, Mr. Client."

Kinda crazy when you look at this whole work thing from a step back. Here we have Female Boss, one of the most insane and unstable people I have ever met, yet when she gets on the phone with one of our clients, especially a bigwig Client, she's on her shit. I gotta give her credit. She knows how to work these fools and keep 'em happy when she actually feels like asserting herself. I mean, her typical behavior and vocabulary in here is worthy of being behind the dugout of a visiting team.

"Okay, let me read back the information so I know I have all my ducks in a row," she says.

Ducks in a row.. good one. Oh by the way, do you know my friend Chakhtee? He walks in with Male Boss.. they went to lunch together. While Female Boss is in the middle of reading back this information to Client, the dogs start up their usual ear drum shattering welcome call. Three, two, one.. queue Demonseed. Yeah, that's it. Right on time. Bird yelling mixed in with a potpourri of dog barking aka Zen.

"What? What? Sorry, Mr. Client I can't hear you."

Female Boss lunges at Male Boss clutching the phone to her chest tightly, "What the hell are you doing!?"

At best, the phone smothered into her bosom reduced the ear shattering question into a mere scream. Male Boss could give a shit. Chakhtee? Well, Chakhtee stands there like a lump. Female Boss turns red. Heads are about to roll.

This time Female Boss, covers the receiver with her palm amidst the flurry of noise, "I'm on the fucking phone!"

The two zombies just stand there. Female Boss has had it. She goes for the cordless and finishes the phone call out in the front yard. Chakhtee and Male Boss do the classic TV move of looking at one another, shrugging their shoulders and drop anchor on the couch simultaneously to break into a bag of potato chips. Phased? Never. The dogs are still going nuts but Demonseed has cooled her jets. Female Boss doesn't return till after Male Boss leaves again with Chakhtee. My best guess puts Female Boss standing outside avoiding entry to the investment property for a good hour. What a head case.. Then this lady graces me with her wisdom:

"Doesn't he get it!? The dogs don't like him! He needs to stop bringing him here. Argh, he doesn't get it! I can't take it. He needs to realize that they really dislike him. I wish he'd stop bringing him here.. while I'm on the phone no less!"

So its all Chakhtee's fault right? Furthermore, Male Boss knew you were on the phone with Client and couldn't wait to rain on your parade, right? Unreal. Retard. To see her continue this illusion that the dogs only go nuts when Chakhtee comes in and no one else is so fuckin annoying to me. So, in order to let her know that I feel her frustration.. ya know, that I am the go-to guy.. the shoulder to cry on.. the listening ear.. that I, Northe, care.. the response I offer her is as follows:

"Huh?"

Stuff it, idiot.

Female Boss Shorts 7

2007-03-13T08:23:00.001-07:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Scenario #1: This one actually happened a long time ago but Female Boss actually brought it back up to me last week. I guess I really struck a chord with her. Back in the days of There and Fat Again I made a comment while she was on the phone with a Plastic. Apparently she has been holding it against me, unknown to me of course, till this very day. Finally she gets it off her chest. Here's the short:

"Well, Plastic, the problem is that Pigfoot is really starting to get hefty.. kinda chunky. Uh huh, I don't like it. No, I'm not crazy. No, the bottom line is that he has a weight problem!" - Is what Female Boss says.

"Yeah, he can't wait (weight) to eat (Har har, right?)" - Is how I respond.

So that's what pissed her off. Its weak at best, hardly worth mentioning again, its some shit we'd say back in junior high. The kicker is that she said that I disrespected, no not her as my boss and/or superior, but Pigfoot! This whole time Female Boss thought I disliked Pigfoot. It wasn't about the off the cuff, snide remark I made while interrupting her phone conversation but more about my feelings towards the mighty Usurper. Gimme a break lady, Pigfoot is held in reverence by many as an internet legend. Nutjob.

Scenario #2: For those that are curious, the dog training carried out by the "bird trainer" is still alive and well. Going so smoothly, in fact, that Female Boss has resorted to her own spin on things to get the dogs to behave like the loyal, house broken, listening machines she spouts them off as being. For example, The One was loose in the Investment Property not but a few days back. This is a problem. Why? Because Female Boss has zero control over the animal.. duh, pay attention! So while she chases him around the Property, The One is peeing and shitting everywhere. Everywhere. I suppose its a frantic "marking" behavior found in such esteemed animals like those you'd find at Westminster. Female Boss is now physically exhausted from trying to catch The One and screaming for him to "Get over here!" So she cooks up a ruse.

"Cohahahuuummaaaaahnn The One.. pleeeeeaassseee."

That's right. Female Boss is fake crying for The One to "come on." I am pretty sure that's exactly what this bumpkin of a Trainer told her to do. Spot on as always Female Boss. Spot on. Then of course, being the total prick that I am. I get up from my desk. The One is across the sitting room near the sliding glass door. I squat down on one knee and playfully say, "C'mere boy."

The One comes darting over to me so happy to see me. Seconds later I hold The One in my arms and turn him over to his mentally challenged owner. All I did was grin at Female Boss, took my seat and started doing work again. No need to rub in something so demeaning. Poor lady.

200th Post

2007-03-08T10:30:00.001-08:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Can you believe it, friends? 200 posts in and literally another 3 dozen sitting on my desk here to be written and scores to come I am sure. The 200th post should be something pretty extraordinary but rather than hype up anything that will likely fall short of expectations I'll just take a few of my favorite Male Boss moments over the course of the last few months and turn them into a synopsis..

I give you, Male Boss:

Scenario #1: Male Boss has his head up his ass. I know this sounds like it is more of a state of normalcy but it truly isn't. For the most part Male Boss is locked in to what he is doing but today he is off his game. He is mumbling and muttering shit that I haven't the slightest clue about. His computer is giving him problems and he is constantly asking me what to click and what to do. I help him as minimally as possible to see the pent up rage run wild. In the midst of one of his spasms he turns to me and asks, "Hey Northe, have you ever worked as a waiter?"

"No, sir."

"Female Boss was a waiter. She fucking sucked. That's what her old boss tells it. Damn it. This fucking computer. Oh well, I'm gonna go take a shit and see what happens."

What does that even mean?

Scenario #2: Male Boss seems bored. Usually when he is bored he'll crack open a bag of his favorite potato chips and turn his shirt into a giant grease stain. Well friends, today is different. He goes for the sliding glass door and grabs Puppy from outside.

"Hey Northe, check out this girl. She's a party girl."

Clearly mesmerized by the importance of his revelation I respond, "Neat."

"Check it out. She's a party girl. Parrrtyy girl. Parrrrrrtyyyy girl," he says rolling his r's.

I turn to look at him just in time.

"Parrrrrrrtyy girl!"

*Snap*

"You mother fucker!"

*Thud*

Puppy is thrown to the ground. Shockingly, Puppy bit his finger. Unheard of I know. Nothing I have ever written before would have ever pointed to that conclusion.

Scenario #3: Male Boss comes storming into the office. Its about noonish. He is flustered.

"Fuck Northe, I am late."

"What's up?" I ask him.

"I gotta meet that Client at his office for that meeting you scheduled for me at 12:30."

"Want me to tell him that you're running late?"

"No, I can make it. Okay, I gotta go."

The phone rings and I answer it, that's the last I see of him. The day turns out to be pretty busy for me. I get up from my desk at about 2:30 for my lunch break. What the fuck?

I see Male Boss in the sitting room knocked the fuck out. I never heard him come back in to the house. There's no way he never left to that appointment... In comes Female Boss. She sees him sleeping.

She starts off with a roll of the eyes and a mutter under her breath, "Unbelievable..." then lowers the boom, "Hey jackass! Client called me asking where the fuck you were!"

"Oh fuck!" Male Boss is startled and clearly has no clue what the hell he is doing.

"Yeah, 'oh fuck' is right. You better think up a better excuse than that shit as you go in there three hours late. I don't know what the hell you are thinking. We land a new client and you treat him like shit."

The whole time Male Boss is in a daze. He's looking up blankly at her from the couch trying to focus. He starts to rub his eyes.

"Well get your lazy ass up! They are still waiting for you!"

"Fuck you, you're wasting my time! Listening to your shit. I have shit coming out of my ears!"

Male Boss forces himself to his feet. He stumbles around like a drunk, bouncing himself off the couch with his hand a couple times before gaining balance.

"I'm getting the fuck outta here," and out the door he goes.

Wow..

Male Boss on a Roll

2007-03-06T08:37:00.000-08:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Male Boss has been the savior of my day. Sometimes, like most people, I am not feeling it.. one of those days where you just have the blues. I'd be a fool to look for any resolution in this flophouse that is God's greatest joke on me, so I don't bother. However, even God has His sense of humor when it comes to this place and He delivered me one, very pissed off, Male Boss.

He came out of no where with his rant switch taped to "on."

"These mother fuckers don't know who they fuck with. Fucking assholes is what they are. They don't think I know a thing!"

I have no clue what he is talking about. I am not gonna ask him. I am just gonna let him vent.

"Send me all the way to that shit and then don't have the papers we needed! Assholes wasting my fucking time."

The phone rings. Its for Male Boss. I look up toward the heavens and wink.

"Hey, Male Boss.. its Client."

"Good! I want to talk to that mother fucker!"

The best is how Male Boss answers the phone. Almost every single time he does pick it up he says hello, almost like saying "yellow" but with the h in front and a very oddly exaggerated o sound at the end. He answers the phone like this even tho he is literally stewing in his own juices. Its rather jovial really.. it takes the edge off.. kinda like how you'd want a spokeshole for a politician to answer the phone right before you tell them how stupid they are. Take your Coke and a smile and fuck off is what I say.

Male Boss doesn't even need my advice to tell em to fuck off, he switches to rampage mode all by himself.. good man. Most of what he says I unfortunately couldn't write down cuz I got another phone call while he was digging into this poor boob. Here's the stuff I do remember and wrote down.

"No, no, no! It cannot work like this! The things don't work that way! I drive in traffic for your guys and nothing!? Now I have clients calling asking for the documentation! What do I do? Huh!?"

Then the question of the century was asked.

"Yes, they calling me and I have nothing to give them! You tell me what you think, you think I am Santa Clause don't you!?"

I nearly fell backwards. Male Boss slams the phone down not giving the clown a chance to answer. I woulda loved to see where that was gonna go but what the hey I'll take what I can get. So after a few moments Male Boss addresses me in a soothing voice.

"Well Northe, what can I do? Sometimes you're the statue and other times you're the pigeon."

Someone put that phrase on a t-shirt or in a time capsule cuz its fuckin perfect.

Coffee Talk

2007-03-01T08:40:00.000-08:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I have a feeling that I have mentioned this before on Angry Time; however, I have neither the gumption to look it up nor the long-term memory to recall how in depth I got into this particular behavior of Male Boss.. Coffee Days for Male Boss. Its filthy.. and I'm not just talking about the hot, filthy, bean water part of it all. I am talking about the ritual. Whenever this clod feels like making some coffee he doesn't go for the coffee maker, nay! He goes for this fuckin crazy ass contraption. I guess its his wannabe turkish side comin' out. Who knows. I don't pretend to understand this beverage nor do I give two shits, I'm just here to share. Cuz its one thing for you turtle neck wearing, iMac fruitcups to go for your $5 cup of fuckin bean water but its another thing to heat up your mud cocktail in one of those absurd looking, ornate, turkish coffee pots (thats hand painted like this by the way!) it just becomes embarrassing. You want a fuckin doily with that, you priss? Is a regular coffee pot not good enuff for you? Is Krups not up to your standards on pouring hot water over your granules? Is the coffee that much different tasting brewed in some wannabe 18th century vase? Jeezus christ you people piss me off..

So whenever he wants his fill of caffeine laden, brown slurry, Male Boss goes through this ritual every single time. Every.. single.. time.. and realize, its not so much the process of brewing the coffee in that Barbie-time coffee maker thingamajig that's the problem its what happens in the process of brewing it. There is no exception. I suppose its part of his coffee making experience. All I know is that he sets himself up for failure consistently. Once he starts the brewing he'll head into the office area or start watching TV in the sitting room. Either way, he forgets about the coffee. This is what I don't get. If I want something, if I going to make something, if I in any way am preparing something for any fucking reason, I remember that I want it! But no, not Male Boss!

For Male boss its brew and brew and brew till the fuckin' thing overflows. Hell, overflow is putting it lightly. The shit cascades down for a good few minutes caking the entire stove in this wretched, dark brown char that requires a chisel to put a dent in. Now let me reiterate. This happens every time this fuck wants a cup of coffee. Trust me, if I had a camera in that mug I'd have pictures of the devastation for you guys. Its flat out disgusting. It smells, its dirty and its just absurd that we have to go thru the same thing several times a week.. fortunately, sometimes only once a week.

Female Boss' reaction to this is complete rage. However, its the same shit. Its the same fuckin speech about how irresponsible he is, how he has his head up his ass and how he needs his mother to clean up after him. On the heels of this grand chastising ritual the other portion of the madness is that Female Boss consistently cleans up after him! She bitches to the high heavens about his stupid ass yet cleans up after him like a whore maid!

Its just dumb. I mean if yer gonna make a ruckus over shit at least pretend like you have a spine and don't clean it up so immediately. Perhaps grab him by his wind pipe and lead him into the kitchen to clean up after his own mess? Nope.. instead its bitch, rinse and repeat... for countless times.. over and over again.

Sidebar: Wouldn't you know it, the week of deciding to post this story the consistency comes to an end. Instead of boiling over his coffee, this time Male Boss totally forgot about the coffee.. for who knows how long. I come in to work at normal time. No one is there.. either they hired a new interior decorator that thought a thin layer of white smoke across the ceiling is the new "in" thing or something is on fire. I rush into the kitchen and his Faberge coffee pot is pumping out more smoke than Krakatoa. No more than 3 seconds after I turn off the stove does Male Boss rush in to the Investment Property from outside.

"Fuck! I forgot the coffee!"

Needless to say the place is completely doused with that smoke-fresh scent. Female Boss was yet to arrive.. she's really gonna love this. Male Boss mentioned she'd likely be coming in sometime after noonish. Makes me want to run down to the store on my lunch break and pick up a few bottles of Febreeze.

Random Stupidity

2007-02-27T08:36:00.001-08:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I am in the process of thinning out this mountain of post-its that are heaped up on my desk. This will be the sharing of stories, snip-its really, that aren't quite detailed enuff or lengthy enuff to make the cut to become a full fledged Angry Time feature. These are the small timers, the things that make the office tick.

Random Fact: Male Boss keeps ice cream in the refrigerator... not the freezer.

Scenario #1: One time Male Boss ate a full bag of potato chips. I am talking the huge ones.. that are like the size of a Glad bag. He went thru the entire bag of chips in about an hour.. maybe slightly more. All I know is that in the time it takes me to perform a specific task at work, he went from start to finish. Now this specific filing task generally takes me no more than an hour but no less as well. That's how I can at least give a bit of perspective on the amount of time that passed. Male Boss' comment to me after performing such a feat: "What happens when you eat so much that you can't breathe?"

Scenario #2: Whatever month it is, Female Boss' mother's birthday comes up. She is terrible about getting any of her family members gifts for their birthdays let alone even a birthday card. However, she always goes on and on about how she wishes she could change her ways. This never happens of course but this is also irrelevant. The point is she received a stupid joke in-mail. Within the in-mail is a picture attachment. The picture amuses her. Her bright idea: "I am totally gonna forward this to my mom for her birthday!"

What a thoughtful gift.

Scenario #3: I am sitting at my desk the other day and Female Boss is playing around with Pigfoot. Nothing new here. Big whoop. My head gets wrapped up in to what I'm doing and I am brought back by the voice of Female Boss calling me to get my attention.

"Look at how brave he is. See how brave Pigfoot is, Northe?"

I don't exert any effort to turn and see what she's talking about, "Why? What's he doing?"

"Oh, heh, nothing."

Ah.

Caught in the Act

2007-02-23T07:56:00.001-08:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Female Boss is outside walking the "Trainer" to his car. Wow, is that guy a screw job.. but thats another story. Male Boss gets up from his favorite spot in the sitting room and starts shuffling around the office.

"What do you think.. is it snack time, Northe?"

"You're the boss."

"Yes! I say its snack time."

Male Boss heads over to the kitchen.

"You stupid son of a bitch!"

Commotion is heard from the kitchen. Then growling and barking.

"Hah! Stupid son of a bitch!" yells Male Boss.

Female Boss tends to have radar ears when anything is happening with the dogs. She storms into the house from the driveway.

"What the hell is wrong with you now!?" she asks Male Boss.

"No freaking fucking way, Female Boss. No way!"

"What!?"

Rather than answer her, Male Boss comes back into the office.

"Can I tell you Northe, can I tell you what that stupid fucking dog is doing!?" says Male Boss slowly raising his voice to a shout.

"Which dog?" I ask him.

"The One, The stupid fucking One. Fuck! He was preparing to bite from his own shit! How dare you, Female Boss! Going to eat from the shit!"

Female Boss tails him in to the office with The One in hand, "What the hell are you yelling at me for?"

"Fucking disgusting that dog, get him the fuck outta here!"

The One starts barking and growling at Male Boss.

"I think he's pretty smart. He got you to pick up his shit cuz he knows thats the only way you will," says Female Boss.

"That's the way you train him? Like a fucking idiot!? To let him eat shit! You trained him this way! You!"

"He's pretty fucking smart," she says again.

Male Boss points his finger at the dog, "How dare you stupid mother fucker!"

Female Boss lurches away from him with The One trying to bite Male Boss at this point, "Don't you dare!"

"Stupid fucker you have there! To eat the shit! If I wasn't there he would eat the shit! He's not allowed to eat that shit!"

"He's pretty smart isn't he? Got you to pick up his shit."

"You better fucking tell him. Not to eat the shit!"

"Uh huh. Pretty fucking smart."

"Your fucking trainer. Your dog!"

"Yep, pretty fuckin' smart..."

The Tale of the Important Package

2007-02-22T06:40:00.001-08:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Every now again there comes a time in our lives when we order something so important, so urgent, that its very arrival haunts our dreams. We freak out over the promptness of the delivery date and time. Is it gonna make it here in time? We punish ourselves for not being more proactive. I shoulda ordered it sooner! Sometimes we get burned but sometimes the plan comes together. Yet, my friends, this is Angry Time and in the world of Angry Time nothing is ever that cut and dry.

This story happens to be a couple weeks in the making. Female Boss is planning on getting a bigtime gift for one of the Plastics for her birthday. Female Boss' relationship with the Plastics, need I remind you, is one laden with pretentious behavior and one-upping the next Plastic. Female Boss has put herself on a mission to outdo all the Plastics this time. Queue the shady man with handlebar mustache rubbing his hands together in a sinister manner.

"Okay Northe, here is a copy of the online receipt for the item. Here is a copy of the UPS tracking code. Keep this some place safe. I have a copy here at my desk and one over here on the bulletin board. I'll just pin it up over here, okay?"

"Ten-four, rubber ducky."

With such a flawless system there is nothing that can go wrong. Practically every day she reminds me of the ordeal and I amuse myself by checking the UPS website to see if it has gone off course or if any unforeseen delays have occurred. Unfortunately, "Brown" is on their shit.. zing! By the way, that's the stupidest nickname to ever give yourself. Brown.. jeezus christ..

I am happy to report that the package arrives the day of scheduled delivery, a Friday, and a comfortable 4 days before the Plastic's birthday. Female Boss is elated. She is really looking forward to giving her this gift and seeing the look on not only the Plastic celebrating the 28th anniversary of her 21st birthday but to see the looks on the faces of those that dared challenge her birthday present giving prowess. My opinion is that of indifference but I think Female Boss has chosen her gift well and perhaps a good report on the whole occasion is in tow.

The Tuesday is upon us. The tension is thick in the air. Female Boss comes in to "work" at 4pm.. roughly an hour before her usual departure time to go home.. whore.. She is completely gussied up. I imagine they are going to some place where they charge a meager $45 for a chicken cutlet stewed in gutter water and mushrooms.. But never mind that, the hour is upon us! Female Boss informs me that Plastic is on her way over and they are driving together. Male Boss is not at the Investment Property so she tells me its okay to head on home. I am happy with the turn of events as an early day is hard to come by.

I finish up what I am doing and start getting my things together when lo and behold the door bell rings. Plastic is early. Female Boss goes to answer the door. The two let out the typical girl squeal that not only affirms but acknowledges their mutual mental retardation followed by "air" kisses in the vicinity of each cheek. What I would do for a sickle and a length of bicycle chain at that point in time.

"I'm gonna go grab your gift and give it to you now. The wait has been killing me!"

*Clop, clop, clop*

Off goes Female Boss in her ever so comfortable *rolls eyes* 3.2 inch heels to her sooper sekret hiding place for the gift. I have collected all of my wares and head for the door.

"Oh hey, happy birthday Plastic," I say to the waiting Plastic.

"Thanks Northe, too bad you aren't coming out with us. Lots of single ladies to be had," winks the Plastic in a playful and somewhat sarcastic manner.

Now I don't know about you guys, but something about a Cougar just doesn't do it for me. The idiots out there are thinkin' that a Cougar with money is that much better. Well lemme tell you something, it is until you decide to call it quits. The money is a means by which to track you down or have you killed. Fuck with the women your age and leave the deranged psycho geriatrics to their own kind.. or go nuts at your own risk. That closes out the Fatherly Advice Corner of Angry Time for the month.

Before I can get out the door, Female Boss yells from down the hall, "Hey Northe, did you see the package?"

My chin hits my chest, "No, I don't know where you put it."

"Damn it, its gotta be around here somewhere."

"Yeah, I dunno. You took it when it arrived and hid it."

"I know. I just can't find it."

You have to understand this house is not that big at all. There isn't but maybe a handful of places where you can "hide" something. Even that is kind of a stretch. Who knows where Female Boss has misplaced the stupid thing but fuck if I care. I want to go home.

"Well, have a good time guys," I say loud enuff for Female Boss to hear.

"Okay Northe, see you tomorrow. We'll order a duplicate when you get in," says Female Boss as I walk out the door.

A duplicate? She's already given up the search? That's good. The final outcome is that Female Boss does not want me to place the new order the next day. Instead, she was really depressed telling me that every one went over the top for their gifts. After sulking for quite some time I heard one of her last remarks under her breath. She said, "There is just no competing with them."

To which I laughed.. under my breath, of course.

What of Dunkirt!?

2007-02-20T06:36:00.000-08:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

What of him indeed! The pig for crying out loud, the pig! The in-mails come swarming in begging me to tell a tale of our pork-loined companion. Well here it is, a quick update!

Dunkirt is growing.. and fast. Some might look at his haunches and comment that he is indeed robusto! That's spanish for "lunch." He's slightly larger than the dogs but is easily three times their weight now. He knows his name and loves to run in to things with his snout. I guess butting is a playful thing pigs do. Who knew?

Just the other day The Professional was at the investment property and he was playing with ol' Dunkirt. The Professional would smack Dunkirt on his ass when he wasn't expecting it and take off. Dunkirt would not give up chase until he butted The Professional in the leg. They played this game for a good 15 minutes. It was quite amusing to see Dunkirt purposely turn his back to The Professional and pretend to not be paying attention.. tho he would indeed be looking out the corner of his eye waiting for The Professional to get close enuff to smack his rear. Dunkirt would sometimes turn and snort at him and other times would let him smack him and make chase squealing the whole time. Dunkirt is absolutely hilarious. I suppose what this boils down to is the piggy has learned the game of tag, something that probably took someone like Female Boss an entire childhood to master. If Dunkirt can learn something that I imagine is pretty complex for a pet, the potential for this little bugger is pretty nuts. Indeed, in the future Dunkirt will not disappoint.

Sorry, this post isn't very funny.. not to say that the majority of my posts are anything hilarious but I think its a necessity to catch you guys up on this here pig. He'll eat lightning and crap thunder before you know it. You'll see.

In other news, Female Boss was quite miffed over a photograph she received over in-mail the other day.

"I don't get this gun."

A good ten minutes later, if not more..

"Ohhhh. Its not a gun Northe, its a phone!"

Wow, ma'am. You're a dumb shit.

Boss Warfare 4

2007-02-14T08:34:00.000-08:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Sole Scenario: Technical problems in the office. Seems like Female Boss' computer took a dump and they're gonna have to share the computer. At first, things seem to be going just fine.. and by "at first" I simply mean the realization of these two land-bound gibbons that they are going to have to work under each others' noses the whole day if they want to get anything done. From there on out, the formulaic chaos ensued.

Notable Highlights:

*Preparing to switch from Female Boss at the computer to Male Boss:

Male Boss: "Can you save your work?"
Female Boss: "Can you shut your mouth?"

*Female Boss' request to use the computer:

Female Boss: "Can I get on there and check this work file?"
Male Boss: "I don't think its going to cost you the penny."
Several minutes later, Male Boss still at the computer.
Female Boss: "Are you done yet? Let me check that work file."
Male Boss: "No problem."
Another handful of minutes drop off the clock.
Female Boss: "Okay, let me get on there!"
Male Boss: "Fuck you, I need it."

*The printer has run out of paper.

Male Boss: "Looks like it says we might have the paper jam."
Female Boss: "Hey dumb shit, you need paper in the printer to have a paper jam."
Male Boss: "Then put me some fucking paper!"
Female Boss: "Put yourself."
Male Boss slams a thick slab of paper into the printer.
Male Boss: "Okay ass, what button to press to start?"
Without listening for an answer Male Boss starts pressing buttons on the printer.
The printer chokes on the paper load.
Female Boss: "You didn't do it right!"
Scary noises come from the printer.
Male Boss: "Its too late now, you didn't want to show me help."

Turns out Female Boss' computer locked up. Since she couldn't power it down using the "Turn Off" button in Windows, her critical thinking process was at a stand still. All I had to do was lean on the power button for a few seconds to shut it down. Other solutions could have been: ripping the power cord out of the computer and shutting off the surge. These solutions will remain unsaid in this office so that there is a slight chance something like this happens in the future. Regards.

Best Dream Ever

2007-02-08T07:55:00.000-08:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

The following took place during a dream told to me and recounted as accurately as possible:

"Northe, are you listening?"

"Yes," I answer without paying much attention to anything that has been said up to this point.

"So then, I appear with my friend Plastic and we're in a grocery store. The ceiling is like 40 feet high and there is a second level above us. Its like one of those old warehouses that uses the upper level for storage. Its really crudely built. Just planks of wood and metal railing. Then, this sinister feeling comes over me. I look up and I see this really mean looking guy pull his pants down and take a shit."

That's probably the precise moment when my ears perked up. I grabbed a pencil and started jotting down notes trying to recall what was said before that. That's about all I can remember.

"Isn't that good luck in a dream?" I ask, figuring that at this point my commentary can only stoke the fire more.

"I don't know, but anyway this guy takes a shit and he reaches down and starts shaping it! I can see him molding it in his hand!"

"Like clay?" I ask.

"I guess, but he was shaping it quickly. And I couldn't see it really but I knew in my mind that he was shaping the ball of shit into a fist! But a fist with the middle finger sticking up, like an 'F you' fist!"

Now I'm starting to laugh.

"Then that feeling that I got when I looked up gets worse. I know he wants to hurt Plastic but I can't do anything. I am trying to tell her to watch out but I can't, all I can do is watch this guy up there. I couldn't get my eyes off him. Then, I get a sinking feeling. I see the guy stretch back. I see that he's gonna throw it at Plastic! The thing is, when he threw it he was trying to hit her but he hit me instead!"

"That has to be good luck!" I barely get out cuz I'm laughing so hard.

"It wasn't funny! He threw the shit so hard! It hit me in the leg and it broke the skin! I started to bleed out of the wound!"

Its hard to breathe laughing as hard as I was.

"Everyone in the grocery store seemed to know what to do at this point. They brought me a bottle of peroxide so I could clean the wound and when I was doing that I could see the shit giving me the 'F you' and no one wanted to touch it. So the thing is just pointed right at me the whole time! So, the end of the dream I finally was able to look back up at the guy who threw the shit and at first it was my dad then it turned into Male Boss. But it wasn't my dad or Male Boss when the dream first started, it was some guy with glasses or something. Then, Male Boss ran away after he smiled at me. What do you think that means?"

*dead*

Semi-Amusing

2007-02-05T09:56:00.001-08:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Sometimes you gotta dig for a story. I know that statement baffles the majority of my readers cuz today's media is comprised of regurgitation artists that earn healthier livings than I ever will based on someone else's work. Well sons a bitches, I'm gonna go ahead and appoint myself to status of news reporter today. I not only bring new items to the table this day, but I also have become a sleuth of sorts here at ye olde workplace!

I was going thru some of Male Boss' things.. that's right I said I became a sleuth! Perhaps in your country you might call this rummaging thru one's personal property or even invading it; however, as a member of the media I call shenanigans on your unjust claims and spit on you not once, not twice, but thrice for such a heinous accusation. All I'm doing is investigating.

So after going thru his things, I found an old cassette tape. The cassette tape was wrapped in plastic wrap.. I found that rather odd but perhaps thats how his people do it. Anyway, accompanying said cassette tape was a folded up piece of paper, roughly the same size. Turns out I stumbled upon some sort of List! The sharpest among us are able to deduce that it is indeed a list of songs on the tape. Here are a few gems that may earn a chuckle:

"Rubb A Dubb Daub" -- Why the first dub is spelled differently than the second one I know not..

"Teachdown Dance" -- Not that shocking that someone not from the U.S. doesn't know how to spell touchdown.

"Some Harts are Dimondes" -- I wonder if this was an episode name in that series Hart to Hart.

"In the Slepper Tree" -- I think these trees are now extinct due to deforestation.

"Even the Bed Times are Good" -- My mind races to too many places to pick just one comment.

"The You're the Greatest Louver" -- Yes, two "the's" and perhaps a misspelling of The Louvre.

And the one that made me laugh the most:

"Sofly Sofly" -- I don't even know why either.

The only thing I coulda asked for better than this list of hilarity would be that if he woulda hand wrote it. Then at least I coulda held another online contest! Oh well. Take 'er easy.

Foul Odors

2007-02-01T11:23:00.001-08:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Just another day here at the office. Male Boss and I show up to work on time, Female Boss shows up late. Male Boss is using Female Boss' desk and computer. He has not removed himself from her seat since he got in. As of late, I have been showing up about 10-15 min before anyone else.. so since coming in, Male Boss plopped himself down at her desk and started working.

Male Boss notices Female Boss come into the office, "Oh, sorry. You have some stuff on this computer I don't have on my memory."

Whatever the hell that means appeases Female Boss and she politely asks him to get up as soon as possible so she can get to work. Male Boss stays at the desk for a handful of minutes longer and gets up. Female Boss moves in on her territory.

"What the hell is that?" I can hear her sniffing the air like a water buffalo trying to catch the fresh scent of a water plant on the wind.

"What the hell is that?" she says again. "Is that you, Male Boss?"

"I do not," replies Male Boss.

"You do not what? You do not make my chair and desk smell like shit?"

"Female Boss, I do not. Cut it out."

"Let's make a new rule, you don't sit at my desk anymore unless you've showered this week."

"Shut the fuck up! Cut it out!"

The phone rings. I have to grab it. Male Boss leaves the office, Female Boss leaves after him. The phone call is quick but I keep the phone up to my ear and feign conversation while I listen to her dig into him under her breath from the other room.

"You really stink, you're lucky Northe is too polite to say anything."

Honestly, I couldn't smell the guy but he musta done quite a number on that side of the office. Female Boss came in with a blanket and draped it over her chair. After that, Female Boss brought in a little air freshener doodad she uses in her car and spritzes the surrounding area. What the fuck does "Egyptian Cotton" smell like anyway and how the fuck would anyone know if the scent is wrong!?

So take note. Male Boss smells.

Quite the Pair

2007-01-12T08:04:00.001-08:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

It would be time spent poorly for me to reiterate the chemistry we have here between Male and Female Boss. The two are quite possibly the most volatile individuals I have ever seen. For starters, when I came back from Christmas Vacation, Male Boss staggered in taking an extra day off from work. The day he was absent, Female Boss was quite pleased. She spent the day taking shots at him and arousing a few laughs out of me. Unfortunately, her underdeveloped wit is all to be laughed at and the jokes are really not worth me rehashing.

So the next morning, Female Boss beats me to work.. I walk into the office and she's buzzing around the office doing this and that. With a raised brow I head to my desk, turn on the computer and observe thru my periphery her level of energy.

"Good morning," I tells her.

"Mornin' Northe."

Female Boss finishes what she is doing and starts up again, "Well, Male Boss will be back in today."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, he called me last night and said he would."

"Great."

"Yeah, great..."

"Ma'am?"

"I know he's going to be a bother to me. He always is when he skips a day of work."

I scan my memory for any truth to this. I come up empty. I don't know what she's talking about but whatever. If she's in a pissy mood it only means that there is more potential for a story once all is said and done. I'll just wait for him to arrive and watch the show.

Moments before Male Boss opens the front door, Female Boss has a premonition, "I know he's gonna ask if we have bread here. I forgot to pick up bread for him. Fuck.. that's gonna be the first thing he asks for. God damn it."

The dogs begin to bark, the door opens and slams, "Where's the bread?"

No hi, no welcome back, no happy new year.. nothing. Only the prediction of Female Boss echoing throughout the office cracking the universe ever so slightly, sending us that much closer to doom. I spend little time on this.

Male Boss makes a bee-line to the kitchen asking the question again, "Where's the bread?"

"I didn't get any!" screams Female Boss.

Screams. What the fuck is her deal? Is it that hard to use an inside voice?

"I don't believe that. You really forget it?" asks Male Boss.

Female Boss twists in her seat offering nothing back.

"Okay then. I am hungry. How the fuck I get this pepper grounded?"

"Step on it, asshole!" screams Female Boss again!

Jeezus Christ, what the fuck is she screeching for?

"You want me to broke this thing? I'll fucking broke it."

"Try twisting it you dumb fuck."

Male Boss pokes and prods the contraption and eventually figures it out.

"Okay, so what about wood spoon?"

"Whittle one."

Female Boss is quite ornery. No clue what her deal is. Who gives a doodle.

"How about you stop being the bitch to me? How's that? You're the one that forgets to buy bread and you takes it out at me? Stop being the bitch of our office."

"Up yours."

Then, the funniest shit I have ever heard comes out of Male Boss.

"It's haaard to beeee a womannnn," sings this crazy mother fucker.

Singing! Male Boss! I cannot do this proper justice. Remember that this guy has the worst accent ever, can hardly speak english and on top of that his normal voice ranks between squeaking car brakes and toddler's first tantrum on my list of pleasant sounds. Its like Balki from Perfect Strangers trying to sing a Brian McKnight song. It was terribly shocking and funny at the same time. The best is Male Boss continues to hum the tune! Fuckin great..

"You know that song, Northe?" he asks me.

"Why don't you leave him the hell alone and finish making your witch's brew," shouts Female Boss.

What the fuck is she even saying anymore? What pisses me off even more is that this shut Male Boss up. There was no further heckling at all. I am stuck with this little episode in my head with no explanation about why Female Boss made it her mission to be a complete jerkass to this clown for no apparent reason. Oh well, nothing makes sense in my life anyway. The up side is that I got to hear the mofo sing and I hope he does more often. I should really get a tape recorder up in here.

Born Anew

2007-01-08T18:09:00.001-08:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

What better day to start a new Angry Time for the New Year than today. Today of days. The day that I go to the ol' company water cooler to pour myself a tall dixie cup of refreshment. Up it fills, just a tad more.. I don't wanna have to go to the water cooler again prematurely.. almost topped off.. annndd *plop!*

This is rather curious. Something is enjoying the coolness of my beverage before me. What kind of being has such audacity!? Upon closer inspection I see a familiar, friendly, wrinkled white mass that is already pruned from days, if not weeks, of bathing. I poke my beak closer to the rim of the cup, "Friend maggot, why must you insist I spend my hard earned money on bottled water from the local mart?"

Its tiny black head offers nay a response.. only the quiet bobbing Female Boss offers the world when posed with tasks beyond the capacity of my new little buddy. Rather than delve on the past 5 gallons of water I have consumed with this chum floating around into it, I instead look to him as inspiration.. the larval stage of a life. Much like the life of a maggot, I have taken the last three months to make sure my body has become extremely efficient in the eating and pooping department... casting to the wind my friends of the interweb! My shame makes my stomach bubble much like that morning.

With renewed inspiration, I decided it best that I fish out my bloated animal spirit and dump him out onto a neutral office chair. Whoever takes a seat in this here chair will bear the mark of my laziness and its gooification will only symbolize my moving past a period in my life that has been nothing less than disgraceful. For I am back Angry Timers! Back and angry, I'll have you know! Angry at the state of the office! Angry at the piles of stories I have neglected! And angry at the fact I was going to spend money on bottled water when I have eaten much fouler things than a water-logged maggot in my day only to give my peers stories to tell my girlfriends at inopportune times! So rejoice friends, for the maggot stage of my life has ended. I have budded into a beautiful fly and I'm ready to once again spew my filth across the internet for your pleasure!... well maybe not just a regular house fly.. more like a horse fly.. those things are like the king of flies.. and they pack a bite.. yess.. horse fly...

Anyway, Female Boss was lucky enuff to wear the albino mark of my laziness on her ass. It was visible for about 2 hours before it was ground into the fabric of her office chair or maybe rubbed off with an indiscreet ass scratch. Chalk one up for Northe and stay tuned for more quality posts my fellow Angry Timers!

Female Boss Shorts 6

2006-11-07T08:04:00.000-08:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Since I have a lot of stories to catch up on and little gumption to make it happen I am bringing back the highly rated Female Boss Shorts for today's entry. Things at the office are as retarded as ever, I'm sure you can imagine so stay a while and listen. Here are some quick updates on some of the recent happenings.

Scenario #1: Female Boss landed the company a new Client. This is something new for her as its usually Male Boss' job and the Professional's job to get in the high class clientèle. Being that it is so unusual for Female Boss to score a new Client for us, you know that this was never meant to be. I am not sure how she met this women but her last name is Valdivia (Val-dee-vee-uh). Its a pretty difficult name to pronounce if you have no spanish influence around you. Female Boss, Angry Time's favorite New Jerseyite, is not the best at switching gears and turning on the spanish accent. In fact, she is so bad at it that she started calling our new client Mrs. Velveeta. That's right.. like the cheese.. while on the phone with her. The sad part is that she truly thought this was how to pronounce her name. It went on like this for about 2-3 weeks before the woman blew up on her. We are yet to get new assignments from her. Whether that is the reason for the falling out is still up for debate.

Scenario #2: Since Female Boss' splendid plan to get Demonseed a trainer things haven't been more hilarious. Recall that this man is a dog trainer, not a bird trainer. He does the training sessions, I use that term loosely, like he would a dog. Demonseed doesn't give a shit. All the bird knows is that attention is all the rave when Trainer steps in. Their latest teaching assignment for Demonseed? To throw debris out of its cage. Meaning that if you give Demonseed a sheet of paper, they are encouraging the bird to make a mess on the floor.. something that Female Boss and Male Boss have cursed to the high heavens about how many times a day they have to sweep under and around its cage! Something tells me that this bird is training the owners to accept the behavior, more like a reverse grooming. This is nothing new for Female Boss tho.. its what we have seen for years here. The owner bending to the will of the pet.. brilliant...

More updates to come.

Glad You're My Friend

2006-11-01T08:23:00.000-08:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Lately, Female Boss has been nothing short of a recluse. I am talking about taking no calls from friends, not answering her cell phone and the social butterfly she sometimes can be has all but spun a cocoon of secrecy to hide in. Especially with the Plastics. The Plastics are her usual go-to girls for fun and excitement and she has been really stand-offish with them. It could be that she is finally learning to ignore the siren song of $150 dinners several nights a week that don't fill you up and the overall pretentious attitude that tends to make Female Boss that much more unbearable. Maybe its a good thing, maybe it will turn into a positive. Regardless of my unfounded and optimistic outlook for Female Boss' failing brain, I can tell you that her dodging The Plastics have resulted in her fucking up pretty royally.

For a couple weeks a particular Plastic was blowin up her cell phone and even the office line. I found it kind of odd cuz this particular Plastic isn't much on phone calls and stranger was that Female Boss would usually brush off her call saying that she didn't want to talk to her right now or that she would call her back. Way different, cuz 9 times outta 10 she'd have taken the phone call.. this is no longer the situation. Newly appointed as the office arbitrator, I am stuck with the task of getting rid of this whore and dealing with her nonstop questioning about why Female Boss is not calling her back. I grow weary of her pathetic assault on me and turn it around.

"She hasn't been returning your cell phone calls either, maybe you should get one of your other friends to call her and see if she calls back if you're so concerned."

This angers the Plastic. She thinks that a conspiracy is afoot yet does not adapt to the new challenge laid out in front of her by me. Nor does the Plastic have the smarts to tell me what the fuck she needs to communicate to Female Boss so we can get on with our lives. So, while I am caught between this terd sandwich.. and shut the fuck up idiots, I know how "turd" is spelled and it looks fuckin stupid so I spell it with an "e".. the way it should be spelled.. my world you bitches, deal with it.. and if you're coming here to study for the fuckin grammar rodeo or honing your skills for a spelling contest you came to the wrong fuckin website. Moving on.. being caught knee deep in the rotting brain matter of these two apes starts to enrage me further. Literally 3 weeks into the affair, the Plastic finally gives in to my demands and lets me know that she wanted to make sure that Female Boss was "attending" on Saturday, two weeks from then, as she has not heard from her.

Now that I have something a little more mucilaginous to hock at the gaping spitoon that is Female Boss' ability to process and act upon, I can only hope that it clings on for dear life long enuff for her to nip this shit in the bud. I regret to report that much like common sense, motor skills easily mastered by third graders, critical thinking, coherent thought, basic use and understanding of the english language and self respect.. Female Boss has failed to heed my call and it slips thru the grating to the void of her mind to be swallowed and further fuel her voracious appetite to fail in life. Female Boss even burps up a phrase I am able to understand:

"Probably another stupid party of hers."

No phone call back. No nothing. Just the continued avoidance of her Plastic cohort. So be it. I will play the game and I will play it according to my rules. Unfortunately, not much else is done over the next two weeks. I receive, maybe, a handful of calls from her to which I am forced to continue dodging and making excuses. Whatever. I give a fuck. Female Boss does to.. until the reveal the following Monday after the elusive Saturday!

I come into the office about 10 minutes early to get a jump start on some shit I did not finish the previous night. Female Boss is practically in tears on the phone making excuses for her pathetic existence to some chimp that likely has no clue what to do with the information spewing forth. Blubbering and writhing, Female Boss' display goes on for what seems to be an eternity. She must have received a dozen phone calls and made another dozen herself in the span of a couple hours. Slowly the pieces start to fall into place.

Turns out that Female Boss missed a fuckin wedding! Not just any wedding, the wedding of the Plastic that has been calling her for over a month! Correction.. not just the wedding of the Plastic that has been calling for over a month but the wedding of the Plastic that has been calling for over a month that Female Boss was supposed to be in!!! The stupid fuck Plastic was trying to communicate to Female Boss that she still hadn't picked up her dress, rehearsal dinner.. yadda yadda. Can you believe this shit? The best is that stupid fuckin whore never told me a thing. Never communicated to me the urgency of the whole dealy so I have no remorse.. she deserves nothing less than the cream of gene's pool she now wades in. Fuck her. The kicker is that Female Boss' friends had been leaving her messages on her cell too, in detail, about what was going on. Why did Female Boss not get any of the messages. Let me quote:

"I forgot my voicemail password and was too embarrassed to call my provider."

Hahaha. Wow. Well fuckin done, you idiot! I realize this one is another "close to home" post that if they ever stumble upon it will be my ass but some things are too good not to share. I put my life here at my job in the hands of fate. With the combined brain power of those I mock I would tend to put a healthy wager in my job security.

I Know a Guy Who Knows a Guy

2006-10-31T08:00:00.000-08:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

One of the most ridiculous purchases of all time took place before I started working here. Male and Female Boss bought an authentic slot machine for the house. I guess they thought it would be a good idea to have in the house and pass time with. Initially it seems like a good idea but you'd be surprised to find out that if there's anything slightly more boring than work its fake gambling. Nothing says Lord, take my life like winning jackpot after jackpot on a machine that refuses to pay out. Terrible shit.

So, here's the deal. Female Boss thinks its a good time to retire this thing from the main room of the house to the corner of the den. The den is more like a dungeon. The den is windowless and appropriately has a light bulb with a pull string in the center of the room. The fate of the slot machine lies within the confines of that personal hell to become a dust collector and depreciate until it becomes something that Female Boss wishes to give away.

Here's the rub. The reason why I even bring this up is cuz the thing weighs a good 250lbs. Its a big clunky beast likely made in the late 50s from old WWII tank parts. Female Boss needs this thing moved and is scared to move it because she does not want to damage the marble flooring in the house. Ingeniously, Female Boss calls up the company or warehouse or whatever the fuck she bought it from trying to see if they can send over some guys to move it. They are more than willing to perform the task and kindly let Female Boss know that its gonna cost $175.

A little perspective here. This move is no more than about 25ft, if that. I tell Female Boss that I think that the cost is a little steep. Female Boss, rather than listening to the logic in my statement, boasts about how they are going to be arriving this afternoon. I decide to keep my mouth shut and get back to work. If she wants to spend $175 for 10 min of work then so be it. I just wish she'd pay me that well.

A team of three clown college graduates get to the house about two minutes before I walk out the door to go home. Female Boss makes no mention to their faces that they are a mere 4 hours late and starts putting them to work. I am in no mood to stick around and watch, so I leave.

The next morning I stroll in and ask Female Boss how everything went. Her face lights up as she begins to tell me how these guys were done in no time at all. She might as well be swooning.

"These guys knew exactly what they were doing. I mean they were great!! If you know anyone who needs a slot machine moved I recommend these guys with high marks. They're the best."

Now hold up, before you start in-mailing me, asking me what the phone number is to get your slot machines moved, lets figure out an orderly way to handle this. Okay, I got it. How about you in-mail me if you don't need a slot machine moved cuz it will save me a lot more time taking one or two people off my mailing list than checking on dozens and dozens of people that are in need of this valuable service. Fuck man, finally.. someone that can move that slot machine. Female Boss has the hook up, guys! We're in!

Time Well Spent

2006-10-13T09:46:00.000-07:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Just when I thought I couldn't say What the fuck often enuff, Female Boss comes in with some more crap. I mean, what the fuck! I am not one to tell people how to spend their free time but this is just about the dumbest shit I have ever seen. You ready for this? I don't think you are. Jeezus fuck, this is so stupid!

Female Boss is sitting there on her lunch break. She decides to bring in a salad from home today and talking about how "fresh" it is. I hope so idiot, you brought that shit from home! Just when I am settling back in from my lunch break and starting to get my workload started, Female Boss starts rusting through some letters she brought from home.

"This is really interesting, Northe."

"What is?" which is my way of saying what now you, fuckin reject!?

"I am reading some of these ads I am getting in the mail," Female Boss pauses.

I would guess she is reading one or trying to get back that hiccup in her brain so it can start spewing forth further bullshit. Regardless, I take the chance to give her a quick jab, "You mean junk mail?"

"Well, I guess. No, not really. Kinda."

There goes that hiccup again. Her own stupidity is at war with itself. Its amazing!

"Well, I mean listen to this. They use words like exclusive and congratulations and this is an invitation. Then it goes on to tell me that I am part of a select few.

"Okay," I say waiting for her genius to reach its apex.

"Well, I mean isn't this interesting?"

"What is?" At this point I have to challenge her cuz she is fuckin nuts and I want to let her know. Does it work tho? No. Questions are only answered by those with the aptitude to perform that task. Female Boss is only able to put forth idiocy, not describe it. Fair enuff?

"I'm gonna call 'em."

So, here I sit listening to the stupidest conversation of my life between two festering hags that could very well team up to beat a baboon in a spelling contest and still lose. Female Boss is asking them all these questions about the words they use in their ad and then goes on to complement this pigeon on the other end of the phone.

"This is great!"

In the amount of time it would have taken me to hack off her limbs and quarter her torso, Female Boss finishes her conversation.

"Well, get this. They told me to keep the letter that I received if I find interest in using their services."

"Are you going to?"

"Sure, why not? I think they want to make me feel special. Call me crazy but I think they are going to enter me into a raffle." More excited now, "Wouldn't that be great! I mean that would really be something."

How the.. what in the fuckin hell is she talking about!? What raffle!? What anything!? No, I won't call you crazy.. I'll call you a dumb fuck! Do something.. ANYTHING more productive with your time then dreaming up this nonsensical bullshit! Fuck!

Double Cha-jee

2006-10-04T08:01:00.000-07:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Back in the day a buncha my friends used to go grub sushi at this all-you-can-eat spot that was pretty good. The spot was definitely the place to grub down. It was like $25 for all the sushi you could muster in an hour and the quality, tho not top notch, was up there. The other plus about the place is that it was all-you-can-eat at the sushi bar only. So get the picture of some buffet style slopfest outta your head.

After a while of getting to know the sushi guys we started becoming revered patrons of the establishment. We'd walk in, get treated like kings and the fish would start heaping up in front of us. Even the manager would start talkin shit to us. We'd order certain things and he'd yell out with a thick accent, "Double cha-jee!" Which means double charge. It was funny ass shit and likely you had to be there to appreciate the humor. So, going on to what the day's latest brings at Angry Time..

Apparently Female Boss decided on getting a really nice care package for our top client for no specific reason. Essentially its a show of gratitude, something that will bring our two companies closer together. The gift is coming from a local eatery, Company. There are tons of different food items that she wants to give them. All fresh stuff, it would be a good amount for the employees to snack on all day when it arrives. Sounds like a plan from the heart to me.

The first problem that Company runs into is that Female Boss jotted down the wrong address to deliver the package to. Company calls up the office and I happen to pick up the line. They tell me the address Female Boss gave them. Its completely different than the company address we have in our database, different city and everything. I am now really confused. Its one of two things, either Female Boss is completely off her rocker or they have a corporate office or some such that she is wanting to deliver to. I don't want to make any assumptions so I take down the message for Female Boss and give it to her when she gets in.

"Oh okay. Yeah, I am sending it to their office location. The address we have is just their mailing address."

Fair enough. I'll just go ahead and pick up the phone to tell them the switch. What.. what am I doing? I thought she wanted the package to go out today. Female Boss leaves the office. Hmm.. that's completely outta the ordinary.. Female Boss is acting retarded.

To make a long story less exasperating I'll shorten things up. Over the next 8 work days I get 4 messages from Company complaining that the order was set for that particular day and that the contents of the package are no longer fit for consumption. Every single day they call I give Female Boss a verbal message along with a hand written note with their number and everything to make things very basic for her to understand.

As shocking as it may be, my efforts come to no avail. Female Boss still hasn't called up Company. Then, finally.. the golden opportunity surfaces. I receive a phone call from Company, again. Why these people are so persistent to begin with is beyond me. They have already been paid, what the fuck do they care at this point? Anyway, Female Boss is outside talking to the gardener when they call. I have to get her into the office. I am successful after a lot of hollering for her to get the phone. The best is how the conversation starts.

"Yes, hi," *pause* "Well I ordered that to be delivered like two weeks ago I don't understand why you guys' didn't deliver it," followed by the self-dissapointing "Oh."

Yeah that's right idiot. 'Oh' means you dropped the fuckin ball. After a few minutes on the phone I am happy to report: Comeuppence is at hand!!

"This is bullshit, Northe."

"What is?"

"They made me pay twice!"

"For the second package since you didn't call back and they couldn't deliver the first one?"

"They said I didn't call back in time. I had to pay the shipping cost again too!"

Yeah.. ignore me you jerkass.

"This is bullshit."

You're right. It is bullshit. Its bullshit cuz these people had to waste their fuckin time tracking your ass down. The best is that Female Boss is shocked and appalled cuz they accused her of not calling back in time. She never fuckin called! She was on the phone with them cuz they called her! Get a fuckin clue, idiot. For your insolence you get double cha-jee!

Continuation From Last Post

2006-10-03T09:30:00.000-07:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

So with our last update on the Eighth Ring of Hell that is my workplace, Female Boss was busy becoming a bilingual prodigy. Unfortunately, Female Boss is likely to be stoned to death before any acclaim comes her way. The following is just another scenario among now, the 100s of stories, that keep me guessing and on my toes while at work:

Female Boss is on the line with Trainer. Hearken back to Trainer. A dog trainer that Female Boss hired to start training her bird. Jeezus Christ.. I can't even type that shit without wanting to spend the next three paragraphs excoriating her very, very slowly. Staying on task.. I catch her midstream, "Well Trainer, you know you're the expert and I don't know anything but I think we need to focus on Demonseed."

Yeah, that's right. Female Boss just said 'I don't know anything'.. well, sorta. I'll take it. So catching up I think, if I recall correctly, Trainer was starting to suggest more time with the other animals rather than on the bird. Trainer has dollar signs in his eyes and thats all well and good. Conan knows any change in this office is for the best.

So literally right after that last confession and suggestion by Female Boss she interrupts all train of thought and blurts out, "Oh! By the way. I have the cutest story!"

I have no clue what she's gonna say.

"I have started to call Pigfoot Gay now." .. "Uh huh.. like, 'come here, Gay!'"

My eyes squint in shrouded disbelief. I mean, what the fuck is wrong with this woman? Of course, it gets better.

"Isn't that funny? Oh! Then, if Pigfoot is being bad I'll call him Puto!" .. "Yeah, it means fag in Spanish. Hahahahaha." .. "Oh okay, well I don't want to keep you, bye."

Female Boss hangs up the line and I can feel the ripple in the atmosphere hit the back of my head as she wrinkles up her face. She's confused. She's trying to comprehend the situation.. wait for it.. wait for it.....

"I can't tell if Trainer thought it was funny or if he just wanted to get off the phone with me."

There it is. I hope it doesn't shock anyone that there was no self-realization at all. If that starts happening, Female Boss will start losing her luster. She must remain in her mentally challenged state. As for Trainer, I just hope he sticks around cuz this has all the makeup of a great relationship.

What Does One Say...?

2006-10-02T08:21:00.000-07:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I always tell my daughter, if you make it out of high school with the knowledge of two languages you will be among the average; if you make it out of high school with the knowledge of three languages you will be above the fray of the average; if you make it out of high school with the knowledge of four languages you will have the advantage.

Language is key. Being multi-lingual is insane. Being able to communicate to more people will make you a force in life. Luckily, Female Boss has picked up on this even at her later years in life. Its never too late to start taking on the challenges of another language. Who knows, you may have a knack for it. If you do then you can start learning languages quicker than the next and really start expanding your horizons. Let's see what happens in Female Boss' latest caper..

"So Northe, I went out and asked the gardener how to say 'gay' in Spanish."

At least she is interrupting me while I have a phone up to my ear since I am on hold with a client, "Fascinating, what is it?"

"Well it depends, 'maricon' means gay and 'puto' is more derogatory."

I don't comment after that. I actually work instead. As for Female Boss, her wheels are spinning. Who knows what is going on within that dust storm of a brain. Before I know it an hour sails by. Female Boss has likely been in a catatonic state that entire time.

"Ok so, what did I say? Maricon? Is that it?"

"Yup. That and puto is what you said," I answer back.

"Punto like a point?"

"No bitch, puto!" said slightly more respectfully, of course.

"Ohhhhh. Puto. Well what does that mean?"

Arrrrrrrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!! The best would be if Female Boss was so smart that she was trying to get a reaction out of me. Thing is I stay pretty stoic and just jot shit down. Inside I definitely am raging in complete of awe of her stupidity tho. The fact that someone can tell you what something means then an hour later ask you what the same thing means is frikkin crazy. Then come to find out later she wrote the word as "punto" on her monitor. About two weeks later she put an X over the N. Only in my world..

Brain Dead

2006-09-26T09:04:00.000-07:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

"These websites.. I don't get it," starts Female Boss.

I can only imagine what kind of nonsense is gonna strike my medulla oblongota. Female Boss is fairly decent when it comes to computers and fairly retarded when it comes to them as well.. though I am sure you would agree that empirical evidence leans more towards the retardation of her computer skills than her know-how. Either way, I only know to expect the worst when she is bitching out loud about her computer. It is her way of getting my expert advice and more importantly my attention to stew in her anguish with her.

"Whats the problem?" I ask.

"Well its these stupid websites. I can never find anything when I use these search engines."

"Which one are you using?" as if it matters...

"I like Ask.com for the most part. It seems to be the easiest. I can just ask the guy what I want and he gives me the results from there but isn't there an easier way?"

Ok, I kinda gotta dissect this statement before I get to the question. "The guy" she is referring to is the cartoon image of a butler, as in, Ask Jeeves.. Mr. Jeeves, if you will. I really have no clue how far the metaphor goes, if it really is one, but for her to say that makes me question her ability to comprehend the internet at all. Female Boss is far too literal when it comes to certain things so it is a cause for concern to those around her that may care. I, for one, do not so we'll just move on.

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"Well, I ask Jeeves the question and he doesn't really understand what I mean."

"Give me an example of what you put in the search field."

"The what?" Jeezus....

"Just tell me what you type."

"Okay. Like this one for example. I want to find out about this store back in Jersey. I want to see if it still exists and what they sell now."

"Okay."

"So I type in the field, (roughly remembered by me) 'Does Store in City, New Jersey still sell Products and are they still at the same address?'"

I am dead ass serious. Female Boss is typing complete sentences into this shit with multiple questions as if someone is reading them and finding the information at the speed of light. I couldn't believe it.

Speechless at first, I finally came up with the right words, "What? Are you serious? Ask Jeeves isn't giving you the answer or website you're looking for with that specific of a question?"

"I know! I don't know why I have so much trouble with it sometimes."

I had to take deep breaths and take it easy. I am on the verge of laughing but I want to continue the conversation and see how absurd things get. I can't. I will crack. Bad poker face. Then, Female Boss speaks again:

"Well, I mean isn't there a website search engine that finds what I want without searching for it?"

I didn't say a word. I stood up from my desk and went straight to the restroom. I had to laugh and have some "me-time" to contemplate the hilarity and stupidity of the statement. A search engine that finds what you want without you physically doing anything to generate a search for it! What the hell does that even mean!? Are we talking about a mind reading website? Isn't that what it boils down to? What the fuck is she thinking!? I dunno, Mexi, maybe I need to hire a taxidermist...

Boss Warfare 3

2006-09-22T08:24:00.000-07:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Sole Scenario: Its the middle of the day. I get back from my lunch break promptly at 1pm. Taco Bell was on the menu cuz I felt I needed to build up my immunity, it was during a flue outbreak and I wasn't gonna fall prey to that bullshit. Dining at Taco Bell made sure of it. More on that theory another time..

I take a seat in the office and Male Boss comes in from the rear portion of the house laughing hysterically. Female Boss follows a few steps behind telling Male Boss, "You're an asshole."

Male Boss laughs harder and louder.

"Want me to tell you why she's pissed, Northe?"

I know better than to ask questions that will give me negative faction to either Boss. I keep my nose in my keyboard and just wait for the gem. Its gonna come, no need to force it or make an unsavory play for it. Just give it a second..

Snickering the whole time, "Come on Female Boss, can I tell him?"

"Fuck off, you fucking bastard."

"Come on, can I tell him how you took a big shit?"

I can feel the heat coming from the sitting room where Female Boss is seated. She has to be bright red with fury and embarrassment. Male Boss knows no boundaries when it comes to decency, especially with me in the office. He tries to be the guy's guy and it comes off about as smooth as sodomy with a pine tree.

"Come on, don't be mad on me. Its funny. You took a huge shit. Stinks up the whole house and clogs the toilet. I got my hands wet helping the toilet to swallow the shit. Just for you. You're gonna be mad on me, Female Boss?"

Female Boss storms out of the house without saying a word. Male Boss is laughing his ass off still. I chuckle a little with him. Poor lass, she really didn't deserve that. You guys though, my Angry Timers.. you definitely deserve it.

Printer Problem

2006-09-20T08:49:00.000-07:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

Its early in the morning and I am just arriving at work. Female Boss is in the kitchen, I say hi. I head to the office and take a seat at my desk. Male Boss springs up from his TV watching and already starts things off. Its a bit early for him, this means he is gonna be cranky. Sure enuff, Male Boss starts barking about some bullshit regarding the printer connected to his computer and how its not working properly. This is a good time for me to grab my trusty pen and pad, so I do.

From the kitchen, Female Boss interrupts his rant by throwing gasoline on the fire, "It just needs to be plugged in, Northe. Don't listen to him. We both know how brilliant of a mind he has when it comes to computers."

I do not get up from my seat. I sit there, waiting for the comeback. Then.. right on queue:

"Hey Northe, I'm pretty sure she fucked it up."

"Okay. I'll check it," I say gratuitously still waiting at my desk with pen in hand.

Why am I still seated at my desk? Are you kidding? Male Boss is just getting started, "She always fucks it up.. don't you Female Boss? Can never let shit the way it stays. Always wants to fuck around, right? Isn't that how you do?"

"You better shut the fuck up right now! I'll fuckin leave!"

Male Boss goes into a mumbling state, "Well I'm pretty sure you fucked it up."

I get up at this point as the pot has slowed to a simmer. Female Boss was quite right, the printer was unplugged.. for what reason or another I have no fucking clue.. and why she didn't solve the problem before it fell into my lap is a totally different skull to crack. It wasn't to conserve power as the power cable was still connected. Even she would know to turn the power 'off' on the printer, wouldn't she? So why the fuck it was unplugged is not for me to guess. I will leave that up to you guys. Anyway, I plug the shit in and call it a job well done.

"What was it then, Northe?" asks Male Boss.

"Oh, just the cable was unplugged on it.. its fine now," I says.

Male Boss focuses his ire toward Female Boss again, "So tell me, Female Boss why the fuck you like to fuck around and unplug that shit? Why the fuck you doing it?"

"I swear to God, you better shut your fucking mouth," she hollers.

"Fuck you, don't ever touch my fucking printer. Never again!"

I coulda counted to 5 at that point. **SLAM!!!** The front door slams shut. Female Boss is gone. She did not return that day. Male Boss didn't give a shit. He sat on the couch most of the day anyway. Crazy fucks..

Grooming the Demonseed Part II

2006-09-13T08:04:00.000-07:00

First time? Start here. Read "The Primer" and follow the link at the end. Chronological order makes more sense for the stories.

I last left you with the seed firmly planted, that yes, Female Boss did indeed hire a dog trainer to train her bird, Demonseed. Skipping over the fact that it would take a complete moron to do that we'll go right into the introductory dialogue between the two. It began something like this..

"Just so you know I have never worked with a bird before," said Trainer.

"No, I know. You told me before. I just want to see if we can get anywhere with this training."

Sidebar: Just so you know this took about 2 minutes to communicate to one another. The screaming of Demonseed and barking of the dogs was so loud they moved into the office to where I can hear them no problem. Once they were in the actual office it was much easier for them to communicate and much easier for me to write down their conversation.

"So what do we want to accomplish with Demonseed?" asks Trainer.

"Well, I just want Demonseed to be happy and not screech so much."

"Okay, we'll try with things that keep the bird busy."

Female Boss goes over to the bookcase and grabs some paper. "Like this?" she asks.

"Sure, paper will do."

For one hour these two chimps fed Demonseed paper and Demonseed proceeded to shred it up. Over and over again. They shot the breeze about how stupid each of them is and how its a marvel that people with such untraceable levels of intelligence even possess opposable thumbs.. you know, stuff like that. I just nodded in agreement the entire time.

Before long the "bird training" was just the two of them standing next to the bird cage and talking about music.. and get this.. Female Boss starts going off on how she loves to play the mandolin! She has not touched it in seriously 6-8 months I think. Its just so stupid. Oh, Demonseed? The bird is just standing there on its perch staring and these two whistling every now and then and just enjoying the fact that people are standing next to her for such a long time. The dogs have been barking, not furiously, but enuff to give an average person a headache after this much time has passed.

"Well I should really get going," says Trainer.

"Oh ok, no problem. How much do I owe you? It was two hours right?"

"Yes, $180."

Money well spent if you ask me. Gives me enuff info to write a story about and keeps Female Boss outta the office for a couple hours. Plus there was a lot of progress made. Imagine handing paper to a bird and the bird shredding it up! I mean, its practically inconceivable. The question becomes whether or not this is going to be an ongoing relationship. I am answered shortly thereafter!

"I can't help but notice the dogs are a bit unruly. Perhaps one of these days I can work with them."

"Oh my god! I never thought of that! What a wonderful idea! I think we're gonna have to do it!"

Dog trainer.. dogs.. hmm, dog trainer.. dogs. Dog trainer.. and.. dogs.. dog, trainer.. dogs.. dogs... trainer of dogs.. dogs.. hmm.. no. Nope. I got nothing. Thank goodness Trainer was able to put that equation together cuz there's no chance I'd have even thought of it! I heard a line once.. Shake the nut tree and you're bound to have a few fall in close enuff proximity to drive you to the point of murderous rage. Something like that anyway...